Cycling In The Family Way

First of all, yesterday marked the conclusion of the Cyclocross National Championships in Boulder, CO, the city that makes Portland seem diverse and down-to-earth:

I'd just like to congratulate the competitors, because you're all winners--unless of course you didn't win a national title in your particular category, in which case you're a total loser.

Also, hands up everybody who went on and on about what tire pressure and tread pattern they "ran" during the race, even if you were a total non-factor just like in every other race you did during the season.  Okay, let's see: one, two, ten, yeah, everybody.

There is nothing more tedious in cycling than listening to a mediocre cyclocross racer opine about optimal equipment setup.

Nothing.

Yet they all do it.

All of them.

Hey, if you're deeply interested in whether tubular or tubeless is the better setup for the B race in the vacant lot behind the shopping mall then good for you, but I'd much rather "geek out" on more important cycling matters, like riding while pregnant:

The official line from the NHS is clear cut – cycling is a definite no-no. The NHS website contains a list of sports to avoid, and cycling is included alongside horse riding, downhill skiing and gymnastics. The reason? All these activities have “a risk of falling”. 

Yes, cycling while pregnant is a "no-no" here in Canada's unkempt pubic thatch too (and probably in Canada for that matter), mostly because we're a safety-obsessed culture that is completely delusional about what is actually safe, and nobody has figured out how to get a helment onto a fetus yet. You know what's perfectly acceptable while pregnant though?  Hurtling along an expressway in an easily-flippable SUV at 75mph.  No risk of falling there, of course.

Of course, most enlightened people realize that riding a bicycle while pregnant is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and to that end the above article gives some good advice--though it neglects to point out that as your pregnancy progresses you might be much more comfortable on a recumbent:

In fact, in bicycle-friendly countries such as the Netherlands it's perfectly normal to deliver your child while cycling on a dedicated "birthing bicycle:"

(Front modesty panel ensures privacy during labor.)

Meanwhile, in Portland, bicycle water births are increasingly common, and "velo-doula" is rapidly overtaking barista as the number one occupation in that city:

(Male velo-doula rushes to a client.)

Most mothers who have bicycle water births do so at home, but increasing numbers are opting for bars and popular brunch spots.

Speaking of safety, here in New York City, the whole "Vision Zero" thing is so far still an empty mayoral campaign promise:

Everytime someone is killed in traffic while de Blasio is mayor, we will use a twitter campaign to remind him of his promise to achieve Vision Zero by 2024 and let him know if he is on course to fulfill that promise.

Don't get too exited about how the cyclists are doing either, since the only reason for the zero is that first two weeks of 2014 consisted of a blizzard followed by a polar vortex, which meant that the only cyclists out there were the ones who know better than to follow traffic laws.

Yes, ironically, following traffic laws on your bicycle in New York City can be dangerous--but not as dangerous as simply standing in a Popeyes:

No criminality suspected, but deliciousness was confirmed.