Meh, The Humanity!

You'd think that by this point the world of professional cycling would have squandered all its outrage on doping scandals, but you'd be wrong, since everyone seems to be very upset about Peter Sagan playing grab-ass on the Flanders podium on Sunday:

(Sagan checks the produce as Cancellara tries not to get a boner.)

The outrage is understandable though, because of course behavior that is sexist or disrespectful towards women has absolutely no place in something as dignified as a podium ceremony:

(Podium girl on the right receives a champagne facial as podium girl on the left prepares to deliver an ass baby.)

I'm guessing either one of those poor women would have traded places with Sagan's victim in the time it takes to pop a champagne cork.

Nevertheless, Peter Sagan has released a video apology that makes him seem about ten times creepier than that little "goosing" episode did:

(Pantsless, possibly wanking.)

Firstly, did Sagan say he sincerely apologizes for what he did on the podium, or for what he did on the bottom?  I guess it really doesn't matter since either one fits.  Secondly, is there really nobody close to Sagan who was able to coach him on how to apologize to a woman for molesting her?  Apparently not--though that's not surprising, since we are talking about Europeans here.  Anyway, next time (and there will be a next time, since Sagan has "serial sex offender" written all over him) he should follow these rules:

1) Put a shirt on.  A real shirt, with a collar.  Not a white t-shirt with a stretched neckhole that you put on five seconds before filming.

2) For chrissakes, put on some pants!  (I see no evidence that he's wearing pants, so until I do I'm going to assume otherwise.)

3) Find a nice setting, like a rose garden or one of those pretty European town squares or something.  Don't sit in a corner of your motel room like you're watching adult videos and taking way too much time to apply your chamois cream.

4) Form your mouth around the words you're saying.  Don't mumble like your mommy is making you do this.  Otherwise you come off as shifty and untrustworthy.  I mean seriously, if he can't pull this one off, how is he going to get through the inevitable positive doping test?

But perhaps the harshest criticism came from Mario Cipollini:

(Cipollini didn't bother putting on pants either.)

As far as Cipollini is concerned, it's not harassment unless the podium girl is impregnated and tests positive for at least two (2) STDs.

Meanwhile, here in New York City, the Five Boro Bike Tour is getting "shaken down" by the NYPD:

Court filings from organizers Bike New York show that for the first time in the popular ride's 35-year-history, NYPD has deemed the tour a "non-charitable event," thus entitling the department to foist their $967,534 services upon the ride...

Each year, the Five Boro Bike Tour attracts something like 32,000 riders, almost all of whom slip on ill-fitting half-shorts and ride bicycles equipped with pie plates and bar ends pointed straight up into the sky.  Therefore, if the organizers were to foist the NYPD service fee onto the riders, that works out to about $30 per rider, which would really eat into their budget for irritating noisemakers and helment-mounted pinwheels.  However, I suspect they won't have to pay it, because according to the New York Times the basis for the charge is that the city now classifies the ride as a "noncharitable athletic parade:"

The city says that under its new rule, the tour classifies as a “noncharitable athletic parade,” in the same category as the marathon, the New York City Triathlon and many smaller events.

Foolishly the city has sown the seeds of its own demise in that ruling, because classifying the Five Boro Bike Tour as "athletic" is extremely charitable:

(Leave it to The Daily News to capture the ride at its most embarrassing.)

There's been some debate on this blog as to what constitutes an athlete, but I think most of us can agree that humiliating yourself while riding a bicycle during a non-competitive group ride is not a sport.

Still, I acknowledge that the NYPD does need to be paid so they can continue to provide cyclists with excellent service like this:

Cyclist struck by NY Yellow Cab (Williamsburg)

Just past midnight on Saturday (technically Sunday morning 12:15 AM) I was struck while riding my bicycle by NYC taxicab deliberately from behind. Several pedestrians came to my assistance after witnessing the accident, though all left before police arrived. A second cabbie claimed I had attacked the driver that rammed his car into my bike. I was arrested and am being charged with Criminal Mischief and face jail time & fines. If you were there, or witnessed what happened please call ASAP. 

Any help you can provide would be appreciated, especially if you were the passengers in the cab that hit me!

Arrested after getting hit by a taxicab while riding a bicycle?  Just imagine what the cops would do if he drove a car into a bus stop and hit ten people, leaving a small child brain dead.  Yeah, that's right, they'd let him go:

Witnesses told the Daily News that the unnamed driver, who was hospitalized along with a passenger, was speeding before the crash. That she jumped a curb and hit multiple people with a vehicle is not in dispute. Nevertheless, NYPD apparently concluded its work with characteristic haste. As early as 10:27 p.m. Saturday, less than four hours after the incident, the Post reported: “Police do not believe the crash was a crime.” A Post follow-up published this morning reads: “Cops said the driver passed a breath-alcohol test and would not be charged.”

By the way, if you ever need a valid excuse for running a red light, mowing down ten people, and destroying their lives, here you go:

Police told DNAinfo that the driver, 48, “accidentally” hit the accelerator instead of the brake as she approached a red light at Utica and Church: “As she swerved to avoid colliding with the traffic around her, the vehicle jumped onto the sidewalk, hitting up to nine pedestrians, police said.”

If I'm ever stopped by the police on my bicycle I'm going to explain that I accidentally hit the pedals instead of the brake.

In any case, if you need something sickly sweet to wash the taste of injustice out of your mouth, here you go:



Judging from this video, the only way an American city can be truly bike-friendly is if the population is both homogenous and heavily medicated.