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(Bike fittings make Fred feel special, as forwarded by a reader.)

Firstly, it looks like I'm finally coming to Cleveland on Saturday, April 27th, so if you're in Cleveland and you want to tell me off then pencil it in your calendar and I'll furnish you with additional details soon.

Cleveland.

Secondly, you can never have too many bikes.  Sure, you might not need another one, but every so often an opportunity arises that's simply too good to pass up.  That's why I'm snatching up this beauty:

I learned about this masterpiece from Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market, and it proves the adage that the best paint jobs are the ones that make it look like someone's having sex with your bicycle:

Why would anybody want one of those Dario Pegoretti tie-dye hippie burnout paint jobs when you could have someone going to town on your rear suspension instead?

(Yawn.)

By the way, in case you were wondering, the seller confirms that's actually a woman on there:

Interesting older Carbon Y frame with quite the custom paint job on it. With love and understanding, I am sure this bike can go again. It is a large, 19 from center to top. I checked the carbon and found no cracks in the frame. Their is a small hole drilled next to the head tube as seen in picture as well as a large chip by the blues brothers looking dudes. Yes it is a woman painted on there. The bike also comes with manitou axel fork that the stanchions have some oxidation on them. Has LX front and rear derailluers, wheels are decent with ritchey zero hubs, cane creek headset, 9spd cassette, mismatched brakes as well as 1 grip shifter and 1 deore rapid fire shifter, dia compe brake levers and system 2 bar and stem. I probably have a few smalls I can throw in as well with the bike. I am hoping for the money I am asking, someone will want to bring her back and let her feel the road and trails again.

 Please ask questions and thanks for looking.

Shipping is 55.00 and local pick-up is never a problem.

Though it would be pretty amusing if "she" had a "surprise" waiting for you on the drive side.

(Surprise!)

Evidently it happens enough that the seller felt compelled to mention it.

Speaking of surprises, it probably won't surprise you at all to learn that in New York City it's perfectly fine to drive on the sidewalk and kill people:

In the span of four weeks, five motorists collided with pedestrians on the sidewalks of New York City, killing three and severely injuring two others. But as we've seen time and again, the drivers responsible face no serious consequences for their actions. “I hope this is an eye-opener and we have some change, because it's really, truly heartbreaking,” the daughter of 90-year-old Mansoor Day tells the Post. Day—co-founder of one of New York’s first abortion clinics—is still in extremely critical condition after SUV driver Richard Mouss crashed into him on the sidewalk outside Sak's Fifth Avenue in February.

Rest assured that you don't even have to have an excuse to do it, but if you feel compelled to offer one anyway then "I spilled some milk" has been proven effective:

The horrifying crash in Long Island City that left one teen dead and sent four other pedestrians to the hospital yesterday morning was caused by spilled milk, according to one police source, who also tells WPIX 11 that the driver, Mohamad Keita, was speeding in excess of 35 mph. The unidentified driver of the dark red Dodge Caravan lost control of the vehicle shortly after 10:30 a.m. and drove up onto the sidewalk near LaGuardia Community College in Long Island City, Queens. The police source says the driver is attributing the wreck to spilled milk, and a witness says he immediately got out and started apologizing.

Just make sure you have insurance, or else you might get in big trouble.

Just kidding!

No, it's totally fine, you'll only get a summons:

Despite a police source's assessment that the driver was speeding, Keita does not currently face any criminal charges, merely a summons for driving without insurance. 

Yes, here in New York City there's no use crying over spilt milk--or over the carnage you left in your wake after you spilled it.  That's why I prefer the more cartoonish violence you'll find in cities like Seattle, as forwarded by another reader:

As the messenger was standing on the sidewalk, a woman—who the messenger described as “pregnant”—climbed out of the passenger side of the car and started yelling at him.

The woman then reached into her bra, pulled out a stun gun and chased after the messenger, striking him twice in the face.

The male driver also got out of the car, pulled out his own stun gun and swung it at the victim.

Assailants wielding electroshock weaponry is just one of the many reasons you should opt for a bicycle made from a non-conducting material like bamboo:

Another reason is apparently that it's laterally stiff, vertically compliant, and panda-satiating in every direction:

"When I first made a bamboo bike and tested it, I rode it and after one or two hundred meters I was like, 'Where's all the vibration gone?'  And that's the feeling when you're riding a bamboo bike.  The vibrations just disappear."

I'd like to know what kind of bicycles these people were riding that vibrated so much.  Maybe I have an armadillo for a scranus, but I've never experienced this punishing vibration people talk about (at least not on a bicycle)--except when I was much younger and much Fredlier and stupidly tried inflating my tires to 145psi because someone at the bike shop told me I could do that and that it would make me faster.  (Hanging around in bike shops is a dangerous source of misinformation, and it's also the reason people go around saying that long stems produce a "goofy tiller effect.")

Then of course there's the whole "sustainable" thing:

Iron Bamboo has recorded over three feet of growth in a single day, and it only requires water, sunlight, and soil to grow. It’s a grass that naturally grows back after being harvested.  It prevents soil erosion, does not contribute to soil depletion like many other crops, and is one of the most efficient means of sequestering carbon dioxide known to man.

We use aluminum because it is the easiest metal to recycle and is strong, stiff, and light.

Okay, I'm looking at the bike, and it's made from all the same crap every other bike is made from, except it also has a few pieces of bamboo gratuitously wedged in there for some reason.  How is this bike more sustainable?  This is like putting a bamboo muffler on your car and saying it's suddenly a "sustainable automobile."  And if aluminum is strong, stiff, light, and easy to recycle, why not just make the whole frame out of it?

Wow, a bicycle frame made entirely out of aluminum.  It would probably be light, durable, and relatively inexpensive.  Imagine that.

Maybe someone will try it one day.