Monday is Wednesday minus two.

Hello out there in Internet land!  Aren't Monday's the BEST?!?  And who else is following the exciting sport of professional road bike racing?  Nobody?  Yeah, me either.  Nevertheless I did notice that Filippo Pozzato thought he won a bike race when he actually didn't, which is always entertaining:

Filippo Pozzato (Lampre-Merida) threw his arms in the air thinking he had won the Roma Maxima race, only to discover a few seconds later that Blel Kadri (Ag2r-La Mondiale) had managed to stay away and win the first edition of the new-look Italian race.

The headline indicates that he was embarrassed, though I doubt anyone who sports a tattoo like this has the capacity to feel embarrassment:

(Ironically, outgoing Pope Pope Benedict XVI has exactly the same tattoo.)

I'm not sure how "God" judges Pozzato, but I'll bet more than one randy Cardinal finds him guilty of being sexy and wouldn't mind slipping a few Euros into his faux-wrinkled Euro-jeans:

("Only God can dress me.")

Clearly the Vatican should be given dominion over the sport of pro cycling, since from an integrity standpoint it would be a seamless transition.

Moving on, as you attempt to recover from the state of arousal and/or revulsion (I don't judge, that's for "God" to do) caused by the above photo of a pro cyclist with his fly open and a tattoo of a karp eating fish food out of his navel, try to guess what city this is:

(Forwarded by a reader.)

If you said "Portland" then you're wrong, because this is Chicago:

Heritage is a mash-up, not of the two most unexpected things you could think of, but of two concepts and cultures, that really go hand in hand. If you’ve never thought to pair bikes and coffee, don’t worry, because we are here making sense of it from 8am to 7pm, every day of the week.

This looks like a very nice place, but on what planet is the paring of bikes and coffee "unexpected?"  Bikes and plumbing supplies would be unexpected.  On the other hand, everybody knows cyclists won't shut up about coffee, and Chris King even makes an expresso tampon.  Bike retail and coffee retail are so intertwined at this point that I give it five years before Starbucks starts offering bike repairs.  After that even Dunkin' Donuts will get in on the act, and one day you'll walk in to buy a box of Munchkins only to find an "artisanal bike repair center" where a hapless employee bangs futilely on a Magna between microwaving those egg slabs for the breakfast sandwiches.  (By the way, Dunkin' Donuts egg slabs make great heavy-duty tire boots.  I've had one in my Big Dummy for 18 months now and it's still going strong.  I'll let you know how it tastes when I finally get around to changing the tire.)

Of course, no bike-themed video would be complete without the "riding off into the sunset on the sidewalk" shot:

Presumably he's heading off to buy some plumbing supplies.

In other news of the artisanal, another reader informs me that a couple of artisanal fathers in Austin have invented a new child-portaging device called "The Freeloader":

(A mother carries her teenage child with "The Freeloader.)

The Freeloader, its creators say, combines characteristics of both lightweight child carriers intended for short-term usage and sturdier models designed for hiking and other rugged activities. It can hold children 80 pounds and under.

“We wanted to make something different, that wasn’t on the market,” Jansen said. “We’re pretty passionate about it.”

80 pounds is a lot of child.  In fact, some adults don't weigh much more than that, and famous Austinite Lance Armstrong has reportedly been spotted around town "portaging" a strung-out Olsen twin in this revolutionary new device:

It's tempting to say that a child this age could also avoid fatigue by riding a bike or a scooter.  However, it's important to remember that this is America, where two things are true:

1) Thanks to restaurants like Dunkin' Donuts, the average American child weighs 80 pounds by the age of 16 months;

and

2) Our streets are incredibly dangerous.  Therefore, it's necessary to keep children in a state of womblike protection until they reach driving age, at which point we transfer them behind the wheel of a car.  Ideally, until that day comes, they've taken less than 100 steps on terra firma--or, better yet, they've bypassed the walking phase entirely.

Yes, ironically, being sedentary actually increases your odds of survival in America, which is why we're evolving to find "out of shape" bodies appealing:

I saw her sitting at a bus stop. I was on my bike, I had pulled over to answer my phone and there she was sitting at the bus stop. Older than me but looking very young and sporting a short stylish doo, sorta like the supremes. It was her huge thighs that captured my attention and sparked in me a desire. She was wearing a short dress and decorative black leggings. I didn't think fast enough to come up with a good enough excuse to approach her so I continued on with my life and left hers uninterrupted. 

Another time on a two train a larger woman sat next to me. She wasn't pretty but I liked her face anyways and her out of shape body was appealing to me. As I struck up a conversation she seemed to enjoy the attention. There's been others like this but they don't answer Craigslist ads. I guess I just have to start taking chances and getting more forward. lol.


The future's so bright, I gotta wear leggings.