Wurst Fajita Ever: Freeloaders of the World Unite

In yet another stunning pro cycling revelation, it appears that three-time Tour de France winner Greg LeMond may have been involved in a Taco Bell commercial during the height of his career:



This was not long after Taco Bell introduced America to the fajita, widely regarded as the EPO of ersatz Mexican food.  "Think of it as a Mexican steak sandwich," Taco Bell explained helpfully in the commercial, leading to widespread fears that the fajita was going to steal jobs from hardworking American steak sandwiches.  Nevertheless, the peloton embraced the fajita, and its use was widespread until 2008, when two Slipstream-Chipotle riders where killed in a tragic Tour of California podium fart-and-fall:

Since then, the UCI's "flatulence passport" has gone a long way towards reducing fajita use in the pro ranks, though a code of "omerta" still reigns, and the prevailing attitude in the peloton is still very much "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

Speaking of eating, Jan Ullrich still ain't talkin':

(Talk about a rundfahrt!  Nobody put away the fajitas like Ullrich.)

He may break wind, but he's not breaking his silence:


While Armstrong admitted his doping past in an interview with talk show host Oprah Winfrey earlier this month, Ullrich refuses to break his silence.

"I will certainly not go Armstrong's way and speak in front of millions of people, even if some of them ask me repeatedly and perhaps expect to hear something," Ullrich told Focus magazine. "I live in the here and now and I am very happy." 

Yeah, right.  I give him two weeks before he's on German Oprah:

(German Oprah is way more fun than American Oprah.)

Or maybe German Ellen:

(German Ellen is way more homoerotic than American Ellen.)

Or maybe even German "The View:"

(German "The View" is much less menopausal than American "The View.")

Ullrich may already be a member of the clean plate club, but it may finally be time for him to join the clean conscience club.

("I'm eating my guilt in wurst form!")

Speaking of gas, you know how some drivers think it's all right to run you off the road since they pay for it and you don't?  Well, that's not exactly how it works:

Unfortunately it's far too difficult to convey all of this information during a roadside altercation in which words are at a premium, so if you're looking for effective shorthand just stick with calling the driver a "freeloading cocksucker."  That should go a long way towards diffusing the situation.

By the way, a few days ago I was DRIVING MY CAR THAT I OWN (unlike David Byrne and exactly like the freeloading cocksucker that I am) and I was waiting at a red light.  In front of me was a woman in a BMW, and in front of her was someone who didn't realize you could make a right turn on red at this particular intersection.  First, the woman in the BMW started beeping like a lunatic.  Then, the light finally turned green and she sped off, nearly hitting a very startled woman in the crosswalk who still had the "walk" signal.  After that, she pursued and deliberately cut off the driver who had "delayed" her for what amounted to maybe nine seconds.  

As it happened, moments later, the woman in the BMW and I ended up parking almost right next to each other.  Sliding out the window of my General Lee replica, I then approached her and politely pointed out that she could have easily killed the woman in the crosswalk.  The bullet points of her defense were as follows:

• The woman she almost hit should not have been "standing in the middle of the street."
• She herself was "Not from around here."  (Her license plate said that she was from Connecticut, where presumably it is okay to run down pedestrians in crosswalks.  I recommended she go back where she came from.  She did not like that, even though it was good advice.)
• Anyway, I should leave her alone because her kids were in the car.  (Apparently they have the emotional fortitude to witness road rage and homicidal driving, but not neighborly concern.)
• I should "Go to hell."

With that, she slammed her car door and strode angrily into Talbots:

I guess I can't blame her for almost running somebody over, because that's a great fucking deal on some cardigans.

Anyway, if you're also flush with cardigan savings, you may want to take advantage of a unique investment opportunity to which I was recently alerted by the inventors:

Basically, it appears to be a social networking bicycle app designed to transform unwitting victims into vampires.  I was immediately suspicious when I met the head of "business development:"

That guy is so a vampire.  Anybody who wears a bowtie is a vampire.

Next, my suspicions were confirmed when the subject of the video rode down a flight of steps:

And then encountered two figures standing before a mysterious statue:

Who slowly turn, revealing the bloodlust in their eyes;

We don't actually see the attack, but this guy has obviously just been bitten and is now undergoing the process of vampirification:

And this guy's not even trying:

Invest at your own risk.