Decisions: Stuck Between A Wall And A Hard Place

Are you one of those people who insists you're not going to watch Lance Armstrong bury his head in Oprah Winfrey's ample bosom and cry tonight?  If so, I'm sure you have your reasons.  Maybe you're like totally over this whole thing, as you've Tweeted repeatedly.  Maybe you can't bear to watch your erstwhile hero dismantle his own myth.  Or maybe you're one of the roughly two million Americans who experience uncontrollable seizures whenever Oprah says the word "homogenized," and even though this show has nothing to do about dairy products you don't want to take the risk.

Well, whatever your reason, I'm here to help you find something else to watch during that 9pm time slot.  Clearly competing networks are pulling out all the stops to compete with this confessional juggernaut, because there's a lot of great stuff on tonight.  Here are my top recommendations, which I found by consulting TV Guide, which incredibly continues to exist in the year 2013.

(We used to have to watch TVs like this, you little bastards don't know what hardship is.)

Actually, it turns out finding something to watch tonight is pretty much a no-brainer, because "Drumline" is on ABC Family tonight, and it's widely regarded as the "Citizen Kane" of family-friendly marching band movies:

Here's how TV Guide describes it:

Who knew marching bands could be so sexy? This handsomely mounted production, set in the flamboyant, highly competitive world of show-style university marching bands (think of it as BRING IT ON's even funkier brother), may be a standard coming-of-age drama at heart. But the fantastically edited scenes of battling bands in action are guaranteed to set your heart racing. Devon Miles (Nick Cannon), an extraordinarily talented young drummer from New York City's Harlem, has a way with the sticks that's won him a scholarship to Atlanta A&T, a large Southern university with a predominantly black student body and a first-rate marching band. First-rate, but not first-place; t...

Notice the description just sort of trails off into ellipsis, which I assume represents the drool that will trickle out of your mouth as you fall asleep halfway through.  Still, you'd have to be fucking idiot not to watch "Drumline" tonight instead of the Oprah interview--or would you?  Because if you like animals and Maine, you're not going to want to miss "North Woods Law" on Animal Planet:

(Maine totally stole those outfits from Canada.)

Enhanced episodes of a series following Maine game wardens as they patrol the Pine Tree State during hunting season.

Tonight's episode is a NEW one called "Maine Freeze," in which "a nighttime snowmobile accident requires immediate attention; and a warden is on the lookout for coyote poachers."

Was a coyote actually joyriding in a snowmobile, and if so how wasted was he?  You'll have to tune in to find out.

And while this whole Armstrong thing is certainly a soap opera, true aficionados of the genre prefer the classics, and tonight there's a NEW episode of "General Hospital" on the Soap channel:

(If there's a balding one who's pretty good at cooking eggs, I'm that one.)

What will happen when Britt presses Patrick a little too hard about the status of their relationship?  Todd comes up with a new plan to secure his future.  Lucy runs into a familiar face.  Will they be friend or foe?

After roughly 400 years on the air the producers of "General Hospital" are clearly asleep at the wheel, because if they weren't they'd have gotten Mario Cipollini to join the cast years ago.

(Nine months after a sexy new stranger visits Port Charles, hundreds of women mysteriously give birth to extremely unctuous children.)

I'd offer some additional recommendations, but I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach about paying for cable.  Still, I'll be watching the Oprah interview, but only because I have it on good authority that Armstrong and Oprah spend part two in a pup tent talking to Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston on a Ouija board.

Of course, the other option is to just turn off the TV altogether.  Read a book!  Spend time with family!  Or, if you're from Portland, remind people that you don't even own a TV!  Speaking of Portland, while it may have taken on the role of America's Candyland in the popular imagination, the truth is that life can get pretty real out there.  In fact, a reader tells me a Portland woman recently fell between two buildings and firefighters had to extract her with soapy water:

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) -- Portland firefighters cut a hole through concrete and used an air bag and a soapy lubricant to free an Oregon woman who fell part of the way down a 20-foot wall and got herself stuck between two buildings Wednesday morning.

The woman spent about four hours in a space 8 to 10 inches wide before rescuers managed to free her as television cameras filmed much of the effort.

(Insert your own New York City apartment joke here.)

Police still don't know how she wound up in her predicament in the first place, but they're operating on the theory that she wanted some actual wall experience to bring more realism to her miming performances.  Despite the successful rescue, the Portland cycling community is outraged that bicycles were not utilized in any way by the first responders.  For this reason, there will be a Stuck-Between-Two-Walls Theme Ride this coming Sunday during which one lucky rider will be wedged between the same two walls and then extracted with a modified bakfiets "pump-and-pull" bike.  Participants are encouraged to bring their own Dr. Bronner's.

By the way, Portlanders had better watch out, because a reader informs me that Detroit is right on Portland's wheel in the creative smugness race:

The work explores the nuances of mobility. The artist One DR contributed a skateboard painted with flying saucers in outer space. Vito Valdez’s oil painting depicts a buffalo crossing a railroad track as a small dinosaur looms in the background. Mavis Farr uses crushed vintage metal mini cars for her necklaces. “It’s about the auto industry’s absentee parent relationship with Detroit, and also about the mining, manufacture, sales and eventual discarding and decay of metals and gemstones,” Ms. Farr wrote in her artist statement.

The centerpiece of the show will be a giant empty room, in which the organizers will exhibit The Car That David Byrne Does Not Own.

Speaking of the future of mobility, I have now seen it, thanks to this video that was sent to me by still another reader:




I've long been searching for a bicycle that will awaken the pretty young girl in me, and I think I may finally have found it:

In turn, I may also have found mutual joy:

Here is mutual joy:

And here is the mutual joy of passing two losers on "normal" bikes:

It seems they have it backwards and the people on the normal human-powered bikes should be fit and wearing Lycra, while the people on the electric bikes should be out of shape and wearing street clothes, but what do I know?

Either way, beating losers up hills creates mutual joy and strengthens relationships:

I'll take two:

Or else I'll just get a Volagi with an electrical assist, spotted by a reader in San Francisco:

You need that extra power to escape the wrath of Mike Sinyard.

Lastly, still yet another reader tells me that if you're bike got stolen in Ireland recently it may have been this guy:

I may have stolen your bike
  
Posted on January 13, 2013

Description

Ok, so I was really drunk Friday (11/1/13) and woke up yesterday morning to find a bike outside my house. I don't know how it got there. Maybe I stole it, maybe I bought it, maybe I won it in a dance off. I just don't know. I don't usually do things like that and would love to return it to its owner. But there's where things get hard. I have no idea where I got this bike from. I remember being in Industry nightclub in Temple Bar, Dublin and I woke up this morning in my house in Phibsboro. Total blackout. So maybe I took from somewhere in between those two places but to be honest I could have been in Armagh last night for all I know. Anyway, it's a blue men's bike. That's all I can say as the owner will have to be able to describe it to me to get it back. Email me at iamverysorry@hushmail.com if you think it's yours. This is not a joke, I really want to give this bike back. I'm not a scumbag. Oh, and I lost my wallet. If anyone's found one let me know. I know, I'd really want to sort my life out.

Honestly, who hasn't gotten drunk and ridden home on a stolen bike?