Cape Fear: Cycling Fashion's Reign of Terror Continues

(Helper monkey--the ultimate multi-tool!)

It is becoming increasingly clear to me that this spring is going to be about one thing--an unprecedented abundance of cycling fashions. No sooner did I learn about the controversial "Extra Leg" calf sheath than I discovered the "Urban Gaiter:"



Yesterday I quipped that someday soon we might see an "Extra Leg" with integrated pouches. Well, guess what the "Urban Gaiter" is? No, it's not a rapping cartoon alligator; it's an "Extra Leg" with integrated pouches:






Urban Gaiter $20.00

Black Cordora Fabric with Reflective Schoeller Fabric. Used Around Pant Leg And Has Side Pocket To Hold Cell Phone, Money and Other Items. Perfect For Quick Errands and Protecting Your Pants On Your Commute.

There weren't any photos of somebody actually wearing the "Urban Gaiter," but I'm guessing it looks like a blood pressure monitor, only on your leg. If you're riding in street clothes anyway, I'm not sure why you just can't put your money, keys and phone where you normally would--in your pockets. Why would hopping on your bike to run some "quick errands" suddenly necessitate strapping all these things to your appendages like you're smuggling them through customs? The next step can only be hiding them completely in one of those touristy money belts, or else simply placing them in a condom and swallowing them. (The latter technique works great for tools, too. "You wouldn't happen to have a tire lever on you, would you?" "Well, technically yes, but I won't be able to get to it for 24 hours.") Still, if you own an urban sombrero, I'm sure the "Urban Gaiter" would make a lovely companion piece.

I was curious to learn more about the company that sells the "Urban Gaiter," so I read more about them on their website:




I'm a bicycle commuter, and I can certainly appreciate "durable, versatile, and practical commuting gear." I have a body to keep warm and dry, and I also have personal effects I like to carry and sometimes need to access in less than 24 hours. (There's nothing worse than not being able to take an important call because your phone is still working its way through your digestive tract.) Sure, the "Urban Gaiter" wasn't for me, but certainly something else would be.

Well, apart from a few weird bags and the spoke reflector things pictured next to the "Urban Gaiter," they mostly just had a bunch of t-shirts. I'm not sure how a t-shirt can be considered "durable, versatile, and practical commuting gear," nor how it can help "get you there safely," but I do agree that they use "the highest quality and most durable materials," because some of their shirts are made out of bamboo:


Craig Calfee has been espousing the virtues of bamboo bicycle frames for years, so it's nice to see the material finally coming to cycling attire as well. This shirt may look like an ordinary t-shirt, but it's actually highly protective and incorporates the same technology used by ancient Japanese Samurai, who wore bamboo suits of armor. Also, it's got a picture of a guy riding a bike on it, which makes it cycling-specific. You can be confident that this t-shirt is all you need to protect you from either painful road rash or ninja attacks.

And Cyclelogical is not the only company drawing inspiration from the past. In London, a similarly-named company called Cyclodelic (which I learned about from Trackosaurusrex) is now making a cycling-specific cape:




If you've already got an "Urban Gaiter" and an urban sombrero, you're certainly going to want to complete your wardrobe by wearing a cape like Frank Costanza's lawyer. Just imagine how dramatic you'll look riding around town with a cape fluttering behind you. Apart from the flapping and whipping and lack of protection from cold wind and its potential to get caught on everything from car mirrors to your own bicycle, I really can't see a downside to cycling in the city while wearing a cape. Cyclodelic isn't stopping there, either. They've got a whole line of urban cycling fashions made specifically for the female rider, and you can see the clothes in action here:



In keeping with the magic theme (magicians love capes), Cyclodelic is also apparently making invisible pants. This is the only possible explanation for the fact that the models all have bare legs and pant cuff retainers:


Also, the model on the right must be riding a left-hand drive bike.

Even more exciting than invisible pants (if that's even possible) is the fact that Cyclodelic have also designed what may be the world's first female-specific fixed-gear freestyler, the "Lady Midas:"



If you're a male and you're feeling left out, you shouldn't. Just because this stuff is for women doesn't mean you can't rub it too. After all, urban male cyclists have been wearing women's pants for years, so there's really nothing odd about a guy throwing on a cape, a pair of invisible pants, and a visible pant cuff retainer, and hitting the streets--or even "killing it" on a Lady Midas:

Note that the step-through frame obviates the need for a top tube pad. Note also that the rider is wearing invisible pants without any pant cuff retention. I hope they don't get caught in his chain!

Perhaps most exciting of all, Cyclodelic will be launching their new line complete with an alleycat-esque "Cyclodelic Champagne Bicycle Treasure Hunt" in London:


I am seriously considering heading over there with my Scattante and "throwing down," since I think this is one of the few races in the world I could actually win. Spotting the "dressed up characters" alone should be a cinch, since the streets of London will be crawling with people in capes and invisible pants riding golden bicycles. I wonder if I can fit a bottle of Korbel champagne in my Gigunda cage? I also wonder if Cyclodelic clothing will be available in the New York City Topshop as well, since I've been riding capeless for far too long.

If nothing else, in theory this bumper crop of urban cycling attire should at least serve to make road racing attire seem slightly less absurd. However, in practice, you should never underestimate the roadie's ability to look ridiculous. A reader was kind enough to forward me these photos of the S.S. Capannuccia team, who, as he points out, bear more than a passing resemblance to 80s Christian "metal" band Stryper:





Besides the bumblebee-like color scheme, S.S. Capannuccia and Stryper also share in common the fact that they make you question the existence of God, since no merciful deity would ever allow a group of people to roam the Earth looking like that.

But not all roadies are taking their style cues from Christian rock bands. A reader in China has sent me this photo from a local race, which shows riders whose influences are decidedly more rebellious in nature:


The Rock Racing jersey, cigarette, and Euro-schmata are the Holy Trinity of roadie attitude. When juxtaposed with what may be one of the world's few remaining non-ironically rocked fanny packs, the effect is even more powerful.

I wonder where he keeps his cigarettes? Someone really should make a bag for that.

Accessorize to Live, Live to Accessorize: Stuff, and Where to Put It

Further to last Friday's post, I did indeed swing by New York City's newest fake bike shop, Jack & Jimbo's:



As you may know, Jack & Jimbo's is a "collabo" between man-purse marque Jack Spade and, well, some mechanic named Jimbo. Above is the sign which sits outside of the shop, proving once and for all that fixed-gear conversions are now considered as essential as flat repair and wheel-truing. I didn't take pictures of the interior because the store is very small and it would have been highly conspicuous (they were regarding me suspiciously, possibly because I was smirking), but the picture here should tell you everything you need to know.

Basically, inside you'll find the requisite NAHBS-esque townie bike nobody would ever own (in this case a titanium Independent Fabrications complete with crabon fiber fenders narrower than the actual tires) as well as a bunch of refurbished bikes via Landmark Vintage Bicycles, whom I had heretofore only heard of because they are constantly posting Craigslist ads like this one. You'll also find a few Rapha jerseys and t-shirts, a stack of skinwall tires which may or may not be only for show (it's hard to tell what's real and what's for show in there), and various Jack Spade bags. Besides me, there were two other non-employees in the store--a man who was agonizing over which Jack Spade bag to purchase, and his female companion, who was helping him make this potentially life-altering decision. Both of them were doing their very best to avoid any of the bikes or bike-related items.

To give you the context of the neighborhood in which Jack and Jimbo's is located, it's a great place to trip over small dogs on designer leashes, and the shop itself is right near the Marc Jacobs store. The window display at the Marc Jacobs store is currently a Porsche 944, behind which is a faux-punk banner which reads "Car For Sale Make Best Offer:"



If you're wondering what the design on the hood is, it's knuckle tattoos:




I find it interesting that Jack Spade and Marc Jacobs are now selling fixed-gear conversions and knuckle tattoos respectively. I also find it interesting that the new trend in high-end fashion retail appears to be interactive themed window displays that are actually also for sale. I suppose ITTET this makes sense. Why put just a bike or two in the window when you can dress the whole place up as a bike shop and maybe even fix a few flats and sell a few bikes in the process? Anyway, they don't seem to be hurting anybody, and the mechanic did have lots of tools and was actively repairing a bike--though it's always possible he was just pretending to fix a bike like some actor in Colonial Williamsburg pretending to be a blacksmith. In any case, I suppose in some way there was a need for a shop like this. After all, the male equivalents of the "Beautiful Godzillas" need bike shops boutiques too.

But Jack Spade isn't the only company advancing the cause of fashionable cycling. I recently received an email from someone in Paris, who related the following:

I got tired of facing the dilemma of looking like an idiot riding my bike (pants rolled up, pants in sock, etc,..) to avoid the grease stains on my pants, Or looking like an idiot the rest of the day (one wrinkled leg pants, dirty or ripped pants, etc, ) .

As such, he contacted a maker of high-end denim pants and came up with these:


While "Stroke's Extra Leg" may sound like a euphemism for "foffing off," it is in fact a protective calf-length pant leg you slip over your pant leg, and it may be one of the most pointless clothing accessories I've ever seen. First of all, I don't see how riding a bike with your pant leg rolled up makes you look like an idiot. Walking around town all day with your pants rolled up might look silly, but riding a bike with your pants rolled up just looks like you don't want to get your pants dirty. If this person had to roll up his pants to take a walk on the beach would he feel like an idiot then too, and instead slip on a second pant leg? Secondly, how does this help solve the problem of getting your pants caught in your drivetrain, which is the other reason to roll up or otherwise cinch your pant leg? Thirdly, how is slipping a filthy, greasy piece of denim on and off your leg going to keep you or your pants any cleaner or take any less time than simply rolling your pants up and down as needed? And where do you put your grimy "Extra Leg" once you've taken it off so it doesn't get all your other stuff dirty? Do you then need a carrying case or pouch? Where does it end?!?

Then again, he does have a compelling sales pitch:


He's right, I don't want to be that guy, but that's because he's wearing topsiders, and a denim leg condom is not really going to help that. But if you don't want to be that guy because you find it extremely difficult to roll your pants back down when you get to work (or you think a calf sheath is somehow less dorky than a pant cuff retainer or a chain guard), go ahead and buy an "Extra Leg" today.

Yes, some people just can't resist putting extra crap on themselves. If you're one of those people (or if you just need something in which to carry your soiled "Extra Leg"), you might enjoy one of these, which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Now that the fanny pack is making a return, the "Sex and the Citification" of cycling is nearly complete. The endless assortment of messenger bags, u-lock holders, utility belts, and fanny packs now on the market has finally allowed people to disguise their teenage girl-like obsession with handbags as practicality. And if you don't think people are using all of these things--at the same time, I might add--I am here to assure you that they are. I'm not sure why people need to carry so many items for local trips, but they look like urban survivalists, and between all the carabiners and nylon belts and satchels and clothing with hidden pockets all over it you'd think New York City was a mountain. I'm also not sure why whatever items these people need to carry must be kept separate from one-another. Perhaps this is part of the survivalist technique, and placing different items on different parts of your body is like diversifying your portfolio or like a squirrel burying acorns in different spots so they don't all get stolen at once. Hopefully soon we'll see people wearing "Extra Legs" with integrated pouches, and cycling specific thigh pouches, and utility belts, and messenger bags, and arm pouches all at the same time. And let's not forget the fanny pack's equally dorky cousin, the wrist wallet. Just finish the whole ensemble off with a pair of Kangaroos and there will be no limit to the places you'll be able to carry something.

Just make sure you don't put a rack on your bike. You wouldn't want to spoil those clean lines.

BSNYC Friday Non-Quiz!

(Jackalope makes a "booty call," by Erik K)

If I believe anything, I believe that rubbing books is fundamental. So I've been enjoying "The Evolution of a Cro-Magnon" by John Joseph, given to me by Stevil Kinevil of HTATBL, who foolishly left a $50 bill in the book which he's not getting back. (I already used the money to buy six pieces of Purple Haze cheese from Artisanalcheese.com. Granted, I bought it because I thought it was a strain of marijuana, but nonetheless, it was delicious and surprisingly smokable.) One thing about the book is that it reminds you just how much New York has changed over the years. Streets that were once the domain of drug dealers and thugs are now practically brimming with artisanal cheese. This was further underscored by my commute this morning. For example, people are no longer urinating on the streets. Instead, they're urinating tidily in plastic bottles and leaving them out for collection:



Also, graffiti taggers are promoting the eating of wholesome vegetables:



But it's not all bottled urine and greens. The streets of NYC are still full of malicious robots programmed with insatiable nun-lust:



Meanwhile, elsewhere, the abuse of barends continues unabated, as you can see from this photo, taken by a reader in Washington state:



There's an unwritten rule that prohibits the use of barends with riser bars. Obviously, this is mostly an aesthetic concern, and riders should simply do whatever makes them comfortable. But while I certainly believe in comfort and multiple hand positions, there is also such a thing as too many hand positions, as you can see here. Also, theoretically, there's really no limit to the number of barends you can install on a bicycle, since you can install one at the end of another. Really, the only limit to the number of barends you can put on a bicycle is how many barends you have at your disposal. Even with hipster cysts, you'll run out of room eventually--unless you keep putting hipster cysts on your barends. In any case, sometimes rules exist for a reason, so go easy on the barends (or hipster cysts) before someone mistakes you for an elk with Christmas lights tangled in your antlers and tries to make a trophy out of you.

On the opposite end of the handlebar spectrum are these, forwarded to me by another reader:



I like handlebars that tell you where to put your hands, which is why I was such a big fan of the Cinelli Neo Morphe. I also like that these bars take into account today's knuckle-tattooed riders. And they're not just cashing in on a trend, either. It's obvious they know their customer, since the hand placement markers are only at the top of the bars. For "fixters," the drops are strictly off-limits, and are simply vestigial structures meant to keep their bikes looking "tracky." I'm surprised they didn't add something to the drops like "High Voltage: Do Not Touch."

Of course, custom painted bars don't allow for practical things like grips or bar tape, which are anathema to many of today's riders. But not everybody's leaving their bars naked. Some are actually wrapping bandanas ove their bar tape, like this rider, spotted by this reader:


Clearly, this commuter means business. Not only is he in the big ring on his triple crank, but he's also opted for the HED Jet wheelset. Once those doors open it's going to be like the opening prologue of the Tour de France. I'm sure in his mind there's a Frenchman counting backwards: "quatre...trois...deux..." I only hope he doesn't take a nose dive when the clock strikes zéro and the doors open, because there's probably no start ramp outside of those doors and he's liable to end up lying on top of a twisted mass of shattered carbon and bent Taiwanese aluminum.

You'd think that ITTET people might be passing over the overpriced wheelsets and instead rubbing simple, economical, and durable wheels that cost about a quarter as much. Not so. In fact, a number of readers forwarded me this image, which shows that the fixed-gear expensive front wheel wars continue to rage unchecked:

I don't know which Lightweight wheelset that front wheel comes from, but the cheapest pair on Competitivecyclist.com costs $4,500. Using wheels like that for amateur racing is stupid enough; taking one of them, putting it on your track bike, riding around town in canvas boat shoes on what appear to be $19 Wellgo pedals (with the reflectors still on), and ending up at a fake bike shop is nothing short of a wolf jump. If you want to show the world you have too much money, why not just use your ATM card as a spoke card and paint your PIN on your deep-section rim? You might as well add your SSN too. That way people can steal the identity you're trying so desperately to forge.

Speaking of theft, you might also think that ITTET people might make doubly-sure their bikes are locked up properly. After all, circumspection is free. (And a lot less painful than circumcision.) However, this is clearly not the case, as evidenced by these photos, taken by a reader in Williamsburg:


While the rider has taken great pains to secure both wheels, he's unfortunately missed the pole altogether:

While the hard-anodized rim and colored tire combo might be enough to deter Jobst Brandt (Jobst Brandt is the world's most outspoken opponent of both hard-anodized rims and silica tires), I'm relatively certain most thieves would ignore his warnings of decreased durability and simply make off with the whole bike sandwich.

Lastly, if you've been on the fence about buying the hillbilly-hipster-gun-cult-beach-sex-fixed-gear-conversion bike, a number of readers have alerted me to a new product that might make up your mind for you. Yes, drinking 40s while you ride has just gotten a lot easier thanks to the new Advent Gigunda cage:



The Advent Gigunda cage is a hipster's dream come true, as it provides yet another reason to not put something in your messenger bag. With your Kryptonite chain around your waist, your beer on your downtube, your keys hanging from your belt or bicep, and your phone, iPod, and other accessories safely holstered, you can rub your messenger bag the way it was intended to be rubbed--as a flat decorative shawl-like cover for your shoulders.

Rub your bikes safely this weekend, and watch out for jackalopes and/or callbacks!


--BSNYC/RTMS

(erik k)

Anti-Veloism: Weird, Creepy Bike Hate

(seen in Norwich, England)

Obviously, not everybody likes cyclists. In fact, lots of people actually hate cyclists. If you ride a bicycle you've undoubtedly experienced the sting of anti-veloism at least once. Some anti-veloist attacks are fairly straightforward, like when an irate motorist yells at you for being "in the way." Others though are downright bizarre, and can be so strange that instead of being angry you just find yourself confused. A reader recently forwarded me an instance of the latter from Madison, Wisconsin.

In this case, the anti-veloism took the form of a skit on a WJJ0 99.4 radio program, and you can listen to the skit here. Basically, some guy with a goofy Harry Shearer radio voice says he's sick of bicyclists, or "spandex cowboys." He then segues into some skit which is a parody of a hunting show, in which the host goes to the "Wisconsin Bicycle Trail of Death," where he kills bicycles instead of deer "because we feel they're flamers and they should be shot at!" He then launches into some weird homoerotic reverie in which he positions himself near someplace "gay and retarded" because that's where cyclists like to congregate. Once he spies some effeminate male cyclists, he then shoots them and excitedly declares that he "bagged me a nancy boy!" Then the host comes back and says that "if motorcyclists...if we did what bicyclists do we'd be in jail and our bikes impounded." Then they go to commercial.

I suppose on some level this is shocking, and I suppose it should make me angry, but it really doesn't because it's just so weird. Firstly, whoever made the skit seems to have some intense obsession with homosexuals, and I get the sense that he hates gays much more than he hates cyclists. So he's attempting to insult cyclists by saying they're gay. But there's nothing especially insulting about being called a homosexual. Anybody who called some punk kid a "homo" in the 80s was buying Nirvana and Green Day CDs by the mid-90s, and was flexing his brand-new tribal arm band tattoo at Lollapalooza while pretending to like the same bands that the "homo" punk kid was listening to back in the 80s. Usually being called "gay" just means you're ahead of the curve.

Still, for anti-veloists, equating lycra clothing with homosexuality is the go-to insult, so it bears examination. Obviously not all cyclists wear lycra, and those who do don't wear it all the time. But while lycra clothing certainly can look silly, I'm not sure why it's "gay." There are plenty of gay people in New York City, and some of them are quite proud of it and as such want to make sure everybody else knows they're gay too. These people do not dress up as cyclists or wear skin-tight spandex clothing. I have never seen a gay person walking around in full team kit without a bicycle in sight. But they do often dress as motorcyclists, which is what the host of the radio show claims to be:




Meanwhile, traditionally, skin-tight spandex is generally not used to express homosexuality. Actually, it's usually used to underscore heterosexuality. I'm not saying it succeeds, but take comic book characters, wrestlers, or 80s rock bands as examples. All of these things are supposed to be heterosexual:




Of course, not all 80s rock stars were staunchly heterosexual. Some actually did come to openly profess their homosexuality. But they didn't wear spandex or dress as cyclists. They dressed as motorcyclists:


So culturally speaking, it would seem leather and not lycra/spandex is the material of choice when you want to advertise your homosexuality.

Still, let's give the cyclist hunter in the skit the benefit of the doubt. Obviously there are gay cyclists out there, just like there are gay motorcyclists, and gay golfers, and probably even gay curlers (who may even curl while in full biker attire). But that simply does not explain the frequency with which this guy seems to encounter gay cyclists. After all, he hates cyclists. I like cyclists and I am a cyclist and I don't seem to encounter gay cyclists with any more frequency than I encounter any other type of gay person. Generally, when you hate something, you avoid it. This guy must really want to be around gay cyclists for some reason. And I don't think he wants to shoot them. I think he wants to shoot with them. It just makes me think of that Onion headline.

Certainly, if either the host or the guy in the skit has a gay cyclist fetish, they're not going to admit it. Certainly also neither of them ride bicycles themselves. But the host at least does claim to be a motorcyclist. And while he has no experience with bicycles, I do have some experience with motorcycles. Anybody who's spent any time on a motorcycle knows you encounter just as much crap as you do on a bicycle. In fact, in a lot of ways motorcyclists have it worse than cyclists, because when you're on the highway and a driver on a cellphone merges into you without looking, you're going 70mph, not 20mph, and the possible consequences are far worse. Nobody treats you any better when you're on a motorcycle than they do when you're on a bicycle.

So you'd expect a hard-core motorcyclist knows how tough things can be and as such might have some respect for cyclists. You'd also think that maybe the fact that The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company, Harley-Davidson, and the host all share the same home state might also help the host find common ground for his fellow two-wheeled siblings. But owning a motorcycle doesn't necessarily make you a motorcyclist, just like owning a bicycle doesn't necessarily make you a cyclist. It could be that, now that the weather's warming up, the host is just taking his gleaming Harley-Davidson out of storage. Perhaps it's even some fancy "factory custom." (I'm not sure how something can be a "factory custom"--that's like a fixed-gear freewheel.) Maybe he's even got some new chrome bolt-on accessories, like Maltese cross rear-view mirrors or knurled grips, that he's going to pay the local Harley dealer to install. Once they're on, he'll slip on his non-gay made in China official Harley-Davidson brand leather attire and ride for a couple hours on Sunday. On the way to the non-retarded, non-gay bar and grill where all the other local Harley owners go, maybe he'll encounter a hill, where he'll be forced to turn his knurled throttle grip a tiny bit to get around a group of gay cyclists who have gotten bunched up on the climb. This will obviously be tremendously frustrating for him, but he can take solace in the fact that they will be pounded by the sound of his "custom" pipes as he goes by.

Don't get me wrong--I have nothing against motorcyclists, even though when I see some of them riding around sitting on their flatulent bikes I can't help but think they're simply indulging some repressed desire to have people watch them while they go to the bathroom. And I'm not saying these radio guys are like that, but then again you've at least got to consider the possibility that they're exactly the opposite of what they say they are, which is heterosexual motorcyclists.

In any case, we all look equally ridiculous, so hopefully we can at least watch out for each-other on the way to our respective "gay and retarded" hangouts.

Cult Following: Harbingers of the Apocalypse

(Jackalope by Erik K)

Further to yesterday's post, I am still having trouble reconciling the hillbilly-esque "hipster" (or hipster-esque "hillbilly") pictured with the can of PBR. Certainly this co-mingling of styles is nothing new--it dates back at least to Bob Dylan. Still, there's just something unsettling about the current incarnation, and in an attempt to understand it I delved deeper into the photo album and found this photo of the same person in repose at home:



Scanning the room, the majority of visible elements seem to fall into the "hipster" column:



While the adjustable wrench and the PBR can go both ways, and while "hipsters" rarely wear white socks, overall I don't think it would be inappropriate to consider this person a "hipster." But the proverbial jackalope in the room is, of course, the pistol. Until now, "hipsters" resisted guns as fervently as they resisted sincerity. So the advent of a new breed of gun-toting "hipster" is a disturbing sign.

So why might a "hipster" feel the need to arm himself? Is he protecting his slovenly home from some malevolent third party's attempts to clean it? Has excessive marijuana smoking made him paranoid? Did he simply find it nestled in his beard one morning after a long night of excessive PBR consumption? No, I don't think any of these explanations are adequate. Unfortunately, the implications are probably far more insidious.

As incongruous as a gun-toting "hipster" may seem, there is certainly historical precedent for this behavior. The last "hipsters" to take up arms were the Symbionese Liberation Army in the 1970s:


The SLA were most famous for kidnapping heiress Patty Hearst and robbing a bank. It could be then that the armed "hipsters" from yesterday's post are planning a similar caper. Perhaps they plan to kidnap Paris Hilton, go to a track bike boutique, and steal a bunch of cogs.

But probably the most famous "hipsters" to use deadly weapons were the Manson Family in the late 1960s:



Under the command of Charles Manson, the Manson Family concocted what was probably the most ambitious plan ever devised by a group of "hipsters." Basically, they were going to make a Beatles-esque album. Obviously, all groups of four or more "hipsters" attempt to record an album at some point, so this is not remarkable in itself. But the Family did not stop there. This album was going to be so great that it was going to incite an apocalyptic race war in which the blacks would annihilate the whites, which the Family would wait out in some kind of underground city. (This is not as far-fetched as it sounds, because most "hipster" music does make you want to kill white people.) But like most "hipsters," they couldn't really get the album together, and instead of following "hipster" tradition by simply ditching their plans and talking vaguely about making a movie, they decided to kill a bunch of people. The lesson, of course, is that when "hipsters" plan, bad things happen. "Hipsters" are like titanium bottom bracket spindles--put too much pressure on them and they crack.

So I'm relatively certain that the "hipsters" from yesterday's post are tragically following in the Manson family's footsteps. By selling that old Gitane conversion for $300, they hope to jump-start the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse. Once it's underway, they'll probably hunker down somewhere with a few years' supply of canned beer until the land has been laid to waste and the fixed-gear riders smote. Then, they can re-emerge as the only fixed-gear riders in the world. I only hope they don't grow impatient in the meantime and begin to kill.

Speaking of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse, there's no shortage of signs out there--as long as by "signs" you mean weird bikes. For example, a reader has sent me this horrifying photo, which reveals what bicycle hunters call a "six-point buck":


So it is written in the "Book of Redundancy":

"There shall come a bicycle, and that bicycle's handlebars shall have barends, and those barends shall in turn have barends. And there shall be much sorrow and rending of Primal jerseys."

Then I saw this specimen, also foretold by the "Book of Redundancy":


"Atop a steer tube extender shall be clamped an adjustable stem, which in turn shall be angled heavenward. To the bars shall be clamped a mount for a GPS, or perhaps an electric shaver, and to the seatpost shall be clamped a reverse-entry clipless saddle. Its rider shall reap the souls of fixed-gear riders, and he shall place them in his Jandd bag for easy portage."

Even more horrifying was this Cervelo, spotted by Daddo.one:


While at first glance it appears to be as fine a bicycle as you're likely to find under any dentist, closer inspection reveals this terrifying saddle:


I don't know what creature's buttocks one might find perched atop a saddle like that, but I can only imagine that it is cleft in twain to make room for the tail of Satan himself.

I also recently spotted this early 90s Paramount:

One might think the fact that it still retains its original derailleur drivetrain (not to mention its original pie plate) and has not been converted to a fixed-gear despite having horizontal dropouts is an encouraging sign. However, note the paint job, which happens to be virtually identical to Ratt vocalists Stephen Pearcy's unitard circa 1984:

Clearly the fact that a bike from the early 90s has an early 80s paintjob means it exists perpetually 8-10 years in the past. Essentially, it's an apparition, and eventually it will be converted to a fixed-gear--but by then the Apocalypse will have already happened and nobody will be alive to see it. Not even this poor, innocent Pista, with it's saggy chain and droopy saddle:



And its incongruously perky bars:


It is with this tragic countenance that it shall greet its demise.

But probably the most disturbing sign I've come across was this warehouse in Brooklyn, which appears to be housing some kind of pedal-driven contraption:



I wasn't about to run afoul of the dog, and I wouldn't be surprised if there were some armed "hipsters" in there too. It's possible this is some kind of flying machine, or else some kind of "lunar cycle." In any case I think someone may be building the cycling equivalent of Noah's Ark.

I hope they can find a male and a female jackalope.

Ambiguity: Mixed Messages and Style Overlap

(Jackalope trophy)

If you're like most cyclists, you probably find yourself checking out other riders' bikes. And sometimes, when a singlespeed bicycle is stationary, it can be difficult to determine from a distance whether it's equipped with a freewheel or a fixed gear. Even a lack of a rear brake (or any brakes) doesn't necessarily mean it's a fixed-gear bicycle, since increasing numbers of people are rubbing the dubious single brake/freewheel setup. (This is a bad idea, because under heavy braking your rear wheel will go up in the air like the hind quarters of a presenting baboon.) But the true "hardcore" fixed-gear cyclist does not want to leave any doubt, and one way to dispel that doubt is with a message like this:



Still, I feel there's room for interpretation here. Is this rim decal a faux-"gangsta" answer to a hypothetical question? ("What kind of bike do you rub?" "Fixie, bitch!") Or is what appears to be a comma actually just a little bit of road schmutz? In that case it would indicate a completely different exchange. ("Excuse me, to whom does this bike belong?" "Fixie Bitch!")



Wondering if there is indeed a cyclist who calls herself (or himself) the "Fixie Bitch," I conducted some research with the help of a popular internet search engine. It turns out there actually is a "Fixie Bitch," and that she is also immortalized on someone's calf. (Note the caption.):



Now, it should be said that I do not approve of calling women "bitches," and I believe strongly that the word should only be used to refer to female jackalopes. (Jackalope bitches lack antlers and look exactly like regular rabbits.) Still, if someone wants to call herself (or himself) the "Fixie Bitch" she (or he) has every right to do so. And if I had to imagine someone who might call herself the "Fixie Bitch," she'd probably be a hard-drinking, fixed-gear-rubbing, septum ring-having lady like this:


This picture is just one of a series that was forwarded me by a reader, and they were all part of this Charleston, SC Craigslist ad:


1984 55' Gitane Tour de France Fixed Gear - $300 (Downtown Charleston, SC)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-14, 12:40PM EDT

Tired of walking or bumming rides from your friends? Do you get mad when your beach cruiser can't keep up with your fellow bicyclists? Well, stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it! Buy my bike! This beauty is a 55' 1984 Gitane Tour De France Edition Fixed Gear Conversion! This baby comes equipped with Milwaukee Deep Velocity wheel set with less than a 100 ridden miles of use. I had a brand new Origin8 crank set that I believe has a lifetime warranty. It has new bar tape and a break light. The frame has some surface rust but can be easily cleaned and painted over. I was told I could sell it for $500 if I painted it and replaced the decals but I'll just let YOU do that! If you are the lucky one to buy this eco-friendly hellfire, I'll even throw in a spare tube and seat pouch. Please call me at 843-425-[deleted] if you are interested in acquiring this wonderful item!!!


The bike has no "breaks," but it does have a "break light." In any case, I'm sure you'll agree it's quite a sales pitch--though of course the salacious photos probably should be rendered in sepia and made arousal-proof by including Larry King's face:




By the way, if you're wondering what she's drinking, it appears to be a 40 oz. bottle of Schlitz malt liquor:



Or if you prefer (which I'm sure you don't):



If you would like to see more pictures of the Gitane model and prefer not to visit Craigslist, you can also find them here in this photo album. You can also find pictures of people who are presumably her friends, like this guy:

("Hipster" or "Hillbilly?")

Just as I avoid the term "bitch," I also avoid the term "hillbilly," since I understand some people find it offensive. However, it should be said that urban "hipsters" have adopted many aspects of the stereotypically rural aesthetic, such as bushy beards, old flannel shirts, affinity for cheap beer, and a professed appreciation for country and folk music. In fact, if you visit the trendy parts of Brooklyn now you will find lots of stylized "dive" bars decorated with taxidermy and patronized by young graphic designers dressed like Uncle Jesse. This makes sense, since we're living in the Age of Irony, and people now seem to be flocking to the city only to transform it into some kind of honky-tonk theme park. Still, as a result, it has become almost impossible to tell a "hipster" from a "hillbilly" in photos, and as such I have no idea what to make of the person above. Actually, the only thing "hipsters" and "hillbillies" don't share is guns (the "hipster's" only mode of self-defense is sarcasm), so this photo from the same album was slightly less ambiguous:


I think she may be getting ready for a jackalope hunt.

Speaking of "hipster" fashion, the lock-around-the-waist look is as popular as ever. Actually, a reader informs me that some people are now simply wearing the lock by itself:


Note the addition of sepia, as well as both Larry King and Oprah. That should keep your chain slack.

The Pinch Test: Indignities of Spring

When we last saw the Lone Wolf, observant readers noticed that the shadow cast by his bicycle had a blue tint to it. I was not sure why this was--until I received this photo from a reader:




I was incredibly grateful to finally have a closer look at the Lone Wolf's setup. Note the forward-angled tri post which serves to not only compensate for what must be an extremely relaxed geometry, but also provides the trunk for what is essentially a "water tree." He's also kept the chainguard on, taking advantage of both its protective and aero properties by integrating it with the translucent blue fairing. Dual wheel covers and a frontal fairing also see to it that this bike cheats the wind like Bernie Madoff. Time trial bikes are sometimes referred to as "slippery," and this baby is more slippery than a wet ham.

Even without his "A" bike, the Lone Wolf's visage exudes confidence, and as much respect I have for his arch-nemesis Bart Kaufman I'm afraid Kaufman may be less a wolf than a jackalope in comparison:



Not only is the jackalope simultaneously proud and absurd, but antlers on a rabbit is not dissimilar to a rack on a Madone.

Speaking of rotund, hibernating animals (everybody knows jackalopes hibernate), now that spring is here those cyclists who go "underground" during the winter months are beginning to re-emerge tentatively into the wild. While I personally welcome these shaky, bewildered riders back into the fold, at least one woman is less than impressed:





To all the male cyclist... - w4m
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-19, 7:40AM EDT

that stuck it out through a cold nyc winter and didn't hang their bike up for 5 months, your looking good out there. I enjoy watching you race by now that the weather is getting warm and the layers are coming off.

To all the grotesque men that i passed going up the bridge yesterday morning that ate like f'n pig's all winter, and ordered delivery every night, played guitar hero that were out riding yesterday trying to make it up the bridge with a doughnut and a heavy krypto chain on it's last link around their waist on a fixed gear. You're gut is not sexy. You're growing a second chin. You're a part timer. Cover up please, and get out of my way when i'm coming over the bridge.... thank you.

As if trendy urban cyclists didn't have enough to worry about when it comes to peer acceptance of their wardrobes, it turns out women are actually counting how many links they've got left when they wrap their Kryptonite chains around their waists. For this reason, I think Kryptonite should offer their popular New York chain locks in custom lengths so that those of excessive girth can still show a little chain slack. This would have a slimming effect and might in turn earn them a little bit of slack from judgmental ladies like this one.

In the meantime, though, clearly if you need to use the last link of your chain when you wrap it around your waist you should instead put it in your bag. Actually, unless you're a messenger and you're locking and unlocking your bike every few minutes you should probably just keep your chain in your bag anyway. I'm not sure why riders buy such large messenger bags yet continue to keep their locks on their bodies. Most bags I see that are not worn by actual messengers are empty and flat and are so huge they look more like capes than bags.

I suspect it's only a matter of time before the chain-around-the-waist look becomes so popular that people just start wearing them even if they're not riding. This look works especially well paired with some u-locks hanging from your ear tunnels.

But with spring comes bike theft, and I was dismayed to read that at least one woman has been relieved of her tire:





to the douchebag that stole my back bike tire at the Marcy JMZ... - 25 (williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-18, 11:41PM EDT

To the person who stole (or perhaps, borrowed?) my back bike tire from the Marcy JMZ sometime between Tuesday and this evening...
We missed an amazing connection. I feel like my fist and your face would get along famously. I"m a pretty good looking girl. I mean, i have no noticeable scars, no missing limbs or disfigurements, and all of my teeth touch. Perhaps you would like to meet up some time for coffee, or maybe even a bike ride (i"m guessing it is safe to assume you like bikes?). Maybe even as soon as Friday? oh wait, thats no good for me, I really just see no way that a person of such low income could come up with the money to replace that tire on such short notice. It's a good thing that I don't need that bike to get to work or anything, cause then I'd really be fucked. Oh right, I DO. Seriously though, thanks for at least picking the beginning of spring to take that shitty burden of a back tire off my hands. It really was just another piece of dead-weight that i was sick of hauling around, and who really uses their bike in the summer anyway... I really can't wait to hear from you...I think we missed a very magical moment that we could have spent together, and I for one, would love another chance...

Truly,
ol' one wheel.

I realize a lot of people say "tire" when what they really mean is "wheel," but if you think about it just stealing tires is pretty smart. Stealing a wheel from a bicycle can arouse suspicion and needs to be done quickly, but stealing the tires just makes it look like you're fixing a flat so you can take your time. I'm sure passing cyclists would even slow down and ask you if you needed any help. (I always ask cyclists with flats if they need help, but I actually accelerate when I pass because I don't want to hear the answer. I shudder to think of how many tire thefts in progress I might otherwise have thwarted.) Actually, the only reason you don't hear more about tire theft is that most people don't have the necessary dedication; instead, once they've got the wheel off they figure they might as well graduate to wheel theft so they just take off.

Of course, the rarest of all thefts is inner tube theft. The inner tube thief stealthily removes the wheel, removes the tire, takes the inner tube, replaces the tube with packing peanuts, re-mounts the tire, re-installs the wheel, and slips off into the night like a wet ham. Victims don't even know they've been hit until they try to ride off; even then, many don't realize it and just think the crunching noise is coming from their bottom brackets. Meanwhile, the inner tube thief deflates and flattens the tube, puts a little talc on it, re-packages it, and sells it on the notorious inner tube black market. A dedicated inner tube thief can make dozens of dollars in as little as a month.

This is why I rub tubular tires on all my commuter bikes. They're pinch-flat resistant and just plain pinch-resistant.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

While I may have jumped the shark, I take some solace in the fact that I have not "jumped the wolf":


If you don't know what "jumping the wolf" is, it's when you take both cycling and yourself to a new plateau of idiocy. A reader forwarded me this link, and it proves once again that, for some people, a day on the bike is simply incomplete without also handling animal carcasses. These riders, however, have succeeded in making even the most absurd "fixter" antics look edifying in comparison. Probably the only thing worse than trying really hard to be a "hipster" is trying really hard to be a "hipster," missing completely, and instead landing somewhere between "frat boy" and "late-stage syphilis":

(Dead Animal Collective)

This is what nine people who are in the later stages of both syphilis and planning a move to Brooklyn look like. And here's their leader, who has assumed that position by dint of having the most voluminous tattoos and beard:



While he may not have knuckle tattoos, he does have a tattoo of knuckle tattoos, so he gets some points for irony. Still, while he cuts an impressive figure, he's less of an "alpha male" than he is an "alfalfa male".

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Speaking of my shark jumping, I'd just like to reiterate that even though I am now a complete sell-out, I have no intention of changing or compromising this blog. (At least no more than it is already compromised by my own lack of ability.) That being said, my dark corporate overlords have insisted on two changes, and I have accepted in characteristically sniveling fashion.

Firstly, the phrase "All You Haters Suck My Balls" has been deemed too graphic, so when referencing it in the future I will instead say, "All You Haters Fondle My Balls." For some reason that seems to be OK with them.

Secondly, I have long observed a policy of applying a sepia tone to sexually suggestive photos in order to legitimize them:

(Original is here if you insist on seeing it in more lascivious hues.)

Well, going forward, my dark overlords have insisted that, in addition to the sepia, I place the lust-quashing visage of Larry King somewhere in the image as well:


I'm simultaneously happy and nauseous to oblige.

With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see this awesome skid.

Thanks for reading and ride safe this weekend,

--BSNYC/RTMS









1) What's the most likely explanation for this setup?

--The brakes are easily accessed during elephant trunk skids
--The rider is attempting to emulate the popular Reverse-Mounted Brake Lever (RMBL) style
--The rider flopped-and-chopped the bars without re-orienting the brake levers
--Bar slip



2) AYHFMB indeed! Where was this testicle relaxation station?

--The North American Handmade Bicycle Show
--The Oregon Manifest Handmade Bike Show
--The Taipei International Cycle Show
--A rest stop on last year's Bike New York Five Boro Bike Tour






- A Heavy set women who is able to ride a bike and comfortable in provocative wardrobe who is comfortable having profanities shouted at her
- A woman with a round face, small eyes, and upturned nose who is comfortable having profanities shouted out at her in a comedic scene
- A rail thin teen boy with bad skin, bad acne

3) The above are being sought for:

--A new fetish video
--Extra work in a forthcoming feature film
--A wealthy voyeur who is orchestrating his fantasy threesome
--A new "schluffing" video






4) According to its owner, this Pista is:

--"Completely stock"
--"Beat like Takeshi"
--"A great ministry to proclaim the Word of God!"
--"Laterally stiff and vertically complacent"


5) Lip tattoos are the new knuckle tattoos:

--True
--False



6) According to Cyclingnews, those hoping for "Porsche acceleration at Honda pricing" are going to be pleased with the Specialized Tarmac Expert:

--True
--False


7) According to PezCycling News, the $1,200 Topolino CX 2.0 wheelset is:

--"Astoundingly overpriced"
--"Aesthetically dispeasing"
--"Difficult to service"
--"Techno-blingalicious"

***Special optional extra-credit essay question***

A rider's bike setup and clothing choice can sometimes tell a story. This rider has made some unusual choices. What story might these choices tell?

This Also Just In: Celebrity Citing!

I hope you'll pardon me if I seem a bit shaky, but in addition to announcing my shark-jumping I also had a major brush with celebrity this morning. Not only did I see Transportation Alternatives Executive Director Paul Steely "Young Jeezy" White (he was driving a Ford Edge and making an illegal right on red through a crowded crosswalk), but I also saw Barack Obama's bicycle:


If you don't believe me, this side-by-side image should be sufficient to dispel any doubt:


Also, the bike was being guarded by a nine-man security detail, and let's just say they know how to frisk.

Obama may have promised "change," but I for one am glad to see our chief executive is sticking with the same bike. In These Trying Economic Times (which I shall heretofore abbreviate as ITTET) many of us have been forced to forego upgrades and new bicycle purchases, so I think Obama's decision to keep the ill-fitting Trek hybrid with the trail-a-bike attachment even after becoming President of these United States sets a good example for us all.

By the way, I'm not sure what Obama's doing in New York, but I was checking the "Hello Brooklyn" calendar and my best guess is he's here to attend "urban shaman" Donna Henes's "Eggs on End" ceremony:

7:15AM
Event starts 7:44AM Equinox moment

A sunrise ceremony to usher in spring. As the Sun crosses the equator into the Northern Hemisphere it is possible to stand an egg on its end and according to Chinese folklore doing so brings luck for the entire year. A family friendly event. Bring kids, dogs, drums and lots of spirit.

ITTET, this may be just what we need to get our country back on track.



Speaking of celebrities who ride Treks, apparently the drug tests to which Lance Armstrong is constantly subjected reached a new level of degradation when a French anti-doping inspector hacked off a bunch of his hair:

I learned about this from reading Lance Armstrong's Twitter, which is kind of like a freak on the subway in that you pretend you don't look at it but you really do. Armstrong has been tested constantly since returning to the sport, which frankly strikes me as a huge waste of time. Retiring after all those Tour wins only to come back and cheat would be like making the world's greatest best man speech at a wedding, returning to your table, and then getting back up 20 minutes later to urinate on the cake. And as entertaining as that would be, he's just not going to do it. As such, I'm currently working on two theories for all the testing:

1) The French (whose last win in their eponymous grand tour was during the reign of Napoleon II) believe Armstrong's bodily fluids have special Tour-winning properties. As such, they are attempting to collect enough of it to secure a victory for team Agritubel. However, if this is indeed their plan, then their logic is deeply flawed. If Armstrong's bodily fluids had that kind of power, then Ashley Olson would have at least won a mountain stage by now.

2) The French are attempting to collect enough of Lance Armstrong to actually make their own Lance Armstrong. If this is true then you can expect Agritubel's GC contender (as crazy as the idea of a French GC contender sounds) to consist entirely of blood, urine, and nail clippings. They're probably gluing on the hair as I type this, and also cutting an Armstrong mask out of some canary cage liner like Bicycling with a pair of safety scissors.

However, even though I think the chances that Armstrong would cheat are remote, I have noticed some suspicious "Tweeting" going on recently:



This eyebrow-raising post elicited a reply from one of the so-called "Twitterati":




So I followed the link, which brought me to this:




While it was immediately clear to me that Dennis Hopper was "dropping mad science," Armstrong seemed unconvinced:


I guess some people can't handle life "on the real." I guess that's also why Dennis Hopper's Twitter only has 44 followers. Personally, not only am I unafraid of Dennis Hopper's insights, but it's also as if he's actually channeling my own thoughts:



I don't know if this is the real Dennis Hopper, and I don't care either. The man speaks the truth, and ITTET that's all that matters.

This Just In: BSNYC Jumps The Shark!

(image by Erik K)

I'm pleased to announce that I've just received a press release from Bicycling magazine. While I ordinarily just delete press releases from Bicycling, this one was actually about me, so I proceeded to skim it:

BICYCLING MAGAZINE DEBUTS TWO

NEW FEATURE COLUMNS
--“Road Rights” and “The Bike Snob” will appear in the Bicycling’s
May issue, on newsstands April 7th --

Emmaus, PA: March 19, 2009 — Bicycling announced today it will debut two new feature columns. “Road Rights,” authored by lawyer and two-time Olympic cyclist, Bob Mionske, will cover legal issues relating to cycling, while “The Bike Snob,” penned by influential blogger, BikeSnobNYC, will serve as a take-no-prisoners commentary on cycling culture. Both columns will be unveiled in the magazine’s May issue, available on newsstands April 7th.

“For Bicycling, ‘Road Rights’ signals the deepening of our commitment to the coverage of road conditions for cyclists, with the ultimate goal of affecting positive change in the form of safer streets and greater mutual respect between cyclists and motorists,” says Loren Mooney, Bicycling’s editor in chief.

“Road rights and safety are critical issues for any cyclist, from the rank beginner up to the pro-racer, and no one has more expertise on these subjects than Bob Mionske,” Mooney added. Mionske’s practice specializes in cycling law and his 2007 book, Bicycling and The Law, is the first book written about legal issues for cyclists since The Road Rights and Liabilities of Wheelmen was published in 1895. Mionske’s new column will appear regularly in Bicycling magazine and bi-monthly on Bicycling.com.

To this point, Bicycling was just named a 2009 National Magazine Award finalist in the Public Interest category for its investigative piece, Broken, which examines America’s failure to keep its road safe for cyclists, and makes a case against a biased legal system. Ultimately, this story helped to spark grassroots pro-cycling safety movements across the country and heightened the focus on the issue within the cycling community.

“The Bike Snob” allows for Bicycling to add BikeSnobNYC to the magazine’s enviable roster of writers. His style punditry on the world of cycling has been sought by publications such as The New York Times and The New York Observer. His first book on cycling culture is forthcoming from Chronicle Books.

“After months of begging,’” says Mooney, “BikeSnobNYC finally agreed to bring his unparalleled wit and sense of style to the readers of Bicycling.”

Overall, I was disappointed with the press release, mostly because of all the fluff about that lawyer guy. Also, after complaining about the word "biking" yesterday, I was irritated to find that my blog is "penned"--especially since I type with a pencil. Worst of all, it appears I'm going to be very busy in the coming days, though I should be able to pawn most of it off on the helper monkey.

Still, I'm excited about the column, and as a person who loves to write I'm grateful to be able to do more of it. I'm also very grateful there are people who enjoy this blog. By the way, if you're one of those people who's critical of Bicycling, I think they at least deserve some credit here. After all, I'm known for being a sarcastic bike blogger, so the fact that they're letting me write a cooking column that's not only completely sincere but also includes no cycling content whatsoever is a bold and daring decision on their part.


--BSNYC/RTMS

Takin' It to the Streets: Things are Schluff All Over

Once again, I am pleased to have received in the mail another book. This one came from How To Avoid the Bummer Life Proprietor, accomplished artist, and bacon apologist Stevil Kinevil. Unlike the books I received last week, this book is pre-owned and pre-read, and I can only hope that Stevil does not absent-mindedly clean his ears while he reads like I do. (It leaves an unsightly residue, but it does help with page-turning.) To make up for the pre-readedness, though, Stevil also included some novelty items with the book:


Ah yes, treats for the mind and the tastebuds. As for the book itself, at first I wondered why Stevil was sending me a copy of Floyd Landis's "Positively False":


But then I looked closer and realized the person on the cover was actually a different guy partially in shadow and with a furrowed brow. Moreover, it was someone I had seen before, so I hastened to my "Pit of Embarrassment" and found this:


I also found this:


The flying penis (which is autographed to boot!) wasn't much help, but the Cro-Mags record was, and the book is indeed the memoir of former Cro-Mags "singer" John Joseph. I look forward to reading it--that is, as soon as I finish reading "Neil Diamond Is Forever: The Illustrated Story of the Man and His Music". You may scoff, but reading about Neil Diamond at least spares you from having to actually hear him.

Speaking of stuff from the "streets" (I'm talking about the Cro-Mags, not flying penises or Neil Diamond), I was checking out Streetsblog recently. (Sometimes I experience a sharp, inexplicable craving for smug self-righteousness and Streetsblog satisfies those pangs quite nicely.) Among the various civic-minded post was this one, which discussed "schluffing".

"Schluffing" may sound like something you'd do with a loofah, or else like the last name of a Serotta-owning dentist, but it's apparently a form of half-assed riding advocated by the guy who wrote this article in the New York Times--though whether he's advocating it sincerely or ironically was unclear. So I went over to his blog to learn more:

Biking is the best way to go in the city if you are not walking. We at the Thoreau You Don't Know believe strongly in this proposition. Meanwhile, as far as bike etiquette goes, it's tough to stay off the sidewalk even thought the law and courtesy says we ought to. (A friend of the staff recently went to court for a sidewalk bike riding ticket and served some community service time.) Sidewalk bike riding is like jaywalking--who among us cannot resist, once in a while or more. Bikes, like people, are vehicles of compromise. Thus, we draw attention to the schluff, for when you absolutely have to move on the sidewalk and absolutely won't actually "ride."

First of all, I object to the term "biking." Riding your bike is called "riding," or "cycling." Do you call walking "shoeing?" Do you call driving "carring?" Do you call riding the subway "training?" (Actually, I'm not sure what you call riding the subway, but I do know that "training" is what roadies call cycling.) "Biking" is something you do in white sneakers, and it looks like this.

Secondly, what's so hard about staying off the sidewalk? It's only a few yards wide at most, and the street's always right there next to you. It's not like it's so far away that you need to ride to it. Plus, while the streets may be full of cars, the sidewalks are full of people and animals. Does weaving through slow-moving pedestrians present an irresistible temptation to some cyclists--so much so that they go to court over it and are forced to do community service? And what kind of community service must the sidewalk cyclist serve? I think being forced to pick up after people's dogs for them would be a fitting punishment.

Thirdly, why is a bicycle in particular a "vehicle of compromise?" All vehicles require compromise--except Tesco's Sky Penis. That really is the best of everything, especially when you add the Floyd Landis model testosterone patch hop-up kit.

Anyway, since this guy and his friends apparently can't keep their hybrids off the sidewalk, he's come up with this "schluffing" thing, which involves pushing the bike along like a scooter. The post also features a short instructional video. Here are some women standing around discussing where they bought their coats and how awesome it is to live in Brownstone Brooklyn:



Here's some guy on a bike who was unable to resist the sidewalk's siren call. He is "schluffing" by standing on his pedal and pushing his bike along as if this is somehow better than moving ten feet to the left and actually riding the thing:



As he approaches the women, he dismounts and stops "schluffing," as though he has any dignity left to preserve:



Here he is walking past the women, who are now now discussing how elegantly appointed the insides of their brownstones are. Note the "schluff" has apparently been successful, as they are not angry at him for riding on the sidewalk. In fact they don't even notice him:



The video points out the importance of the dismount, or "transition." In this sense, I suppose "schluffing" is similar to cyclocross. Perhaps a better name for it would be "dorklocross":

Incidentally, while the "schluff" may have succeeded in not angering the women, it turns out they did notice him. After he passes, they clearly look at him and temporarily change the subject from how nice their brownstones are to how dorky that guy was:



By the way, the video is accompanied by Irish folk music, as though "schluffing" has some sort of old-world charm about it. Frankly, if he's going to sell this whole idea, he really should try the fixed-gear video approach and go with more aggressive music. I actually muted the sound, opened a new window, played this, and watched the "schluffing" instructional with the new soundtrack. I'm sure you'll agree it works much better than the fiddles.

But even a punishing new soundtrack can't disguise the problems inherent in "schluffing":

--You can't "schluff" on a fixed gear;
--"Schluffing" would be extremely difficult with road shoes;
--"Schluffing" would be extremely difficult with toe clips;
--"Schluffing" is stupid.

And probably the worst thing about "schluffing" is that you're selling out your bike. Reducing your bicycle to the status of a scooter is like declawing a lion or de-venomizing a snake. Perhaps some of these people might actually be more comfortable on scooters than on bicycles. Actually, they'd probably be a lot happier on Mogos--then they could "schluff" all the time. Not to mention the fact that it opens the door for other vehicles to ride on the sidewalk as well. Before you know it people will be driving their cars on the sidewalk with one foot sticking out the door. I mean, people are already driving on the sidewalks as it is--not too long ago I was standing (not "schluffing") on the sidewalk with my bicycle when a car almost hit me. I even have photographic evidence. Here's the car just after it passed me, left the sidewalk, and entered the interesection diagonally:



Hey, I'll admit I've hopped onto the sidewalk to skirt a traffic jam. But if something forces me onto the sidewalk, instead of "schluffing," I just throw one of these. Nobody even knows I was there.

Misinformation: Simple Bikes Can Do Amazing Things

("No Bicycles or Dogs Allowed": even crabon feels anti-veloism's cruel sting.)

As the days when the "fixed-gear culture" was an egalitarian utopia which anybody could join recede further into the past, I find myself growing increasingly nostalgic. That's why I'm very pleased to announce that I've discovered a fixed-gear documentary made during the "Fixed-Gear Golden Age" (which most fixed-gear historians agree occurred sometime last summer) that sums up the entire phenomenon poignantly, elegantly, and succinctly:


This video is stuffed full of facts like a fakenger's Chrome bag is stuffed full of wadded up newspaper. Just a few of these facts include:

--Fixed-gear bicycles have no gears or brakes;
--Fixed-gears have a "direct drive system similar to a tricycle";
--Riders "must lock up their legs and skid their bikes to a stop";
--And, according to an interviewee, "You're in total control...there's no brake levers and anything like that you have to rely on."

And so forth.

If you're the skeptical type, you may have found yourself questioning some of these facts as you watched. For example, if fixed-gear bicycles have "no gears," then why are they called "fixed-gears?" Secondly, if fixed-gear bicycles are defined by their lack of brakes, then how come one with a brake on the front rolled through the shot the moment the narrator said that?

Well, all I can tell you is, if you don't know then you were never really a part of the "scene" and you don't understand the fixed-gear experience. It's a Zen thing. You feel totally connected to the bike. By the way, here's another interesting fact about fixed-gears from the video:

"Simple bikes can do amazing things. Like riding backwards, bouncing on a rear wheel, and even standing motionless. Tricks that would be all but impossible on regular bikes."

So basically, if you're not interested in getting to your destination and prefer to stand still or bounce up and down, or you actually want to get farther away from your destination than you were when you started out, a fixed-gear bicycle is a good choice. And don't try to bounce on your rear wheel or stand motionless on a non-fixed-gear bike. I think you'll find it totally impossible.

By the way, Eugene, OR must have a terrible problem with people not cleaning up after their dogs, because there was shot after shot of riders scraping the bottoms of their shoes on their front wheels:



Anyway, this video should give you a pretty good idea of what you missed. It's like watching documentaries about the 60s and wishing you had been there so you could have partaken in all the free drugs and sex. But now it's all over. "Fixed-gear culture" has had its metaphorical Altamont. (Thanks entirely to this guy, who looks like he's about to pick his nose.) Even people already grandfathered into the "scene" are decamping. Like this guy:




Looking for a road bike for a one way trip
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-14, 1:33AM EDT

Looking to ride out to Chicago this summer. I've been riding fixies and SS bikes for a long time. Have used geared bikes for some competitions but those were borrowed from my friends. Looking for a reliable, geared bike to get me out west. Nothing special or even pretty, looking strictly for reliability. Preferably something a little older, steel framed. Looking to do a tuneup without buying specialized parts.

hit me up kiddies.

Here's somebody who's been a dedicated fixed-gear and singlespeed rider and doesn't even own a geared bike. Now suddenly he wants to ride all the way to Chicago, so he expects people to fall all over themselves to equip him with a geared bike. Frankly, I think the "geared bike culture" should turn on this person the same way the "fixed-gear culture" turned on those "TRAkTION" guys last week. I don't ride around on geared bikes exclusively, backpedaling furiously at red lights in order to rub my ability to coast in fixed-gear riders' faces (backpedaling furiously at red lights is the "geared bike culture" equivalent of trackstanding) and then suddenly demand cycledom provide me with a fixed-gear bike because I've decided I want to do Monstertrack. What ever happened to starting small?

Also, cyclists who undertake ridiculously long bicycle trips seem to think that they're performing a public service and that other cyclists should help them and encourage them. They act like medieval heroes who are going off to slay some dragon, and they expect the village to give them provisions and a big sendoff and celebrate their bravery. I couldn't disagree more. I don't help strangers with their vacations to the Bahamas, so why should I help them with their recreational bike tours? It's like this guy has only snorkeled but now he wants to do a deep dive so he's looking for someone to hook him up with a cheap SCUBA tank.

Even worse than touring cyclists who don't own geared bikes are triathletes who don't own bikes at all:





Triathlon Bike Needed!!!
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-16, 11:27AM EDT

I am entered and I am training for the NYC Triathlon in July 2009. I have been on a tredmill and bike trainer all winter long...Now that it is nice I want to get on a BIKE and get used to it before the race. I have very little extra funds for a BIKE and would like beg, barrow, or deal for one until after the race is over. I am 5'10" and looking for something that would be a good fit. Hopefully someone looking to get rid of a BIKE or let me barrow one can help.

I live in Queens and work in Midtown so I can meet almost anywhere for someone willing to help out...

Why is it that some people feel they need to go from not owning a bicycle at all to competing on one? What's wrong with simply owning and riding a bike for awhile first, and maybe doing a running race in the meantime? By the way, the New York City Triathlon is a huge event--over 3,000 people "compete" in it. I cannot imagine anything more frightening than riding my bike around thousands of anaerobic people wearing Lt. Dangle shorts, some of whom did not even own bikes prior to the event.

Anyway, there are plenty of tri bikes on Craigslist this person can purchase--like this one:



This is a sweet ride and is truly state-of-the-art:

First of all, nothing says "speed" like a disc wheel and aerobars coupled with mountain bike pedals. Secondly, note the saddle with the cutout extending all the way through the nose. This is actually a "clipless saddle system" and it's the very latest in time trial technology, though it's difficult to describe without getting too graphic. Basically, the way it works is that the rider hangs his "pants yabbies" in front of the saddle and then slides back, thus locking the crotchal region securely to the saddle--kind of like a door chain lock. In order to release, the rider simply slides forward again. Obviously, no cleat is required, as the "pants yabbies" are effectively the cleat, though you do need to wear the new crotchless cycling shorts. At the moment clipless tri saddles are only available for men, but I understand a new unisex prototype with a totally new engagement system is currently in the works (though word in tri circles is that it can severely compromise performance during the running portion of the race).

Once you've mounted the bike and you're securely locked to the saddle, you then place your forearms on the forearm pads and slowly insert the hydration tube at the front of your bike down your throat. Coming out of your aero tuck to drink can cost precious seconds, and this way you don't have to move. It may not sound like fun, but there's nothing "fun" about improving your personal best.

Lastly, I've just learned from readers that Cannondale has actually been forced to recall a number of bicycles because they are missing their pie plates:


These are pretty high-end bikes, so you'd think a lack of pie plates would be a desirable feature--kind of like seedless grapes. But no, I guess the law calls for "nerd rotors," since they "prevent the bicycle chain from interfering or suddenly stopping the wheel." Yet Cannondale is completely free to sell these pie-plateless machines.

I guess chains don't interfere with the wheel as long as they're purple.

Turning It Out: The Bicycle Mating Rituals of Spring

Now that the "fixed-gear culture" is closed, young aspirants are no longer permitted to make films, develop products, or otherwise participate in the marketing of the fixed-gear culture (apart from buying stuff from officially sanctioned fixed-gear culture arbiters, of course). However, while fixed gear culture can easily keep individuals outside the gates of their trendy compound, they are still powerless against big companies like Timberland, who can use the word "fixie" with impunity. (I'm not sure what "impunity" means, but I think it's a kind of sauce, similar to "awesome sauce."):



A reader recently alerted me to this shoe's existence, and though I've pored over the description (that's "pored" and not "poured," which is what you do with impunity and awesome sauce) and while it does have some bike-specific features I haven't been able to figure out what's "fixie" about it:


The list of features actually raises more questions than it answers. Is it SPD compatible? Can I also use it on a geared bike? What's a "bike plate"? Is it like a pie plate for shoes? I'd also like to see the "hidden flip-up reflectors in the heel," and I wonder if you can get a remote handlebar-mounted switch to activate them. In any case, I bet these shoes would go great with the Cordarounds Bike To Work pants:



Those also have hidden reflectors, and the ones in the rear pockets seem to work in the mating frog/presenting baboon style:



Why put a light on your bike when you can be the light? Not only will these keep you visible at night, but they'll also let fellow cyclists know you're ready for some serious coupling. Just turn out those pockets and next thing you know you'll be sitting naked on a bearskin rug exposing your "contact patch" like the guy in this photo, forwarded to me by another reader:



Either that, or you'll be defending your nipples from said rug like you're living the last moments of Timothy Treadwell:



Speaking of defending your nipples, now that spring is in the air it's more important than ever to protect them from predators. It may take two people to inflate a tire in Williamsburg, but it only takes one woman to inflate a hipster's lust:




I saw you in front of the bike shop - m4w
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-15, 11:38PM EDT


Beautiful Asian woman with amazing chest. You were filling your tires and someone was helping you.
Are you out there?
Bike shop in Williamsburg.

Sadly, this person did not flip out the pockets of his Cordarounds Bike To Work pants and strut back and forth in front of her like a peacock. If he had, she surely would have responded, and before he knew it they'd be rubbing "contact patches" on the nearest bearskin rug. Instead, he opted for Craigslist, where he must compete with suave characters like this:





chicago israeli girl on the 1 - m4w - 24 (Harlem / Morningside)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-14, 4:40AM EDT

hey! we talked on the two and then the one. I amsued you and your not-boyfriend who was British, and then I asked for your phone number and you said no. sweet. I just wanted you to know that everything I said was true, Medical this, Shakespeare that, etc. I'm not joking, I don't bull shit. So if you would like to talk in the future, after our trist with ze brit, reply. It'd be convenient, you'd meet the most interesting jew doctor to be this side of them Mississippi. I don't know about the left coast. Some of those people might win.

Guy on 1 train who mentioned old ladies and rectals. Sweet.
and if you, random reader just read this, and you want to send me a message and maybe you ride a bike too, awesome.


If you ever needed a reason to commute by bicycle instead of by subway, I think the possibility of being approached by an oversexed doctor is a compelling one. Then again, some people are attracted to Jewish doctors. And if you're the sort of person who gets hot over things with Jewish surnames, here's a rare opportunity for you to acquire two Kleins for the price of one:




2 KLEIN BIKES FOR THE PRICE OF 1 - - $2000
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-13, 12:03AM EDT


I'm sale two klein bike. one of the bike is a belong to a RACING TEAM IN ITALY called super ITALY PRO 260 the klein bike is a QUANTUM PRO. The second bike is also a klein but its a ADROIT with a design sit and it also brings a air pump. This bike are in very good condition. The bike were giving to me by the owner because he didn't have room for them, he had them were i work in a storage. The bike can also be sold separate. Shipping can be arrange but its extra.

THANK YOU FOR LOOKING



Ah, yes. Who doesn't remember the old Super Italia Pro 260 team? Not only were they one of the first teams named after a handlebar, but they all rode Kleins, and they were called the Pro 260 team because there were actually 260 of them--kind of like the Crazy 88 from "Kill Bill." Now of course there are plenty of teams named after handlebars, such as the "Rotundo Team" (so called because they're all quite rotund) and the "Pro Compact White" team (which consists entirely of short caucasians). There's even a "dildo bar" team, who wear Cordarounds Bike To Work pants with the pockets turned out and who use these (and not necessarily on their bikes).

Also, the mountain bike "brings a air pump." I think that was a song by the Wu-Tang Clan and the chorus was "bring 'da motherfucking air pump," though I may be confusing it with "Bring da Ruckus."

Yes, thanks to expressive pants, dildo bars, and bearskin rugs, you no longer need to leave your house to have a good time with your bike--especially if you're a fixed-gear freestyler. It seems like more and more of them are learning that, when it comes to doing tricks on your bike, there's really no reason to bother going outside:




Now that's what I call bringing da ruckus:


Fixed-gear freestyling, slathered in impunity and awesome sauce.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

(Spotted in Manhattan)

The world of cycling is filled with ugliness and beauty; sense and nonsense; quality and crap. And rather than subject you to unadulterated crap, I figure the least I can do is try to make some of that crap edifying by presenting it to you in quiz form. As always, study the item, think, and choose your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see what hipsters dream.

Thanks as always for reading and ride safe this weekend. And if you run into any trouble, be sure to get naked.


--BSNYC/RTMS





1) For $600 you can own this time trial frame autographed by which celebrity cyclist?

--Carson Daly
--Robin Williams
--Lance Armstrong
--Jake Gyllenhaal





2) This "vintage" frame features "hand laid images" from which illustrated children's classic?

--"Where the Wild Things Are"
--"The Cat in the Hat"
--"Winnie the Pooh"
--"The Road" by Cormac McCarthy




3) This bike, complete with TTMBL-actuated Campagnolo Delta brake and Mavic IO front wheel, belongs to the young man in the photo.

--True
--False


4) Which one of these people is professional cyclist Fabian Cancellara?

--The person on the left
--The person on the right
--Both are Fabian Cancellara
--Neither is Fabian Cancellara



5) A reader in Greensboro, NC spotted the above rim, which reads: "Steal me and I'll crack your skull open with a fire extinguisher." Why is this a poor theft deterrent?

--Fire extinguishers are heavy and unwieldy
--He'd be better off simply locking the wheel
--Theoretically, while the message protects the wheel, it leaves the rest of the bicycle vulnerable
--All of the above


6) A knuckle tattoo is worth eight letters, but a calf tattoo is worth a thousand words.

--True
--False


7) Silhouettes of triumphant cyclists emerging from people's buttocks are the new male tramp stamp.

--True
--False




8) What does the owner of this bike have to say about it?

--"Fuck this shit."
--"The colors came out awesome on this one. What a beauty!"
--"This bike is awesome if you're a British clown."
--"This bike is a Voltron of ugliness."


9) How does the owner of this brakeless bicycle with no foot retention stop?

--"Foot retention=pretention. I just do a footjam if things get hairy."
--He jams his ukulele in the spokes.
--He busts a "Jamaican skid."
--"I don't think about starting or stopping, I just do."

***Special extra credit essay question***

There are no wrong answers here and participation is optional. Credit will be given based on persuasiveness and style of argument.


This Pinarello was spotted by a reader in Tokyo. Bicycles and the manner in which they are locked can say a great deal about both their owners and the cultures in which they are found. Does this particular example speak of a culture of trust, or is the owner simply an idiot?

Adversity: When the Going Gets Tough, the Smart Get Naked

Although both the books I reviewed yesterday are nice to look at, I must say that both of them lack gripping narratives. Sure, looking at pictures and reading descriptions of those pictures is both fun and informative, but sometimes you need a good old-fashioned ripping yarn in which to lose yourself. I'm talking about the kind of book you pick up in the bathroom and before you know it you've missed two days of work. Well, this article, forwarded to me by a reader, could very well be the basis for just such a book (and, in turn, a blockbuster movie) if some shrewd publisher or studio is paying attention:


When I first saw the headline, I immediately thought it was Andy from Fyxomatosis, but it actually turned out to be a guy called Yair Kellner. By the way, the Brisbane Times sure has a knack for attention-grabbing headlines. No sooner did I start reading about the naked Aussie than I was almost diverted by this:



However, I had no time for equine tales of testiclular mastication, and continued reading about Mr. Kellner. It turns out he was competing in the Iditarod Trail Invitational, which is one of those ridiculous endurance races in Alaska. Kellner was riding his Pugsley or whatever other kind of hipster bike those guys use when he fell into a frigid creek. At this point, soaking wet and freezing, he got naked. By the way, a good rule of thumb as you go through life is to always get naked in the event of an emergency. I do it even if I'm not involved in the emergency myself. For example, when that plane landed in the Hudson back in January, the first thing I did was take off my pants. I'm not saying it helped, but it certainly didn't hurt, and it's a good habit to get into just in case.

Anyway, the next day he made some crampons out of his pedals and climbed a hill. I'm not sure he had to climb the hill, but when you're in a life-threatening situation it's always a good idea to undertake an unecessarily dramatic task so that it will make good reading if you survive. Also, the article doesn't specify, but I'm assuming he was still naked. Even smarter, Kellner left a trail of orange Gatorade wherever he went. This serves two important purposes: 1) it helps the rescuers find you; and 2) it provides an excellent product placement opportunity for the movie. He also rationed his cheese and energy bars (the article doesn't specify the brand of energy bar, presumably because product placement negotiations are still in progress), holed up in a cave he built out of snow (I assume he used some of his cheese for mortar), and made signals for planes out of his bike's reflectors--which just goes to show that dorkiness can in fact save your life. I'm a little unclear on the timeline, but I think the whole ordeal lasted three days. At any rate, he got rescued and he's doing just fine.

So let's recap. If you ever find yourself in a life-threatening, person-against-nature ordeal with dramatic literary and theatrical potential, do the following:

1) Get naked;
2) Undertake a task such as climbing a mountain, digging a tunnel, or descending into a live volcano;
3) Maximize branding opportunities by incorporating popular products into your struggle to survive.

This should not only get you through unscathed, but also build additional financial value into the experience.

By the way, Kellner wasn't the only person to have a tough time at the ITI. Jill Homer, author of the Up In Alaska blog, got frostbite on her toes. (Click here if you want to see frostbitten toes. Click here if you want to see puppies instead.) Now, I'd hate to make assumptions about an event in which I did not participate, but I have to say it sounds like the ITI totally and completely sucks.

I also have to say that, while I respect both Yair Kellner and Jill Homer for their extreme hardiness, I also think they're a dangerous influence. They're skewering people's perception of cold. It's bad enough you can't complain about the cold in New York without hearing from this guy in Minnesota. Now you can't complain about it because you didn't lose a toe or build a snow cave on the way into work. But that's not right. Just because someplace is colder doesn't mean it's not cold here too. Similarly, just because this thing exists doesn't mean I can't say this bike is ridiculous too. We must maintain some standard of sanity!

Speaking of both getting naked and of fixed-gears, I have to say I was puzzled by this bike:




Before it was stripped, this particular Langster had a special themed paintjob. Why then would you go out of your way to purchase a bicycle with a special themed paintjob only to strip all the paint? I suppose it's possible it was a gift. Either that, or maybe the bike heard there was a fire somewhere and so it decided to immediately shed its paint and get naked.

Fortunately though, when it comes to purchasing a colorful fixed-gear you have more choices than ever before. Some dubious outfit called Republic Bike now allows you to not only to purchase a fixed-gear bicycle online for $344, but also to pick all the revolting colors yourself. Here's the "colorway" I chose:



If you're wondering why the bike's so cheap, it's because it's, well, made out of really cheap stuff:



Hi ten? High five! And once I get my dubious copy of a real bike, I will submit it to a dubious copy of a real site--I'm of course talking about my favorite fake Fixedgeargallery site, Thefixedgeargallery:





I've mentioned Thefixedgeargallery before, but they've really stepped up their game. They even have dubious movies now! I particularly enjoyed this one, mostly because of the music:



In fact, after I finished watching it, YouTube recommended another dubious video I enjoyed even more. In a way, it was strangely reminiscent of the Yair Kellner ordeal, since it also involved a gripping narrative about a person whose ride takes an unexpected detour which involves getting naked (don't worry, the video is relatively safe for work):


Not only does the film tell a great story, but it's also informative. Mandy is rocking an unusual outfit, which she explains she custom-fabricated in order to keep cool during rides:

That's right, you're looking at the world's first pair of modular crotchless cycling shorts. Forget marketing--this is the kind of grass-roots innovation that's ultimately going to move this industry forward.

That and getting naked.

BSNYC Product Review: Bicycle Book Shootout!

Further to yesterday's post, part of the reason the TRAkTION video was rejected by the "fixed-gear community" was that this guy had the audacity to talk about what kind of equipment he's rubbing. Certainly, nobody wants to hear some "newbie" prattling on about his equipment--there are already Cat 4 roadie blogs for that. No, fixed-gear riders must learn to reside in a vacuum of coolness and inscrutability. However, if you try really hard, eventually you can attain "Fixed-Gear Gnosis," at which point you can wear a scarf and make profound statements about bicycles:




"I feel totally different when I ride an aluminum bike...I feel like a robot...There's always like a jagged edge, or like a sharp edge and stuff.

"If you can imagine like a trick being like a circle or a square...you know, riding an aluminum track bike is more like doing tricks and producing a square feel or something like that and then the steel one would draw a circle. Steel is real. "

I agree that steel is real, though foolishly I thought aluminum was also real until I heard this. I rub an aluminum bike sometimes, so I was interested to learn that it not only is imaginary but also produces "a square feel," since it always seemed to be as circular as any other bike I rub. I wonder what shapes the other materials make. My guess is carbon fiber (also known as "crabon fribé") produces a triquetra, and titanium makes a rhombus. Anyway, at least his analysis would explain why every time I get off my aluminum bike I do this.

Speaking of steel's intrinsically circular reality, I was very fortunate to receive a book from Rizzoli publishers recently called "The Golden Age of Handbuilt Bicycles":


While this book has been previously available, it appears that Rizzoli are bringing out a new edition. Also, as it happens, not too long ago I was also extremely lucky to receive a copy of the "COG Magazine Photo Annual":




While I generally feel conflicted about reviewing products, I don't feel conflicted about reviewing books. There's just something so earnest about them, especially now that you can read stuff and look at pictures in so many other ways that don't require paper (or even money). In a way, books have become little shivering chihuahuas caught in a blizzard of new media, and that makes me feel sorry for them. So I figured the least I could do was pit these two books books against each-other in a no-holds-barred product shootout. Here they are, side by side:



Both books feature similar construction. They have a spine and covers between which are pages, and they both pass on modern materials like carbon fiber in favor of the more traditional paper. However, there are two crucial differences. Firstly, TGAOHB has a removable "dust jacket," which is kind of like a top tube pad for books, whereas TCMPA uses an "integrated" cover which is non-removable and non-serviceable. Secondly, TGAOHB is taller than it is wide, and TCMPA is wider than it is tall. However, paradoxically, both of them are nearly the same size, as you can see from this photo of TCMPA humping TGAOHB:



If you're wondering how big these books actually are, the Rizzoli site does include geometry, but unless you're a trained book technician those numbers aren't going to make any sense to you. (They certainly don't to me). And until humankind agrees on some sort of universal standard for measurement, the best I can do is tell you that they are slightly larger than a "Mega Brows" disguise kit:


As I mentioned, there are many other ways to read words and look at pictures nowadays. However, there's one place the book still rules supreme, and that's in the restroom. It's hard to drop a book in the toilet, but even the most dedicated member of "iPhone culture" (or "urine culture") knows that his or her limited edition Fragment Design Hiroshi Fujiwara x Incase Slider Case is not going to protect a handheld device from an unexpected plunge. So I performed a "restroom test."

I'm not going to go into a lot of unnecessary detail regarding this test, but I will say that both books performed admirably and sat comfortably on the lap. However, TCMPA did nip TGAOHB at the line. This was due to TCMPA's wider layout, which was decidedly more lap-friendly, as well as its lighter weight. At first, I was puzzled as to why TGAOHB was so much heavier, but once the "restroom test" was over I inspected both books more closely:



As you can see, TGAOHB is considerably thicker than TCMPA. In fact, it's almost as thick as TCMPA plus a DVD of "Strange Brew." However, this alone should not sway you towards TCMPA. Keep in mind that, when it comes to books, added weight also comes with more content. And more content is sometimes a good thing. Simply put, it all comes down to what's more important to you. If you want a lightweight book that's highly "flickable" and can handle the most technical bathroom course, the edge goes to TCMPA. However, if you want something that's slightly overbuilt and you value longer, slower reads over more competitive ones, you'll almost certainly be happier with TGAOHB.

So what of that content? Well, both books consist of a very different "content layup":


Note that TCMPA (top) has pictures that cover the entire page, and almost no words, which makes for a fast read and complements its race-oriented bathroom geometry. On the other hand, TGAOHB uses pictures in conjunction with words, and also includes white space that makes for a smoother read and all-day comfort. Really, TGAOHB is more at home on the couch than in the bathroom. (Please disregard the citrus fruit--I had to stop juggling in order to take the photo.)

Also, the bicycles that are pictured in the books are quite different as well. TCMPA features mainly (but not exclusively) fixed-gear bicycles, though it shows them being used in a variety of ways, such as in alleycats, in keirin races, for freestyle, for polo, and so forth. TGAOHB on the other hand depicts geared bicycles. Incidentally, many of the "words" contained in TGAOHB are very interesting, as is the technology that many of these old bikes employ. The old gear-changing systems are particularly fascinating. Basically, TCMPA illustrates the absurd length riders go through not to shift, whereas TGAOHB illustrates the absurd lengths people once went through in order to be able to shift.

Of course, when it comes to books with pictures one of the most important factors is coffee table appeal. Well, either will look great on yours. It all comes down to who your guests are and what kind of table you have. If your guests wear Vans and tattoos and show up on fixed-gears, and your coffee table generally has canned beer, stale Fritos, and a bong on it (or you use an upside-down box in lieu of a coffee table) you'll probably prefer TCMPA. However, if you not only own a coffee table, but it also has a story behind it, and if your friends show up on lugged bikes that also have stories behind them, and they bring wine, cheese, and grapes in their handlebar bags and tell even more boring stories, you should probably go with the TGAOHB.

But both made me feel like I was drawing a circle, and neither made me feel like a robot. Paper is real.

Last Call for Identities: Fixed-Gear Culture No Longer Accepting New Members

Yesterday, a number of readers forwarded me the following mass email:

Hey guys!

We are casting for a television documentary series about bicycle messengers. It's for a popular youth oriented cable network (we cannot disclose this information at this time, but PROMISE you know the network).

We are searching for the fastest, smartest, coolest, and funniest bicycle messengers in NYC (but other cities are welcome as well) who are 25 years old or younger. We're looking for ALL types of messengers, but especially those who are deep into messenger culture. This is a paid gig if you're chosen. Hell, it's paid even if you're not chosen — we're giving $25 in cash if you come down and do a 15 minute interview on either Friday, March 13th or Saturday, March 14th in Tompkins Sq. Park.

If you are from outside NYC we will arrange transportation for you.

So, if you are a bike messenger (who is 25 years old or younger and can prove it) and are interested in being involved in this project please send us a picture of yourself and a phone number and we'll schedule a time for you to do a quick and fun interview.

Compensation: $25 for a 15 minute interview. More to come if you are selected for the project.

Best,

Courtney Sommers
631. [deleted]

Courtney is obviously casting a wide net, because there's a Craigslist ad as well. She is certainly not the first television producer to be seduced by the outlaw appeal of the bike messenger, nor will she be the last. And whether or not this production actually comes to fruition and we all get to laugh at the finished product, I'm sure plenty of willing people will show up to audition.

After all, each and every one of us is a celebrity, right? All we need is a camera pointed at us and the rest will follow. Many of us even have our own endorsement deals as well--we love nothing more than to cover ourselves with logos and flaunt our purchases. Sure, our endorsement deals aren't all that great--we don't get paid and we have to pay full retail for the product--but certainly these deals will be restructured in our favor as soon as someone decides to train a camera (or some other form of media attention) on us and the inevitable fame follows.

Of course, if you're a celebrity you need an identity, right? Fortunately, our popular culture is deep and rich, and there are plenty of pre-owned identities and ideas to appropriate. After all, popular culture is a renewable resource. The fun never stops, right? To reassure myself of this comforting fact, I checked in over at Trackasaurus Rex, where I watched a little promotional video for "Feetbelts":



The video immediately makes it clear who the target market is.



It also makes it clear that the people who make Feetbelts are part of the target market.




And, most importantly, it shows the Feetbelts in action.

You may be thinking you've seen Feetbelts before, and of course you have:




But that wasn't the only thing that was familiar about the Feetbelts video. Even the music sounded like something I'd heard before. So I pulled a candlestick off my mantlepiece, which caused the entire fireplace to move aside and reveal the secret cave in my home I like to call the "Pit of Embarrassment." We all have old outfits, writings, photographs, albums and so forth of which we're now duly ashamed yet cannot bring ourselves to throw out, and the "Pit of Embarrassment" is where I keep mine. Anyway, I went to the music section of the Pit and found this:



I was pretty sure the music from the Feetbelts video was almost identical to something on this old CD. So I checked the track list:



I then blew the dust off the jewel case and played the CD. Sure enough, the intro to the song in the Feetbelts video was almost identical to the intro on the very first song on the CD:




By the way, this CD is what in the olden days was called a "sampler." Basically, record labels would make what was essentially a "mix tape" in order to promote their bands. And if you wanted to reach one of the bands, you had to "write" them a "letter":



It all seems so ridiculous now. I mean, some of those countries don't even exist anymore!

Anyway, I wondered if it was a coincidence that Feetbelts was using a recycled song to sell a recycled idea. Granted, Cathedral themselves were just a recycled version of Black Sabbath, but there's a difference between stylistic similarity and lawsuit similarity. And granted, Powergrips themselves are just a simplified take on the toe clip, and Feetbelts probably fulfill a need for fixed-gear riders that Powergrips do not.

I decided to simply take this as yet another sign that pop cultural currency is not only still trading briskly, but is also still completely unregulated. That is, until I headed over to Prolly's site.

When I visit Prolly's site, I expect to see plenty of unregulated pop cultural appropriation. Moreover, I also expect the tone to be upbeat, since Prolly (to his credit) tends to keep things positive rather than traffic in sarcasm and cynicism like I do. I know if Prolly does speak negatively about something he must be really irritated by it. So I was surprised to see what appeared to be yet another run-of-the-mill fixed-gear video called "TRAkTION," followed by these words from Prolly:


You serious? Poseurs? Wrong choice of words. Classic example of the narcissism of small differences... Why be negative in a film project? Especially when you're a new jack yourself. Shame. Have at it kiddies.

Whoa, if Prolly was upset enough by this video to sic his readers on it, the video must be very negative indeed! And "have at it" the "kiddies" did, as there were many angry comments on the post as well. In fact, TRAkTION made people so angry that the filmmaker redacted the video:




TRAkTION Aftermath

For those of you that regularly read the blog you’ll know that Saturday I posted the trailer for my new video, TRAkTION. Never in my wildest dreams would I anticipate the attention the video has gotten since I put it up. In the last 24-hours, I’ve managed to offend the fixed gear community and for that, I’m sorry. My intent was create an investigative video on a culture I’ve witnessed grow over the past few years. I’m new to the scene and should make it very clear that I’m a filmmaker, not a rider, so my approach was to make a video about the exploration of a culture that is unfamiliar to most, including myself. I decided to take the video down from the internet out of respect for Eric and LBFG, it was never my intent to bring bad press to their shop. I’ll be reediting the trailer within the next day or so and I still plan to complete this project. For those who have supported it, thank you. For those who hated it, I can only impact those opinions with the final product.

It's unfortunate that the video's been removed so you can't experience it for yourself, but I did see it before it got yanked so I can summarize it for you:



First, this guy with the mustache talks about how he's been riding a fixed-gear for four years and that he's running a bike shop.




Then, this guy talks about how he's been riding a fixed-gear for seven months.



Then he displays his skillz.




Then this person says he rides a fixed-gear because he loves to ride his bike, and he wishes the "poseurs" would stay away.



There are also clips of people riding their fixed-gears, occasionally with goofy hand positions.

That is all.

The internet is dripping with videos of people on fixed-gears doing tricks. So why did people get so upset over this one, which is really no different from any of the others? Well, the filmmaker made a big mistake. As you can tell from his apology, he thought there was a "fixed gear community," which of course there isn't.

See, there was never a "community." There was just a fixed-gear cultural gold rush. The bikes got popular, and as people discovered them they created identities for themselves. They made videos of themselves. There were tons of cool cultural images from the past just lying around unused--old death metal logos, old punk logos, old cycling product logos, old cyclists. All you had to do was put those logos on t-shirts in various configurations. "Awesome, it's a t-shirt with Eddy Merckx doing a skid on a fixie with an Aerospoke, with the World Champion stripes in the background and my new clothing company's brand name in the same lettering as the Celtic Frost logo!" Sure, go ahead and use an anarchist collective to promote yourself. Go ahead, sell Major Taylor as a flat brim cap. It's perfectly fine. After all, we're creating a "scene."

If you're the filmmaker, you're probably asking, "So what happened? When did this end? Where's my piece of the pie?" Well, conveniently it seems to have ended as soon as you came along. You may have been hearing a lot about how bad the economy is lately. Well, it looks like that's finally affecting the pop cultural economy too. Sure, it was completely unregulated before, and if you wanted to be an arbiter of fixed-gear culture you didn't need anyone's approval. But now there's less money around, and more people selling reappropriated logos and ideas means less return for the people who were there "first." So the fixed-gear "culture" is regulating itself. They're raising the gang plank. There's no more room on the boat. You're too late.

So what you can do the same goofy tricks as these other guys after only half a year? You haven't been riding long enough to make a video. Here's a diagram just in case you don't get it:

Acceptable/Unacceptable

A newbie like you probably thinks these two riders are doing the exact same thing. Well, they are. But there's a crucial difference. The rider on the left is in Macaframa, so he's been "grandfathered in." The rider on the right missed the boat.

Yes, I know it's unfair. I know there was a time when people who had only been riding for a short time could form teams and promote streetwear with recycled album art on it. But you don't get that privilege. You only get to buy the products they now design. And you don't get to make movies. You only get to wear the clothing designed by the people who made the movies by which you were inspired.

As for the "fixed gear culture," I'd like to personally welcome you to the high ground. Just breathe in that air! Nice and rarified, isn't it?

Intimidation: Betraying Looks, Expressive Calves

Celebrities often have stylists who shop for them and dress them. As image-makers, they never know when a camera will find them, so they must look good at all times. Unfortunately, though, celebrities do not hire bicycle stylists, because if they did Jake Gyllenhaal would not be rocking a pie plate on his Madone:




Gyllenhaal is also wearing a Ralpha Classic Sportwool jersey. According to their website, "a good jersey is an indispensable workhorse, performing multiple roles; protecting from the elements, carrying important cargos (from tools and valuables to food), regulating body temperature for maximum performance on the bike." Wow, who knew! They also cover your chest and nipples, the description fails to add. So it's nice to see that Gyllenhaal is using both an indispensable workhorse and a disposable dork disc (or "nerd rotor"). It also picks up the sun nicely, as does his leg hair.

Anyway, brokeback pie plate aside, it's good to see Gyllenhaal out riding on what appears to be a lovely day. He does appear to be eyeing something in the distance with considerable concern though. Could it be an oncoming vehicle? I don't think so. No, any true cyclist knows what that look means. It's a look of fear. Even Gyllenhaal's Oakleys cannot mask the fact that Gyllenhaal has spotted another rider who is clearly his superior in every way: stronger; faster; better-equipped. He's so intimidated that he's probably about to wet his Rapha shorts. And there's only one rider who can inspire that sort of fear. The Lone Wolf.

I happen to know that the Lone Wolf was on the prowl in the Los Angeles area recently, because a reader managed to get some photographs of him in flight:


Gyllenhaal may be a talented actor who can convincingly play a bubble boy, but even he can't keep his face from betraying his true feelings when he encounters cycling greatness:



And this is clearly no casual jaunt for the Lone Wolf, either. He has no less than six bottles of water in his Profile bottle holders, with a seventh in his jersey pocket for good measure. Dehydration shall not find the Lone Wolf. He also doesn't need to be swaddled in Rapha like some sort of simpering manchild. His own jersey carries his "important cargos" just fine--including the most important "cargos" of all, his Discman. He's also left the Lance Armstrong-autographed singlespeed Lotus time trial bike back at the lair, opting instead for a mountain bike complete with wheel cover, kickstand, and front fairing.

And while Gyllenhaal fears the Lone Wolf, pro cyclist- turned-celebrity-turned celebrity pro cyclist Lance Armstrong fears the Lone Wolf's sworn enemy and arch-rival Bart Kaufman, owner of the World's Greatest Madone:



Armstrong fears him so much that he's even attempting to "bite" Kaufman's flat-bar style:



Armstrong's even copied Kaufman's saddle choice, but the lack of carbon tubular wheels, foot retention, and a rack is glaringly obvious. I'm sure Kaufman's unconcerned, since all he'll be seeing of Armstrong is a quick glimpse of him in his dual rear-views.

Speaking of intimidation, there are few things more intimidating than rapping. So when a street-credulous hip-hop artist combines both cycling and rapping, you can bet the results are downright horrifying. Check out this "joint" by Canadian rapper Abdominal (né Andy Bernstein) which was forwarded to me by a reader:




Abdominal's "Pedal Pusher" even includes the lyric "slip on the Discman," which is an obvious "shout out" to the Lone Wolf. Moreover, Abdominal proves that he too does things his own way, since the yellow sticker on his front chainring can only mean that A-dom is a Shimano Biopace fan:



This will ensure that his pedal stroke is as smooth and effective as his rhymes. Still, Biopace isn't exactly dripping with "street cred," so one wonders if Abdominal is rubbing any tattoos in order to make up for it. It seems that tattoo trends have been changing, too. Sure, knuckle tattoos are still hot, as are tattoos that serve as references. Here's another such tattoo, which presumably helps the wearer remember that his lockring is reverse-threaded:



Lefty-tighty, righty-loosey, totally dorky.

But even the most dedicated knuckle tattoo fans have to admit that sometimes you can't reduce each and every sentiment to eight letters. That's why the latest tattoo fashion is to use the lower part of the leg instead:





Whereas with knuckle tattoos you sometimes find you need to drop letters, when using the lower leg you actually havee the luxury of adding letters for emphasis--note the inclusion of the extra "E."

But brevity can extend to the lower leg too. Here's another set of leg tattoos, forwarded by a reader, that would actually fit on the knuckles with a digit to spare:




Personally, I think it could use a few more "U"s.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Well, I'm very excited to report that I've heard back from Aurumania, makers of the Gold Bike Crystal Edition, with regard to my order:





Dear sender,
Thank you very much for your order request on the Gold bike crystal edition. Pls. confirm your request be returning this email.
We will hereafter inform you about the further order process.

Thank you.

Frankly, I was disappointed at being addressed as "sender" when making a transaction at this level, and would have expected more personalized (and fawning) service. Still, my desire to own the Gold Bike Crystal Edition grows stronger with each day, so despite my irritation I dictated the following reply to my helper monkey, Vito:



Dear Bo,

Thank you for your speedy reply. Yes, I am very interested in the Gold Bike Crystal Edition.

As the author of a widely-read cycling blog, I have considerable experience with exotic theme bikes and recently reviewed the Scattante Empire State Courier from luxury retailer Performance. Though I'm very selective about which products I review, I would be willing to test the Gold Bike Crystal Edition because, like the Scattante, I feel it is truly something special.

I will evaluate the White Glove Service experience as well as the appearance, craftsmanship, and ride quality of the bicycle itself. As a bicycle commuter, I'm also particularly interested in using the Gold Bike Crystal Edition in this capacity and seeing how the gold finish and Swarovski crystals withstand the rigors of inclement weather, frequent locking, etc. Another possibility would be to test the Gold Bike Crystal Edition alongside a silver bike and a bronze bike in a "Precious Metal Bike Shootout." In either case, I have no doubt that if the bicycle is half as beautiful as it appears on your website my favorable review will be worth its weight in gold to your company!

Please confirm your interest and we can work out the details. I look forward to receiving your reply, and I'm happy to answer any questions you may have.

All best,

--BSNYC

I'm confident that this should do the trick. But just in case it doesn't, I have both a "plan B" and a "plan C." Plan B came to me when I stumbled upon this ad:




WTB Surly Long Haul Trucker LHT - $1000000 (anywhere)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-05, 1:28PM EST

im looking for either a 60 or 62cm Surly LHT complete or frame and fork. Condition isnt much of an issue. Willing to pay cash or trade or both. I have some fixxed gear stuff... call 413 210 [deleted] or email me.

This is nothing less than a godsend! This person is willing to pay one million dollars for a Surly Long Haul Trucker! A quick visit to a popular search engine reveals that you can buy a brand new, complete LHT for like $1,000. So all I need to do is buy the LHT and sell it to this guy. For a relatively small $1,000 investment I'll make a net profit of $999,000! So even if I'm forced to actually pay for the Gold Bike Crystal Edition I'll still wind up with $899,000. And that means just one thing: major upgrades.

Plan C is a little more speculative, but I still think there's potential:




This is an Investment Opportunity for Cyclists - $5000 (Greenwich)
Reply to: sale-1055323337@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-03-01, 10:21AM EST

I'm starting a business in the cycling industry and am seeking help from my fellow cyclists first before heading to the bank for a loan.

As an investor, you will: earn a return on your investment, receive cash bonuses when we reach sales goals, and of course be able to make purchases at wholesale cost for life! The discount alone will pay off your investment if you are a very avid cyclist.

If you are interested reply to this posting. I will give you the details, then forward the Business plan and terms sheet.

Thanks a ton,

I look forward to hearing from you!

I contacted this person awhile back but haven't received a reply. Still, I'm quite sure he's legit, and the possibility that this is some kind of cycling Ponzi scheme never entered my mind. I've even included his contact information in case you'd like to get involved as well. I was thinking that when the dollars start rolling in I'd get myself a Vanilla. However, that seems a little pedestrian. Instead, I think I'll just pay Sacha White himself to carry me around on his shoulders. Why drink bottled water when you can just dunk your head in the spring itself?

In the meantime, I figure I'll pester you with a quiz. As usual, study the item, contemplate the question, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll not only see the item but you'll also feel good about yourself. If you're wrong, you'll see this guy teach you how to play a Slayer song.

Ride safe this weekend, and whatever you run/rock/rub/roll/slay, run/rock/rub/roll/slay it well.

--BSNYC/RTMS



1) This bike belongs to which professional cyclist?

--Barry Wicks
--Ryan Trebon
--Taylor Phinney
--Francesco Mancebo



2) What's not a crime?

--Skateboarding
--Riding brakeless
--Braking rideless
--Rocking a p-far



3) Where was this photo taken?

--Stockholm, Sweden
--Oslo, Norway
--Park Slope, Brooklyn
--Equatorial Guinea


4) In which US state was this massive carcake spotted?

--New York
--Pennsylvania
--Indiana
--California

5) Where can you purchase this Schwinn Varsity conversion complete with stem-mounted shifters set up as brake levers?

--Indianapolis, IN
--Portland, OR
--Portland, ME
--Brooklyn, NY



6) Fill in the blank:

"Our goal is to make a significant contribution to the equipment and culture of urban cycling. This is not a cash in, this is not a fad, this our life, our love, our community and our dream. We are a company of riders making products for other riders. We share a lifelong passion for the machines, the people who ride them, and the positive changes both can effect in this world.

Long live track bikes, long live single speeds, long live bicycle culture, long live _______."


--All-City
--Milwaukee Bicycle Co.
--Mission Bicycle
--Soma Fabrications



7) Where can you buy this tall bike, and for how much?

--Nowhere and for no price. Outlaw bike culture is not for sale.
--Portland, OR Craigslist, $75
--Affinity Cycles in Brooklyn, NY, $650
--Sotheby's auction house, $24,000



8) What's wrong with this locking job?

--When locking your bicycle by its cable housing, always use a u-lock
--The owner only passed the lock through one of the cables instead of all three
--That sweet front reflector is completely unsecured
--All of the above

***Special delusional roadie bonus training question!***

You're an amateur bike racer setting up your new power meter. According to coach Frank Overton, which of the following is not a place he recommends going for a 20-minute field test to "determine your power at threshold"?

--Boulder Colorado: Flagstaff Road
--Tuscany: the Monte Serra
--San Diego: Mt. Palomar
--Arizona: Mt. Lemmon
--Your local climb

Gold Standard: Cutting to the Chase

Thanks to a reader tipoff, I recently found myself visiting the Aurumania website and checking out their flagship fixed-gear, the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition":



I don't know what kind of components the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition" has, and the website wasn't any help. However, it does have some elegant design features, such as the company's logo spelled out in Braille with Swarovski crystals on the "crossbar":



I often get up before dawn to ride my bicycle, and when I do I'm reluctant to turn on the lights because my helper monkey, Vito, gets very irritable if I wake him up before 10:30am. (Trust me, the last thing you want to deal with is an irritable helper monkey.) For this reason, the Braille logo is an attractive touch--that way, if I want to ride my "Gold Bike Crystal Edition", all I need to do is feel it out. This is a nice enough feature that I'd even be willing to pay extra for it. So I checked out the price of the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition," and learned that it costs €80,000.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "That's ridiculous!" Well, I disagree. First of all, there are only ten of these--ten!--which means you'll be one in only 676,462,532.2 people in the world to own one. (And with more humans constantly being born even as I type this, your club gets more exclusive every day.) Second of all, the Euro/Dollar exchange rate is much more friendly to Americans these days, so the bike's a relative bargain at just over $100,000. Also, it has a "ten-year, no questions guarantee" (so if you get wasted on vintage Dom Perignon and crash it into your Giacometti while fixed-gear freestyling in your sculpture garden you don't have to use the old "just riding along" excuse) and it "will be delivered to you anywhere in the world via White Glove Service," which is a hell of a lot more than you can say about a Scattante.

Still, though, you're probably not convinced. Not only is this clearly just a gold-plated SE Premium Ale with the brakes removed, but it's also completely ridiculous to spend this much for any bicycle. Only a complete idiot would possibly even contemplate buying such a thing. Well, maybe, but I really don't think the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition" is all that ridiculous, especially in the context of cycling as it is today. In fact, it's a relative bargain.

After all, when we upgrade our frames and components, what are we really paying for? We're paying for different colors and different names. Take the fixed-gear rider who purchases a $480 Mercier Kilo TT Pro from Bikesdirect:


Well, any "hardcore" cyclist can see that this bike needs some upgrades. First of all, you need some decent pedals, clips, and straps to use with your tattered sneakers. That's at least $50.

Also, that headset's probably got loose bearings. Sure, it might be serviceable, and in theory it will last a long time, but if you're going to be riding around on the streets (without a fender) you really need something "bulletproof." The "experts" on the various bike forums will doubtless vouch for the cost-effectiveness of this upgrade. Plus, as a bonus, "bulletproof" headsets come in a wide range of colors, and you're already a little self-conscious about riding an out-of-the-box bike. So you upgrade the headset.

Cost: $120

Next, you'll start thinking about those wheels. They're machine-built, and if they haven't been touched up by hand they may be going out of true. A little forum research will probably reveal that those wheels are "crap," and that they should be upgraded. Makes sense--after all, they were right about the headset. So you do it, but you only have enough money for the rear right now. First you buy the more expensive, "bulletproof" cartridge bearing rear hub by which everybody swears, and which is obviously way, way better than your current cartridge bearing rear hub:

Cost: $170

Of course, you're not going to put your cheap cog on that hub. Plus, the threading of the "bulletproof" hub is different anyway. So you get a cog and lockring both compatible with and worthy of your "bulletproof" rear hub:

Cost: $80

And it goes without saying you're not going to put that cheap rim on that hub. You're going to get something "bulletproof," and which, as a bonus, is available in colors that match your "bulletproof" headset:

Cost: $65

By the time you've got your spokes and nipples and someone to build it for you figure you've spend around $400. Or $450, since you're going to upgrade your tires too, and there are some cool ones that come in white.

Now that you're ripping around town on your increasingly "bulletproof" bicycle (total cost of bike to date: $1,100) you're starting to realize that drop bars without brake hoods aren't especially comfortable. You're also not going to go "flop and chop" on an increasingly color-coordinated and "bulletproof" bicycle. No, you're thinking you might want to go with some flat bars or risers. Since your "whip" is growing increasingly "tight," you figure you'll spend a little extra on something with some flair--and which, happily, is available in a variety of colors to match your increasingly color-coordinated bicycle. And $65 isn't that much to spend on a bar, is it? Crabon bars are way more expensive. This will not only require new bars, but also a new stem, since you've got to dial in your reach. And of course inexpensive aluminum stems fail all the time. You need something "bulletproof" that's "beautifully machined" and will complement your bars.

Cost (bar, stem, and grips): $130

Oh, and around this time you see an almost-new front mag-style wheel on Craigslist for only $200. Your front wheel has been holding up fine, but it doesn't really match your rear. And this wheel matches perfectly. Plus, you figure it's always good to have a spare front at home. Sold.

You've now crossed the fixie rubicon. Your whip is "tight" enough that you're becoming more involved in the "scene," and you're starting to get compliments. However, certain things are starting to bother you. You've got a sweet machined "bulletproof" stem but just a cheap aluminum seatpost. Sure, it's holding your seat in place just fine, but your stem's companion post is just so sexy. By this point you've realized you can't keep paying full retail at bike shops, so you're watching eBay constantly. Finally, you snag a practically new post with "minimal insertion marks" for $50. The money you've saved also justifies the purchase of a new seat, since the idea of clamping that cheap stock piece of foam on your sexy new post has secretly been driving you crazy. You manage to get a vintage used Italian saddle for only $45, as full of soul as it is of a stranger's ass sweat.

Cost (post, saddle, shipping): $100

Around this time, you find yourself shopping for a new chainring since you need to be able to change your gearing and sometimes you want to change chainrings instead of cogs. Chainrings are relatively inexpensive, so you don't feel guilty about it. But you start to realize that there aren't quite as many 1/8" chainring options for your 130bcd cranks as there are for 144bcd cranks. And anyway, you've got a pretty nice track bike now--shouldn't it run the track standard? Plus, a new crank is an investment in the future, since when you wear out your chainrings you'll have a much wider selection next time you go chainring shopping. Oh, and it has to match your "bulletproof" anodized componentry:

Cost: $300

By now the total cost of your Bikesdirect fixed-gear is $1,830. This figure does not include the money you've also spent on a bag, and on hats, and on clothing. And it's really bothering you--not because you've somehow quadrupled the price of your bicycle in three months, but because you've now got all this great "bulletproof" componentry on a "cheap" frame. At this point, if you just move all that stuff over wholesale to a "better" frame, you'll really have yourself a nice bike. A bike you can be proud of, and which will serve as a flag to the "scene" that you're on the premises when it's locked up outside the bar. So you spend $1,500 on a new steel frame and fork.

You've now spent $3,300 for a $480 bike. Sure, it's a different color now and it's got a different decal on the downtube, but philosophically speaking it's the same bike. Yet you don't realize this--until it gets stolen from the front of the bar because you locked it to a chainlink fence with your u-lock.

If you're lucky, you kept most of those old parts as well as your old frame and you can cobble a "new" bike together--which is actually your "old" bike, but which of course cost you $3,300. Or, if you're unlucky, you'll go through the whole process again and by the end of the year end up having spent $6,600. (You can't go back to "cheap" bikes now that you know what "quality" is.)

So really, "upgrading" isn't upgrading at all--it's inflation. It might take you years to spend $100,000 on a bicycle, but don't worry, you'll get there. Since you're really just buying looks and status anyway, so you might as well get it over with.

By the way, if you don't have access to $100,000, you can still get in on the Aurumania action, since they have a less expensive model that's only €2,000:



At roughly $2,500, it's still way cheaper than that Mercier, and the shock-and-awe tactic of putting a $100,000 bike at the top of the range makes the price go down that much easier. You'll even have money left to buy more clothes--though as you can see from the site you'll look better riding it naked with just an Afro:



No, I'm convinced that the "Gold Bike Crystal Edition" is the way to go. Actually, I'm so convinced that I placed an order:




I figure that by the time they get back to me (or to 1-800-LAWYERS, since that's the contact number I used) I'll have figured out how to get the money. Maybe a cycling publication will foot the bill so I can do a test. In any event, the order's in:




All I've got to do now is sit back and wait for my dream bike!

First thing I'm gonna do is change that headset...

Repentance: Back-Pedaling Under Duress

(Saddle-humping fixed-gear sex art with fascist overtones by Krzysztof)

Firstly, I long ago swore an oath that I would not let my personal non-cycling hobbies contaminate this blog. However, when you're a carcake-spotter and you see a formation like this you can't resist sharing it with the world:



Yes, the carcakes are often at their best two days after a snowfall, when the stragglers are just starting to dig their cars out and the snow has had a couple of nights to freeze. This car's got a neck curtain on the trunk, a nice-sized arctic ice shelf on the roof complete with widow's peak in the front, and even a snowhawk on the hood. It looks like a paparazzi shot of Antarctica just as it's stepping out of the salon.

Secondly, a number of people seemed to take offense at the fact that I took a few swipes at the NAHBS on Monday. This surprised me, and I'd like it to be known that I have nothing but respect for these master craftspeople and their handiwork. In an effort to make amends and as a gesture of goodwill, I've taken some inspiration from Barry Wicks and made the NAHBS a "mix tape." Check out the cover art:

It's short but I think they'll enjoy it. Here's what I put on it:

1) As an homage to the traditional framebuilder's material of choice, and as a symbol of the fact that it's in the midst of a resurgence--nay, a revolution!--the mix starts off with this.

2) But the NAHBS isn't all about steel. There's also titanium, and everybody knows that the ride quality of titanium is sublime to the point of being mystical. So, even though it might be a bit predictable, I went with this.

3) While there are custom framebuilders who work in aluminum, the true lug-slobberer knows that the ride of an aluminum bicycle is impossibly stiff, and that they fail catastrophically in weeks. This classic conveys both aluminum's jarring ride quality and short life.

4) Then I put this on, because it's the most beautiful song ever written and it makes me cry.

5) This one's a shout-out to Serotta.

6) Finally, NAHBS always features lots of singlespeeds and fixed-gears. So, as a tribute to the Zen quality of both, I finished the mix with that John Cage composition that's just four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence.

I hope they like it.

But while North America's custom framebuilders have not been idle, neither have the Forces of Evil. Readers from far and wide have been forwarding me signs which can only portend one thing: the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse.


In Skagit Valley, Washinton, one rider has come upon an infernal farm that is giving away alpacas. Not many people know that the "Book of Fixed-Gear Revelation" is actually encoded in Jobst Brandt's gripping classic, "The Bicycle Wheel." Using my Ovaltine secret decoder ring, I've extracted this text, and it warns that "in the fifth year of the exhibition of the bicycles wrought with hands, the Alpacas shall be freed, and they shall lay waste to the land." It then goes on in mind-numbing detail about stress-relieving and the evils of paired-spoke technology, but clearly free alpacas are a bad sign, and I have no doubt that they will turn on and devour their new owners.

No sooner had I received this information than another reader informed me of the existence of a fixed-gear recumbent:











As the "Book of Fixed-Gear Revelation" states, "To the decimated land shall come a rider who reclines while in motion. His feet shall come before him as like unto a breech birth. His helmet shall bear a mirror, but he shall coast not." Sounds like a fixedcumbent to me.

But perhaps most horrifying of all were these photos, forwarded to me by another reader:



It seems that a drought has forced these poor koalas to seek water from humans. I have absolutely no doubt that this drought has been caused by demon Alpacas who are already becoming a scourge upon the land. Notice how the koala gratefully hugs the merciful geared rider's leg:

If the sight of cuddly little koalas coming forth from the wilderness to seek human aid doesn't horrify you, then maybe this will: these photos were taken in Brooklyn.

Koalas aren't the only things suffering, either. The Fixed-Gear Apocalypse has also laid waste to at least one professional road racing team, and yet another reader informs me that the now-defunct Toyota-United Pro Cycling Team is selling off its equipment. This would appear to come as good news to former United rider Ivan "The Cuban Missile" Dominguez:


Until you realize that he's being forced to model bib shorts:


In the end, our only hope may be anti-fixed-gear vigilantes. The Alpaca-hastening, tight-averse, bumblebee bike-riding proprietor of 718 Cyclery has forwarded me this photo of a Pacific mountain bike equipped with a fire alarm and an extinguisher. My guess is the owner has equipped it this way because he is certain that Armageddon is at hand:


This bicycle also is very much in the spirit of the Finlandia bike:


It could be that, after the Apocalypse, low-end mountain bikes and cockroaches will be the only things to survive.

That and cheese.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Cakes and Cheese

While this guy and his Minnesotan ilk will scoff, we received significant snowfall yesterday here in New York. Nonetheless, I did commute by bicycle today. I did so not to prove my mettle (I readily admit I don't have much mettle) but simply to provide a public service to my fellow New Yorkers by bringing you the BSNYC Bridge Report (sponsored by Ragtote, makers of high quality tampon cases. I keep a patch kit in mine. Thanks Ragtote!) And I'm pleased to report that, to my complete surprise, the Manhattan Bridge is almost completely clear:


I'd watch for icing on the approaches later this evening, but otherwise things are looking good.

The other reason I commuted by bicycle was because this may be my last chance this winter to engage in one of my favorite hobbies, which is "carcake spotting." If you don't know what a carcake is (which you probably don't, because as far as I know I invented the term), it's a great big loaf of snow that sits atop a motor vehicle after a snowstorm which the driver was either unable or unwilling to clear. Most often you'll see them atop taller vehicles such as SUVs. Here's a good example of a classic carcake, which I spotted on my commute this morning:



This is a fine carcake. Not only does the cake itself have a pleasing symmetry, but there's also a secondary structure on the rear bumper which completely obscures the license plate and looks like a headless bird in flight. Once the car gets up to speed, it should be fun to watch it the carcake fly off the roof spectacularly and land squarely on the car (or cyclist) following it.

Carcakes can also resemble hairstyles. My favorite is the snow-hawk, which results when the driver makes a halfhearted attempt to clear the top of the car from either side of the vehicle, but cannot reach all the way across, thus resulting in a strip of snow down the middle of the roof that resembles a mohawk. Unfortunately, I didn't see one of those, but I did see a halfway decent wind-sculpted "high and tight":



And besides carcakes, I also got to see a messenger riding a Bilenky cargo bike:


I'm now confident I made the right decision to skip the NAHBS in Indianapolis, since it turns out I can experience cold and exotic bikes right here in my own backyard!

But while the messenger was obviously riding a Bilenky, he was not using a "bike messenger mirror," which you can purchase for only $15 on Craigslist:




Bike Messenger mirrors - $15 (Downtown)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-02, 2:56PM EST

Beer cap Bike messenger mirrors. Great for riding in traffic. May caps available or send me your favorite. attaches to your helmet, made from a beer cap and a bicycle spoke! $15 including shipping.

The helmet mirror is perhaps one of the dorkiest cycling accessories, second only to the reflective vest. But there's nothing wrong with safety, and you've got to respect the seller for trying to give the helmet mirror some "street cred" by renaming it and incorporating beer. Still, a helmet mirror is a helmet mirror no matter what it's made out of, just like a reflective vest is a reflective vest even if it's being worn by a model and has a skull and crossbones on it:


Expect to see pant cuff retainers made out of hot dipped galvanized chain soon.

Speaking of things that are custom made, followers of Lance Armstrong's Twitter may recall that he received a "super sweet mix tape" during the Tour of California:


Well, it turns out that this "tape" was mixed by none other than vertically-advantaged cyclocross sensation and VeloNews diarist Barry Wicks, who is the guy below with the severe tan lines riding in his underpants:


Not only that, but I was fortunate enough to receive from Wicks my own edition of his "super sweet mix tape."

By the way, Wikipedia has this to say about the cultural phenomenon that is the "mix tape":

A mixtape, which usually reflects the musical tastes of its compiler, can range from a casually selected list of favorite songs, to a conceptual mix of songs linked by a theme or mood, to a highly personal statement tailored to the tape's intended recipient. Essayist Geoffrey O'Brien has called the personal mixtape "the most widely practiced American art form",[1] and many mixtape enthusiasts believe that by carefully selecting and ordering the tracks in a mix, an artistic statement can be created that is greater than the sum of its individual songs, much as an album of pop music in the post-Beatles era can be considered as something more than a collection of singles.

Wow, and I thought it was just a bunch of songs! It turns out this is genuine American folk art. I guess it's not surprising I didn't know this, since I don't make "mix tapes" and instead practice my own unique forms of folk art. In addition to "carcake spotting," I'm also really into making "meals." This is a highly personal statement in which I create a conceptual mix of foods linked by a theme or mood. For me, it's not just enough to eat one single food at a time. Instead, I'll have soup and a sandwich, or pasta and a salad. Also, I believe that choosing a condiment is a form of self-expression, and in the context of sandwich eating I express my inner longings through judicious application or withholding of mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, and even barbecue sauce. Furthermore, a pizza is not just bread and cheese to me. Instead, it's a great tabula rasa, and when I order one I gather friends and family close and convey my feelings towards them through my choice of toppings. Extra cheese means that my heart overflows with tenderness and warmth; peppers means I'm feeling angry; and half onions, half olives means I'm feeling bitter about the past yet remain optimistic for peace in the future.

Anyway, in the context of "meals" I finally understood the power of the "mix tape," so I was excited to receive one. Wicks assured me I was getting the same mix Armstrong got, though I did get my own artwork:




Fresh indeed. Here are the toppings Wicks put on the musical pizza:



So I put the "tape" in my Discman, Velcroed it to my bicep, and listened.

Although I was skeptical, I must admit that this "mix tape" made me feel a personal connection to Wicks. I also felt one to Armstrong, who had listened to these very same songs in the very same sequence. More than this, many of the songs Wicks selected seemed to speak of an inner longing, and to simultaneously evoke a loss of innocence yet a nostalgia for it. The overwhelming sense I got was that, as the saying goes, "You can't go home again." I believe this is a feeling that many of us share and that motivates our endeavors. So much of what we do is simply a vain attempt to recapture a happiness that is really irretrievable, and the knowledge that this is just a part of the human condition is simultaneously sad and comforting. I'm confident that this is indeed what Wicks meant to express, since he reaffirmed it in a personal message to me:



I'm pretty sure the "this" Wicks is referring to is life itself, and it is indeed bittersweet. Either that, or he wants me to suck on the actual "mix tape", which I refuse to do for fear of choking.

But when it comes to folk art, the "mix tape" has a rival sitting right on its wheel, and that rival is of course the "fixed gear freestyle video." Like the "mix tape," the "fixed gear freestyle video" uses music to convey a theme or mood. But thanks to the miracle of video, it can be instructional as well. Consider this video, which not only shows off the rider's "skillz" but inadvertently gives a lesson in how to install a tire "fixter" style as well:

How To Install A Tire "Fixter" Style

Step 1:


With tire completely off the rim, place the tube inside of it.

Step 2:



Once you've got the tube inside the tire, push the tube and the tire onto the rim at the same time. (As you make your way around the wheel, make sure to mount both beads at once.)

Step 3:


Inflate the tube with a floor pump, making sure to hold the chuck onto the valve stem instead of using the thumb lock.

Step 4:



When re-installing the wheel rear, be sure to do so with the bike turned upside down.

Step 5:



You're done! Now bust mad wheelies on the sidewalk!!!

Like Wicks's "mix tape," this video filled me with longing, though it was simply the longing for a time when people know how to install a tire. Alas, you can't go home again...

Though you can keep your patch kit in a Ragtote!

Hand Luggage: Bike Builders and Lady-Killers

As you may know, this past weekend Indianapolis, IN hosted the 5th annual NAHBS (which of course stands for National Association of Ham Butchers' Soiree). For the fifth consecutive year, I failed to attend, since I don't really feel the need to spend time and money in order to slobber all over lugs. Honestly, I'm not much of a lug-slobberer anyway, and I don't really understand why people get so excited about them. Lug-slobberers are the same kinds of people who get excited about things like wine and furniture design and who spend $200 on architecture books.

But I'm sure if I did like to stand next to bikes, nod appreciatively, and make remarks such as, "My, what exquisite lugwork!" I'd have had a smashing time. I'm also sure my saliva glands would have been working overtime in the presence of something like this, which includes not only "exquisite lugwork," but also chrome, wood, leather, and rivets, which is enough to cause even the most finicky lug-slobberer to drown to death in his own drool:



Yes, it's the bike porn equivalent of PVC fetish clothing. But it wasn't all lugs at the NAHBS. There were also TIG welded bikes, and crabon bikes, and titanium bikes, and so forth. And of course no NAHBS would be complete without impossibly lavish "townie" bikes that cost more than your town:

I'm not sure who in 2009 has both money to buy such a bicycle and a job to ride it to, though I suppose it really doesn't matter since Sacha White's wait list is something like five years long. Who knows? Perhaps by 2014 we'll be living in a new age of prosperity. So if you're prone to the sort of optimism that borders on complete delusion, go ahead, queue up for a Vanilla. Don't worry about it getting stolen--crime will be a thing of the past in 2014. Also, the fenders will help keep you dry during all those pesky money storms, and the wide tires will offer a smooth ride and sure grip on roads of gold bullion.

But you don't have to wait until 2014 for a really expensive bicycle. Serotta, the company that makes dentists drool so heavily they need to fire up their saliva aspirators, also showed its dental dream bike, the MeiVici AE:


Ironically, by outdoing themselves once again, Serotta may have sown the seeds of their own undoing. At just a hair (or a strip of dental floss) below $8,500 for the frame, fork, and seatpost, even a dentist might think twice before buying one. Actually, a reader informs me that at least one dentist has gone so far as to take up the welding torch himself:


Chuck Sadilah's can-do attitude is an inspiration to dentists everywhere. By seizing the means of production, this one man may have taken the first crucial step in breaking Serotta's stranglehold on the dental industry. Perhaps we are on the verge of a new age of empowerment in which frame building is taught in dental schools. I only hope that Serotta's secret strike force doesn't reach him first. Their strongarm tactics are well-known in the world of cycling, and Sadilah wouldn't be the first dentist to leave for a "weekend for two...at one of the CTS training centers," never to be heard from again.

However, I'll admit I'd be less cynical about the NAHBS if I were actually in the market for a handmade bicycle. As it is, I must make do with my Ironic Orange Julius Bike, and my Perscattante, and various other pedestrian bicycles completely free of "exquisite lugwork." Yes, in these trying times, the only wait list many of us deal with when purchasing a frame is waiting for an auction to end on eBay. If you're one of these cyclists, take solace in the fact that things could be worse. You could actually be riding a bicycle that's been fished out of a canal in Amsterdam:

This picture was forwarded to me by a reader in Holland, and I suspect that many of these bicycles will wind up being sold for hundreds of dollars on Craigslist as "vintage Dutch commuter bikes." Even that bag would probably fetch a tidy sum, as it's fashionably pre-distressed, and nothing says "street cred" like the stench of canal water.

Really, when you think about it, buying a bike on Craigslist isn't much different from fishing it out of a canal anyway. Both endeavors are distasteful and unpleasant and leave you feeling slimy afterwards. However, there's a key difference between selling a bike on Craigslist and simply throwing it into a canal. The difference is that, due to the present popular obsession with fixed-gears and singlespeeds, you must specify whether the item you're selling is fixed-gear or singlespeed compatible, no matter how ill-suited to either use it may be:



1992 Bridgestone RB-2 Frame + Fork 62CM - $200 (Brooklyn Heights)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-23, 3:02PM EST

Up for sale is a 62CM 1992 Bridgestone RB-2 Frame + Fork. Great condition with minor scratches and wear. For more info on the bike and frame geometry, please see http://www.sheldonbrown.com/bridgestone/1992/1992.pdf.

If interested, I also have a Soulcraft Convert Single Speed Chain Tensioner, if you are interested in converting it to a single speed. It sells on JensonUSA.com for 91.00. I will include it for an extra $50. Please email me with any questions. Thanks!

It's a sad day indeed when you can't sell a perfectly serviceable road frame with vertical dropouts without making some kind of provision for singlespeed use. But you can't really blame the sellers. You can't hope to sell a frame anymore without potential buyers asking you if it's singlespeed or fixed-gear compatible, so you might as well just save everyone the trouble.

And as bad as the obligatory singlespeed/fixed-gear provision may be, it's nowhere near as bad as out-and-out racism and sexism:






White Male Bike - $300 (Mamaroneck)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-27, 1:22PM EST

Have a beautiful PEUGEOT white male bike for sale -

Ride well. Good for road and bike races. 34" high.

Have curved handlebars and locking piece for holding things in back.

Must arrange for pick-up. CASH ONLY!! NO Phone Calls.

Why should a crappy Peugeot with "curved handlebars" and a "locking piece for holding things in back" be reserved only for white males? Talk about being "excluded by the patriarchy of bike culture"! Every person should have an equal chance to purchase this exquisitely-lugged piece of French history, whether you're a white male or a Black Helmut:




You pedestrian, me biker, corner of 15th St. and 1st Ave Friday - w4m - 28 (Union Square)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-28, 8:41PM EST

Friday evening around 5:30PM I was riding my bike the wrong way (bad, yes, I know!) on East 15th street and stopped for you at the corner of 1st Avenue. You were with a friend walking up 1st Ave. You had a cute smile and I smiled back and said hi. I was on a folding bike, wearing a black trench coat and black helmut.

We've met Black Rob's older brother Black Phil on Craigslist before, so it's good to make the acquaintance of their transatlantic cousin, German hip-hop sensation Black Helmut, as well. Black Helmut is of course known for wearing a black trench coat. He also has gold teeth and a way with the ladies:



Messenger with the teeth of Gold - w4m - 26 (Midtown)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-27, 3:58PM EST

I was crossing the street when you nearly bumped into me with your 2 wheel wonder. It was at that point that you flashed your pearly... umm “golds?” and called me luscious. I cant stop thinking about that wonderful moment in time and keep on ordering bike messengers in the hope that you will be the one to deliver my bundle of joy... YOU!

If this is you, describe what I was wearing (hint: PETA hates me!) and lets make this work.

Only Black Helmut is possessed of the suave insouciance to turn a near-collision into a seduction by calling his victim "luscious." (Incidentally, the second-most oft-heard phrase at the NAHBS, after "exquisite lugwork," was "luscious welds.") I don't know Helmut personally, nor did I witness the collision, but if PETA hates her she was probably wearing something like this:

Sadly, things didn't go so well for this fellow, who attempted to seduce his quarry by not being able to afford to buy beer at a show:



ninja sonic concert last saterday... - m4w - 26
Reply to: pers-1056234040@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-03-01, 10:15PM EST

you were at the concert at the shank last sat, lost in the crowd, I was tall dark and handsome in a black tee shirt,, drinking pbrs out of my bag. I rode there on a yellow track bike. We never spoke, I wish I could have you on my arm at cheap hipster shows every weekend, to bad it's hard to talk when the music is so loud, were you looking for me too? Your pick gets mine...


Right--black t-shirt, drinking PBR, riding a track bike, at a show in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I'm sure he stood out like a lugged steel frame at the NAHBS. If he really wanted to reel in the ladies, he would have ridden this proud beast (forwarded by a reader):


There's nothing terribly original about track bikes, lugged or otherwise. So when it comes to getting noticed, Y-Foil around?