BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Before beginning this week's quiz, I must make two corrections in the name of responsible "journalism." Firstly, in yesterday's post, I stated that the Lotus rider spotted at the Tour of California was listening to motivational audio on his iPod. However, yet another reader who managed to get a shot of this great cyclist points out that it is quite clear from the bulge in his pocket (that's his rear jersey pocket) he actually opts for the Discman:

(The "lone wolf" smiles beatifically.)

I'm tremendously embarrassed by having made this mistake, since it's common knowledge that the Discman is the audio player of choice for the "lone wolf" cyclist. However, in my defense, I was thrown by the white headphones, as well as by the fact that the player wasn't in the traditional "lone wolf" location--that being secured to the bicep area with Velcro. Incidentally, a number of readers expressed curiosity regarding the setup of the Lotus. According to still another reader (!) who managed to get close to the man and his machine, he is in fact running/rocking/rubbing/rolling/slaying a freewheel, and the brakes are actuated by twisting the attachments at the ends of the aero extensions (sensuously, one would assume).

Secondly, in Wednesday's post, I mistakenly identified one of the celebrity participants in the World Naked Bike Ride:


A higher-resolution shot sent to me by "bkjimmy" reveals that the rider in the propeller beanie is in fact a certain professional golfer and not David Alan Grier:


Now, I'm not a golf fan, but I'm guessing it's either Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson. Also, you can see Joachim Phoenix in much greater detail--right down to the ersatz knuckle tattoos.

Moving on, it's now time for a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll know. If you're wrong--and I almost hesitate to do this, because it's so awful--you'll see "The Triathlon Song."

Thanks for reading, and ride safe--unless you're doing Monster Track, of course, in which case "Nobr Akes!"


--BSNYC/RTMS






1) Which phrase is not a part of the sales pitch for this Toons custom?

--"The pure freshness!"
--"...she will shread the street or track."
--"Hand-painted MKS Sylvans with hemp double straps not included."
--"For those who have the heart to stand alone."




2) Where was this baby spotted?

--The Tour of California, Solvang
--The Macaframa premiere in Sacramento, CA
--Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg, Brooklyn
--A free fixed-gear conversion clinic in downtown Los Angeles



3) What is this gnome doing?

--Singing a song about the joys of cycling
--Making fixed-gear cogs
--Sabotaging somebody's bicycle
--Balancing a Fixedgeargallery submission on his head





4) This bike, for sale on the Austin, TX Craigslist, once belonged to:

--Tyler Hamilton
--Laurent Jalabert
--Bo Hamburger
--Bjarne Riis



5) I recently spotted a Spalding road bike. According to the Fixedgeargallery, what famous punk frontman once owned a Spalding?

--Henry Rollins
--Ian MacKaye
--H.R.
--Glenn Danzig


6) What's the most reasonable explanation for the seat angle on this Trek?

--It's a hill-climbing bike and the saddle is actually level on extreme grades
--The rider follows the old bike-fit rule of thumb which states that an imaginary line drawn from the nose of your saddle should intersect with the front strap of your frame bag
--It's hanging its saddle in shame over those Spinergys
--There is no reasonable explanation for the seat angle on this Trek


7) Who said the following?

"Dont get me wrong, I Love Cycling, and have been one myself since my brother got me my Bianchi Spelissimo back in 1989. Greg LeMond is one of my heros…although, Miguel Indurain was quite a great cyclist when they were battling. I just want to see Lance come clean and retire already. There are many cyclists these days that I would like to see succeed, and he has done his time, and done well. Let some new blood come up."

--Paul Kimmage
--Joe Lindsey
--The "Yellow Devil"
--Levi Leipheimer


8) Which is not a quote from a recent "Men's Fitness" article about fixed-gear bikes?

--"it's like a mobile spinning class"
--"you mustn't stop pedaling"
--"you feel more like a part of the bike"
--"brakes are for 'woosies'"

***Special retro-collabo bonus question***

These "shoes" were a collaboration between component maker Race Face and which footwear company?

--John Fluevog
--Dr. Martens
--Steve Madden
--Spear's Specialty Shoe Company--Custom Made Clown and Theater Footwear Since 1983

Inspiring Rides: True Greatness Knows No Discipline

Obviously, cycling is fraught with fashion-based politics. A "violation" as minor as a misaligned tire label or a backwards front skewer is enough to have you banished from some circles. This is to say nothing of the contempt the various cycling sects have for each-other. The roadie hates the mountain biker; the mountain biker hates the fixter; the fixter hates the triathlete; the cyclo-tourer hates the triathlete; the recumbent rider hates the triathlete; and so forth. Indeed, the tool that can break this chain of hate has yet to be invented, and as much as I long for a day when we can all live in harmony and mutual respect I fear that day lies far in the future.

Still, I maintain that we can learn a lot from the "lone wolves" of cycling. These are the riders who follow no rules but their own, and their independence should serve as a source of inspiration. If we sectarians can't respect each-other, then we can at least join together in our mutual respect for them. You may be disinclined to wave to the roadie with the spotless white booties and matching shoe covers, or to the fixter with the expensive jeans and the handmade man-purse, but you can certainly find it in yourself to doff your helmet or cycling cap or flat-brim to a fellow like this:



We met this rider on Monday, but another reader has sent me this photo of him actually in motion, and I'm sure you'll agree that the sight of him in flight is nothing short of awe-inspiring. Notice how he uses the forearm pads to achieve a more upright position. Notice also the golden fleece, which matches his tires, as well as the radiant white sneakers, unfettered and unmarred by toe clips. He's also staying hydrated, thanks to the handlebar-mounted cupholder. It's difficult to ascertain how fast he's going; while the hair would indicate speeds in excess of 30mph, the bundle of paper flyers he's got resting on the aero extensions isn't aflutter. Speaking of unflappable, his facial expression belies a state of inner strength and confidence that few of us will attain in his lifetime--aided, no doubt, by the motivational audio he's listening to on his iPod.

Of course, he can afford to be confident. He knows that his arch-nemesis, Bart Kaufman, is miles away, locking up the World's Greatest Madone as he gets ready to either buy a suitcase, or visit the chiropractor, or pick up some sushi, or take a Bikram yoga class, or cut up the rug at Dance Connection:


These two riders have four things in common: impeccable taste in bicycles; a bitter rivalry; a penchant for white sneakers; and a love of motivational audio. As you can see, Bart's also listening to an iPod, though he's more into money-making than ass-kicking. I literally get chills when I imagine what it would be like to see these two riders in head-to-head competition. It would be more powerful than a hundred Alpe d'Huez Tour de France finishes multiplied by a thousand Tours of Flanders, yet still somehow reminiscent of the movie "The Bucket List." Cycling really needs a Don King who can set this up.

Speaking of inspirational rides, check out this one on The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company's Levi Leipheimer TOC micro-site:



Unfortunately, I think Trek really missed the mark here. Firstly, where's the rack?!? Secondly, as far as I'm concerned, there is only one bear-themed bike, and all others are just cheap imitations:


"There are no cables because the brake is in the pedals." It doesn't get much more aero than that. You'd think that after all that wind tunnel time Trek would have figured it out by now.

By the way, I'm pleased to announce that, in addition to having discovered the World's Greatest Madone, I've also discovered the World's Smallest Seven. Actually, it's less of a Seven than it is a Six-and-a-Half:




37cm Seven Cycles Aerios Titanium Road Bike W/Full Dura Ace - $1100 (Brooklyn)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-24, 11:47PM EST

37cm Seven Cycles Aerios Titanium Road Bike W/Full Dura Ace
Here is your chance to own your dream bike for less than purchasing just the frame and fork new. This bike is in excellent condition. Full Dura Ace 10 Spd Group The Aerios is Seven's most popular frame in the extensive lineup because it is both light weight and responsive making it great for club riding, group rides, centuries, and everything in between. The Aerios Double butted Ti tubing featuring the top quality, U.S.-sourced seamless 3-2.5 titanium and proprietary butting technology.
Frame size 37cm c.c
Top tube length- 46 cm
Frame-Seven Aerios 3-2.5 Titanium
Fork-Seven Reynolds Ouzo pro
Shifters-Ultegra
Derailurs- Dura Ace
Stem-Ritchey Pro
Handlebars-ITM Millenium
Wheel- AmericanClassic Sprint 350 650
Cassette- Dura Ace
Brakes-Dura Ace
Seat- Vitesse Fizzik
Seatpost-Thomson Maserpiece



Actually, $1,100 seems like a pretty low price for a Seven--even a really small one--and it's possible that this is a scam. Either that, or the bike was stolen from Dave Zabriskie's house. (It's too small for him, but it might have belonged to one of his Marvel Sideshow statues.) However, if it's legit, I think the owner of the Seven with the giant head tube should purchase it as a companion piece:


Then he can take a picture of it with his cat using the litter box in the background.

Incidentally, the ad specifies "full Dura Ace," though the bike has Ultegra shifters and a non-series compact crank. Maybe this is the new Dura Ace 7900, which I understand Shimano actually specs with Ultegra shifters now due to the current state of the economy. Also, the bike has a Thomson Masterpiece seatpost. Many people don't realize that unlike the Thomson Elite post, the Masterpiece requires a proprietary grease:



This will not only keep the post from seizing in the frame, but will also make it delicious. They even make a special compound specifically for crabon frames:



It's also guaranteed to liven up your next "Peleton" sandwich from Boneshakers.

A World Gone Nuts: Missing Junk and Missing Pants

As you have probably read by now, professional cyclist, crotch cream magnate, and occasional Twitterer Dave Zabriskie returned home from the Tour of California only to find that his house had been burglarized:



I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling outraged over this crime. This is nothing like the Astana bike heist in Sacramento--we all knew that The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company would quickly replace those bikes. Even Lance Armstrong's custom one-of-a-kind time trial bike was eminently replaceable, since Trek clearly have the capability to crank out new Armstrong customs at a moment's notice. If Armstrong Tweets about eating a burrito, they send him a burrito-themed bike; if he decides to sit in on the local group ride for a few miles, they send him a local group ride-themed bike; if he takes a ride with Robin Williams, they send him a Robin Williams-themed bike with a disconcertingly lifelike body hair paintjob and a forearm applause meter SRM readout.

No, the Zabriskie heist is something else entirely. They broke into his home, and they took a lot of stuff, including many personal items. I mean, look at this list:

Items stolen include the following:
Black 2008 Subaru Outback, Utah plate A189NC
Black 2006 Toyota Scion, Utah plate 094VWM
Giro D Italia Race Medal (approx. 6" circumference)
Olympic Seiko watch Beijing Olympic ring (silver) with initials "DZ" engraved ($4,000)
Olympic Time Trial Bike, plus 12 other bikes (combined value of $100,000)
Cervélo (black/red) bike frame - team issued ($5000)
Tag Heuer watch ($6,000)
Bose Speaker/Receiver System ($15,000)
Sony 52" flat screen TV ($4,000)
Two Mac Books and one Mac desktop, plus hard drive ($8,000)
A pair of Space legs, a recovery compression system for legs ($5,000)
7 Marvel sideshow statues ($11,000)

I'm glad to see that Zabriskie is a part of "wristwatch culture." I'm also glad that during these difficult economic times, Zabriskie had his money in secure investments like Marvel Sideshow statues. I only hope they were insured. Obviously, if you have any leads, or if someone tries to sell you comic book-themed collectibles and a Giro race medal, you should contact the authorities immediately. And if you're still not upset about this theft, maybe this image will hit home:


Obviously Zabriskie's "junk" is still comfortable thanks to his eponymous crotch cream, but he's been robbed of pretty much everything else--including his pants. I hereby call upon the domestic peloton to come to Zabriskie's aid. Yes, I'm looking squarely at you, Michael Ball. After all, you're the King of Pants, and if you had any human decency at all you'd donate a new wardrobe. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Ball is a chief suspect in the investigation. We know that Rock Racing is in dire financial straits and is now shopping at Bikesdirect. Thirteen bikes would probably be enough to keep the team rolling for another year, and you can probably expect to see either a Subaru Outback or a Scion with anarchy signs painted all over it following Rock Racing at their next stage race. Either that, or Ball will seize upon the opporuntity to do more viral marketing, this time releasing a video depicting a fixter strike force carrying a bunch of stuff out of Zabriskie's house.

I was actually so disturbed that I decided to launch my own investigation. Naturally, I started by checking Craigslist, since most of the stuff on there is being fenced anyway. I chose the New York City Craigslist--even though it's pretty far from Utah, I figured stolen stuff eventually winds up here anyway, and at least it would be close enough for me to try to retrieve it. Almost immediately, I found something suspicious in the "Missed Connections":



Red hed black dog hot girl red car pink bike - 36 (Babylon, NY)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-19, 7:34PM EST

I saw you leave the pink bike and take what looked to be a velveteen pig to a park with your red hair with blonde streaks. You are as hot as the pig is cute. I saw you yell "You ran a red light asshole" and figured you must be a strong and independent woman! You had me at "asshole!' Nice legs! They look just a bit buffer than your arms! Quite a package for a smart girl.

Yes, you read that right: it says "velveteen pig." If my comic book knowledge is correct, the "Velveteen Pig" is a Marvel superhero, and I'm pretty sure that a Velveteen Pig Sideshow statue was one of the items taken from Zabriskie's home. So be on the lookout for a woman with red hair, blonde streaks, and nice legs riding a pink bike.

Figuring I was on to something, I continued to browse the "Missed Connections," and soon found this:



Don't buy that freeze-dried coffee - m4w - 23 (Grand Street Key Food)
Reply to: [delete]
Date: 2009-02-18, 8:39PM EST

You were about to make the mistake of buying freeze-dried coffee at the Key Food when I rescued you by suggesting that you go to Gimme! instead.

We seemed to have a little moment. Got the vibe that maybe you have a boyfriend. But maybe not.

Anyway, when by the time I got outside, you were gone. I tried to find you, but my raviolis got caught in my bike spokes and spilled all over so I had to discontinue my search.

I'd love to get a drink. We do live in the same neighborhood, after all. I hope your spaghetti was good.


Well, I'm not sure this one's going to help break the Zabriskie case, but I do think this serves as an effective warning as to the dangers of riding while carrying ravioli.

Speaking of warnings, yesterday I mentioned the "underground/mainstream inversion," which can only be a bad sign. Well, I recently received the latest catalog from the Secret Website, and discovered something even more horrifying. Yes, it's the dreaded "Microshift/Ultegra Price Inversion":


Sure, the Secret Website may have upgraded its shifters, but for them to be more expensive than Ultegra shifters can only be a sign of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse. Skeptics will point out that it's only the triple Ultegra shifters that are cheaper, and that the double shifters are still way more expensive, but I'm not sure it matters since I think you can use the triple shifters just fine with a double crank.

And that's not all. Things are even scarier over at the Secret Website's sister company. Not too long ago I revealed that Performance is actually the middleman in a sordid Australian-US pornography-smuggling ring. Well, it gets worse. A reader tells me that they're now brazenly selling sex toys too:

For shame, Performance! This sort of thing is best left to the Kinky Llama. The only innocent explanation I can possibly come up with for this is that some factory in Taiwan makes these and they randomly brand some as chain cleaners and some as plastic phalluses. Plus, nobody would ever buy something like this to clean their chain--everybody knows chain cleaners don't work. They just spread the filth around. (Kind of like what Performance is doing.) The only way this thing works is if you put "clean your chain" in quotes. And when used in conjunction with the XTR hub (which you may recall is "designed to cradle the balls"), well, let's just say it can really cut into your riding time.

Then again, I could have this all wrong. Maybe Performance is trying to atone for the Knog debacle and this is actually an updated version of a Victorian anti-masturbation device. I've also found another wholesome use for it. Instead of censoring photos in the traditional way (the original unsafe for work version is here):



All you need to do is use the Spin Doctor Clean Machine "Chain Cleaner":

(image by bkjimmy)

I still don't know why (from left to right) Lamar from "Revenge of the Nerds," Joaquim Phoenix, Sarah Vowell, Thurston Moore, David Allen Grier, and Anthony Bourdain felt the need to take a naked bike ride together, but at least now their respective "junk" is covered. Bourdain better be careful, though--I think I see some ravioli in his spokes.

I hope they all used plenty of DZ-Nuts.

Anarchy for Sale: No Brakes, No Masters

It's late February, but spring is in the air here in New York City. Actually, that's completely untrue--it's cold and windy, and the only thing in the air is bits of garbage. Nonetheless, the racing season looms, and I recently received an email from Michael Green of Bike Blog NYC (and victim of the classic "Yo, let me see your bike real quick" flim-flam) asking me to help" spread the word" about this weekend's Monster Track alleycat.

If you're unfamiliar with Monster Track, it's basically the Woodstock '99 of alleycats. Here's the description from Michael's email:

This weekend, Monster Track X, the tenth annual edition of NYC's most intense underground alleycat street race, will be blazing through city streets making heros out of ordinary messengers, and a legend out of one. Monster Track, the most outlaw of outlaw alleycat bicycle races, has only one rule: No Brakes.

You may remember that last year's Monster Track was fake-cancelled, presumably in order to confuse the interlopers and generally pare things down so that it could run more stealthily. I can only imagine this year the organizers are implementing a similar ploy, because as far as I can see there's nothing "underground" about this race at at all. Most likely this announcement is for some kind of "decoy" event, and the real race will take place elsewhere. Just take a look at the flyer:

Firstly, there are few things in the world that are less "underground" than brunch. Sure, maybe brunch is an edgy meal for the sorts of people who purchase designer dog clothes, sport spray-on tans, and wear soft leather driving loafers, but that's about it. Secondly, some of these sponsors can only have been secured by a PR firm. Sure, Continuum Cycles and Affinity Cycles are bikes shops, and R.E.Load and Outlier make cycling bags and clothing, so those make sense. But what about the rest of them? Curious, I went and checked them out.

First, I visited the Incase website. Yes, nothing says "underground" and "outlaw of outlaw" like a company that makes protective cases for Apple products. While there's certainly nothing wrong with owning a laptop and wanting to protect it, doing so does not exactly qualify you as a menace to society. Furthermore, designing such products is highly unlikely to foment revolution--even if they do have some sweet "collabos," like this one with Hiroshi Fujiwara:


You may recall that Hiroshi Fujiwara is the person who got Eric Clapton into collecting track bikes. I guess Hiroshi's pretty into iPhones too, because "these limited-edition cases are featured in Hiroshi Fujiwara's new book about the iPhone and iPhone-related culture." This came as a surprise to me, because until I read this I didn't realize that it was possible to base an entire culture on something as specific as an iPhone. I guess the standards for what qualifies as "culture" have been significantly lowered recently. (Maybe this is part of Obama's economic stimulus plan.) If so, it sure is easy to join a culture now. If I check the time, am I part of "wristwatch culture?" If I use a urinal, am I part of "urine culture?" If I eat a Chicken McNugget with sweet and sour sauce, am I part of "Chicken McNugget culture," or "sauce culture?" And if I use a fork to do it, am I also part of "fork culture?" Hmmm, I think I liked it better when something actually had to stick around for a few centuries to qualify as a culture. Navajos have a culture; iPhones have touch screens and a headphone jack. (Though I hear you can now download a "belief system app.")

Next on my Monster Track X sponsor tour, I checked in with Mishka. Mishka is a New York City-based clothing label, and it may be familiar to readers of this blog as the sponsor of the D.A.R.T. cycling team. Naturally, as a clothing company with a distinguished cycling pedigree, they now make cycling-specific clothing like this flat-brimmed baseball cap:


Our Death Adders Road and Track project is now branching out and producing clothing. Starting today, we're slowly making some gear specific to the people who are riding their bikes in the elements everyday and we are pleased to say that the D.A.R.T. New Era marks the first piece in this series

Crafted from New Eras signature "no shrink" wool, this hat will keeps its shape after it's soaked in sweat over and over again. When you're not wearing a helmet, top off your outfit with this hat which features the D.A.R.T. headbadge and logo in a colorway to fit any wardrobe.

If you ride your bike a lot, you know there's no better choice of headgear than a flat-brimmed baseball cap. Unlike a traditional cycling cap, the baseball cap has the advantages of not fitting under a helmet, having a huge brim to catch the air, and having a huge brim that cannot be flipped up or down. Also, unlike a lightweight cycling cap, the wool baseball cap is too heavy for summer, yet unlike a winter cycling hat it won't keep your ears warm. You can, however, use it in conjunction with a "hoodie" to keep your hat from flying off your head if you ride more than 10mph. (Which, if you're the kind of person who wears hats like this, you probably don't.) Most importantly, it comes in lots of "colorways," which are like colors, only trendier.

Mishka also have a "lookbook." (All revolutionary movements have lookbooks. Mao Zedong's "Little Red Book" was the first revolutionary lookbook and was full of hot Marxist fashions.) As you can see, they offer lots of great clothes to wear to the Monster Track "outlaw" brunch:


I'm sure between mouthfuls of fries they're discussing how to tear down "the system" from within. Yes, revolution sure is delicious--and it comes in lots of great colorways, too!

After my virtual brunch, I visited Mishka's comerades-in-arms and fellow Monster Track sponsors, BoundlessNY:


BoundlessNY is a streetwear clothing retailer that sells various "underground" and "outlaw" clothing brands and stocks products that come in a stunning array of "colorways." They also seem to have appropriated the "Ruff Ryders" logo:



This is fitting, since the clothing BoundlessNY sells doubtless appeals to fixed-gear freestylers, and fixed-gear freestylers are to track bikes what Ruff Ryders are to sport motorcycles:






As a sponsor of an "underground" bike race, you'd expect BoundlessNY to have an "underground" sensibility. And what's more "underground" than worshipping money and celebrating rampant consumerism? A search for the word "money" yields no less than 17 items on the BoundlessNY website, including this "All Over Money" flat-brimmed baseball cap (perfect for cycling, of course):


You can also use it in conjunction with this matching "All Over Money Hoody":


There's no better way to express your rejection of the mainstream than by swaddling yourself in money. I think "Get money all over the globe" is actually a Che Guevara quote.

Saddened, I then made my way over to DQM, hoping to finally find some "underground" products and "outlaw" energy. Instead, I just found more stupid hats:



They really should think about changing the name from "Monster Track" to "Monster Hat."

The last Monster Track sponsor I visited was Boneshakers, which is a vegan cycling-themed cafe in Brooklyn under the same ownership as Trackstar bike shop:



Well, at least this business is cycling-related, and whatever you think of veganism at least it's more of a challenge to the status quo than the "All Over Money Hoody." Also, the sandwiches have irreverent names, though I was disappointed to find that "peloton" had been misspelled:


In any case, it seems like a lovely place for a post-ride brunch.

Incidentally, this weekend also marks the start of the New York City road racing season. At first glance, lycra-clad investment bankers on expensive crabon-fiber bicycles would seem to be the very antithesis of "underground" and "outlaw." However, in reality, the local road races take place very early in the morning, nobody watches, and there are no trendy sponsors. Moreover, the bankers are now unemployed, but the "outlaws" seem to have their hands full peddling streetwear. Could it be then that we are in the midst of some kind of "underground/mainstream" inversion, in which the "underground" has gone mainstream and the "mainstream" has gone underground? Or maybe it's much simpler, and this is all just a case of evolving language--"underground" now means "trendy," "outlaw" now means "annual," and "culture" now means "fad."

Either way, if you go to Monster Track, bring an appetite for brunch and money for the DVD, but don't bring brakes.

Bike Buzz: Old Bikes, New Humiliations

As a new week begins, sadly we must say goodbye to the Amgen Tour of California. Granted, I didn't really have much time to watch it, but still, it was comforting to know it was there running in the background like anti-virus software. And now that it's over, I find myself growing sentimental--so sentimental in fact that I visited the Amgen Tour of California Store in order to purchase a keepsake. At first, I thought I'd purchase a stuffed bear:

I figured this would serve as a soothing balm by giving me something cozy to clutch as I cry myself to sleep. (Currently I cry myself to sleep with an old Mapei jersey, but it's starting to get a bit threadbare.) However, as I continued to browse the store I noticed I could also purchase an entire gift bag for $50 (valued at $250!) which contains not only the teddy bear but also a bunch of other stuff I could hold, wear, or otherwise use while I cry :


This is a much better deal than the Rock Racing blanket, which costs $40 and doesn't even come with anything else (though you do get free shipping):



No, I'd much rather sob into a cuddly teddy bear's abdomen than beneath a Rock Racing blanket. Plus, I hear the gift bag is exactly like the one Levi Leipheimer got for winning the race, though he did have to share the contents with the rest of the team. (According to Chris Horner's Twitter, he actually called "dibs" on the towel the morning of the time trial.) Speaking of which, word from California is that Astana were thrilled over Leipheimer's third Tour of California win--so much so that they threw him a lavish victory party, complete with a surprise performance by pop sensation and mandolin virtuoso Letle Viride:



If you've never seen Letle Viride play, you really owe it to yourself to check him out (though Youtube footage is nowhere near as visceral as the real thing). Everybody knows that the mandolin is the "bad boy" of the lute family, and since Letle Viride is, in turn, the "bad boy" of mandolin players, this makes him exponentially bad. Time hasn't dulled his edge, either--he's just as vital now as he was back in the 70s.

But while Astana and an assortment of VIPs (Paul Sherwen is a huge Letle fan) watched a man smash a flaming mandolin to bits after covering "Sweet Child O' Mine," the general public celebrated as well. Some even did so a day early--here's one happy spectator who was photographed by a reader at the finish line of the time trial in Pasadena on Saturday:


It's rare you get to see something this sleek and aerodynamic--clearly, that baby was sculpted in the wind tunnel. (I am, of course, referring to the hairstyle, but the bike's pretty aero too.)

But let's not forget that this was California, and as such irony abounded. This was Floyd Landis's first race back after failing a drug test and being stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title. Despite his apparent transgressions, there was an outpouring of support, as evidenced by these photos taken by non-Serotta-riding dentist and gap bike apologist Dr. John Gowey:



Meanwhile, another reader informs me that Lance Armstrong, who's been found guilty of nothing except obsessive Twittering, found himself at the pointy end of either a hypodermic pitchfork or a dual crown suspension fork, I'm not sure which:


However, as the rest of the photos show, Armstrong handily dismissed the charges:

None of this is to imply that we should not support Landis, who has served his suspension and has every right to return to the sport. (Though I do feel that allegations he dabbled in recumbent riding during his suspension warrant further investigation.) Nor is it to imply that Armstrong was heavy-handed in his dealings with the heckler. After all, if I were riding in defense of the race lead and Andy Richter in a bumblebee costume started poking at me with a Marzocchi, I'd push him into a snowbank too.

Speaking of dorky things dressed as animals, the people at Renaissance Bicycles inform me that they have "dropped" a new creation, which they call "The Octopus Bike":


The Octopus Bike was "Originally a 1978 Raleigh Record Ace," but Renaissance have "updated it to be an over-the-top track bike with all new components." Well, it's definitely over the top, but it's still not a track bike--it's just a $1,850 conversion. I'm not sure why they settled on the octopus theme, but it might be because having eight arms allows you to multitask, and when it comes to being problematic this bike is working overtime. Why nothing to keep your feet on the pedals? Why no brakes? Why the bargain basement components? Well, at least they preserved the "Raleigh heritage" by wrapping the bars in Cinelli cork tape--though I'm not sure what one has to do with the other, and I wish they'd just done so by adding gears and brakes and keeping the original paint job. Speaking of octopi, if you divide the price of the bike by eight, you get $231.25, which is actually a fair price for the bike. (Though I'd still rather spend an extra $43.75 and get this instead.)

But when it comes to theme bikes, the Octopus Bike is a true work of art compared to the "Bumblebee Bike" from 718 Cyclery, of whom I was recently made aware by a reader:



Opportunists continue to start cheap bike conversion factories, and 718 Cyclery seems to be the latest in what feels like an endless procession of fixed-gear meth labs. Interestingly, the proprietor is comfortable riding around on a bike that looks like a bumblebee, but he's not comfortable with the idea of wearing cycling tights:



Not only would I recommend he purchase the tights, but I think he should take it a step further and get the whole ensemble:


Watch out, Andy Richter!

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

(Columbo recovers the goods--image by Hjulcompaniet)

As the riders in the Tour of California prepare to test their legs in the time trial, I invite you to test your mental acuity by taking a quiz. This quiz consists almost entirely of items forwarded by readers. As always, study the item, think carefully, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see this video, which not only takes used bike salesmanship to a new level but also has a soundtrack that implies the bicycle might have a "surprise" in store for the purchaser.

Good luck, thanks for reading, and ride safe this weekend.

--BSNYC/RTMS




1) Who designed this coaster brake hub with cooling fins?

--Oso Bike owner Shane Stock
--Rivendell owner Grant Petersen
--SRAM
--White Industries




2) What pop singer rocks/runs/rubs/rolls this track bike-inspired singlespeed in a Diet Coke commercial?

--Hilary Duff
--Duffy
--Katy Perry
--Perry Duffy


3) Luxury cycling clothing maker Rapha is now offering a $3,500 three-piece cycling suit.

--True
--False


4) What is a "Mancebo Mullet?"

--A popular Spanish hairstyle
--Clincher in the front, tubular in the rear
--Wiskey with a sangria back
--Another term for assless cycling tights



5) At which clothing chain can you purchase these cycling caps, photographed by a reader?

--The Gap
--Old Navy
--Urban Outfitters
--Barneys



6) What are these riders doing?

--Leaving chalk trails with a device attached to their seat tubes
--Riding in a new bike lane in Portland designed by Japanese pop artist Yoshimoto Nara
--Following a trail of hipster dandruff
--Shedding paint due to using brakes on their cheap Velocity Deep V knockoffs




7) What is this?

--A portable ding remover
--An iron for your car
--A hand-held skitching aid
--An automotive defibrillator





8) The "Snuggie Pub Crawl" will take place tonight in which trendy neighborhood?

--Williamsburg, Brooklyn
--The Mission District, San Francisco
--Silverlake, Los Angeles
--Wicker Park, Chicago



9) What slogan is this p-far rider spraypainting?

--"Chester A. Arthur for President"
--"Direct Drive Forever"
--"All You Haters Suck My Monocle"
--"Ginormous front-wheel cycling is not a crime!"

***Special Audio Daily Double!!!***

This is the sound of:

--A rider dismounting a Softride suspension beam
--A male Y-Foil spotting a female Y-Foil
--A fixter's overly-tensioned chain being plucked
--All of the above

Laissez-Fairing: Rules vs. Aerodynamics

Yesterday while awheel on the Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I stopped for a red light at a busy downtown Manhattan intersection. Despite my total lack of tweed and my overall contemporary appearance, I must have cut an approachable figure, because I was approached by a fellow cyclist on an SE Draft or Lager or Pilsner or similar.

"Will the police give me a ticket for going through a red light?," she asked.

I assured them that they could, and if they felt like it they most certainly would.

"How much is the fine?"

I explained it was in the low three figures, which she found shocking. "Have you ever gotten a ticket for this?," she wanted to know.

I assured her that I had.

At this point I detected a European accent of some kind, and it was clear from her tone that she was shocked by our city's draconian traffic laws. She next pointed to the lime green bike lane upon which we stood.

"What about here? What if I ride against traffic? Will they give me a ticket for that?"

I explained that this too might potentially result in a ticket; moreover, it would also result in irritating other cyclists such as myself, as well as possibly cause her to be hit by a car.

This she simply laughed off, as if the notion of a motor vehicle reducing her and her SE to a twisted, bloody, hi-ten wreck was totally impossible. She then exclaimed proudly, "I'm Dutch!"

Ah, yes. We American cyclists are constantly subjected to stories of the cycling paradise which is Holland, where people pedal happily to and fro on bicycles without fear of injury, and where drivers are not only required to yield to cyclists but also to exit their vehicles and supplicate themselves before them, and where the junkies wash and detail riders' bikes instead of stealing them. Nothing bad could possibly happen to a Dutch person on a bicycle--in Holland. But New York City is another story. So I explained to her that while she may be Dutch that most of the drivers around her are not, and thus she might want to refrain from bike-salmoning.

At this point she clearly dismissed me as a curmudgeonly fussbudget, which I most assuredly am. However, this does not alter the fact that the vast majority of drivers in New York City are not Dutch--especially the cab drivers. They hail from places as disparate as Queens, New Jersey, Pakistan, and Somalia, but they all share two things in common: they will not hesitate to flatten a cyclist faster than you can say "unfortunate smelting accident;" and they certainly won't stop beforehand to make sure you're not Dutch.

Of course, the truth is that I was less concerned with her safety than I was about having to dodge yet another bike salmon. After all, visitors from abroad should at least be considerate of the locals. It's not like when we go to Amsterdam we take lots of drugs, knock on the prostitutes' windows while making obscene tongue gestures, and generally act like idiots. Actually, that's completely untrue--I've seen entire American families in Amsterdam do exactly that. But it's not as bad as bike-salmoning.

Still, it's not surprising. There's a rich tradition of Europeans coming to America and telling us what to do. The Dutch used to own Manhattan after all. Then the English took over and hit us with that dastardly Stamp Act, which was closely followed by the UCI "3:1" tech rule, which they threatened to enforce at the Tour of California before ultimately yielding:



But while I'm still smarting over that Stamp Act (stamp acts were invented by the Dutch, as it happens), I must say that I'm completely in favor of UCI tech rules. These rules are very important, because they prevent bike mutation. Similarly, doping rules are also important--not because they prevent cheating or keep riders healthy, but because they ultimately prevent more extreme forms of physical manipulation, like the surgical addition of a second pair of legs. If you don't believe that UCI rules save us from rolling abominations, consider the Trek Y-Foil:


If the UCI had not banned this frame design, the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company might still be selling this bicycle today. Even so, as the website points out, two years was long enough for this hideous contraption to gain a "cult following" (yes, there are sick people out there who like these things) which is why you may have seen "street art" such as this in the darker alleys of your city:


By the way, Y-Foil cult members are a twisted sort indeed. Never mind their love of triple cranksets; urban myth also holds that they use the frame's ungodly seat-tube-less design for animal sacrifice. First, they place the offering in the void where the seat tube should be. Next, they loosen the seat post clamp. Then, in one swift motion, they effectively use the post as a stunbolt gun, killing the unfortunate beast. Finally, the offering is burned, and its effluvium is wafted towards an idol of their dark god, Trek CEO John Burke.

Here is the gilded Y-Foil of a high priest, complete with Mektronic demon horns:

(Pure, unadulterated, dork-tastic evil)

Here are a couple of cult members, their CamelBaks undoubtedly filled with blood:

If you're wondering why Trek was never punished for making the Y-Foil, it's because they didn't make the Y-Foil. Y-Foils actually occur naturally in the Wisconsin Central Plain, and were simply hunted by Trek engineers:

The above photo shows a wild Y-Foil on a grassy plain. Unfettered by portly riders with fanny packs, these beasts can move at incredible speeds, though the presence of downtube and handlebar branding indicates this particular Y-Foil may have been born in captivity. The inset shows another wild Y-Foil pausing by a pond for a drink. It's clearly a female, as her under-saddle mating pouch is red and engorged, alerting males to the fact that she is in heat.

Now that they're no longer hunted by Trek, wild Y-Foils occasionally mate with stray domesticated bikes whose owners have not neutered them. This is a growing problem, as it can result in offspring like this:


Fortunately, such bicycles are almost always sterile.

Despite the UCI ban on Y-Foil use, there is still a black market for illegally-hunted Y-Foils, as evidenced by this Craigslist ad:

Trek Y-Foil 77 Carbon-frame Triathlon Bike + accessories - $750 (Chelsea)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-18, 12:04PM EST

Trek Y-Foil 77: 60 cm Carbon-frame with aero bars, dura-ace components, Rolf Vector wheels. Includes on-board CO2 refills and patch/repair kit w/ 2 tubes This bike is CRAZY FAST!!! Great deal for novice to intermediate triathletes. Original price was $6000+

Also available: Pearl Izumi Tri-R2 shoes (with pedal cleats), size US12/Eur45.5...only worn twice! Pump and helmet.





Note some distinguishing marks of the Y-Foil:


So while UCI rules may seem arbitrary, just remember that they've got the best interests of all cyclists at heart. Some innovations simply should not be allowed, lest they "trickle down" to the masses. Had they not banned the Y-Foil, it might have become the norm instead of a freakish cult. After all, without rules there's anarchy. Not the "fashionable" pretend version that Rock Racing endorses, which simply involves following all the rules while displaying an anarchy sign. No, I'm talking about actual anarchy, and I don't think we're ready for that. As chafing as rules can be, without limits on wheel size, and bicycle weight, and rider position, and frame design, we might all end up looking like this:




And that can't be allowed to happen.

The Big Picture: Taking It All In

One benefit (or drawback, depending on how you look at it) to traveling by bicycle in New York City is that it gives you an opportunity to see the latest in cycling fashions. Naturally, these fashions vary from group to group: roadies are infatuated with white; commuters continue to opt for windbreakers, khaki pants, and reflective everything; and the fixters now seem to be dressing like old-timey newsboys:



The only explanation I could come up with for this mode of dress was that the rider was on his way to a "tweed ride," but none were scheduled in New York City on the day I took this photograph (at least as far as I know). While the London Tweed Run had already happened, perhaps he was in training for its itchy, moth-eaten cousin, the San Francisco Tweed Ride, which had yet to take place. Incidentally, organizers of "tweed rides" claim that they encourage more people to ride bikes by proving "that cycling is not just a sweaty sport, but a social and/or cultural activity" and advocating "elegance not exertion." This is ridiculous. If someone is too self-conscious to wear lycra they're certainly not going to be any more comfortable with looking like they're on the way home from a Grover Cleveland rally. Really, it's just substituting one freakish wardrobe for another. As a case in point, consider "tweed ride" participant Gary Fisher, who looks like he just tunneled his way out of some kind of psychedelic Gulag:

He's less an ambassador for cycling than he is an ambassador from the planet Psilocybin Freakout.

Speaking of crimes against humanity, a number of readers (including esteemed commenter Leroy) have informed me of a high-profile bike theft. (And no, I'm not talking about Lance Armstrong's time trial bike. That "theft" was clearly part of a viral marketing campaign by the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company. You can expect Peter Falk in full Colombo garb to deliver it to Armstrong on the start ramp at the Solvang TT. Also, it's interesting to note that news outlets are now basing entire articles on Twitter discussions, thus inching ever closer to total uselessness.) No, I'm talking about the University of South Florida professor who was caught on video stealing a bicycle for a "nearly homeless" friend:


In a heartfelt plea, the professor had this to say:

Earlier this week I gave a man who does odd jobs for me permission to use a bicycle that was parked at the center. I acted out of compassion for this nearly homeless man; but I failed to consider that the bicycle belonged to someone on our Alzheimer’s team. The bicycle was reported stolen. It has, however, since then been returned to its owner. USF police are investigating as is standard procedure. It was a terrible lapse in judgment on my part; I have no excuse. I can only say that my intention was never to bring harm, alarm, or disruption to anyone.

Frankly, it's easy to see why Professor Rao was compelled to steal the bicycle. Near-homelessness is a problem which has reached epidemic proportions in this country, and I'm sure he could no longer sit idly and watch yet another American fall victim to it. Incidentally, "nearly homeless" means that you have a home but you just don't like it very much. This is different from "fully homeless," which is what Chad Gerlach was. As such, it's completely understandable that Rao would decide that helping a "nearly homeless" person warranted leaving a graduate student "completely bikeless." Also, camera surveillance on Professor Rao and the "nearly homeless" man continued even after they left the loading dock, and what ensued was shocking to say the least:


Still, as sordid as this all looks, it's important not to rush to judgement until you've seen the big picture. Sometimes actions that seem wrong actually make sense when you consider them in the grand scheme of things. Conversely, sometimes things look all right from up close, but it's not until you back away from them and take in the wider view that you realize they're actually horribly wrong. Take this bike from the Seattle Craigslist, forwarded by a reader:


The crank looks decent enough (even if the purple chainring bolts are a bit over-the-top);



The Phil Wood rear hub and White Industries freewheel are also both highly-regarded components;



And while they might be a bit "upmarket" for a GT, how bad could the whole thing look?

This bad:


I'm ordinarily not that bothered that much by clashing colors, but there's something about the way anodized colors can clash that's especially offensive. It's the visual equivalent of chewing on tinfoil. Obviously though the seller doesn't feel the same way. In fact, he's so taken with the color scheme that he's left the bars bare so we can savor the cockpit in all its purple-and-blue glory:



This is complemented by the singleator, which looks like it's actually feeding the chain to the hub:



For me, it evokes a squirrel eating:



If you're considering this bike, please note that the seller is not including the cranks or the freewheel, as he is saving them for his new build. Personally, I won't be offering, since overall I find the bike too whimsical and I'm really in the market for something more "serious:"



New Build Giant Bowery Fixie - $2000 (NYC)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-16, 9:31PM EST

Total New Build Giant Bowery.. Easton C70 Fork,, Durace Track Crank and chain Thompson Seat post ,,Thompson Stem ,Velocity Rims ,,PHIL WOOD hubs New Specilised tires and Toupe specilised seat ,pro design handle bars with both front and rear brakes this is a awsome bike only for the serious size med

718 208 [deleted]

Serious indeed--it's a grave individual who can hand over $2,000 for a Giant Bowery and maintain a straight face. It's as serious as near-homelessness.

Anarchy Or Irony? The Veneer of Rebellion

In these lean times, corporate entities must do whatever they can to get free publicity. This is especially true of Rock Pants, for whom times are very lean indeed. Of course, a great way to get free publicity if you're a pants company with a bike racing team is to have that team win races, which, to Rock's credit, they did in stage 1 of the Tour of California. But another more slimy way is to create viral videos, like this one, to which I was alerted by a reader:



As much as it pains me to help spread the Rock virus by sharing this, the desperation of which this smacks makes it impossible to ignore. Yes, this video appears to depict a small graffiti strike force actually painting an anarchy symbol and the words "Never Surrender" on the wall of the UCI headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland. (Though the soundtrack is, of course, completely inappropriate. The video works much better with this, which gives it the appropriate bumbling Euro feel.)



Moreover, the strike force seems to be comprised of fixed-gear riders on bicycles with Brooks saddles:


I'm not sure how this strike force was assembled, but I'm guessing that either Michael Ball placed an ad on the Lausanne Craigslist, or else he made the errand a prerequisite for the team's European members wanting to ride in the Tour of California.

By the way, even though Rock Racing don't claim responsibility for this act of petty vandalism, it's still obvious that they're behind it. After all, only Michael Ball would be trite enough to try to reheat the anarchy sign, which has been the international corporate symbol for mall punk since the early 1980s. The whole aesthetic make Poison's "God Save The Queen" cover seem edgy. Also, just check out Rock's site:


By the way, I agree with the "Rock's Not Dead" sentiment wholeheartedly, since it's true of both rock and roll and Rock Racing. Neither of these things are dead--they've just become incredibly lame. At any rate, if you watch the stupid video on the site where they show slow-motion images of the riders to moronic rap/metal musical accompaniment, it opens with the same logo from the UCI video:


Incidentally, I'm not sure I understand the sense behind forming a bike racing team, registering with the UCI, and then painting an anarchy sign on their headquarters. Nobody asked them to register with the UCI, and as far as I know nobody's demanding that they surrender either, so I don't see what they're rebelling against. Wouldn't it be more anarchic not to have registered in the first place? If Rock really wanted, they could be the most anarchic team in the world. They could live as freegans by dumpster-diving for their kit, equipment, and meals, and they could do wild stuff like rotate away from the wind instead of into it and wear their shorts on their heads. In the words of the People's Poet, "now that's what I call anarchy!"

At least it's good to know that Rock Racing embrace anarchy enough that they feel it's OK to paint on whatever you want. I only hope they can afford to come to Harlem again this year, because I can think of some logos and slogans that would look great on their Cadillacs.

Of course, if Rock Racing really wanted to be edgy, they'd have hired Chad Gerlach. Attentive readers might remember Chad as the former US Postal rider who fell victim to crack addiction and life on the street, and who was the subject of an episode of the TV show "Intervention" which I used as a wrong answer on a Friday quiz. Well, I'm pleased to report that Chad has found a team anyway, as I learned from this article in my favorite suggestively-titled periodical, Sacbee, forwarded to me by a reader:



Frankly, I think at this point cocky panhandlers would be a lot more useful to Rock Racing than viral videos.

Meanwhile, the Tour of California rolls on, and as it does I marvel not over the fact that the riders manage to brave "cold" and rain on a daily basis, but that anybody has the time to actually follow it. Don't get me wrong--I'm very pleased we now have a race in this country that draws a lot of top riders, and I'm also pleased that it receives so much TV coverage. (Even if one of the announcers is a complete mimbo.) It's just that I'm stretched pretty thin as it is, and between watching two hours of wet cold Tour of California action and my usual backlog of "Gossip Girl" episodes, something's got to give.

This is why, instead of following the Amgen Tour of California this year, I'm following the Rapha Continental Tour of California. This is much easier to follow than the actual Tour, since it consists mostly of photos of studiously "edgy"-looking people riding their bicycles while wearing Rapha clothing:


Thank you, Ralpha, for distilling the Tour of California to its essence for me. Races are complicated, but fashion shoots disguised as epic rides are simple--though I could have done without the ice baths.

One way the Ralpha Continental riders might have avoided the indignity of having to bathe in ice would have been to opt for the resilient, laterally stiff, vertically compliant, and horticulturally deciduous ride of birch wood:



Actually, after scrutinizing the photos of the birch bike for some time, I've come to the conclusion that it's a fraud. Clearly, that's not a wooden bike--it's simply an 80s Kestrel wrapped in woodgrain shelf paper:


And that's not the most vexing bicycle on Fixedgeargallery either. I was even more distressed by this one, largely because of the Nimble front wheel:



When it comes to "upgrades," most of them are pointless--especially for the sort of non-competitive riding most fixters do. Really, most "upgrades" just involve substituting one component for another, nearly identical component made in the same Taiwanese factory but priced significantly higher because of the logo that's been placed on it. Still, if you insist on "upgrading," at least follow some sort of logic in your upgrading. Putting a $700 front wheel on a bike with Truvativ Touro cranks is like wearing an Old Navy sweatsuit and one Prada shoe.

Now I have nothing against inexpensive cranks, but if you insist on spending money pointlessly at least "upgrade" the cranks before buying a stupid front wheel like that. If people are going to make pointless fashion-based upgrades, I strongly believe they should at least follow some sort of mandatory order, kind of like PEMDAS in math. There also definitely needs to be a rule prohibiting more than a $400 differential between front and rear wheel cost, as well as one banning both tubular and clincher wheels on the same bike. Instead, judging from the bar and stem, this rider simply seems to be working from front to back. Hopefully by the time he reaches the bottom bracket he'll either have gone broke or come to his senses, thus sparing us from yet another overwrought bike.

At the very least, he might have adorned his wheel with a catchy slogan. Even if "All You Haters Suck My Balls" is too mainstream for you, there are plenty of others to go around. Here's an interesting variation on the crotchal theme:

A deep sentiment to be sure, though literally speaking, depending on the rider's physical attributes, "balls deep" isn't necessarily that deep at all. Unless it's just missing an apostrophe, and he's a fan of the viral work of Michael Ball. Maybe he's one of the UCI taggers.

Keeping it Reeled In: Hope or Delusion?

Firstly, in my absence it seems that an interview I did with Jack Thurston of London's "The Bike Show" has "dropped:"

This interview was conducted in early January in a Brooklyn bar (or, as the British call it, a "pub," which is short for "pubick house").  Originally we were supposed to conduct the interview on bikes (or "awheel" as the British say) but it ended up snowing and I was afraid that, in the event of a fall, Mr. Thurston (coddled, as are all of his countrymen, by free medical care) would find himself hopelessly embroiled in our country's labyrinthine health care system.  And while I could certainly live with the idea of Mr. Thurston injuring himself (and live comfortably at that) I could not entertain the possibility that Mr. Thurston might seek financial compensation from me by filing some sort of suit.  Such suit would doubtless look to my most valuable assets for remuneration, and there's simply no way I'm parting with by Ben Serotta-built team 7-11 "Huffy:"

Check out the fastback seat stays and the exquisite brake bridge--you just don't see that type of craftsmanship anymore.  It's even got the Paris-Roubaix tires mounted.  If you think I'm letting some Englishman seize a piece of American cycling history you are gravely mistaken.  In any case, enjoy the interview.  Also, please keep in mind that in order to conceal my identity I'm speaking through a harmonizer--in reality my voice sounds exactly like Keith David's.  Special thanks to Jack Thurston for the great editing.  I'd never met an English person before, and I had to make him repeat every question at least three or four times before I could understand what the hell he was saying.

Moving on, the cycling world is abuzz with talk of Francesco Mancebo of Rock Racing's "epic" win in stage 1 of the Tour of California yesterday.  While Levi Leipheimer and Johan Bruyneel blamed poor communication for the fact that they were unable to reel back Mancebo, the cycling cognoscenti know that it was Mancebo's bike that deserves all the credit.  Yes, this undoubtedly marks a return to glory for Kestrel.  Once upon a time, Kestrel was the bicycle of choice for dentists nationwide, and it was a rare charity ride, state line sprint, or other informal non-race situation that was not dominated by a wealthy middle-aged rider on a Kestrel.  Here's what they looked like in their heyday.  (Kestrels, not dentists.):  

(The oversized bottom bracket...is beefy.)

Now, however, Kestrel bicycles are available from both Bikesdirect and Performance, from whom no self-respecting dentist would deign to purchase so much as a gap bike.  However, the fact that Rock Racing has plucked them from the discount carbon fiber bargain heap could very well resurrect Kestrel and once again make them dentist-worthy.  Incidentally, a reader informs me Rock Racing are now customizing their Kestrels with label-makers:

Yes, as any office rebel who's customized a stapler knows, there's nothing more intimidating than a "Pulp Fiction" misquote rendered in P-touch tape.  

Speaking of misguided attempts to appear "badass," the ubiquitous knuckle tattoo is officially no longer sufficient to distinguish yourself as an outlaw who lives entirely by your own rules (provided of course you're not at work, or with your significant other, or with your parents, or in the presence of teachers, police, librarians, or other authority figures).  I mean, even Janeane Garofalo's got them!  Now that knuckle tattoos are the horn-rimmed glasses of the aughts, you might as well just stick a P-touch label on your forehead.  So if you want to be a true outlaw, cutting is the only way to go:

Yes, cutting a rudimentary outline of a track bike with a ridiculously long wheelbase into some part of your body (I can't tell what part of the body this is, though whatever it is it's got hair on it) tells the world that you'll stop at nothing to show people that you like bicycles more than they do.  And of course, once the outline's done, be sure to blot the blood like a calorie-counter blots a pizza, and then display your sanguinous banner across your chest:

As hardcore and street-credulous as this obviously is, I'm going to have to deduct points for the following reasons: firstly, any true body-modification enthusiast would have hung the banner from his nipple rings; and secondly, even a Cat 5 roadie knows that rocking/running/rubbing/rolling a Quick Step hat is the very pinnacle of cycling dorkitude.  The only way he could have possibly outdone himself would have been to wear a 2008 Lazer Genesis World Champion helmet.  (By the way, in the cycling/body modification scene, there's a raging debate as to whether helmet straps should be worn over or through your organic ear tunnels.)  Still, I'm sure when he heads to the local track bike boutique to have the mechanic change his cog for him his scabby cutting will earn him many gear inches of respect.

But really, who can blame this guy for riddling himself with paper cuts in the name of authenticity?  These days, it can be tremendously difficult to set yourself apart from your fellow cyclists.  And, as Rock Racing is constantly proving, it is almost impossible to convincingly display "street cred" while simultaneously maintaining a competitive edge.  However, this certainly doesn't stop people from trying.  During my break, I watched with interest the following audition video in which a New York City messenger-slash-bike-racer strives to become a cast member on an internet reality show sponsored by flavored water manufacturer Gatorade:

Alex audition tape - 10 minutes from Luke Stiles on Vimeo.

This video walks the line between "street cred" and "competition" as deftly as it walks the one between "sincerity" and "parody."  Simply put, it has it all.  There's the speakerphone call to Mom:

The character endorsement from a fellow amateur bike racer currently serving a suspension for clomiphene:


And the training partner with a cartoon picture of Ganesha splashed across his chest:

Now, I wish Alex nothing but the best of luck in attaining his cycling goals, though I admit I hope he doesn't get on the Gatorade show--but that's only because I'd like for him to retain as much of his dignity as possible.  Incidentally, around the time I saw this video, I also read this interview with Allen Lim, Garmin-Slipstream's physiological training guru, or whatever coaches are calling themselves now.  In the interview, Lim had this to say:

I could give a shit about cycling, who cares about cycling? What does cycling mean, you know? What I care about is individuals living their life to the fullest. I would rather burn a kid out at 21, 22 years old, and have them know that they gave everything to something, and have them leave with that sense than to perpetuate the myth that everyone is going to make it. When in fact not everyone makes it. I think the amazing thing about physiology, genetics, biology is that we're all suited to do something great. It's about having the opportunity to find out what it is.

Whether you think this is the truth or that these are fighting words probably depends to a large extent on how seriously you take yourself, and for my part, I hope Alex doesn't take himself too seriously.  Either way, at least he's riding a bike instead of just carving one into himself.  Carve corners, not skin.  Real riders get scars without having to make them themselves.

Coming and Going: Taking Liberties and Taking Leave

("Fear the Alpaca-lips" by Erik K, based on this link he received from Kale.)

Firstly, I'd just like to take the opportunity to let you know that my blogging coaches at Carmichael Training Systems have insisted that, after today, I use the rest of this week as a "recovery period." This recovery period of course follows this past weekend's intense motorpacing session, which you're well aware of if you follow my Twitter. (Motorpacing for CTS bloggers involves typing what Chris Carmichael is saying as he speed-reads aloud from Johan Bruyneel's autobiography, "We Might As Well Win.") Rest assured, though, that I will not be idle. This is going to be an "active recovery period," meaning that I will be writing--I just won't be updating this blog. Instead, I'll be adding to my book of inspirational cycling-related sonnets entitled "Pressure-Relieving Cutouts For The Cyclist's Soul (And Crotch)". But rest assured I will return on Monday, February 16th with regular updates.

Pending this recovery period, I have received many items of note from readers, including this Face Plate-Mounted Brake Lever (or FPMBL):


Unlike some other brake lever mounting techniques, the FPMBL is at least usable. However, there was still something insidious about it to me. Certainly at least part of the effect was due to the fact that this setup is evocative of an ant's pincers. But as I looked closer I realized what was really creeping me out was the mysterious figure reflected in the bell:


There was something haunting about this presence clad in black, standing before a bare tree and a white cottage. Moreover, it was oddly familiar as well. Frightened yet intrigued, I fired up the BSNYC/RTMS Enlargerizer (sponsored by TYR triathlon apparel, makers of the Apollo Racer mankini) for a closer look:



Suddenly, I realized where I'd last seen this eerie specter:


To me, this is a clear indication that signs of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse have been manifesting themselves as early as February 13th, 1970, when this album was released. Furthermore, while Black Sabbath fans have argued for decades about the meaning behind the acronym N.I.B., it is now obvious to me that it is a veiled reference to the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse and it stands for "Not Into Brakes."

Speaking of things that will make your skin crawl, another reader informs me that Motor Trend has done a feature on Rock Racing owner, pants maker, and noted smarm-monger Michael Ball's car collection:



The above photo rattled me even more than the bell on the FPMBL bike, and like the eerie specter, Ball too evoked an image from the past:



Interestingly, it turns out that Ball secretes irony even more heavily than he secretes oil (in these lean times, Rock's mechanics are reportedly blotting Ball hourly and using his natural oils to lube their riders' drivetrains), as is clear from the following excerpt in which he takes a great deal of liberty with the truth:



Ball describes the scene when his team arrives "tattered out" in their Cadillac "armada" to a race. "When we roll into town, man, people are just freaked out," Ball says. Asked what the skulls represent, he replies, "Take no prisoners - it's the old pirate creed. To roll up to a race in a Cadillac Escalade that's tattered with green on a black Escalade, everything's blinged out chrome, shit, even rolling up to a five-star hotel, people turn their heads and go, 'What the hell?'"

Ball had a prior relationship with Cadillac through Rock & Republic and convinced the automaker that sponsoring the team would be a good venture. "They said 'no we're not interested, our cycling initiative is Saab.' I said, 'the same guys who buy my $350 jeans are the same guys who buy the $12,000 bicycle, who buy your $80,000 Escalade. This is where you want to be.' They got on board for the first year in a small way, saw the return, said 'this is amazing,' sold a shitload of cars. That's exciting. We hope to get some hybrids for sure."

First of all, "tattered" means "ragged," so I'm not sure why Ball would brag that his team is "tattered out." I suppose it's possible that he means "tatted out," though since Kayle Leogrande's suspension for doping I'm not sure who else fits that description. Even more baffling is Ball's claim that, ever since Cadillac signed on as a sponsor, they've "sold a shitload of cars." Between 2007, when Rock Racing began, and today, GM stock has plummeted from a high of $42.64 to its current price of $2.88:



Using GM's sales as a positive indicator is like creating an ad for a diet product with a thin "Before" model and an obese "After" one. If anything, this probably means Rock Racing helped kill GM.

Sadly, though, we seem to be living in a time of devolution. And speaking of devolution and "Before" and After" shots, another reader has alerted me to a devolving Waterford:

Before:


After:


This just goes to show that all bad conversions aren't necessarily fixed-gear conversions. I'm all for practical bikes, but forcing a road bike to be a practical bike is like having lugged soles installed on your dress shoes. Sometimes, you've just got to wear different shoes. (Unless of course you take it all the way, like the World's Greatest Madone.)

On the other hand, here's another bike that actually wants a rack. Indeed, ever since I featured a Seven with a tall headtube last week, readers from far and wide (well, I only got like two, but one was from far and one was from wide) have been proudly forwarding me photos of their own giant front ends. Here's one reader's Romic, in the suggestive 69cm size, with its bars held aloft by a truly magnificent headtube:



It would seem we have entered into an age where cyclists are once again taking pride in the length of their headtubes, and this could very well presage a trend. I only hope companies like The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company are taking note. And something tells me they will, because Trek have just announced that they've opened a new design studio that "feels like a loft in a metropolitan area":



Personally, I find the notion that Trek have created a little hipster microcosm in the wilds of Wisconsin fascinating. It's like some sort of trendy space station, or one of those particle accelerators where scientists try to re-create the birth of the universe. Now, Trek designers can adopt the mindset of a Williamsburger or a Missionite and create things that will appeal to those people without having to actually live among them. I eagerly await the announcement of the first bicycle or product born entirely out of "Thing One." It will probably be well-executed yet still ineffably eerie, like Dolly the sheep. I suspect Trek is also leaving out the fact that "Thing One" is heavily fortified and doubles as a bunker in which John Burke and the rest of the Trek higher-ups will survive the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse. Then, years later, after the fallout, they will emerge and sell the survivors Districts.

At least the post-Apocalyptic future will be free from squeaky drivetrains.

See you again on Monday, February 16th.


--BSNYC/RTMS

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

(European eBay auction photo, via Fyxomatosis)

Further to yesterday's post, it turns out there are far better ways to get your hands on some adult material than ordering a pair of Knog gloves from the Secret Website. A reader has forwarded me an article from the Chicago Tribune about a company called the Kinky Llama, which will deliver sex toys to your home via bicycle:

(Anthony Mikrut indicates the size of his largest sex toy.)

I was inspired by the owner's can-do spirit, though I was less impressed with the Tribune's reporting. Firstly, they failed to coax from him the sorts of anecdotes that would be of interest to cyclists. (I'm sure he's had to dip into his stock while out on the road to "MacGyver" himself out of some tricky situations. After all, what cyclist hasn't booted a tire with a flavored condom?) Secondly, the accompanying video is preceded by a commercial for a child talent search that begins, "Hey Kids!":

(Child indicates the size of her dreams.)

I'm glad that the Chicago Tribune expects lots of kids to be watching their video about the man who delivers vibrators and pornography on his bicycle for a living.

Speaking of phallic things, you may recall I recently mentioned that a Dick Power bicycle would be a perfect complement to the VAGX messenger bag. Well, I've since received a heartfelt plea from a reader on Long Island who is in possession of an actual Dick Power frame and fork and needs to sell. Now, ordinarily I observe a strict policy of not using this blog as a platform to help individuals make sales. However, the opportunity to help somebody acquire a Dick Power is simply too novel to pass up. As such, if you're interested in getting your hands on a Dick Power, contact the owner via email at this address. The size of the frame is apparently somewhere in the neighborhood of 56cm. That's nearly two feet of Dick Power! Again, I do not know or vouch for the seller, nor do I stand to profit from the sale, but do I take puerile pleasure in cringe-worthy puns so if I can help two people exchange money for Dick Power then I'm just happy to be involved in some way.

Moving on from Dick Power to long headtubes, a proud Seven owner has forwarded me a picture of his ride:

On Monday I expressed consternation over the fact that so many expensive Sevens have an abundance of headset spacers despite being custom-built for each rider. As such, this particular reader wanted me to know that when ordering his own bike he insisted it have no more than 10mm of spacers, which resulted in a clean look and a headtube that could be described as "epic." Personally, I think it looks like it was backed into some kind of miniaturization ray but only passed halfway through, and I don't see why the top tube couldn't also be more level to minimize this effect, but I won't pretend to understand the "magic" that goes into custom-tuning each Seven's ride characteristics. At least the frame actually looks like it was built to fit the rider. In any case, I thank this reader for the photo and I congratulate him on his bike--though a wider view reveals that his dog is unimpressed:


Having said that, I now present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think carefully, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll know it. If you're wrong, you'll see this lo-fi promotional video for the Neuvation crabon fiber road frame, forwarded to me by the proprietor of Metal Inquisition.

Best of luck, and ride safe this weekend.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) Which is not an actual reason given by the seller of this bike for its SPMBL (Seat Post-Mounted Brake Lever)?

--It's "hot to def"

--It "make it cool to run a brake"

--"In Portland (the fixie Mecca) its illegal to not have brakes so the riders there run them like this"

--"cause you never know when you need and emergency brakes and you are not running clips"

2) Which is not an actual selling point given for this bike?

--"Perfect for commuting and just leaving outdoors"

--"Great for everyday use"

--"Recently overhauled"

--"Great 'Winter bike'"



3) According to the owner, this SE Lager:

--"Kills it on the regular"

--"Attracts beaver"

--"Turns heads allday"

--"Attracts beavers"



4) According to the seller, these bars are:

--"Rad"

--"Fierce"

--"Awesome sauce"

--All of the above


5) Where was this miniature P-Far sighted?

--San Francisco, CA

--Portland, OR

--Vancouver, BC

--Seattle, WA




6) Where was this unorthodox bar setup spotted?

--The Urban Outfitters in Santa Cruz, CA

--"No Brakes" track bike boutique in Atlanta, GA

--Juan Pelota, the cafe at Mellow Johnny's bike shop in Austin, TX

--The vegan student co-op store at UC San Diego



7) This image depicts which dreaded mechanical phenomenon?

--Seal Drag

--Smoking Races

--Cooked Tires

--Difficulty shifting under load



8) Whose knuckles are these?

--Hooch of Peddlin Kustoms

--Pooch of Peddlin' Customz

--Mooch of Meddlin' Kustomz

--Richard Sachs

Conspiracy By Mail: The Hidden Dangers of Online Bicycle Retail

I am extremely fortunate to receive many emails from readers. Of these emails, a large number of them contain links to new cycling-related products. I'm especially grateful for these, because I seldom leave my home (I now do all of my cycling on a Virtual Reality Trainer as I find actual cycling tedious) and as such I rely on email for news of the outside world. However, I'm alerted of some products more frequently than others, and one of the most oft-forwarded products recently has been the Knog "Love Hate" Glove.

This is hardly surprising, since I've made no secret of my fondness for knuckle tattoos. But while I've been aware of the Knog "Love Hate" Glove for some time, I was not aware until recently that you can now purchase a pair from the Secret Website:


Obviously, this is fantastic news. But I was surprised to find that when I clicked the "More Info..." link in the description it displayed the following warning:


"PLEASE NOTE THE PACKAGING OF THIS ITEM CONTAINS IMAGES THAT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE."

Now I was intrigued. What images could Knog possibly have included in the packaging for a pair of gloves that would warrant this sort of warning? Well, I didn't have to wonder for very long. It just so happens that when Knog sent me all those "hipster cysts" back in December, they included some other items in the package as well. And one of those items was a pair of "Love Hate" Gloves. At the time, I just tried to ignore them in much the same way you'd try to ignore a dead cockroach in your lunch after you've already eaten half of it--there's nothing you can do about it anyway, so your best bet is to just push the plate aside, excuse yourself from the table, and pretend it was never there in the first place. And that's what I did with the gloves.

But now that I knew the package actually contained inappropriate imagery, I made straight for the box, rummaged around wrist-deep in "hypster cysts," found the gloves, and tore the package open. Sure enough, in addition to handwear, it contained this:


As you can see, it's a picture of two people, both of whom appear to be women, sensually brushing lips. Furthermore, the woman on the right is wearing a piece of "body jewelry" in her lip. ("Body jewelry" is said to make sexual contact more pleasurable, which makes it the "Zertz" of the body modification world.) Naturally, I was appalled to discover that Knog's entire product line is simply a cheap ruse to smuggle sapphist erotica into America. Moreover, I was disgusted that one of our most trusted online retailers is complicit in this scheme. They may have included a warning, but I'm sure you'll agree it's completely insufficient given the true nature of the image. After all, it depicts two people of the same sex with portions of their faces touching. If anything, the Secret Website's "warning" only serves to titillate young people, whose mattresses are probably hiding virtual mountains of Knog packaging.

I suppose it's wrong of me to expect more from the company that invented the Porno Patch, but at least they were up front about that. These giant pornographic Breathe Right strips are another story altogether. I can't help but suspect that this may have something to do with the fact that Knog is an Australian company. Sure, once upon a time our countries had something in common--after all, we were both a part of England. But then, the supercontinent of Pangea began to separate, and ever since then we've been drifting apart. Now, we couldn't be more different, as one look at our respective national heroes sufficiently proves:

They both share dominion over the animals, but there the similarities end. Crocodile Dundee's lack of refinement, erudition, and couth is in stark contrast to Ace Ventura's suave intellectual sophistication. Indeed, it would seem that the Coriolis effect has wreaked havoc with the Australian sex drive, resulting in the Knog/Secret Website pornography-smuggling affair, photos like these from Fyxomatosis, and, of course, the Robbie McEwen sex scandal. I only hope the damage caused to the collective psyche of our nation's youth by a photograph of two women making gentle nasal and labia superfluos entafada/labium inferius contact is not irreparable.

Fortunately, things over at the Secret Website's sibling company are far less insidious--or are they? I recently received the latest Performance catalog in the mail (Performance catalogs are like cold sores in that no matter where you go or what you do somehow you'll keep getting them) and was delighted to discover that, with the election but a memory, Democrat and Republican jerseys are finally on clearance:



Now this is what our nation's youth needs--patriotism, not porn. But take a closer look:

Of the two jerseys, only the Republican jersey is available in the small size. Clearly, some sort of conspiracy is afoot here. I'm not sure where it's headed or who's behind it, but it obviously involves young people, Australia, politics, and porn.

Pimping Your Ride: Making Money With Your Bike

In these difficult economic times, it is increasingly difficult to make ends meet. Fortunately, as cyclists, we have a number of advantages over the rest of humanity. For one thing, our preferred mode of transport is relatively inexpensive--well, that's not always the case, but it's true for the most part. Also, despite our many differences, we cyclists are a community. And the best thing about being part of a community is that you can take advantage of it by offering fellow members dubious goods and services in exchange for money. For example, not only is your bicycle a cheap way to get around town, but it can also be a cash cow:



can I rent your track bike?
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-03, 6:02PM EST

I am not selling anything. I have posted in the bicycle section because I am in New York until the 13th of February. I am looking to rent a track bike. I ride a 50 or 51 but I can ride up to a 53 or 54. I regularly ride brakeless but I am happy to borrow any track bike with brakes as long as it is fixed.
I am willing to pay about eight dollars a day. And I can assure you that I will not leave the bike alone or in an unsafe place. I do not have a lock, so unless I can borrow one, I will not even leave the bike outside.
Please give me a call 646.244.[deleted]. or email me.

As the architect of "Take A Pista, Leave A Pista," I've long seen the potential for a track bike-sharing program. The fixter is a nomadic breed, often moving from city to city for years before finally choosing one that offers the perfect combination of trendiness and low cost of living. This is why so many Craigslist posts incorporate the familiar "Moving--Must Sell!" sales pitch. Furthermore, this is also why people try to sell their bicycles at close to full MSRP, since as soon as they arrive in, say, Portland, they will be forced to purchase a duplicate of the bike they just sold in, say, Brooklyn. "Take A Pista, Leave A Pista" would obviate the need for this formality. Instead, just leave your Pista or similar in the tray at JFK and grab another when you arrive at PDX.

However, "Take A Pista, Leave A Pista" has two shortcomings. Firstly, while creating a communal Pista supply is altruistic and a worthy social endeavor, there's little potential for revenue. Secondly, it is not designed with the fixter tourist in mind. Fixter tourists do not want to give up their highly-customized "whips" if they're only leaving town for a week or two, yet they also want full "street cred" in the town they're visiting, even if it's only for a few days. After all, how will anybody know they rock/run/rub a fixed-gear if they can only borrow or rent a geared bike? Remember--many of these people have taken lifelong fixed-gear vows, promising to be "fixed forever" (kind of like a neutered cat). This is not a vow that's undertaken lightly.

So until some fixed-gear boutique catches on to the need for a fixter service that combines elements of Echappe Equipment and Netflix (perhaps it could be called "Netfixed") you can make big money "turning out" your own fixed-gear. Okay, well maybe not big money--judging from the above it looks like the going rate for "street cred rental" is only $8 a day--but these days every cent counts. And 10 days at $8 a day is $80. (Or twice what it would cost to just buy this thing.) I'd actually consider renting this person my own personal Empire State Courier, but he does specify "track" and I'm sure the slightly more relaxed angles of the Perscattante would be a deal-breaker.

But what if you don't have a spare track bike to pimp? Well, a reader forwarded me the following post, which proves that a German luxury car will do just as well:





IM DRIVING TOUR OF CALIFORNIA IN MY NICE BENZ, HELP WITH GAS! (Bay Area TOUR OF CALIFORNIA)
Reply to: comm-1017760015@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-02-02, 10:57AM PST


HI, I'm working as a photo-journalist during the Tour of Cali and will be most likely following the whole tour, so if you want to see part or most of it, or just want a ride from A to b, take a look at where it is going and if it works out, we can be travel companeros.

My 4 door MB 190e has a/c sunroof, all electric, stereo CD/MP3 and tinted back windows, its a 4 cylinder 2.3 liter and rides very well.

BTW: I'll be taking two people max, I want it to be comfy, asking $25/person/day for gas, oil, maintanence--thank you! And please be a bit of a neat freak, no slobs in or during my ride ;) ;(
and you'll have to have modest luggage, sorry!
andrew
cell 415-216-5501

p.s. i sent the wrong link out to everyone and now anyone can edit this! yay!
p.p.s i like kittens!

I have a strong suspicion that the photography thing is simply a ruse and that this ad was posted by none other than Rock Racing owner, pants magnate, and pending has-been Michael Ball. Things have been tough over in the Rock camp--so tough, in fact, that the team is "rolling" Kestrels now. (Rock does not "rock" as that would be redundant, nor do they "run" or "rub." Rock "rolls.") If you're unfamiliar with Kestrel, it is a brand that was once a mere notch or two lower than Serotta in the dentist-bike hierarchy, but has since tumbled from grace and is now available from both bikesdirect and Performance. I'm sorry to see Rock Racing didn't take my Windsor suggestion, but it is good to see they're being budget-minded. Most likely, though, Ball's reckless decision to opt for the Dura Ace-equipped Kestrel over the Ultegra SL-equipped Windsor has torn a sizeable hole in his budget, and he's now being forced to take on passengers so he can follow his own team.

And Ball isn't the only "celebrity" feeling the pinch. Actor, singer, filmmaker, and all-around renaissance douche Vincent Gallo is also looking to make a few bucks wherever he can. Another reader informs me that he's put his personal Brooklyn Machine Works on eBay. Sadly, moreover, it failed to find a buyer:





This may have been due at least in part to the fact that Gallo has taken the opportunity to re-tell the entire story of his life in the item's description:




For Sale: Brand new, un-ridden Brooklyn Machine Works handmade 5 speed road bike. Brooklyn Machine Works is a spectacular boutique high-level bicycle manufacturer in Brooklyn, New York. Its owner, president and designer Joe Avedisian has been a friend of mine since he was a young teenager growing up in lower Manhattan. During that period, I was racing Formula II Grand Prix motorcycles and Joe and his young buddies were BMX maniacs terrorizing New York City on their bicycles. Joe and a few of his friends got into BMX on the competitive level. Joe is a fantastic bicyclist. During my motorcycle racing days I was doing a lot of work with metal, including welding, fabricating, and finish work. As Joe got older he got more and more interested in the engineering and construction of bicycles and sometime in the early 90’s he hand built his first bicycle. It was incredible. He brought it to my apartment on Elizabeth Street and asked me to do a custom finish and invent a logo for his company, which he decided would be called Brooklyn Machine Works. The bike was called “The Central Park” and Joe and many of his friends frequently went on bike rides in Central Park after dark, riding crazy free style through a very dimly lit Central Park. My concept for painting his first frame was to finish the bike in glow in the dark white. In the daytime, the color was a beautiful pearl white and in the nighttime it would glow fluorescent green. I mixed a highly concentrated level of fluorescent powder in an Imron base coat and achieved a spectacular finish. By hand, in black enamel, in a script font I painted Brooklyn Machine Works onto the frame. Joe rode this bike for many years and when he finally got his company off the ground and was doing well he gave this first prototype bike that we worked on together to me as a gift. About a year ago I decided to have Joe build me a new bike. I was quite detailed and specific about what I wanted. Basically I wanted a high tech lock up bike that I could ride around New York City and lock up without the bike drawing too much attention from thieves. This bike would be super engineered and be fitted with some of the finest parts but I would have everything as minimal as possible and have it finished in flat black powder coating to dull down its charisma while still expressing a sophisticated aesthetic. During the period of designing and manufacturing this masterpiece I moved permanently to Los Angeles in an industrial neighborhood downtown. I had the bike shipped here and since having it here for several months, I have never ridden it. In New York City I rode a bicycle every day, but in LA I’m just not into it, and thus this masterpiece has never left my house and has never been ridden by anyone. Rather than move it around my house like a piece of furniture, I have decided to sell it. Joe Avedisian has learned a lot from me and though the bike should have been given to me as a gift out of respect the way folks gave gifts to Don Corleone, Joe decided to charge me a hefty fee for the bike. I won’t go into details about how high Judas Joe’s price was. I’ll simply say that I think of it as a gesture of charity, keeping an engineering fanatic and his wonderful company afloat. In any case, my loss is your gain because no bicycle in the world that is in current production is better, cooler, or more beautiful than one built by Brooklyn Machine Works. The bike is set up with : *** Sram 5-speed rear coaster hub****, *** kick brake only*****. frame size is 52.cm***. ****68 mil bottom bracket****. ****Front hub is a Paul's Precision****. Thomson seat post***. *****Crank Brothers pedals****. *****Brooklyn Stem*****. *** Steel frame***. ***170 Sugino crank***. ***700 x 23 Vittoria tires ZAFFIRO***. ***Seat SDG*** .............. PICK UP IN LA IS ACCEPTABLE. ALL OTHERS TO PAY FOR ALL BOXING AND SHIPPING FEES. GOOD LUCK.

It must sadden Gallo terribly that not only did he not receive any money for his bicycle, but he also didn't receive any recognition. It would appear from the Q&A that the only person even remotely interested in the bike had absolutely no clue who he was:

Q: hey, i was just wondering how tall you are? just need to see if the size 52 would fit me. what year is this? and why is called the GALLO? isn't it a gangsta track? are there are any dings, scratches, rust etc. on the frame? thanks!

A: I am 5 feet 10 1/2 inches. The bike was built one year ago and has never been ridden and is 100% mint without any issues.

At least Gallo answered the question sincerely instead of going all Christian Bale on him.

And what of Brooklyn Machine works? Not only is Gallo struggling to sell his, but noted fixed-gear freestyler and streetwear enthusiast Prolly has also defected in favor of a giant purple hybrid from Milwaukee. Worst of all, the most famous of all BMW owners, Kanye West, has publicly admitted that he can't even ride his Gangsta Track:



Yes, braking can be difficult on a brakeless bike. Personally, I think Kanye would be much more comfortable astride a Specialized Vienna Deluxe, though I suppose the fact that the bike sports a "street cred" factor in the negative double digits means that's probably not going to happen.

Fortunately, some members of the hip hop nation aren't afraid to embrace practical dork bikes. Take Mr. Theo, for example. A reader has forwarded me this video in which he teaches people how to ride the buses of Louisville, KY with their bicycles, and I think you'll agree that it quite literally raises the bar:




If there's one thing our community needs, it's more cycling-themed instructional videos in rap form.

The Future is Meh, the Apocalypse is Nigh: Tempting Fate

We are living in trying times. The economic crisis is forcing people to part with their Cervelos; our athletic heroes are letting us down; and, perhaps worst of all, cats are eating processed cheese slices. Really, it's enough to make you feel crappy and distressed. And fortunately, thanks to the dual miracles of Craigslist and the can-do entrepreneurial spirit that made America great (and then ran it into the ground), you can now get a crappy and distressed saddle to match your wilting spirit:

SADDLE (crappy & distressed) FREE installation - $9 (West Village)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2009-02-02, 11:25AM EST

If you've had an expensive $ 30, $ 40, $ 50 +++ saddle pilfered
and need a cheap & not so alluring replacement, I have a couple
of crappy saddles salvaged from old wrecks.

An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all --- or keep
it as a back-up --- hey ya never know !!!

For those too traumatized about their bad experience or paranoid
about losing another one, I'll take the trouble to chain it to the
frame --- for an extra $ 5. But the basic installation is FREE.
Most bike shops can chain it down for you --- usually the same
charge, 5 bucks.

BASIC SADDLE PRICE: $ 9 FIRM with free install

West Village location
Call JOE (212) 242-[deleted] 10 AM -- midnite
Kindly leave message if not home. Thanks.

"An unattractive saddle is better than no saddle at all." While there may be some riders with strange proclivities who feel otherwise, I think most of us will agree that truer words were never spoken. Consequently, it's comforting to know there's an individual who will not only soothe those "traumatized about their bad experience" (and really, what's more traumatizing than riding without a saddle?), but who is also available from 10:00am to midnight (!) to help ease your pain. In a time of great uncertainty, we can at least rest assured that there's a man named Joe in the West Village who is sitting by his phone every single day for fourteen hours straight just waiting for a call from some hapless saddle theft victim (or seatpost penetration victim).

Still, times are so bad that some people are seeking to soothe the pain of today with the balm of nostalgia. This cyclist, for example, is finding inspiration in the optimism of yesteryear:



"This is my first fixed gear bike, custom built by Vanguard Designs here in town. I told them I wanted a bike that was futuristic, but as if someone had designed it in 1983 thinking about the future."

Yes, while some people have more pedestrian requirements when they're purchasing a bicycle, such as "I need something I can ride to school," or, "I like red," this person's first priority was that his bicycle be ironically retro-futurist. Unfortunately for him, Vanguard Designs failed to pull it off. Rarely has a bicycle missed its mark as spectacularly as this.

First of all, nobody in 1983 could have imagined that the people of the future would ride bicycle saddles with taintal cutouts. Second of all, in order to think like a person would have in 1983, we have to understand 1983. This was a much simpler time, when many of the modern conveniences we take for granted today didn't even exist. The internet, grunge, synthetic underwear, hydrofoils, monotheism--none of these had been invented by 1983. And if you're wondering what cycling looked like in 1983, it looked like this:



I found this photograph using a popular search engine (the search engine was invented in 1992, shortly after the internal combustion engine), and as you can see it's actually sepia-toned, since color photography didn't exist yet either and people had to sepia-tone things to amuse themselves. However, Tony Randall did exist, and I'm reasonably certain that he's the person in the photo just ahead of Sideshow Bob:

But while 1983 was a prosaic, bland, sepia-toned time, the people of 1983 did have very vivid imaginations. As such, it's highly unlikely that someone in 1983 dreaming of a bike of the future would come up with something as dull as the Fixedgeargallery bike. I mean, moustache bars and time trial brake levers? They would have done much better than that. The movie "ET" had just been released the year before (Tony Randall's "Odd Couple" co-star Jack Klugman played the role of the alien to critical acclaim), and by 1983 it was widely considered a given that aliens would be living among us in the near future. So naturally, any future bike designed in 1983 would have included an alien basket:



Didn't Vanguard Designs do any research? Even Sideshow Bob's bike has an alien basket!

Moreover, while the people of 1983 didn't have grunge, or monotheism, or neckties, or hot and cold running water, or long division, they did have crabon fiber. After all, crabon fiber is a naturally-occuring substance, and by the 80s people were pulling tons of the stuff from the great crabon fiber mines of Dover, New Hampshire. Granted, it wasn't used widely like it is today, as you can see from this Race Face crabon fiber crank:



But certainly any futuristic space-aged concept bicycle would have somehow incorporated it. Forget lugged steel--a 1983 future bike would probably have looked more like this:



Furthermore, in 1983 the upright bicycle was widely regarded as being on the verge of obsolescence. Experts in the industry even went so far as to compare them to p-fars. Also, the barbers who diagnosed medical problems and performed bloodlettings believed that upright bicycles caused dropsy. So back then, the so-called "smart money" was on the recumbent, and if Vanguard Designs had really done their homework the Fixedgeargallery poster would be riding this:



Now that's a hell of a lot more ironically retro-futurist than a pair of blue hubs.

But there's one thing the simple folk of 1983 would never have imagined, and that is that one day derailleurs would fall out of favor and fixed-gears and singlespeeds would rule the Earth. Nonetheless, this has come to pass, and we now find ourselves trackstanding on the brink of the Fixed Gear Apocalypse. And horribly, a reader has informed me that in Swindon, England, there dwells a "Singlespeed Antichrist":

The foolhardiness with which this Alex Morton taunts the Alpaca is deplorable, and he's clearly cruising for a smiting. 96 speeds is four times as infuriating as a triple crank with an 8-speed cassette, and 4.363636363636363 times as infuriating as a double crank paired with a Campagnolo 11-speed cassette. (Even if he can rub the coveted 11-58 straight block.) Sure, he may be able to ride at speeds in excess of 53 miles per hour (though I'm guessing those are English miles per hour, which means he's only going like 20 American miles per hour), but it's still inexcusable. Even more horrifying, he doesn't even hold the gear record:

Immediately after reading about this, I realized I had to research Swindon, since it is evidently going to be the scene of the Fixed-Gear Armageddon. So I shut down my computer, headed to the library, went straight to a computer, and visited Wikipedia. There I learned that not only does "Swindon" mean "Pig Hill," but also that it is famous for its roundabouts and is also the home of the New Wave band XTC.

That last fact shook me to my core, for a closer inspection revealed that Alex Morton's 96-speed mostrosity is actually a Giant XTC:

And, as any astute theologian knows, arguably XTC's most popular song was the agnostic anthem "Dear God":

Clearly, evil forces are at work in Swindon, and it would seem that they have been working to cause anger on high and speed the End of Days since at least 1986.

I only hope someone--or some thing--can save us.

Stick A Fork In The Contest, It's Done: Announcing the Winner

("Tri" sticker. Translation: "One Less Good Bike Handler.")

As promised last Friday, I have finally chosen the winner of The Great Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (sponsored by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend). Yes, what began as a simple gimmick to deflect attention away from the bounty Fyxomatosis placed upon my head has since become something of a moral proving ground for me in that it's forced me to make one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make in my life--more difficult even than such timeless dilemmas as choosing between Campagnolo and Shimano, or between "aluminium" and "crabon," or between using a compact crankset or a triple. (As for the last dilemma, you surrender your dignity either way, but it's all a question of how you surrender your dignity. Do you do it surreptitiously or with panache?) And my decision was made no easier by the fact that, after I'd decided upon a winner, I received an email from Slappy, who claims he sent me the following image well before the contest deadline:

As impressively absurd as this was, I resolved to stand by my decision. And one look at the Flickr page of entries should be sufficient to convey just how difficult my decision was. There were many strong (dare I even say "fierce") contenders, such as:



Thealphastate's "Lady With Pista Concept (And Crotchal Dumpling)";


Part 1 and part 2 of a gripping medical drama involving Hipster Cyst diagnosis and removal (which I've accidentally presented above in reverse order but which I'll play off as having been intentional by claiming I did it out of consideration for any native readers of right-to-left languages) complete with dialogue bubbles;


And of course this. (Those aren't dialogue bubbles.)

However, in the end, I kept coming back to one photograph that was so expressive, so incredibly obscene while at the same time completely innocuous, and so creative in its use of anthropomorphic bicycle components, that I decided I simply had to award it the prize. And that photo was Urchin's submission, which I like to call "Forking":

While I stand by my decision, my deepest regret is that I could only choose one winner. In fact, I actually spent most of the weekend watching "Sophie's Choice" and sobbing. And so, as my tears of joy mingle with snot-bubbles of regret, I hereby award the following prizes to Urchin:

The pie plate (but not my Rapha silk cravat, which you wouldn't want anyway, considering what I've been using it for);


This beer-cozy-and-elk's-tooth fun-pak, courtesy of Stevil Kinevil of HTATBL, GWCTOH, and most recently the new spokesperson for the NDC (National Dairy Council);



A Fyxomatosis chainring, courtesy of Fyxomatosis (a "Fyxomatosis" is a growth found on many fixters and is usually the result of riding slowly in trendy neighborhoods without wearing sunblock);


And, perhaps best of all, an actual Boston Whaler decal, courtesy of Bluenoser, which should look quite sporting on the oversized downtubes found on many of today's bicycles.

Also, if you want a smock, you can have one, though I will have to break up the kit.

So just email me and I'll coordinate the sending to you of a great deal of crap as a token of my appreciation for your photo of one bicycle fork and stem orally pleasuring another bicycle fork and stem's metaphorical "dumpling."

Speaking of forks, a reader recently forwarded me the following photo, taken in Hermosa Beach, CA:

What caught the photographer's eye was the fact that both of these expensive bicycles (a Seven and an Orbea) were not locked in any way. This does seem foolhardy to say the least, though in fairness to the owners I don't really know anything about Hermosa Beach (apart from the fact that it's the "Beach Volleyball Capital of the World" according to Wikipedia), and I suppose it's possible that it's one of those "roadie safe zones" like Nyack in New York where people can simply leave their overpriced road bikes outside the cafe unattended because the local inhabitants are either completely disinterested in bicycles regardless of how much they cost, or if they are interested in bicycles their own bikes are much more expensive than the garbage that trickles in from the city so they wouldn't deign to steal it anyway.

No, what struck me even more than the locklessness was the abundance of spacers on the Seven:


I've got nothing against spacers. Frankly, you do what you need to do to put your handlebars where you want them. But this is a Seven. If you're unfamiliar with Seven, they're one of those companies with a philosophy. And this philosophy is:

“One bike. Yours.” This isn’t simply a slogan. It represents the heart of our philosophy about who we are and what we do. And nowhere is this philosophy more apparent than in our manufacturing.

At Seven, each craftsperson focuses on only one bike at a time. Yours.

Unlike most bikes, which are produced on an assembly line or in batches—destined for a warehouse or a shop’s inventory—your Seven is created specifically for you. One machinist. One welder. One finisher. One bike. Yours. Literally.

If every Seven bicycle is built specifically for each rider, then how come every time I see one the steer tube looks like it belongs to someone who bought a small Giant TCR but should have bought a large? They look like they're wearing neck rings. And this is a relatively mild example. Yesterday I saw someone riding a Seven with about ten spacers beneath the stem, as well as a good five more above the stem for good measure. You'd think the sorts of people who are picky and rich enough to buy a custom titanium road bike would also be picky enough to want a bike that looks like it actually fits.

Then again, as Urchin has shown us, there is such a thing as fork porn. Maybe people are into the fork-wearing-a-turtleneck thing. At least it hides the hickies.