Going With the Flow: How to Evade the Drug Testers

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned France's fiendish plot to construct an undead bootleg Lance Armstrong, Margot from Foes forwarded me an article from the New York Times, and in particular drew my attention to this quote:

“I’m not saying anything about Lance Armstrong,” said Dr. Gary I. Wadler, a member of the World Anti-Doping Agency. “But if somebody had half an hour to himself, that’s plenty of time to urinate and refill yourself with somebody else’s urine. That way, even if they witness you urinating, it’s not your urine. It happens a lot. It is the rationale behind the no-notice testing.”

Margot was understandably confused, and in fact emailed the writer demanding clarification:

I think that needs some sort of explanation. Is Dr. Wadler suggesting that Lance Armsrong retired to the bathroom, took a shower and drank someone else's urine? How would that even work? Leaving aside that it just seems disgusting I don't think it would produced the result that he is implying. Does he mean inject someone else's urine into his bladder?

Now, I'm not sure if either of these techniques would work, but they're certainly repulsive. And while I suppose it's possible that Lance Armstrong may be hiding a few liters of someone else's urine inside the shampoo bottles in his shower, I think it's pretty unlikely. (Though if you do find yourself in the shower at Lance Armstrong's house, you might want to sniff the shampoo before you use it. That asparagus smell may not be volumizer.) It's more unlikely still in the context of Armstrong's comeback. Why return to the sport from a few years of blissful unaccountability only to sneak around in bathrooms drinking other people's urine? It just doesn't make sense.

Still, I was intrigued. While I don't think Armstrong was up to anything funny in the shower (at least not anything performance-enchancing), I wanted to know what a devious person might theoretically be able to (ahem) pull off in there. So I consulted the experts:




A-ha! That's it! The old "prosthetic penis" flim-flam:


As the weird old hippie burnout from "High Times" explained, there's a device called the "Whizzinator," though sadly it's been outlawed. I was surprised to learn that a number of high-profile personalities have been caught using the "Whizzinator." Here's what it looks like:

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(Prosthetic phallus is safe for work.)

Cunning indeed. Cycling folklore abounds with tales of riders who have used "sleight of penis" in order to fool drug testers, and even though the "Whizzinator" is apparently no longer available it wouldn't take much to fabricate one. The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company certainly has the facilities and the materials, and in fact I think a device like this would slot neatly into the Bontrager cycling accessory product line. But while it's amusing to think that when Armstrong says he's going in for some "wind tunnel time" he's actually experimenting with new fake member technology, I still think the risk of being caught with such a thing and the humiliation that would ensue would in itself be an effective deterrent. Plus, all the testers would have to do would be to bring Ashley Olsen along, as she would doubtless be able to discern at a glance whether Armstrong was employing a facsimile or the real thing.

But let's just say Armstrong was so hellbent on doping that he was willing to resort to a "Whizzinator"-like device. What would he fill it with? Would he gamble with someone else's urine, or would he use some sort of urine substitute?


I was particularly interested to note that many people shopping for fake urine are also in the market for batons, brass knuckles, various forms of cuffs, and tear gas. I guess if the tap on your "Whizzinator" malfunctions and the testers catch you knee-deep in an unstoppable deluge of "Quick Fix" fake urine, you've got no alternative but to fight your way out.

If all this talk of urine has made you nauseous by this point (I know I'm feeling pretty queasy right now), your nausea should only serve to underscore how absurd cyclesport's obsession with collecting and analyzing urine really is. Sure, you have to test now and again, but come on. I think even the most dedicated urinemonger also has to admit that someone of Lance Armstrong's profile is probably not going to resort to the sorts of tactics employed by 17 year-olds applying for jobs at Arby's.

Plus, all the urine testing (or urine) in the world cannot quench humanity's insatiable thirst for drugs. In fact, since nobody seems especially interested in testing me, I figured I could probably get away with using performance-enhancing drugs myself. (I lost today's Manhattan Bridge KOM to one guy on a stock Pista and another guy wearing bellbottoms and loafers and riding a three-speed.) Fortunately, there's a website called steroidonlineshop.com that sells all kinds of good stuff, including steroids, testosterone, HGH, and EPO. So I loaded up my cart with 10 vials of EPO, and since there's more to life than just winning bike races I also threw in some Valium and Viagra :


All that for only $635! Thanks Steroidonlineshop!

Unfortunately, after putting through the payment, I found this:





NEED HELP!! I Got Cheated by steroidonlineshop.com! FRAUD!

i dont wat to do now....i really dont expect that got cheated like that...the begginning i order they told me that maximum order was $400+ and then i spend like US$509.00...they told 3 working days will reach in US . It's been a a week never be here in my place. i really already suspect that something its not right with this website ...and kept sending them email many times until i can really gone crasy just waiting for them to reply me , but they really never reply at all ...i got cheated that's wat i tot..then after i realise that i search this website at google wheter this is a fraud website...then the answer was YES!!.. MY GOD! MAN! really i got cheated???? is it really happening????...... HOW DO I GET MY MONEY BACK???? I REALLY NEED HELP NOW!.............ANYONE CAN HELP ME FINDING A WAY TO SOLVE THIS!

Yikes--I guess I just threw away $635. Fortunately, though, I charged it all to Bicycling magazine, so I'm not that upset about it.

Of course, if I did have a few fistfuls of sex pills, I'd make straight for the Craigslist Missed Connections, where there's always some excitement. Well, there's usually some excitement. Sometimes it's more mundane:



Hunter College Bike Rack Helmet (Upper East Side)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-07, 10:28PM EDT

There was a helmet on my bike this afternoon...if its yours email me and describe it and where u left it...hunter college

Ooh! Someone found my helmet! I immediately posted a reply:

Hello,

I think you found my helmet. I left it on a bike at Hunter College. The helmet is camouflage and has a bitchin' rear spoiler on it. It helps provide my head with downforce on steep descents. Here's a picture. Look forward to hearing back. Thanks!





Actually, I have no such helmet, but ever since a reader pointed it out to me I've really wanted one and I figured it was worth a try.

Here's another Missed Connection that's a bit more salacious:



bike-riding adonis (not really) on 4th and lafayette, 3:15ish - w4m - 21
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-04-02, 8:44PM EDT

I was the curly-haired chick in brown boots smoking a clove. You had seemingly great hair as well and may or may not have been eye-contacting me; I couldn't tell because we were both wearing sunglasses. You were heading towards Bowery as I was on my way to Broadway. I think you might've been pretty attractive, but I was mostly impressed by your awesome biking abilities because I don't know how to do things like that. Maybe you can teach me how to ride a bike sometime. Or maybe we can just make out.
On a whim, I used a popular search engine to obtain an actual street view of the intersection from the post. Amazingly, it just so happens the photograph captured the missed connection as it took place:


"Great hair" indeed. He must be using that asparagus shampoo Lance Armstrong uses. Actually, on closer inspection, he seems to be the model for that crazy Aurumania bike:

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On even closer inspection, though, while he does have "great hair" he's also got a Ken doll-like androgynous crotchal smoothness:

REDACTED

Somebody get this guy a "Whizzinator."