The Indignity of the Internet: Twitterjacked!

Just days after I discovered that a certain online retailer is using this blog to market yet another inexpensive singlespeed road bike, I've now learned that somebody has taken the liberty of creating a Twitter account in my name:


I'd like to take this opportunity to say, "Hey there! I am not using Twitter." If you're reading this blog you know I'm wordy, and there's absolutely no way I could restrict myself to 140 characters per post. And naturally, since it's not my Twitter account, I can't access it. So, sadly, I must resort to graphical trickery in order to broadcast a message to the perpetrator(s):

Fortunately, though, things aren't all bad. First of all, as of right now my fake Twitter has no updates. So, if Twitter is sort of a modern-day manifestation of what Buddhists call the "monkey mind," then my own mind rests in Zen-like tranquility. Second of all, of the two people following my fake Twitter, one of them is none other than that guy from all the bike riding, Lance Armstrong*:

*Oops, I guess my fake Twitter is following him and not the other way around.

This is a tremendous honor. As you probably know by now, Lance Armstrong is a prodigious Twitterer. In fact, he's sort of the Lance Armstrong of Twitterers. I'm reasonably certain that when he reaches the top of Mont Ventoux in this year's Tour he will be clutching a Blackberry, and that he'll post an update that says, "Listening to Sufjan Stevens, thinking about bread." He even conducted an online poll via Twitter so that readers could vote on wheter his custom LiveStrong Madone would sport black or yellow brake hoods. (In a rare nod to subtlety, black won.) Frankly, I think he should let people vote on every aspect of his equipment choice. Really, who out there wouldn't like to see him ride a Giro d'Italia time trial stage on a Nashbar singlespeed 29er? Still, you've got to give him credit for staying in touch with his fans. Does Jonathan Vaughters let you vote on whether or not he shaves his sideburns? I didn't think so.

Speaking of Armstrong's LiveStrong Madone, I'm sure he finds it somewhat irksome that it falls so far short of the World's Greatest Madone. This becomes abundandly clear when you juxtapose the two:



I mean, Armstrong's bike has a bunch of numbers painted on it and stuff, but it doesn't come anywhere close to reaching the Madone chassis's full potential. How's he supposed to carry small parcels, or see what's behind him? Also, Armstrong himself might take a few cues from the owner of the World's Greatest Madone when it comes to looking "pro:"

Clearly, all that time off the bike has taken its toll. Maybe if he'd spent a little more time riding and a little less time socializing he'd look more like the guy on the right. Oh, and he just got tested again:

I've lost count of how many tests it's been for Armstrong at this point, but rest assured that by the time you finish reading this sentence he's probably been tested another three or four times. I strongly suspect some of these "tests" aren't even legitimate; they're probably obsessive fans who figure out where he's staying and then pretend to be testers just so they can experience the thrill of handling his urine. I also think at some point people may need to come to terms with the fact that he's not doping. Anyone who's seen enough M. Night Shyamalan movies (and managed to stay awake) knows that things are rarely that obvious anyway. If someone's doping in the Armstrong camp, my money's on Chris Carmichael. Now that's a twist.

But even though I had no intention of Twittering, now that my Twitter identity has been stolen from me I kind of wish I could start. It's like how those old shifters can sit in a drawer for years, and then as soon as you sell them you wish you had them. Also, I do a lot of boring things and have a lot of mundane thoughts during the day, and I'd like to broadcast them to the world. So I'd like to announce I'm launching a Twitter rival that will be based entirely on knuckle tattoos. If you think it's tough to compose a 140-character update, then try limiting yourself to eight.

My new social networking tool will be called "Knuckle Twatter:"

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Yes, when it comes to Knuckle Twatter, the gloves are truly off. This is two-fisted, bare-knuckle social networking. You'll thrill to updates like these:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

I really think this is going to be hot--until everyone defects to Stevil's bloody arm thing.