Forking it Over: Giving Away Your Bike

(via BKJimmy)

As I made my way through Manhattan last night astride the salt-splattered Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I passed the Angelika movie theater, where I saw something disturbing.

No, it was not "Slumdog Millionaire." ("What I feel for this movie isn't just admiration, it's mad love," gushes Rolling Stone. "It was a movie that I saw," says I.) It was, in fact, a very poorly-locked bicycle:

The first thing that drew my eye was that it was locked to a movable barricade. That in itself wasn't so bad, since only the most dedicated thief would make off with something that unwieldy. (Though it is always possible that whoever put the barricade there will decide to remove it, in which case I doubt they'd stick around waiting for the owner of the bike that's attached to it.) As I looked closer, though, I noticed that the bicycle was also secured by a single u-lock placed through the spokes and around the fork.

Now, as I proved yesterday with my ill-considered diagram, I'm not always the most spatially-intelligent person. Yet even I was able to see how easily this bike could be stolen. Sure, the thief wouldn't have a front wheel, but based on how many stolen wheel posts you'll find on Craigslist I'm sure all he'd have to do would be to nip around the corner and grab one from some other bike. In the time it took me to remove my boxing gloves (I always ride in boxing gloves for warmth), rummage around in my dragon bag, remove my camera, and then de-focus it for the shot, I could have easily stolen the bike myself. Actually, I contemplated taking it, but then I would have had to spread the fork and bolt it to my rear axle in order to tow it home. And, while I could have lined my pockets by picking up a few fares along the way on my makeshift tandem, it seemed like a little too much trouble.

Plus, the bike looked pretty crappy.

Still, it was no less infuriating. All too often we cyclists are our own worst enemies. Recently I saw a cyclist berate a pair of police officers because they would not stand guard in front of a patch of ice on the bike path so that cyclists wouldn't crash. As much as I like a clear roadway, the police aren't supposed to guard ice. They're supposed to fight crime, not nature. Yet here he was, treating them like they were the help. This might explain why people get tackled during Critical Mass. Similarly, I want to feel bad for theft victims (note to poster--it's gone), but it becomes increasingly difficult when you think of how many of them may have simply given their bicycles away. Fortunately, there are some people who do lock their bikes well. Here's a tidy locking job I saw not too long ago:



The front wheel and the frame are locked to the pole, and the rear wheel is locked to the frame. Done, and done. The saddlebag is ripe for the picking, though I'll give the owner the benefit of the doubt, since it's possible he owns an apiary and the bag is filled with bees. (In that case, the joke will be on the thief.) Really, the only problem (besides the pie plate) is the helmet, which hangs temptingly beneath the bottom bracket like a sap bucket awaiting a dog's urine. And if you think dog owners won't allow their pets to urinate on your helmet, you're mistaken. I see people let their dogs go on bikes all the time. Usually, they're so engrossed in their iPhones (the people, not the dogs) that they don't even notice. So if you think the presence of a helmet is going to make a difference, think again. (If your brain isn't too urine-soaked by now.)

Yes, it's unfortunate that we must secure our bikes with pounds and pounds of locks. Frankly, it makes me mad--mad enough to knock over a Vespa. (Vespa-tipping is, of course, the gentrified urban version of cow-tipping.) And it took all my restraint not to take out my anger on this particular specimen, which looks like it's just returned from the Veil of Kashmir:

And theft isn't the only thing we cyclists must deal with, either. We've now got to worry about tainted Clif Bars. Acerbic commenter and Richard Sachs detractor Commiecanuk recently brought this to my attention, and the news was more jarring than a ride on a Nashbar 29er. After reading this I delved into my dragon bag, where to my horror I found a Chocolate Chip Peanut Crunch Clif Bar with an expiration date right smack in the middle of the range of dates covered by the recall. Even worse, I immediately recalled the Clif Bar's erstwhile companion, which had been the same flavor and came from the same box at the store, and which I had consumed a few days earlier.

Though I had felt fine just moments before, I knew immediately that I was suffering from Salmonellosis in it's most extreme form--that being Psychosomatic Salmonellosis. The most dangerous thing about Psychosomatic Salmonellosis is that you don't even notice the symptoms until you look them up on Wikipedia, at which point they suddenly become overwhelming. I'm pleased to say I've since recovered--mostly because, after reading the latest Lennard Zinn column, I'm now obessing over all those watts I'm sacrificing to seal drag--but I will say it was a rough four minutes and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Something I would wish on my worst enemy is a date with the person who placed this ad in the Portland Mercury, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

I must say that bicycles are almost as useful as the basis for double entendres as they are for riding. If you read Lennard Zinn's column with the right mindset it can actually seem downright salacious. The loose bearing wheels kept spinning for some time after the sealed bearing wheels stopped...you are feeling the seal drag...a load on the bearings...gunk could get in those bearings...it's enough to make you want to grease your taper.

Speaking of salacious things, it turns out I accidentally left some entries off the Flickr page for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (Presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend). There were these:

As well as these:

If nothing else, the latter set should serve as a highly effective ad campaign to get people to put brakes on their fixed-gears. Also, she seems to be using Lennard Zinn's saliva technique for installing handlebar grips. Now that'll put a load on your bearings.