These Just In: Of Bridgework and Birdcages

Once again, I have been proven wrong about dentists and their supposed love of Serottas. An attentive reader (who may or may not be looking for crown and bridge dentistry) has just forwarded me the following:

DENTAL CARE FOR SPECIALIZED ROAD BIKE (BERGEN COUNTY) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/jsy/bik/737223724.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-06-29, 7:52PM EDT

I am a general dentist who performs a great deal of crown and bridge dentistry in addition to the highest quality root-canal treatment, cosmetic care,dentures,etc. I am looking to barter my services for a specialized carbon frame road bike, 54cm with a compact crank and ultegra or dura-ace. If you are a specialized dealer in need of the finest in dental care, please contact me.

I applaud this dentist's populist choice in bicycles and I admire his courage in eschewing the boutique marques so coveted by his colleagues. However, I don't think he'll have much luck. All Specialized dealers worth their Tarmacs have long ago had Zertz inserts placed in all their teeth by Mike Sinyard's team of dental technicians, thus allowing them to eat unpopped popcorn kernels by the fistful without even the slightest discomfort. He might have better luck scoring a Jamis or something.

Moving on, alleycat organizers have long been plundering pop culture for alleycat flyers, but it would appear that pop culture may not be a renewable resource:

(art by Jimmy in Brooklyn)

Indeed, when even the 1978 Édouard Molinaro comedy of manners La Cage aux Folles has become grist for the alleycat flyer mill, it would appear that the bottom of the barrel may have been scraped and the trend may have reached its zenith. No mention of where this may be going down, but if you're interested in taking part you might try the French Riviera.

Now back to rabid antidentites.

One Bike Too Many: From Buddha to Burgess

On Monday, I put forth that it's important to limit the number of bicycles you own, and I stand by my assertion. You can't have a bike for every ride, just like you can't have a gear for every hill, and the rider with a bike for every eventuality is hardly different from the celebutard who must purchase another apartment to house her shoes. Then, on Wednesday, I went on to criticize "The Climb" author Robert Mackey (who cleaned his front tire recently) for going to Europe in order to prep for his trip to Europe, likening this to "the dentist who buys a Madone while he waits for his custom Serotta to come in." And here, according to at least one reader, I crossed a line.

That reader was Dr. John M. Gowey, DDS. Dentists everywhere owe Dr. Gowey a debt of gratitude, for it is he who emails me to from time to time to correct some of my misconceptions about dentists. Just some of the things I've learned from Dr. Gowey are: 1) not all dentists ride Serottas (at least he doesn't); 2) dentists care for their bikes as meticulously as they care for their teeth (at least Dr. Gowey does); and 3) dentists love "Seinfeld" because Dr. Tim Whatley is one of the few non-psychopathic dentists in mainstream entertainment. (In that regard it seems Dr. Whatley is to some degree their Paul Robeson, or at least their Sidney Poitier.)

And I just thought they were just a bunch of sadistic Serotta-straddling maniacs. Who knew!?!

Anyway, with regard to my comment about a dentist buying a Madone while waiting for his Serotta, the always insightful Dr. Gowey had this to say:

In today's post, you insinuated that there is something wrong if a dentist gets a Madone while having to wait for his Serotta. What you did not specify was the length of time the dentist was forced to wait before the arrival of the Serotta. Now if it were only a couple of weeks he had to do without the Serotta, I would certainly agree with you that although it is good for the current economy, the dentist was exhibiting signs of excessive consumerism. If the lag time for the new bike was projected at more than two weeks however, I think a dentist (or even a non-dentist) is perfectly justified in buying a "gap bike" to help him make it through the difficult waiting period. You should acknowledge that if an "Orange Julius bike" is a reasonable purchase, then a "bike purchased while waiting for a new bike" or "gap bike" should be justified as well.

I pondered Dr. Gowey's email for some seconds. At first I was tempted to dismiss the very notion of a "gap bike" as excessive, but then I decided to appease Dr. Gowey, mostly because despite Gowey's assertions to the contrary and his fondness for Tim Whatley I still think dentists actually are sadistic psychopaths and I was afraid he might come after me. So I decided to allow Gowey and his dental ilk their "gap bikes," provided they adhere to a formula. I replied to him thusly:

I'm prepared to give an allowance of $150 a month. That means if you've got to wait three months for a Serotta or similar you can spend $450 on an old aluminum bike with 8 speed or something. I think that's more than fair. Given that, if the gap bike were a Madone 5.1 retailing at $3,019.99 (the Ultegra bike, slumming it I know but still a decent gap bike) the gap would need to be 20.13 months.

You may exceed that if you can recoup the excess by selling it (on the Serotta forums, where else?) but if you can't you're personally liable for the balance.

This I hope will appease dentists everywhere and thus spare me an untimely demise at the wrong end of some hideous dental implement.

Gap bikes aside, however, I maintain there are circumstances under which even one bicycle is one too many. Here is just one such circumstance:

This De Rosa was repainted by De Rosa in Italy. Previous owner had moola and up close the paint is stunning. To do the paint job justice, I built it up with some nice components, Phil woods, Campy Cranks, Campy brakes, Pearl this, Nitto that. I don't really ride it as I enjoyed putting the bike together more. That's why I am selling this one and starting another one. So I decided to post some pics before selling.

I think an actual geared drivetrain might have done this frame more justice, and that a frame should at least reach a certain level of deterioration before it's given the fixed-gear treatment. But hey, if your idea of fun is bolting track components to road frames I'm the last person who's going to stop you. And yes, building bicycles, however incongruous they may be, can be both enjoyable and rewarding. But it is also fun to ride bicycles, and if riding a bicycle you built isn't as enjoyable as building it, then that doesn't reflect so well on the build. Most dangerous though is flirting with addiction by endlessly purchasing and assembling components. This is something we all flirt with as cyclists. Building a bicycle can bring you joy or it can lead you to ruin, and if you're not riding the bikes you're building at least long enough to wear out a set of tires, you may be on a ruinous road. I would advise him to satisfy his need to build anew by rebuilding his current bike as a geared road bike. If the compulsion to sell and replace is still present, seek help.

Then there's this.



Yes, it should come as no surprise to anybody at this point that bars are getting shorter. It's almost as though stems are electric sharpeners and the bars are pencils being fed into them from either end. At this point I think the only thing keeping straight bars long enough to actually protrude beyond the stem clamp is the size of the grips out there on the market. This at least is ensuring that riders maintain a fistful of bar on either end of the stem. But once some fixed-gear rider has that "2001" bone-in-the-air moment of revelation and takes a scissor to his Ourys, watch out--that's when you're going to see some serious index-finger-and-thumb steering. Just imagine someone eating a piece of baby corn like it's regular corn--that's how people are going to be holding their handlebars.

This bicycle may also be one too many:

I'm not sure if "pengy" is a diminutive form of "penguin," or of "penga." If the former, it may refer to the animal this bicycle represents. If the latter, it refers to the organ which the top-tube pad protects. In either case, it wouldn't be terribly difficult to imagine Burgess Meredith straddling this bike and softly quacking to himself as he pedaled bow-leggedly away.

Worst of NYC Craigslist SPECIAL EDITION: Pista Price Is Right!

The PistaDex in New York City is currently at 650. I don't know if the market's going to crash tomorrow or sometime during the next decade, but for the moment there's no doubt we're living in the "go-go aughts" when it comes to fixed-gears. So with the weekend upon us, I figured I'd put together a little game show. Below are the four Pistas on the New York City Craigslist which yield the 650 PistaDex. I've blocked out the prices on each. Simply study the ad, try to guess what the seller is asking, and then choose a price. If you're right, you'll see the ad. If you're wrong, you'll see a roller catastrophe. As far as a prize, you'll have to contact the respective sellers--I'm sure they'd be willing to give you their bikes if they knew you guessed correctly.

(By the way, if you have some Rain Man-like ability to scan all four sets of choices, average them all in your head, and ace the game that way, my hat is off to you. I lack the basic math skills to come up with choices that will prevent you from doing that.)

Thanks, have fun, and have a good weekend.

--RTMS

2008 Bianchi Pista (Fixed Gear) with Major Upgrades 57 - $?
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-20, 2:03PM EDT

2008 Bianchi Pista with low miles and new Nitto chrome handlebars, Fi'zi:k tape, better chain, and new wheel set. The costume wheel set cost 500 and consists of: Mavic Open Sport rims with Grar Campe hubs. The bike is blue and in good condition.

Frame Size: 57

Yep, you read right: a costume wheelset with Grar Campe hubs. (That's an upgrade from the Gwar hubs.) That should help jack the price up. But by how much?

--$600

--$700

--$800

--$900

Black Bianchi Pista - Fixed Gear Track Bike - $? (Inwood / Wash Hts)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-23, 6:09PM EDT

Sick Bike. 57 cm. Pink Velocity Deep V Rim. Vittoria Pro Blue Rubino tires. Velo Plush Seat. Specialized toe clips.

Is available for pickup in NYC, Fairfield County, and New Haven.

This one's pretty funky. But is it funky enough to warrant an asking price below full MSRP?

--$450

--$550

--$600

--$650

Stripped chrome Bianchi Pista w/ Brooks saddle, nitto bars + more - $? (Wburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-26, 5:16PM EDT

2004 Chrome Bianchi Pista (first year Bianchi issued the chrome pista)

Gearing - 48/16 Fixed

Size - 51cm (small guys and girls)

This bike is in great condition, and hasn't been ridden in the last 2 years. The frame was stripped of all decals except for the Bianchi crest on the head tube. There are almost no logos on the bike, and even the brake cable was done in silver. Included are Specialized Silver wall all condition pro tires (brand new), so even the tires will match.

Upgrades include:
- Butchered Brooks B17 narrow leather saddle, cut down to look like a swallow saddle.
- MKS track peddles with cage and white leather straps
- Paul Components love lever (brake, can be removed)
- Nitto 36cm ridding bars chopped and flipped. The most narrow nitto bullhorns I could make (great for squeezing between cars)
- Specialized all condition pro tires in Grey to match bike. New, never installed.

All other items are stock

I'll be showing the bike this weekend in Williamsburg. $?

Some major work has gone into this baby, and the Brooks saddle has even been shaved down by hand! Plus, chrome Pistas with no decals are so hot right now. But how hot are they?

--$750

--$800

--$850

--$900

bianchi fixed/ track bike - $?
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-27, 1:13AM EDT

this is a bianchi pista track bike that i stripped of all the logos. personally, i dont like riding around looking like an advertisement and the all chrome and black looks cooler anyway. because it was a d.i.y. striping job though, the decals kind of smudged up the frame giving it a bit of a scuffy look in some places. (shown in picture.) it has a rpm crankset-jalco deep v wheels. it has a small front brake, easily removable if youre a bit more macho than me. the back wheel has a flip-flop hub,so you can turn it around and ride single speed on those days when you just gotta coast down the willy b bridge. the bars are covered with neoprene on the drops and cloth on the top. i have an extra pair of NJS stamped nitto track drop bars ill throw in. theyre about 80 bucks new alone. ? obo. unfortunately i have to let it go. times are hard! p.s. this was my everyday commuter, so there is small scratches from locking up and stuff, but it was well taken care of, lways inside, and will last you a long ass time if you take care of it too. i live in brooklyn but will meet in manhattan if you like.

Another de-decaled chrome Pista. He's including a bunch of extras, but he also seems to be under duress. How will that affect his asking price? He's already admitted he's not that macho.

--$450

--$500

--$575

--$600

Real Niche Sports: HBO Does Millar

Last night, the HBO show “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” aired a segment about David Millar. I always perk up when cycling is going to appear on mainstream television, so I made sure to watch. Of course, cycling only gets attention outside the cycling media when the subject is doping, and I knew this piece was yet another doping story, but still, like a virgin entering a whorehouse, I went in hopeful.

Now, as a caveat, I should mention I don’t follow any sports apart from cycling. I’m not a fan of unscripted entertainment, and to me watching a sport like baseball is like watching the “Flavor of Love” in that’s it’s basically a bunch of cheesy people with unfortunate hairdos being winnowed down to a single winner over the course of a season. Cycling, on the other hand, is lots of different events with lots of different winners. (Though there’s still the cheese factor and the bad hairdo factor.) Also, I like to ride my bicycle, whereas the only ball sport I like to play is pocket pool.

Well, I was disappointed almost immediately—Bryant Gumbel wasn’t the guy I thought he was. To be honest, though, the fault was mine as I had gotten my hard-hitting sports journalists confused. I had thought Gumbel was that guy from “Pootie Tang,” but it turns out he’s actually that guy from the ‘80s who was in “Gumbel to Gumbel.” I soon got over that, but I was disappointed anew to learn that the first segment was about women’s softball and how it’s no longer going to be an Olympic sport. Whatever. Softball’s just a watered-down version of a sport I don’t care about anyway, and that fast-motion underhanded pitching creeps me out. Actually, truth be told, I don’t care if they get rid of cycling in the Olympics, either. I think they should fix the problem of Olympic bloat by getting rid of every sport except the ones that cavemen used to do. The Olympics should just be about who can lift the heaviest rock, who can run the fastest, who can jump the highest, and who can throw a heavy rock or stick the farthest. Done and done. Leave the rest to the professionals.

So I fast-forwarded through the softball and went straight to the Millar piece, only to encounter more softball--reporting, that is. Gumbel, Cone of Smugness firmly in place, introduced the piece by calling cycling "a niche sport whose image has been trashed by a series of scandals and allegations involving performance-enhancing drugs." I really can’t stand when people call cycling a niche sport. Yes, it's not regarded as mainstream, but the truth is it’s actually incredibly popular. Not only is the Tour de France (despite itself) one of the world’s most popular sporting events, but participation on the amateur level is huge as well. Outside of an academic environment how many people do you know who compete in organized and sanctioned baseball, or football, or basketball? Globally speaking, who the hell cares about the “World Series?” If cycling is a niche sport then Islam is a niche religion. Cycling’s not a niche sport—Gumbel’s a niche journalist.

Gumbel then passed the Cone of Smugness to John Frankel. Millar’s story is already familiar to most cycling fans, but if you’re not up to speed here are the highlights as presented by the piece:

--Millar is now clean, and he wants to help younger riders stay clean too. He recognizes that "fans of the sport no longer believe what they're seeing."

--Millar talks to Frankel while having his blood tested. Frankel asks him if it evokes a time when he used to stick a "needle in your arm--or elsewhere" in order to dope. The “elsewhere” is highly intriguing, yet they never follow up on it.

--Millar was a clean athlete until 2001, when he finally submitted to pressure to dope. When he proudly showed off a natural hematocrit of over 40%, a teammate remarked, "’Why aren't you at 50?’...for him it wasn't professional." Finally, tired and lacking results, he reached the breaking point. A team official sat Millar down for a talk and explained he needed to “prepare properly.” "It was relief,” says Millar. “I was just tired."

--Millar used EPO, which helped him win Vuelta stages and the World TT Championship. Jaded, Millar felt "no joy, absolutely no joy,” and kept the used EPO syringes on his bookshelf--the evidence which ultimately damned him.

--We see footage of Millar walking a city street pensively in a black peacoat. During his two year suspension he says he disappeared off the grid and drank excessively. This is more intriguing even than the “or elsewhere” with regard to the injections. Personally, I’d love to learn more about the lost years of David Millar. It’s kind of like John Lennon’s “Lost Weekend,” or that period in Jesus’s life that’s not covered in the Bible, during which people try to say he went to India and studied Buddhism or whatever. Did Millar smoke crack with Amy Winehouse? Did he paint himself green, eat peyote, and run around the desert at Burning Man? Did he take a creative writing course at the Learning Annex? I’m strangely curious.

--Eventually, Millar rediscovered his love for cycling. Enter Jonathan Vaughters whose own Cone of Smugness is pointier even than his sideburns. His riders are tested randomly once every two weeks, year round, and five times more than those on other teams.

--Vaughters wants people to "go back to believing in the athletes for what they really are" and he’s going to "put it all on the table." They’re putting it on the table all right—we see lots of shots of doctors putting vials of urine on one while Vaughters is talking.

--Slipstream is a "culture shift" in cycling; they all live together in Gerona, which allows “teammates to police each-other." They’re each given a Blackberry so they’re "easily found for testing at any time." “The result is the result,” Vaughters says. “If it's first it's first, if it's 132nd it's 132nd."

Hey, I respect Millar for serving his time and ostensibly being honest. I also respect Vaughters and Slipstream for trying to be “transparent.” They're like a straight-edge band: boring perhaps, but their hearts are in the right place. What creeps me out though is this idea of “policing” each-other. Treating riders like a bunch of unruly 7th graders seems worse for the sport than an underground culture of doping. Things get “transparent” when you slice them too thin. They also fall apart. There’s nothing in the world that holds up to intense scrutiny, and you can’t dissect something unless it’s already dead. And why do people expect such integrity out of sports anyway? It's not something important, it’s sports. Set some rules, make some guidelines, and enjoy the show. Sheesh.

Then we go back to the studio and niche journalist Bryant Gumbel. He and John Frankel exchange a few words, and then Gumbel moves his glasses down his nose emphatically and asks Frenkel: "And yet here's what I don't get. The sport is in shambles for doping, and yet its greatest champion, Lance Armstrong, is still revered as a hero. Where's the logic in that?"

Smirking, Frenkel replies, "Lance would say, 'I never tested positive.'"

"Neither did Roger Clemens or Barry Bonds or Mark McGuire," says Gumbel.

Frenkel (smirking even more aggressively): "We agree on this subject."

Gumbel and Frenkel then look at each-other a bit too long, like they’re both savoring the same delicious pudding, or like they might suddenly start french-kissing, and then Gumbel introduces the next piece which is about a horse or something.

Thanks, Gumbel. We almost got to the end of a cycling segment without the subject turning to Lance Armstrong, and we almost got to the end of a piece of journalism without winking and insinuations. Didn't Armstrong retire? What does he have to do with this story about Millar and Slipstream? And hey, if you’re sitting on some good stuff, let’s have it! I have to admit, though, it’s pretty clever what you did there. You sucked people in by presenting an optimistic story about the clean future of cycling, but then you grabbed the sport by the wing, stuck a pin in it, and started plucking its legs off at the end. Still, though, I do thank you for the revelation that David Millar injected EPO directly into his penis. I mean, he didn’t contradict you when you mentioned that he injected EPO into his arm “or elsewhere.” He never said he didn’t inject EPO into his penis. So I’m going to assume he did. I believe they call that “niche doping.”

From the Tour to the Torrid: It's Getting Ugly Out There

The Tour de France starts a week from Saturday and I just can’t seem to get excited about it. And it’s not because of the incessant doping scandals, or the mind-numbingly boring transitional stages, or the fact that three weeks is a really long time to pay attention to anything that’s not an HBO miniseries. No, it’s because Levi won’t be there. Sure, Levi may be boring, but boring ingredients are essential. Flour is boring, but can you make delicious cakes without it? No, you can’t. Levi may be the plain dry cracker of bike racing, but sometimes you need plain dry crackers. Think of Levi as a big piece of Matzoh, and then imagine the Tour as a Passover seder. If I understand Judaism correctly, you can’t have a seder without Matzoh. It just doesn’t work!

So in lieu of the actual Tour I’ve decided instead to focus entirely on Robert Mackey’s “The Climb” blog on the New York Times. Sure, I may have been hard on Mr. Mackey a few weeks back, but I have to admit his dogged determination, his indomitable spirit, and his seemingly bottomless pocketbook have finally won me over. (And by “won me over” I mean I no longer have any ambivalence in my disdain for him—it’s now complete.) You’ll be glad to know that Mr. Mackey has just returned from the four-day Tour du Mont Blanc in the Alps. That’s right—Mr. Mackey has taken a European bike tour in order to prepare for his upcoming European bike tour, thereby breaking through to a new level of excessive expenditure I had heretofore thought impossible even for him. This is akin to spending a week in St. Barths in order to acclimate yourself for your weeklong vacation to Turks and Caicos, or to the dentist who buys a Madone while he waits for his custom Serotta to come in. Then again, I suppose we can excuse Mr. Mackey. I mean, he is going to be riding the Tour, and every Tour contender needs his Dauphine, right?

If you’d rather not go through the trouble of reading Mr. Mackey’s blog yourself, I’ve gone though the trouble of skimming it, and here’s a summary of the last eight installments. It’s kind of cute to watch him discovering things most cyclists have long been aware of as a natural consequence of simply riding their bikes:

24 Days to Go:

Discovers numbness.

23 Days to Go:

Discovers that John Kerry is the World’s Most Famous Fred. (As opposed to his counterpart, George W. Bush, the World’s Most Famous Barney.)

20 Days to Go:

Discovers riding in a paceline and learns how to eat and drink on the bike. (Yes, it's possible!) He also discovers roadie anorexia.

19 Days to Go:

Mackey makes the leap to SRAM, ditching his 12/27 Ultegra cassette for a 12/28 SRAM cassette. The extra tooth may help him get over the cols, but will he ever get over himself?

18 Days to Go:

Mackey can’t be bothered to rent “Breaking Away,” so he watches highlights on the internet instead.

17 Days to Go:

Mackey arrives in Europe. Let the Euros fly!

16 Days to Go:

Thanks to his Thule case, Mackey’s bike arrives unscathed, and he enlists a bike fitter to help him put it back together. Yes, putting a seatpost back into a frame and tightening a bolt can be quite difficult.

12 Days to Go:

Mackey may stop in London on his way back to Europe for L’Etape to buy some custom insoles.


Whatever. In the course of writing his blog Mackey may cross the Atlantic four times and the rubicon of monied excess infinitely, but I’m totally over bike racing anyway. As usual, the Times is about eight years behind the curve. Everybody knows that bike commuting is the new bike racing. I see more exciting cycling in a single morning going over the bridge to Manhattan than I’ve seen in the last three Tours combined. If you haven’t experienced the thrill of hitting the base of the Manhattan Bridge bike lane at a blistering 15 MPH with an elite group consisting of a young guy on a Bianchi Pista with chopped flat bars, a middle-aged gentleman on an dayglo mountain bike with thumbshifters and a chipped and yellowed pie plate, and a woman on a Bianchi Volpe with fully-loaded panniers and a blinky light on the back of her helmet, then you don’t know what a real shot of adrenaline feels like. Who will take the KOM is anybody’s guess, and the drama on the descent is twice as gripping. (My money’s always on the woman with the Volpe due to her ability to coast coupled with the weight of the panniers.) I’m seriously considering building myself a little crow’s nest and broadcasting blow-by-blow commentary on weekday mornings. It would make Versus Tour de France coverage look like the "Antiques Roadshow."

Even alleycat racing is totally over. I mean, how many fliers spoofing album covers, movies, and pop culture references can you look at anyway? With commuting being the new racing, I’m also in the early planning stages of a PracticalityCat, where the essence of commuting is distilled into a single day of grassroots competition. Contests will include:

The DorkStand (who can stay on his saddle at a red light while keeping the bike upright with his tippy-toes the longest);

The Splashback (contestants ride through a puddle and see who gets the least amount of mud and water on their business casual outfits—it’s all about adequate fender coverage!);

and of course the gruelling Bike Path TT. Bar ends allowed, helmet mirrors encouraged!

Speaking of commuting, there’s a new menace out there. Scooters:

(Born to be Riled: I hate scooters.)

True to their mandate of telling readers things they already know, The New York Times recently reported that more people in New York are turning to scooters in the face of high gas prices. Tell me about it. Dealing with moronic drivers, moronic cyclists, and moronic pedestrians is bad enough, but now we’ve also got to deal with the newbie scooter owner. This is a distinct breed from the Mod or Ska scooter dork of old who rides his two-stroke Vespa to the bar in a cloud of smoke or tunes his Lambretta so it can reach blistering speeds of up to 48mph. I mean, I hate those people too, but I hate them in the normal, friendly way that I hate any subculture that’s not my own. Every subculture knows it is hated by every other subculture, and vice-versa. In fact, this truth is so universal I think it’s time people simply acknowledged it by greeting each-other with a friendly middle finger when they pass. The world would be a better place for the honesty. “Screw your two-tone side panels and your Davida helmet.” “Screw your Deep Vs and your Chrome bag.” “Uh, wanna grab a beer?” “Sure!”

No, the new scooter owner is a different breed entirely. This is the person who has just bought a brand-new twist-and-go Vespa complete with matching helmet and hard cases and has just gotten comfortable enough on it to start splitting lanes, cutting between cars, and darting into the bike path when the traffic gets heavy, but not comfortable enough to actually handle the thing well and ride it without it going all wobbly. Suddenly this flaccid, foppish metrosexual advertising copywriter is on your turf—and he’s dangerous. A truck unloading in the bike lane makes me angry, but a Vespa in the bike lane makes me furious. Even more infuriating is when they come bearing down behind you. At first it sounds like someone’s mixing a margarita or firing up a vibrator in a convertible or something—then you realize you're not in a Van Halen video and it’s actually the diminutive whirr of yet another dandy on a neutercycle. These people can barely handle machines that have been mastered long ago by 90 lb. European women, and I hate them. If you want to break traffic laws, ride a bicycle like the rest of us.

In closing, I’d like to share with you something that made me sicker than even scooters do:

As I bicycled by, she turned, and our eyes locked - m4w - 27 (Fifth Avenue, Park Slope) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/731814855.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-25, 2:44AM EDT

As I bicycled by, she turned, and our eyes locked, one, two, three...

At the end of the street, I wondered whether I should stop. Should I go back for her, tell her our eyes had locked, that we might be meant for each other?

Follow my gut at least one time this week, right?

At the next block, the light turned red against the night. I knew this corner. The park ahead to my right, the bar across the street on my left...I stopped. I turned onto the sidewalk, a slow semi-circle. Would she catch up? Yes. There she was, walking this way, her skirt catching the evening breeze, her brown hair like streamer ribbons.

Okay. I'll wait.

The light stayed red, thank God. And here she almost was.

I called out, "Our eyes locked. That was intense!"

And she was here before me.

She wanted something. We were dancing, somehow, with our eyes, my bike, her skirt and hair.

"Give me a ride?" she said. The words were new to me, I'd never heard them before, ever.

"What?" "Give me a ride? On your bike?" She was on my left side now, about to clutch and leap on.

"Sure." I moved forward somewhere. She positioned herself to sit in front of me, yet sensed something.

"You ever done this before?"

"Given a girl a ride on my bike? No. Never."

"You think you can?"

Of course I could give her a ride on my bike. If she could get on.

"Sure." How hard could it be?

"Okay."

I opened my left arm, she climbed over the bar in front of me. She squeezed her butt back, almost on to the seat.

"I'll sit on the bar."

"You sure? I can move back."

"Yeah."

"There's a hill," she asked me, looking several blocks ahead at the rising pavement.

"If we can get to the hill, we can get up the hill."

She smiled.

She sat on the bar, lifted her legs off the ground...

It was so easy! Is that all? A girl sits in front of you on the bike, and lifts up her legs off the ground, and you can give her a ride?

She was light, a steady weight. Not super-light, but a real presence, a real girl.

I pushed off the ground, my feet on the pedals. Quickly I realized her body was inside my thighs, so I opened my knees wider, and pedaling, we were off.

Her shoulders brushed inside my arms, her hair and head was in front of my mouth.

I will skip the dialogue, since the thrill was all body. Her name was Marta, she was coming from tango, she was going home to 17th Street. My name was Alex, I was coming from the Tea Lounge where I was writing a little book, I was going home to 45th Street. I'd never given a girl a ride on a bike before. She'd gotten many rides, of course, how else do you get home?

What, no mention of your erection poking her in the back? You, sir, are Park Slope. I hope you are attacked by a swarm of Vespas.

Rotting from the Bottom Up: Whither the Entry-Level Road Group?

In all the excitement, surrounding Campagnolo’s announcement of its 11 speed groups, even I failed to notice that they are abandoning their “entry level” components. According to Bikeradar:

For 2009, Campagnolo is dividing its range into two distinct categories: the three 11-speed groupsets are deemed by Campagnolo to be for ‘Competition’, while those lower in the range – Centaur and Veloce – are designated for ‘Intense Use’ by people who may put in thousands of kilometres a year but don’t actually race.

[...]

Campagnolo’s entry-level Mirage and Xenon groupsets will be discontinued.

If you’ve never heard of Campagnolo, they are an old Italian bicycle component maker that used to make nice-looking stuff but now makes really ugly-looking stuff. “Campagnolo” is an Italian word meaning “workaround,” and it refers to the manner in which they innovate. (Think carving hunks out of their brake calipers and cutting crank spindles in half. At Campy, “ground up” is for meat, not engineering.) So it would appear that Campagnolo, on top of turning ugly, has also acknowledged defeat in the entry level/OEM marketplace. Furthermore, Centaur and Veloce, while suitable for “Intense Use,” are now not suitable for cycling if there is anybody around you who is trying to go faster than you. Again, ride Centaur and Veloce as hard as you want: just don’t compete with it or you’ll void your warranty. If you’re going to engage in that sort of behavior you’re going to need Chorus or Record. Or Super Record if you want to actually win.

So who’s actually making entry-level road componets these days? Not SRAM. Their lowest-end group is Rival. SRAM’s site does not specify exactly what kind of rider should be using Rival, and this freedom to choose is simultaneously liberating and frustrating. But since it’s called “Rival” I’m going to infer that it’s OK to use in competition (unlike Centaur and Veloce) since, well, it’s called “Rival.” Also, Rival costs about the same as Ultegra, which is considered a competitive group. But you probably won't win with Rival, because "Rivals" don't win--they just challenge winners. If you want to win you might have a better shot with "Force" (as in "Force to be Reckoned With") or Red (as in "Red-ress of Grievances," which is what will happen to your grievances in the peloton as soon as you bolt a pair of Red levers to your bars. I'm pretty sure that's where SRAM were going with that.) So, like Campagnolo, there’s no “low end” SRAM stuff, but unlike Campagnolo, it’s fairly straightforward and doesn’t resemble some kind of island castaway who’s constantly carving small bits off himself and eating them in a desperate attempt to stay alive. So SRAM is sort of the new Campagnolo, and Campagnolo is simply the Kate Moss of road groups—aging, shriveled, and trading on her former glory.

It seems then that only Shimano still dares to make entry-level components, which is hardly surprising since they dominate the OEM market. Shimano is also considerate enough to provide each one of its groups with little stories, so you know which one is right for you:

Dura Ace

Three key words have emerged as the theme for the latest DURA-ACE system: Speed, Smooth and Strength.

Unfortunately, that copy's clunkier than a first-generation Campagnolo Ergo lever. I think they meant "Speed, Smoothness, and Strength." But still, I see what they're going for--all those things start with "S." You know what else starts with "S?" Sex. And Shimano. Think about it.

Ultegra SL

The beautiful new Ice Grey finish will give the opportunity of even more beautiful and stylish road bikes. Ultegra SL features not only the Ice Grey finish, but also a weight savings of almost 100g compared to the standard Ultegra package.

Translation: it's grey. And grey is the color of excitment. And opportunity. And Ultegra gives you the opportunity to have an excitingly grey bike.

Ultegra

Continuing advances in human engineering technology stand behind road components that provide racing, sport and fitness cyclists with higher levels of control & response.

Ultegra shares Dura-Ace's engineering lineage but has its own unique identity, offering greatly enhanced feel and sleek design that's backed by a new level of performance.

I like the part about having a common lineage but its own unique identity. So basically Dura Ace and Ultegra are like the Indians and the Pakistanis.

105

Shimano 105 is a lightweight and efficient package which makes "pro-level" technology more accessible to part time racers and fitness enthusiasts. Shimano 105 is a by-product of our premier engineering range but has its own unique identity, offering great feeling and sleek design backed by high performance.

Translation: you can race it, but not all the time! Also, if you're reading carefully, note they snuck the phrase "by-product" in there. So if Dura-Ace and Ultegra are sausage, then 105 is hot dogs. And you know what hot dogs are made from.

Tiagra

Tiagra has been completely reengineered and remastered with a more refined ergonomic design.

Tiagra shares our top groups' engineering lineage offering greatly enhanced feel and sleek design backed by new levels of performance.

Translation: meh. Also, Tiagra shares, and sharing is for losers.

Sora

???

Strangely, Shimano has absolutely nothing to say about Sora. It's just there, like a cold sore.

2200

2200 components bring great value and features to entry-level road sport bikes.

Eureka! It took a lot of digging, but I finally found it. The entry level. I feel vindicated yet dirty.

So there it is. The bottom of the barrel. But what does it mean that only one company is making an entry-level road group? What is Shimano competing with? Well, quite literally, nothing. New cyclists want fixed-gears now, not low-end road bikes. As such, nothing is the entry-level road group for the new millennium. By the time the new fixed-gear riders are ready for gears, Campy and Sram are hoping they'll be ready to become "Intense Users" or "Rivals."

This Just In: PistaDex.com Launches!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Readers of the BikeSnobNYC blog will no doubt be familiar with the PistaDex, a means by which the popularity of fixed-gear bicycles can be measured. Well, now there is an entire website devoted entirely to this hot new pop culture catch phrase: PistaDex.com! For the moment, PistaDex.com consists simply of a single page containing a definition of "PistaDex." However, stay tuned--in the coming days PistaDex.com will transform itself into the definitive destination for all things PistaDex! There will be PistaDex forums, where visitors can not only share photos of their own Pistas, but also exchange wacky overpriced Pista ads from their local Craigslist. There will also be tickers which constantly monitor the PistaDex in major cities across the USA and around the world, so you know just how much your Pista is worth. Best of all, there will be merchandise, including t-shirts with clever slogans like: "You're spiking my PistaDex!;" "Keep your eyes on the PistaDex!;" and, simply, "PistaDex!" And that's just the beginning. So keep checking back at PistaDex.com like the the rat in a skinner box that you are!

Actually, I have nothing to do with PistaDex.com. It appears to have been up for about a month now, but I only became aware of it yesterday. To be honest, I was a little creeped out when I first saw it--it was kind of like getting up in the middle of the night to urinate and finding a stranger sitting on your toilet. I'll admit I was also irked at first, but after some reflection I decided I should simply help this mysterious PistaDex webmaster by continuing to supply him or her with ideas. So I drafted the above press release. I'm not sure what this person intends to do with this site, but I'm hoping that this helps spur them into some kind of action. Plus, I'd really like to buy a PistaDex t-shirt! Wouldn't you?

Oh, by the way, the .net and .org variants appear to be available if you're interested.


In other news, a reader informs me that there is a person in Nashville who will not only sell you a pie plate for $8 but will also install it for you:

Should you take advantage of this fantastic deal just watch out for geese--and now, for blackbirds as well! (Thanks Cameron.)

It is truly inspiring to see the avian community joining together to rid the world of pie plates. Someone really ought to start a website!

Multiples: How Much Is Too Much?

If you're like me, you've been frustrated by the diminutive diameter of your road bike headset bearings. Sprinting with a 1 1/8" front end is like balancing an unabridged dictionary on a sewing needle. And as for a 1" setup, it's hard to imagine anybody ever rode a bicycle like that. I strongly believe than any still left should be forcibly removed from the road, and if you're still riding one then you must be stupid, suicidal, or both.

Fortunately, the big bike manufacturers have heard our demands and seem to be moving towards a new headset "standard," this being a 1 1/8" bearing on top and an even larger 1 1/4" bearing on the bottom. I had originally been waiting for road bike headsets to go to 1 1/4" top and bottom before upgrading, because I'm convinced that's where things are headed and I think right now head tubes are in an awkward "Popeye's arm" stage. However, it looks like I'm going to need a new bike sooner than I intended, since I smashed my last one to bits Pete Townshend-style this past weekend after failing to win yet another road race due entirely to my outmoded front end setup. (Though to be fair my lack of an eleventh cog was also partly to blame.)

As such, I spent the rest of the weekend researching new bikes, which consisted mostly of reading reviews online while picking my teeth with a shard of carbon fiber from my freshly-shattered frame. One particularly attractive line of bikes is the '09 Giant line-up. It's got all the features I require: Popeye's arm head tube with a logo that spans both the head tube and the fork (head tube/fork-spanning logos are the frame URLs of the new millennium), enormous tubes everywhere else, and integrated everything. But more than anything else, what caught my eye was this:

Yes, that's Cyclingnews reviewer James Huang's name right there on the top tube. I may be wrong, but I'm guessing this is Giant's way of tickling his ego a bit and making him feel all pro and special while he's testing out their new line-up. This got me thinking: at what point to you have access to so many bicycles that you can no longer differentiate them? I'm not saying this is the case with James, but generally speaking wouldn't all these bikes eventually melt together into one big, sticky, sickly sweet mass of crotch candy? I mean, let's be frank: high-end race bikes are luxury items, and when you're constantly surrounded by luxury you may be appreciative at first but after awhile you get really comfortable, start taking it for granted, and eventually become addicted to the luxury itself. (I stayed in a Holiday Inn recently so I know what I'm talking about.)

I maintain it's important to limit the number of bicycles you have so you can appreciate the differences between them. In cycling as in life, the excitement is in the contrasts. So how do you know if you have too many bikes and you're getting soft? Well, if you have any of the following, you're probably there:

An Inside Bike

Do you have a perfectly good bicycle that you keep only to use inside on rollers or on a trainer of some kind? This is simply excessive. Bikes are for outside. Having an inside-only bike is like having an inside-only outfit--not a pair of flannel pajamas or something, but rather a flowing, silk ensemble with lots of embroidery. Who do you think you are, Hugh Hefner?

An A La Recherche du Temps Perdu Bike

This is a bicycle you keep only for nostalgic purposes. It could be that Paramount you always coveted in your youth and then finally purchased on eBay, or that Skyway TA your friend had when you were kids and then you painstakingly recreated vintage bit by vintage bit. Sure, if you're actually riding the thing I suppose it's OK, but if you simply keep it inside and post pictures of it on relevant internet galleries I'd argue that's excessive. When your stable of bikes can be described as Proustian it may be time to start thinning the proverbial herd.

A Fluid Bike

Last week we saw the dangers of having specific bikes for specific beverages. Coffee bikes, beer bikes, Orange Julius bikes--where does it end? (I admit I have an Orange Julius bike complete with handlebar-mounted cup holder, but I did get rid of my A La Recherche du Temps Perdu CW Dizz Hicks replica and studded leather halter top in order to make room for it.) Trust me, not every liquid requires a specific bicycle in order to fetch it. Surely some people are just some bike lust and a case of anemia away from owning a hemoglobin bike. Actually, isn't that what Astana rides?

A Doppelganger Bike

Hoarding is a dangerous impulse, and it's one to which all too many cyclists fall victim. If you're not a hoarder you probably know one--we've all encountered the guy who's afraid they might stop making his favorite pedal or something so he stockpiles enough to last him three lifetimes. Well, the hoarding impulse can extend to complete bikes. Some people like a bicycle so much they feel compelled to replicate it. Just in case. Having a duplicate bicycle is OK if you're a really good cyclocross racer. Otherwise, it's excessive.

A Fixed/Singlespeed Iteration of a Bike You Already Have

Many people who own multiple bikes have a singlespeed and/or a fixed-gear in there somewhere, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong though with the person who's got every conceivable bicycle and so he starts from the beginning and builds fixed or singlespeed versions of all the bicycles he already has. This is a variant of the hoarding disorder. You've got the 'cross bike, now you need the singlespeed 'cross bike. You've got the titanium century bike, now you need the fixed titanium century bike. If gone untreated, this doubles over on itself and you start building geared versions of your singlespeed or fixed bikes. Then one day you're just riding around in circles in front of your house on a bike with a carbon belt drive and a Rohloff hub, naked and sobbing to yourself. And I don't want to see that happen to anybody.

An Occasion Bike

A bicycle is a tool, and you certainly need the right tool for the right job. That's why many of us own more than one bicycle. But if you've got too many tools eventually you yourself become the tool. It starts with having a beater bike. Then a rain bike. Then a coffee bike. (See "fluid bikes.") Then a Sunday morning bagel-getter. Then a loaner bike in case your friend visits from out of town and wants to go mountain biking. Then a post road ride road bike. (You know, just to shake out the legs.) Then a pit bike. Then a pit bike for your pit bike. Eventually you're buying one of those Worksman bikes just in case someone invites you to a barbecue and wants you to bring hot dogs or something. Guess what? It's OK not to have the exact bike for every occasion. It's OK to carry hot dogs on your Orange Julius bike once in awhile, really. (Just don't stick them in the handlebar-mounted cup holder like pencils.)

A Grant Petersen Iteration of a Bike You Already Have

So you have the go-anywhere bike. You have the singlespeed go-anywhere bike. Naturally, you now need Grant Petersen's take on the singlespeed go-anywhere bike. Or do you? Just because something has received the Rivendell treatment by getting lugs and a really tall head tube doesn't mean you need it, no matter how eloquent the website copy is.

So next time you're contemplating adding a new bike to your fleet, stop and ask yourself: "Do I really need it?" Then ask yourself, "In the event of a fire, if I could only save one of my bikes, which one would it be?" In my case I know exactly which it would be. It would be the one with the largest diameter headset. (Or maybe the Orange Julius bike.)

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz: Special Palate-Cleansing Edition

(BikeSnobNYC: Flying in the Face of Bike Culture since 2007)

Wow, what a week! There was excitement, there was controversy, there was anger, and then, yesterday, there was treacle. I actually feel hung over from it all. (And it has nothing to do with all the drinks I had last night either.) Well, one of the best ways to shake a hangover is to go for a hard ride, and one of the best ways to clear your head is with a little mental exercise. So I've prepared a quiz. Read the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll see the item. If you're wrong, you'll get hit with a blast from the Slayer siren. Thanks, good luck, and have a good weekend.

--RTMS

Whose autograph did BSNYC/RTMS get in Harlem this past Sunday?

--Tyler Hamilton's

--Michael Ball's

--Bill Clinton's

--Kool Moe Dee's


Which is NOT an actual reason given by Campagnolo press manager Francesco Zenere for his company's move to 11 speed?

--"Why not?"

--"Cyclists are never truly happy whether they are professionals or amateurs."

--"The extra cog offers smoother transitions between gears, allowing competitive riders to maintain optimal cadence in a variety of terrain."

--"The 11th speed is in fact the icing, while the cake is the remarkable makeover of the three groupsets dedicated to competition use."


Clem LueYat earned the title "Master HairWeaver of the World" by:

--Pioneering both the "Unique Interlocking Hair Weave System" and the "Wrap Net Weaving System"

--Consulting with Tom Boonen on his male pattern baldness

--Installing Johan Museeuw's hair implants

--Weaving Johan Museeuw's flax bicycle frames



Which is NOT an actual quote from Aaron Edge, editor of the new book Rain City Fix:

--"The customization of all of these bikes and the different people who ride them is fascinating to me."

--"If this inspires someone else to not only ride a fixed-gear bike or check it out...just have a community at all of anybody hanging out and doing stuff and have a collection of ideas...the momentum of this book that's what I hope starts."

--"I gave him a call at like two in the morning and was like, 'We're doing a book,' and the normal response from either of us when someone says something like that is, 'OK. Tell me about it. When do we do it?'"

--"I gave him a call at like two in the morning and was like, 'We're doing a book,' and he was like, 'Dude. It's two in the morning. I have a job. You don't. Call me in the morning.'"




The above is:

--An ironic coffee bike

--A sarcastic beer bike

--An irreverent Orange Julius bike

--An indifferent Manischewitz bike

When does the film "The Love Guru" open?

--June 20th

--June 21st

--June 22nd

--I vibe hella and it's my classic peep during art history.

This bike, photographed by a reader in Boston, is:

--An ironic coffee bike

--A phlegmatic tea bike

--A sincere mimosa bike

--Fabulous!!!

Get Over It: Surmounting the Obstacles to Cycling

Recently, while checking in on the Craigslist Missed Connections (for the blog, I swear, for the blog!) I happened upon the following post:

MC with bike partner/mentor - 25 (Williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/719927591.html]
Reply to: pers-719927591@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-14, 4:37PM EDT

Posting here since I don't think people read the platonic section and everyone loves missed connections.

I am a 25 year old female, just bought my first road bike (!) and it should be ready to roll next Monday (getting fixed up this week). I am looking for someone to ride with at least a few times, from williamsburg to battery park (or at least to the east river green path) so I can get the hang of it since I am a little nervous, esp. about getting off the w'burg bridge in traffic and finding the green path. I am just trying to avoid doing dumb things that might get me into the BikeSnobNYC blog and/or get me killed.

I can leave pretty much anytime from 6:30AM to 9:30AM. I live near the Graham L. This is probably really uncool but I don't care... I don't know anyone else that rides a bike regularly here.

This is not a dating ad, so whoever you are: whatever, just be nice and not creepy!

Thanks!

For all my derision, the last thing I’d want to do is discourage someone from riding a bike. If anything, I’d like to think I poke fun at the things that are actually barriers of entry to new cyclists, and not at new cyclists themselves. I’d also like to think it’s a good thing that someone might be afraid of both winding up on this blog and being killed, because some of the things I make fun of actually can get you killed. (Brakeless bike-salmoning, for example.) So with the bike boom in full, uh, boom, and with as many young people as ever moving to the trendier neighborhoods of various urban centers and thinking of taking up the filthy cycling habit, I think it’s worth taking a look at the barriers of entry to new cyclists so we can steamroll right through them and get more people riding:

Fear

The new or aspiring cyclist is afraid of many things. Among them are: looking stupid; getting lost; getting harassed by automotive traffic; and of course injury. Sure, fear is natural, but when it keeps you from doing something there’s really no reason not to do it becomes a problem. Being afraid of cycling is like feeling guilty about sex, except one keeps you from getting on and the other keeps you from getting off. But how do you lose the fear?

Paradoxically, you lose it by accepting the fact that every one of the things you’re afraid of will happen to you. You know what? You will look stupid. We all looked stupid on a bike at first. We all put on a jersey that was two sizes too big, pulled on our first pair of cheap half-shorts, tied our sneakered feet to our plastic pedals with some nylon straps, shifted into the small ring up front and the small cog out back, and let our dork flags fly. Not only that, but every one of us, no matter how experienced, still looks stupid today--maybe not to our riding buddies or respective cliques, but certainly to the world at large. The fixter looks stupid to the roadie; the roadie looks stupid to the mountain biker; the mountain biker looks stupid to the recumbent rider; and the recumbent rider looks stupid to everyone. And all of us look stupid to the non-cyclist. No matter who you are or what you’re doing, you look stupid to somebody. We’re all a bunch of preening, posturing, self-deluded roosters. Embrace it.

You’ll also get lost. It will probably be raining when it happens, too. Yes, you’ll be a lost, wet, cold, stupid-looking person, and you’ll be miserable. But it’s not that bad. You’ll find your way home again, you’ll learn some new roads, and you’ll be better for the experience. As J. Peterman said, being lost is “the best way to get someplace you've never been.” And in my experience with being lost, that place is often in New Jersey.

“But what about the cars?,” you may ask. “Surely I should fear the cars.” Well, you should be aware of the cars, and you should know that many of them are driven by people so stupid they can barely operate them, but you should not fear them. Rather, you should know them and understand them. You’re at a distinct advantage because, being stupid, most drivers are easy to figure out. It won’t take you long to anticipate their stupid behavior in the same way you can usually figure out what your dog is about to do next. Oh, and don’t let them bully you. Ignore the beeping. A driver honks to express one of three things: 1) I want you to get out of my way; 2) I want you to go faster; 3) I just don’t like you. The correct response to all of these is, “I don’t give a fuck.” Drivers don’t honk when they’re about to kill you because when they kill you it’s because they didn’t see you.

“Yeah, but cars or no cars, I might get hurt.” Hey, you will get hurt, I promise. But you can also get hurt eating a bagel, watching “Night Court” reruns, or masturbating. (Especially if you attempt all three at once.) It doesn't mean you shouldn't do them. Lieutenant Frank Drebin of Police Squad said it best: “You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.” So go ahead, stick your face in the fan and get on your bike.

Fitness

Another reason people are apprehensive about riding bicycles is that they perceive it as being difficult. The fact is that it’s only as difficult as you make it. Unfortunately, though, most people are completely delusional when it comes to cycling. Many cyclists think that they’re just a pair of Zipps, a Cervelo, and a few expensive coaching sessions away from going pro. Similarly, many non-cyclists don’t bother because they think it takes strength, dedication, and training to be a good cyclist. The reality is that both types of people are completely delusional—the cyclist is much weaker than he thinks he is, and the non-cyclist is much stronger than he thinks he is. So just get on the bike and have fun at whatever speed you choose. The fitness will happen by accident.

Equipment

Any long-time cyclist has been asked thousands of times by non-cyclists for recommendations as to what kind of bicycle to purchase. And, because they’re cyclists and consequently compulsive and anal, they probably gave thoughtful, intelligent, and highly-detailed responses that flew over the person’s head like a pie plate-hating milking goose. This is because buying a new bike is like sex in that it’s impossible to get right the first time. Nobody can tell you how to do it. You’ve got to make your mistakes yourself.

Of course, if you’re considering a new bike purchase, you should do your homework, you should ask people for advice, and you should shop around. But you should also realize that since you’re not a cyclist yet you haven’t learned what kind of cyclist you are yet either, so you don’t know what kind of bike you need. Just jump in, buy what you can afford and what makes sense at the time, and try to ask a reasonable price when you put it on Craigslist six months later to buy the bike you now know you need.

Fashion

If I’m hard on the fashionistas and the gear whores, it’s because I think one of the greatest obstacles to new cyclists is the uniform and equipment it seems necessary to own in order to join in the fun. From the outside you’d think you can’t own a fixed-gear bike without having full sleeves and a HED tri-spoke, and that you can’t own a road bike without having an SRM and a pair of wheels that costs over $1,000. And in either instance, it would appear to the non-cyclist that you certainly can’t be a cyclist yourself without having the right friends. As a commenter said yesterday to me:

Let's see your bikes. Let's see your face. Let's see your friends, your music and everything else. No, that would be too much. Then you wouldnt have anything to write about because people could rip you to shreds.

Guess what? You don’t have to have friends or listen to music to be a cyclist. All you have to do is ride your bike. (Okay, and maybe own a floor pump.) And the friends, like the fitness, will follow. Some people neither seek approval nor fear disapproval. Cycling doesn't have to be about who you know and what you ride. It's about who you are and that you ride. I find it interesting that the person who wrote the above Craigslist post is looking for riding partners online because “I don't know anyone else that rides a bike regularly here.” Hmmm, Williamsburg is in many ways the home of “bike culture.” Gee, could it be this “bike culture” is not as welcoming and inclusive as it thinks it is? And could it be the "bike culture" is not riding its bikes as much as it says it is?

One of the greatest things about cycling is you can do it with 10,000 people or you can do it alone. And you don’t need to engage in the “secret handshake” of name-dropping, proper equipment usage, and wardrobe in order to do it. Choose a group, choose a fashion, or don’t, it doesn’t matter.

So after all this, why would you still want to become a cyclist? Well, if nothing else, you’ll never, ever be bored again. There will no longer ever be a daunting empty window of time in your day, as you’ll always have something to fill it with. Even if you’re all by yourself.

(By the way, if you're nice and not creepy, email this person and go for a ride.)

Strange Customs: Art, Bikes, and the Apocalypse

"The customization of all of these bikes and the different people who ride them is fascinating to me." --Aaron Edge, Rain City Fix

Indeed. However, let's be honest. Choosing between vintage Italian and NJS, or between black and pink Deep Vs, or even between track drops and risers, isn't exactly customization. If that's customization then I suppose I customize my feet every morning when I decide which socks to wear. No, real customization is combining disparate components and elements, making them work together, and thus creating something truly unexpected and inspiring. A real custom bike cannot be measured on the Sense-o-meter or the Money-o-meter, because a real custom bike is art, and as such it defies quantification. Therefore, a real custom bike can only be quantified the way art is quantified, in that the true measure of its greatness is the intensity with which it stirs your soul.

Having said that, I bring you this, which was reverently photographed by a reader:

I realize a bike like this isn't for everyone, so if you're looking for a more traditional "dream bike" check out Fat Cyclist's raffle. But to me, this magnificent specimen not only stirs my soul, but it whips it up into a froth, spoons it up, and puts a dollop of it on top of a caffeinated beverage and serves it right back to me like some sort of cosmic barista. Put this in your coffee table book, Mr. Edge! The pie plate alone would be magnificent enough, but in concert with the Spinergy it's sublime, and in the context of the entire bike it's achingly beautiful. Like any true work of art, this bicycle is a window into universal truth, and as such it is open to infinte interpretation. My own is that it's a tragi-comic look at the folly of bicycle upgrading in particular and the futility of materialism in general. Alas, my only quibble is that I personally would have put a carbon fork on there too. But then again, to imply that I could somehow improve this bike is arrogance bordering on hubris. Also, while the carbon fork might help kill road buzz, it might also mute this bike's cosmic hum.

After all, if anything is going to save us from the Apocalypse, it's art. And the Apocalypse is as nigh as ever. (As if Rain City Fix weren't proof enough.) If the fixed-gear phenomenon is a party, then the Apocalypse is still at home primping and trying on different shirts. But rest assured, when it finally does choose a chemise, it will be on its way. In fact, another reader just sent me this:

I'll be damned if that isn't a Fixed Gear Pie Plate. The picture must have been taken in Hell, and clearly it's snowing down there since the dreaded FGPP has finally manifest itself. Of course, I am the type of person who looks the proverbial gift horse in the proverbial mouth (even if that horse is an alpaca and it's breathing fire from its nostrils), so I'm a little disappointed it's not one of those newer, plastic freehub-style pie plates. That to me would be the ultimate. But still, this is not a good sign. Nor is it encouraging that the bicycle has no pedals. That can only imply that the beast who rides it simply puts a claw or talon through the pedal holes in order to turn the cranks.

I wish I could explain this away as a fluke, but I also received this from yet another reader:

Is there a death knell louder than that of the instructional video? This should look great alongside your other videos about how to play the guitar and how to swing a golf club.

Well, actually, maybe there is a louder death knell. It would appear that Time has published an article about the Messenger Mania event at last Sunday's Harlem Criterium:

It's puzzling to me why a magazine as big as Time, if they wanted to run something about a messenger race, would cover this instead of the Cycle Courier World Championship in Toronto which was happening at the same time. (Not that I begrudge local messengers the coverage--far from it--but still.) I suppose maybe the writer had a cutesy idea for a story and didn't want to travel. Also, the writer is probably angling for a Pukelitzer, which is an annual prize awarded to the fluffiest piece of cycling-related journalism published in a mainstream publication. (I don't think she'll win, though. Even with lines like "The pros had slick helmets, fancy bikes and numbers pinned onto the backs of their shirts," she'll still have to compete with The Climb.)

But the most noteworthy thing to me about this article was the following quote, by none other than promoter John Eustice, regarding his inviting the messengers to come race:

"I almost look at them as the artists colonizing the big race," says Eustice, who organized the event. "When you want to make something cool, you bring in the artists."

Indeed you do. Hey, it worked for Williamsburg, why not for road racing? Yep, nothing's cooler than messenger culture. Someone really should put together a coffee table book.

Too Much Irony, Too Little Time: The Elusive Nature of Bike Culture

In my first post yesterday, I posted this picture, and commented that the owner had more money than sense:

Well, later that day I received an email from the owner himself. It turns out that I've actually referenced another bicycle of his on this site as well:

In the case of the earlier post, I wasn't being particularly dirisive (for me anyway). I was simply comparing Fixedgeargallery and Velospace and therefore juxtaposing two Pista Concepts. But I do admit that the comment about the BMC came off a bit harsh. And, understandably, the owner felt compelled to point out that I had in fact mentioned him twice and that he had not expected to be singled out for simply riding his bicycle to a bicycle race. Not only that, but another reader felt compelled to comment on his behalf as well:

Snob,

The fixster with more money than sense was actually racing that frame at Kissena on Super Sprint Sunday - with lovely carbon fiber track bars. Frankly, I think it's cool that it doubles as his ironic coffee bike.

You actually commented on something of his before - carbon track drops with no tape on them. It turned out that they were special carbon bars with integrated grip texture in the carbon. No wrap needed. You got a hard-on for this guy or what? Two strikes!!!

I'd hate for anybody out there to think that I've got a vendetta going against anybody. (Or, worse yet, a "hard-on.") I mean, the truth is that I do have some vendettas going, but they're all against either quasi-celebrities like Michael Ball or just things that irk me like pie plates and people who lock their wheels and skid in front of you on the bridge bike paths. I didn't mean to single this particular guy out. As such, I think he deserves an explanation.

Most importantly, as I said earlier, the "more money than sense" line was a bit harsh. But, in my defense, it is technically true. Let's take a look:

Sense

"Sense" is hard to quantify. Different things make sense in different circumstances. A radiation suit doesn't make sense at the beach, but it does in a nuclear power plant. (Or at the beach at Coney Island.) Similarly, a BMC Track Machine might make sense at the track, but it's probably not the most sensible bicycle for street use, and that's how I saw the bike being used. I've created a Sense-o-meter to illustrate this:

The top bicycle is a sensible city bike, and the bottom bicycle is Theo Bos's Koga Miyata. As a city bike, the BMC ranks closer to the Theo Bos bike than to the city bike. Obviously, if we were talking about olympic velodrome use, this would be inverted. But since the bicycle was being used on the street, this is the scale that I applied.

Money

Money can be as subjective as sense, but it's a bit easier to quantify since you're talking strictly in terms of numbers. An expensive bike is an expensive bike no matter where you use it. To illustrate this, I've made a Money-o-meter of track bikes. At the bottom is a Bikesdirect special, which goes for $299.95 for the complete bike. (Represented by a half a dollar sign.) At the top is a hand-crafted Vanilla track bike, which starts at $2,800 for just the frame. (Represented by four dollar signs. Yes, there are certainly more expensive frames out there, but you have to cap it somewhere.)

The BMC Track Machine costs about $1,800 for the frameset (depending on where you buy it), and as such ranks pretty highly on the Money-o-meter. It is represented by three dollar signs.

So we've established that the BMC is not the most sensible city bike, and we've also established it's pretty expensive. But does that mean the owner has more money than sense?

Money Vs. Sense

Putting the Sense-o-meter and the Money-o-meter side by side and plotting a line between the two points at which the BMC appears on each, it would appear that the BMC track machine is indeed more expensive than it is sensible given the circumstances in which it is being used:

So, assuming the owner actually paid for the frame (which is likely though not a given), it's reasonably safe to say that he indeed had more money than sense.

Of course, I don't think the real issue is that I wrote inaccurately. I think it's that I wrote glibly. Simply saying he's got more money than sense doesn't take into account myriad other factors. Still, I don't think what I said was so bad. I happened to commute on my road bike this morning, and if I were to apply the Sense-o-meter and the Money-o-meter to myself for my commute I'd definitely have more money than sense today too, and I'd begrudge nobody for saying so. All the same, I suppose when I posted the BMC I could have said something velo-politically correct like, "This person is exhibiting an inverse relationship between bike cost and practicality for the occasion," but you've got to admit that's a little cumbersome.

The other thing that bears mentioning is the commenter's observation that the BMC is an "ironic coffee bike." The owner corroborates on his own blog that he did indeed have ironic intentions. This would not be the first time I've missed fixed-gear irony. I also apparently missed it when I got mad about that King Kog photo, which they went on to explain was actually intended as a joke. I'm actually concerned that I seem to be missing so much irony, since I'd like to think I have a decently-functioning sarcasm detector. I suppose the reason I'm having so much trouble is that I just don't expect the irony to be so darn expensive. I mean, I understand Judah Friedlander wearing a $10 World Champion hat, but $1,800 is a lot of scratch for some irony. Then again, I guess that's just more irony. Also, the owner was surprised I singled him out on the site, yet his bicycle was in fact a rolling ironic statement. My grip on irony is clearly tenuous, but to me that would imply he'd want the ironic statement to be noticed. Wow, this is getting confusing. I may need to take a class or something. In any case, I just hope he rides and enjoys his bicycle, whether it's in sincere mode or ironic mode, depending on bar choice.

While I'm on the subject of fixed-gear irony, I'm not sure how much is intended in the following video, which is a promotion for a new book called "Rain City Fixed:"



I've actually been in touch with the person who put this book together, and I congratulate him on finishing it and wish him the best of luck. I do admit I'm sort of baffled by the "bike culture's" compulsion to preen and model and to photograph itself and its fashions and thereby emulate some of the more disappointing aspects of the larger culture, but I'm sure someone out there can tell me what I'm missing. I'd hate to put my cycling shoe in my mouth two days in a row.

This Just In: RTMS Attends Media Extravaganza!!!

I make certain sacrifices for anonymity, and one of those sacrifices is that I'm not invited to very many places. Instead, I'm "tipped off." Today, I was "tipped off" by a certain insider that there would be a big press conference in Astor Place at 1:00pm at which something bike-related would be announced. On top of that, various luminaries would also be present. So, since it was lunchtime and the weather was good and I was curious about the luminaries, I figured I'd head on over.

Basically, what they announced at the press conference was that this summer, for three Saturdays in August, certain streets in Manhattan will be car-free for part of the day, a program modeled after the Ciclovia in Bogota, Colombia. You can read a little bit more about it here on Streetsblog and on Gothamist, and I'm sure now that it's been officially announced there will be more details available elsewhere as well. I'd love to give you more details myself, but unfortunately I was standing close to the luminaries and far from the speakers so it was almost impossible to hear anything apart from the street noise.*

*(Update: in the interest of actual information, here's the press release and map.)

And who were those luminaries? Well, Paul Steely White from Transportation Alternatives was there. (I told him he had a nice ass and he seemed oddly flattered.) Also, Janet Sadik-Khan, the DOT Commissioner was there, as was David Byrne (who I'm pleased to report seems to be recovering nicely from his drunk cycling accident), Mayor Michael Bloomberg (of course) and, of all people, Lance Armstrong. I was especially pleased that Lance was there, because it gave me an opportunity to give him my thank-you gift much sooner than I'd expected. (If you're wondering, he seemed very pleased with it. Who wouldn't be?)

As far as the press conference itself, since I couldn't hear anything I confess my mind wandered a bit. I'm afraid I also didn't take pictures of the luminaries, since as an anonymous writer I actually don't like sticking my camera in peoples' faces, even at a press conference. (Exposed buttocks on the Brooklyn Bridge notwithstanding.) And an internet image search will yield tons of pictures of all those people anyway. However, I did take some pictures, which should give you a good idea of what it was like to be there:



The VIP bike parking. I'm guessing these belong to people like David Byrne and the Transportation Alternatives people. I was forced to lock up to a nearby lightpost. Fortunately the policeman was looking in the general direction of my bike, so I had a false sense of security.



The press. The various luminaries are to my left. As you can see the cameras are pointed at them. That's why I choose to remain anonymous.

Car-free Saturdays may be green, but this press conference was not. In fact, it spelled "death" for the local flora, which was trampled by inconsiderate bystanders. (I'd have laid down in front of the flowers to save them, but they'd have trampled me instead had I dared to block their precious view of Armstrong and I didn't want to soil my Primal jersey.)

Oh, "The Love Guru" is coming out. It didn't take long for the questions from the press to veer away from bikes and towards boring stuff like this whole OTB business, so between keeping an eye on my bike and anxiously checking the time this is the sort of thing I occupied myself with.

So there you have it. Will car-free Saturdays be a success? Has Paul Steely White finally learned his lesson about exposing himself? Will Michael Ball's autograph finally inspire Lance Armstrong to accomplish something? Only time will tell.

And now back to Rock Racing in Harlem.

Showtime at the Apollo: Rock Racing Comes to Harlem

(Rock Wheelz--fast standing still.)

As I mentioned last week, Rock Racing sponsored this year's Harlem Skyscraper race, which took place yesterday. This meant that Michael Ball and his ectoplasmic entourage were in town to give us quaint New Yorkers a taste of some real Hollywood style. The action started Friday with a Rock Racing ride in Central Park, and continued Saturday when they reportedly arrived late to a Prospect Park race, jumped in anyway, and proceeded to mix it up. (It's possible they may simply have been trying to avoid paying the entry fee.) But Sunday was the big day, and Rock Racing did not disappoint. And by that, I don't mean that they won, because they didn't, but I do mean that they actually showed up on time. I was on hand to bask in the eerie, stomach-turning lime-green glow.

Just some examples of the style Ball & Co. brought to our otherwise dull and provincial lives here in NYC were a malfunctioning JumboTron:

A veritable armada of sickly green vehicles:

And real, honest to goodness California license plates.



(One thing they didn't bring though was lube--at least not bike lube. I personally witnessed a Rock Racing staffer purchasing a nearly-empty container of Triflow from an enterprising bystander for $5. This only a day after their Prospect Park entry fee dodge. Are these the first cracks in the Rock Racing facade?)

Despite Rock's presence, though, some things remained unmistakably New York. For example, what's more New York than getting kitted up in a bus shelter?



If that's not New York enough for you, then how about "Messenger Mania?" Yep, Harlem featured a relay race in which messengers (or at least people dressed like them) rode around the circuit on bikes with too-narrow bars carrying the full range of FedEx packing materials. (Including those triangular boxes.) The speeds were as moderate as the crowd's response. It was sort of like a kiddie race, but with grown-ups, and without screaming parents:



This year's Harlem Skyscraper drew crowds from every corner of Bike Culture. There were Camelbak-wearing mountain bikers:

Recumbent-riding weirdos:



And fixters with more money than sense.


Speaking of the fixters, they sure love their U-locks and will find any excuse to use them. This being a bike race, there were unlocked $5,000 carbon road bikes everywhere you looked, yet the fixters made sure to secure even the junkiest bicycle if it was going to be unstraddled for even a second. If fixters were cops and U-locks were guns then innocent people would be shot hourly here in New York City instead of just monthly like they are now.


At this point you may be wondering about the race itself. Well, this was a crit. So the riders went around and around really fast a bunch of times. Like this:



And this:


Speaking of things going fast, merchandise was flying off the shelves over at the Rock Racing tent. And by "flying" I don't mean like a frightened flock of birds suddenly taking to the air in the thousands. I mean more like a bunch of pelicans hanging out on a dock in that one might eventually fly off to look for a fish or something, but otherwise they mostly just sat there:

Eventually, after much riding around, there was a winner. Notice the absence of green clothing. I would imagine Mr. Ball was pretty disappointed after sinking a bunch of money into this thing. It's kind of like taking a paid escort to a party, only to have her go home with your better-looking friend for free.

At this point you may be wondering: did I meet Michael Ball? Well, the answer is yes. I went to Harlem determined not only to meet him, but also to get his autograph. Until yesterday, there was only one person in the entire world I'd ever approached for an autograph. That person was heavy metal homunculus Glenn Danzig, who I saw in the audience at a Metallica concert. He autographed my ticket stub. Here it is:

(Yes, that's the real deal. By the way, that Queensryche set was the most painful thing I've ever endured in my life. And I've ridden CX Nats.)

Going in, I realized I couldn't ask Ball for an autograph made out to me, since I'm anonymous. But I still wanted to experience the thrill of meeting Ball and having him write on something. That's when it occurred to me I'd never properly thanked Lance Armstrong for all the margaritas at the Mellow Johnny's party (nor properly apologized for the mess I made as a result). But, what do you get for a man who has everything? Well, you get him something he probably doesn't have, and I decided that something was a hat from his own bike shop autographed by Michael Ball:


Yes, that is indeed Michael Ball's autograph. (By the way, Ball is even tanner in person.) Please note the orientation of the message. That's so it's legible while you're wearing it. I like to think that Lance might be out running a marathon or something, and that during a moment of duress he'll be on the verge of giving up. But then he'll glance up at that inspirational message which will encourage him to push through and kick that much harder.

I'm going to hold on to this until I have a chance to give it to him. In the meantime, I am keeping it hermetically sealed in this plastic bag that my new bib shorts came in:



I don't want to risk even the slightest damage. This is truly a priceless piece of cycling memorabilia.

Happy Birthday To Me: BSNYC Turns 1

As Leroy and several others pointed out this week, today, Friday the 13th (ha!), this blog officially turns one year old. And yesterday evening, I almost got the greatest birthday present ever. Riding home through Prospect Park (past the bandshell where Isaac Hayes was getting set to perform) I spotted this in my peripheral vision:

Could it be? The culmination of all I've been looking for this past year? A pie-plate on a fixed-gear?!? I screeched to a halt, skidding so dramatically that the many fixsters who had assembled to catch a glimpse of The Chef from "South Park" gasped in appreciation. I whipped out my cardboard disposable from the pocket of my Primal jersey (I happened to be wearing the Mr. Mojo Risin') and fired off a shot, only to realize that, alas, it was a freewheel:

It was difficult to mask my disappointment. A few fixters came over to console me, but I angrily waved them away, wiped the snot bubble off my nose with my Mr. Mojo Risin' jersey, hopped on my bike, and rode away.

The more I think about it, though, the more appropriate it is that I was denied. (Also, Stevil Kinevil made me feel better by posting my Boonen art today.) My quest for the elusive FGPP may be quixotic, but in many ways it's what keeps me going. Had I found one months ago it's very possible I wouldn't be sitting here still typing on my one-year birthday.

In real life, I don't celebrate my birthday. Firstly, I don't like drawing attention to myself, and secondly I see no point in celebrating something I took no part in. (Trust me, if I had any say in the circumstances surrounding my conception and birth I'd have done a lot of things differently.) This is the same reason I don't post pictures of my bikes. I mean, all I did was take a bunch of parts and bolt them together. Sure, if I'd fabricated the frame, or been given some special custom-painted one because I'd won a jersey in a Grand Tour or something, I might be tempted to beam about it. Otherwise, though, big deal. Ride it, maintain it, get over it.

But the birthday of this blog is different. That I have no problem celebrating. For better or worse, I made this whole thing myself. So, like it or not, I'm going to indulge myself on my special day and take some time to reflect. Hey, it's my birthday! If you don't like it, go read something else and come back next week. And if you're reading this blog for the first time today, this is probably not the post you want to start with. Anyway, here are a few milestones in the life of this blog:

First Post

Ah yes, I remember it like it was one year ago: my first post. It didn't really occur to me at the time that I was actually starting a blog or that anyone might actually read it. But I kept doing it for reasons that were unclear to me and people actually did start reading it somehow. Not too long after that first post I discovered I'd been mentioned by Drunkcyclist. (Thank you, Big Jonny.) Comments started appearing. A friend emailed me and asked, "Did you start a blog?" I felt like some idiot who'd just started his first road race and suddenly found himself off the front. So I did what any idiot would do, and that is I kept my head down and pedaled my ass off.

First Post To Receive Over 100 Comments

In August last year I posted a spoof road bike review. I never really know how people will react to a post, and this one was no exception. But I realized after I did that it was getting a stronger reaction than pretty much anything I'd written until then. Lots of people seemed to be linking to it, and even now it's still the most-viewed post on this blog. In fact, it brought me to the attention of Bicycling magazine, which resulted in the infamous interview and the picture that may or may not be of me. I learned a valuable lesson from that post, which is that the best way to get positive attention from people is to ridicule them mercilessly. This pattern has since repeated itself, but it only seems to work with the blog. People don't like being ridiculed in person. (By the way, some of those 100+ comments seem to be from spambots, but whatever.)

Top Three Posts In Terms of Number of Comments

I don't read very many blogs, but on the ones I do read I notice that there are a lot of crap comments. Pardon me for being graphic, but if those other blogs were bushes then the comments would be pubic lice. This blog's a different story, though. This blog gets good comments. It's more like a bar with a great clientele. Sure, the odd douchebag slips in, but overall it's a great scene and I've never had to bounce anybody. So, since the commenters are a big part of what makes this blog, I'd like to look at the top three posts in terms of comment volume:

#3: The Post About the Stupid Times Blog (196)

This one's a recent one, but it caused quite a stir. By the way, with like 24 days to go Robert Mackey has discovered the wonderful world of penile numbness. That's why maybe you, uh, gain some experience as a cyclist before deciding to ride the Tour de France. Putz.

#2: The Bike Move Orgy of Smugness (213)

Who could forget that plucky, gleeful bunch of self-satisfied eco-nerds? Watch out--gentrification is coming to your town, and it's coming by bicycle! (And it's also wearing a Cone of Smugness on its head.)

#1: The Death Adders Cycling Team (214)

It's somehow fitting that Prolly and his crew should take the win by a tire. It's also strange to look at that post because I had a severe fever at the time and had to lie down like every third sentence. I'm actually surprised it's coherent. Fixed gear fever--catch it! (And I caught it all right.)

All right, this whole thing is starting to reek of a flashback episode. There are many, many things I'd like to continue to revel in, but I better cool down before I overheat and jump the shark. I just want to say that I'm really grateful to all the regular readers and commenters. There are some especially funny commenters out there (verbally and visually). I don't want to single anybody out, but those of you who read regularly know who they are. I'm also grateful to anybody and everybody who takes the time to email me anything (even if I don't write back) and for some of the people I've met both in person and via email through writing this blog. I know this all sound pretty sentimental and gushy. Trust me, I'm still as bitter a person as you'll find drunk in a Dumpster on any given night. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't find writing this blog very rewarding.

Oh, and finally, while I'm still in self-congratulatory birthday mode (hey, it's my gift to myself), if you're one of those people who's wondered who I am and how I do this every day, the answer is that I'm a good fucking writer. If your endeavor requires one you know where to find me.

Thanks as always for reading everybody. If you feel like celebrating this weekend, please have a drink or two for me tonight, and at some time this weekend make sure you take a good ride. I'll be there in spirit.

Ride safe,

--BSNYC

At The End Of The Day: The Wisdom Of Michael Ball

(The Ballstice 9000 Race Promotion Machine: half the personality, twice the gesticulating.)

As you may or may not know, former professional cyclist, race promoter, and soporific commentator John Eustice is joining forces with Michael "I'll Build My Own Wheels!" Ball to turn the annual Harlem Skyscraper race in New York City into an intoxicating festival of speed. I for one am glad to see these two personalities come together. If John Eustice were a beverage, he'd taste like water with a vague hint of something else, and he'd be packaged in a plain white can and sold as "Beverage." And if Michael Ball were a beverage, he'd be a sickly-sweet energy drink called "Ballin'!" and sold in a Capri Sun-like container strongly resembling a douchebag.

So perhaps by mixing them together we'll wind up with something potable. Not only that, but the race will be televised. (Though it won't be on actual television as far as I can tell.) But best of all, there's always the chance that Ball will draw from his rich well of "At The End of the Day" quotes. I love a good ATEOTD quote, and Ball is the Celine Dion of ATEOTD quotes. In fact, it only takes three Ball interviews to yield nine Ball ATEOTDs. (That's an average of three ATEOTDs per interview.):

From VeloNews:

...at the end of the day, what’s right is right, and Americans, the U.S. fans, know what’s right.

...at the end of the day, if you don’t have your athletes, if you don’t have your riders, you have nothing.

Look, at the end of the day, when you have organizations that are willing — or the government, if you will — getting involved in these individuals’ lives, that’s when I draw the line of whether they did or didn’t …

Anything I do in life, I touch. If I don’t touch it, at the end of the day, whose responsibility is it if it goes wrong?

From VeloNews again:

At the end of the day, we are all human beings, and we all deserve a second chance.

But at end of day he’s a good guy, and I have nothing negative to say about Frankie [Andreu].

From VelocityNation, on the eve of the Harlem race:

...it was just they weren't used to someone coming in there and marketing and branding. That's what really freaked them out at the end of the day.

Look, at the end of the day, this sport is in a transition and I don't think they can afford to continue to vilify and create this environment in pro cycling because, look, I'm the only guy coming in with money.

But at the end of the day, if these athletes do not come together, this sport will continue on with them having no voice and at any given moment, these guys will be outed and their career will be done, or at best, put on hold.

Rock Racing in Harlem brings some other enticing possibilities as well. For example, Ball has stated in the past he would send his riders into the inner cities to dissuade kids from joining gangs or something:

Scoff if you will, but I think some Marvel Comics rejects in lime-green lycra accosting children and telling them not to turn to a life of crime would be very effective. Maybe he'll even unleash his Green Swarm on uptown Manhattan.

Ball also has an altruistic side, and he likes to announce his charitable endeavors to the media in a dismissive, cursory, and irritable fashion:



Watch out, Livestrong! Ball's got cancer in his crosshairs. It's too bad the girls with the t-shirts weren't there, because a charity without a logo straining to contain a pair of silicone-enhanced breasts is no charity at all. I'm hoping he'll unveil another cause in Harlem. I know acid reflux could definitely use sexier spokesmanship. Come, on Ball, let's Rock Acid Reflux! I'm hoping that at the end of the day we can make that happen.

This Just In: (One) Less is (One) More

The bicycle/car combo above as featured in Monday's post has proven to be a lightning rod of controversy. (Assuming of course the lightning rod has a sticker on it that says "One Less Lightning Bolt.") Some rushed to condemn the owner, HW, for having an ostentatious vehicle and a hypocritical sticker. Others came to his aid, stating how much he rides and pointing out there's really nothing so odd about sticking a bike on a car once in awhile. And of course this is true. I for once certainly find nothing reprehensible about using a car to convey a bicycle once in awhile and in fact have done it plenty of times myself. (Sometimes you've just got to leave town to lose races, and sometimes you've just got to go mountain biking.)  It's just that this particular bicycle with this particular car was particularly amusing.  A crappy, be-stickered fixed-gear is essentially urban transport and a middle finger to the luxury SUV-driving establishment, so using one to haul the other in an urban environment is kind of like penning a vegan screed in pig's blood on a piece of cowhide, or spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to make an album with that "raw" sound.  But is HW really hurting the world with his incongruity?  Not really, it just looks funny.

Still, the only reason I hesitate to publicly defend HW is the following photo series, which is highly troubling and which was forwarded to me anonymously by a reader/informant. Contrary to HW's claims, I'm beginning to get the impression that these wheels have never touched pavement at all. (Though who can blame him--those Spinergys are liable to shatter at the slightest provocation.) Moreover, in every case the bicycle has a sticker on it decrying the very vehicle on which it is being transported. (You'll have to take my word for that.) See for yourself:

"One Less Shinkansen"

"One Less Hydrofoil"

"One Less Dirigible"*

*(I don't think a hot air balloon is technically a dirigible so I'll let him off the hook there.)

"One Lessus Equus"

This controversy is like the new 11 speed Campy, in that the more you see of it the uglier it gets. I just hope we don't find this bike in the back of a pedicab. 

Hijacked: Technical Q&A with Lennard Zinn RTMS

I have a lot of cycling-related fantasies: establishing our own nation with our own cheese; arranging a bike joust between Barack Obama on his dork-cycle and outspoken eco-nerd Ed Begley, Jr.; and of course the complete eradication of the pie plate. Unfortunately, all of these scenarios are pretty unlikely. But there is one fantasy of mine that's a bit more attainable, and that's taking over VeloNews tech guru Lennard Zinn's Q&A column. Sure, VeloNews isn't going to let me do that anytime soon, and I missed my best chance to steal his identity by not recovering his stolen laptop, but thanks to the internet (the ultimate tool for self-delusion) I can at least steal the questions from an already-published column and answer them myself on my own blog. So here goes:

Techical Q&A with Lennard Zinn Rip Torn’s Mug Shot – Time to replace?

Mix-and-match

Dear Lennard,

At one time I read in your column that you can change Campy 9-speed ergo shifters to 10-speed. Is this true and what are the details?

Guido

Dear Guido,

Sorry, Lennard stepped out for some Pringles, but allow me to help. My answer to your question is three-fold.

1) Yes, you can do it as long as they're not the old ones with the vestigial pointy tops. (Campy ergo levers used to have vestigial pointy tops before they realized people might actually want to put their hands there.)

2) The details are you stick a new shifty thingy in them.

3) I'm honestly surprised that in 2008 people a) still have 9 speed, and b) if they do would bother to “upgrade” to 10 speed at this point. Even though all you need to do is stick a new shifty thingy in them, you might as well throw them out because Campy is going to 11. This is a tremendous leap forward. It means: 1) you can have an 11-21 straight block; 2) those neutral wheel service techs will once again have to work for a living since not everything’s 10 speed anymore; 3) you can have a 20-30 straight block (in the event they decide to make one for some crazy reason). Also, best of all, it means that the Spinal Tap "it goes to 11" reference may finally be beaten completely to death, which would be great, because I'd love never to hear it in relation to road component groups again.

I should warn you, though—if you do go for the new 11 speed Campagnolo, it’s ugly. Really ugly. It looks like the bastard child of a Shimano STI and a Mektronic lever. Although if you’ve already got one of those stupid Pinarello Onda forks then the new Campy is a must-have if you want to retain that melting theme throughout the front end of the bike.

--RTMS

When to replace?

Dear Lennard,

I have two Shimano 10-speed groups: Dura-Ace and Ultegra. I've put about 3000 miles on both groups (I ride my Ultegra bike a lot more in crits and early season training), but I've noticed, aside from the shifting, that my pedal stroke seems "easier" and more supple with Dura-Ace.

So, I have a few questions for you:

1) What's the average lifespan of Dura-Ace and Ultegra bottom brackets? Do I need a new Ultegra bottom bracket?

2) Is there any easy way to determine when they're about to go (other than mileage)?

3) With the old spindled bottom brackets you could rotate the bearings by hand and "feel" the drag/crunch/friction indicative of a need for a new bottom bracket. Now, it's a guess based on "ease" of spinning the cranks, and that can be dependent upon bearing load?

4) Do you know the bearing-loading values for Dura-Ace and Ultegra bottom brackets (would I use a torque wrench for that)?

5) Have you heard of or had experience with the bearing overhaul kit, which I believe is made by Phil Wood?

Mark

Hi, Mark. Sorry, Lennard stepped out to take his ferret for a walk, but allow me to help. The reason your Dura-Ace feels "easier" and "more supple" is that you paid more for it. I always find it puzzling that people reserve Dura-Ace for the fair weather race bike, and use Ultegra or lower for the rain bike or beater bike. Since Dura-Ace is the best, wouldn't that be the logical choice for adverse conditions, since theoretically it should hold up better? I mean, it has "Dura" in the name. At any rate, to answer your questions:

1) You can kill a bottom bracket in about 35 seconds by installing it improperly, yet it can live nearly forever if you rarely use it. (Barring nuclear catastrophe, asteroids colliding with the Earth, Fixed-Gear Apocalypse, and so on.) So by averaging 35 seconds and 100,000 years, I come up with 1,567,800,000,018 seconds. So that is the average lifespan of your bottom bracket. Do you need a new Ultegra unit? If you're somewhere inside that window, maybe.

2) Get two mixing bowls. Fill one with plain yogurt, and the other with macaroni and cheese at room temperature. Place a wooden spoon in each. Then, remove the chain from your front chainrings and spin your crank. Next, stir each bowl with the wooden spoon. Which bowl does your crank most feel like when turned? If it feels more like the bowl filled with plain yogurt, then it's got anywhere from tens to trillions of seconds to go. If it feels more like the bowl of mac and cheese, consider replacement.

3) It can. Really, are you honestly this obsessed with bottom brackets?

4) No, I don't. Who cares? Yes, you would use a torque wrench for that--if you're a gigantic dork. I mean, using a torque wrench on the actual cups is one thing, but for the preload?!? Do you use a torque wrench to turn off your faucet, or to flush your toilet, or to replace the lid on your half-drunk Snapple? Take a risk!!! How wrong can you really go here?

5) Are you really obsessed to the point that you're ready to give money to Phil Wood? Patronizing Phil Wood is like going to an expensive therapist--this is an entire company based on assuaging the anal and neurotic. Take any normal, properly-funcioning component, like your bottom bracket. Even though it's perfectly fine and more or less incapable of failing catastrophically, you're checking it every day, writing letters to VeloNews, and waiting for it to fail like some kind of nutcase hunkering in a basement bracing yourself for a hurricane that's never going to come. Well, thank goodness for you there's Phil. What they do is make essentially the same exact thing you already have but charge you about three times as much for it because it has a special oil in it. (Or, they make some kind of "overhaul kit" for what you already have that essentially replaces the internals with the same thing. It’s like getting a heart transplant you don’t need.) That way, you can relax, knowing you paid for the "best." So, yeah, if you can't sleep at night due to the fear that your bottom bracket might explode in the night and take you with it, by all means, buy the Phil Wood thing.

--RTMS


Regarding rolling resistance of clinchers v. tubulars discussed in a prior column:

Dear Lennard,

I suggest you look at biketechreview.com. The range of the Coefficient of Rolling Resistance (Crr) for tires in the test, performed on a PVC drum, are similar to the range of Crr for clinchers and tubulars in the Chester Kyle study, published in Bicycling, May 1985. The Kyle study was done on smooth asphalt and low speed trike.

It is obvious that the steel drum used in the Tour magazine study magnifies the differences between tires, the question is how much. Tubulars do not perform well on a steel drum because of the small contact area and the resultant squirming or glue compression. The difference on the road is minimal. In a test done by Triathlon magazine (September 2006), the same six sewups, eight clinchers were tested on both a concrete indoor track and a steel drum. After adjusting for tire load and speed, the range of variability (defined in watts) for the six sewups on the drum was 2.24 times higher (my calculation) than on concrete. For clinchers the range of variability was 1.76 times.

Bottom Line: "Rolling resistance is very close on smooth road surfaces between clinchers and tubulars. Individual tires of either group may have better or worse rolling resistance".

Terry

Hi, Terry. Sorry, Lennard stepped out to enter a Peter Coyote look-alike contest, but allow me to help. Firstly, I couldn’t and didn’t read that. Secondly, are you still seriously confused about the difference between tubulars and clinchers? One involves glue, one doesn't. Take your pick. The real difference is in the rims, not the tires. Tubular rims and clincher rims have different weight and performance characteristics. If you want to use tubular rims, use tubular tires. If you want to use clincher rims, use clincher tires. If you're unsure, use one tubular wheel and one clincher wheel. That way you can't lose. Come on, do you decide between a sports car and a speedboat by comparing the ergonomics of the steering wheels?

--RTMS

Regarding orthotic construction from a previous column, I received some feedback about different approaches:

Dear Lennard,

I am a podiatrist and the pedorthotist's response to proper casting technique for custom orthotics is off-base.

Semi-weight-bearing casting defeats the purpose of creating a properly supportive device. It's difficult to be consistent between patients when utilizing this technique and one should simply use a heat moldable device if this approach is to be used. Yes, the foot compresses and the "arch" lowers and if done properly a non-weight-bearing casting simulating weight bearing by slight loading of the foot in its "neutral" position is the correct way to cast a patient.

Instructions can be given for "posting" of the devices if additional correction is needed. The foam impressions are a quick and easy way to cast but simply does not capture the true simulated semi-weight-bearing that is needed. Also, full-length devices may be appropriate, but if room is needed in the toe box area, a 3/4 cut top cover can be applied to the device without sacrificing any support supplied by the orthotic.

S.C. MurphyDPM

Dear Lennard,

Thanks for addressing the orthotic question. I enjoyed the article and comments by Russel Bollig.

No doubt he has the experience and athletes to stand behind what he says. Because I'm a cyclist and a health provider, I can appreciate the value of orthotics in a cycling shoe. You might say it's the reason I'm still training and racing.

I would, however, like to add a couple comments. I've been making cycling orthotics for a few years now using a neutral, non-weight-bearing cast, which has benefits worthy of mention. In my experience it's not so much about the arch as much as it is a combination of addressing the forefoot/rearfoot relationship, as well as the arch.

The craftsmanship you mentioned required to modify a positive cast's arch to address soft-tissue displacement really isn't a difficult task for an experienced tech, as it involves much less guesswork. I don't have any issues with this step, especially because there are so many benefits to a non-weight-bearing cast.

Because the forefoot/rearfoot is better captured with non-weight-bearing casts, it's much easier to post the forefoot accordingly for the patient's needs. Proper forefoot alignment is what in my experience really makes the difference in proper knee alignment while pedaling, also the basis for Paul Swift's BigMeat wedges.

For a more complete article, please read a recent article I wrote.

Dr. Rich Cimadoro

Sorry, Lennard stepped out to claim his third-place prize in a Peter Coyote look-alike contest. (A bucket of wings from KFC if you're wondering.) Orthotics aside, since you're both doctors, can I ask you guys a question? Just testing out a personal theory. Does either one of you ride a Serotta? I'm guessing at least one of you does. Am I right? Also, theoretically, can the casting techniques you describe be employed in penis gourd fabrication? I was intrigued by the reference to "Big Meat."

--RTMS

Worst of Craigslist: Full-Blown Pornographic Bike Love

There's little question we are living in trying times. Cellphones are popping popcorn. (Though nobody's sure if it's the microwaves or the cheesy ringtones.) Tom Boonen is on cocaine. (As if the EuroHawk didn't give it away.) And a certain person who's really strong but never wins races is actually winning races. (Click here for the spoiler.) So amid all this strife, where can the troubled cyclist turn? Why, Craigslist of course, where love and romance spring eternal. Here's the latest spewage from that septic geyser:

Glad you wear a helmet, but you should really get blinky lights! - m4w - 27 (Kent under the bklyn bridge) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/711965266.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-06-08, 3:28AM EDT

Hey you!

I was biking around 3am on this Saturday night, going home all buzzed and happy from dancing, standing up on the pedals to catch that breeze and keep cool, when I saw you ahead of me.

I thought to myself, "man it totally sucks that I would be a total creep to talk to this girl while we're riding!" Thus decided, I passed you without comment. (Though I was thinking "HI! I'm drunk. I love biking drunk. La la la" and "Man, I'm glad that girl is wearing a helmet, but she needs some lights! Safety first.") But yes, I forced myself to not be weird and talk to you.

Until you greeted me with a simple "sup!"

I looked back and there you were, black dress, basket, happily biking along. :) I managed to say "hey!!!!" and then biked away, afraid to appear weird by starting a conversation.

But here I am, home, and I can't get you out of my head. Even if you never write back, go you for actually being friendly! But if you do see this... do you want to go fly kites in the park and bike to the beach?

Bye~

Hey you! You know, I'm not one of these people who whines about the gentrification of New York City, and I suspect that many of those who do complain about it weren't around to experience the theft, violence, and urine first-hand. (Well, the urine's still around, so you can sample that all you want.) That said, there is a price to pay for a better quality of life, and that price comes in the form of giddy, puckish, whimsical, kite-flying dandies like you. Tragically, now that the sharp corners have been padded and the electrical outlets have been child-proofed, Brooklyn has become a giant romper room for latent adolescents who are free to traipse about at all hours unmolested. So I find myself conflicted. I don't want another crime wave, yet I do want one to come crashing down on you like a tsunami on a big wave surfer. Really, there are places where you're actually supposed to act like a 17 year old when you're 27, and those places are all in California. So please, go there, take your parents' financial assistance with you, and let the rents come back down for the grown-ups who have to work for a living.

guy on light blue bike - w4m - 20 (potions cafe) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/711613207.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-07, 6:56PM EDT

i was sitting in the window of potions cafe and snuck many peeks at you as you we're getting on your bike across the street. you had an extra green frame over your chrome bag. there's nothing to write really. just thought you were handsome.....that's all :)

Since the famous Bust magazine piece, male fixed-gear riders all over Brooklyn are feigning mechanical ineptitude in the hopes that their distress might lead to full-on pornographic scenarios. And logically, if a simple flat-fix can result in coitus between two Dumpsters, then imagine the possibilities inherent in a complete parts swap to a new frame! This is surely why this fellow is carrying an extra. Are the bike shops of today the sex clubs of tomorrow? Is the bike boom the next sexual revolution? Are we close to a day when the streets will be lined with Park Tool repair stands and couples performing overtly erotic repairs? Very possibly. In light of this I urge you to pick your bike porn name immediately.

Unfortunately this particular poster did not get the hint. Hopefully though she did at least enjoy the tea at Potions, which according to their Myspace page is "hand crafted by real people in China, India, and other nations." There are real people in China, India and other nations? Who knew?!?

Asian Yellow Cab Driver - Last Night - w4m - 26 (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/711004033.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-07, 9:44AM EDT

You are bald, round headed, cute baby face, americanized, glasses, white t-shirt, driving a yellow cab around 11pm last night.

We saw each other but then you looked away to let the passengers in.
You drove off taking a quick glance at me before you past.

I was gonna hop in your cab and flirt with you since I was drunk.
I was at 28th st and 10th ave.

I am 5'5 , white girl, blonde hair, pothead, and drink a bit.
I love to rollerblade, bike, jog, movies, and getting high.

Please get back to me as all my dates are jerks and assholes and all they want is to get me drunk then date rape me.

All these guys act so friendly and nice and its disgusting to really get to know them.

Really, who doesn't love to movies and getting high? It's a good thing she specified she's a pothead, because I don't think I would have figured it out otherwise. The end of the post certainly does take a troubling turn, though. It could be that the nascent sexual revolution has already turned ugly. I'm guessing there are too many mixed messages out there. Help a fellow with his bike and next thing you know he's urging you towards some refuse containers. Come on, men, sometimes a flat-fix is just a flat-fix.

Jamie Favaro who won the Great NYC Commuter Race - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/705922274.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-03, 9:03AM EDT

You are cute and fast, will you go out with me? We can talk about the NYC Complete Streets Plan and you can help me learn how to ride my bike a little better.

It's been said that the winner of the Great NYC Commuter Race gets to write her own ticket, and that's proving to be true once again. Whether Jamie uses that ticket to start a coaching service, or to start dating anonymous internet stalkers, or some combination thereof, remains to be seen. Just be careful, Jamie. There are a lot of creeps out there. (See above.)

riding my bike...the look back - w4m (williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/705229590.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-02, 6:05PM EDT

me: riding my white and pink vintage schwinn fiesta...with my blond red bike buddy
you: at your house. long hair. glam rock with a little hipster in it. just woke up behind a fence?

oh the sundays!

anyways caught you looking bc i couldn't stop...

i rode by
...should have rode back
...hi my name is...

Awww, yeah. Okay, this clinches it. In the 70s we saw an energy crisis, a bike boom, and a porn explosion. In the oughts or whatever we're in now we're seeing an energy crisis, a bike boom, and a porn explosion. Except this one seems to involve Williamsburg and quasi-homeless people. Still, though, I think if you found someone who had accidentally been locked in a freezer in some Brooklyn basement in the 70s and thawed him out today he'd have no idea anything had changed. Even his moustache would still be in style. (Though he wouldn't realize it was ironic now.)

Outside of bike store on Grand and Berry Sunday around noon - m4w (Williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/703876071.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-01, 6:18PM EDT

There you were, backlit and smiling as you walked past my friends and I, the masterful bike technician, inflating my friends bike tires. You caught me staring and presenting uncharacteristic whim when I returned the smile. Maybe you were lost or wanted another pass at my buns of steel, but you came around once more while I was moving on to the back tire. Possibly the longest bike inflation of my life, I wanted to say hello when you were certain of your first direction but unsure how to manage passing for a third time.

You are an earthy, silk skinned brunette, a delightful woman wearing a long cotton dress and inviting burgundy lips. Maybe we can go for an aimless walk together or volunteer our time to a recycling plant, or maybe a drink.

I am 5'10" with short black hair and Jewish\Greek features. Think dionysus mixed with lance armstrong. Everything but the belly schvetting.

It's official: the World's Smarmiest Cyclist is on the move--and on the make--in Brooklyn. Ladies, if you're looking, you can find him clad in the coveted Maillot Douche and feigning sexual acts on friends' bicycles as you pass. Indeed, the bike boom/sexual revolution has found its Ron Jeremy. I picture him wearing a pair of threadbare Nashbar half-shorts and pedaling a Schwinn Varsity conversion. Disgusting.

This Just In: One Less Car in LA!

All too often, Los Angeles is typecast as the buxom bimbo to New York's bespectacled intellectual. However, LA isn't just a sprawling cultural wasteland dominated by the automobile and inhabited by vapid celebrities, unctuous entertainment executives, and the aspiring actors/Midwestern transplants who valet their luxury SUVs and pour their coffee for them. There's also a "bike culture" in LA, and they're taking back the streets.

If you don't believe me (or if that video wasn't enough to convince you) just check out this photo, courtesy of Devik in LA:

Yes, here in New York you'll often find fixed-gears locked to street signs and parking meters. In Los Angeles though they just keep them on their cars. Note also the "One Less Car" sticker on the top tube. Sure, the cynics among you may sneer, but keep in mind that this person probably used to somehow use two cars in the course of the day before cobbling together a fixed-gear like the ones he saw on Fixedgeargallery. Either that, or the bike belongs to the driver's teenage child, and the "One Less Car" sticker refers to the fact that his parents refused to buy him that BMW convertible unless he raised his grades to at least a B-. Either way, it's an encouraging sign.

In other news, professional cyclist Levi Leipheimer has won the prologue of the Dauphiné Libéré. This is a good indication that Leipheimer should be in top form to not compete in the Tour de France, which is just a few short weeks away.

Theme Bikes: Brilliance Rides a Fixed Gear

Many of you will remember "The Riddle," which has heretofore stood as the single greatest fixed-gear bicycle ever built. (Million dollar Koga Miyatas notwithstanding.) The product of a one-year sabbatical and almost unfathomable self-importance, so mighty is "The Riddle" that I hardly even bother looking at Fixedgeargallery these days, since I know nothing will stir my spirit like "The Riddle" once did. After you've seen "The Riddle," ordinary bikes just don't move you anymore. It's like listening to ordinary guitarists and then hearing cheesemongering neo-classical metal virtuoso Yngwie J. Malmsteen play. You just can't go back. (And sometimes you can't stop vomiting either.) I mean, after "The Riddle," why even try, right?

(The Riddle.)

Well, thank goodness for ambition. Also, thank goodness for attentive readers, for without them I might not have been alerted to the existence of a bike that may rival "The Riddle" in terms of sheer conceptual brilliance. I now bring you "Trail of Tears 2k8:"

In the owner's own words, this bicycle is a "commentary on both moving away from a metropolitan area of Florida to rural New Mexico after graduation, as well as the similarities shared between fixed gears, and native American art in the sense that something that at one point was used for a very specific reason is now grown to the point of being so mainstream that is is almost kitschy, ie. Dreamcatchers!"

In addition to an integrated dreamcatcher it has moccasin toe clips:

Assuming this is not an elaborate hoax, this bicycle was actually displayed in a gallery somewhere. I also find it interesting and inspiring that both the owner of "The Riddle" and the owner of "Trail of Tears 2K8" hail from Florida, where it would appear that the heat is boiling people's brains and driving them to a frothy state of advanced creativity which is bordering on insanity. Still, though, I think "The Riddle" reigns supreme, for no other reason than the fact that the owner spared no expense nor kowtowed to any deadlines, self-imposed or otherwise. On the other hand, the owner of "Trail of Tears 2K8" admits that "there were other additions i wanted to make to it such as the Saddle and respoking the wheels with bead designs but alas time was against me." For shame, owner of "Trail of Tears 2K8." For shame.

Still, though, kudos to the owner for building a bicycle that will surely be an inspiration to many as well as an affront to any Native Americans who may see it. I am looking forward to his next project, which I hear will evoke the Jewish diaspora and will also feature a top-tube tallis and bars wrapped in teffilin.

But you don't have to go to an art gallery to see a brilliantly executed fixed-gear. Sometimes you see them on the street. Following is a bicycle which was photographed on the streets of Chicago by courier Kyle Goodmaster after being alerted to it by his friend Kris. (By the way, Kyle asked me to say "Sup...Kyle Goodmaster and Kris King own Chicago," and pending any evidence the contrary I have no problem with that. So, "Sup...Kyle Goodmaster and Kris King own Chicago." Take that, Abe Froman.)

I realize the angles of the photographs are a bit disorienting, but the photographer is a courier so I wouldn't be surprised if there were intoxicants involved. Also, BMCs have inherently disorienting angles in and of themselves. Together, it's enough to turn your stomach. (Especially when you're a bit hung over--trust me.) From any angle though it's clear that we're looking at one of the most excessive fixed-gear conversions ever assembled. From the BMC frame to the Zero Gravity brakes to the Record carbon levers, it's the very antithesis of the street bike.

Of course, when you're pushing this much high-end stuff you don't want your bike to get stolen, so you lock it carefully:

Oh yeah, that's not going anywhere.

Finally, I'd just like to take a moment to acknowledge another milestone. I've actually been translated into Italian, which is a beautiful language widely spoken on the Italian peninsula:



I'll be completely honest with you--I don't speak Italian and I have no idea what this website is about. But I was flattered someone wanted to take the time to do a translation. Also, since I don't speak Italian I can't vouch for the translation's accuracy. However, I did take a moment to run it through an online translator:

Lately I have received some comments a po' acids, type this: " You take in turn the doctors, the dentists and the lawyers because often they have of the bici to fixed release. But if you are truly a purista of the bicycle, because instead writing you do not go to pedalare? ". This tizio is mistaken? Certainly. Escapes the kernel of the issue? Decidedly. It has a twisted mind? He is probable. However or, its comment has made me to reflect for some minuteren. Therefore today, instead criticizing, I would want to speak about the nature of the cycling.

That seems about right.

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads: Spikes and Troughs

First of all, those 3TTT Pista bars I mentioned yesterday are still available according to the latest ad. I know it's human nature to hesitate when something seems too good to be true, but as the seller points out these things are going to be collector's items. And, once again, they're aluminum. I can't stress that enough. Do you think Ronco founder and inventor of the Chop-O-Matic Ron Popeil got rich by being slack-jawed and immobile in the face of opportunity? No, he got rich by inventing wacky household appliances nobody needs. So what does this have to do with buying these handlebars? Very little, but I felt it was worth mentioning.

Moving on, there are some noteworthy things happening in the world of used fixed-gears in New York City right now. Much like the larger economy, there's currently disparity in the fixedconomy. On one hand, the PistaDex is at 575. So if we were to imagine it as a fruit, it would be a big, juicy, overripe melon that's almost too soft to be appetizing. On the other hand, the IRODex, which I just made up this morning, is at a mere 325. Sticking with the fruit metaphor, we're essentially looking at a dried date or something, which, while not quite as mouth-watering as fresh fruit, does stay edible longer and is a better choice for the long term in adverse conditions, which is why bedouins eat them. Let's see what's going on out there:

Bianchi Pista – Chrome [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/708257123.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-05, 2:20AM EDT

Perfectly NEW Bianchi Pista purchased two days ago for $759.45! NICE Front break and Freewheel rear hub added; Owners Manual included! Unfortunetly size doesn't match my height. Must sell!!

Specifications Style Track Bike

Sizes 53cm

Color Chrome Plated

Frame Bianchi DB CrMo, rear entry track dropouts

Fork CrMo

Components Headset VP AheadSet, 1" threadless

Handlebar Bianchi/Deda steel track, 26.0mm

Stem Bianchi alloy

Crankset Sugino RD, 48T

Bottom Bracket Cartridge

Chain KMC

Sprocket 16T fixed cog

Pedals VP clipless, 2-sided

Wheels Bianchi hi-flange track hubs, Alex AT400 32h rims

Tires WTB Camino Alto, 700x23C

Saddle WTB Rocket V Comp

Seatpost Alloy, 27.2mm

Asking for $650, prefer to be picked up! Please contact 917-[deleted] or [deleted]@gmail.com

So you bought a bicycle in the wrong size and realized it two days later? I've really got to wonder what the circumstances were here. Certainly I could understand someone spending a few months with a bicycle and then, with time and experience, learning that another size might work better for them. But if the poor fit is already apparent two days later the bicycle must be really ill-fitting and must have been purchased under duress. This person had to have a Pista and had to have it right then. Perhaps a "bike culture" party was taking place to which it would have been bad form not to arrive on a track bike. Or perhaps it was merely a prop used to interest a potential mate. Or perhaps some unscrupulous shop is doing its best to cram Pistas into crotches in which they don't fit in anticipation of the Apocalype. Whatever the reason, it's troubling.

Bianchi Pista Fixed-Gear Bike: Like New! - $575 (West Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/700355327.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-05-29, 8:38PM EDT

61-centimeter, track bike for riders on a budget, juniors, or as a fixed gear training bike; the geometry is correct for banked tracks with the tight 28mm fork offset, higher bb and short wheelbase. The bike that started it all, from the company that started it all. Gang Green paint with classic white panel decals.

Ridden less than 60 miles (persistent knee injury prevented use).

Call Joel, 917-[deleted], cell; 212-[deleted], daytime work.

Speaking of ill-fitting, this thing looks like a Bike Friday. I'm sorry to hear about Joel's knee problems, but is it possible they were caused by riding the wrong sized bike? Doubtless Lennard Zinn would have an opinion, and I'm sure he would love to take a tape measure to this guy's femur and fabricate him something better-suited to his freakish biomechanics. I wonder if this guy's also walking around in tiny shoes with his toes sticking out of the front and a sport jacket with sleeves that barely go past his elbow.

Bianchi Pista for Sale - $500 (Park Slope) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/699945922.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-05-29, 3:21PM EDT

I have a 2007 Bianchi Pista in cool Racing Green for sale. The bike is 55cm and would fit someone 5'9" - 6'0" probably. It's in perfect condition and super fast. I've also upgraded the tires to resist the glass-strewn brooklyn streets.

I've ridden it as a fixed gear with a 48/17 gear ratio, however it has a flip-flop hub so you can put a freewheel on the other side.

I also put a Cane Creek hand break on it for safety mostly.

The asking price is $500.

Please send an email if you're interested along with a telephone number.

Thanks.

I hate the term "old school," but I have to say that this is a classic, "old school" Pista ad. It's got everything. Most importanly, it's got the kitchen shot. (Bonus points for the fact that there are not only dishes in the dish rack, but one of them actually matches the bike's frame.) Secondly, "brake" is spelled "break" in accordance with the official Craigslist style manual. Not only that, but there's also the requisite dismissal of the brake: it's there for "safety mostly," the implication being that he doesn't really need it since he's such a crack fixie rider. Also, there's some evocative prose in the phrase "glass-strewn brooklyn streets," as well as the patented Craigslist Ignuramus Fit Chart, in which the seller lists the height range for the bicycle despite the fact that he really has no idea what he's talking about. Lastly, he says it's fast. Bikes aren't fast--people are fast. Bikes are overpriced. It's an important distinction.

Now on to the IROs:

Black IRO Fixed Gear Bike (59cm) - $300 (Midtown West) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/708100520.html]
Reply to: [deleted]Date: 2008-06-04, 10:49PM EDT

I'm selling a black IRO fixed gear to anyone who's interested. The bike is 59cm from the center of the bottom bracket to the top of the seat tube. Should be sufficient for anyone around 6ft (). I bought it here on Craigslist about a year ago for $400 and a bottle of whiskey and didn't end up riding very much (about 40 miles...maybe less). It's had a spot in the bike room in my building ever since, so it's still in great condition.

Unfortunately, I don't have any goodies to throw in, but I'd be happy to answer any questions. Also - in case it's not clear in the pictures - it has a speedometer (can be easily removed if necessary). I also installed new pedals about two weeks ago.

Drop me a line if you have any questions.

What?!? $300 for a complete fixed-gear? He's supposed to be asking twice that! I never thought I'd see the day. Not only that, but he's even apologizing for not throwing in any goodies. And he's only selling it to "anyone who's interested." Doesn't he know how Craigslist works? You're supposed to cajole and say things like, "This bike is a rocketship!" and "Beat the high gas prices!" I don't know who this guy is, but he must be from Nebraska or some place like that where people are neighborly instead of predatory and provide goods and services for what they're worth while dispensing practical bits of homespun wisdom for free. Or he's drinking too much whiskey. Or both.

59cm IRO TRACK BIKE (Mark V) - $350 (east village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/708110733.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-05, 12:07AM EDT

Moving to the Bay Area and need to sell soon. This is a beautiful IRO with a few scratches rides great.Its cheap and worth checking out. For questions refer to (shop.irocycle.com) click on build parts, and then MARK V it will answer all questions.

OK, what's with the non-stratospherically priced 59cm IROs? Something creepy's going on here. Have I woken up in 2002? (No, I just checked and fortunately I haven't. I don't think I could live through "Ally McBeal," Eminem and Queen Elizabeth II's Golden Jubilee all over again.) Or does this presage a wholesale exodus to the Bay Area? (All the more reason the world needs my "Take a Pista, Leave a Pista" bicycle lending library.) Whatever the reason, for the moment IROs appear to be the dried fruit of fixed-gear bicycles. Do with that what you will.

Most Defs: Clarifying the Lexicon of Cycling

Of the many contributions Sheldon Brown made to cycling, one of the most valuable is his Bicycle Glossary. Now, I would never presume to add to that or to undertake such a project myself. However, I do think there are many cycling-specific terms that intimidate newcomers and serve as a barrier of entry into the sport. Not only that, but once you're in the sport it can take you even longer to learn what some of these terms really mean. To that end, I've chosen a few words and phrases more or less at random and provided what I feel are accurate definitions:

Bike Culture: A social clique organized around a certain style of bicycle and clothing. Members identify one-another through recognition of certain inside jokes and by displaying certain labels and brands on their clothing and bicycles. Periodically members of the “bike culture” organize events which only peripherally involve riding. Such events include: art installations; film screenings; and sitting on their bicycles for as long as possible without putting their feet down. Ironically, one can ride or race a bicycle every day for years without ever becoming—or even meeting—a member of the bike culture. Then one day one might stop into a bar for a drink and suddenly encounter 20 or 30 of them.

Bike Polo: A popular ironic social pastime for members of the bike culture who might otherwise opt for adult kickball except that it does not allow them to be close enough to their bikes. In New York City, bike polo is played in a Chinatown playground, which has resulted in exchanges like the following in many of the local homes:

Mom: Hi, son. What are you doing home so soon? You finished all your homework so I said you could go play with your friends.

Son: Yes, but when we got there a bunch of big kids was already there. They said we couldn’t play because they were there first.

Mom: Big kids? How old were they?

Son: I’d say mid-20s to early 30s. They were playing hockey on their bicycles.

Mom: Those don’t sound like kids to me. You should have told them the playground is for children.

Son: We did, and they said they’d be done around 10 or 11 and we could play after that. We explained that was past our bedtime, and they said too bad, they all had graphic design jobs to get to the next morning too. But they did say if we got there at the same time tomorrow we could do “odds-evens” for it. They also said we could play if we wanted, but it looked really stupid.

Campagnolo: The only bicycle components that can imbue your bike with true Italian flavor. Unfortunately, like most Italian bicycle companies these days Campagnolo’s “innovations” are increasingly gimmicky (Hirth joint cranks and 11 speed for example), so now that Italian flavor is mainly desperation with a hint of garlic.

Cat 4: A Cat 5 who has done 11 or more races. [e.g, “Lame duck;” “Virgin after graduation.”]

Ceramic Bearings: The most exciting development in cycling in the last five years, these allow manufacturers to charge four times the regular price for a bottom bracket without improving either its design or performance.

Integrated: See “proprietary”

Laterally Stiff and Vertically Compliant: An oft-repeated phrase in bicycle reviews meaning the frame did not buckle and collapse during the test period.

People who type their entire email message in the subject line and then leave the body of the email blank: Annoying.

Proprietary: disposable

Shimano 7900 Hollow Chainrings: The world’s most exciting and innovative production chainrings and a few grams of synthetic mozzarella away from being the stuffed crust pizza of drivetrain components. [Stuffed crust pizza: see Bianchi Structural Foam]

Pendulo-anatophobia: The irrational fear of somehow getting your testicles caught in the cutout of your anatomic saddle.

Training With Power: Riding with your head up your ass. [e.g., Wearing a Bluetooth headset during a romantic dinner.]

Technical: When used by road cyclists, this describes any course containing challenging features like turns. When used by mountain bikers, it means a course containing any obstacle that can still be felt when ridden over on a dual-suspension bike. When applied to specific sections of certain cycling publications, it refers to the act of simply reprinting manufacturers' press releases verbatim.

This Just In: Collector's Item Alert!!!

I'm literally breathless as I type this, but I didn't want to waste another second in bringing you this news. The following has just appeared on the NYC Craigslist:

3T track bars - $75 (Upper West Side) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/707279509.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-06-04, 11:28AM EDT

3T track bars they do not make these bars any more these are made from aluminum. these are collectors item .

please call 646-[deleted]

Used? New? What's the width? What's the bar clamp diameter? Who cares!?! These things are going to be worth a fortune! They don't make them anymore. And they're aluminum. I'd have bought them myself except I've already got all my money tied up in Chris King headsets. Even the picture is brilliant: four nearly identical images, tiled, with the bar position slightly different in each. Make a 10'x10' print of that and it would be at home in a West Chelsea art gallery.

In other news, there's this:

Indeed, there are tremendous investment opportunities on either side of the Atlantic.

The Perfect Storm: Understanding the Bike Boom

Like it or not, bicycles and cycling are enjoying a giant media moment, and yesterday’s post is a good example of that. Since we seem to be in the midst of another bike boom (at least in terms of cultural popularity and media attention), I think it’s crucial to understand why this boom is taking place. For one thing, by understanding it we can make the most of it. More importantly, though, we can also take measures to keep out some of the interlopers who seem to be hopping aboard for the wrong reasons.

To that end, I set to work on devising a formula to explain the bike boom. Despite having no mathematical or scientific ability and only limited intelligence, I’m a strong believer in formulas, mostly because I think they look good. Here is my almost-assuredly incorrectly expressed Bike Boom Formula (or BBF):

This is how it breaks down:

Credibility (C)

Cycling has a lot of mainstream credibility now. This credibility is threefold:

It’s Fashionable

I don’t know if tight pants are back in style because they’re easier to ride bikes in, but one thing I do know is that fixed gear fashion is hot, hot, hot! (Despite, or perhaps because of, the fact that it’s lame, lame, lame.) I mean seriously, it’s at the point where I see people wearing rolled-up jeans, cycling caps, and Fabric Horse U-Lock holsters with no bicycles anywere in sight. (And yes, I’m the sort of person who goes outside and looks.) I’m sure some of these people simply haven’t yet realized their bikes were just stolen, but that can’t be the case with all of them.

It’s Politically Correct

When confronted with a crisis, people love nothing more than to take meaningless action. It makes them feel like they’re doing something to help, even though they’re not. For example, what’s the first thing people do during any type of emergency? Stockpile bottled water! Hey, I've lived through emergencies, and the only thing I regretted not having more of was beer. Similarly, according to Al Gore we’re now in the midst of an environmental crisis, so people are “going green.” This apparently involves buying certain expensive gourmet foods over others and attending benefits, lectures, and screenings put on by people who travel by private jet. Oh, it also involves bikes. Not riding them necessarily, but just generally evoking the imagery and ethos of cycling. Whatever.

It’s a Lighting Rod to a Tasty Demographic

Al Sharpton knows that if you want to reach a bunch of young, privileged, liberal people there’s no better place to do it than at a cycling event. It doesn’t even matter if what you’re selling has nothing to do with cycling--especially when it comes to Critical Mass, which is comprised of crusaders in search of a cause. Just think of Critical Mass as a big stoop sale, and Sharpton’s some guy who drives up with a car full of stuff and asks, “Hey, can I put some of my things out too?”

Relative Accessibility (RA)

As a sport, cycling can be expensive, but it’s not that expensive. Especially if you’re wealthy. (As we saw yesterday.) Yachting is expensive. Auto racing is expensive. Polo is expensive. (Horse polo, not bike polo. Bike polo is dorky, but it’s not expensive.) Cycling, though, is a perfect sport for the rich dabbler because it really doesn’t cost that much to walk into a shop and fully outfit yourself with top-of-the-line gear. Sure, when I say “doesn’t cost that much” I mean low five figures, but when you consider that even a used yacht costs over half a million dollars you can start to understand what I mean. You have to be really rich to dabble in that. So especially now, when the very rich want to continue to appear very rich even while their fortunes are shrinking slightly, cycling is a logical choice for a hobby.

Of course, the fact is many of us are resentful towards these people. To that end, in light of the unveiling of the new Dura Ace, I call upon Shimano to set a retail price of $250,000. (Campagnolo and SRAM are sure to follow with their top-end groups.) If high-end cycling becomes competitive with yachting price-wise then we should be able to shake some of these people off. Ultegra and lower can remain “reasonably” priced. There’s pretty much no difference between Ultegra and Dura Ace anyway, so real cyclists can just opt for Ultegra, but the ultra-rich crowd looking to get into a lifestyle sport cheap will probably decide the price of entry is too high and can instead go shopping for polo ponies.

High Gas Prices (HGP)

Credibility and Relative Accessibility by themselves are not quite incendiary, but when you factor in High Gas Prices the mixture becomes highly volatile and the reaction is explosive. Indeed, Streetsblog reported recently that there’s a bike shortage in New York City, which is being attributed to people buying bicycles in the face of rising gas prices. Of course, the reality is that bikes are the bottled water of the energy crisis, and like that water they will probaly just wind up sitting in the basement, but for the moment people are buying and so we have ourselves a bike boom (BB).

Of course, the aftermath of the boom remains to be seen. Is this just the beginning, or is it the Apocalypse?

It's Not About The Riding: Cycling, Blogging and the Grey Lady

One of my favorite things about cycling—and about our culture in general—is that you don’t have to deal with pesky things like time, effort, and experience if you want to do or be something. All you need is money. After all, “understanding” is overrated. It’s much more satisfying (and a whole lot easier) to simply bypass all that, fork over the Amex, and have everything handed to you in a shiny bag with a big logo on it.

Take for example “The Climb,” a new blog on The New York Times website to which a number of people have alerted me:

..The Climb is a blog that will chart my attempt, as a 41-year-old beginner cyclist who has never been in a bike race of any kind — and had never ridden even 50 miles in one day until last Saturday — to find out what it takes for an ordinary, not-particularly-fit mortal to survive a single, grueling, mountain stage of the world's greatest cycling race.

Basically, about a year or so ago the author, Robert Mackey, rode a hybrid around Central Park a few times and decided he wanted to know what it would be like to ride in the Tour:

I began to wonder how my struggles to get myself up the steep hill at the northern edge of the park compared to what the television commentators described as the "suffering" Lance and the rest of the peloton endured on their way up the Tour's great climbs in the Alps and the Pyrenees.

If Mr. Mackey had contacted me back then with that question, I would have saved him some time. Firstly, I’d have explained to him that they don’t compare at all. Secondly, I’d have told him that all real cyclists, regardless of ability or riding style, understand the “suffering” of the peloton because they too know what it’s like to suffer on a bike. They suffer in amateur races; they suffer on long solo rides; they suffer over technical terrain; they even suffer to and from work as they risk death on streets teeming with SUVs driven by road rage-addled idiots because they’d rather be injured doing something they love than while away their mornings in a box being miserable.

So had Mr. Mackey really wanted to know what suffering is like, he’d simply have kept riding as much and as hard as possible. Maybe eventually he’d do some group rides, which would introduce him to a new level of difficulty. Then, once he got comfortable, maybe he’d try a race and get to ride up that same hill in Central Park at race pace at the back of the Cat 5 field. (Assuming he wasn’t dropped by then.) But of course, all this would take time and effort. Also, we’d have been deprived of his blog. Thankfully, though, he wisely took the “spend money now and the results will follow” approach:

I found a travel company in Nebraska with a French name, Velo Echappe, that takes Americans to France to ride in L'Étape. I signed up for their deluxe package, which includes entry into the race, two private feed zones along the route, the attention of professional mechanics and three nights in "the finest hotel in the entire Pyrenees Region," conveniently located across the street from the starting line.

To that end, when I did buy a bike to take with me to France, I got a Cervelo R3, the lightest one I could (nearly) afford.

I suspect at this point some of you out there might be getting mad. But I say, Good for you, Robert Mackey! You’re special, and you know that as a special person you shouldn’t have to muck about with the tedious and indignant process of riding your bike before knowing what it’s like to be a professional athlete at the very top of what is very possibly the most physically demanding sport in the world. Some of you might also be wondering, What qualifies this person to blog about cycling under the imprimatur of a newspaper of record like The New York Times? Well, like all newspapers The New York Times is wilting due to increasing irrelevance, so it’s only natural that they would want to publish a cycling blog on their website in an attempt to seem vital. It’s also only natural that they would go for a blog with a stupid reality show-esque premise and an author who’s a complete dilettante and appears simply to be looking for an excuse to buy expensive stuff and go to France. And most importantly, the Times has a rich heritage to uphold of publishing insipid articles about rich idiots and their expensive bikes. Like this one. And this one. And this one.

Hey, it’s the right of every privileged person to put the cart before the horse (or in the case of Mr. Mackey, the Cervelo before the whore) by buying lots of stuff before understanding how to even use that stuff. And hey, how can you be expected ride your shiny new Cervelo when you’re busy?

... just over a year ago, fate dealt me a kind blow. I got a new position at The Times, as a Web producer, and the transition made it nearly impossible for me to devote enough time to training for the race, so I put it off for a year.

Never mind that the world is full of doctors, lawyers, executives, business owners, construction workers, parents, craftsmen, contractors, plumbers, law enforcement officers, and so on who also manage to ride their bikes and race competitively. Fat Cyclist has a full-time career, a wife who’s ill, and like seventeen kids, and he not only rides every one of his fourteen bikes but he also races them and blogs about it incessantly. None of those people are Robert Mackey though, and none of them understand the difficulty of being Robert Mackey nor can imagine the demands placed on Robert Mackey on a daily basis. Also, he got sick:

...I barely rode my bike all winter, felled first by a bad case of bronchitis, and then by a badly infected tooth and what might turn out to be an allergy to my cat.

Hey, Mackey’s hero Lance Armstrong may have ridden his bike while recovering from cancer, but I doubt even Mellow Johnny himself could have stood up to cat dander.

Fortunately, though, it seems Mackey has recovered enough from the sneezing and itchy eyes to start spending money again. It would appear that with a few weeks to go he’s done what any sensible non-cyclist would do and paid someone to bail him out:

I’m finally two weeks into a serious eight-week training program sketched out by a coach at a place called Cadence Cycling in TriBeCa here in New York, whose other clients all seem to be training for insanely hard triathlons on even more insanely expensive bikes than mine. When I described what I wanted to do, and what little I’d done so far, my coach offered this assessment of my chances: “it’s not impossible.”

“It’s not impossible” indeed. Nothing’s impossible if you pay for it. Speaking of money, Mackey wants you to know every dollar he’s spending on this ego-fest is his own:

I am paying for all this entirely on my own and am not in any way sponsored by any of the companies that I’ve mentioned or linked to so far. I paid full-price for the bike, the coaching package, the trip, and the three-day immersion course in climbing (and descending!) skills I took last summer in North Carolina.

Thanks, Robert. Some of us were starting to question the extent of your self-indulgence. I would have been dismayed to find out some of this stuff had been given to you, and I’m relieved to know every bit of gross excess is your own. I’m also glad that you’re writing about all of this now, instead of waiting until after you’d finished and maybe actually learned something. Because that’s the point, isn’t it? Buy now, pay later. I’d wish you luck, but it doesn’t sound like you need it. Once you do cross the finish line, you will have accomplished something truly special in that you’ll have gone from being a clueless hybrid rider to a clueless Tour de France stage finisher without ever having experienced the joy of cycling or the satisfaction of discovering something for yourself. So in the spirit of putting the cart before the horse, I’d like to congratulate you on your fine finish in advance. I look forward to hearing what expensive hobby you decide to flirt with and blog about next.