Apocalyptic Raids: The Fixed-Gear Hellhammer Loometh

In the last few days I've received a number of alarming emails. And while each one was disturbing in its own way, when considered in their totality the gestalt was downright chilling. In fact, I have to confess that earlier this morning I was dangerously close to announcing that The End was finally upon us. Fortunately, though, I've determined it's not. But I am upping the alert level from 85 to 90 gear-inches, so you can continue to seek refuge in your cognitive dissonance, at least for now.

I know that some of you are tired of living in fear and you'd rather read about something else. Fortunately, the internet is a vast litterbox of soiled sand in which you can bury your head, full of product reviews, ride reports, training tips, and perverse bicycle pornography. But I'd rather be hated for speaking the truth than live with the guilt I'd feel if I simply contributed to the lies. Others of you think you're safe. Like the mountain bikers. But don't delude yourselves, because you will not be spared. You sit around, arguing about frivolous things like wheel size. But no size can save you! Your diminutive 26-inch wheels will get hopelessly stuck in the ruts of the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and your bloated 29-inch wheels will accelerate too slowly to allow you to escape the flames. Even the 650B-ers are doomed, as they shall be punished for their waffly, bet-hedging ways, and the air will be ripe with the stench of burning leg hair, CamelBak, and tire slime.

I realize this all may sound a bit overzealous, but you'd be agitated too if one of the first things you heard this morning was this. I'd heard this before, but a reader was unkind enough to email it to me again. It appears to be a fixed-gear appropriation of the Chamillionaire song "Ridin' Dirty." (I'm not sure what a Chamillionaire is, but I'm guessing it's someone who's much richer than a regular millionaire.)

Bad? Yes. Apocalyptically bad? Also yes. Set your house on fire, grab a firearm, and run naked into the street bad? Not by itself. But then there's this, which has been making the rounds lately.

Here, the song and the tedious footage combine to form a world-class tour de dorkitude. If the Nada Surf video and the Robin Thicke video were first cousins this would be their mentally-challenged offspring. Watching someone riding around in overcast weather is marginally less interesting than watching someone tape a pair of handlebars, and if I wanted to watch someone delivering packages slowly I'd just follow a postal worker around. Worst of all, if you can bear to wait for the parts where he actually gets off the bike and goes into his bag, it's clear that the video has been speeded up. It looks like old Babe Ruth footage. So he hasn't just been riding slowly; he's actually been riding very slowly.

And if you're looking for the missing ingredient to crystallize this miserable melange of rap and riding, here it is, via BSNYC gadfly, fixed-gear freestylist, and street culture enthusiast Prolly:

By now I was ready to follow my three-step Fixed-Gear Apocalypse Survival Plan, which is as follows:

1) Dismantle any and all fixed-gear bicycles right down to the spoke nipples and hub bearing and bury all components as far apart from each-other as possible. (This decreases the likelihood that your fixed-gear bicycle will be resurrected after the Apocalypse and seek revenge.)

2) Assemble as many cogs as possible and use them as ninja throwing stars. (This may be the only way to defend yourself against the roving bandana-wearing, snug-trousered zombie hordes.)

3) Paint yourself white to deflect the Apocalyptic blast. (Like Neil in "The Young Ones.")

But first, I decided to check the NYC PistaDex. And to my horror, it was at 370, thanks mostly to this one:

2003 Bianchi Pista fixed gear - 56cm frame - $300 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/fct/bik/552166773.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-26, 9:07AM EST

Selling my 2003 Bianchi Pista fixie. I've used this bike for both training and commuting and loved riding it. I'm working on a new fixed-gear project so this one has to go.

All the components are stock except for the tires. I've put about 3000mi on the bike and have taken very good care of it. It also has Shimano 600 brake levers and Shimano 105 front calipers. I will sell with or without pedals (I have both a clip and clipless set I'd include if you want). Gearing is 48T front (on a Truvativ crank) and 16T fixed/17T freewheel on the rear flip-flop hub.

Let me know if you have any questions. I'm only looking for a good home for this bike.

The only thing that allowed me to keep my cool here was the fact that this bike is in Fairfield, Connecticut and is clearly owned by someone who is not using it for fixed-gear freestyling purposes. Surely some trendy young urban citydweller will Mapquest Fairfield, convince a friend to drive him up there in a hand-me-down Volvo with Vermont plates, and bring it back to Brooklyn. He'll then try to sell it shortly thereafter for something with more street cred, and the PistaDex will correct itself.

No sooner had I recovered from the shock of seeing the NYC PistaDex, though, than I read an email from a reader warning me that the Austin PistaDex had plummeted as well. Things haven't been going too well in Austin recently, and when I investigated I found that the PistaDex was languishing at 362.5.

My hands shaking, I collected what was left of my wits and checked in with the other major markets:

Los Angeles: 450

Whew! I was particularly encouraged by this one:

2007 Bianchi Pista 53cm - $400 [original URL: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/bik/550937082.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-25, 2:18AM PST

I have a 2007 Chrome Bianchi Pista with a couple nice upgrades for sale. This bike is in great condition with low mileage. Can work with trades, but really i'm only looking to upgrade to an aluminum framed bike such as a Fuji Track Pro, Bianchi Pista Concept, or Felt TK2. Thanks for looking!

EDIT 1/25: This bike no longer comes with a wheelset, sorry! Reduced the price

Here are the specs:

-Headset: Cane Creek VP1

-Handlebar: Bontrager Select Drops (wrapped in celeste bartape)

-Stem: Bontrager Select 110mm Stem

-Crankset: Truvativ Touro 48T

-Chain: KMC

-Pedals: Wellgo Track Pedals w/ toe clips

-Saddle: Fizik Arione Wing Flex Limited Celeste ($100 for saddle alone!), Selle Marcos Pirelli Saddle looks and feels like a Turbo saddle,

Keywords: track, fixed, fixie, bianchi, pista, singlespeed,

$400 for a used Pista with no wheels is indeed a good sign. Surely this must have something to do with the newsworthy fact that the infamous Wolfpack just did a (cough) century. (That's a lot of cigarette breaks!)

San Francisco: 534

Here's a representative ad:

Bianchi Pista 2006-size 49 - $600 (san jose downtown) [original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/bik/553547458.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-27, 1:46PM PST

Bianchi pista in color gang green, the size is a 49 , im 5'2 so if your a small person too thant its a perfect fit the bike is in great condition except for 2 minor scraches but other than that great. I really hate to see this bike go but i dont have time to ride anymore and i need the money. so i will be accepting e-mails please include your name and phone number so that i can get back to you at my earliest convinience. Thank you.

Used Pista. $600. Bay Area spared.

Pacific Northwest: 540

There was one Pista for sale in Seattle for $500, and nothing available in Portland. In a tight Pista market where none are for sale just substitute the MSRP. Averaging Seattle and Portland then gives us the Pacific Northwest PistaDex. (Yes, I've heard there are other cities in the Pacific Northwest besides those, but I refuse to acknowledge any of them until I see actual proof that they exist.)

Chicago: Indeterminately Juicy

What does that mean? Well, take a look at the only Pista currently for sale in Chicago:

Tricked Out Track Bike Fixie do it do it [original URL: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/bik/550358303.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-01-24, 3:35PM CST

Size 57 bianchi pista. Custom paint is pearl blood red. Wheels are velocity. Riser is only modification. Everything is pretty much stock. Very small scratch on chainstay. Can't even really be seen. Option of 2 saddles. Also have soma double strap pedals for extra cash. Selling because I have a lot of bikes, and this one serves no purpose to me. Shipping is determined by bike shop so let me know where you live and I will ball park it. Less than 100 miles on bike total.

NO LOW BALL OFFERS!

http://velospace.org/node/4222

So, overall, after looking at a cross-section of the United States, I'm not sounding the alarm yet. In fact, I think we've been spared by some kind of divine intervention. Why? Because the auction for the Tallest Bike in Los Angeles was cancelled:

After a few readers emailed me about this I was watching the auction carefully, as I knew the eventual winner would probably be a demon, horseman, or at least a harbinger of some kind. But someone--or some thing--has stopped it. And we probably owe that entity our lives.

More BSNYC Infrequently Asked Questions

Awhile back I posted answers to some infrequently asked questions. And because knowledge is power and we all want to register big wattage on the SRM of life, I've gone ahead and answered a few more below. So read and be misinformed. If you've still got any questions once you're done, check in with Fat Cyclist, since he may have some answers for you too:

What is a “century?”

A century is a word people who ride Serottas and Cervelos equipped with mountain bike pedals and compact cranks use to describe what the rest of us just call a long ride. There’s also something called a “metric century.” Riders use the same type of bicycles, but a metric century is shorter and probably involves more camelbaks and helmets with visors on them.

What is a “training ride?”

This is how roadies describe what the rest of us just call a ride. It can be long, short, fast, or slow. It can also be intermittently fast and slow, which is called “intervals.” Roadies call rides “training rides” so people know that they race. In fact, roadies only do two kinds of rides: training rides, and races. Any other type of riding is considered “garbage miles,” or “junk miles.” Garbage miles include any miles ridden offroad, any miles ridden for purposes of commuting or transportation, any miles not ridden in full team kit, and any miles during which the rider has any fun.

What is a “session?”

A session is a word fixed-gear freestylers, freeriders, and BMXers use to describe riding around in circles doing tricks. The term “session” is also used in relation to the Senate, therapy, and band recording. All of these sessions share in common the fact that they are generally self-indulgent, boring to watch, and in the end go nowhere.

How do I know if it’s time to replace my frame?

Inspect your frame closely for URLs. If your frame has any URLs on it, it means it is too new to be considered “vintage,” yet too old to be considered up-to-date. URLs on bikes went out in the late 90s and early Oughts, when manufacturers finally realized that even the dumbest person can figure out how to find a website without seeing a “www” and “.com” around the name.

Which is better, threaded or threadless steering setups?

Threadless.

As a cyclist, should I obey all traffic signals?

Absolutely not. The surest way to disaster is mindless adherence to rules, routine, and procedure, because they do not account for the unexpected—or, as I prefer to call it, the stupidity factor. Take pedestrians, for example. When you have the green, pedestrians will not think twice about crossing against the light, right in front of you. They will also usually look near you but not at you, as though they’re following Jerry Seinfeld’s procedure for admiring a woman’s breasts without being caught. Conversely, when they do have the light and you have a red, they’ll generally stop dead and look at you as though you’re about to run them down. When you’re dealing with this sort of stupidity, all bets are off. If you don’t believe me, go outside right now and stand at a busy corner. Wait until a large vehicle is approaching, and then run across the street. I guarantee at least five people will follow you to almost certain death. These bovine are simply too stupid to live, and if you blindly follow traffic rules they will take you right down with them.

More aggressively stupid are drivers. If you wait at a red light and then proceed when it turns green, you’re virtually assured death by yellow-miscalculating idiot.

Rules are not designed to protect you. They are designed to trap and kill you. Rely only on your wits, because that’s the only thing that will keep you alive.

Can I purchase a fixed-gear-specific hooded sweatshirt that is inspired by a Huey Lewis and the News Song?

You absolutely can! A reader just forwarded me the "Dissizit" hoodie. (Just wait for the chorus to find the Huey inspiration—if you can bear it.)

(Huey meets Hoodie.)

Worst of NYC Craigslist Bike Ads #42-#45

Further to yesterday's post, Cameron, proprietor of the nascent Oldtenspeedgallery, donned his welding glasses and created this retina-scalding image:


Erik K also offered this variation, complete with frilly cravat for the cold days:


And should our track bike-liking protagonist wish to add another festively-hued cannon to his arsenal, he'll be pleased to know the perfect one awaits him on Craigslist:


Track bike, Dura Ace, Cinelli, Campagnolo, Concor, Velocity, Razesa 52 - $1200 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/552911728.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-26, 10:00PM EST

On hundred percent custom 52cm track bike. Too nice to lock up out of site, I can't ride this bike anymore. I can negotiate parts for people who aren't in the market for a twelve hundred dollar track bike. Dura Ace High Flange hubs laced to pink NMSW (non-machined sidewall) Velocity Deep-v's. The Cog is a hand-beveled 20 tooth EAI track cog. Nickle Plated Uniglyde Chain (THE best chain you can use with a 3/32nd drive train on a track set up) Dura Ace square Taper cranks, with a Rare and beautiful stronglight 54 tooth chain ring. The gear ratio is such that only every other tooth ever uses the chain, so when the chain wears out, you can machine off every other tooth and run a custom skip tooth, pretty neat, huh? The spokes are staight guage, and are threaded into purple anodized nipples. The top of the head tube has been lowered with a tube facer. The headset is Duron needle bearing bye FSA, and looks great. The Cinelli, stem has, I believe 68deg. of drop, making it the Pista Model. The handlebars are Cinelli Pista as well. The Bars are wrapped with brown leather and finished with special Superman colors twine. The Saddle is a white perferated Concor. It has some blue on it from riding in jeans, wich I think looks really beautiful, but will wipe off with a damp sponge. The seatpost is a Campagnolo Aero, maybe Super Record 26.8. It does not come with pedals, but I have some pedals if you don't have your own system and are looking for one. This bike is in excellent mechanical condition, there is some where and a couple of scrapes, the saddle is nearly new, but has a small tear on the rear edge. More photo's with serious inquiry. The first photo's are for reference and my have a different set up, the four hosted here are current taken right now. But since they are not the best pics, I'm giving you some better ones for reference. <


Pink rims, purple nipples, leather, and jean stains? Is this a bike or a porn starlet? It's even had a bad nose job in the form of a head-tube shortening. Somewhere under all this crap is the innocent Midwestern girl who stepped off that Greyhound bus in the Valley all those years ago, but I fear she may be too far gone to bring her back. I admit I'm confused by the part about how he's not able to ride the bike anymore because it's too nice to lock outside. You know, it is possible to enjoy a bicycle without leaving it out. Then again, thanks to messenger chic even locking your bike up has become trendy, and bringing your bike inside with you can cost you precious street cred these days. I also admit that I'm completely baffled by the part about the custom skip-tooth. Is it somehow desirable now to make your bike look like it's suffering from scurvy?

Vittoria Zaffiro II All White Tires Non NJS / Track - $85 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/552032717.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-26, 2:43AM EST

Vittoria Zaffiro II All White Tires - $85 Shipped 700x23 Clincher Only available in Japan!!!

Just because something's only available in Japan doesn't mean you should want it. You know what else is only available in Japan? Whale meat. I have a feeling I know who's behind this particular tire-smuggling operation, and I only hope he's not flying in a bunch of awkwardly-walking, extremely uncomfortable mules from Tokyo in order to get them.

RE: Vittoria Zaffiro II All White Tires Non NJS / Track - $85 - $13 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/553111461.html]
Reply to: [deleted] Date: 2008-01-27, 3:40AM EST

don't buy these just cause they are white and compliment your white kashimax saddle/aerospokes/mesengerbag/anodized parts. They are the cheapest tires that vittoria makes.
http://aebike.com/page.cfm?action=details&PageID=30&SKU=TR3444 SCHWINN

While I appreciate the poster's attempt to inject some common sense into Craigslist, it's kind of like trying to purify the Gowanus with a chlorine tablet. Plus, if you're considering these tires, everything the poster points out above is a selling point. And $85 is still cheaper and more comfortable than flying to Tokyo and secreting a bike's worth of cheap silica back to New York in a body cavity.

PARAMONT FIXTY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - $550 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/bik/549028843.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-23, 2:12PM EST

This is a schwinn paramont road bike frame with 105 shimano cranks, sealed bottom bracket, weinman lp18 double walled rims, sealed bearing high flange hubs, dt stainless spokes, hutchinson flash tires, nitto bars, 105 front brake only with vintage shimano lever, tioga prestige cromo tbone stem. I built this bike last summer rode it for less than 300 miles and have decided it would probably be better for my bad knees to get somthing with gears. The bike is sick though. I find that road frames converted to fixed gear track bikes have such great personality. They also seam to feel a bit smoother over bumps compared to true the track frames I have owned. Any questions call Rick at [deleted] or during the day [deleted]. I am firm on this price so please don't send me some low ball offer. I know this bikes worth. This is a hand made steel frame after all. The frame is a 62cm from center to top.

He knows the bike's worth but he doesn't know the bike's name. "Paramont Fixty" sounds like a character in "The Pickwick Papers." The bike is indeed "sick," and it needs some derailleurs and shifters to make it better again.

Fixedgeargallery...of unbridled exuberance.

(Of course you do.)

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. This couldn't be further from the truth. I hadn't checked out Fixedgeargallery in awhile, and when I finally did again it was like running into an ex on the street. And I'm not talking about the kind of run-in where she looks great and you're digging in a public trash can because you accidentally threw your keys in there. I mean the kind of encounter where her first shrill utterance reminds you of just how large a caliber bullet you dodged. More than anything though, as I clicked through the gallery I was once again amazed by the amount of effort people make to look ridiculous. Here are some examples:

This tribute bike puts the "Devo" back in "devoid of sense," largely due to the fang-tastic, intelligence-defying handlebar setup. What reason could one possibly have for cutting the drops off in this manner? It's like taking the shifter knob off your sports car, or cutting your computer mouse in half. The only explanation I can come up with is that the owner took Weird Al's Devo tribute, "Dare To Be Stupid," even more seriously than he takes Devo. Because he did, and it is.

Here's a frame that was apparently hanging safely in a shop window for the last eighteen years, only to meet the unfortunate fate of death by gold anodized componentry at the zenith of the fixed-gear trend. I certainly hope the owner coordinates his riding attire with the color scheme of his bicycle. If he doesn't, I suggest the following:

This paisley top, full-zip, moisture-wicking and fabulous;

These cycling shorts, which marry high fashion and high performance;

And these high-heeled Chucks, perfect both on and off the bike.

This entry isn't about the bike; it's about the backdrop. We've seen the bike-in-front-of-the-record-collection plenty of times, but it's incredibly rare to see a bike posed in front of a video collection. I sincerely hope this is a video store and not the owner's personal library, though, because a close-up reveals some distressing choices:

This video collection is worse than Redman's in his "MTV Cribs" episode. Note in particular the treacly trifecta to the immediate left of the stem, with "The Breakup," Brokeback Mountain," and "Bruce Almighty" all cheek-by-jowl. Notice also that the leather-clad bullhorns appear to be forklifting a payload of refuse that includes "Clerks II," "Con Air," and "Cruel Intentions." Harrowing. I haven't seen something this trendy in front of a wall this full of crap since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie posed in front of a Masai dung hut on one of their Africa visits.

This bike is remarkable because it has a built-in theft prevention device. Just put it in a basement and it disappears into the scenery like a stick insect in a tree. Just look at this photo--the bike's in there. Can you find it? Bet you can't!

Always fascinating is the extent to which people will go to tape their bars incorrectly. In browsing Fixedgeargallery and checking out bar taping jobs I've seen almost every conceivable variation on the theme of stupid. Here's a new one, where the middle of the drop is left bare for some reason, like a bare midriff in the snow:

This one's tall, dark and lanky, and somewhere between intimidating and ridiculous:

This one, on the other hand, is genuinely terrifying. In particular, note the ferret, which looks unnervingly like the one the nihilists threw in Jeff Bridges' bathtub in "The Big Lebowski." Certainly one man's pet is another man's infestation. Then notice the poor lighting and the perfectly-circled pentagram formed by the crank spider and chainring guard.

But most terrifying is the head-actuated brake lever. It looks like the gnarled, beckoning finger of a demon, gesturing for you to come closer and closer, until it throttles you like the disembodied hand in "Evil Dead 2."

Decidedly more upbeat is this entry. This thing's got more aging bells and whistles than an antique music shop. It looks like one of those old-timey fire engines:

It's the Little Engine That Could Not.

And finally...

To mercifully conclude a week replete with bicycles in the service of marketing, I'd like to share one more example by which I've been assaulted lately. Frequent commenter, ellipses enthusiast, and occasional comment section identity theft victim bikesgonewild recently mentioned a Bank of America TV ad in which some putz is followed around by a red road bike. I too have seen these commercials--often, in fact, as I watch TV often. Recently, though, Bank of America figured out my internet browsing habits, and so they've been stalking me online as well. Here's the bike from the internet version of the ad:





Notice how the youngish guy with the middle part is gazing longingly at the red bike in a shop window. The red bike is clearly a symbol of freedom and happiness. However, the red bike is obscured. This means neither the youngish guy nor his middle part can know true freedom and happines without Bank of America's credit card.

Here's the next image. The bike is now in clear focus. Presumably the youngish guy has applied for and received a Bank of America credit card, most likely with an inordinately high credit limit and a correspondingly high APR. Now that he has this card, he may swipe it wantonly through his middle part, and he may purchase freedom and happiness. The ad just repeats itself shortly after this, but presumably if it continued we would see our protagonist riding away contentedly, his bisected hair flopping around Hugh Grantily in the breeze as he heads towards his next purchase.

To me, though, the most interesting thing about the ad is the bike itself. It has been focus-grouped. It's modern, but it has some retro touches. It's geared, but it's spare (note the absence of bottle cages). Basically, it's been designed to appeal to as many cyclists as possible--kind of a cross between Tom Hanks and soylent green.

And it kind of freaks me out.

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: Music, Bikes, and Marketing

As a cyclist, it's hard not to feel marginalized sometimes--especially when a giant SUV is running you off the road because its 5'3" driver can't see your head over the top of the passenger door. And when you then see an ad that uses bicycles to sell that very same SUV, chances are you then go from feeling marginalized to feeling just plain insulted. Such is the plight of the cyclist; we're simultaneously marginal and marketable.

Of course, not all marketing ploys involving cycling are quite so contradictory and offensive. Some are simply harmless attempts to appear in step with a current style or trend. Like this video from the band Nada Surf, which was forwarded to me by a reader.

Nada Surf are generally considered an "indie band," which is an apt moniker for a group whose first album was produced by Rik Ocasek of the Cars, released by Elektra Records, and contained the hit single "Popular." So as an idie band, it makes sense that they'd want to do a video which features a messenger on a fixed-gear (played by a professional actor), since many members of their target audience are probably fans of urban fixed-gear riding, and the associated imagery is in line with their own aesthetic. But hey, at least the guy knows how to ride a bike, and at least he's not being made to look like a total idiot, unlike cyclists in most movies. And at least the video's original, right?

Wrong. Actually, this was already done last year by Robin Thicke*, R&B singer and son of Alan Thicke (the Canadian star of "Growing Pains" and host of the unfortunately-titled and extremely short-lived talk show, "Thicke of the Night"). Except unlike the Nada Surf video, the bike is a mountain bike, and Robin Thicke himself is riding it. (At least some of the time.)

*OK, it was actually done in 2002. Thanks for the correction.

Come on, Nada Surf should have realized this video had been done already. A reader forwarded this to me ages ago. Even bikecommuters.com featured it!

Perhaps that's why another "indie" musician, Brooklyn-dwelling Sufjan Stevens (pictured below on what appears to be a fixed-gear bicycle with half a bowling ball on his head) has taken an entirely different tack.

Instead of clamoring for his slice of the bike trend-marketing pie, he's been presenting a "symphonic and cinematic exploration" of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. (For all you out-of-towners, the BQE is strictly cars only.)

Perhaps Nada Surf's next video will feature them stuck in traffic by the Metropolitan Avenue exit, watching the hip and the Hassidim walking to and fro on the overpass.

From the BSNYC Department of Consumer Affairs: Total Recall

Every so often, when a product malfunctions, breaks, or just plain sucks hard enough, its manufacturer will issue a voluntary recall. However, companies can’t always be trusted to do this on their own, and sometimes they won’t acknowledge that their products are crappy at any speed. That’s when somebody needs to step in and do it for them. Here are three products that deserve an involuntary recall:

Trackstar Champion Scarf

One of the first things you learn when you start riding, just after how to fix a flat and not to wear underwear with your cycling shorts, is that it’s extremely dorky to wear pro team kit, grand tour leader’s jerseys, or World Champion stripes while you’re riding. (Unless of course you’re on a pro team, are leading a grand tour, or are a World Champion, in which case it’s only mildly dorky.) It would follow then that wearing a scarf in the World Champion colors is completely unacceptable, unless you’re an actual World Champion with questionable Euro tastes who’s susceptible to chest colds. (Or maybe some kind of drunken Belgian superfan.) Apart from that, all the scenarios in which this scarf might be worn are almost too awful to contemplate. If you’re wearing it on the bike, you’re committing a double crime: wearing the World Champion stripes; and wearing a scarf of any kind while cycling. If you’re wearing it off the bike, you’re just a peacock of dorkitude. In any case, I’m issuing a recall on the Trackstar Champion Scarf, as wearers are at risk of strangulation by me.

Primal Wear bRide 2B Women’s Jersey


A reader recently forwarded me this item, and so I’m issuing a recall on it effective immediately, as any woman who dons this jersey is at severe risk of sudden and complete loss of dignity. I imagine this jersey being worn aboard a recumbent that’s got a “Just Married” sign on the back and is dragging a bunch of soup cans. I have to hand it to Primal, though, for only they could reach this deeply into the cauldron of bad taste and withdraw something even worse than the tuxedo t-shirt. As a company, they’ve also managed to successfully show what the world would be like if terrorists detonated a bomb that somehow destroyed all irony while leaving humor intact. And perhaps most amazingly, this may be the world’s only jersey with an integrated tramp-stamp.


Power Cranks

If cycling were an orange, roadies would take that orange, put it on a juicer, squeeze all the pulpy, delicious goodness out of it, and then eat the rind. And this is most apparent in their use of Power Cranks. When I see somebody out there on a bike with Power Cranks doing his idiotic prostrations, both his pedals in the 6:00 position as his lycra-clad taint bears the full brunt of his weight, I don’t know whether to laugh or just run him off the road. Users of Power Cranks cite performance gains, but it’s pretty obvious to me that once you’re determined enough to use something this stupid you’re going to somehow milk performance gains out of anything. As such, I’m issuing a recall, since these cranks are obviously broken. Duh. Not only that, but they cost like $1,000. If you’re considering these malfunctioning pieces of garbage do something smart and buy a mountain bike instead. Not only will you learn how to pedal, but you’ll also learn how to handle your bike. (And you might even have some fun.)

SUVs and Bike Polo: Together Forever! (At least this week.)

Further to yesterday's post, a commenter mentioned a Toyota ad on the back cover of the current issue of Newsweek which employs seductive images of people enjoying bike polo. I also received email about it. I was curious to see it, and I thought some of you might be interested as well, so I did a little detective work. This mostly involved going to a newsstand and purchasing a copy of Newsweek. For me the revelation wasn't so much the ad as it was that people still pay for news that's printed on paper and doled out on a weekly basis. In any event, though, here it is:

The copy on the bottom explains that the Toyota Sequoia has "enough room for all your gear" and that it allows you to "focus on more important things, like having the time of your life." Apparently, somebody at Toyota's ad agency feels that enough people consider playing bike polo "having the time of your life" to warrant using it in an ad for a $35,000 automobile.

I for one find this whimsical picture of a rider on a dual-suspension, disc brake-equipped mountain bike side-by-side with another on a brakeless fixed-gear together in mallet-swinging harmony to be extremely irritating. Then again, I also find both bike polo and SUVs irritating. I will say, though, that if I had to guess which one of those riders showed up to the game in the Sequoia, I'd definitely go with the guy on the squishy bike with the Casio G-Shock.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Dead Celebrity Media Scrums

When cycling through New York City, I'm often reminded of my own mortality. Sometimes, a reminder comes in the form of a Nissan Armada whose idiotic leaseholder is under the impression that there's a five-second grace period after a traffic light turns red during which it's still acceptable to proceed. Other times, it's in the shape of a memorial, like this one which I pass every day:




There's an undeniable poignancy to the ghost bikes that are scattered throughout the city, and I have a lot of respect for the sentiment behind them. However, I have to say that I personally don't like them. In fact, I don't like any memorials. I don't like tombstones, or mausoleums, or urns filled with ashes, or graffiti murals in peoples' memory, or tinted rear SUV windshields etched with murdered victims' names in gothic letters. Certain memorials are like submissions to the fixedgeargallery, in that they're more a testatment to the maker's vanity than they are to the thing they're supposed to represent. I don't think I'm the only one who's seen somebody with an elaborate crying Jesus tattoo in memory of a dead relative and thought, "Wow, you were just waiting for someone to die so you could have an excuse to get that."


Still, though, as memorials go, the ghost bikes do have a certain dignity--unlike the clustercoitus on Broome Street this morning:




Commuting by bicycle in a city like New York has an added dimension in that you're often interacting with the very machinery that drives our popular culture. Film shoots, Presidential visits, parades, protests, and world-altering terrorist attacks are just a few of the things that you're liable to encounter on your commute here. And today it was a bunch of idiots pointing their cameras at a dead actor's building.



Certainly this is a juicy story, and while there are certainly more important things going on in the world (like the fact that people who are rich and dumb enough to eat sushi every day are apparently risking mercury poisoning), it would be naive not to expect the media and the public to be obsessed with it. Still, though, I'm not sure why people have to stand there filming the actual building, or just what it is they expect to happen. Are they hoping to score an interview with his ghost? Do they think his corpse might come back for that massage? Are they expecting Jake Gyllenhaal to ride up on a horse in full cowboy regalia, bawling and bellowing, "Oh, Heath, I cain't quit you!"?


In the hope that seeing things from their perspective might help me understand, I stepped in amongst the cameramen, set aside my dignity, and took a photo myself. For an instant, I was one of them, and I suddenly knew what it was like to join a fraternity, watch the ball drop in Times Square, or take part in any other mass act of stupidity far greater than yourself. Becoming part of that group temporarily diffused all sense of shame and personal accountability I might have had. I then looked at the photo I had taken:

I was wrong. They hadn't been shooting the building. They had been filming the flowers. If you look closely you'll even see a camera on the sidewalk, getting a rat's-eye view.

I was now even more confused.

But there was one thing of which I was now certain. On a commute bookended by memorials, I had been forced to contemplate my own mortality, and I was surer than ever that should my demise "drop" prematurely and I join that great "collabo" in the sky, I don't want anybody to make a ghost bike for me. Fortunately, though, I think I've engendered enough ill-will in the cycling community that it's pretty unlikely anybody will.

But if you must do something, you can ghost ride a Trek Madone 6.9 straight off the Manhattan Bridge. In fact, you're more than welcome to do it even while I'm still alive.

Bike Collabos: It Takes Two (to rip you off)

As a blogger and aggregator of all that is irritating, reprehensible, and fatuous in cycling, I often receive pictures of and links to offensive bicycles from readers. I always enjoy receiving these. I regard them as vile tokens of appreciation, in much the same way as the singer of a band might appreciate having underwear thrown at him onstage, even if they've been worn for upwards of 36 hours, have frayed elastic, and are badly in need of laundering.


Occasionally a bicycle is remarkable enough that a number of people forward it to me, and in the last few months one of the most forwarded bicycles has been the Fuji Obey. Despite the fact that it is indeed a noteworthy bicycle for a number of reasons, I have not mentioned it until now. This has been kicking around (the internet at least) for a long time. But if you haven't seen it yet, here it is:

This is perhaps the most contrived collision between a cheap bike and street art since some guy in Williamsburg intentionally ghost-rode his Schwinn Varsity conversion into a Biggie Smalls mural. If you’re unfamiliar with “Obey,” it started as a “street art campaign” and an “experiment in phenomenology” (according to paradigm of accuracy Wikipedia). And if you’re unfamiliar with street art, it’s basically just pretentious litter.

The Fuji Obey is especially noteworthy because it points to a trend of stylistic “collabos” in the cycling world. There are all types of collabos, but one popular type is when a tired old company attempts to breathe new life into itself by paying someone they’re told is cool to create brilliant new products like this. Or this. Sometimes the collabo is even between two tired old companies, like this. But no matter how they occur, collabos, (or “corporate lame brand offerings”) are tremendously exciting. First of all, they don’t “come out” or “become available.” That’s reserved for boring things like sandwiches, commemorative coins, and heart medicines. Instead, they “drop.” Secondly, collabos allow you to advertise two stupid brands on one product for the price of three.

Collabos are particularly popular in the world of hip-hop, where selling out is not only acceptable but required. Pioneering hip-hop branding collabos over the years include The Wu-Tang Clan and General Foods (Wu-Tang Tang), Ice-T and Folger’s (Ice-T Iced Coffee), and NWA and Kellogg’s (Fuck Tha Police Cereal). And beyond that, collabos have existed as long as people have. Some examples of historical collabos are the Jews and Jesus (Christianity), serfs and rats (the Bubonic Plague), and World War II.

So as fixed-gears become popular with “street culture” enthusiasts, you can expect more and more collabos. Like this one, which is only $6,000, and which I'm surprised Eric Clapton hasn't bought yet:



In fact, even I’m jumping onto the tail end of the collabo pack. After considering numerous offers, I decided to go with discount online retailer bikesdirect.com, for a special limited edition of their Windsor “The Hour.” Here’s the original bike:

And here’s the BSNYC collabo:

Notice the collabo doesn’t have valve caps. I hate valve caps! It will also come with a BSNYC sticker (which you can put on yourself) and will retail for $2,500. (Or about 20 Euros.)

Dropping soon on an internet near you!

This Just In: Apoca-Watch Update

(London calling.)

This very morning, not even an hour ago, I spotted a Specialized London city edition Langster in front of the Apple store in SoHo.

I'm not sure what to make of this confluence of contemporary trends. Seeing a city edition Langster in front of the Apple store is almost like seeing Kenny Rogers eating in a Kenny Rogers Roasters. Does this mean that all is right with the world and the Apocalypse is too busy bar spinning on high to worry about us, or could this be the steed of one of the snug-trousered horsemen who's just stepped inside to purchase an iPhone with which to summon his Apocalyptic riding buddies?

Only time will tell. But one thing is for sure: the rider is confident enough not to have secured either one of his wheels from theft, and the fact that they're still there implies some sort of divine intervention.

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!

Ah yes--what better way to spoil the Friday before a holiday weekend than with a pop quiz? As always, study the pictures as carefully as you can without gagging, read the choices, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll be transported via the relevant link. If you're wrong, you'll find out what it's like to be eternally pursued by Michael J. Fox.

Good luck, and ride safe this weekend. See you Tuesday.






This picture depicts:

--Angelo Moore of Fishbone circa “Truth and Soul” and Phoebe Cates circa “Fast Times At Ridgemont High”

--The proprietors of LA's newest track bike boutique, "Fixatude," in Silverlake

--The "alleycats" look according to an online "one-stop lifestyle boutique"

--The "hipster bike" look according to an upscale department store


(Thanks to Joey of Venice, CA for the link)





The owner of this fixed-gear freestyler is selling his Hed 3s because:


--He's having financial problems


--He keeps rolling tubulars while skidding


--He's upgrading to Zipp discs


--He thinks purple Deep Vs would look "more tighter"






BMC has dropped its Team Elite 01 carbon hardtail from its range. What reason did they give?

--"Unfortunately BMC failed to convert exactly the claimed quality level of the prototypes into the serial production."

--"Despite our best efforts the Team Elite 01 hardtail did not deliver the performance and durability that customers should reasonably expect from a top-notch performance bicycle."

--"Our Taiwanese contrators were unable to realize the designs of our Swiss engineers in a manner that was cost-effective."

--"They kept breaking."

The good people at Fyxomatosis claim (incorrectly) that the rider on the right:

--Is attempting to convince the rider on the left to adopt brakes, bar tape, and a beard

--Is one of the fastest guys on two wheels in NYC

--Is discussing the finer points of jean-cuffing with the rider on the left

--Is in fact reclusive blogger Bike Snob NYC

What is the most likely inspiration for this bicycle?

--Craig Calfee's famous bamboo bikes

--Pandas

--Mr. Garrison's personal transport device

--A homemade bong project gone horribly awry

(Thanks to Jimmy of Brooklyn for the link)

The Potential Dignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Parking Lots

A popular local non-cycling publication called The New York Times is reporting that the 34th Street Partnership is attempting to create a bike parking lot in midtown Manhattan, which they want to make “the premier bike parking facility in the country.” (Of course, I didn’t know about the article until it was read to me by the Canadian anchorman on NY1. If you don’t have cable or don’t live in New York City, every morning a Canadian reads the newspaper out loud to us on TV, complete with accent. Seriously.) Such a lot already exists in Chicago, which would make this concept that city's second-greatest cultural export after Pizzeria Uno. Proponents of the lot cite the fact that secure bicycle parking will encourage more people to commute by bike. While that would be nice, I think that’s short-sighted. In fact, the long-term benefits for cycling are almost immeasurable. Here are just a few:


Fantastic Sponsorship Opportunity

According to the article, all they need to make this parking lot a reality is “a corporation willing to pay as much as $200,000 a year to sponsor the idea.” Big American bike companies easily spend that much putting their misshapen lumps of plastic under the lycra-clad posteriors of professional European cyclists with penchants for house music and ungodly faux-hawks. Certainly at least one of these companies might consider instead using that money to sponsor a parking garage, which would in turn help them put their cheaper misshapen lumps of Taiwanese aluminum under the Docker-clad posteriors of America’s commuters.


New Subculture Potential

Let’s face it—the messenger subculture is largely responsible for many of the trendiest aspects of urban cycling today, and it has dictated the bike choice, bag choice, clothing choice, and lock choice of an entire generation of riders. But with the Apocalypse looming and the whole thing getting a little tired, it’s inevitable that a new subculture will arise to supplant it. But what will that be? Frankly, I’m not sure that subculture exists--yet. Tall bikes, tandems, and recumbents are all too unwieldy, and it’s very difficult to picture the forces of gentrification emulating food delivery people. (Unless thermal food containers become the new messenger bag.) However, if these parking garages employ bike valets, this could give birth to a new segment of the service industry that is ripe for appropriation. Bike valets will be fleet of foot as well as swift on the bike, and their wardrobe will be just the right combination of functional, durable, and irreverent. Furthermore, just as alleycats are designed to replicate the working conditions of the messenger, "valetcats" (in which participants are handed tickets and must quickly find and return with a bike) will evoke all the excitement, risk and glamor of working in a bicycle parking garage. Indeed, handlebar tags are sure to become the new spoke card.


Life Imitating Art

Another upside of having valets is the potential for reenactment of the garage scene from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” only with bicycles. Just imagine the potential for comedy when a truant teenager must reluctantly hand over his father’s vintage De Rosa to a salivating attendant. He’ll be pedaling frantically on the rollers later that day with the front wheel on backwards, wondering why the excess mileage isn’t coming off the handlebar-mounted computer.


Art Imitating Life Imitating Art

We’ve all been waiting for it, and now it can finally happen. That’s right: “Quicksilver II.” Having regained his fortune, Kevin Bacon (with the help of Paul Rodriguez and Jamie Gertz) opens a chain of bicycle parking garages. However, a cadre of drug smugglers is using the oversized downtubes and bottom bracket shells of today’s carbon fiber and aluminum bikes to move vast quantities of heroin and cocaine through the city, and they’re attempting to wrest the garage chain away from our protagonists as it is vital to their operation. You’ll thrill to high-speed bike chase after high-speed bike chase, and you’ll cry as Tiny (Louie Anderson) is shot to death in a gruesome ride-by shooting, but in the end you can count on Bacon and his pals to triumph.


Elevation of Cycling Culture in General

A number of people have pointed out that fixed-gear freestyling has a lot in common with artistic cycling. (Slightly fewer people have pointed out that it also has some things in common with autistic cycling.) In fact, most bar-spinning, stem-humping, leg-over-the-bars-like-an-elephant-trunk tricksters are essentially bicycling Barishnykovs and are little more than a sequined tutu away (if that) from being bike ballerinas. Certainly then we’re at most a decade away from fully choreographed displays of artistic cycling at Lincoln Center, and we can look forward to a time when the cultural elite of this city leave their rides with the bike valet so they can go and enjoy the bike ballet.

Apoca-Watch Update: Retirees on Tall Bikes

With the Pistadex in New York City at a relatively robust 430 (not counting this frame-only offering), it is easy to grow complacent. Lest we forget, however, that just last month Kanye West purchased a Cinelli Vigorelli. So it is vital to remember that the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse looms like a celestial trackstander, its handlebars growing ever twitchier as one of its slip-on Vans prepares to come down from on high and smite us all. And if mere words are not sufficient to strike fear into your hearts, perhaps this photo, sent to me by an alert reader, will force you to sit up and take notice:

Yes, that is indeed two-time Dauphine Libere winner Lance Armstrong enjoying a beverage from a styrofoam cup along with three tall bike enthusiasts. (And yes, that tall bike does indeed have a pie plate on it.)

If you're unfamiliar with tall bikes, they are essentially two really crappy frames welded together to create one extremely crappy bike, and they satisfy the age-old human compulsion to sit up high and look ridiculous. Tall bike enthusiasts are generally the sorts of people who developed a distain for authority relatively late in life, and so they engage in adolescent hijinx into adulthood instead of stopping after middle school like the rest of us. They also refuse to get jobs and they tell their parents to "shut up" well into their 30s. As such, they are fiercely protective of their image and integrity, and tall bikes are one of the few types of bikes not to have been "legitimized" by the bicycle industry in that no company offers a pre-built tall bike. (This probably has less to do with the fact that the bikes are stupid than it does with the fact that The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company just hasn't come up with a cheap enough way to ship the giant boxes yet.) In any case, for better or for worse they are a symbol of underground, alternative bike culture.

Or at least they were until Lance Armstrong, secreting an Olson twin in each pant leg, showed up on the scene. According to the tall bike owner's blog, "WE WERE AT SOME ART SHOW IN AUSTIN AND RAN INTO LANCE ARMSTRONG. WE ASKED HIM IF WOULD TAKE A PICTURE WITH US AND WHEN HE SAW THE TALL BIKE HE WANTED TO RIDE IT!! HAHAA FUKKKIN CRAZZYY!!!" Crazzyy indeed. Surely there is no more mainstream symbol of cycling than Lance Armstrong, and surely his chocolate winding up in the peanut butter of the tall bike scene, however fleetingly, is a giant, throbbing Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of doom. It's not just crazzyy--it's apocalyptic.

Here's Lance about to mount the bike:

Now, I wasn't there, but if I had been I might have tried to tackle Armstrong at this point. Perhaps by preventing him from actually riding the bike I might have been able to stop the prophecy from coming to pass. But alas, I wasn't, and he did:

Note the reflective heels of his Nikes glowing like demon eyes as he propels the hideous contraption forward and the rest of us towards our fate.

Incidentally, the Pistadex in Austin is currently at 400. While this is hardly apocalyptic in itself, thanks to Armstrong's tall bike-riding antics Austin will now not only be famous for being the home of Richard Linklater and Matthew McConaughey's naked bongo freakout--it will also be famous for its role in the Apocalypse.

Meanwhile, there were small signs in New York this morning too. On the Brooklyn Bridge, I saw a cyclocross bike with bullhorns. Then, in front of the Apple store in SoHo, where bike company marketing execs are rumored to scout out the bike rack for inspiration, the usual array of tendy bikes was absent, with just a couple of forlorn 10 speeds in their stead:

And further across town, a brace of fixed-gear freestyles huddled together, as if in anticipation of their own doom:

New Bike Tech: Lo-Fi vs. Hi-Fi

In the world of bicycles, some innovations trickle down from the pros and from the big bike companies, and others bubble up from independent fabricators. Sometimes these innovations are so good that they become widely adopted and eventually become standards. Other times they fail to catch on. Here are two, one from above and one from below, that I feel meet somewhere in the middle and make mud:

BB30 Threadless Bottom Bracket

I don’t know about you, but every time I blow out my birthday candles, put a penny in a fountain, or wind up on the business end of a wishbone, I wish fervently for a new bottom bracket standard. Thankfully, FSA was listening, because here comes the BB30. And not only does it require a dedicated crank, but it also requires a dedicated frame. That means I get to go shopping! The BB30 is based around Cannondale’s 30mm spindle diameter, which they’ve been using awhile and have “made available to the industry for free.” This is less an act of generosity than it is the kind of “If I get everyone else to do it too, I won’t feel so dumb” mentality that makes you buy your friends that fifth round of drinks at 11:30 on a weeknight. Of course, every dumb idea needs an excuse, and the one behind the BB30 is reduced Q-factor, as though up until now straddling a bike was too much like going to the gynecologist. "The biggest concern is from rider physique, related to the crankarm curvature," [Matt Van Enkevort, FSA general manager] said. "Heel hit was a complaint, from CSC riders especially.” Van Enkevort went on to not disclose the fact that FSA don’t like the way their cranks look in pictures with heel rub marks on them, nor to admit that various sponsorship obligations prevent CSC riders from trying more simple things like wearing different shoes or dialing the excessive slop (or “float” if you consider slop a feature) out of their Speedplay pedals. Yes, heel rub is a great reason to redesign both the bottom bracket and the frame, and if the past is any indication, the BB30 system will be a resounding success. Just look at Klein and Merlin, both of whom once offered proprietary press-fit bottom brackets, and both of whom were subsequently subsumed by larger companies.

Wooden Handlebars

Some time ago a reader alerted me to the fact that someone is making and selling wooden handlebars. While my request for an interview with the maker went unanswered, I’ve since seen them here and there on sites like Fixedgeargallery and Velospace, so presumably they’re out there. And while there are safer ways to achieve that flammable look on your bicycle, these bars give you two things a roll of wood-grain contact paper cannot—susceptibility to termites, and that thrilling feeling that your bars might splinter at any moment. Together with a brakeless bike, wooden bars will transport you to that next level of sublime uncertainty, and simply arriving at your destination with all your teeth will feel like a Tour de France stage win. I’m not sure what sort of special care these bars require, but I’m guessing that you treat them like Mogwai: avoid bright light; never get them wet; and never, ever ride them after midnight. I’m also not sure if they come with a warranty, but maybe the builder will make you a nice set of wooden dentures in the event of a catastrophic failure. And if you still want to buy them, I'd suggest getting two, as the second set might be helpful in defending against beavers.

Worst of Craigslist: Weird Weather Bike Love

Here in New York we're finally coming off a stretch of unusually warm winter weather. All over town this past week, fair-weather cyclists liberated their bicycles from basements and storage units, inflated their tires at gas stations, and took to the streets. And because their hormones were duped into thinking it was spring, these riders also awkwardly tried and failed to mate with each-other. As usual, the gristly evidence of these attempts is on Craigslist "Missed Connections," without so much as some police tape to warn you of the carnage. Here's what happens when mild people and mild weather collide:

bburg bridge, blonde boy on bike took pictures of me blowing bubbles - w4m - 21 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/534275056.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-10, 1:31AM EST

it was may and i was the platinum girl blowing bubbles with a friend. you got off of your bike and took a bunch of pictures of us. we were talking about it today and wanted to see them. could you send them my way?



So evocative was the warm weather that people suddenly remembered encounters they had in May. And so cartoonishly stupid is Williamsburg that the bridge that leads to it is actually lined with human bubble machines, like a portal to an alternative dimension of idiocy. If you've never been to Williamsburg, just imagine a real-world Myspace with a Fixedgeargallery overlay. When you cross the Williamsburg Bridge with its graffiti and flyers you get the same feeling you do when you enter a teenager's bedroom. I can only imagine the impromptu photo shoot that ensued when this guy got off his fixed-gear and started snapping away like David Hemmings in Blow-Up. It was surely an orgy of vanity. I don't think this particular bubble blower should hold out much hope, though. May was a long time ago, and he probably realized almost immediately that actual bubble machines have more personality and less predilection for getting embarrassingly drunk at dive bars.

Helped with your bicycle - m4w - 37 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/wch/mis/535220496.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-10, 10:10PM EST

Hey there, I helped get your bike loaded on the bicycle rack. I was the guy from San Francisco who stopped and helped set up the rack.
I hope it stayed on. If you would like to get together for coffee or tea, send me an email. Cheers


New York can be irritating enough without well-meaning San Franciscans wandering around trying to help people like sprout-nibbling, peanut milk-sipping superheroes. There is nothing more annoying than unsolicited assistance, and I'm sure this woman was doing just fine before this guy, buzzing from an organic lunch, fair-trade coffee, and his own smugness, butted in, removed his fleece vest, rolled up his sleeves, and insisted on helping so as to establish this shoddy pretext for an introduction. "Hi! Having trouble with your bike rack? I can help you. I'm from San Francisco. We know racks because we love bikes and we especially love hauling them on our environmentally-friendly hybrid automobiles!" And to top it all off, he closes his post with "Cheers." Americans who say "Cheers" really need to know how stupid they sound. They need to be locked in a room with people who yell, "On your left!," people who say, "At this point in time," and Midwesterners who use Yiddish expressions, and made to listen to themselves. That should be enough to get them all to stop.


beautiful mountian man.... - w4m - 24 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/536947673.html]
Reply to: [deleted)
Date: 2008-01-12, 3:25PM EST

dear burly scarf clad mountain man,

i saw you riding your bike through the treacherous streets of brooklyn and i gasped at your beauty and manly grace as you weaved through the ice and cars. you made my heart go pitter patter. i was astonished by your choice in maroon sweaters with elbow patches since this too is my favorite color. maybe we can share a bike ride and hot cup of co-co by the fire on my bear skin rug. CALL ME.

your bashful brunette

Semi-fictional frontiersman Jeremiah Johnson?

Or bearded comedian Zach Galifianakis?



Walk your dogs down 12th - w4m - 23 (East Village) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/537473554.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-13, 3:08AM EST

i always see you walking your dogs late at night down 12th street. you asked me for a cigarette. you have a cool bike and cool dogs.

Ah yes--two moronic ships of cool passing in the night. Perhaps one day you will meet and discover all the mutual cool things you have in common: cool sneakers; cool bars; cool friends. Maybe he'll even teach you to ride a fixie. You'll revel in each-other's coolness for awhile, and then things will get uncool when you come home one night, his cool bike is in the hallway, and he's in bed with your roommate.

saw you stopping on your bike and taking a photograph of the sky. - m4w - 25 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/538006543.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-13, 5:32PM EST

You were biking through prospect park. You stopped and took a photograph of the sky. I was walking by and we both smiled at each other. I think we were both a little shy and awkward and didn't know what to say, so we just kept going our ways.

if you see this email me, i wanted to talk...

Riding in Prospect Park can be sketchy enough without people suddenly stopping and taking photographs of the goddamn sky. I'd also advise this guy to avoid this woman, lest he want to consign himself to a lifetime of neck-craning and picking out clouds that look like animals. In fact, he already got a reply:

re: saw you stopping on your bike and taking a photograph of the sky. - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/538224711.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-13, 9:30PM EST

maybe this is who you saw, but i think you are looking for a girl and this is a guy: davidhorvitz.com/2008_sky.html

sorry, maybe he knows?

Intrigued, I followed the link, and found it led to the page of someone who promises the following:

"I WILL SEND YOU A PHOTOGRAPH OF THE SKY FOR EVERYDAY IN 2008."

Now that sounds like a great service. In fact, he should offer a deluxe version, where he also includes a photo of his breakfast, and every three weeks or so he mails you an envelope full of his toenail clippings. Now that would be useful!

The Purloined Letter: Ball to Hed

"Ya know what, challenge me! Please, challenge me to go out and just in spite of you bailing, I'll make a better wheel, a cooler wheel, a more dynamic wheel, a lighter and faster wheel - thanks very much for inspiring me!" he said. "I'll send [Steve Hed] a thank you note!"

--Michael Ball, on Steve Hed refusing to sponsor Rock Racing

***

From the desk of
MICHAEL BALL
Rock & Republic
Rock Racing

To:

STEVE HED
Hed Cycling Products

Dear Steve,

Hope your doing good. PSYCH!!! Remember when you wouldn’t give me wheels and I said I’d send you a thank you note? Here it is! Cuz you did me a favor, dude. I didn’t become the King of Pants by giving up. I don’t see problems--I see oppertunity’s! Your the one who missed out, man. We coulda been Ball and Hed—how badass is that? But I don’t even need you. The only Hed I need is the hed I get in the bathroom at Circle Bar every nite!!! From your wife! BURN!!!

So check it. I made my own wheels like I said—designed ‘em myself and everything. It was easy! Easy cuz I gets steezy like Cirque de Soleil with the trapezie. (I just made that up.) Here’s the original drawing I made. This is gonna be a collectors item in a museum:

I know what your thinking. Your thinking “Nobody could make a wheel like this. Its too hard.” Wrong. You couldn’t, but I gave this drawing to the dudes at Orange County Choppers who have the show “American Chopper” on TV which is awesome where they build crazy motorcycles and paint them sick colors and the father gets mad all the time, and their building them right now. The new ROCK WHEELZ are gonna be machined from SOLID ALUMINUM BILLET. Rock Racing rollin’ on DUBS baby. I already got a pair on my V-Rod and their AWESOME. Plus the best part is their gonna make a show about it and I’m gonna be in it and so is Tyler and Floyd! Tyler and Floyd are gonna ride a Harley together while the dad and Mikey ride a bicycle built for two. HISTERICAL!!!

My wheels are so much better than yours. So what you have a wind tunnel. I put the ROCK WHEELZ in a wind tunnel and their so strong they broke the wind tunnel cuz the air couldn’t get thru!!! Their also better than Skaryums from Mavic which are stupid and have a stupid name like a breakfast serial you’d eat on Holloween.

Eat it,

PS: Typed this by myself. Dick.

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Mindless Coffee Zombies

As a cyclist and commuter, I’ve never managed to become completely numb to the stupidity of others. In a city of eight million people, the sheer volume of idiotic acts committed on a daily basis is almost too staggering to comprehend. One would think that I’d build up a tolerance to it eventually, in the same way that people in India can drink the water but a westerner’s face will melt if he so much as uses it to brush his teeth. But this is not the case. I’d say that at least once a morning during my commute I encounter someone doing something so stupid that the stupidity doubles over on itself and becomes a sort of perverse grace, and all I can do is watch and be amazed. (Assuming, that is, that I’m not too busy trying to survive it.)

This morning, I was riding in the bike lane at a leisurely clip on a busy Manhattan street. Things were going as smoothly as you please—so smoothly, in fact, that I should have known stupidity was about to pounce. Sure enough, from amid the cars, a woman suddenly emerged and ran into the bike lane. I don’t know how she made it through multiple lanes of fast-moving rush-hour traffic, but she did. Fortunately (for me) I managed not to hit her.

I wondered what would compel a person to risk her life like that. Was she being pursued by an assailant? Had she in fact been trying to kill herself, only to Frogger her way across the street unscathed by pure dumb luck? Had she been psychically alerted to the fact that, somewhere across town, dingoes were eating her baby? I replayed the scene in my mind, and suddenly it hit me: the coffee.

She had been holding a cup of coffee in her hand, her arm fully outstretched before her like she was handing off a relay baton. No, not like it was a relay baton—like the coffee was somehow pulling her. And her face didn’t have that look of determination you’d expect from someone who’s just risked her life; rather, she had looked at me with a bewildered expression, as though she couldn’t help what she was doing. Her lips moved, too, and while this certainly could have been my imagination, it looked like she was mouthing the words, “Help me.”

I felt like "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in “They Live” when he puts on the sunglasses and is suddenly able to see all the subliminal advertising that the aliens are using to take over the world. I thought of all the stupid things I’ve seen over the years, and I realized most of them had one thing in common: cups of coffee. The idiots who cross against the light and look right through you are holding cups of coffee. The drivers who cut across two lanes of traffic to make a left, or who blow a stop sign, or who run a red light, or who fail to start driving again at a green light, are holding cups of coffee. Even the bike lane salmon coming straight at you on their three-speeds are holding cups of coffee.

I used to think it was cell phones. But stupidity existed before cell phones. It’s the coffee.

So am I saying that cups of coffee are literally pulling people around town against their wills like an Upper East Side dowager drags her recalcitrant Yorkie into Bergdorf Goodman? Yes. What else could explain this kind of behavior? I mean, it's possible that the woman I almost hit had a liver in that coffee cup and was rushing it to the hospital for a transplant, but I find this unlikely. It's got to be the coffee. I’m not sure why this is happening or what the cups of coffee want. They may simply be virus-like, existing only to replicate themselves. This would explain why they drag people to work so vehemently. Work, get paid, buy more coffee. This would also explain the preponderance of Starbucks. It could even explain why roadies in New York City ride endlessly up and down 9W, to and from the cafe in Nyack, even on frigid, blustery days when anybody with any sense would be in the woods on a mountain bike.

Coffee zombies. Mindless coffee zombies.

Something to Ponder: When does a bike's life begin?

In an attempt to gain mastery over my gag reflexes, I was clicking through some of the latest entries on Velospace.org, when I came across this:

While I personally feel that posting a frame and fork on an internet gallery is a bit like announcing your engagement before you've proposed, I realize this is a not uncommon practice in the halls of Velospace, and so I didn't let it concern me. And curious as to what sort of butcher job awaited this particular veal calf, I read on:

Frame:
Trek T1 58cm

Handlebars and Stem:
soon to be... bmx stem and SE mini risers

Fork and Headset:
soon to be... solos with carbon stock fork

Front wheel:
tba

Rear wheel:
black deep v-formula hub

Crankset and Bottom bracket:
soon to be... sugino rd messenger

Saddle and Seat Post:
bontager carbon.

Pedals and Chain:
gusset heavy duty... primo mini bmx

Cog/Gearing et cetera:
46x17

OK, seems like its future is that of a fixed-gear freestyler. I was particularly amused by the "tba" in the front wheel section, as though some highly-anticipated announcement or press release may be forthcoming. I can only speculate as to what sort of revelation awaits us. Has he somehow gotten his hands on an Aerospoke? Will he use a Zipp disc? Or will he blow all of our minds by taking it straight back to the '80s with an ACS Z-rim? Personally, I can't wait to find out, though I admit I was a bit insulted I wasn't invited to the press conference.

But then I read this:

Notes:
Im recieving this friday and it should be built up by monday

What? He doesn't even have the frame yet? OK, posting just a frame is one thing, but posting a frame you don't even have yet is taking things too far. Forget announcing your engagement before proposing--this is like showing naked pictures of your Russian mail-order bride to your friends before your Paypal payment has cleared. I'm assuming then that the picture we're looking at is the one from the eBay auction, or one that the seller sent him, in which case he's getting way ahead of himself. Assuming he even receives the frame, we all know anything can happen during shipping. What comes out of that box is anybody's guess. It could be like going to pick up your mail-order bride at the airport and finding out she's 20 years older than she looked in her picture, bearded, and missing an eye. Lastly, I can think of no better way of tempting fate than by announcing the completion date of a bike build. Anyone who's built a few bikes knows that even the most straightforward project inevitably hits a few snags. Confidently telling the world that the bike will be build Monday pretty much guarantees you're going to strip your bottom bracket threads.

Unwittingly, though, this bike's virtual owner has raised an interesting question: When does a bike's life begin? It's a question I have asked myself often. Does it begin when the order is placed and the money is tendered? Does it begin with the frame, or does it begin when the final component is in place and the bicycle is rideable? Or is a bike's beginning more intangible? Does it begin with that mischevous glint you get in your eye when you decide to build a bike around that spare 26.8 seatpost you've got lying around?

Certainly if you're going to argue that a bike's life begins before it's rideable, then you've at least got to put some time limit on the gestation period. Every cyclist has some spare parts and a harebrained scheme. But until that scheme is a rideable reality, it simply resides in a virtual world of unrealized bar bikes, beater bikes, and rain bikes.

So why is this even important? Is it because we need to determine when a bike is actually a bike so we know when it is acceptable to post pictures of it online? Maybe. More importantly, though, it's vital that we establish when a bicycle is viable so that we know when it is ethical to abort. And while I'm still not sure what the bicycle equivalent of the third trimester is, I'm pretty sure pulling the plug on this particular Trek wouldn't cause any protests.

BSNYC Tuesday Fun Quiz: Special NYC Craigslist Edition

If you're still flush with holiday cash, I can think of no better way to flush it down the toilet than by buying bike stuff on Craigslist. Following are pictures of some items currently available on the NYC bikes for sale list. Simply study the item (if you can bear it), consider the question, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll see the listing. If you're wrong, you'll see an image so horrifying your visual cortex will be branded for eternity. Thanks--and good luck!*

*Disclaimer: since Craigslist listings are time-sensitive, I can't guarantee the listing will still be up when you take the quiz. At the very least, though, you'll still know if you got the right answer.

How much will it cost you to "start the new year off in style?"

--$35

--$45

--$55

--$65

Bikesdirect.com sells this Motobecane Messenger for $349.95. What does the seller want for it?

--$200 or an iPod

--$225 or a Zune

--$250 or some DJ equipment

--$290 or an Xbox

$250 will buy you this set of NJS hubs, as well as the following celebrity endorsement:

--"buttery-smooth" -- Brad from Trackstar

--"retro and totally rad" -- Gina Marie from King Kog

--"superb attention to detail" -- Sheldon Brown from Harris Cyclery

--"no longer available" -- John Dacey from Business Cycles

This helmet is being sold alongside a:

--Vintage Free Agent BMX

--Kona Stinky

--Specialized Langster

--Kawasaki KLR650

No longer made, GT's entry-level track bike, the GTB, has become something of a cult item. How much does this seller want for his?

--$600

--$700

--$800

--$900

In the Craigslist universe, this bar/stem combo is considered:

--"MTB stuff"

--"trick stuff"

--"road stuff"

--"track stuff"

The seller is selling due to:

--impending move

--injury

--the need to pay rent

--disillusionment with the fixed-gear scene

Hiding in Plain Sight: Why Cycling Is The World's Most Popular Underground Activity

Cycling is everywhere. People ride for fitness, pleasure, competition, transportation, and work, and it’s something just about everyone knows how to do. (Sure, you occasionally meet adults who never learned how to ride a bike, but you generally regard them with the sort of suspicion you reserve for people who don’t use email or who can’t do their own laundry.) Nonetheless, cycling is still regarded as a fringe activity. Sure, there are places where cycling is part of the mainstream culture, like Belgium, the Netherlands, and Portland, Oregon, but none of those places are in the United States. Here, cycling occupies approximately the same niche as pornography, in that it’s something that pretty much everybody is familiar with, yet few people seem willing to openly embrace. Lately I’ve been putting some thoughts into just why this is, and I’ve come up with three primary reasons:

1) Negative Portrayal in Hollywood

Over the years, various ethnic groups have been successful in challenging the stereotypical manner in which they have historically been portrayed in film. Cyclists, however, have not. Just watch a film like, say, “You, Me, and Dupree,” in which a dopey Owen Wilson pedals around town on an old Schwinn, tapes his bars from the tops down, and attempts to emulate Lance Armstrong. Or check out “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” in which riding a bicycle symbolizes immaturity, sexual ineptitude, and general dorkitude. You’ll feel madder than Malcolm X watching “Driving Miss Daisy.” Sure, cycling had its Blaxploitation moment with “Quicksilver” in 1986, but other than that it’s pretty much been nerds on 10 speeds.

Which is not to say that cyclists aren’t dorky, mind you. Many of us are. But that doesn’t mean we need to look that way on film. If Hollywood can convince people that pimps are lovable (“Hustle and Flow”), lawyers are interesting (“Michael Clayton”), and Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are still alive (“The Bucket List”), they can make cycling look cool too.

2) Pro Road Cycling

For better or for worse, it takes professional level competition to legitimize any athletic endeavor. Cycling is no exception. And of all the pro cycling disciplines, road cycling gets the most exposure, the most sponsorship money, and the most coverage in the mainstream media. However, apart from the whole Lance Armstrong thing, pro cycling has completely failed to capture the public’s imagination. And that’s going to get worse before it gets better. Why? Teams like Rock Racing.

Jeans and cycling have not come together with more disastrous results since that time your buddy tried to do a double century in his Levis and had to be hospitalized for 3rd degree jock itch. Team owner Michael Ball, with the help of his tan, has been hiring pretty much every disgraced pro he can get his hands on, mouthing off to the press, and generally trying to become the Vince McMahon of cycling. If cycling were a 15 year old girl, he’d be offering her liquor and trying to get into her pants.

But that’s not the problem. I don’t really concern myself with issues like doping and ethics, and I prefer to leave the sporting coverage to the professionals. What I do care about is aesthetics, and Michael Ball is bringing a bad one to cycling. His Rock & Republic clothes are for the kinds of people who watch shows like “Miami Ink,” covet custom choppers, use excessive amounts of Armor All on the dashboards and tire sidewalls of their motor vehicles, and who count things like flat screen TV ownership, toned abs, and threesomes among their life goals. I’d take a hundred Cadences and a thousand boring bank sponsors over this kind of cheese. They even use Escalades as team cars. While I suppose that gives people a rare chance to see one of the word’s most obnoxious SUVs with a bicycle on top of it instead of underneath it, it’s still an offensive image.

Bikes, jeans, and Balls don’t mix. Please take your bling back to 2002 and leave cycling alone.

3) Helmets and Brakeless Riding

It goes without saying that it’s better to wear a helmet than not to wear a helmet. And certainly people should be encouraged to wear them. However, the degree to which people are being encouraged to wear them may be backfiring.

Pro-helmet vehemence has reached the same level as anti-smoking vehemence, which means that many non-cyclists have the impression that simply mounting a bicycle with a bare head is tantamount to suicide. This makes cycling (helmeted or not) seem like a riskier endeavor than it is. Similarly, some riders who do wear helmets consequently feel a layer of security which is falsely enhanced by a sense of self-righteousness, and which runs deeper than the mere inch or so of foam on their heads.

In fact, people put so much faith in helmets that it’s now commonplace to see fixed-gear riders wearing helmets on bikes with no brakes. Choosing a helmet over a brake means that riders are putting way too much confidence in helmets alone, and it suggests a disturbing trend of blind faith and passivity in cycling. This is the same mentality that once made people think that filters would protect them from their cigarettes. Riding a bike with a helmet but no brake is like leaving the stove on when you go to work because you have homeowner’s insurance, or like wearing a condom while you shoot heroin with a dirty needle.

The result is we now have a population split between the notion that cycling is too dangerous to pursue, and the notion that a helmet will save them from anything. And of course both of these notions are wrong. So what happens is, half the people don’t ride in the first place, and the other half wind up lying on the ground under their brakeless bikes wondering why their helmet didn’t make them stop fast enough.

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: “Clapton” by Eric Clapton

As a cyclist, I wear many helmets, among them: crappy racer; irascible commuter; reclusive blogger; and cycling culture anthropologist. In the latter guise, I find it interesting when cycling makes cameos in the mainstream media, since it’s usually a pretty good idea of how the rest of the world sees us. It’s kind of like when punks would appear on shows like “Quincy” and “CHiPs” in the 80s, in that it usually ends up looking pretty dorky out of context. (Think “Quicksilver,” “American Flyers,” and even “The Flying Scotsman.”)

The latest place I’ve found cycling (or at least the subject of bicycles) has popped up is in Eric Clapton’s autobiography, “Clapton.” “Clapton” is currently #6 on the New York Times Hardcover Nonfiction Bestseller List, where it is sandwiched between “Quiet Strength” (“A memoir by the first black coach to win a Super Bowl”) and “Rescuing Sprite” (“A family’s love for an older dog they adopted”), proving once again that the only thing people love more than dogs is guitar virtuosity and football.

Some time ago, I mentioned that Eric Clapton owns a Cinelli track bike without bar tape, an alarming fact which I learned from Dave Moulton. Here it is:

If you don’t know who Eric Clapton is, he is a renowned guitarist who brought the blues to the mainstream. He was also an early adopter of tight trousers and the white man’s afro. Of course, while all of this is very important, I really only care about cycling, so I was curious to see if the subject appeared at all in “Clapton.” And it did, relatively early in fact, on page 10:

My first bike was a James, given to me by Jack [Clapton’s uncle] after I'd pestered him to give me a Triumph Palm Beach, like the one he had, which was metallic scarlet and cream and was as far as I was concerned the ultimate bike...

So what did young Eric do with this bike?

...by taking one of the brakes off, removing the mudguards, stripping it down, and giving it different tires--the kind for riding over mud--I turned it into what we call a “track” bike.

Indeed, years before Clapton was a pioneering musician--before there was even a fixedgeargallery.com or an internet for it to pollute--he was pioneering the conversion. Certainly this is some kind of cultural landmark. Moreover, the bicycle itself may just be the common ancestor of every trendy bicycle that has come after it. Surely, it is the Australopithecine of bicycles. One can only speculate as to what it would be worth today.

Intrigued, I read on. A lot of stuff happens in the next 300 pages, much of it interesting, but none of it is about cycling. He plays in the Yardbirds and Cream, he does LSD with the Monkees, he becomes a junkie and an alcoholic, and he steals one of the Beatles’ wives.

Then, on page 310, paydirt!

...Hiroshi came over to the hotel on his new Cinelli track bike... He is still a leading pioneer in street culture, hence the Cinelli. Track bike riding is taking over from skateboarding in Japan, and Hiroshi is in the avant-garde as usual. I have caught the obsession of course.

Hiroshi is Hiroshi Fujiwara, whom Wikipedia describes as “a popular Japanese musician, trendsetter, producer, and designer, born in 1964.” Throughout “Clapton,” Eric describes his enthusiasm for street culture. Certainly in the 60s he was a vital part of it, but once the book gets to the current century you get that same creepy feeling you get as a teenager when your 50 year old uncle wants to listen to your records with you to show you how hip he is. At any rate, here is Hiroshi working on one of his uber-chic fixed-gear freestylers, which should give you a pretty good idea of what he’s about:

I was hoping that part of Clapton’s obsession with bicycles might involve riding them, but alas, this is not the case:

...I have begun buying vintage road bikes, not to ride but because I have always loved the equipment of cycling, especially bikes and accessories from the sixties.

So there it is. So what have I learned? Firstly, bicycles are very popular with the cultural elite, but as for riding them, not so much. Also, Eric Clapton gave up spending vast amounts of money on heroin and now spends vast amounts of money on things like boats. I’m not sure one’s better than the other, though I suppose the important difference is at least you can take your kids on the boat with you. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, Eric Clapton corroborates a suspicion that many of us already had, which is that track bikes are indeed the new skateboard.

Something to Ponder: Is there a fixed-gear cutoff?

It was officially cold in New York this morning--11 degrees according to the thermometer by the Brooklyn Bridge:



Or, if you're Canadian, European, or pretentious, -12 Celsius.

Of course I realize that not everybody considers this cold. We know all about the extreme temperatures in the Rockies, which fluctuate like a Pro Tour rider's hematocrit. And we're all too familiar with the Bunyanesque tall tales of riders in places like Minnesota who boast that commuting to work in 27 inches of snow is commonplace, and who, when the mercury starts seductively tickling the freezing point's undercarriage, consider it time to take off their arm warmers and bask in the rays of the sun and their own feelings of superiority.

Nonetheless, I feel it's safe to say that 11 degrees is pretty cold. I have a three-point system for determining when it is officially cold outside, and this morning satisfied all three of my conditions:

1) You have difficulty pronouncing words with more than one syllable (the Novocaine Effect)
2) Wiping your runny nose is painfully abrasive (the Frozen Glove Mucus Effect)
3) You cannot differentiate between wind chill- and saddle-induced crotchal numbness (the Genital Numbness Ambiguity Effect)

Now, I’m not one to brag about riding in the cold, nor am I one to criticize those who choose not to subject themselves to it. For each one of us, there’s a point at which cycling goes from enjoyable to unpleasant, and the Universe does not award points for suffering—if it did, anybody who’s ever listened to Ben Folds or watched Bike TV on NYC public access would ascend straight to Nirvana. And if you are riding in the cold, not everybody’s impressed. While some people see a dedicated cyclist braving adverse conditions, others see a frostbitten moron who didn’t have the sense to shell out two bucks for the subway and who’s going to spend the bulk of his day waiting for sensation to return to his extremities.

Still, though, I would have expected to see at least one fixed-gear rider this morning. Instead, it was as though I had stepped into an alternate dimension in which the entire fixed-gear phenomenon never happened. And not only did I not see any fixed-gear riders, but I didn’t even see any of the usual locked-up fixed-gears that have become part of my commuting landscape. The green bikesdirect.com Mercier in front of Saatchi & Saatchi; the pink and white brakeless conversion in front of the gym; even the diminutive, de-decaled chrome Pista in front of the cafe; all gone! In fact, when I entered the URL for fixedgeargallery.com, I half-expected the site to be gone as well. (Fortunately for lovers of brakeless rattletraps everywhere, it was still there, in all it’s craptastic glory.) The only bike I see on the street every day that was still there was this one:




Then again, when you pay for Dura Ace, you ride every day. You gotta get your money’s worth!

The illusion of a post-fixed-gear Apocalyptic world was finally shattered when I saw someone walking with a fixed-gear. I was uncertain if he was walking due to an aversion to the cold or a mechanical problem, and I must confess that I didn't stop to ask if he needed help. (I mean, it's cold out!) I did, however, slow and perform a visual inspection of the bicycle, and everything seemed to be in good working order. That should count for something.

Still, though, this eerie dearth of fixed-gears had me wondering if there is indeed a fixed-gear temperature cutoff--a point at which the environment becomes so inhospitable that these riders cannot ride. Certainly there weren't that many bicycles of any kind, but they were out there. I even saw a Beautiful Godzilla, who blithely ran a light and turned into oncoming traffic as comfortably and casually as if it had been a balmy spring morn. In any case, I shall continue to observe, and if such a cutoff does exist I shall attempt to quantify it.

So far it would appear that the cutoff is above 11 degrees.

BSNYC Product Review: 2008 First Impressions

Yesterday marked the long-awaited release of a new product that’s been hyped ever since Interbike back in October. As a reviewer, I’d been itching to get my hands on it and try it out. Well, I finally received it, and was able to install it and take it for a ride yesterday. Since it was a holiday and the weather was unseasonably warm I managed to get out and spend a few hours on it, and I’m pleased to share with you my first impressions.

Admittedly, when I first received 2008, I was skeptical. I mean, my 2007 was working just fine, with only minimal signs of wear. Chances are I could have gotten at least another 10 years out of it. Furthermore, at first glance, 2008 seems nearly identical to the old model, and when I first took it out of the box I found myself asking, "Is this just the same old chain lube in a different bottle?"

Well, now that I've taken 2008 for a test ride, I can emphatically say that this is not the case. Engineers have carried over the best features of 2007--the seamless seasonal transitions, the seven-day weeks, the predictable day/night transitions--while at the same time refining the overall design even further in order to maximize performance. How did they do so? Let’s take a look.

The first thing riders will notice about 2008 is the extra day. That's right--2008 is a full 24 hours longer than 2007. By figuring out how to place an extra day between the end of February and the beginning of March, 2008’s engineers have in effect created more ride time for you. And more ride time means you’ll have more miles in your legs, which will give you a crucial edge over your competitors come the start of the season. This extra day has been branded “leap year” technology, and while this may cause confusion in the marketplace with SRAM’s “Will you make the leap?” campaign, the performance benefits are obvious.

Another refinement is in the weekends and holidays department. Designed to absorb shock and smooth out your ride, this is a feature that has been copied by many other manufacturers, most notably Specialized with their Zerts inserts. 2008 retains all the 52 weekends of last year’s model, thereby preserving that “stiff yet compliant” feel 2007 was famous for, with the additional benefit of a July 4th that falls on a Friday. On the 2007 model, July 4th fell on a Wednesday, which meant that many riders had to return to work the very next day, without the benefit of either a recovery ride and/or hangover-nursing day.

Okay, so what about the drawbacks? Well, the first bit of bad news is that your 2007 calendar will not be compatible with 2008—unless you’ve got a couple hours to kill with a Sharpie. However, the component aftermarket has already embraced 2008, and a huge variety is already available, including cute puppy, Miss Nude Australia, and shirtless Mormon men. Secondly, that much-touted extra day is a Friday, which means it might be difficult to ride if you’ve got work duties. Finally, 2008 lacks a trimming feature. Frankly, if your 2008 is adjusted properly you won't need it, but even so engineers plan to remedy this by releasing a more expensive "Red" version later in the year.

In all, engineers have truly managed to preserve the qualities that made 2007 so great while at the same time fine-tuning the ride with welcome improvements. Say what you will, 2008 is light-years ahead of its competitors, such as the Hebrew calendar’s tired 5768, the Buddhist calendar’s ponderous 2552, and China’s kludgy Year of the Rat. Of course, I say this every year, but the fact is that 2008 may be the last year you'll ever buy.

The Bottom Line

Buy It If: You loved 2007 and want something longer.
Don’t Buy It If: You’re a retrogrouch who writes the wrong year on your checks.