The Fast and the Spurious: Acting Tough

If you're a cyclist, you're almost certainly moved by the above image. Part bicycle, part recumbent, a dash of paddle boat, a pinch of baby carriage, and all class, the PPV represents a vehicular might-have-been, and this ad is a glimpse into the past which paradoxically reveals to us a future that sadly did not come to pass.  Sure, some might consider this a bullet dodged or at best an evolutionary dead end, but the fact is that the PPV deftly combines the advantages of a car (couples can sit abreast for mutual crotchal access) with those of a bicycle (uses no gas, makes you sweaty).  Of course, it also does away with the speed and relative efficiency of both, but that's a small price to pay.  In an alternate reality this strange sidecar without a motorcycle very well might have become the dominant form of transportation, just as Steve Guttenberg might have become more successful than Tom Hanks, or Joe Piscopo might have reigned supreme over Eddie Murphy, or Campagnolo Icarus might have reduced Shimano XTR to an historical footnote.

Tragically though, in our reality bicycles and cars have come together in a much more objectionable way.  Instead of groovy people doing groovy things to each-other at slow speeds beneath the dashboards of their groovy PPVs, we have this:

I suppose it's only natural that the car customization subculture would merge with the fixed-gear subculture.  After all, both are about doing cartoonish things to your ride that make it look fast but actually slow it down.  Still, it's tremendously disappointing to see bicycles mixed up in something like this--it's kind of like seeing a really smart person from high school turn up in a porno film.  And even worse than seeing bicycles alongside customized Civics is seeing them alongside Ruckus scooters.  That's like seeing the smart person from high school in the porno film getting mounted by a small animal after the human actors have finished.  By the way, you'll note at the bottom of the flyer that they need models for this wretched event.  So if you have a tramp stamp and are interested in dating the sorts of people who are really into speakers, have Bluetooth headsets grafted to their ears, and still live with their parents so they can afford the lease on a BMW then be sure to drop them an email.

So now that fixed-gears and customized cars are cozying up under the same giant flat-brimmed cap of cultural vapidity, the next step can only be that bicycles will become just another vehicular accessory.  In addition to ground effects and a rear wing the custom "whip" will be incomplete without a Yakima rack, a few fixed-gear freestyle bikes on the roof, and some spare decorative Aerospokes in the wheel forks.  Now that gas is getting cheap again and the car dealerships are desperate, I have no doubt we're on the cusp of a horrible future where people drive around our nation's cities, roll up under the elevated expressway, circle the wagons, crank up the sound systems, unload their bicycles, and "session" vigorously for an hour or two before re-racking them and hitting the nearest Wendy's.  (Though I suppose this isn't all that different from what freeriders do already.)

And I guess we're not too far from that as it is:


Hey, don't get me wrong.  As I've said before, there's nothing wrong with owning both bikes and cars.  There's also nothing wrong with using your car to transport your bike.  (Or, if you drive a Smart, with using your bike to transport your car.)  However, there is something slightly incongruous about driving around with a bicycle as ostensibly urban as a brakeless fixed-gear strapped to your trunk.  It's a little bit like having your parents drive you into the city so you can do some graffiti.  I wonder if that Subaru is also brakeless.

Of course, while some fixed-gear riders are cozying up to cars, others are becoming increasingly antagonistic towards them.  Indeed, one of the few things fixed-gear riders share in common these days is the desire to seem tough.  I was shocked and appalled to learn of a fixed-gear bias attack that recently took place in Atlanta:


I had to do a four-hour DJ gig that night at a bar in midtown full of young professionals, so I got back to my apartment (sampson street, studio disco, old fourth ward) at maybe 330 or 4am.
As I tried to turn into my parking lot, there were a group of guys drinking and doing trackstands etc. in my parking lot. It took a long minute or two for them to move so that I could get to my parking spot 50ft. away from where they were. Evidently I grazed one of them. I didn't feel anything as I rode by them, but when I parked my car I was surrounded by guys bashing out my windows/headlights/mirror etc. When I got out of the car I was then attacked, and the individuals demanded money from me. At this point I didn't even know I hit anyone- I thought these guys were just robbers. I took a few punches from the guys before realizing what was going on.

Serious props to the guy that HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A U-LOCK as I tried to head around the corner of my building.

The only thing more pathetic than a bunch of adults drinking and riding their bikes around in a parking lot is a bunch of adults doing so at 4:00am.  Furthermore, no matter what type of cyclist you are and no matter how ridiculous you think all other types of cyclists are, I think we can all agree that one of the greatest things about the bicycle is the freedom of mobility it provides.  To then squander this freedom by riding around in a parking lot is like saving your virginity until you're 30 only to give it away in a public restroom for $19 and a pack of Juicy Fruit.  For all the times I've been enraged to the point of physical violence by drivers telling me I don't belong on the road, this is one time when such a driver would actually be right.  Why would anybody want to be in a parking lot on a bicycle?  Why would anybody want to be in a parking lot at all?  Even drivers don't want to be in parking lots.  They park their cars and they get out.  Parking is the worst part of driving, and not having to park is the best part of cycling.  Unless you're either having a clandestine meeting with Bob Woodward or turning tricks for Juicy Fruit after having been kicked out of bathroom at Wendy's, stick to the roads. 

But fixed-gear riders (and of course triathletes) aren't the only cyclists guilty of unwarranted acts of aggression.  Even cyclocrossers can get excessively cross.  By now you've no doubt read about the recent brawl at Cyclocross Nationals that resulted in a bunch of damaged Richard Sachs bikes:

I can't help but think that this event was staged and that these bikes were targeted specifically.  In the movies when there's a car chase they always make straight for the fruit stand or the crates full of chickens for maximum damage and visual effect.  Similarly, here the participants wound up in a pile of handmade custom bikes instead of falling onto some of the Redlines or Jamises (Jami?) or Surlys that were doubtless also in the vicinity.    I mean, this was a 'cross race.  It's not like a road race where you can't blow a snot rocket without hitting a $6,000 bike.  Sure, it was a National Championship, but it's still remarkable.  Plus, when you factor in all the pit bikes, at a cyclocross race you've actually got at least a 50% chance of falling on a crappy bicycle.  I only hope Richard Sachs figures out that the whole Jonathan Page heckling thing was just a red herring.

I also hope Sachs was smart enough to equip his bikes with Crankskins:

Sure, they wouldn't have protected those fancy Joe Bell paint jobs, but they at least would have protected those crank arms.  And really, when it comes to bicycle components only your actual pedal surface is less worth protecting.  Because nothing says "I ride my bike" like a scuffed crank arm, and that's something you don't want to tell the world.  These should be a tremendous hit with the fixed-gear riders, who can finally customize their cranks to match their Scions.

Lastly, it appears that the only way I'm going to stem the tide of submissions to the Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend) is to set a firm deadline.  And that deadline is December 31st, 2008.  After that, I will choose a winner who will receive not only the pie plate, and the beer cozy, and the elk's tooth, and the chainring, and the smock (if you want it), but also a genuine Boston Whaler decal, courtesy of Bluenoser:



But be warned--if you've got a boat in need of a decal, you're facing some stiff competition.  And I mean crank arm stiff.  Like this one, from Erik K:


Sure, Erik says he's submitting only on the condition that he be ineligible to actually win the contest, but that was before he knew about the decal.

There's also this one from another highly-valued commenter:


As well as this literal take on the ordinarily not-safe-for-work Teabags on Top Tubes, in which the Earl and the Lady are getting down (albeit with strings quite literally attached):


And of course this one, which puts the "seepage" in sepia:

If nothing else, these should underscore the importance of using Crankskins at all times.