Worst of NYC Craigslist: Full-Blown Bike Love

Ah yes, Craigslist Missed Connections--a soap opera wrapped in a reality show cultivated in a Petri dish.  Personally, I'm simultaneously fascinated and disgusted by the role bicycles so often play in human courtship.  If you've ever seen the goofy, awkward mating dances certain birds perform you've got some idea of what's going on out there on our city's streets.  Here are a few mating dances that appear to have been choreographed by a highly intoxicated Cupid:

I see you around everywhere - w4m - 23 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/623666182.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-03-30, 12:51AM EDT

There hasn't been a good time to say hi yet. I often see you at work. You are tall and lanky. I saw you today walking your bike in Williamsburg.

Oh, yeah, that narrows it down. Williamsburg is an entire neighborhood of lanky bike-walkers. Bicycles are to Bedford Avenue as poodles are to Park Avenue, and their owners parade them up and down the sidewalks, the cranks of their fixed drivetrains idly churning like a bemused dog's tail. Of course, Williamsburg's gotten expensive now, and some of the residents without parental support have actually been forced to go and get jobs. Consequently, a cottage industry of bicycle walkers has arisen so that owners can make sure their bicycles are still paraded around the neighborhood during the day while they're off toiling. I'm pretty sure what's happening here is that our poster has become enamored with a professional bike walker.

FOODSWINGS SUNDAY - YOU, GLASSES AND RED TRACK BIKE - m4w - 23 [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/627139351.html]
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-01, 10:53PM EDT

Uh, well, I walked into foodswings during their anniversary on sunday, you had a black hoodie, dark hair, black backpack (with a red light on it) and glasses. you were with a friend of mine named alex. i was the guy who walked in with a friend, wearing the grey raincoat, black hoodie, hat and crusty black pants with a yellow messenger bag. we made eye contact that seemed pretty intense.

later on havemeyer you were on your bike, we were across the street from each other, but made eyes for a majority of the time we were crossing paths.

youve been on my mind since, who are you?

I had to employ a popular internet search engine to learn that Foodswings is a "vegan fast food" establishment, and not some kind of actual swing where you grab an onion ring with your mouth at the apex of your arc. It's located in Brooklyn's ever-growing Ironic District, next to the tax return service for unemployed people and the nail place that does "anti-cures" (which involves distressing the fingertips of people who graduated from schools like Oberlin and Bard so it looks like they perform manual labor and they can tell people they've restored their Lambrettas themselves).

At any rate, why doesn't the poster just ask his friend Alex who this woman is?  And why would he advertise that his pants are crusty?  That to me is an indication of a very nasty sexually-transmitted disease.  And what's with the raincoat?  Maybe he's a serial public masturbator.

bike messenger with big glasses - w4m (Downtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/627351747.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-02, 7:03AM EDT

you're the most handsom thing on two wheels in new york. The kind of baffling beauty that surpasses itself perpetually. And when you gust passed me, I felt you in the tips of my toes.

Wow, the most "handsom" thing on two wheels?!? I thought this was the most hansom thing on two wheels!  Maybe our fetching messenger is indeed delivering missives in the manner of a Louis XIV-era courier, dashing about town in a hansom cab and a powdered wig and unfurling lengthy pieces of parchment from which he reads aloud.  Indeed, perhaps this is the hot new trend in messenger services.  "Hear Ye, Hear Ye!  The Elite Modeling Agency wishes it to be known that they have the perfect model for your ad campaign, and I come bearing etchings of her in her frilly underthings.  Now, I shall require room and board for the night as well as a stable for my horses.  I shall embark upon my return to 23rd Street first thing tomorrow morn."  It would certainly make alleycats more interesting.

RE bike messenger with big glasses - w4m [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/627362468.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-04-02, 7:35AM EDT

"felt me in the tip of your toes" huh? that is so sweet and nice. Thanks. Get at me, and I'll let you feel me in the back of your throat as well.

Uh, OK, maybe I was wrong about the whole courtly messenger thing.