Worst of Craigslist: Diaphanous, Intoxicated, Self-Promoting Bike Love

The sitcom of life has not paused once for a commercial over the past few days. Instead, zany madcap scenario after zany madcap scenario has played itself out on our city's streets. And, tragically, all too often a bicycle was involved. Here are just a few that would prick up the ear of Norman Lear:

sidewalk sale on metropolitan, saturday - w4m - 24 (williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658887209.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:47PM EDT


i was walking my bike and looked briefly at some fabric you had out on the sidewalk. you yelled out that i should take them now for 25 cents. i said i'd be back and you yelled that again.

you were sitting with a girl and maybe she wasn't your girlfriend? cuz, i think you're cute.


Despite the fact that fixed-gears are ostensibly all about simplicity, people are putting anything they can find onto them. (Except for brakes and derailleurs, of course.) Popular accoutrements include reading material, leather tourniquets, pipe insulation, foam blocks, and of course bits of knotted cloth. (The latter example also sports a tennis ball in the spokes for impromptu tennis games, a saddle/security system with a combined weight of 14lbs, and a stem that looks like a phallus during a routine medical checkup or after a cold swim.)

I like to think that this particular cyclist was browsing fabric sales in search of diaphanous schmatas with which to adorn her bicycle so that it might attain that Stephen Tyler’s Mic Stand/Stevie Nicks look that’s currently in vogue. It’s about time bike fashion went beyond simple top tube pads and bandanas to full-blown haute couture. Who knows? This poster may be a pioneer of Pista Pret-a-Porter.

I lost my keys last night b/c I can't ride my bike when I'm drunk (park slope/prospect heights) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658131871.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:51AM EDT


Please take pity on me: I thought I would ride my bike home last night from the bar, but since I grossly overestimated my biking-while-drunk skills, I paid the price. Not only did I fall over on my bike practically as soon as I got on (meaning I have very painful limbs and joints this morning and will soon have some awesome bruises), I somehow LOST my keys and beloved keychain. Obviously it would be incredibly convenient to get my keys back, but what pains me the most - even more than my knee, which is a lot - is the loss of the keychain I got as a gift years ago. It's a little metal soccer player man, and it says "BEB" on one side and "Brazil" on his hat. If you find it, PLEASE contact me to return it. I will be eternally grateful.

Thanks!!

Firstly, I’d like to state unequivocally for the record that I’m against cycling while intoxicated. If you must ride a bicycle to a bar, make sure it is a tandem and that you’ve got a designated captain who will remain sober for the evening. Obviously this person is lucky to have only lost his keys. That said, I did also find the following posting in the Craigslist “Lost and Found” section and can’t help thinking they’re related:

"Hi. This is a bit embarrassing, but I woke up Sunday morning with some abdominal discomfort after a bout of heavy drinking, and it turns out that somehow a Brazilian novelty soccer keychain must have made its way into my body cavity during the course of the night. (The last thing I remember is chants of “Forza Brazil!” and a lot of metallic jingling.) If for some reason you still want it back, please let me know. I’d also appreciate your reimbursing me for the medical expenses I’ve incurred."

Of course, it’s also possible that they’re the car keys with which bike blogger, Aerospoke enthusiast, and fixed-gear flim-flam victim Michael Green was duped. In any case, it’s an intriguing but potentially disgusting mystery.

You were riding a bicycle - m4w - 20 (Midtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/654111052.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-24, 12:12AM EDT


So, I saw you riding your bicycle in Central Park up around the 70th or 80th Street Area on the West Side... you had blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell. I don't remember what you were wearing... but I was wearing deep navy blue dress pants, a light blue colored shirt, and a plum colored tie. I was carrying around my black handbag on my left shoulder which says "NYSE" on it. You passed me by on the bike while smiling around 4 PM something... and then looked back at me after you passed. Then, around 5 PM something, after I walked from the middle of Central Park to Central Park South, I saw you pass by me again on the bike path. Again, I recognized you as soon as I saw you, and then I turned my head to see you... you were already about 100 feet off or so, and then you looked back at me, I'm *certain* it was because you had remembered me from before. I'd be absolutely AMAZED if we met again. Perhaps I will go for a walk in the park tomorrow as well and see if I see you again, same place, same time. I've included pictures below so perhaps you will recognize me.

It’s all too rare that a Missed Connections suitor actually includes a picture. Usually they limit their postings to a description like “I was the guy on the sidewalk wearing the shirt and the hat. If you see this hit me up.” In this case, though, we get full disclosure. In fact, the poster barely knows what his dream girl looks like. She had “blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell,” and he doesn’t even remember what she was wearing. But he sure remembers what he was wearing! He even makes sure to mention the NYSE bag so we know he’s somehow affiliated with the stock exchange. Amir seems to be casting a wide net intended to ensare any fair-haired female cyclist in Central Park looking to date an aspiring young stockbroker or financier. Let’s take a look at his photos:






Ah, the old "hold the camera away from you" self-portrait. An endearing classic.








The "camera-phone-in-the-mirror infinity shot." Mind bending, and an indicator that perhaps the soul of an artist lies beneath the eggplant-colored shirt and conservative exterior.








Wow, a professional headshot! With credits! This may be the world's most expensive Craigslist posting.






Another professional headshot. The first one was for professional networking use, but this one's strictly for the ladies. It's meant to highlight his sex appeal and dashing good looks rather than his business acumen. It's also useful for when Hollywood comes calling. With this shot it's entirely possible that Amir's Craigslist posting budget has officially exceeded the $1,000 mark. That's a lot of money--you can almost buy two well-used Pistas on Craigslist for that kinda scratch! I only hope it pays off for him. I have a feeling this kid is going places.