From the BSNYC Culture Desk: Toon in to "Bikestyle!"

As the moment of my shark-jumping draws ever closer, I'm proud to announce that I've reached another inevitable milestone in that process: the changing of my name from "BikeSnobNYC" to an unpronounceable symbol. After much consideration, I have chosen as my symbol actor Rip Torn's mug shot:

You will kindly address me thusly from now until my waterskis touch down safely on the other side of the toothy fish.

Moving on, a document has recently crossed my desk which I feel warrants attention. Apparently a graffiti artist by the name of Toons feels that bicycles have become sufficiently trendy to incorporate them into his work. So he's begun to customize them. In fact, this summer (right around the time of my BSNYC SUMMER LIVE-BLOGGING SPECTACULAR!!!, as it happens) he's going to be exhibiting (and presumably selling) them in an "art show/product expose/promotional party" called "Bikestyle."

The organizers of this event are currently shopping for sponsorship, which I recently had the pleasure of reading. I thought this would be of interest to my readers as well, so I'm pleased to present their sales pitch below for your perusal. My comments, from which I could not refrain, are in red.

Name of event: BIKESTYLE
Type of event:
Art Show, Product Expose, Promotional Party
Exhibition Dates:
June 21st - July 19th
Expected attendance:
400 patrons per event

Another word for this type of event is "Style-Whoring Ego Bacchanaal," and when they say "patrons" they mean "johns."

Dates/ Hours of event:
June 19th, June 20th: Press Day & Pre-Opening for Bike buyers
June 21st : Exhibit Opening/ After Party 7-12am
June 28th : Flatland BMX & Fix Gear Showcase by Pro Rider Jesse Puente &
Kio. Special musical guest Lou Dog on Drums and MC Elay Kauhe 7-12am.
July 4th : “Firecracker Ride” feat. Critical Mass Bicycle Group Ride & Movie,
including Midnight Riders Art Auction for Aids 7-12am.
July 12th Bike Company & Sponsor Vendor Sales/ Promotion Day
July 19th : Exhibit Closing/ After Party “Bike Fellowship Party Jam & Photo
Shoot” 4-10pm
Contact Information:
J. Swift, Owner, The Underground Agency, [deleted],
[deleted]
Event location:
Currently Open!

Holy crap, Lou Dog is playing! I am so there. Glad they've incorporated a Critical Mass ride, because I think this is everything Critical Mass stands for. I have a feeling this may be the first one ever in which half of the participants will be driving Toyota FJs.

Event description:
Bikestyler Customs by Toons debuts a creative collection of art enhanced
custom bicycles and all related items. Bikestyler transforms bicycles into one-ofa-
kind works of functional art. The show will feature 25 Bikestyler creations;
works on canvass, and fully customized bicycle helmets. Entertainment will be
provided by LA-based DJ..s, musicians, and filmmakers.

Okay, who is Toons, and what qualifies him to paint on bikes?

Toons is a self-taught, independent artist using his background in graffiti and fine
art to create exciting graphic and conceptual designs. Toons' boundless artistic
vision allows him to see the world as his canvass. For this reason his bold
designs can be found on surfaces of all kinds along with products he embraces
with a personal passion. Reflecting a bold and fearless style cultivated on the
streets painting massive murals with American collectives TCB and ICU, Toons
art is reaching an ever-widening audience through his association with supportive
sponsors and his involvement with art-based organizations. His talents have led
to impressive assignments such as curator for the Academy of Arts in Germany,
and the European art collective Live Demo.

I see. Thank heavens Toons has deigned to visit the world of cycling and scribble all over our bicycles. I wonder what lifestyle sport he'll bless next. Maybe he can go paint on some golf clubs.

Toons has extensive experience as creative consultant for companies looking to
appeal to the highly critical urban market. Companies including Puma, Levi,
Priority Records, Showtime, X-Box, and recent clients Boost Mobile, Pepsi, and
LA Ink have relied on Toons' ability to capture the essence of their products, and
convey a creative message to the marketplace. To keep sharp in the streets,
Toons can frequently be found painting live at art exhibits, murals, nightclubs, car
shows, and other showcases dedicated to authentic art and culture.

Good, so he's done fleecing the entertainment, telecommunications, and food and beverage industries, so now he's coming to shake down the bicycle industry. Will it be stupid enough to fall under Toons' spell too? I'm glad he's out there keeping sharp by painting live at "showcases dedicated to authentic art and culture." Maybe one day you'll see him with an easel at an alleycat or something. If you do, please kick it over for me.

Logo Opportunity:
Your company will have the option to place your logo on featured Bikestyler
Custom Bicycles, displays, wall paintings, our limited edition laminated bicycle
spoke cards announcing the event, the Festival Banner, Festival Poster, and
Commerative Art Show t-shirt. Bikestyler Customs will produce a complete
electronic media kit including an event invitation, email blasts, Internet blog, and
video announcements.

Yes, please blast the world with my logo! What do I have to do?

Sponsorship Opportunity details
Sponsorship includes insertion in full publicity package by gallery and private
publicity firm. Promotion will go to art, fashion, sports, youth, design, advertising,
film, production and print/TV media. We will also mail to sponsor's mailing lists.

Event/Sponsorship Cost:

Level One: Top Gear Unlimited $10,000

Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation via a
fully designed bike, corresponding wall display, an original Toons One designed
accessory package (bike gear), coordinating designer fashion package that
includes outfit of sponsor's choice.

Top Gear Unlimited Sponsorship also offers placement of company banner at all
events, Logo on 300 limited edition laminated bicycle spoke cards.
Logo on event banner, 300 art show t-shirts, 300 event posters, 10,000 art show
flyer, electronic event invitation, email blast and video blog.

Oooh! Spoke cards! Laminated spoke cards!

(I think this means spoke cards have officially Jumped the Shark.)

Level Two: Strictly Styling $6,500
Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation via a
fully designed bike, and corresponding designer fashion package that includes
outfit of sponsor's choice.

The Strictly Styling Sponsorship also offers placement of company name and
logo on 300 limited edition laminated bicycle spoke cards, Logo on all event
banners, 300 art show t-shirts, 300 event posters, 10,000 art show flyers,
electronic event invitation, email blast and video blog.

Does this include a gold-plated bucket with my logo on it so I can puke my freaking guts out into it?

Level Three: Cold Cruising $3,500
Toons will integrate your company name and logo into the art installation in the
Styled Parts display featuring Bikestyler Custom designed frames, parts, and
accessories.

The Cold Cruising Sponsorship also offers placement of company name and logo
on 10,000 art show flyers, 300 event posters, electronic event invitation, email
blast and video blog.

***We are open to entertaining other gracious offers from sponsors so please
contact us with questions, suggestions, ideas, etc. Join in the fun today!

Here's a question: how much would it cost me to get Toons to ride one of his "one-of-a-kind works of functional art" off of the Santa Monica Pier while dressed as Grover and singing the theme song to "Sesame Street?" Because I'd like to see that. I'll even pay extra if I can get Lou Dog to accompany him on the one-and-twos.

Committed Event Sponsors/ Partners:

[Names deleted to protect the guilty.]

Targeted Sponsors (partial list):

Bern Helmets
Campagnolo
Chris King
Dangerboy
SE Bikes
SLB
Swobo
Industry Nine
Apple Computers
Starbucks
Levi Strauss
Urb Magazine
Rouge Status
XLarge
Absolut
Red Bull
Red Stripe
Sambazon

Some of these companies are certainly fine by themselves. Some of these companies even make products that go well together. However, I will go so far as to say if you consume products by more than nine of these companies at once, you either are or aspire to be Michael Ball.

Wow, that sure was a lot of words. Just in case you're not sold yet, though, here are a few examples of Toons' work:

By the way, did I mention I'm purchasing the $10,000 "Level One: Top Gear Unlimited" sponsorship package? Yeah, I want my logo on the art bike with the threaded-to-threadless adapter and the misaligned anodized purple brake pad which has already nicely marred the powdercoated non-machined rim. I'm getting the sense that while Toons may be quite marketing-savvy he doesn't pay much attention to detail. You know, the Mutant stem came in a quill version too. What's the matter, was the buy-it-now on eBay too high? I wonder if, for an additional five bucks, Toons could be bothered to remove that NOS Michelin and put it back on with the label aligned with the valve stem for me.

This is obviously a work-in-progress, and it's a promising one. In fact, it promises to be an affront to at least two types of bicycle. I've always wanted to see what the result would be if a fixed-gear freestyle bike and a hybrid mated. Here it is--though something tells me when they hooked up the sex was not consentual.

"Whoa, sorry! This is a headshop. I was just looking for bike parts. What? These are bike parts?" I'm hoping these parts were made specially for Keith Richards' new fixed-gear, because he's the only person I could see riding something like this. Thank you, Toons, for painting our culture with the same crappy brush you've already used on sneakers, cars, album covers, energy drink cans, and whatever else you get paid to design. And thanks "Underground Agency" for the opportunity to be a part of it.