The Current Score: NYPD 1, Vision Zero

So apparently there's this whole Vision Zero conference going on downtown, which I didn't even know about because I'm too busy watching the Netflix:

I'm sorry I'm missing it too, because apparently our police commissioner graced them with his presence in order to tell everybody that Vision Zero isn't possible:

At #VisionZero2016 - @CommissBratton says vision zero not possible - @NYC_SafeStreets @transalt disagree

— Caroline Samponaro (@carolinesampo) March 10, 2016

That's the spirit.

Of course, if he really thinks Vision Zero is impossible then why bother with all those bicycle crackdowns?  You know, the ones that are for our own safety:

Sure, nothing makes you feel loved like an NYPD tackle-n-ticket, though if they really cared about us they'd also fine us $425 for trackstanding like in Sydney:

We're informed 2 cyclists were booked today $425 for "track standing" waiting for signal @ Centennial Pk, Sydney. Are we feeling safer yet?

— Australian Cyclists (@icycleivote) March 9, 2016

Because we all know how dangerous trackstanding can be:



I'd say there's a good chance clipless pedals will be illegal in New South Wales by this time next year.

I also missed Janette Sadik-Khan and David Byrne at Barnes and Noble last night, both of whom stunned the crowd by arriving in a stretch Hummer limousine after swinging by the Sbarro in Times Square:

"It's not mine, it's a rental," explained Byrne, who does not own a car.

After the event, New York City's livable streets advocacy elite partied the rest of the night away in the 9th Avenue protected bike lane while ensconced the anonymity of the Hummer's lavish interior:

"Do you know who I am!?!," an intoxicated Sadikh-Khan was heard to scream at one point after an angry cyclist pounded on the Hummer's hood.  "I built this bike lane!"

Then they made Vines of themselves ghost-riding Citi Bikes into the Hudson.

Speaking of cyclists and safety, even the pros fall victim to reckless drivers, as the impressively-named Stig Broeckx recently demonstrated at Kuurne-Brussel-Kuurne:



This is merely the latest example of press and support vehicles taking out riders, and Jonathan Vaughters (whose erstwhile sideburns have now joined forces in the form of a beard) recently addressed the issue:

Then perhaps the answer is to reduce the number of vehicles? So whose interest do we diminish? If the TV motorcycles and media cars are removed, then the race will fade to obscurity and no longer be able to meet costs of production. If the judges are removed, the race will devolve into a “Mad Max” version of cycling. If the team cars are removed, the riders will have no support for their efforts. The solutions aren't clear.

It seems pretty obvious to me the answer is the "Mad Max" scenario, because that would be awesome, but surprisingly Vaughters instead says pro cycling should emulate the NFL:

Solutions to these issues? Simple. Align the business interests so everyone decides what is best together, in advance, and live by those decisions. Maybe racing in the snow makes sense if everyone has brought snow tires and heavy parkas to begin with? Maybe the business benefits outweigh the negatives if done in a safe way? Maybe fewer cars and less officiating and media makes sense? Maybe not?

Risks and rewards must be chosen by all parties. But since the teams and riders aren't part of the business of producing a race — many race organizers view riders and teams as nuisances, frankly — interests aren’t shared. Riders have to rely on decision-making from people who are highly invested in the business of producing a race. And that decision-making will reflect what is best for the race organizer. Not the teams and athletes.

How does aligning business interests look? Just like any major-league sport: The teams and the events are one and the same. The NFL, and all its franchise teams, run the Super Bowl, benefit from the Super Bowl, and also carry the risks and liabilities of the Super Bowl. There is no "Super Bowl organizer" running a completely separate business from the teams competing in the Super Bowl and making decisions that the teams know nothing about.

Which, ironically (or not), is pretty much what his arch-nemesis Lance Armstrong thinks as well:

“We talked earlier about the anti-doping whereabouts system … I do think there has to be a period, if it’s in the race, there has to be a nighttime period … you just can’t go and wake somebody up. Say you have 10 favourites at the Tour de France. It’s the night before a big mountain stage, and one guy gets woken up? I mean, if you’re going to wake up all 10, maybe that’s different. But if one of them gets woken up, and nine get to sleep through the night, and the one guy that got woken up is a really shitty sleeper, he didn’t go back to bed … his Tour is over. I don’t agree with that.

“That idea is where a union is needed. There has to be someone who stands up and says, ‘No, we’re not going to do that.’ Travis might want to do that, or WADA, or the UCI, but these riders, as a whole, as a union, have to say ‘no.’ Just like any other sport. Look at the NFL. Look at Major League Baseball. ‘Uh uh. We get it, you want clean sport. We like that ideal. We’ll do what we can. But we’re not going to do that. And, by the way, we’re not going to do a lot of other things, either. We’re not going to ride on shitty, dangerous circuits and risk our lives. There are all these things in place that we’re not going to do.’

So basically what they're saying is the sport needs to run its own races and accept a certain amount of doping--which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense, though you'll still have the problem of errant dogs:



Yes, dogs and bikes don't always mix well, though that doesn't stop people from trying.  Consider this advice a reader recently forwarded me:

Biking with Dogs

First, wearing the right apparel is important for both dogs and humans. If biking late at night to avoid NYC traffic, hot asphalt and heatstroke, dogs should wear flashing lights, slip collars and short leather leashes. Flexi-leads and chain leashes are not recommended as they could lead to an accident or injure someone seriously in a crash. You should wear light colored clothing, a reflective vest and helmet.

What, no helmet for the dog!?!

New York City biking presents some challenges. First, oil slicks on the street. In NYC, our bike lanes are on the left, so we suggest holding the leash in the left hand and having a really good brake mounted for right hand use, but the dogs have to contend with car doors from cars parking to the left of the bike lane, which could injure the rider or the dog.

I should mention at this point that the reader who forwarded me this apparently received it via a triathlon group, and the only bigger disaster in the making I can think of than a triathlete riding while holding a dog leash is a Donald Trump presidency.

In addition to watching out for car doors, you can train your dog to run right alongside of your bike, not in front of or lagging behind. Dogs can run faster than you can bike and if they get out ahead could easily pull you over. Let them lag behind and cross over to the right and they could spin the biker around like a top. Other dangers include wildlife, which distract the dogs and may cause them to bolt. In NYC, dogs can easily be distracted by rats or intimidated by police horses. Our orthopedic surgeons recommend you wait until a dog is about a year old to bike them. Heavy exercise in young dogs may lead to orthopedic issues in adulthood.

Or, you know, just LEAVE THE DOG AT HOME and bring the it to the dog run after your ride, but I suppose that doesn't evoke the timeless bond between human and canine:

(Before the advent of the mass-produced cycling helmet, riders wore dogs for protection.)

Lastly, while we're on the subject of timeless themes, here's an interesting treatise on #whatpressureyourunning:

(Via @bostonbybike)

It's worth a read, though all you really need to know is this:

Even simpler, here is a summary in two sentences:

--Ride the tire pressure that feels good to you.
--When in doubt, let out some air.

It’s really that simple!

It really is.

By the way, Jan Heine has written quite a bit about wide 650b tires, and they're now officially being embraced by the Fred set:

Road Plus retains the same geometry as existing endurance road bikes but adds a high volume, tubeless 650b wheel and tire in place of a 700c. With the 650b x 47c Horizon Plus having the same overall diameter as a 700 x 28c tire, it only requires a little more chainstay clearance than a traditional road tire. Match it to a KOM i23 or i25 650b TCS rim and you have a light, high volume, fast rolling setup without going back to the drawing board for frame design.

(Bicycle Retailer)

Now that we've been liberated from the constraints of rim brake caliper positioning I guess we'll be seeing some serious wheel size fluctuations.

That's certainly not a bad thing, but I'd wait at least 10 years for it all to settle down.

Sorry I'm late, I was looking for my keys.

A helmet saved my live this morning.

So what happened?  Did I go flying over the bars, land on my head, and immediately break into a celebratory helmeted headspin because I was uninjured thanks to my plastic hat?


Hardly.

No, the manner in which a helmet saved me had nothing to do with head protection at all.

See, as a semi-professional bike blogger and recovering Fred I have like eleventy million bikes, most of which I keep under lock and key.  And like anybody with eleventy million bikes under lock and key, I have a ridiculously crowded dungeon master-like keyring on which I keep most of my bike lock keys:

(People actually pay for this shit.  Who knew?)

Well, this morning as I prepared for my bike commute I reached for my dungeon master keyring only to find that it was not in its appointed place.  I panicked.  Without it, not only would I be unable to access the majority of my Fred sleds, but we'd also be totally locked out of the Familial Smugness Fleet:

Shit.

(By the way, as you can see from the foundation in the background of the above photo, we do live in a castle, which explains why I keep my Fred sleds in a dungeon.)

My first thought was that maybe I'd left my keys in the wheel lock of my WorkCycles because that's exactly the sort of stupid thing I'm liable to do, so I fetched my oil lantern, grabbed a torch off the wall, and ran downstairs to check:

(Walk-up.)

No dice.

At this point you're smugly thinking to yourself one or both of the following:

1) Don't you keep spare keys to all your bike locks in a safe place?

2) Remember how you made fun of those "smartlocks" you can open with your phone?  Who's laughing now?

Well, here are my answers:

1) Yeah, right.

2) Nah, still stupid.  You think someone who can't hold onto his keys is capable of keeping his phone charged?

Anyway, just as I was about to ask the Con Ed crew down the street if they had an angle grinder I could borrow I realized that the last time I'd used my bike keys I'd been schlepping not one but both of my human children.  And anybody who's unloaded more than one child at a time from any kind of vehicle--a bike, a car, a plane, a boat, what have you--knows that it's a complete shitshow as you attempt to juggle both them and their belongings.  I mean sure, noted actor Liev Schreiber may look dashing hauling the kids around on his WorkCycles, but just wait until he has to get them off of it:

Just kidding, everybody knows noted actor Liev Schreiber has a smugness butler whose job it is to unload his bikes for him, and everybody also knows if you get too close to him with a camera he'll throw a terrier at you:

(Liev Schreiber with his throwing dog.)

Well, I should say everybody but me.  But now I know too, and I've got the bite marks on my face to prove it.

Anyway, as I remembered leaving the bike with a child under each arm and about fifty tote bags in my teeth, I hoped against hope that maybe--just maybe--in all the mishegas of disembarking I'd put my keys in the baby's helmet.  Because really, let's be honest: the only thing even remotely useful about helmets is that you can hold them by the chin strap and use them to help carry stuff when your hands are full.

So I ran back upstairs:

And wouldn't you know it, there were my keys, safe inside the baby's brain bucket.

Therefore, the helmet saved my life, because without access to my bikes I am nothing.  NOTHING!

So now, having failed to get me on the "smartlock" thing, you're probably wondering: "Hey Bike Snit, you're always talking crab about helmets, yet you make your precious baby wear one.  Doesn't that make you a hypocrite?"

Well, maybe yes and maybe no, but the reason I put a helmet on the baby doesn't really have anything to do with safety.  See, I don't think wearing a helmet on a bike makes him appreciably safer--and if I did I'd make him wear it in the house too, since that's where the real danger is.  When you consider all the dumb stuff babies do in a house--goading the cat, rappelling down the bookshelves, launching themselves head first into an empty bathtub--you realize that strapped into a seat on a bike and traveling at slightly more than walking speed is just about the safest place they could possibly be, regardless of what they've got on their heads.

No, the reason I put a helmet on the baby is mostly to pre-empt any criticism, because even though I do my best to ignore other people's opinions even I have my limits and don't relish the idea of debating with strangers.  (Though if I know you I'll happily tell you to go fuck yourself.)  Plus, the truth is that kids love to wear helmets.  My older kid will often insist on wearing his, even though I tell him it looks stupid, show him pictures of a bareheaded Jaques Anquetil, and scream about how he's ripping out my heart.  Even the baby likes wearing one, and he'll bring it to me when he wants to go outside, which is adorable.  Then he'll try to brain the cat with it.

And if you're wondering which helmet I slap on the baby, I'm using the "Baby Nutty," which sounds like a good name for a rapper:

Besides the fun colors, the best thing about the Baby Nutty is the magnetic buckle, because if you've ever gotten your kid's chin caught in a regular buckle you know how annoying it is to have to wait for them to cry it out.  (Yeah, also their feelings, yadda yadda.)

What I really can't stand though is the smug little decal they put on every single Nutcase helmet, child or otherwise:

When I see this on a child's helmet I think, "Oh please, you don't even know what a brain is, and if you saw one you'd cry."  And when I see it on an adult I just think, "Screw you and your brain, you're a freaking idiot."

All that aside, if you're going to strap the illusion of safety onto your kid's melon, Nutcase is a good way to go--though I might start selling an upgraded sticker kit so you can cover that decal:

Now I've just got to do something about his shoes, because like all babies he removes them and throws them off the bike while we're riding, which I don't realize until we arrive at our destination.  In fact the other day I had to backtrack quite a ways in order to find one:

You can just make out my nonplussed visage in the bell:

Maybe I should get him some SPD baby shoes and make some footrests out of an old pair of mountain bike pedals.

Anyway, once I had my dungeon keys I was able to liberate an appropriate Fred sled for my morning commute, which was a good thing because it's a beautiful day today even though the trees are still dead:

This street is right by my castle.  If you squint while you're climbing you can almost convince yourself you're on a mountain pass somewhere, but really it's a New York City street with a number and everything.

In other words, I spend a lot of time squinting while I'm riding, and generally live my life in a state of constant denial.

Speaking of cycling in New York City, much of our bike infrastructure was implemented by former DOT Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan, who has a new book out:

Which was recently excerpted by New York magazine:

Never underestimate the anger directed at bicyclists. They ride too fast, terrorizing pedestrians. They ride too slow, dangerously obstructing drivers. They don’t wear helmets or reflective bike gear, jeopardizing themselves. They shouldn’t ride in streets, which are hostile, car-only zones. They shouldn’t have their own lanes because there aren’t enough of them to take away space from cars. Yet there are so many of them that they’re running down pedestrians and therefore shouldn’t ride on sidewalks.

Tell me about it.

I particularly enjoyed this trip down (bright green and buffered, presumably) memory lane:

The bike backlash of early 2011 were the toughest months I’ve ever endured professionally. Newspapers, radio stations, and blogs delivered damning quotes from shopkeepers, people in cars, schoolteachers, and crossing guards to inflame the debate. We were accused of ignoring community views and ramming projects down communities’ throats, making streets dangerous and killing businesses. Every day brought new stories of misery, not just about Prospect Park West but about every bike project old or new, plazas already constructed, and phantom projects that hadn’t even been proposed.

A reporter questioned a bike-lane project on Manhattan’s Second Avenue that ran near the Israeli consulate. “Imagine if the man on the bike was a terrorist!” John Cassidy of The New Yorker claimed that our polices represented the views of “a small faddist minority intent on foisting its bi-pedalist views on a disinterested or actively reluctant populace.” In the New York Post, Cindy Adams dubbed me the “wacko nutso bike commissioner.” Blistering critiques of the bike backlash and my starring role in it fueled a major story in the Times. The lead quote in that piece came from Anthony Weiner, at the time a candidate for mayor, who said that during his first term, “I’m going to have a bunch of ribbon-cuttings tearing out your fucking bike lanes.” The backlash landed on the cover of this magazine with a photo illustration containing every urban street-fight cliché: two aggressive men riding bikes the wrong way; horrified pedestrians; a car blocking a bike lane; and the headline “Not Quite Copenhagen. Is New York Too New York for Bike Lanes?”

Sadly I'm not sure you can declare the bike wars over until the city and state stop sanctioning homicidal driving and the NYPD ends its official policy of "no criminality suspected" when it comes to dead cyclists and pedestrians, but that doesn't make the sheer scope of what Janette Sadik-Khan accomplished as DOT Commissioner any less impressive.

Speaking of new books, I know someone else who's got one coming out:

(Hint: it's me!)

And with the weather turning pleasant there's a very good chance I'll use its impending publication as an excuse to hang out somewhere nice and give people some free stuff in the very near future, so stay tuned.

Lastly, I have glimpsed the future, and it is the Running Bike:



Which, as far as I can tell, combines the leg-pumping motion of the ElliptiGO with the sheer misery of PowerCranks:

They really should be marketing this to roadies.  Put that drivetrain on a carbon frame and cite some spurious data about "fitness gains" and they'll be all over it.

No Corner Of The Earth Will Be Spared The Scourge of Fredness

Group ride not cutting it anymore?  Can't shake the sensation that hunting Strava segments is the new mall walking?  Then why not embrace your inner Shackleton and undertake an expedition to the Final Fredly Frontier--the South Pole?

Introducing The Last Degree, the first ever group fat bike expedition to the South Pole.

In this incredible 18 day adventure, participants will cycle 111 km from the 89th parallel to the most southerly point on Earth – the Geographic South Pole. The cyclists will have an opportunity to experience firsthand the unforgiving but magical Antarctic landscape. They will be rewarded with the satisfaction of completing what was, until now, simply never done.

Yes, now you can plug the giant hole in your heart with Earth's least civilized continent (Australia excluded), and if you're a middle-aged man who has too much money and nothing to brag about at your children's private school functions then riding across Antarctica will surely freeze your ennui so you can smash it into a million little pieces.

But first, in order to prove you have the mental fortitude for the ultimate in luxury hardship and prepackaged accomplishment, you'll have to endure a soul-crushing trip to Lake Winnipeg:

There is a mandatory training camp being held on Lake Winnipeg in February 2016 to make sure all participants are well prepared for the Antarctic conditions.

If you can handle that level of boredom then Antarctica should be a breeze.

Anyway, here's some propaganda from the organizers:

 

"You might think that you could never do this, that you could never ride your bike from Beijing to Istanbul."

No.  I know I could ride my bike from Beijing to Istanbul, just as long as give you $21,300.

"'Where would I find the strength?'"

Where would I find the strength?  More like where would I find the time and money--though that one's a relative bargain at only $15,200.  (Though this doesn't include an additional $10,000 deposit against any fines for helmetless riding.)

But these are just warm-ups for the main event, and here's the itinerary:

Itinerary

Day 1 to 4: Punta Arenas

Testing equipment, safety briefings, gear inspection, environmental standards assessment.

There's nothing that makes cyclists feel more important than fussing with their equipment before the big ride, so one can only imagine the massive Fred boners everyone will be sporting as they ask each other #whatpressureyourunning before heading to the South Pole.

Day 5 to 7: Union Glacier base camp

4.5hr flight to Union Glacier base camp. Welcome dinner. An overnight ride out of Union Glacier base camp to fine tune our equipment, and gear.

Translation: more #whatpressureyourunning, bigger Fred boners.

Day 8 to 16: Fat Bike to the South Pole

Flight to the 89°S latitude. Expedition to South Pole. Approximately 20 km riding per day on average (adjusting to conditions), with additional days built into the schedule for potential bad weather, riding conditions, injury/ailment or any other unforeseen delays. Arrive at the Geographic South Pole, South Pole camp and research station. Evening celebration.

The evening celebration will involve comparing notes on what pressure you were running, as well as memorializing or possibly even eating any members of the party who did not survive owing to sub-optimal tire pressure curation.

Day 17 to 18: Return to Punta Arenas

Fly back to Union Glacier base camp. Official celebration, awards and certificate of completion. Flight back to Punta Arenas and transfer to the hotel. Reception at the hotel bar to celebrate the successful first group fat bike expedition to the Last Degree.

So how much to you pay for a frigid fat bike wankathon complete with an award presentation at the end?  Well, if you have to ask you probably can't afford it, but if you insist on being vulgar by discussing numbers it's a relative bargain at US$70,000:

Clicking the "more info" unfurls a PDF with the particulars, and while your $70,000 does include a fat bike from you-know-who that you get to keep in your trophy room:

It does not include any of the following:

• Flights to and from Punta Arenas, Chile

• Special Antarctic travel insurance

• Meals in Punta Arenas

• Frame packs and/or sled

• Specialized cold-weather clothing and footwear

• Sleeping bag rated to -40°C

• Mandatory training camp at Lake Winnipeg

• Cost of evacuation in the event of emergency

Wow.  So what happens if you have to be evacuated?  Do they arrange it and simply add that onto the bill like when you order room service, or if you're not a head of state and can't call for a rescue by your nation's military do they just leave you to die?

Either way, you shouldn't feel guilty about rubbing your dick all over one of the few remaining patches of the planet that hasn't been jizzed on by human beings, because spending $70,000 to ride a Specialized in Antarctica promotes "greater awareness" somehow:

We are also very aware that wherever one journeys there will be some footprint. Especially in Antarctica. We believe in minimizing these footprints and that the positives of these trips will outweigh the negatives whether through greater awareness of issues or simply by motivating individuals - after doing the tours - towards positive and sustainable actions.

I look forward to hearing what sort of "positive and sustainable actions" riding a fat bike across Earth's Scranus and drinking wine and beer in an ice cave inspires its participants to perform when they get home:

At Union Glacier meals are prepared by ALE’s experienced international chefs. ALE regularly flies in fresh fruits and vegetables, meats and fish from Chile and maintain an ample stock of pastas, grains and other staples in their ice cave. Dinners are accompanied by wine and beer.

I'm guessing it probably involves buying a Tesla.

Meanwhile, some tennis person failed a doping test for something called meldonium, and everyone's making a big deal about it:

Sharapova, a 28-year-old Russian who is one of the world’s most visible sports figures, is by far the most prominent athlete to be barred for meldonium, a drug originally developed in Latvia for heart patients that aids oxygen flow and is not approved for sale in the United States.

What?  More visible than Eduard Vorganov?!?

(Trapped between two milkmaids, Vorganov looks concerned.)

Meldonium, a drug manufactured in Latvia, is new to the WADA prohibited list this year after studies proved that athletes were using the drug to enhance performance. According to an article in Drug Testing and Analysis, researchers found it "demonstrates an increase in endurance performance of athletes, improved rehabilitation after exercise, protection against stress, and enhanced activations of central nervous system (CNS) functions."

Yes, evidently meldonium only made the banned list this year, which means it's pretty safe to assume the peloton has been on it for ages.  I'm sure the amateurs are using it too, since you can order it online:

(I'm not linking directly to this site since online pharmacies scare me.)

Though when I checked yesterday evening (it's for my cat!) there was already a run on the stuff, presumably due to the Sharapova bust:

Which is too bad, because the stuff gets great reviews:

"Achive" is obviously a typo.  Petar Bruno is probably an archivist, and what he's saying is that after a hit of meldonium he'll archive the shit out of everything.

And if you don't think the Freds and their ilk are all over this stuff, consider this post on an Internet forum from some tridork looking for doping advice:

Some background info: 

I’m an age grouper/amateur triathlete training mostly for Ironman full distance and ½Ironman, 10-20 hours a week. Of various reasons (I do not want to bother you with here), I’m looking for some PEDs to enhance my Performance, both in terms of training to become stronger/better, but also to perform better on “race days”. I’m 34 years old, 179 cm high and weight around 68 kg’s. 

As an amateur, I’m not subject to any unannounced doping controls during the season, but I can potentially be subject to one during my race days. This I need to incorporate into my cycles and timing of the different PEDs. 

Think about that on your next Gran Gondo:

Lastly, if you're vertically advantaged you may be interested in this Kickstarter:

And even if you're not it's totally worth it for the 36er porn:

C'mon, LOOK AT THAT!

The wheels are taller than the guardrail for Lob's sake!

And look how teeny the chainring looks between those two unicycle wheels!

Best of all, it dwarfs every other bike at the bar:

I expect we'll see a 36er fat bike by this time next year.

You can't spell "propaganda" without "pro," "pagan," or "da."

Track racing:

Long forgotten except by the British (and, for a fleeting moment, the "hipsters" of the early aughts), this form of competitive cycling was once hugely popular, to which the video I posted this past Friday attests:



And in addition to containing perhaps one of the first recorded instances of one bike dork asking another #whatpressureyourunning:

A number of astute readers also noticed the Nazi fag flying over this Track Friedrich napping in a box:

(Fascists, Freds, and Fedoras: The Golden Age of Track Racing)

Of course it's a jarring image, but let's not forget that this video is from 1937, when the United States was still basking in the Great Depression and the typical spectator at Madison Square Garden was probably hoping the situation in Europe would just sort itself out so they could get back to lunching on beams or whatever the hell they did back then:

(You may have noticed by now my grasp of history is tenuous at best.)

Similarly, who could have known that a mere quarter-century after this photo was taken Donald Trump would be elected President of the United States and begin the chain of events that would ultimately lead to complete global nuclear annihilation*?

Or that Viatcheslav Ekimov was a post-apocalyptic space warrior sent back in time to stop him?

Sure, it seems obvious now, but hindsight is 20/20 and all the rest of it:

(Humanity is so screwed.  #whatvisionyourunning)

*[SPOILER ALERT: Trump is elected, half the US population attempts to flee to Canada, Justin Trudeau attacks us preemptively with the nukes they've been hiding to prevent this from happening.]

Speaking of track racing, UCI President Brian Cookson assured the sport's dozens of fans that they checked for motors at the Track World Championships:

Though he sort of buried the lede there, since the real news was that there's still such a thing as a Track World Championships.

If a tree falls in a forest and there's nobody to hear it does it still make a noise?  Similarly, if a musclebound freak is warming up on rollers and there's nobody to see the landing strip on his head does it really matter if there's a motor in his bike?


Either way, ever since this whole motor thing has started making headlines people have debated what the proper term for using one to cheat should be, and it seems like we're moving towards "technological fraud."  This is because when you think of a "mechanical doper" you think of two-dimensional automaton Levi Leipheimer:

("Hello.  My name is Levi.  I ride bicycles competitively.")

And yes, I realize that as far as cultural references go Levi Leipheimer is about as fresh as Rachel from "Friends:"

(Hello again.  It's still me, Levi.  I am wearing a wig for humorous purposes.)

In any case, the UCI is so concerned about technological motor fraud that they're conducting "invasive tests:"

“We’ve been taking this very seriously since I’ve been president and there have been invasive tests at events,” Cookson told the media at the Worlds in London.

Holy shit, invasive tests?  Where are they keeping these motors?!?

(Wiggins surreptitiously passing Cavendish a motor for rectal insertion.)

That's what you call a "Femke handshake."

Speaking of motors, here's an entertaining video:



SPOILER ALERT: They conclude that a bike with a hidden motor probably wouldn't be very effective for cheating, which of course means that bikes with hidden motors are totally being used for cheating.

Meanwhile, in other technological news, cyclists really should stop trying to advocate for themselves because it's clear that German luxury car manufacturers are going to solve all our problems:

(Via @Pentti_)

The new Audi A4 is the first car in the world with technology that warns drivers a cyclist is approaching — before getting out of the vehicle.

It is designed to prevent “dooring”, which can have fatal consequences — two reported deaths in the past five years in Victoria alone.

Despite the recent overhauls of bicycle-related fines, only Victoria, NSW and Queensland have a specific offence for “dooring” a cyclist.

Yet it's illegal to ride without a helmet anywhere in Australia, go figure.

A radar hidden behind the rear bumper senses when a cyclist is approaching from 10 to 15 metres away, which triggers a red light to flash near the driver’s door mirror.

A second red light along the top of the door trim also flashes at the same time, as an extra warning for the driver.

The system works up to three minutes after the engine has been switched off, or when the engine is running.

The technology is standard on every version of the new Audi A4 luxury sedan, which went on sale this week priced from $55,500.

Yeah, that ought to work well, because if there's one thing motorists pay attention to it's warning lights.

But don't worry, because it's been tested...by News Corp:

News Corp Australia tested the technology with the help of one of Australia’s top triathletes, Lisa Marangon, from Sydney, who gave it the thumbs up during a training ride this week.

“I wish more cars had this. A lot of drivers don’t look when they get out of their cars,” says Marangon.

Well I'm convinced.

Now that they've tested it on a triathlete, maybe next they'll test it with an actual cyclist.

Lastly, apparently Seattle's bike share program isn't working out very well:

Yet miraculously, Seattle found cash to bail out Pronto, a failed, barely used bike-rental venture that needs $1.4 million in March and a $5 million infusion in 2017. Operating costs will approach $2 million a year — forever — but might be partly covered if ad sales and ridership trends reverse.

Bike-sharing is a neat amenity, but it’s not working in Seattle. It’s too costly for a city that claims it can’t afford the basics. A bailout would undermine the credibility of city leaders, especially since Pronto reeks of insider dealing.

I really should start an urban planning consultancy, because I'd happily charge them over a million bucks to tell them the problem with their bike share program is their stupid helmet law.

Then again, getting rid of the helmet law might actually work, so they'd never go for it.