The Joy of Vehicular Cycling

John Forester is a controversial figure in the world of bicycle advocacy.  Forester said that "cyclists fare best when they act and are treated as drivers of vehicles," and he was against the idea of separate facilities because be believed it was safer to pretend that you're a Lincoln Continental.  While this view has more or less fallen out of favor as the very existence of places like Amsterdam and Copenhagen totally disprove it, certainly some of his wildly anal retentive cycling advice remains useful in the context of streets that are still for the most part dominated by drivers.  In any case, I recently came across this video he made back in the 1970s, and it's certainly a fascinating product of its time:



Of course it's also a long video you probably don't have time to watch, so I've gone ahead and summarized it for you.  Basically, it's all about how to be a good He-Fred:

(I'm 90% certain that's Anthony Weiner)

Or She-Fred:

Spoiler alert: ride on the right side of the road with a salad bowl on your head, unless the lane is narrow, in which case you are supposed to take it:

Granted, taking the lane is almost certain to enrage the driver behind you, but in a vacuum free from human emotion I suppose its sensible advice.

Before riding, always make sure your outfit is amazing:

He looks like he's going to work on a disco oil rig.

Also, the rider who makes the yellow light:

Shall be awarded the maillot jaune:

The salad bowl may be foregone if the rider is wearing jorts:

Jorts should be worn with rugby shirts at all times, and the hem of the jort when measured along the inner thigh must be no more than one inch lower than the lowest point of the scrotum or labia:

(♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ "Yeah I'm free...free-ballin'..."--Tom Petty (RIP)♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ )

When turning, furl and unfurl a yo-yo several times to signal your intention to drivers:

Use red for left, green for right, and purple for stop.  Always keep a full complement of yo-yos in your voluminous handlebar bag:

When riding two abreast, the rider with the taller headtube should always position himself on the right:

Though he should move to the rear when riding single file:

This ensures both riders will be visible to motorists in their rear-view mirrors.

When riding near a Ford Pinto, always maintain a distance of at least 100 feet, or else wear flame-retardant polyester shirt and trousers:

This is because the vehicle is likely to explode:



If the Pinto does burst into flames, make every attempt to smother the blaze with your polyester suit so as to minimize the risk to other motorists.

Take special care when riding behind earthen tone trucks:

As they are often made of the marihuana:

This can result in intoxication and strange fashion choices:

When commuting to work, note that the yellow line always leads right to the porno movie set:

On-the-bike Kegel exercises can increase performance on the set:

As well as stopping power on the bike:

Though sudden release of the pelvic floor muscles can result in a phenomenon known as scranial or vulvanial ejection:

In the event of a crash, always have the foresight to place a tiny cushion on the road surface to break your fall:

When riding in a group, utilize a double paceline, ensure a 50/50 gender balance, and make sure your group contains at least one (1) beard:

It shall be the bearded rider's responsibility to order the slowest member of the group into the hole:

Said rider shall go willingly into the hole, never to be seen or heard from again:

Most importantly, all rides shall be orderly and joyless:

The end.

Moving back to the present, here's a rather dubious Kickstarter:


Yes, given recent events, I can't think of a better design for a bag than one that looks exactly like a gun holster:

What could possibly go wrong?