I'm back! Your life now has meaning again, and mine remains devoid of it.

We're five days into September, the Bike Forecast is operational once again, my Outside column never stopped, and here I am typing hand-curated content into this here online wordhole.

Having said all that, the first person to point out that #crossiscoming gets a shot right to whatever their particular genitalway is:

(Some douchebag taking a shot to whatever particular genitalway he has.)

Speaking of bike racing, it looks like Cannondale-Drapac is folding or may fold or or who cares really, but not if the man who was for a time the World's Most Powerful Fred can help it:

Earlier this week, the Cannondale-Drapac pro cycling team announced that unless it could raise $7 million fast, the team would fold at the end of the season. Riders were pre-emptively released from their 2018 contracts—freeing them up to seek employment elsewhere, which they indicated they would do if two weeks pass without a solution—and the world of men's pro road racing was thrown into a tailspin.

Wait, do you really need to be released from a pro cycling contract to apply for a job at Starbucks?

I can't believe anybody would actually check.

Anyway, Jonathan Vaughters recently called squandering revenue on a cycling team "the best sponsorship deal in sports," but that's like calling an igloo the best long-term investment in Florida real estate, which is why they're seeking the same funding the same way poets and would-be bike component inventors do:

Quickly, the team started an Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign in an attempt to raise some capital. Within hours, thousands of fans had contributed. As of this writing, the effort has raised more than $355,000. The Fairly Group, a financial consulting firm, promised to match all donations up to $2 million.

Enter John Kerry, accomplished cyclist and noted Serotta enthusiast:

32-spoke wheels?  Check.

Steel bike?  Check.
Helmet dangling jauntily from handlebars?  Check.
On the phone because who gives a shit?  Check.

I can get behind all of these things, especially the "I only a helmet because they make me wear it for the charity ride" gesture.

So how did Kerry come to Cannondale-Drapac's rescue?  Well, by "making calls," presumably from the cockpit of his Serotta:

As a fan of the team, Kerry reportedly began “making calls” trying to help bring in new sponsors and donors. According to the political newspaper The Hill, team owner Jonathan Vaughters said in an email that Kerry “is a longtime friend and supporter of cycling. He’s been especially supportive during this trying time. He’s done his best to reach out to various people and corporations that could help us survive this situation.” 

"Making calls" of course the investment equivalent of when the NYPD says "the investigation is ongoing" or the kid in the store says "I'll go check in the back," and you'll Notice Kerry didn't cough up any of his family's sweet ketchup money himself:

See, "Big Condiment" ain't dumb, and squandering a bunch of cash on a bike racing team is the sort of flashy act of desperation you'd expect from hipster condiment like Sriracha:

But certainly not the Big Three of ketchup, mayo, and mustard.

(Via here.)

But what if you're looking to waste a bunch of money and you'd rather spend it on equipment than on a cycling team?  Well, good news!  Meet the Silca TATTICO Bluetooth® mini-pump:

If you're unfamiliar with Silca, they're a hoary old cycling brand that used to be synonymous with quality and craftsmanship but is now by all appearances a company Jason Bateman's character in "Ozark" is using to launder drug money.  Remember their $125 hex key set?

Well, it's positively pragmatic compared to this thing:

As the riding and racing we do becomes ever longer, over ever more extreme surfaces in ever more remote locations, highly accurate and repeatable air pressure measurements have become more critical than ever before. 

No longer does your roadside flat repair need to get you just the 12 miles home, but may have to get you through the next 12 hours or even the next 12 days of your event.

For those who push the ultimate limits of body and machine, we've developed TATTICO Bluetooth® which embeds a highly accurate Bluetooth® pressure transducer inside of our award winning TATTICO mini-pump, allowing you to read highly accurate pressure on your Apple or Android device any time, any place.

Being this fastidious about tire pressure has absolutely nothing to do with pushing the "ultimate limits of body and machine," though it does have everything to do with pushing the limits of anal retention and a stratospherically high sphincter torque.  In fact, I'm fairly sure that's what their next product will be:

The Silca Bluetooth® Sphinctometer is fabricated entirely from aerospace grade titanium, and it works similarly to a spoke tension meter:

Just insert and squeeze.

Lastly, on a far less whimsical note, I mentioned this on the Bike Forecast today but it bears repeating.  A man and two teenagers in Villa Platte, LA were hit by a driver while walking along a street with no sidewalk, and the police charged them for...not wearing reflective clothing:


This is, to put it indelicately, fucking obscene, so please sign the petition:

The Ville Platte, Louisiana, Police Department (VPPD) and the Evangeline Parish Sheriff’s Office (EPSO) was found by the Department of Justice in December of 2016 "to engage in a pattern or practice of conduct that violates the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution" and instead of its politicians condemning the police and sheriff for such behavior they support and encourage it and actively use the police and sheriff for punitively enforcing mobility limiting and Civil Right violating policies, such as the walking curfew and mandating reflective clothing when walking.

Regardless of where you're Black, whether it be in the metropolitan cities of Los Angeles & New York or in rural Ville Platte, Louisiana, you deserve justice. You deserve #TransportationEquity #BicycleEquity.

Thank you.

Feel that?

It's the sensation of your sphincter loosening a few newton-meters.