Monday, May 23, 2016

Things Are Going To Get Worse Before They Get Worse

Well I'm back.



And of course the highlight of my absence was leading the BSNYC Gran Fondon't, which took place this past Saturday.  It is vital to keep the Gran Fondon't shrouded in mystery in order to maintain its considerable mystique.  Therefore I did not take any photos (though feel free to share yours if you took them), but you can safely assume it was nothing like this:



Instead, a goodly-sized group of hale cyclists did gather at the pointy end of Manhattan at about 7:30am, and then we embarked upon a 40-ish mile mixed-terrain jaunt through the quasi-bucolic precincts north of the city.  Finally, we concluded the ride by drinking beer and eating food at a brewery in Yonkers.

And that's how it's done.

I'm also pleased to report there was only one (1) frustrating interaction with motorists (at least as far as I know).  Ironically, this occurred at the point furthest from the city, on quiet, lightly-trafficked country roads.  We were making our way up a hill, and the fact that we were taking up more than six inches of roadway absolutely infuriated the driver of some sort of late-model Porsche, and so he (it had to have been a "he") roared past us while laying on the horn.  Then, moments later, he was followed by the driver of a shitty Toyota Matrix who did exactly the same thing.

It was an amusing display in that it represented the broad spectrum of douche-tastic motorist behavior: on one end the entitled asshole in the $90,000 car who can't wait a few moments to pass courteously, and on the other the pathetic shitbox pilot attempting to emulate him.  However, it was also infuriating, in that it was indicative of the sad fact that the more fortunate people are the more insufferable they become.  Here's someone fortunate enough to have access to a fancy car, and to live in a wealthy area surrounded by rolling green hills, where the biggest transportation-related problem he has to face is occasionally sharing the roads with people on bicycles coming up to enjoy it.  Yet instead of enjoying it all he's got to throw a temper tantrum and wave his impotent dick in the direction of his good fortune.  (As for the Matrix driver, I'm assuming he doesn't have as much money as the asshole in the Porsche, but fuck him too.)

Of course, in dedicating so many words to this incident I've already blown it out of proportion in that it was really only a tiny blemish on what was otherwise a lovely day.  Nevertheless, while Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal may have pledged to love even the automobile drivers, I will continue to pray to God and Jesus that people like the motorists above lose control of their vehicles, have collisions that involve only themselves, and sustain somewhat improbable injuries in which their gear selectors somehow manage to penetrate their rectums.  So please, join hands with me, bow your heads, and implore Lord Jesus to fuck the motorists in the ass with their own cars:


("C'mere you little piece a shit!"--Corinthians 13:3)

I have faith in you, Jesus Christ, and I know that in your infinite mercy you will make it so.

A-meh and Holy Luau.

(As for the Fondon't, if you missed it there's always next year, and there's also the chance I'll organize another ride before that.  At this moment the chances of that happening are exactly 43.2%, and I'll keep you posted.)

Alas, according to the New York Times, God won't hear my prayer because He doesn't cause "accidents," He only lays out strange dietary requirements and plants fake dinosaur fossils to challenge our faith:


Even so, I was quite pleased to see this article:


Roadway fatalities are soaring at a rate not seen in 50 years, resulting from crashes, collisions and other incidents caused by drivers.

Just don’t call them accidents anymore.

That is the position of a growing number of safety advocates, including grass-roots groups, federal officials and state and local leaders across the country. They are campaigning to change a 100-year-old mentality that they say trivializes the single most common cause of traffic incidents: human error.

“When you use the word ‘accident,’ it’s like, ‘God made it happen,’ ” Mark Rosekind, the head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, said at a driver safety conference this month at the Harvard School of Public Health.

“In our society,” he added, “language can be everything.”

Very true.  Unfortunately not everyone's convinced:

But use of “accident” has its defenders, as Mr. Larason discovered in 2014 when he posted his thoughts on the word in a Facebook group popular among traffic reporters.

“Why can’t human error be an accident even if the error is preventable,” one person wrote. “What is being solved by having this debate? What injustice are we correcting?”

What injustices?  Oh, I dunno, how about police believing the lies of killer motorists, or failing to charge drivers who kill children?

The person who wrote that comment was probably the same asshole driving that Matrix.

The article also provides some fascinating insight into how the word "accident" became the default term:

The word was introduced into the lexicon of manufacturing and other industries in the early 1900s, when companies were looking to protect themselves from the costs of caring for workers who were injured on the job, according to Peter Norton, a historian and associate professor at the University of Virginia’s department of engineering.

The business community even developed a cartoon character — the foolish Otto Nobetter, who suffered frequent accidents that left him maimed, immolated, crushed, and even blown up. The character was meant to warn workers about the risks of inattention.

“Relentless safety campaigns started calling these events ‘accidents,’ which excused the employer of responsibility,” Dr. Norton said.

When traffic deaths spiked in the 1920s, a consortium of auto-industry interests, including insurers, borrowed the word to shift the focus away from the cars themselves. “Automakers were very interested in blaming reckless drivers,” Dr. Norton said.

So basically, like "jaywalker," it's an example of business interests using language to fuck us.

In any case, while it's good to see the media waking up to all of this, it's too bad that those same business interests are always at least a few steps ahead of us.  Sure, by the time the self-driving cars take over the media may not call crashes "accidents" anymore, but everyone's still going to assume you're at fault when one hits you and you wind up stuck to its hood:

(There's that "A"-word, by the way!)

“Ideally, the adhesive coating on the front portion of the vehicle may be activated on contact and will be able to adhere to the pedestrian nearly instantaneously,” according to the patent description.

“This instantaneous or nearly-instantaneous action may help to constrain the movement of the pedestrian, who may be carried on the front end of the vehicle until the driver of the vehicle (or the vehicle itself in the case of an autonomous vehicle) reacts to the incident and applies the brakes.”

If you weren't yet paranoid that the machines are taking over then I'm willing to bet you are now, and I look forward to Google's next patent for a device that renders pedestrians and cyclists who fall victim to self-driving cars into Soylent Green.

No way I'm falling victim to any of that, which is why 10 years from now you'll find me riding around town slathered in marine grease.

Speaking of dystopias, those stratospherically high bicycle fines in New South Wales, Australia have been in effect for a few months now, and apparently they're really raking it in:



Cyclists fined for not wearing helmets rose to 1098 in March and April – up from 710 previously. They make up more than two-thirds of the total number of infringement notices.
Advertisement

The fine for riding without a helmet more than quadrupled on March 1 to $319.

It means the amount of fines collected from people riding without helmets totalled $350,262 in March and April, compared with just over $50,000 in the same period in 2015.

In contrast to the number of cyclists penalised, four motorists were fined for not passing cyclists at a safe distance during the period.

Nice.

I look forward to the end of the year, when statistics show that cyclists have not been made even remotely safer by any of this, and/or that large numbers of people have simply abandoned riding bikes altogether.

Lastly, for those of you brave enough to continue riding in this nightmarish future, here's the e-bike of your nightmares:



A "Sport Utility Vehicle / SUV" is defined as "a large vehicle that is designed to be used on rough surfaces but that is often used on city roads or highways”. The Carbon ebike is perhaps the most advanced concept of e-bike available today. It could be interpreted as a hybrid bicycle/motorcycle: a lightweight device which releases large amounts of power. Still a true bicycle that you can enjoy in every sense of the word, it offers you much more in terms of usability, performance and freedom: the SUV ebike®.

The Carbon SUV ebike is a superior e-bike in terms of performance, comfort, technology, and brand image.

Should look great stuck to the hood of a Google car.

79 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

big bang

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Missed the fondont... but #1 here today!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

and... filling up the podium

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Fifth, Scranus!

Spokey said...

damn only top tinnitus

no name said...

made the top ten

N/A said...

How was Janinedm's Marin? Filthy?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...In other news, Goo Gone Bought By Google.

...Google will un-stick accident victims with Goo(gle)Gone.

Anonymous said...

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The porcupines pricks are on the outside.

Oldie but a goodie.

Anonymous said...

"Releases large amounts of power" are you sure we're talking about an e-bike and not Cipo?

N/A said...

Perhaps the dick in the Porsche was a wanker Fred who wasn't allowed to go for a ride that day, because his wife needed him to go to the farmer's market to buy artisanal potatoes for the making of their traditional Saturday morning hashbrowns. Seeing what was surely a spectacle of the grandest biek-riding sort, he was honking in solidarity. As if to say, "hold your line, assholes!" as your good-natured roadies are wont to do.


The dick in the Matrix was just being a dick, though. No damn excuse for that bullshit behavior!

janinedm said...

Not only filthy, but a little bit sketchy! Every time I shifted gears (or more accurately tried to), even in the flats it sounded like a Front 242 song. But that's on me. After I decided that it was the best choice of bike from my stable (and I still think it was), I kept procrastinating giving her any TLC beyond air. It's a testament to the goodness of that bike that she did not have some sort of mechanical freakout.

Every time I think that car culture can't possibly rob us of more dignity, things sink lower. People won't stick to these (burning hot) hoods. They'll just get tarred & feathered with hood goo and candy wrappers.

janinedm said...

Someone had a theory about the Matrix (car). That they were actually honking at the Porche, which in hindsight it may be the case. The Matrix honked more after it passed us and was out of sight.

McFly said...

I already have a patent on Sticky Layer Technology.

grog said...

You won't stick to a car hood when there are already several people stuck there.

dop said...

If I can believe strava, that was my PR up that hill.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

Can you settle a bet? My dog claims your Corinthians 13:3 illustration & caption depicts an early municipal pet scooper law.

I said it didn't look like a municipality.

(And thanks for the Fondon't!)

BamaPhred said...

No problem. Just substitute Polywater or Astraglide in place of sunscreen to unstick yourself from the hoods, grills, fenders of the self driving vehicles. Seriously, aren't they all self driving now, what with all the texting and other "sail fawn" distraction going on?

janinedm said...

I just put up a couple of photos and more will likely end up here: http://fietsdontailmenow.tumblr.com. (sic) It's my easiest option. I have my Narrative Clip and tumblr linked by IFTTT, so the pictures will automatically go there when I favorite them. Like I said, easy. I think I must have favorited these few after bar #2 on Saturday but there were a lot more that weren't trees or road. Anyway, I'll repost the link when I get all of the pics up.

crosspalms said...

I thought at first that the SUX Carbon e-bike was being marketed to women in tight clothes, but then I saw the two guys lifting it out of the van so they could stand around not riding it. Their knees probably took one look and said "don't you ever put me on that thing."

bad boy of the north said...

I thought my post went through....alas,it did not.anyways,I'll attempt again....reading todays post is no accident.

P. Bateman said...

sounds like Otto Nobetter should have watched more safety training videos...he could have avoided some of those accidents.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqd4aPs5WTA

the 2:50 and 3:50 marks are lovely.

Snob, don't use marine grease, use CIPPO brand body grease instead.

P. Bateman said...

correction. the 5:00 min mark is the most education part of that safety video.

Roille Figners said...

Never fear everybody - Google is here to fix things!

Sticky hood is great for kidnapping.

dop said...

My wife took this shot of the peloton passing through our neighborhood.

leroy said...

My dog informs me that Wile E. Coyote is Otto Nobetter for canines.

Now that I think about it, we have been getting a lot of packages from Acme.

rudimentary peni said...

Google patents "sticky layer" for attempting artificial insemination during immaculate collisions.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I foresee a problem for recumbent riders coming in contact with the google brand fly-paper. They are much lower to the ground, not enough of their mass will be pushed up and back to the hood of the self-driving car, they will be partially stuck to the front of the car and partially drawn under the self-driving car, being recumbently drawn and quartered so to speak.

Astro-Glide as an embrocation? Sales will be up 0.00000001% for sure!

And since the lexicon of my childhood included healthy doses of "If you don't know the meaning, look it up in the dictionary," I googled "immolated." Turns out there is a death metal band named "Immolation" from Yonkers, NY. Coincidence? I think not.

Regular guy said...

Long takes of models stroking top tube, some metal machinery in action, old dude at computer ogling 3D CAD, sun dappled through budding tree branches, suspicious guys in track suits struggle to unload bike from a van, "bike rider" guy in lycra and bike helmet waits around impatiently while the track suit guys have some sort of argument, one guy in track suit bludgeons the other, leaving him a bloody crumpled mess, after which the "bike rider" is told to get lost and forget about the whole thing or else.

Yep, the SUV bike doesn't work.

Anonymous said...

What, exactly, was the point of that SUV Carbon bike video? Nobody looked particularly excited about anything in it. As for the bike, it looks like looks uber function, yet they put a big "CARBON" decal on the main non-carbon component? Worst of all, they'll soon be under Freds with no bike handling skills (sorry, that was redundant), getting trails closed down near you.

crosspalms said...

Mmm, pizza...

Vernal Magina said...

CORRECTION, Mr. Leroy: It's called Corinthians 2: Return of the Sith

South_Bay_Bieks! said...

In Los Angeles's South Bay, you need to show up with a lawyer to report a bicycle-relate crime. We aren't even talking about charges, just reporting the crime.

https://pvcycling.wordpress.com/2016/05/22/dont-take-it-lying-down/

WTO said...

Our records clearly show that Cipo invented the Sticky Layer. It's within his rights to sue for sticky infringement.

Freddy Murcks said...

I hate KickStarter. The name should be changed to ShitStarter.

Spokey said...

However, it was also infuriating, in that it was indicative of the sad fact that the more fortunate people are the more insufferable they become.

seems to me the opposite is shown. that no matter how poor or wealthy, people are insufferable assholes.

i read that 'accident' article and was waiting until today's post to link to it. my biggest disagreement is with

They are campaigning to change a 100-year-old mentality that they say trivializes the single most common cause of traffic incidents: human error.

i would change human error to human negligence

i mean really. the article states "Almost all crashes stem from driver behavior like drinking, distracted driving and other risky activity"

how is that not negligence? human error sounds like accident to me. it's "oh well, it wasn't anyone's fault. just human error".

Matt said...

If you liberally slather DZNuts all over your entire body before a ride, it solves 2 problems at once...you won't get saddle sores on any part of your body, AND you won't stick to the flypaper-coated cars.

I'm just afraid the sticky layer cars will create an entirely new 'game' for the Motor-Freds (abbreviated as "MF's" which is quite apt)...how fast and long can you drive with an unsuspecting cyclist stuck to your car. It would be open season on cyclists (kind of like it is now, but with more sport). Before long there would be actual competition with awards. It would certainly provide a new level of entertainment for NASCAR.

Brian Lipschitz said...

There was always some joker who would ask me, IF YOUR LIP SHITS CAN YOUR ASS TALK?

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

Accidents don't happen,
they're caused.

Glad the Fondon't DID !!

On the other hand I was at a wedding with more pelotonious provenance than any witty comparison I can't come up with rt now.
So basically I would have been Lanterne Rouge no matter what I did.

Glad you went JanineDM !

vsk

Knüt Fredriksson said...

Here's a not-fondo-not-fondont report from my weekend: Schlepped my youngest all the way across town to one soccer gaMe on Saturday, and back and forth twice for two games on Sunday. During the trip to the 8:30am game on Sunday we unwittingly joined the bike leg if a triathlon for about 4 blocks (I'm pretty sure I was winning), then rode alongside the runners for about a mile. Surprisingly, I did not witness any crashing...

Grump said...

People who drive an old rusted out Toyota Matrix often dream of owning a new top of the line Porsche. It's same reason lower middle class people will vote for baseball hat wearing Billionaires.......It's all Hat.





1904 Cadardi said...

janinidm,

"even in the flats it sounded like a Front 242 song". Nice! I have a bike that plays that tune.

DB said...

janinedm: thanks for the photos.
Good to see Leroy up front taking a long pull. Hope you were passing that roller blader and not the other way round.

janinedm said...

What I really grew to appreciate going through the film is that this is a group that really knows how to keep their cracks covered. As we all know, that's not a given in #bikelyfe.

dancesonpedals said...

Once I discovered bib shorts, any hopes of a career in plumbing were dashed.

bad boy of the north said...

janinedm,nice pics.thanks for sharing.

janinedm said...

There's more to come. The camera takes a shot every 15 seconds. I'm just going to put up more whenever I grab some time and will let everybody know when I've gone through all of the photo groups. The ones that are up are from one of 6 or 7 bunches.

trama said...

google, more specifically the people, can go fuck themselves.

janinedm said...

Okay. "Curating" was easier than I thought, because whatever adjustment I made to my clip post coffee stop most of the pics were just wheels afterward. And several of the other groups must have been when it got really overcast because they're pretty dark. All done!

Unknown said...

Q: Know the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: A porcupine has a prick on the outside.

Unknown said...

For a rugged SUV bike the guys unloading it out of the van are handling it like it's made of crystal. All that video and no one rides the damn thing?

Roille Figners said...

Thanks JDM, it's like I was there! Only without the TSA anal probe and multi-hundred-dollar flight.

Knüt Fredriksson said...

I have a question for the commetariat.

On my ride home from work today I was riding on a mixed use path and I overtook a pedestrian. I had plenty of room to pass and no on-coming traffic so I just breezed past. As I was passing he yelled: "Passing, thanks!" in an obvious effort to startle me and criticize my lack of courtesy.

I know that I should ring my bell or say "on your left" before passing. But the reality is that half of the people I pass are wearing headphones and can't hear my warning, and another quarter of the people would be startled more by a bell or an "on your left" than they are by a quiet pass. I've even had runners yell at me for ringing my bell at them...

So here's the question: Am I the bike equivalent of the Porsche driver honking at you as he passes if I ring my bell every time I pass someone on the path?

Anonymous said...

If I have plenty of room, I don't bother to say "passing" or ring my bell. I mean, when I used to run, I'd bear to the right because I knew I'd be overtaken by faster runners or bicyclists. If it's a busy mixed-use path, I don't expect every single bicyclist to be alerting me to their presence. But that's my take. Maybe there's different etiquette for quiet paths.

Spokey said...


i don't ride a lot of paths but there are two park areas I do (both named duke as it happens). i generally ring my bell. i am coming up behind people and they are usually not over to the right enough for me to feel comfortable to go around them unannounced. in the driveway / parking areas where i feel i can give wide berth, i do not ring my bell. i also usually have a whistle but almost always just ring my bell.

on the streets (sidewalks are rare around here), people generally are walking opposite to the flow of traffic. as they can see me coming, i do not ring my bell.

Spokey said...


oh, and the other reason to get their attention is that around here a substantial number have their freaking dogs with them. the bell gives them time to reel in the beasts.

of course if they were all like leroy's mutt, none of this would be needed.

I have a stash of vodka and scotch packs. These are 1 oz in sealed plastic packs about the size of a teabag envelope. i'd just toss a scotch pack off to the side and shoot by when leroy's dog dragged him off to fetch it.

dancesonpedals said...

When passing on a path I slow down, say hello before I reach them, then coast by. The bell just makes people jump. I avoid it, unless I think they're going to turn in to me.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

That girl at the edge of the platform has a cute ass.

dancesonpedals said...

FR-

That guy left his Porsche home.

It has a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is also a Porsche".

bad boy of the north said...

I do ring 99.9% of the time.i call"on your left" about the same amount.sometimes I get a reaction.sometimes not.a lot of the times I get the startled reaction,and people move left.lately,earphones are placed firmly in ears.obviously,no reaction when passing,so I pass as far over as I can.so,frick,nope,you're not a fuck-o.maybe we need a horn like jim carrey as "Cuban pete" in the "the mask"

bad boy of the north said...

if someone can post that clip....that would be great.

Roille Figners said...

You already know my take: People who mouth off to total strangers and try to teach etiquette deserve a lesson themselves. STRANGER DANGER!

BamaPhred said...

Corinthians, weren't they a bunch of sheepshaggers? Trying to reconcile white jesus, the lost sheep, giving away all your stuff, and pricks in cars. Probably overthinking this whole thang. I think I'll go ride in traffic a while to gain some perspective.

the commentariat said...

So how is it that nobody has fried up the guy in the Primal shark jersey?

ken e. said...

why humanity reaches for the fail button so often disappoints me. always try to let other trail users know, even if it descends into "you have got to be fucking kidding".

Steve Barner said...

The only time they showed "the SUV bike" in motion was when they were carrying it out of the van. What an incredibly stupid video.

Mr. Otto Nobetter said...

Ah! That's the berries!

Anonymous said...

loss, suffering, pain, despair, detachment, denial, depression, death

Fergie said...

I was toward the back of the ride, at least until I missed the turn after we left 448. I think everyone went onto the OCA or something, and Baltimore Rich and I ended up on RT 9. Despite being crestfallen over missing-out on the ride, we toured nearby historic Philipse Manor, enjoyed coffee and muffins, and then rode up to Croton for Penny Farthing rides. Baltimore Rich was undertaking an epic quest to pick up a fancy camera 15 miles west of Newberg, so we got all intermodel, and I drove him up to Beacon for more coffee and luncheon. We parted ways in Newberg, but Rich confirmed he arrived back in NYC a mere 17 hours after embarking on the perilous Fondount!

Anyway, being spat off the back of yet another casual roady ride afforded me the opportunity to witness the drama of the Porsche, the Matrix, and the Riders of Snob. As we trundled slowly up the long hill from the reservoir, the Matrix waited patiently for line of sight, and was driving quite slowly behind us - for a fair amount of time. The Porsche came up behind him, and probably felt put-upon to have spent all this money, but still be forced to wait behind all these dirty bike types (a Matrix is almost as bad as a biker in the mind of the average Porsche driver). The Matrix needed a long landing strip to accelerate up to passing speed, and an amount of revving that probably would have embarrassed the driver. The Porsche driver had more car and less shame. So, when the road finally opens up enough for the Matrix to start passing safely, Porsche guy decides he has waited long enough and decides to show us all by passing the bikes AND the Matrix passing the bikes at the same time! Obviously, we were all very impressed that he was willing to put a wheel in the dirt and risk a collision rather then submit to our mediocrity.

Well, it was great to meet everyone, if for a very short time.

Also, in real life, Bike Snob looks EXACTLY like Bibshorts Guy, especially before 9am.

Fergie

legal service provider said...

The Matrix honked more after it passed us and was out of sight

Borut said...

Several years ago, when I was around 16, a crazy driver hit me and my friends (we were on a training) on a wide road, then stepped out of his car and physically attacked us. That day I lost some faith in humanity...

janinedm said...

Fergie, it was nice meeting you. Figured you guys were going to have a good time together.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Fergie we waited for you and Baltimore Rich at thisspot , of which it location is on a map I have no idea. Although the entrance to this street said "No Outlet," we proceeded ahead and got to this trail entrance, and again I have no idea what trail it is.

We stopped there to regroup and a misbehaving rear derailleur was examined, only to be found behaving once put to scrutiny. We thought the two of you had decided on other recreational pursuits, sorry about that!

bad boy of the north said...

janinedm,thanks for the rest of the photos.

Anonymous said...

Frikus: I think it's fair to compare bike bells and car horns, though you'd need to be oozing hubris and venom and wielding a weapon to compare yourself to the Porsche driver.

Bad Boy: when you say "get a reaction," do you mean from somebody like me who glares, "shove it up your ass."

On a bike or in a car, warning noise is no substitute for brakes and/or wide clearance. That's what I do as a passer (except in range land where I call "hi-yip" at upwind cattle). When being passed, which is a lot since I ride daily with a 3 yo who averages little better than 4mph, we don't need to be chirped at every goddamn 15 seconds.

dancesonpedals said...

LO-

That be here , where the OCA crosses Country Club Lane.

Fergie said...

Lieutenant Oblivious said: "We thought the two of you had decided on other recreational pursuits, sorry about that! "
janinedm said: "Fergie, it was nice meeting you. Figured you guys were going to have a good time together."

Thanks janinedm! The conversation about protecting your Brooks saddle was the highlight of the ride!

I think we missed the right turn from 448/Bedford Ave onto the OCA (or Webber ave). We never put tire to the OCA. When we hit Rt 9, and realized we had been separated from the group, we headed for coffee labs, but I guess you hit that place on the return trip.

For whatever reason, people always assume I split from a rode ride by choice, not accident. I guess it is why I stopped doing group road rides.

But thanks for the kind words, and it was great to meet everyone.

Anonymous said...

Not the first use of a pedestrian entrapping safety measure. We had a mousetrap sort of apparatus on the front of the old streetcars out here in LA, before we became an auto slum.