Thursday, February 12, 2015

Blasts From The Past: The Flatulence of Time

So there I was feeling sorry for myself because of all this snow:

(The bike stays up as if by magic!)

And then someone Tweeted this in my direction:
Now that's a lotta snow.

Makes me nostalgic for the days of the "hipster high lock:"

(Thinking back on it, maybe he locked the bike up during a snowstorm and then it all melted.)

Which, in turn, makes me recall the heyday of cringe-inducing fixie/singlespeed conversions--like this one, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Evidently, he's attempting to liquidate his investment so that he can jump onto the watch trend:

Looking to trade this fine bike for a vintage Rolex Air King, or Precision, 
vintage Omega Constellation pan pie, 
or buy it cash equivalent.
Frame size is 55cm, or 21.5 inches.
Standover is 31 inches.
Tires are 26".
18T rear cog, 42T chainring.
Very fun to ride! 
New bar wrap.
Single speed conversion, with quality Compagnolo Track drop outs.
Rear bottom, painted, near drop outs, oh well.
See pics, fork tube displays Bridgestone stamp, 
New Animal red pedals.
These were very limiited production, this one is ready to ride!
Super Rare collectors item as is, still a major head turner, be the coolest kid on the block, the envy of your group of riders! 
Come check it out!

Sadly, the days when a bike commanded a hefty premium for having horizontal dropouts (or "fork ends" if you're a pedant) are long gone, and having ruined the bike he'll be lucky if he can use the proceeds from this sale to fund the purchase of a second-hand Swatch:

(Your humble blogger, in the 1980s, wearing a Swatch.)

It's ironic that someone so interested in watches has such poor timing.

Maybe he'd have better luck in Portland, where time stands still and it's perpetually 2007:

1982 Bianchi EcoPista 53cm Fixed Gear Track Bike *Columbus* - $750 (Downtown)

I'm the third owner of this fresh little track bike; rare throwback with a complete Gipiemme track gruppo.

Piaggio-owned Bianchi 53cm frame made of Columbus Tretubi with Gipiemme dropouts front and rear; matching fork 

Gipiemme seatpost
Rolls copper-riveted buffalo leather saddle
Gipiemme Pista crank 165mm
Gipiemme 49t chainring
3T quill stem 
3T track handlebar, 40cm
EAI 17t track cog
Ofmega threaded headset
Gipiemme bottom bracket 
MKS GP-9 platforms with Christophe cages and Toshi single straps
Gipiemme high-flange track hubs laced to box-section tubular rims with tires recently glued on by Dean Reed of Bike Central.
Campagnolo high-flange track hubs laced to Velocity Aero clincher rims, also built by Dean with Schwalbe Lugano tires
Super Toughness 1/8" track chain 

No dents, paint nicks and scrapes from daily riding the last couple of years. No rust.

Third owner?  Must be a "Flying Dutchman" scenario.  Whoever owns this bike is cursed to ride around Portland in tight jorts and doing elephant trunk skids until he can dupe someone else into purchasing it, at which point he can finally buy a real bike and move to a real city

Then again, plenty of people in New York City are also frozen in time.  Consider Slipper Guy and his crew:

fixed gear, no brakes , in slippers , always strapped in , two straps , crossing the 59 st bridge on the high way with cheatdeath

Wow.  I'm guessing the slippers enhance his Zen-like connection with the bike.

As for the riding depicted in this video, I'm way too old to get worked up over it at this point, but it's worth noting he hits pretty much every cliché on the fixie checklist, right down to the gratuitous salmoning:

I blame Lucas Brunelle.

And the slippers, obviously.

Speaking of inappropriate riding attire, Cannondale-Garmin had a training camp in Mallorca, and this happened:

Really?  How the fuck cold does it even get in Mallorca?!?  I did see some snow in some of the photos, but that in no way excuses dressing up like a sperm who's leading the sprint classification in the Tour d'Ovary.

Even these guys don't dress like that, and they live in Alaska:

My favorite is the part when he kicks the shit out of the box to show you how strong it is:

(Nice Cambium!)

You need that in Alaska so the bears can't get to your Clif Bars.  (Though I imagine anyone who attempted to eat a Clif Bar in Alaska would wind up with some broken teeth.)

Lastly, Mike Sinyard's bike got stolen, but it was recovered in short order:

Someone shattered the glass front door of Specialized Bicycle Components on Concord Circle early Feb. 2 and stole two one-of-a-kind bicycles—including one owned by the company’s founder Mike Sinyard, according to Specialized.

In addition to Sinyard's bike, they also took the World Champion's Tarmac:

The two bikes stolen were Michal Kwiatkowski’s 2014 World Championship winning S-Works Tarmac and the 001 of 250 S-Works McLaren Tarmac belonging to Sinyard, according to the press release.

Police said the bicycles are worth about $44,000.

At which point they cunningly attempted to sell them to a nearby Specialized dealer:

The suspects tried to sell the bikes to a local Specialized retailer, Cupertino Bike Shop, the release states.

When the store owner received the call about the bikes he knew something was off and immediately called Specialized. According to police, a detective enacted a plan to meet with one of the suspects who was trying to sell the bikes. At about 10:44 p.m. Feb. 3, detectives met with the suspect, who identified herself as Kannadi Ridenour, 26 of Morgan Hill.

Great plan.  Yeah, like a Specialized dealer is going to buy Mike Sinyard's stolen bike.  Sinyard's been known to kneecap shop owners who sell rival companies' shoes.  So you'd have to be on meth to think one would buy Sinyard's actual bike--which of course they were:

Ridenour was arrested on suspicion of felony possession of stolen property and possession of methamphetamine, according to police. Balestrini was arrested on suspicion of felony possession of stolen property, possession of methamphetamine, possession of narcotic paraphernalia, warrants and a violation of probation.

Sounds about right.


Anonymous said...

I could be first but I don't do that anymore

grog said...

Happy Darwin Day!

GreySpoke said...


BamaPhred said...

Sprinting for mid pack finish

Anonymous said...

I could put on a tight white shirt, but I don't bother.


Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

Anonymous said...

Hey Ladies!!!!!!!!!
Top ten!

Anonymous said...

Top ten!

Richard Breaks said...

It's a pity that the Specialized thieves were special ed flunk outs. If they'd a been thinking, they would have done us all a favor and stripped the bikes of their components and then thrown the POS plastic frames out onto the fuckin' freeway.

Anonymous said...

Toppus X?

janinedm said...

I know this doesn't involve bikes, but Bob Simon of 60 Minutes was killed in a car crash last night. The guy covered every war zone since Vietnam. He gets captured by Iraqi forces and imprisoned for 40 days covering the first Gulf War. But what kills him? New York City traffic. The livery cab he was in rear ended a car at a red light. No criminality uspected.

mikeweb said...

First full day of my company's involuntary permanent sabbatical for me.

dop said...


streepo said...


RaphaSucks said...


Anonymous said...

Good one Snob!

(I still do that some more.)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about the involuntary permanent sabbatical.
Take some time off for yourself, help your lady out with her business, drink heavily for a week or two.
I have a business idea, Babble-Wrap. Babs, and others with her bad luck with cycling accidents wrap it around themselves before a ride. That, and selling Leroy's Dog's greeting cards at a pop-up in Chelsea Market.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"The Original - Built with aircraft grade aluminum, using proven aircraft fabrication techniques. The Original CODEPAK looks like it can fly. Light and strong, using the best aerospace latch systems."

That's great.

One of those leather helments and a pair of aviator goggles from the 1930's would look dope with that thing.

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty; leisurely read.

Coulda been top ten but . . .

J. W. Gacy said...


In answer to your question. No I did not see nor do I know the whereabouts of the three young boys who turned up missing after the children's birthday party that you hosted. Yes the three of them did assist me in my magic 'disappear the child illusion' but this, at its broadest interpretation is but a mere coincidence.

Hey! I've got a couple of unique Specialized bikes for sale. Full crabon. $44,000 Ca$h.

POGO the Clown

Anonymous said...

You can hang out with Brian Williams. His calendar has opened up.

Anonymous said...

Compagnolo? Those dropouts are obviously Chinese knock-offs...

TBONE said...

'or "fork ends" if you're a pedant'

Track fork ends, if I'm being a pedant.

Bryan said...

Watched all videos, read all links, cruising in somewhere between 22 and 30. I enjoyed the ride.

I wonder how much they were trying to unload those Tarmacs for.

I notice they didn't try to kick the shit out of the crabon frame box thing. Just the "aircraft grade" aluminum one.

Speaking of aluminum, I have been recording reruns of the Crocodile Hunter on my DVR...they say "aluminum" funny.


Bryan said...

Oh, I forgot about that poor Bridgestone by the time I was done watching pointless hipsters get to their friends who looked like they had been smoking crack.

That poor, poor Bridgestone didn't deserve its current fate. Judging by the headtube, it looks to be about my size, too.

Anonymous said...

The bike shop employee who helped does not work for a Specialized dealer. He works for Bicycle Outfitter they sell Trek, Cannondale and a number of other brands but not Specialized.

Joe K. said...

Meanwhile LBSes can't figure out why business is down... Narcs.

They should have gone the craigslist route selling a "Specailezed Termac." Would have worked much better.

That or stash it for three years and wait for the statue of limitations to be up. But meth is a helluva drug.

Olle Nilsson said...

Thursday trip through time to twothousandseven. Good times.

One of a kind Specialized? {Yawn}

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...



JLRB said...

Sueyounerd should feel luck y the thieves didn't disembowel him ....

P. Bateman said...

Snob, is your hair dyed blonde in the front in that photo? also, is that a mullet?

re: the slippers video - no fucking wonder people hate cyclist.

love the obligatory devil horns at the end. those dudes are raw, uncut, too live for your crew, hell raising bunch of bad mo-fo's.

Unknown said...

Always lay your bike on the rear derailleur before kicking the shit out of your luggage. They teach that at aircraft mechanic school.

3G said...

Whatever package that fixie rider was supposed to be delivering in his over sized douche-sack has obviously never made it to its destination in a timely fashion

mikeweb said...


Thanks for the suggestions. I don't know about the Leroy's Dog greeting cards though. I hear around the dog run that he's more litigious than Mike Sinyard, and I could do without any legal problems at this point.

Anonymous said...

If your weekend has freed up, the Mrs and I are headed for Madison.
Supper Club, prime rib, baked potato wrapped in foil, pickle and celery tray and a Manhattan.
Think I'll splash on a little Jade East. Hoping she'll spray on a little Jean Nate.

P. Bateman said...


you happen to do SEO work?

Ican'tGetMeNoScrausAction! said...

80s Snob sported a DEVO Do? Really?

Pedantic Tats said...


Freddy Murcks said...

Most men are ass men, I am a fork ends man.

The hungry pedant said...

Fork ends?

You mean TINES.

crosspalms said...

Sorry about your sabbatical. I got the "jump or be pushed" version a few years ago. Jumpers got a bit more notice and a bit more money. So I jumped. New job pays way less, but not "want fries with that?" less...

Snob, Since Mallorca's an island, I think that Garmin getup is for underwater escape.

Pussy Galore said...

Hey Snob. How aboot a lycra/spandex camel toe competition just to spice up the winter?

samh said...

With no more Vito and that damned intern having run off to who knows where, maybe there's work available at BSNYC/RTMS corporate headquarters, @Mikeweb.

Ask and Yee Shall said...

Pussy Galore -

There is plenty of camel toe already on the interwebbedcomputers - is it necessary to add it here?


bad boy of the north said...

Sorry to hear about your ips,mikeweb.I'm sure you'll find something soon

bad boy of the north said...

Oh yeah......first fifty.

babble on said...

Mikeweb- nooooo! That sucks. So sorry to hear it. DB - heh heh. Good thinking. :)
Snob- you can feel sorry for yourself if even one of your 18 chillen is like me: that horrific combination of fearless and clumsy.

babble on said...

Doctor cleared me to ride Ti Baby again. Mum is already sweating bullets.

McFly said...

Insert camel toe joke here.

Anonymous said...

Get yourself a pickup truck and a plow and head north. That should keep you busy and well paid for a month until something else come around.

Anonymous said...

“When starting AK CODEPAK, we set out to build the premier bike cargo solution.”(kinda small)
“The Original CODEPAK looks like it can fly” (nope)
“All bikers have a carbon addiction”(1% of bikers maybe))
“Nothing cooler than tagging your box with all your favorite brands and places.” (nothing lamer)
“Once you try our Hard CODEPAK you will never go soft again” (????)
“Now if our KICKSTARTER goal is hugely surpassed,” (unlikely)

Anonymous said...

Turtles. Do you like them?

Alexander Imich said...

”As for the riding depicted in this video, I'm way too old to get worked up over it at this point…”
If I get worked up over it does in mean I’m NOT too old?
”… crossing the 59 st bridge…”
And there is a perfectly good protected bike path on that bridge.

Connoisseur of Camel Toe said...

@ask and ye shall

Thanks for that.

CommieCanuck said...

Aircraft grade aluminum with aircraft fabrication can stuff with rivets.

Why do they all feel the need to outline some qualifications? "my years as a jizz-mopper at a Times Square peep show led me to think of ..."

JLRB said...

That box looks to be almost as wide as the fat tires on that fat bike - just what I want - something to bang my knee/shin while bieking

Anonymous said...

Try out for the Knicks.
Odds are in your favor.

bad boy of the north said...

rip bob simon.thanks for all the tough journalism.

bad boy of the north said...


Blasts from the past - flatulence... said...

L.A.: “Everybody wants to know what I’m on. What am I ON? I’m on my bike, busting’ my ass, six hours a day. What are YOU on?”

Tom Reingold said...

How can there be two one-of-a-kind bikes or anything? At least, they were two-of-a-kind bikes, no?

babble on said...

Bad Boy- thank you. Wasn't such a bad one after all. :)
Poor little ol' mum. She used to worry that people would think she beat me, I always had so many bruises.

Huh! said...

"What are YOU on?”

HGH, Orca Adrenaline, The Clear, Hemo Pure, Crank, Pseudo Yeti Epinephrine, Tyler Hamilton's Chimera plasma and Life. I'm high on life.

Does weed count?

BamaPhred said...

Fork me.
All that camel toe and all I could think about was "MikeMikeMikeMikeMikeMike!"
Sorry for your loss, MikeWeb
Maybe the Mets if the Knicks thing doesn't work out, or the Jets.
Tryna keep the rubber side down, Babs.

dop said...

those meth heads are like hunter Thompson's junkies, "trying to build a rocket to the moon cause they hear there's smack in the craters"

leroy said...

Mikeweb -- My dog says he would never sue you. And he feels your pain, Kickstarter didn't fund his trip to Paris to show his Valentine's Day cards.

He wants you to help yourself to all the free cards you want. He would be honored if they appeared at the Brooklyn Flea. (Obviously, he's no stranger to Brooklyn fleas.)

He also says he hopes this means he gets to drop leroy with you on a ride this Spring.

Anonymous said...

Hey cuspids - don't forget VD

Anonymous said...

HOLY SHIT!!! BSNYC you gotta check this out!

Anonymous said...

LOL, Fuck Specialized, and fixie riders too!

Anonymous said...

Fried scranus

Anonymous said...

Pickled Scranus

Anonymous said...

So where is fixiedom on the "Dachshound of Time"

JLRB said...

If a Fed has flatulence while on his trainer and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

JLRB said...

Fred not Fed - friday fingers ...

dop said...

It seems unfailr that up in Canada Babs can ride around in 50 degree weather (yes, I'm weather channel stalking you), while here along the Hudson we're flipping single digits.

It's raining up there. Be careful on Ti Baby.

dop said...

oh, to be a flatulent fred in February...

fleeing the flotsam and flamingos in florida..

flying to france to feast on fricasean rabbit

Unknown said...

Those cases inside the frame are cool.

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