Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I think it's Wednesday. Is it Wednesday? It's Wednesday, right?

Well, obviously the big news is that some dirtbag in Portland (redundant, I know) tried to strangle his girlfriend with his dreadlocks:

If you don't know what dreadlocks are, the local ABC affiliate was thoughtful enough to provide a definition:

The victim, who was not identified, told police her boyfriend, Caleb Grotberg, choked her with his dreadlocks, which are matted ropes of hair.

Clearly someone's been reading Wikipedia:

And here's another fascinating factoid from the same entry:

A common misconception is that those who have dreadlocks do not wash their hair, but this is usually not the case. Many dreadlock care regimens require the wearer to wash their hair up to twice a week.

Twice a week?!?  No wonder so many people in Portland are unemployed.  With a demanding haircare schedule like that, who has time to work?

Anyway, you'll be glad to know his victim was not seriously hurt:

The woman was taken to a Portland hospital where she was treated for “numerous, non-life-threatening injuries,” said Sgt. Pete Simpson of the Portland Police Bureau.

Fortunately, objectionable odors are rarely life-threatening.  Nevertheless, this is undoubtedly the worst alternative lifestyle fashion accessory-related assault in Portland since police ended the Prince Albert Assassin's genital piercing pulling spree in 1998:

(In the public restrooms of Portland in the 1990s, no urethra was safe.)

Ironically, the Prince Albert Assassin now has a prison job installing rivets into Brooks knockoff saddles.

The other big news of course is the Lance Armstrong x Oprah Winfried "collabo" currently in the works:

The consensus seems to be that one of two things is going to happen during this interview:

1) Lance Armstrong is going to confess to using performance-enhancing drugs;


2) He and Oprah are going to spend the entire 90 minutes having passionate sex while Larry King reads aloud from "Fifty Shades of Grey," which will cause everyone in the world to forget the whole doping controversy once and for all.

In the public relations business, scenario number two is what is known as a "pop culture hard reset."  It's basically the equivalent of mass electro-shock therapy, only it causes a lot more vomiting.

Either way, as we watched Armstrong stomp to (temporary) victory all those years, who would have thought it would all come down to an Oprah interview?  Already it feels like the final episode of "Seinfeld," and just like in that "Seinfeld" all the characters--even the minor ones--are coming back to feast on the media buffet and repeat their famous catch phrases one last time.  Even Robert Mackey is writing about it:

You may remember Robert Mackey as the guy who bought a Cervelo and decided to ride the Tour de France, and then got really upset because some people gave him a hard time about it:

"A lot of those people almost ruined that experience for me," notes Robert Mackey, a writer for The New York Times website, referring to writing The Climb, a blogged account of his time riding much of the Tour de France route this summer as a novice cyclist. While the overwhelming number of comments were positive, Mackey found that a group of self-described "bike snobs" kept sparking dozens of "weird, angry" comments that he had to edit, including the bizarre contention that he had no "right" to do what he was doing, or even that he should hand over his bike to a poorer, more "worthy" cyclist—a demand made by the cyclist himself. It was a black-hole conversation, one that produced infinite heat and no light.

"It was an unbelievable experience—like editing graffiti," remembers Mackey. "It makes you feel awful about the world."

What a literary NIMBY.  He didn't have to edit them; rather, he chose to edit them, because apparently he subscribes to the uniquely American view that everybody is supposed to unanimously celebrate everything you do, especially if you've spent large sums of money in order to do it.  If you want to pretend everyone in the world thinks what you're doing is fantastic, you probably shouldn't write about it on the Internet.

No, the proper venue for that sort of self-mythologizing is the Oprah show.

Anyway, no doubt there will be Oprah viewing parties next Thursday at bars everywhere, though the roadies won't be attending since 9:00pm is way past their bedtime, and also they're almost as afraid of bars as they are of dirt.  Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Oprah without including this:

I'm looking forward to having a good cry as I always do while watching Oprah, as well as to hard-hitting questions like, "What is a bike?"

Speaking of denial, awhile back I mentioned a film called "I Am Not A Hipster," and while I'm far too lazy to find the post in which I mentioned it, the filmmakers wanted me to let you know that it's showing in New York this Thursday.  Here's their new trailer:

I AM NOT A HIPSTER (Trailer Two) from Destin Daniel Cretton on Vimeo.

As you can see, this movie has something for everyone, assuming everyone is a hipster.  There are butts:

And hairstyles:

And fixie geared bikes:

And butts:

And also reviews:

Is that even supposed to be good?

Here's another review:

That's a blurb that, because of all the commas, I don't know if, he means he fell in love with the movie, or he fell in love with, hipsters.

I should disclose that the filmmakers have offered to send me a DVD of the movie, but I'm not going to accept.  That's because I'm a total hipster, and I only watch movies on VHS.  Everybody knows DVDs are the Armani Exchange of video formats.  Also, I don't want to give away the ending, but it turns out the main character has a stalker from Portland who strangles him to death with his dreadlocks.  Think "Talk Radio," only with dreadlocks instead of Jew-fros:

(I don't think Eric Bogosian is Jewish, but the character he played in "Talk Radio" was, which makes this a Jew-fro.)

Actually, there appear to be plenty of Jew-fros in "I Am Not A Hipster" as well, so if you're a total hipster I recommend having a fatal hairstyle VHS film festival and watching both movies back-to-back.

Lastly, Rabobank is now the Blanco Pro Cycling Team:

Here's the pitch:

A new team, a fresh start, a blank canvas. The Blanco Pro Cycling Team riders and staff are determined to create an upbeat and transparent future. We will play a role in taking cycling to where it belongs; in the heart and mind of cycling fans around the world. We will build and foster great cycling talent and we will inspire a new generation of riders and fans. The team is committed to perform at the highest level and we will do so in an honest and trustworthy way. We welcome you to join us on this ride. Ride the future.

"Transparency" is the new "laterally stiff yet vertically compliant."