It's the penultimate Wednesday of 2012. Make it count.

All, right, that's it.  I've officially had it up to here [indicates top of head where helment goes] with the helment nanzis.  Why?  Because yesterday someone Tweeted this article in my direction:

Yes, apparently people are outraged that Tony Hawk took his helmentless daughter for a ride on a skateboard:

INSTAGRAM users have severely criticised skateboarding star Tony Hawk for taking his four-year-old daughter into a concrete bowl without a helmet.

Of course, Instagram users aren't the most savvy people in the world, which is why they subscribe to a service that can license their photos without compensating them.  Anyway, here's what he did:

First of all, you're supposed to fling kids around.  They love it!  Secondly, he's Tony Hawk.  Tony Hawk is like the Tony Hawk of skateboards, and I think he's perfectly capable of piddling around in his own backyard without bashing his daughter's head in--or, as he put it:

"For those that say I endanger my child: it's more likely that you will fall while walking on the sidewalk than I will while skating with my daughter."

Arrrgh-men.  (That's Pirate for "amen.")  But for the love of Lob, put some shoes on that kid, you maniac!!!  Also, you've got to be downright suicidal to hang out with Robert Smith without wearing a helment:

Actually, I'm not sure if that's Robert Smith or an undead Liz Taylor:

You have to admit the two are virtually indistinguishable.

Speaking of helments and danger, I was watching TV last night and saw the following commercial:



Now that's something to get outraged about.  I mean, look at this crap!

You know, maybe if people with shitty credit rode bikes instead of driving cars we wouldn't be a nation of indebted obese people suckling the corporate teat--which is exactly why these all these companies work so hard to shame you out of riding bikes in the first place.  I'm not sure why riding a bike is more humiliating than being an indentured servant to a bank, a car company, and an oil company all at the same time, but that's exactly the mindfuck these companies have managed to pull off, and it's only a matter of time before you start seeing commercials like this:

Bad credit?  No job?  Spent all your money on the lastest smartphone?  How badly do you really want that car?  Well Auto-fellatio.com will give you a car with no money down, no interest, and no monthly payments, and you can just pay us back with oral sex!  Just check out these testimonials:

"I'll do anything to stay behind the wheel of a car.  Good thing there's no APR on dignity."

"This scarf is easing the pain in my neck muscles but it cannot hide the shame.  Still beats riding a bike!"

"My jaw is tired as shit but I am loving this new car!"

Of course, if you think road rage is bad now, just wait until most drivers have had to fellate their way into their car:

("Out of my way!  You know how many dicks I had to suck for this Beemer?")

With the way things are going, I figure blowjobs will replace the US dollar in about five years. at which point I guess we'll finally be able to pay off our debt to China.

Speaking of delusion, professional cyclists continue to come up with innovative ways to excuse their past doping, and the latest angle is that doping is actually harder than not doping:

“The drugs made me feel sluggish at first, but eventually I got used to them. I assumed they helped me physically, but I didn’t expect the mental toll. If you’re not sleeping and feel paranoid and guilty all the time, it affects your performance massively. It was only once I stopped that I realized the gains were minimal.”

In other words, he was actually at a disadvantage to the clean riders and therefore deserves sympathy instead of scorn--which might be worth something if there were actually any clean riders.  

Meanwhile, in cyclocross, where nobody dopes, it looks like they're barely going to be able to pull off this World Championships in Louisville, KY:

In fact, not only is the sponsor a total deadbeat, but they've hardly sold any tickets:

"We've sold 2,500 tickets, but we'd like to double that at least. We are also hoping to get a few more sponsors, and we are hoping that the industry will help by purchasing VIP areas that are still available."

Evidently people don't like cyclocross as much as they've been pretending to--either that, or they're all defecting, in which case I blame that SRAM video.  As for where they're defecting do, my best bet is they're getting into competitive karaoke and buying karaoke bikes:

Washington, D.C. is the new epicenter of bicycling - and home of District Karaoke, D.C.'s first-and-only team-based, competitive karaoke league.

District Karaoke is dedicated to building community through karaoke - singing is a fantastic way to introduce people to each other and have fun.

Which sounded like a waste of money, but which is actually a good investment compared to the "Bag Buddy:"

(Click here to watch, I can't get the stupid video embedding to work.)

I have a number of reservations regarding the Bag Buddy, though I am convinced that this guy needs to invent a Shirt Buddy if he's going to carry his bike like that:

I'm also disinclined to take cycling advice from people who ride on the sidewalk:

And who salmon wantonly:

Anyway, have you ever been in a situation where you needed to hang a plastic bag on your handlebars?  Sure you have, which is why you know it sucks.  It's also why you don't want a sketchy bag-hanging counterbalance system reminiscent of those sandbags they use in theaters:

I mean look at this:

Next come the outrageous claims, such as: "There are three important benefits to the Bag Buddy, number one being safety," after which we see our safety-minded inventor riding on the sidewalk with four shopping bags hanging from his handlebars:

"The second important benefit is maneuverability," he says.  "You can take hard turns and short stops with no problem."  Then he makes a short stop and his Key Food bags start swinging like low-hanging "pants yabbies:"

Not annoying at all.  So what's the third benefit?

"The third benefit is decreased risk of wheel pinches."

I don't even know what that is.

I do know what the Bag Buddy is though, and that's a bad idea.  If he really likes carrying stuff on his handlebars, why not get a pair of bar ends?  Has he really never watched Chinese food delivery cyclists?  Nobody hands plastic bags from their handlebars like those guys.

A plastic bag handlebar-hanging enthusiast who doesn't copy the Chinese food delivery guys is like a fakenger who doesn't wear a messenger bag.