Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (Now With More Folding Bikes)

First of all, I want to thank all the people who commented and emailed with their folding bike suggestions yesterday--except for the person who told me to go fuck myself, which frankly seemed unwarranted.  Also, somebody else commented that I have a lot of bikes already, which, like, none of your business.  I also have a lot of wine bottles in my bathtub, but none of those fold either.  So what's your point?  Just because I have so much bottled wine I'm not allowed to buy a wine skin so I can fold it up and hide it in my pants at the movies?

I DON'T have to EXPLAIN myself to YOU.  [Stomps foot on each capitalized word and pouts, then slams door to bedroom and cranks up the Fallout Boy.]

Anyway, clearly I have lots to consider.  For example, some people suggested the Swift Folder:

On the plus side, they seem to be slightly less clownish than other folding bikes.  On the negative side, they don't seem to fold down that small--and I want it to fold down small so I can take it into the bathroom of my yacht with me.  Also, judging from the guy in the photo, it's a total hipster bike.  I mean seriously, what a total hipster.

Then there's the Bike Friday:

On the plus side, you can do folding bike dorklocross like the guy in the video.  On the negative side, you might have nightmares about noted Bike Friday enthusiast Phil Liggett:

Also, at least one commenter pointed out that Bike Fridays are made in the USA.  I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but what do I care?  In fact, I'm rooting for the death of American manufacturing because the sooner this country collapses due to a lack of factory jobs then the sooner some foreign power will come in and take us over, which quite frankly may be our only hope.  That way, at least there's a chance that whoever takes us over will be bike-friendly.  Does China like bikes?

Speaking of China, I think Dahons may be made there, and that's another folding bike purveyor I should consider:

On the plus side, they're pretty reasonably priced.  One the negative side, "Mu P8" sounds like "mupate," which sounds like something you'd do after you micturate.

Then of course there's the Brompton:

(Never let someone who rides a bike like this crash on your floor for just "a night or two at most" unless you want a permanent roommate who doesn't pay rent.)

On the plus side, they're British, and there's no culture in the world that is better at making things that fold up quickly.  Just consider that the British Empire went from this:

Down to this:

In like 20 years, which is the geopolitical equivalent of a bike that folds from this:

To this:

In a single millisecond.

Given this, it's a testament to British refinement and tact that all they did was make the Brompton.

That's not to say I've necessarily decided on the Brompton though, since I'd have to buy a lot more tweed, and honestly I don't think I could handle wearing the underpants.

Anyway, clearly I have a lot to think about, and the process is so daunting that I'm tempted to just say, "Fuck it, I'm buying a Hyundai"--which, it turns out, is just what they're hoping we'll do:

@bikesnobnyc Hyundai reveals rag-top Veloster time travellling from 2007 theage.com.au/drive/motor-ne…
— Chris Ingram (@Chgristoingram) November 29, 2012

By the way, I'm still loving this Twitter embedding thing.  It's so easy!  See?

eating pussy
— Mario Cipollini (@CipolliniM) October 8, 2009

That's over three years now, which has to be some kind of record.

So, right, this Hyundai:

This car calls for a joke as stale and dated as the trend on which it is trying to capitalize, and so I'll say that Bianchi called and they want their "colorway" back.  As the Tweeterer rightly points out, Hyundai are clearly at least five years behind the cycling trend curve, which means that we can expect them to launch a car that looks like a cyclocross bike sometime around 2018.  By the way, this is a stupid way to carry a bike:

What's the point of taking up the trunk space and reducing your ability to parallel park while still letting the bike hang out there like a fixed-gear hemorrhoid?  Put on your big boy pants and put the fucking bike on the roof already.  Sure, it burns a little more gas, but if you're afraid to burn some gas then you shouldn't be driving.  Or you could just ride the stupid thing, but I can't really blame somebody for not wanting too.

And here's how Hyundai explained themselves to USA Today (the "fixie" of newspapers):

Hyundai says its idea came from fixed-gear bikes, the "fixies" that have taken over urban corridors around the country. Originally ridden by bike messengers, they went mainstream for riders who wanted ultra low weight. Unlike the bikes, the car has brakes.

"We were inspired by the proverb 'A rolling stone gathers no moss,'" said Chris Chapman, Hyundai's chief designer in the U.S. The concept car "offers the 'no strings attached' freedom of a roll top convertible."

Yes, nothing says "no strings attached freedom" like a lease, an insurance policy, and a dependence on fossil fuels.  And if you want real car/bike "collabo" street cred, you're much better off with a Jetta Trek:



Something tells me the Veloster is going to be even less "classic" than that Jetta in 15 years.

Speaking of cycling subcultures ripe for mainstream appropriation, this weekend Los Angeles will host the Single Speed Cyclocross World Championships, which zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz:

Sorry, I nodded off there for a moment because I'm like so over everything.  This because I was once a delusional bike racer, then I became a jaded irreverent bike racer, and now I'm just a crotchety loner with hairy legs and a general disdain for everything.  At least I can take solace in the fact that while everyone's hopping on and off bikes that don't shift I'll be on the Internet shopping for folding bikes.  So suck on that.

Mabye if you're lucky those Rapha sandbaggers will show up again and leave before the tattoos are handed out:

Lastly, I saw on the Streetsblog how where a lawyer got arrested for knocking down a cyclist:

I wonder if he handed her a bill afterwards.