Cultural Differences: Cunts and Ammo

In English speaking media markets, the sport of professional cycling continues to vie for mainstream acceptance.  Sure, a few casual sports fans may turn their heads towards cycling during Tour de France time, but in order to hold their attention we need relatable riders with "hooks."  Lance Armstrong had more "hook" than a bait and tackle shop thanks to the whole "ancer-cay" thing, but since then the cycling media has vainly struggled to produce a suitable replacement.  Finally though, we may have found somebody in Bradley Wiggins, the guy who likes to say "cunt:"



Yes, sometimes Wiggins just likes to throw an unadorned "cunt" out there, while other times he likes to dress up the "cunt" by prefacing it with other expletives such as "shit," "fuck," and "wankers:"

I say they're just fucking wankers. I cannot be doing with people like that.


It justifies their own bone-idleness because they can't ever imagine applying themselves to do anything in their lives.


It's easy for them to sit under a pseudonym on Twitter and write that sort of shit, rather than get off their arses in their own lives and apply themselves and work hard at something and achieve something. And that's ultimately it. Cunts.

It's a long Tour, and in the coming weeks Wiggins's fortunes may rise or fall.  Either way, I hope his use of the word "cunt" only grows more creative, and I'm looking forward to the moment when he finally starts using props to drive home his point:

("See this saddle?  Now imagine it's a great big cunt.  That's what you are.")

And should he actually win this thing, you can be sure Wiggins will leverage his "c" word the same way Armstrong did, after which it's only a matter of time before the wrists of Fred-dom are bejewled with CuntStrong bracelets.

Of course, it's important to keep in mind that the word "cunt" doesn't have the same connotations in Britain as it does down here in Canada's unkempt cunt.  That's because Americans tend to be slightly prudish, whereas the British tend to be a bit bawdier.  Just ask the cunts down on Fuckfield Lane:

Sure, it's not actually called Fuckfield, but to me the "F" is even more conspicuous in its absence.  (Though that's probably because I'm a repressed and prudish American.)

Speaking of America, as a New Yorker I don't really live there, but I did have occasion to pass through it on my travels last week.  Almost 200 years ago, Alexis de Tocqueville came here and wrote a book called "Democracy in America," in which he said that the aristocracy was disappearing and people were becoming more equal.  (At least that's what I read on Wikipedia.)  Given this, he might be surprised to learn that in the ensuing years America has scrapped the whole democracy thing and has instead embraced the feudal system.  However, instead of fiefdoms comprised of big manor houses that are surrounded by serfs, we now have things called "Walmarts" that are surrounded by people who are completely underwater on their mortgages.  Today, all Tocqueville would have to do would be to visit these Walmarts and they would tell him everything he needed to know about America.  For example, did you know that 32ers are the new 29ers?

Well, I didn't, until I visited a Walmart:

As I stood there, I wondered why Walmart was selling bikes with giant wheels and lots of spokes, at which point someone wandered over to examine one.  It was then, looking at this person, that I realized it's because the average American weighs something like 350lbs.  And don't give me that nonsense about how smaller-diamater wheels are intrinsically stronger, because it's all about "angle of attack," and when a 350lb Walmart shopper is riding a 26-inch mountain bike with flat tires on a poorly-maintained sidewalk those tiny wheels are basically little better than wedges.  No, the Sidewalks of Tomorrow will be full of behemoths on 32-inch department store cruiser bikes with bottle cages big enough to hold a two-liter bottle of Pepsi.

As for 29ers, it should go without saying that they're the new 26-inch:

There was a time when the notion of a department store 29er was almost as unthinkable as a department store fixie.  Now, you can buy both at Walmart as easily as you can buy live ammunition:

That surprised me, as did the actual guns out of which to fire the live ammunition which were hanging right behind me.  Of course, as a certified "woosie," I don't know anything about guns except that I never want to be in front of one when it goes off.  That's why this thing scares the crap out of me, even though one Walmart shopper says it's a great first rifle for kids:

The Bushmaster M4A3 is a fantastic rifle to either add to a collection or for a first rifle, very easy to shoot and accurate. My fivteen year old daughter can shoot this rifle with very accurate results and loves to go out shooting it with dad, you will not be disapointed with it!
I use Federal .223 ammo with brass casings and have never had a problem with it, I have had people tell me that the cheaper ammo with steele casings has jammed on them but I don't buy cheap ammo just to avoid any problems


I only hope these department stores assemble their guns better than they assemble their bikes.

Anyway, in addition to ammo for your guns, Walmart also sells ammo for your mind:

Yes, that's all the raw materials you need for an armed rebellion under one roof--and they have a pharmacy!

Sure, we may have our problems, but absolutely nobody does retail like America.

In any case, I can't help wondering how quickly we'd all kill each other in here New York if we had easier access to guns:

Dear Cyclist-Hating Bitch - w4w - 27 (Long Island City, 49th Ave + Jackson Ave)

Date: 2012-07-08, 7:05PM EDT

Reply to: [deleted]

Dear Cyclist-Hating Bitch,

I am sorry that you have a deep hatred for cyclists, apparently based on those who do not follow traffic rules. Honestly, they frustrate me as well.

However, before throwing assorted trash (and your phone) at me and screaming at me in the middle of the road, you might consider that I "almost hit" you because you were "running" (and I use that term generously) across the street against the signal, and I, in fact, swerved to *not* hit you. Furthermore, I was in the bike lane.

Sincerely, fuck you. 

That's just a love note compared to what Bradley Wiggins would have written.