Monday, February 27, 2012

Slip It In: Finding New Places For Crabon

Celebrated American author Charles Dickens began his most celebrated novel, "Hamlet," with the following sentence:

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect-like creature."

I don't want to spoil the ending, but Finny dies.

This morning, I woke up to a revelation a thousand times more horrible than any existentialist entomological crisis.  See, as I slept, I had uneasy dreams of Fredness.  Then, when I awoke, I realized that I had been losing precious wattage through inefficient power transfer.

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and ordered a meal, and then when the meal arrives you realize it sucks, but even though it sucks you eat every morsel and sop up all the remaining juices with a piece of bread and then finally lick the plate clean with the enthusiasm and relish of a cat cleaning its privates?  Probably not. Nevertheless, this behavior is the essence of Fredness.  Even though we suck, we labor under the delusion that we need to channel every bit of our pathetic power output and ungainly pedal stroke into the drivetrain of our overpriced bicycles in order to propel us to a rarefied realm of glory and achievement that exists only in our minds.  And when it comes to this behavior, the equivalent of that piece of bread you use to sop up that lousy sauce is the $395 crabon insole, forwarded to me by a reader:


Actually, this insole is not the equivalent of the bread so much as it's the equivalent of paying a surcharge for an ultra-stiff table to help you consume your crappy meal more quickly and efficiently.

Let's just pretend for a moment that there aren't like 26 bones in the human foot, and that it doesn't move at all.  Let's also pretend that you could get a shoe with an upper so stiff and with fasteners so tenacious that you could lock your totally rigid foot with its fused joints into position so firmly that it wouldn't flex so much as a fraction of a millimeter.  Finally, let's pretend that this rigid foot scenario was actually desirable.

On top of this, since we're talking about Freds, we can already assume that the frame is crabon, and the crank is crabon, and the pedal is crabon, and the sole of the shoe is crabon. 

Why, then, would you also need to slip in another layer of crabon in the form of this insole?

Well, because Freds live in a "bizzaro" version of "The Princess of the Pea," and any material even remotely yielding must be eliminated at all costs.  (Apart from their own doughy physiques, of course.) This is why I know my new line of crabon socks is going to be a huge success:


(Crabon sock prototype: laterally stiff and vertically hobbled.)

Or, if you're a "weight weenie," you can just skip the socks and the shoes and opt instead for my crabon insole modification:


The ultra-high modulus crabon toe thong coupled with the three-hole cleat mounting platform transforms your crabon insole into the lightest, stiffest racing flip-flop available.  

Of course, once you've eliminated all traces of flex from your Fred sled you're then ready to hit the park where you can ride around and around in circles while regaling other Freds with tales of your upgrades.  Fortunately, if your park of choice is Brooklyn's Prospect Park, you'll be pleased to know that the Department of Transportation has finally removed the "Barrels of Shame:"


I mentioned the Barrels of Shame last month, but while they may be gone we're only free temporarily because it's only a matter of time before the DOT implements some sort of "Phase II:"

"City transportation officials removed dozens orange traffic barrels intended to slow cyclists on a crash-prone hill in Prospect Park — and now they want your advice on what to do next."

It's odd that the DOT is so concerned with cyclists in the park, yet I've never heard anybody complaining about the high number of cars that speed through it during car-free hours.  For example, the park is closed to cars all weekend long, yet early Saturday morning I actually had to dodge a speeding car salmon.  Of course, he had his hazard lights on, so that makes it OK.  Actually, maybe that's the answer--hazard lights clearly legitimize every type of traffic infraction, so if we were to put them on our bicycles maybe we'd have total immunity too.  

In any case if the DOT really wants suggestions for what to do about cyclists in the park, here's my idea:

Buy us off.

Sure, I can't speak for everybody, but for the low, low price of $100,000 from the City of New York I'd happily agree to never, ever ride my bicycle in Prospect Park again.  Then, I'd take the money and invest in the Crabon Fred Miracle Dynamo Light, invented by acclaimed director Werner Herzog:


I don't know how it works since I'm not very knowledgeable about science, but my guess is that it's filled with tiny demons.  Anyway, I'd be sure to make millions, and then I could buy and sell your measly little park like that. [Snaps fingers to indicate ease with which he could buy and sell park.]

In your face, DOT.

Speaking of entrepreneurial ideas, here in New York City it's fairly commonplace to receive deliveries by bicycle, but a reader informs me there are other parts of the country in which the concept of bicycle delivery is as mysterious as a light filled with tiny demons:


Consider the writer's amazement when a single human is able to carry three (3) whole bottles of wine while riding a bicycle:

I live on a cul-de-sac in downtown Raleigh, south of Oakwood. We're grateful the pizza man even remembers where we are. So it was with awe that I watched as a trim young man on a bike rode up to my front porch and pulled from his Swiss Army backpack three bottles of wine that I had selected online just an hour before.

She should go to Portland, where the sight of a soup delivery bike would probably melt her face:


By the way, if you're like a lot of people you probably have trouble keeping your chowders straight, so when you're ordering soup by bicycle in Portland try to remember:

--New England clam chowder is the white one;

--Manhattan clam chowder is the red one;

and

--Portland clam chowder is the one filled with tiny chunks of smugness.

Also, if it's your first time eating Portland clam chowder you should be very careful--those smugness chunks are a choking hazard.

But while it's oddly satisfying that people are amazed by the concept of bicycle delivery, I miss the days when the bicycle still had the power to terrify a team of horses:


("On Your Left," by Frederic Remington)

A reader tells me the above painting hangs in the Amon Carter museum in Fort Worth, Texas.  Frankly, I'm not sure which is more amazing: that they actually have art museums in Fort Worth, Texas, or that people were once able to undertake "epic" bike rides without the aid of social networking or Kickstarter.  Certainly that's not the case now, and here is his modern-day equivalent:


(Forwarded by yet another reader.)

But while cyclists may not scare horses now, they can make people drop their knitting needles:




Man on bike, cat on sidewalk. - w4m - 21
Date: 2012-02-24, 8:00PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]


I was walking. We made startled, awkward eye contact as I yelled after a tabby that had just run between my feet, "YOU, CAT ! ARE YOU MISSING?" I was trying to communicate with the tabby because, a block prior, I had witnessed a distressed youth hyperventilating before a LOST CAT sign posted to the trunk of a sycamore. You understand. 


You: Were on a bike, waiting on a red light. You probably always wait at red lights. I like that. You looked like you have at least one toddler at home. You're one of those guys who has mastered the art of making "fuck me" eyes with strong undertones of "I'm taken and happy, so get lost" eyes. You were hot. Like, Billy Zane when he's wearing a wig, hot. 


If you are this guy, a lost tabby, or some hyperventilating youth, hit me up. I'm a decent looking brunette, and I'm ready and willing to drop my knitting needles for the time it takes for dinner, a movie, and a good-night kiss on both cheeks. 

Though they're not quite powerful enough to overcome sexual orientation, even when paired with exotic pants:




British gay dude on bike....commented on my pants - w4m - 28 (Manhattan)
Date: 2012-02-27, 12:13AM EST
Reply to: [deleted]


You commented on my bike gear, and considering the fact you were wearing shorts today, we need to have this conversation. My pants were Outlier (outlier.cc) and they're the best pants I've ever owned.


ANYWAYS


You're gay, so this is totally platonic, but I still want to chat with you! You got my number but I'm not sure if you got the right one, because you never texted me. 


Your name was Alex (I think), you did some reporting for the BBC, we were going to chat about Occupy related stuff.....so get back at me! 

I think someone may have given someone else a fake number.

126 comments:

Ed said...

bang

Anonymous said...

whooope doo craaaabon

pebes said...

pode

samh said...

Day off from work. SCRANUS.

Big Charlie said...

On your left!

le Correcteur said...

top 10!

Jasper said...

Early doors

Unknown said...

The Texan photo is of the ultimate hybrid. The bike is a hybrid of a fixy and a triathlon bike (if only it had canti brakes it could represent all freds everywhere). The rider is a hybrid of a man and a woman.

McFly said...

top ten?

McFly said...

yep

Barrel Jumper said...

Can't place twice!

Anonymous said...

I'm wearing carbon (oops, I mean "crabon") underwear.




balls™

Mongo Pusher said...

Belletti !

leroy said...

So close. Gotta get crabon key pad.

Anonymous said...

WTF is up with that track/tri bike?

MajorMantra said...

He may look ridiculous (all tri-dorks do) but the guy on the yellow fixed gear is a machine:

http://www.slowtwitch.com/Interview/Cory_Foulk_s_wild_rides__1990.html

Buffalo Bill said...

Snob, you have to stop messing with your title, the google is getting confused.

Anonymous said...

Fredator (tm) crabon sandal

grog said...

Recumbabe riding in Prospect Park? Thanky Biek Snob!

Anonymous said...

Actually, Fort Worth has some very nice art museums, e.g. https://www.kimbellart.org/index.aspx

Anonymous said...

there I was believing amber nimocks was a UTI

Buy-cycle said...

I miss ant1st

Paul Bowen said...

Always with the gay. That's just how we talk OK?

Anonymous said...

hey Look, it's Frog and Toad

Anonymous said...

Texas art scene is goin off. Lotsa money and sad expats.

Anonymous said...

I prefer <a href="http://www.theonion.com/articles/revolutionary-new-insoles-combine-five-forms-of-ps,759/> these </a> insoles, myself.

Anonymous said...

You know those Germans always make great stuff

Vince

Anonymous said...

Aw, crap.

I prefer these insoles, myself.

Anonymous said...

I miss the Kimball, but now I guess I can get wine delivered by bike.



balls™

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

by lob - talking to missing cats; outlier pants; gay shorts wearing journalists for platonic relationships. Self described "brunettes"; hyper ventilators - is there an alternate universe? Do I need to drink the Portland chowder to find it?

Anonymous said...

Full of Lulz today snob.

Carbon flops. giggle

"probably melt her face.." pashaw

"One Your Left." Bwahaha

Fixy Tri animal guy. ScoobbyDo style "Huh"?

Craigs List posts.
Ne pas, ne pas

Anonymous said...

I don't get the Kickstarter/ Fixy Tri guy connection.

Did I miss something?

Clueless reader.

Anonymous said...

Thank Lob I'm not a conspicuous consuming Fred; my insoles are custom made, lugged-steel jobs that provide all-day comfort because they're made just for me by hirsute and earnest Americans. Besides, carbon soles wouldn't look right with my calf tattoos.

BrendanBarryConroy said...

Swiss Army backpack?

BrendanBarryConroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

Wrong number.

Anonymous said...

Tri-guy picture looks like Kona. It's a pretty flat route and not unreasonably tackled with one gear. It's also a really crappy, boring course... made more so with the proximity of really spectacular exciting riding (I mean, I find the Port of Oakland way more engaging riding). So, of course, it makes sense to be triathlon's premier bike ride.

Hungry Panda said...

Once they start making bamboo insoles and casts the world will be a better place. Calfee will be forced to recycle those casts, or my meals will come form the dumpster at the local hospital. The rest of that blog was pure nonsense.

Anonymous said...

I dunno, man, I think dogs lick their privates with more enthusiasm than cats do.

Anonymous said...

Are those crabon flip-flops SPD compatible?

crosspalms said...

"Man on bike, cat on sidewalk." Santorum strikes again.

Woody Allen said...

1st Yenta: the food here is terrible!
2nd Yenta: and such small portions!

Dr. Feelgood said...

"Biek" Snob....are we going to get a lesson about the origin of the word "biek"? It must be some original German word that the Dutch hijacked!
Mikeweb, is that a reference to Dial a Hitman by B.A.D.?
By the way, for all of you Freds, Viagra will also add stiffness and improve your performance...just saying.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

STIF SOLE

TKanz said...

Now some Fred is going to have a kickstarter page for you're crabon socks.......You should've tradmarked the idea when you had the chance!

mikeweb said...

I'm going to create a kick starter page for a manual way to turn on a motorcycle engine.

Dr. F,

The only reference is to my own inability to dial a phone, and to the intrepid stalker evading abilities of BBC reporters.

Fred End said...

I've begun a pre race diet regiment of entirely crabon fieber. My lateral compliance has increased threefold and my wattage has upped significantly.

Simple said...

I don't get the Herzog bit.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The first paragraph of today's post was positively Kafkaesque, but then the post metamorphasized into something completely different.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to place the $400 crabon insoles in my $50 dollar Vans. I like the lateral stiffness while still looking hip.

Was reminded of earlier snob post relating to bikes in car ads this weekend. I found 3 instances of bikes in Chevy Silverado adds. I can't find the 3rd one they were showing last night but here are the other two:

1. @.05
http://youtu.be/XxFYYP8040A

2. .02
http://youtu.be/WXJ6nL3gomM

wishiwasmerckx said...

I am setting up a kickstarter for my carbon condoms. Still a work in progress. They are laterally stiff, but I am having a problem with...ahem...vertical compliance.

Olle Nilsson said...

I'm rocking crabon insoles from Dr. Scholl's. Keeps the stank down to tolerable levels.

Cipo said...

Is that satan light mounted to the fucking BRAKE PADS?!?!?!?!



eating pussy.

wishiwasmerckx said...

It sounds like a weary Portuguese wrote those CL posts.

Did she mean Billy Zane batshit crazy like in Dead Calm?

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

If that's a man, what is up with those boobs?

Anonymous said...

gah, my crabon insole broke! Coulda placed higher...


balls®

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

my first skid stop today...

was riding fixed of gear when the front and only brake cable broke.

that was scary....I didn't like it at all.

Have no idea how those kids ride around all day like that

DerZoots said...

This new comments page format is making me a little uncomfortable more so with the accompanying title change.
I'll have to MoarWeed and mull it over.

Dr. Frederick Crotchety said...

Sir Biek,

I have several oversized messenger bags full of barely-used prototypes and associated test data for my patent pending "crabois" bib liner material that may interest you. I can sense your excitement, a little because I too have the delicate skin of a Princess, but mostly due to the extreme rigidity of what some of my colleagues have termed my "Fredpiece." I believe between your cutting-edge crabon socks technology and my cognizance of taintal buttressing, we may just have a chance of winning next year's Five Borough Grand Fondo or perhaps even that other race in France.

jno62 said...

Tiny Chunks of Smugness.

Another great name for a Band, Snobby!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Remington, the first replacement horse fred.

Anonymous said...

I wish more of the comments were like my fav glory hole, anonymous.

Anonymous said...

WTF is up with Blogger's comments format?

I fucking hate this extreme left justification and the BS sans serif font.

Fuck, I HATE CHANGE on my interwebs.

First Steve Jobs kicks and now this!? WTF???

SOMEONE PLEASE FIX THIS OR I AM SOOO OUT OF HERE.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Either that triathlete guy has a nice pair of 36Ds, or else he has negated all of the effort of the aero gear by turning his unitard into a wind-catching sail.

Anonymous said...

by my estimate, bicycle light innovation must be responsible for at least 90 percent of kickstarter's business.

bikesgonewild said...

..."I'm going to create a kick starter page for a manual way to turn on a motorcycle engine."...

...genius...bwahahaha...

McFly said...

1)I always thought Hamlet would be a good name for a lil pot-bellied pig.
2) That's not an insole it's a High performance after-market crabon prostetic beaver tail. Beaver.
3)Like him(herm?) or not the dude on the tri collabo is really diggin'. He wants it.

Anonymous said...

Art museums in Ft Worth? Maybe. What's even more unbelievable is a Southerner ordering Indian food take-out. Unless maybe she's talking about the Native American kind, and was really ordering a hind quarter of bison or something.

I was just kidding said...

"Have you ever gone to a restaurant and ordered a meal, and then when the meal arrives you realize it sucks, but even though it sucks you eat every morsel and sop up all the remaining juices with a piece of bread and then finally lick the plate clean with the enthusiasm and relish of a cat cleaning its privates? Probably not. "

Pure gold. Pure gold. I take back all the nasty comments I've been trolling here for awhile.

Anonymous said...

Ah, but does our Snob know the clear chowda?

Salty and Sore said...

say you don't want it..
YOU DON'T WANT IT!
then.. you... slip it on in..

LOVE BLACK FLAG!

Anonymous said...

The girl/guy in the pic -- that is a lesson to not use steroids kiddies. Man boobs are not funny.

cycle

Anonymous said...

man boobs on the modified aero-schwinn looks like he is having a good time.

Anonymous said...

carbon crabon cabrón

Anonymous said...

With regards to "But while cyclists may not scare horses now" - I've had equestrians ask me to dismount my bike so that they could get by safely without the horses being spooked (I was so surprised to have even come across them, that it was awhile before I realized I could have asked them to dismount).
Also, there's always this video from the Tour of the Catskills: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5fv91yB4Gw.

Yo Spiff said...

Thanks for the brief mention of Fort Worth on your blog today. We do indeed have art museums here. I know this because I've ridden my bike past them numerous times. (Yes, believe it or not, we do have cyclist here, in addition to all the truck driving rednecks!) I feel my humble home has achieved a new level of smugtitude after being mentioned on your blog. Perhaps one day you will mention humble Cowtown again and we can then be as smug as the place I will not mention but starts with a "P".

DerZoots said...

SO mulling has been done.
I'm okay with the new format.
Change at the top of the week I can deal with easily. Let me get into my as usual groove then toss in a Wednesday format change and I'm a half tick away from meltdown mode like ALL CAPS format freakout guy up there at 2:18.
Chill anon 2:18 it's only Monday. The week is definitely getting worse before Friday. You're wasting valuable freakout energy.

Quilled and Lugged said...

The way Simon Schama tells it, the Remington picture is actually the forerunner of the fixie edits with people filming people filming people riding bikes - you have to remember that in those days, they didn't have helmet cams, so the main artist was actually in the wagon sketching the hill-bombing dude in proto-Rapha. Of course we all know fixies go downhill faster than anything, even the horses, which were getting spooked by the grade rather than the guy.

Anonymous said...

Ex-i-sten-tial en-to-mo-log-i-cal!
Why those are mighty big woids, Kingfish!

Anonymous said...

finally, a dr. strangelove reference

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, do not dis Werner Herzog!

Billy said...

Great post today. German dude totally had me sold on his magical crabon lights, except I'm not willing to lay out $200 when I have a perfectly adequate set of Planet Bike blinkies on my bike now, and a set of Eneloops and charger cost a whopping $30 on Amazon.

Billy said...

Still, I dig his accent and enthusiasm. I've heard Germans are supposed to be humorless, but some of the funniest people I know are Germans. Then again, none of them are in Germany anymore. Or maybe I just have a warped sense of humor?

Anonymous said...

The horses are frightened by their replacement.

(Or what the Dutch told them would be their replacement … there's been a smoggy detour along the way.)

Anonymous said...

Crazy I know but I could find no cyclist v.s. pedestrian fatals on Google and I'm a researcher. Of course I didn't go 300 pages deep either.

Anonymous said...

The trifred with the zipp has been discussed here before. He indeed rode Kona on that rig running fixed, but the bike leg took him 8 hours for a 14 mph average. The zipp probably allowed him to miss the broom wagon -- if he'd rolled into the bike-run transition 45 min later he would have been pulled from the course.

This guy is still probably a better triathlete than I am, but if that means he's the one who got to spend 8 hours in that position turning an average cadence of 65, I'm ok with that.

Anonymous said...

The historical account I read years ago had the native (real) American viewing the Remington-like scene and saying, "Geesus! White man sit down and walk like Hell." Actually, First Nations now that I think about it. Rider was not a Dukaboor.

Anonymous said...

Panties

Anonymous said...

Manhattan Carbon Chowder Panties!!

Anonymous said...

iPanties (they're like regular cotton panties only better because they have carbon!)

David said...

Almost went to graduate school in Ft. Worthless. Didn't. Glad I didn't.

McFly said...

I rode upon an entire flock of horseseses yesterday. They were hella-uber-chill. Of course they were Tennessee Walking Horses, not their evil cousin, Kentucky Kickin/Stompin' Horses. They even had dogs with them that did not bite me. Bonus.

ce said...

The Magnic Light looks like a really good thing. Mainly because the inventor sounds like a mastermind super villain and this project looks to be distracting him from aspirations of world domination for the time being. As for the mysterious technology, I should just clarify that the demon is in the red light at the back while a beautiful white angel does the work up front. You've got to stay mindful because they'll be whispering good and evil suggestions to you for the entire duration of your ride:

"Come on, you know you want to ride the wrong way down the street and kick that cars mirror off"

"No you don't, just stay calm and pull up ahead at the stop signal, next to that chap on the bike making awkward eye contact with the flirtatious lady tripping over the cat. Wait a minute, isn't that chap... Bike Snob?"

henry rollins said...

you say you don't want, don't want it and then you slip it on in

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 7:54pm...sheesh, dude...you couldn't sound more canadian if you tried, eh ???...

...btw - 'first nation' is an awesome & wonderfully respectful term for those who preceded we euro-types to these shores...

leroy said...

More Gregor Samsa references please.

And step on it.

leroy said...

I mean them. Step on them.

Oh not really. Just kidding. Don't go all PETA on me.

leroy said...

How many roaches does it take to change a light bulb?

leroy said...

100.

(I have no idea what the answer is to that light bulb question. They always skitter away.)

leroy said...

100.

(I have no idea what the answer is to that light bulb question. They always skitter away.)

leroy said...

100.

(I have no idea what the answer is to that light bulb question. They always skitter away.)

leroy said...

Hmmph. Seems like there's a bug in posting software.

Or my dog gave my password to Archy and Mehitabel.

bikesgonewild said...

...good lord, leroy...your repetition problem is so surreal as to be kafkaesque...

...dog got your tongue ???...bark, bark, bark...

The Dolly LLama said...

Omloop ... Omloop ... Omloop

Olle Nilsson said...

leroy, the roaches don't take kindly to jokes. More than one bug in the system.

Anonymous said...

Exactly what I was thinking... Dumbass running an 80 or 90mm wheel up front too!

McFly said...

The lightbulb has to want to change.

Anonymous said...

poops.

Quickgarage said...

I really appreciate you for all the valuable information that you are providing us through your blog.

PJT said...

"On Your Left," by Frederic Remington. Anyone know if the guy riding shotgun on the stagecoach shotgunned the bike rider. I mean, he scared the horses and this was in Texas, yes?

Chriam said...

Everyone knows that homemade bamboo frames with black electrical tape lugs is the new thing!
http://inlandempire.craigslist.org/bik/2852984103.html

Anonymous said...

Although I agree with you about the Freds, the insole thing is great, but for comfort reasons, not performance. I swear by them now; like slippers.

Anonymous said...

My grandfather used goatskin when he slips it in and I use a carbon sheath.

Anonymous said...

would that be considered a carbon footprint? sorry.

Anonymous said...

I's pronounced crabon...

Anonymous said...

It's*

Anonymous said...

crabon dioxide?

Anonymous said...

You pretty much suck regularly, but "On Your Left" is good. You're like a Blogger Fred.

WPVelo said...

hola, now i'm somebuddy. or is that somefreddy?

plse disregard this comment

at your earliest convenience

if not sooner.

formerly known here as "wp"/southern rock machine.

cramitsucko said...

Oulier pants? Those fucking things cost more than Arc'teryx anything, which I thought was impossible. Their "simple" pack, is a formless sack, with thin straps, and it's $128.00, who the fuck are these evil geniuses that they can get people to fork over their dough? Snobby, can you do an expo on these ass clowns?

n said...

"that they actually have art museums in Fort Worth, Texas"

maybe your next book tour should swing by. free your mind baby. you can get blown away by the running water in south dakota, the street lights in kansas city, and the electrical outlets in sheboygan. then you can get back to new york, and sing 'back, back in the new york scene' at the top of your lungs.

Nationwide Auto Loan said...

The only referrals is to my own lack of ability to switch a cellphone, and to the smart stalker evading capabilities of BBC correspondents.

Robert said...

Spoilers, everyone dies at the end.

helena said...

Toyota dealerships have statistics that they never had to rebuild the engine in a Previa with less than 400,000 miles (unless someone did something foolish, like run it with no water or oil).

Largest previa dealer in US

Artka said...

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