Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Kicking It Over: Innovation and Self-Expression

So far this week, we've looked at two (2) videos made by two separate human-shaped animals, each of which states in its own unique dialect of moronese that people should ride their bikes on the sidewalk or else they should get run over and die.

Subsequently, one of these videographers (whose name I cannot recall) has made his video private:


While the other, "DonnieDudeDarnit," has removed his altogether:


I'm oddly fascinated by the sorts of people who take the time to record deliberately provocative videos, post them on a public forum, and then remove them when they actually elicit provocation.  It's a strange human impulse, like challenging people to fistfights and then running away, or sexually propositioning people and then making lame excuses when they actually accept.  ("Oh, sorry, I left my genitals in my other pants.")  I suppose what it comes down to is that certain people are oddly thrilled by the notion that someone might catch them doing their weird Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs" tuck-in-the-pee-pee dance and so they leave the blinds open, but when people actually start peeking in they panic and go back to sewing their bodysuits made from human skin.

Speaking of handicrafts, a reader has informed me that you can now purchase little planters for your bike:


Are you one of those people who is consumed by an unbearable longing for your houseplants when you're away from home?  If so, this horticultural "hipster cyst" is for you:


Do you love riding bikes? What about plants? Bring your plants on an adventure and let them enjoy some sunshine and fresh air! If you’ve ever dreamed about attaching a plant to your bike, now you’re in luck! This bike planter is made with 3D printing tehcnology, so not only will you be showing off your love of nature, but you’ll be showing off a little piece of the future.

Do I love riding bikes?  Yes I do.  What about plants?  Well, I dunno, I never really thought about it, but I suppose they must love riding bikes too.  And it's true, it's not really fair to keep a plant cooped up inside all day--you can tell they resent it because sometimes when you've been away for a long time you get home only to find they've torn up your clothing and peed in your shoes.  Moreover, I have in fact dreamed of attaching a plant to my bike, though it wasn't a "Wow, if only..." dream, it was more of a nightmare in which my hands turned to vines, I started sprouting palm fronds from my head, and I became a permanent part of my Scattante.  It was awful.  Still, I think the bike planter is a pretty good idea, if only because I can finally fire my very expensive plant nanny and just take my houseplants with me everywhere I go instead.

Of course, if you have a lot of plants a bike planter may not be enough, and you might just have to get a botanical bakfiets:


No helments on those plants?  For shame!

And certainly no plant-portaging bike is complete without an ivy lock:


Sadly, it's no match for a decent pair of pruning shears.

However, for the ultimate in bike-and-plant smugness, you really can't beat using your bike to make fine art paper out of invasive plant species:


Simply gather some vegetation, run it through your bicycle-powered beater, and then write your most smug insights in calligraphy using 140 characters or less.  Then, frame it and hang it in your local coffee house or bicycle co-op.  This is known as "artisanal Tweeting."

I wonder if there are any bicycle paper makers in Portland.  If not, I think I may launch a Kickstarter for a sustainable bike-powered artisanal toilet paper business.  All I'd have to do is set up one of these bike-powered paper mills somewhere with a lot of plants, like maybe Forest Park, and then I could pedal away making toilet paper all day and sell it for $25 a foot.  Sure, that's a lot compared to a roll of Charmin, and my product will no doubt contain all sorts of irritating and possibly painful imperfections ("Oops!  Looks like some poison oak got in the beater again!"), but you can't put a price on a self-satisfied and utterly guilt-free bathroom experience.

In fact, I got so excited about becoming a toilet papersmith that I headed over to Kickstarter to see if anyone had beat me to it.  They hadn't, though there was someone who wants to make bike tacos:



Sometime during the past ten years or so food preparation officially surpassed filmmaking as the loftiest form of creative expression for the liberal arts demographic.  Furthermore, it's essential that this food be prepared and served from some sort of vehicle (preferably a truck or a bicycle) instead of from an actual restaurant.  Part of the reason for this is of course that it's cheaper that way, but it's also because gentrification moves so quickly now that you need to be able to descend upon a new neighborhood within hours of reading a Tweet about it so you can provide all those young "pioneers" with the food products to which their refined palates have grown accustomed.   In any case, I have no doubt that if Darren Aronofsky were getting started today he'd never have made the movie "Pi;" instead, he'd be selling actual pies from a bakfiets.

But when it comes to creative expression, one of the most timelessly uncool forms is the art of puppetry, and the Austin Bike Zoo are combining theater, puppetry, and bicycles in a way I'd always hoped was impossible:



The Austin Bike Zoo’s Human Powered Puppetry is dedicated to inspiring communities through the creation of unique human powered vehicles, bicycle-based theatrical performances and educational programs for youth.

This particular play is called "A Typical Day in Portland:"


And it features the World's Scariest Recumbent:


As well as some thrilling stage combat:


(The protagonist of "A Typical Day in Portland" fights the dreaded Crotch Monster.)


I always thought Austin's motto was "Keep Austin Weird," but apparently it's actually "Keep Austin in a State of Delusion Akin to the Latter Stages of Syphilis."

Lastly, speaking of recumbents, while browsing Kickstarter I also discovered this recumbent motorcycle:



I really think the inventor may be on to something, though I'd also recommend a few tweaks.  In particular, I'd add a second pair of wheels for stability, as well as a canopy or roof for protection from the elements.  The enhanced stability would also allow additional room for passengers and cargo.  Here's a crude rendering:

(Behold: The Recumbent Motorcycle)

Sure, it doesn't have the thrillingly raw appeal of a Harley-Davidson, but there's no reason you can't drive this bad boy while decked out in heavy boots, leather chaps, and a skid lid.  When you slip into formation with all those burly bikers, just explain to them you're riding recumbent motorycle, crank up "Born to Be Wild," and be sure to blip the throttle at the next underpass.

113 comments:

philadelphia bicycle journal said...

First

wishiwasmerckx said...

First!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I only cheat the wind.

pebes said...

pode

GhostOfTyrone said...

I wub nu. I wub nu.

theEel said...

WEdnEsDay!

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

unfrist

Billy said...

Top 10!

Big Charlie said...

The pen is landscape.

Anonymous said...

I know what I'm doing with those bike planters, and it may or may not involve marijuana.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Artisinal toilet paper containing actual tree bark? Brilliant.

Now you can soak your bloody underpants in the sink alongside your wife's.

Anonymous said...

12?

Snobby - I'm so slow I put a seedling in my bike planter and had an oak tree at the end of the 10 mile ride.

cycle

Buffalo Bill said...

I don't even know how to sew.

Anonymous said...

Snobby - I'm so slow that I put a seedling in my bike planter and had an oak tree by the end of the 10 mile ride.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Damn - echo in here.

cycle

Buy-cycle said...

18th. Weed & scranus

crosspalms said...

I have evidence of bicycles being piloted by plants, but that video is private.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, my current read is "How To Live Like A Gentleman" by Sam Martin.

It contained this Gem: "No one's going to read a blog or chat if the content consists entirely of snide remarks."

Accordingly, you may want to add some recipes or something...

Anonymous said...

wish - lolololololol.

cycle

Billy said...

@wiwm: Awful lot of "no one's" in here reading a blog full of just that.

Read the post. Yay for video takedowns. I doubt we changed any hearts or minds, though. I guess that makes up for an entire post dedicated to each of those twits.

Charlie Didrickson said...

It's no wonder people hate cyclists.

Anonymous said...

This comment is private.




balls™

Dr. Feelgood said...

Horticultural hipster cyst for growing Wednesday Weed perhaps? Also, using the bicycle for making the rolling papers so that your high is completely cycle related? Brilliant! But wait, you then tell me I can meet my munchies need with a bike taco! Almost too much to believe.
Of course, to keep it all cycle related, I will have to use my wrist mirror to spark up my doobie. Daytime use only unless I have my Knog intense blinky....

bikesgonewild said...

...hey, johan...what the hell did you put in my little white lunch bag today ???...

...just wonderin'...

SLOP EOAK said...

That last sentence was dirty. Ugh!

mikeweb said...

WCRM:

YouTube celebri-not ass kicker extraodanaire.

Anonymous said...

"Speaking of handicrafts,"
Rim Shot...

Nice segue.

Truly, I LOLed.

Anonymous said...

"artisanal Tweeting"?

I LOLed again!

Today, they just keep coming today.

Marcel Da Chump said...

"Do you love riding bikes?"
What about weed?

mikeweb said...

I actually commented very snidely, though I just learned (learnt?) that that's ungentlemanly, on cry baby driving v-blog douchebags video on YT yesterday. I noticed that the video rating was already running 2 to 1 negative before WCRM turned his bright flashlight onto that cockroach. Wonder if he'll have any kind of douchey comeback to all the criticism...

Anonymous said...

A friend of mine was almost hit by a car last night. When he yelled "HEY!" to get the attention of the driver the driver took that as a "HEY OF AGGRESSION" and wanted to fight. Total ass hat.

bikesgonewild said...

...did somebody mention my theme song - 'born to be bikesgonewild' ???...

..."...got my pedals hummin'...
head out on the bike path,
lookin' for adventure,
or whatever comes my way...

..."born to be bikesgonewild.
born to be bikesgonewild..."
...

Blog Drafter said...

Ha ha, I chuckled the whole way this.

In college I helped a guy make kudzu paper. It actually makes very strong paper, he was selling thin sheets of it to document restorers.

DerZoots said...

Wednesday WEED in full effect eh Snob Sir Blazem'if ya gots em.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
Summertime riding midwinter.
The end is nigh?

Anonymous said...

austin keep weird sticker is joining my portland keep weird sticker, which overlay my santa cruz keep weird sticker. this is similar to the DMV annual renewal stickers on my car making a nice stack of horseshit

Velocodger said...

Outstanding spring post. Even if it is still technically winter. It's going to hit 77 today here they say. It's starting to feel like SoCal has moved north. Thanks for the reminder it's time for the Wednesday activity. My offer to buy book number two if you show up at NAHBS still stands.

Anonymous said...

do you like riding your bike?

do you like plants?

do you like masturbating to three's company reruns?

do you enjoy sniffing your chamois after a long ride?

do you think Khloe is the hottest of the kardashian sisters?

Is your favorite color green?

do you like peanut butter?

do you get black out drunk on a regular basis?

do you hate your mother?

do you eat your boggers?

do you like plants? sorry already asked that one...

le Correcteur said...

41st! I hope!

jno62 said...

"If you’ve ever dreamed about attaching a plant to your bike....."

I just don't know what to say!

jno62 said...

"If you’ve ever dreamed about attaching a plant to your bike....."

I just don't know what to say!

Anonymous said...

Then say it twice @jno62. Say it twice.

Anonymous said...

Shit just writes itself eh 'cat?

grog said...

Is that what they mean by a face plant?

mikeweb said...

I mean, I like bikes, and I like tacos, but a bike taco doesn't seem that tasty and like it might be bad for my teeth. Also, is it a kind of miniature bicycle, or a really big taco shell?

Anonymous said...

I'm still stuck on yesterdays Dead Kennedys references. How did my life go from listening to 'Holiday in Cambodia' and 'Lets lynch the landlord' to actually being a landlord who has been on holiday in Cambodia? WTF?

mikeweb said...

Also, that bike powered paper mill thingy reminds me of the "one lunger" engine displays at the local country fair, where they're hooked up to water pumps, threshers, etc. (rural folk will of what I speak).

The advantages of the bicycle power source are of course no greenhouse gases, and a lot less noise. Unless the pedaler just ate an "epic" burrito. Then there might be some noise.

g said...

It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

Joe Dirt said...

"Daaaanggggggg I don't why everyone keeps askin' me about Buffalo Bill, nothing happenend with that guy mannnn."

S. Freud said...

@ anon 3:04,

The subconscious mind is a trip.

Anonymous said...

pulleth on the stretchy outfit
fasten the shoes, click in it

Daresay I ride for for pleasure
generating electricity, my treasure

Create bicycle machines for usage
Grind Maize, pump water or sewage

Perhaps, though, create a costume
ride around, like an animal festoon

Wait, a planter on the machine
makes my heart with sunshine glean

purpose, use are arguments moot
mother always said I was cute

Anonymous said...

The douche that made the video in the car is Emcee Pluto. Apparently he's a rapper. Troll away.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Emcee-Pluto/158330134238955?sk=wall

Jimbo said...

"Through our work audiences are taken to a fantasy world of 80’ rattlesnakes and 17’ butterflies, where anything is possible with only the power of your own two feet and a lot of imagination."

Holy Shit

Anonymous said...

Re Recumbent motorcycle.

http://ecomobile.megard.ch/

Tre cher, mes amis. But way way way cool.

Jasper said...

Anonymous @3:04 How did my life go from listening to 'Holiday in Cambodia' and 'Lets lynch the landlord' to actually being a landlord who has been on holiday in Cambodia? WTF?

Isn't that still better than being stuck in 1979?

Anonymous said...

http://twitter.com/#!/emceepluto

Anonymous said...

Panties!

David said...

Finally, some place to plant my homegrown weed where the cops won't notice. They'll be too busy writing me a ticket and ignoring SUVs that run redlights.

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

@Jasper @Anonymous @3:04

+1

The only thing worse than growing up is not growing up. Might not be exactly what you meant, but true nevertheless.

As for people who post provocative things and take them down when they provoke, I think they truly believe that only a very few really crazy people could possibly disagree with them and are astonished at the number of people they anger.

DonnieDudeDarnit said...

I Have nothing against cyclist. I got too much time on my hands at my work so i picked a subject on something i really didnt know shit about and went to far. Im actually a nice and respected person in real life. Im not insane or have anger issues. Also im from West Virginia thats why i got a hick accent.I never posted my video in any forum like the dude said in this blog. I just made another video like the "Things I Hate" videos where I complain about stuff which is meant to be humor not actual insults toward the stuff I talk about. I only get like 30 to 100 views per video and woke up the next morning with like 2000 views and a bunch of hate comments and death threat messages. Since it came down to that I just said fuck the video and deleted it. I didnt know there were even that many cyclist out there. This video was supposed to be for comedy so dont take it the wrong way even though it doesnt even exist anymore anyway. I apologize

DonnieDudeDarnit said...

I didnt know theres actually people out there running people over on purpose.

Anonymous said...

DonnieDudeDarnit,
Any self respecting West Virginian says West "By God" Virginia. And if you want to speak about things you don't know anything about, go into politics; it seems to be a pre-req....Peace out.

DonnieDooshDipshit said...

y'all hurt my feelings.

Dooth said...

DonnieDD, I knew it was an act (an unpolished one). Showbiz is murder. Take your lumps, and hone your skills. And visit a big city.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what tomorrow's post is going to be about...

Think I'll tune in

McFly said...

I had plants on my bike WAAAY before it was cool(like Jim Halpert and his messenger bag). I had drilled no less than 387 3/16" holes in the frame of my crabon bike and thought "HEY WHAT THE CRAP, IMA FILL THIS BEAST UP WITH PEAT MOSS SOIL AND SEEDS FROM THE WILEY AND ELUSIVE CHIA"! It starts to get a little wispy around 32.6 MPH but there is always a handy snack. BUSH RIDE

The Dude said...

Shut the fuck up Donnie.

FLWR SHWR said...

Do not put anything in my flower cyst.

It was Walter who actually said said...

"Shut the fuck up, Donnie..."

YosemiteSamaritan said...

Darn you DonnieDudeDarnit !!
I can't believe such a rassa-frassin’, no-account, bush-whackin’, fur-bearin’, tush-spankin’, racka-frackin’ carrot-chewin’, freaky parrot-screwin’, rack of funky garrote-spewin’ galoot like yourself actually apologized.
Oooooooh I hate apologies....

Anonymous said...

autobus?

said said said said...

anon 6:30, google has a sweet feature that will put said in for you....

McFly said...

There is something profoundly ironic about spelling TEHCNOLOGY wrong.

Anonymous said...

Donnie doth spake,
Please don't hate me. I'm just a typical man/child; confusing attention with love and looking for it on the Youtube. But when I got the love I was seeking it was not the love I had been expecting. And that scared me.
I am not a bully. Really. I just like to play one on the Youtube. My sister says it's because dad never loved me and all the kids at school made fun of me because I wanted their friendship too much and that made them push me away.
I been making Youtube videos because I still want their friendship.
But I don't think it's been working.
Will you guys be my friends? Please?

Hey Donnie said...

Wait, was that really DonnieDarnDon't? Apologies are rare these days and that sounded real.

But just in case it's really him I'd accept his apology.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Donny,
That was fucked up.
I apologize.

Words have power and we need to be careful with them. Who would a thunk, huh?

He said She said...

said said said 6:47 : no, that was supposed to be there.

DonnieDudeDarnit said...

I wasnt the one with the gay ass pussy apology 4 comments up. but yeah this is me for real. the real one isb like 8 or 9 comments up.

Anonymous said...

Hey Donny,
Talk about Gay ass pussy?

Every time you said "bike rider" in your "funny" video I heard "Nword" and "Fag".

Eat me, little hick man. You suck. Apology NOT accepted.

McFly said...

Hey Donnie,
Maybe you could start riding a bicycle yourself and then in turn your self-loathing will be justified because you will despise the very thing you are....which is the crux of self-loathing. BONUSSSSSSSSSSSSS: Plus you won't be so fat.

McFly said...

Have I mentioned sex this evening? If not, sex.

DerZoots said...

Wow,

DonnieDudeDarrint apology?
I don't know man. I think you should be apologizing to the Mexicans, then the Mexicans on bikes and then the rest of us on bikes.

You have some heavy issues to work out there buddy. I know it's tough with the gangbangerz and all but keep your head up and a watchful eye on the gate.

It will all turn out mediocre in the end.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

This is my comment for today.

Walter S. said...

You're out of your element, Donnie.

BikeTode said...

This author has been deleted by the comment...






...we've got a bigger problem now.

Anonymous said...

Donnie: Thanks for the apology, boss.

Anonymous said...

I got nothing.

Anonymous said...

...even less now.

bikesgonewild said...

...to the real donnie baby...

...you gotta dig it, bro...people die, read that again, donnie, DIE, because of the ignorance of others who honestly think 'buzzing' cyclist's is funny or will 'teach us a lesson'...a lesson based on their own prejudice, not anything real...

...add to that, drunk or inattentive drivers on cellular devices, talking, texting, doing anything BUT simply handling the dangerous task of driving...

...now consider how vulnerable cyclists are in the best of circumstances & then factor in the variables i've mentioned & you can maybe understand the vitriol directed your way...

...too many of our numbers die regularly, donnie & we don't consider it a joke...

...just sayin'...

leroy said...

My dog has a kickstarter page for a recumbent chaise lounge.

It gets pretty good speed downhill.

DonnieDudeDarnit -- your "yes it's really me comment" reminded me of Anthony Weiner's "yes it's really me comment.". He was a dick on the internet too.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Guy Fieri said...

Come for the blog...stay for the comments.

McFly said...

Leroy,
Your dog is the bomb in my mind's eye. We had to give our little dude away due to hunny bunny's allergies. It was a tough call but she finally got the nod. She was on egg shells for two weeks awaiting my decision.

Anonymous said...

So what DDD does is go online and make snide comments about things, which he doesn't really mean, for the purposes of comedy? Who the hell would want to read something like that?

DonnieDude said...

What do "snide" mean?

bikesgonewild said...

...1st place...top of the podi......um, oh, really ???...still the same old post from yesterday, huh ???...

...well now, i just wasted my 'white lunch bag', didn't i ???...

Billy said...

Thanks for the apology, Donnie. Better than an apology would be a pledge to think about what you're saying before you freestyle on YouTube like Em Cee Pluto.

Threatening to kill people, or encouraging others to do so, especially for something as simple as riding a bike, is just not cool. Or funny. If you stick around and read the blog for a bit, you might get some tips on some funny threats to make in your future videos. Like us having a bicycle drum circle in your living room.

At least you had the guts to come on here and face the commenters, unlike Mr. Private Video and Protected Twitter Account.

Billy said...

Ahem, one more...

Billy said...

1st! Podium!

You almost had it, bgw, but you were too soon.

Cheese Me and Please Me said...

Flower cysts for toothpicks, and cheese cubes upon a rack with a secured cheeseboard.

don the cyclist said...

dousch put a honda engine in his "all american"motorsikle

don the cyclist said...

dousch put a honda engine in his "all american"motorsikle

Anonymous said...

I use the little hole in my headset on my BMX bike as a flower vase (and yes, I mentally pronounced it 'vahse') when the lilacs are in bloom.

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Anonymous said...

What may not define Dutch cycling but is clearly obvious is the absence of spandex, bike helmets and drop bars (and straight bars for that matter). In other words, no "Freds" or other speedsters. As such, a relative calm and order appears to prevail. How nice.

Urban Gardens said...

Laughing my smug little head off. You are my new daily read,

Nationwide Auto Loan said...

Joking my smug little go off. You are my new day-to-day study,

OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

http://www.xtraorbit.com/1366.html

Bike Locks said...

Speaking of handicrafts, a reader has informed me that you can now purchase little planters for your bike.

Robert said...

"ring your plants on an adventure "
-________________-

hemcoined said...

This video was supposed to be for comedy so dont take it the wrong way even though it doesnt even exist anymore anyway.
Gangway

Anonymous said...


............Nice..^_^v................

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