BSNYC Friday Bicycle Licensing Exam!

Last whenever it was, I mentioned I'd be appearing at the Philly Bike Expo, which takes place on October 29th and 30th in (appropriately enough) Philadelphia:


Naturally, I realize the appropriate reaction to such an announcement is a resounding "meh" since I'm about as interesting as an expired Performance discount code, and I figured I'd better provide some additional incentive beyond just the opportunity to insult me in person. So I reached out to some of the finest cycling-related companies in the world and asked if they'd be willing to provide me with prizes to give away at the talk.

They told me to go fuck myself.

Realizing I'd better lower my sights a bit, I then went to some companies sufficiently lacking in dignity that they're not embarrassed to be associated with me, and they agreed. I'd hate to spoil the surprise, but let's just say if you choose to come to my little presentation thingy you could walk away with fabulous prizes such as:

--Top-notch blinky lights!

--Designer unguents from the company that owns the copyright on the word "epic!"

--Beans from which hot caffeinated beverages can be made!

All in all, I'd say it beats taking a "hot karl" to the face.

Speaking of "hot karls," recently I received the following disturbing email from a reader:

Subject: Hot Karl procedural question
To: bikesnobnyc@yahootheworldscrappiestemailcompany.com
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2011, 12:50 PM

Dear Mr. Snob,
I believe I have just witnessed a "Hot Karl", but there were some discrepancies between the definition of a "Hot Karl" and what transpired.

The scene:
I'm riding my bike to work the morning of October 13th 2011. A lady is walking her dog along the same street that I am riding. The dog is barking and the lady is trying to get the dog to be quiet.
Repeated attempts of verbal demands ("Quit-it!", "Shut up!", etc.) go un-noticed by the dog.
Clearly fed up with her pet's lack of obedience, she takes the baggie of her pet's poop she's carrying and smacks the dog square in the face with it.

I am wondering if this constitutes a Hot Karl since the poop was in a baggie and not a sock.

Please help me solve this mystery.

muchas gracias,
Adam

I'm not sure if there's a "hot karling" equivalent of the UCI that requires a "hot karl" to be administered in an actual sock, but either way this woman's behavior is contemptible, and at the very least she should be the recipient of the rare and disgusting "free karl," which is of course the administration of feces directly to the face without the aid of a sock or similar sanitary delivery vessel. Perhaps Adam can liaise with his local PETA chapter to help make this scenario a reality.

Speaking of contemptible, on Wednesday I mentioned that whole GM "bikes are for losers" mishigas, and as you've probably heard, not only have they pulled the advertisement, but giant bicycle manufacturer Giant countered with an ad of their own:

Very clever. Still, I don't like where this is going, because inevitably this is just going to lead to a great big public my-vehicle-is-better-than-your-vehicle advertising slapfight, and that's a fight nobody wins. In fact, other modes of transport are already weighing in:

It's only a matter of time before we start hearing from the Rollerbladers, and I only hope it all ends before the Segway people start getting in on the act.

Lastly, on a more positive note, as of today the guy who wants to move to Portland and got mad at me when I mentioned his Kickstarter now has a total four (4) backers:

That's four (4) more than he had before I mentioned it. I don't mean to be smug or anything, but if he's going to move to Portand he'd better get used to the smugness. I hear they even brew it into the Stumptown there.

Now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the question, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll jump around joyously, and if you're wrong you'll receive a "hot karl" hear the sound of Fredness.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your lateral stiffness be on par with your vertical compliance.

--Wildcat Schmuck Machine

1) "Fred-vision" glasses were born when the inventor:

--Tripped because he was staring at his Garmin while running
--Watched the "Fuck you, asshole" scene from the first "Terminator" movie

--Stumbled upon a moldy Petri dish as an apple fell onto his head
--Had a dream in which thousands of cyclists on crabon bikes were riding with their heads up their asses and farting money

2) This is a:

--"Recumbent"
--"Recumbant"
--"Recumbunt"

--"Recambit"

3) NPR has actually conducted a lengthy and revealing interview with the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork Bret, also known as "The Face of Cycling:"

--True
--False

4) Experts attribute the recent rise in auto sales in part to the popularity of car-branded bicycles:

--True
--False

5) Which is not a line from the above new "fixie"-themed video?

--"It's a real connection between you and the bike?"

--"When you're swerving through traffic, it turns into, uh, like a flow."

--"You're so connected to the bike? As soon as the bike's rolling your legs have to be moving with it, there's no coast."

--"It's like a time machine that takes you straight back to 2007 when this was still cool."

6) This man needs $5,000 in order to:

--Perform one-man Shakespeare plays on a bike

--Start a company that makes vegan leather handlebar bags

--Perfect his disconcerting stare
--Ride a fixed-gear bicycle from one end of Long Island to the other

7) This woman is:

--Contemplating a used Trek

--Attempting to shift a bicycle with her mind
--Making the universal sign for "lozenge"

--Mentally undressing a Hasidic Jewish man

***Special Gratuitous Cuteness-Themed Bonus Question***

Omigod, like, how cute?!?

--So cute!
--Totally cute!
--Not cute at all if the monkey is actually trying to strangle the puppy
--All of the above