BSNYC Friday Fun Conspiracy!

In yesterday's post, I made repeated mention of douches, and a good indication that douchery is afoot (or "a-douche") is when an event listing begins with the phrase "An evening with..." (Unless the event is a date with a prostitute, in which case the phrase is euphemistic and not douchey.) Furthermore, when that event takes place at the Rapha Cycle Club in New York City, you can bet that the event will be positively douche-tastic. This is why it gives me "douche chills" to announce that I'll be there on Thursday, August 12th:

As I've mentioned before, my book (by which I mean "Bike Snob," and not my previous book, "Hoff the Hook: The Life and Times of David Hasselhoff") has been out of stock for some time. This is because I personally bought all the copies to create a false illusion of scarcity, at considerable expense to me. However, new copies are arriving any moment now, and you'll be able to get one at the Rapha Cycle Club BRA (or Book-Related Appearance)--with the added bonus that you can call me a "douche" to my face as you purchase it.

You may also note that the event is billed as "An Exploration of Epic," though the truth is I have no idea what I will talk about yet. I could explore "epic," or I could simply rattle off a list of stuff I keep in my medicine cabinet, or I may just discuss foods I don't like. (I may even slur my words unintelligibly due to the stuff I keep in my medicine cabinet.) All I can say for sure at this point is that I will not read from my book, and that I will bring at least a few of these to give away:

I will also give away some of these promotional patch kits, because you always want people to think of you when they're in a highly inconvenient situation and cursing to themselves:

That's just good business.

I will not, however, be bringing one of these, but only because I don't have one:

However, if you have one, please bring it. There's a free deluxe patch kit in it if you do. (I'll also throw in a t-shirt if you bring it on a Big Dummy.)

By the way, if you're annoyed that I'll be appearing at a place that sells overpriced cycling clothing, keep in mind you don't have to buy a pair of expensive pants (or anything at all) in order to come to my BRA, or to watch the movies they show there, or to watch the Vuelta, which they're also showing. You don't even have to buy my book. In fact, you could probably walk in off the street, use the bathroom, and walk out again without anybody being the wiser. Letting other people's money fund your entertainment or intestinal relief is the kind of marketing that works for everybody.

However, I will admit I almost cancelled the BRA when a reader informed me that Rapha will be making a soap that features "a fragrance inspired by the herbs and plants growing on the slopes of Mont Ventoux:"

It was only a matter of time before "roadies" entered the world of artisanal soaps, and I suspect it won't be long before someone markets a bar of soap with a scent inspired by the smell of Jaques Anquetil's "pants yabbies." It could be called "All You Roadies Sniff My Chamois."

Until that happens, I'm pleased to present you with a delightfully-scented quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer using your mouse, touch pad, or telepathic powers. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see the current state of affairs and why American culture is slipping faster than Carlos Sastre in the GC.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and wash thoroughly.

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) In last week's Tour of the Catskills, the field was disrupted during a high-speed descent by:

--A horse
--A dog
--A state trooper
--An enraged hillbilly with a blunderbuss, fiercely protective of his still

(Rae Dawn Chong gives Kevin Costner a quick wheel change and moustache grooming in the 1985 feature film, "American Flyers")

2) The recently-announced Tour of Colorado will be sponsored by:

--Subway

--Quiznos

--Mr. Sub

--Leftover proceeds from the Floyd Fairness Fund

3) Colorado guberantorial candidate Dan Maes claims that cycling could:

--"Threaten our personal freedoms."

--"Undermine the very fabric of our democratic system of government"

--"Empower undesirable minorities such as Jews, women, and Canadians"

--"Lead to a deadly outbreak of flesh-eating crotchal fungus"

4) This is a diagram of:

--SRAM's revolutionary new electronic shifting system

--Campagnolo's revolutionary new electronic shifting system

--Shimano's revolutionary new cable-actuated shifting system

--Apple's "Smart Bicycle System"

5) Urban Fashion Watch: Snare drums are the new messenger bags.

--True
--False

6) The makers of the U-lock-dependent socket wrench are now offering a U-lock-dependent star-fangled nut installer so you can change forks "on-the-fly."

--True

--False

(Evidence that irony existed among primitive humans.)

7) Which country is attempting to "stamp out the illegal sales" of brakeless bicycles?

--Australia

--Austria

--England

--Germany

***Special Cycling Tattoo-Themed Bonus Question***

We know the owner of this tattoo is manly because:

--It depicts a bicycle without a derailleur

--It implies the wearer can administer sufficient power to break a bicycle chain, even if the bicycle does not have pedals

--Tattoos in themselves are manly, and those depicting equipment failure are doubly so

--All of the above