Thursday, July 22, 2010

Dubious Innovations: The "Curation" Is Worse Than the Disease

(Alberto Contador's new corporate logo, via Cycle Jerk.)

Yesterday's post, in which I pointed out that a pair of Garmin-Slipstream team bikes were being auctioned on eBay, has apparently caused quite a bit of controversy on the other side of the "Hotlantic Ocean"--particularly in France, where some sort of big bike race is taking place. Indeed, a reader informs me that team director Jonathan Vaughters was barraged with questions during the rest day in Pau. While I'm not exactly sure what the reporters were asking him, I do have a pretty good idea, for as you can see he looks like a deer in the headlights (albeit a pretentious deer with a private school education and a subscription to "The Nation"):

The New Yorker magazine cover model Eustace Tilley (illustrated), fashion designer Perry Ellis (deceased), and noted ascot enthusiast Thurston Howell, III (fictional) have reportedly already received subpoenas, and in conjunction with the now-infamous email confession of his dry cleaner, their testimonies could finally spell the end of Vaughters's argyle-print reign of terror.

Speaking of fashion choices, with the Aerospoke carbon composite bicycle wheel still the first choice of "tarck" bike riders all over the world, it's easy to forget both their humble beginnings as a heavily-discounted item in the "secret website" catalog, as well as the other types of cyclists who also embrace Aerospoke's not particularly light and not particularly aero technology. One such cyclist is the New York City food delivery person, and here is a perfect example of the sort of bicycle on which your overpriced Thai food will arrive should you "order in" in Manhattan:

In Brooklyn the "hipsters" have begun to take over the food delivery industry, and it's simultaneously frustrating and amusing to see them balancing boxes containing expensive wood fired pizzas on the bullhorn handlebars of their "fixies" as they salmon their way down major avenues. (I'm sure a New York Times "Spokes" article about the gentrification of restaurant food delivery will now be forthcoming.)

In Manhattan, however, a different type of rider and bicycle remains king. With front and rear disc brakes, suspension, motocross-style "filth prophylactics," and a full complement of gear ratios, these are the antithesis of the bicycles ridden by their liberal arts degree-holding food delivery brethren across the "Big Skanky." The one thing both groups have in common, though, is that despite riding heavily customized bicycles, neither one will add a single component that actually facilitates food "portaging." In the case of the Manhattan delivery people, you might think that at some point during the two-hour process of wrapping the frame in helicopter tape it might also occur to the owner to add a basket, but evidently this is not the case. It will occur to them to race you, however; even if you're not racing at all, and even if they have a 20lb thermal food bag dangling from the handlebars. In any case, the "old school" delivery person in the dirty apron riding a Worksman is becoming an increasingly rare site (which is a shame because they were much easier to beat in a race).

In other cycling "tech" news, on Tuesday I mentioned a "revolutionary" new chainring design (apparently "revolutionary" now means "pointless"), and a reader has subsequently informed me that it is in fact so revolutionary that it's already been done (albeit on the rear):

Apparently, the revolution will be both pointless and redundant.

For the ultimate in pointlessness, though, you really have to install a CVT on a CSSB, or "Central Storage System for Bicycles," brought to you by "Tato" and forwarded to me by a number of readers:
The Tato is specifically designed to carry objects that are narrow and oblong, and now you can finally have that dedicated laptop, board game box, or coffee table book porteur bike you've always dreamed of owning. And if that wasn't smart enough, they've also designed it into a 26-inch mountain bike platform, which is great if you need to get that game of Parcheesi through a heavily wooded area in a big hurry. I particularly enjoyed the assertion that "rear and front carriers make your bike difficult to ride and park," and that there's "no need to use accessories to secure items" on this bike--as if being able to hang a bag on your bike and then carry that bag around with you were a problem instead of the huge convenience that it actually is.

Of course, the "making something that really isn't a problem seem like one" approach is a classic component of any sales pitch. In particular, it's used to stunning effect in infomercials, which always contain that short clip of a very frustrated person struggling to do something commonplace. Take for example this infomercial for "Wonder Hangers," in which, at :37 seconds, we see a woman vainly fighting with her non-Wonder Hangers:

Note that the video goes from color to black and white to underscore the primitive nature of the technology she's using, and notice how she grits her teeth and becomes enraged as she tries to access her favorite shirt.

You can also see it in the infomercial for the "Emery Cat." At about :06 seconds, an innocent woman is practically mauled by her beloved house pet:

If only she had purchased the "Emery Cat," today she might still have both her eyes.

One day I will string all of these "making something that really isn't a problem seem like one" infomercial moments together into an "epic" Citizen Kane of Futility (alas, it seems it's already been done), but in the meantime I will ponder how difficult cycling is without a front-wheel drive power assist, via another reader:


I know what you're thinking: "That's hideous." However, you're sure to change your mind when you see it with the fairing:

(Wind-cheating schnoz provides maximum efficiency.)

If that bicycle had a "CSSB" instead of a rear rack it would be almost perfect.

Given the proliferation of power-assisted bicycles, it's worth pondering at what point one is simply better off just purchasing a motorcycle or scooter. This is not an easy question to answer, but when one needs to carry both a road bike and a unicycle with aerobars (as "tweeted" by "Sup Cat") one has clearly reached that point long ago:

I wonder of both the unicycle and the bicycle belong to the motorcycle owner, or if one belongs to a passenger and together they're about to embark on a Fellini-esque "epic."

Meanwhile, the proprietor of the "Slice Harvester" blog has spotted what may very well be the ultimate in STI lever cockpit "curation:"

My best guess is that the rider simply grips the brake levers and shifts with a flick of the wrists. I would love to see this in action, and it must be like watching somebody in a motel shower trying to get the water temperature just right. Really, the only thing that would make this cockpit more fascinating would be some additional hand positions, which could be achieved with an additional set of handlebars and the judicious application of duct tape, as seen on the Problem Solvers blog:

This must be how Minneapolis beat Portland.

75 comments:

Anonymous Coward said...

Podium?

black dickerson said...

black dickerson

Anonymous said...

That is so cool!! I have never been first on the podium. Basking! Where are the girls?

Anonymous said...

Dirk Hofman Motor Homes !

Anonymous said...

14th!

Anonymous said...

Top 10!

Shu-Sin said...

dang ding... done did top 10!!!

Nogocyclist said...

Within the top 100.

Unknown said...

poser

hillbilly said...

"Once such cyclist"? I don't see the problem with teams selling off their bikes, I mean, it seems like it's between them and their sponsors.

Desert Rider said...

Top 20, stepped out for coffee

yikesbikes said...

This is great...

Anonymous said...

Top 20.

Anonymous said...

Toby Henderson likes the delivery bikes

Anonymous said...

Best thing about the front-wheel drive power assist is that they left the regular brakes on the fork, as if to acknowledge that that insane contraption's coming off the bike as soon as the photo shoot is over.

Isolation Helmet said...

I was just trying to figure out that Marin with the power assist and now I have a headache. What the hell is half of that stuff? We need an interview with the owner.

porntern said...

infomercial idiots. Like most ideas youtube has done it already.

Anonymous said...

Over the weeken I passed a road bike that was fully-faired....weird.

Anonymous said...

Being Anonymous and first on the podium is onanistic.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Porntern,

So it has! I should have known.

That's a relief...

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Snob,

That was me in the hideous yellow CRCA kit giving you the awkward "thumbs up" salute as I shouted "love your blog" at the 15th Street entrance to PP last night.

For all my efforts to maintain a NYC-appropriate level of aloofness upon seeing someone with a modicum of fame, I failed. My bad. Next time, I'll keep my dignity - (actually, that's pretty unlikely, as I'll probably still be wearing that damn kit).

Matt Boulanger said...

I'm guessing the uni might be Steve's- there's a picture of him cooking in the Black Fly Challenge this June- I passed him going up a hill at 15mph with his gearded uni. Go here and wait for the second photo to show up in the slides:

http://blackflychallenge.wordpress.com/2010/07/12/black-fly-2010-photos/

Anonymous said...

I've been finger-banged!

Anonymous said...

Fingerbanged! You need to file a report with the authorities in your state or province.

Through my tears I said...

Cycle Jerk link is broken.

I am the re-designed engine said...

George Santayana: "Those
who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."......at least repeat the same designs that worked dubiously in the past.

Do design schools not teach their students about the inter-web?

Overpriced yummy pizza said...

The Pizza Bikes around here are giant insulated heavy wood boxes on cheap racks mounted to cheap or mid-grade MTBs.

No lights at night, lots of shitty riding delivery people.
OSHA needs to visit them and lay down some fines.

Some aluminum angle stock and insulated panels could cut the weight and would not cost much.

Front and rear platform racks with removable pizza bags would be easier to operate.

I hate the shipping-crate-on-a-bike approach but it's been been tenured by incorporating it into the logo.

Spencer the Ironic Intern said...

Where am I? What have you done with me?

I have an important Cachet update for your readers! I must be heard!

Overpriced yummy pizza said...

Uh, that's one of the better scratch-built racks. Sorry.

I do like watching the racks flex and the boxes wobble.

Anonymous said...

Stolen from elsewhere:

1) Those who don’t learn from history are condemned to write web pages about it.

2) Those who cannot come up with quotes of their own are condemned to repeat them.

3) Those who do not remember the past are doomed to misquote it.

Backwoods Bob said...

Thought you might enjoy this:

http://www.thebicyclemuse.com/index.htm

Bob

CommieCanuck said...

In Canada, Versus is showing those annoying, "Dollars for Gold" ads, in which people are burdened with drawers full of broken and unused gold. Images depict a pirate booty of Gino Vanelli man chains thrown into the drawer since the advent of the 1990s. Now all to be recycled in the green '00s, for more useful purposes.

leroy said...

History, like chili, repeats.

bikesgonewild said...

...if you look off to the right of the podium, over by the garbage cans, i'm the guy w/ the tin cup, the tweed hat & the ratted out 'sidis' selling "artisanally sharpened" pencils...

...please, please...buy a god damn pencil...set your own price, i don't care...i'm just tryin' ta halt my losses & recoup my investment...

...the bike ???...oh, ya, that...well i don't particularly like argyle & especially in orange & baby blue but some nattily dressed pretentious sharpie said he needed to unload it so i traded him a handful a' sharp pencils...

...told him anytime he was in town i'd give him a free 'artisanal' sharpening...

...s'cuse me, pal...i gotta get back to work...

......pencils, pencils...get 'em while they're hot...artisonally sharpened pencils !!!...

CommieCanuck said...

"Those who cannot come up with quotes of their own are condemned to repeat them."

Retarded Comment Generator said...

I'm sorry, we don't carry Dapper Dan. We got Fop.

CommieCanuck said...

"Being Anonymous and first on the podium is onanistic."

onanistic

Sounds like he had an onagasm.

Salty and Sore said...

Anon 12:43-

The girls arrive when we're damn good and ready. After all, the speed of your page refresh tells me very little--these days--about the size of your...




...bank account.

Congrats for being so...um... fast.

Any questions?

Salty and Sore said...

BGW-

Our long-lost kid-brother, Spence, says he has something to say. Maybe, he would be a good buyer for your pencils!

Spencer! Remember to write! We miss you.

Salty and Sore said...

@CC and BL-

Thank you, gentlemen!

I finally understand a small town south of here (along the Seattle-to-Portland bike route, no less) a little better:

Onalaska, Washington

It says, 'The name for the community comes from the poem, "The Pleasures of Hope" by Scottish poet Thomas Campbell.'

Right. Got it.

bikesgonewild said...

...salty & sore...

...wow, i didn't make the connection...so you're a spencer pal too, huh ???...

...i just left a comment at his site recently on one of his understandably infrequent posts...figured he needed just to live his life, rather than talk about it after what he'd had to deal with...

leroy said...

ONAN YMUS

Seems kind of fitting for a hand inscription.

Is it just me or did Contador's brushing of Schleck's cheek after today's stage seem kind of creepy?

CommieCanuck said...

"he puts the lotion on to keep the skin supple"

g said...

Leroy,
Would you put it on the palm side? I mean, so YOU could read it better...

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...

...as was how quickly that big smile faded from his face when he turned away from schleck...

...creepy for sure...

bikesgonewild said...

...i was watching today's stage & thinking to myself, "guess i'm tired from watching this race...some a' these peloton guys who just ride along following others are actually starting to look like sheep to me"...

...whew...

Anonymous said...

just me... or did contador look like big bird in that ridiculous yellow-everything? that or flava flav.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear me, not only do we have to see the finger-banging exploits of the Schleck-wheel-sucker, you now have the option for alberto's finger to meet your taintular area

http://www.probikekit.com/display.php?code=S0170

eric said...

I like how that the builder of that ridiculous power assisted bike felt no need to remove the useless front v brake from the fork. or that this frankenstein contraption needs an over complicated front suspension system. but i suppose that if you hit a bump with out suspension, the whole thing would fall apart.

David, fer chrissakes make some cartoons said...

David Rees' pencil-sharpening technique is unsomethingable.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Le Tour de BFF

Anonymous said...

The front brake on the electric bike gets attached to a mechanical linkage which connects with a brake on the small wheel.

You have to watch the video. "Rural Roads with Roger." You take off the front wheel, and put it on a special carrier on the back of the bicycle. Then you attach the electric front end. Then you power-ride to the start of the bike path, take off the electric front end, and reattach the front bicycle wheel...and go for an orthodox bicycle ride ( meaning a non-powered bike, nothing religious intended). The electric front end presumably gets left behind somewhere in the weeds. It weighs 40 lbs.

If you watch the video, you will see that I am making none of this up.

At least it didn't cost as much to develop as that stupid segway thing.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Andy Schleck should have a word with the UCI and tell them to start using NASCAR pace cars and yellow flags whenever there's an incident. Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

Anon 6:47,

It's worse than that, it is the Contador thumbs of the mirrored logos that are located in between the sit bones contact area. That web address should be www.probekit.com

ce

livingjetlag said...

I don't care about the electric assist, but I'm mesmerized by the bike schnoz. I think it would be an excellent accompaniment to my Cone of Smugness, with minimal alteration.

Anonymous said...

男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚
外遇情人面前,他可以享受著年輕戀愛般的美好
在回歸家庭時刻,他可以享受著老婆對他無微不至的照顧
在同事朋友面前,他可以享受著眾人對他的忌妒與羨慕
男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚,他只想自私的擁有一切

Anonymous said...

By the way, I love how the CSSB frame uses a sloping top tube(s) but then you've got the sharp corner of the case protruding above it anyway. Designers are the kids that got too much praise for their shitty finger paintings all grown up. That's a warning for Snob Sr.

Now that I think about it, Contador's logo could also be described as a shitty finger painting - with varying degrees of crudeness depending on where you put the emphasis.

ce

Anonymous said...

男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚
外遇情人面前,他可以享受著年輕戀愛般的美好
在回歸家庭時刻,他可以享受著老婆對他無微不至的照顧
在同事朋友面前,他可以享受著眾人對他的忌妒與羨慕
男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚,他只想自私的擁有一切

Anonymous said...

男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚
外遇情人面前,他可以享受著年輕戀愛般的美好
在回歸家庭時刻,他可以享受著老婆對他無微不至的照顧
在同事朋友面前,他可以享受著眾人對他的忌妒與羨慕
男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚,他只想自私的擁有一切

Salty and Sore said...

Look at that!

The Tawainese bike engineers are up in arms over today's post.

Anonymous said...

BIKE SHNOZ

GROUCHO MERCKX

bikesgonewild said...

..."...Tawainese bike engineers..." ???...

...i clicked on one of those sites & accidently ordered $500 worth of steaming hot authentic chinese food...

...they said it would be delivered in 7 to 10 days...

USA holidays said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

lethoso said...

ahoy, I noticed your mention of "novel" gear systems today & the other day.

They really aren't novel at all.

leroy said...

I say thank God for that Central Storage bike thingy. Parking a bike with a front or rear carrier is way too difficult.

Oh sure, BSNYC has the skilz to parallel park a Surly Big Dummy, but every time I put one in reverse and make the "beep-beep-beep" truck backing up noise with my mouth, people just look at me funny.

TBG said...

Re the boilerplate for infomercials, see this hilarious spoof from SNL--http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/jar-glove/656341/

I am the confused engine. said...

I clicked on the chinese comments, I think I bought a carbon fibre kestrel frame, or a chinese wife. They asked what size I wanted but it was metric. They promised 7 to 10 day delivery, I guess I will have to wait to find out which.

CommieCanuck said...

I clicked on the comments and bought $450 worth of ground Tiger penis, to enhance my p3nis or pen15. Now enhanced with extra melamine and lead.

Anonymous said...

bgw @ 3:53--Guess it has nothing to do w/they had just finished climbing the Tourmalet @ 19 mph. They both looked wiped out.

And no worries--they both said they're still besties.

I can't wait to watch tonight cuz Specialized sent me an e-mail that AC is riding the 'names' bike today. Yay!

Anonymous said...

80th!

Anonymous said...

nice hoop on wonder hanger girl

Anonymous said...

I guess the snob quit his blog

Anonymous said...

last

Unknown said...

X movies watch free porn indian porn movies. and you sex tv porn movie watch now ! teen videos for you xoporntube videos.

fixie bikes said...

wow that guy looks smug