BSNYC Flying Funquist!

("Stop him! He's killing track bikes!")

In these uncertain times, many of us find ourselves searching for meaning. For example, I have chosen to worship a Lobster God (beware of false prophets), to whom I pray for guidance, protection, and discounts. However, sometimes I also need a more worldly cause behind which to rally so I can delude myself into thinking that I'm changing society for the better. Unfortunately, though, this can be hard. I once tried veganism, but after accidentally ingesting a fly during a ride I had to scrap the whole enterprise. My brief stint in the animal rights movement was also a disaster--all I'll say is, as much as I believe in equality of the species, opening a joint checking account with your cat will set you on the road to financial ruin. Finally, though, I think I've discovered the cause for me. I'm going to join the legions of people now fighting to "Save The Track Bike!"

Here's the movement's philosophy:

Who doesn't love buttons? And who doesn't like making a statement? This isn't political. I'm not here to tell you what kind of bike to ride. Because really...I don't care as long as you're on a bike. This is just a little reminder of where everyone came from. A much simpler time, one more about community. A time when people relied on each other for information rather than some blog or forum. A time when you didn't have a choice...you rode a Track Bike because that is all there was. There was no CMX, most had never even heard of Cyclocross, Road Bikes had gears and Mountain Bikes where just a no no. Don't sell your Track Bike for a Road Bike. Don't forget about your Track Bike because your CMX is more fun. Don't forget that before Cyclocross was ever cool Track Bikes introduced you and many others to this wonderful thing called cycling. The Track Bike will forever be in my heart. It has been a huge part of my life, the person I am and the people I have grown to love. So now it is time for me to give back to the Track Bike. I am doing this by trying my hardest to never let anyone forget what an amazing machine the Track Bike is and forever will be.

I know what you're thinking: "Why does the track bike need saving? It's perfectly safe due to the continued existence of track racing and the equipment rules clearly set forth by the UCI." Well, that's not really what this movement is about. "Save The Track Bike" is actually about making sure people remember that the "OGs" of the fixed-gear scene (meaning the people who have been riding track bikes since waaay back in 2005) are still cool.

I know what else you're thinking: "Aren't the people now trying to save track bikes the ones who ruined them in the first place by putting Hed 3s on their keirin bikes after watching MASH?" Absolutely not. In the fixed-gear universe, these are the very people who invented track bikes. See, track bikes were invented in or around 2005, and the scene reached its apex in early 2009, at which point it was promptly closed. It's vitally important that the new generation of fixed-gear freestylers regards them as the pioneers they are instead of dismissing them as the creepy old guys at the party which is what they look like now.

But the most important part of becoming a "Save The Track Bike!" activist is projection. Of course nobody had heard of cyclocross a few years ago. And who would have thought to ride something as uncool as a mountain bike? Those are the things in Costco! Also, these strange forms of cycling are the dingoes that might take your baby away: "Don't forget that before Cyclocross was ever cool Track Bikes introduced you and many others to this wonderful thing called cycling." You might have thought that cyclocross video was funny, but to "Save The Track Bike!" activists it was deadly serious. Just imagine the horror an "OG" fixed-gear rider would feel when "hitting up" his friends for a ride and finding out they've all gone to a cyclocross race without him.

Indeed, there was a time when it might take decades for someone to transform from a new cyclist to a Rivendell-riding fuddy-duddy, but now the process only takes about five years. So please, help "Save The Track Bike!," and do your part to make sure the trendy are not killed off by the very trendy.

With that out of the way, I'm now pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's wonderful and I'm very happy for you, and if you're wrong you'll see Shobhit Mathur Cycling Fervor.

Thanks for reading, ride safe, and remember: When you sell your track bike, Lob kills a "hipster."

--BSNYC/RTMS

1) The world of bike dorkdom was recently rocked by:

--"ANTgate"
--"ANTron"
--"Richard Sachsgate"
--Bike-themed "hipster"-hop act Geekhouse of Pain

2) A proposed bike safety legislation package in Idaho will include:

--A ban on group rides of over 15 riders

--A ban on tires narrower than 23mm
--A ban on bicycles without brakes
--A controversial "three potatoes per mile" clause

3) According to "GQ," what is one of the "most salient" reasons "riding a bike is better than travel by foot or automobile"?

--"Thanks to today's carbon nanotechnology, bikes are sexier than ever."
--"With the right bike, you just look cool."

--"Thanks to the cult of fixie-cool, cycling can add a whole new dimension to your wardrobe."
--"Walking is stupid."

4) This bike is a:

--"Schlep-Tastic Cargo Hauler"

--"Lean, Green Sex Machine"

--"Noble Danish Workhorse"
--"Stately Dutch MILF Magnet"

(If you have to ask...)

5) Obsessing over tubular tire care and maintenance and writing letters to Lennard Zinn is a sign that:

--You worry too much
--You should probably just use clinchers
--You may be in the later stages of syphilis
--All of the above

6) Which NAHBS trend might inspire "fixie" riders to embrace bikes with multiple gears?

--Knit shifter cozies

--Internally-geared fixed hubs

--Road bikes with coaster brakes

--Freestyle cyclocross bikes

7) "Hipster" homemaking tip: Liven up your kitchen with some __________:

--Cooking utensils make from bicycle components

--Fixed-gear appliances

--Bike-themed knuckle tattoo framed embroidery

--Retro cycling jersey-themed aprons

***Special Compromising Position-Themed Bonus Question***

What's this guy doing?

--He's "foffing off" while doing a trackstand

--He's being whipped by serial retrogrouch and uber-curmudgeon Jobst Brandt while wearing lederhosen
--He's being violated by a bicycle while another man in a Santa Suit looks on with bemusement

--He's attempting to ride a bicycle without a seat