Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Worst of Craigslist: Full-Blown Pornographic Bike Love

There's little question we are living in trying times. Cellphones are popping popcorn. (Though nobody's sure if it's the microwaves or the cheesy ringtones.) Tom Boonen is on cocaine. (As if the EuroHawk didn't give it away.) And a certain person who's really strong but never wins races is actually winning races. (Click here for the spoiler.) So amid all this strife, where can the troubled cyclist turn? Why, Craigslist of course, where love and romance spring eternal. Here's the latest spewage from that septic geyser:


G
lad you wear a helmet, but you should really get blinky lights! - m4w - 27 (Kent under the bklyn bridge) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/711965266.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-08, 3:28AM EDT

Hey you!

I was biking around 3am on this Saturday night, going home all buzzed and happy from dancing, standing up on the pedals to catch that breeze and keep cool, when I saw you ahead of me.

I thought to myself, "man it totally sucks that I would be a total creep to talk to this girl while we're riding!" Thus decided, I passed you without comment. (Though I was thinking "HI! I'm drunk. I love biking drunk. La la la" and "Man, I'm glad that girl is wearing a helmet, but she needs some lights! Safety first.") But yes, I forced myself to not be weird and talk to you.

Until you greeted me with a simple "sup!"

I looked back and there you were, black dress, basket, happily biking along. :) I managed to say "hey!!!!" and then biked away, afraid to appear weird by starting a conversation.

But here I am, home, and I can't get you out of my head. Even if you never write back, go you for actually being friendly! But if you do see this... do you want to go fly kites in the park and bike to the beach?

Bye~


Hey you! You know, I'm not one of these people who whines about the gentrification of New York City, and I suspect that many of those who do complain about it weren't around to experience the theft, violence, and urine first-hand. (Well, the urine's still around, so you can sample that all you want.) That said, there is a price to pay for a better quality of life, and that price comes in the form of giddy, puckish, whimsical, kite-flying dandies like you. Tragically, now that the sharp corners have been padded and the electrical outlets have been child-proofed, Brooklyn has become a giant romper room for latent adolescents who are free to traipse about at all hours unmolested. So I find myself conflicted. I don't want another crime wave, yet I do want one to come crashing down on you like a tsunami on a big wave surfer. Really, there are places where you're actually supposed to act like a 17 year old when you're 27, and those places are all in California. So please, go there, take your parents' financial assistance with you, and let the rents come back down for the grown-ups who have to work for a living.

guy on light blue bike - w4m - 20 (potions cafe) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/711613207.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-07, 6:56PM EDT

i was sitting in the window of potions cafe and snuck many peeks at you as you we're getting on your bike across the street. you had an extra green frame over your chrome bag. there's nothing to write really. just thought you were handsome.....that's all :)

Since the famous Bust magazine piece, male fixed-gear riders all over Brooklyn are feigning mechanical ineptitude in the hopes that their distress might lead to full-on pornographic scenarios. And logically, if a simple flat-fix can result in coitus between two Dumpsters, then imagine the possibilities inherent in a complete parts swap to a new frame! This is surely why this fellow is carrying an extra. Are the bike shops of today the sex clubs of tomorrow? Is the bike boom the next sexual revolution? Are we close to a day when the streets will be lined with Park Tool repair stands and couples performing overtly erotic repairs? Very possibly. In light of this I urge you to pick your bike porn name immediately.

Unfortunately this particular poster did not get the hint. Hopefully though she did at least enjoy the tea at Potions, which according to their Myspace page is "hand crafted by real people in China, India, and other nations." There are real people in China, India and other nations? Who knew?!?

Asian Yellow Cab Driver - Last Night - w4m - 26 (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/711004033.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-07, 9:44AM EDT

You are bald, round headed, cute baby face, americanized, glasses, white t-shirt, driving a yellow cab around 11pm last night.

We saw each other but then you looked away to let the passengers in.
You drove off taking a quick glance at me before you past.

I was gonna hop in your cab and flirt with you since I was drunk.
I was at 28th st and 10th ave.

I am 5'5 , white girl, blonde hair, pothead, and drink a bit.
I love to rollerblade, bike, jog, movies, and getting high.

Please get back to me as all my dates are jerks and assholes and all they want is to get me drunk then date rape me.

All these guys act so friendly and nice and its disgusting to really get to know them.


Really, who doesn't love to movies and getting high? It's a good thing she specified she's a pothead, because I don't think I would have figured it out otherwise. The end of the post certainly does take a troubling turn, though. It could be that the nascent sexual revolution has already turned ugly. I'm guessing there are too many mixed messages out there. Help a fellow with his bike and next thing you know he's urging you towards some refuse containers. Come on, men, sometimes a flat-fix is just a flat-fix.

Jamie Favaro who won the Great NYC Commuter Race - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/705922274.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-03, 9:03AM EDT

You are cute and fast, will you go out with me? We can talk about the NYC Complete Streets Plan and you can help me learn how to ride my bike a little better.

It's been said that the winner of the Great NYC Commuter Race gets to write her own ticket, and that's proving to be true once again. Whether Jamie uses that ticket to start a coaching service, or to start dating anonymous internet stalkers, or some combination thereof, remains to be seen. Just be careful, Jamie. There are a lot of creeps out there. (See above.)

riding my bike...the look back - w4m (williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/705229590.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-02, 6:05PM EDT

me: riding my white and pink vintage schwinn fiesta...with my blond red bike buddy
you: at your house. long hair. glam rock with a little hipster in it. just woke up behind a fence?

oh the sundays!

anyways caught you looking bc i couldn't stop...

i rode by
...should have rode back
...hi my name is...


Awww, yeah. Okay, this clinches it. In the 70s we saw an energy crisis, a bike boom, and a porn explosion. In the oughts or whatever we're in now we're seeing an energy crisis, a bike boom, and a porn explosion. Except this one seems to involve Williamsburg and quasi-homeless people. Still, though, I think if you found someone who had accidentally been locked in a freezer in some Brooklyn basement in the 70s and thawed him out today he'd have no idea anything had changed. Even his moustache would still be in style. (Though he wouldn't realize it was ironic now.)

Outside of bike store on Grand and Berry Sunday around noon - m4w (Williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/703876071.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-01, 6:18PM EDT

There you were, backlit and smiling as you walked past my friends and I, the masterful bike technician, inflating my friends bike tires. You caught me staring and presenting uncharacteristic whim when I returned the smile. Maybe you were lost or wanted another pass at my buns of steel, but you came around once more while I was moving on to the back tire. Possibly the longest bike inflation of my life, I wanted to say hello when you were certain of your first direction but unsure how to manage passing for a third time.

You are an earthy, silk skinned brunette, a delightful woman wearing a long cotton dress and inviting burgundy lips. Maybe we can go for an aimless walk together or volunteer our time to a recycling plant, or maybe a drink.

I am 5'10" with short black hair and Jewish\Greek features. Think dionysus mixed with lance armstrong. Everything but the belly schvetting.


It's official: the World's Smarmiest Cyclist is on the move--and on the make--in Brooklyn. Ladies, if you're looking, you can find him clad in the coveted Maillot Douche and feigning sexual acts on friends' bicycles as you pass. Indeed, the bike boom/sexual revolution has found its Ron Jeremy. I picture him wearing a pair of threadbare Nashbar half-shorts and pedaling a Schwinn Varsity conversion. Disgusting.

91 comments:

Anonymous said...

woot!

Anonymous said...

Pink Jersey?

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

If it's not the podium then I don't want it.

Anonymous said...

douche

FBIII said...

Did anyone else see this?
ihatemercedessuvs.blogspot.org

Erik W. Laursen said...

Top 10! Maybe.

Anonymous said...

fishnet jersey?

Anonymous said...

Mailed that one in.

Sean Lynch said...

Call me a skeptic, but who puts a table cloth on a coffee table? The first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the popcorn video was why there was a tablecloth on a coffee table. Unless its there to cover up the magnetron ripped out of a microwave that is.

Look at the apartment, these are not people who would be overly concerned about a few coffee rings. The table cloth makes it look like they're hiding something.

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Some of those were awesome, but Amir is still #1.

Anonymous said...

Yes, yes I am.

ice cube said...

Salt Lake PistaDex....


2008 Bianchi Pista - $730 (Foothill)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: sale-713389813@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-09, 9:35AM MDT


I am selling a new fixed/single gear Bianchi Pista 55 cm. Ridden maybe 3 times. Excellent shape, still has stickers etc. I paid $650 for the the bike new. Has many extras: Has flip hub for single or fixed gear riding $40, New bullhorn style Profile Design Air Wing OS TT Bar $50, Shimano front brake and brake lever $40. It has custom Selle Italia Flite Genuine Gel $150 saddle. I am willing to sale without Selle Italia saddle for $650.

veloben said...

Snob,

Bitter, bitter, bitter.... good. Working for a living surrounded by other people's free range adolescents will do that.

Time to move to the burbs, nu? Not Ct, too many Dr,s, Lawyers, CEOs with low mileage high carbon bikes.

Not LI - too much traffic no hills.

Maybe further up the Hudson say New Paltz?

Anonymous said...

I, the masterful bike technician, inflating my friends bike tires...

Maybe you were lost or wanted another pass at my buns of steel...

Maybe we can volunteer our time to a recycling plant


Either this is a hoax or Amir bought himself a tire pump.

Anonymous said...

Someone who was biking drunk makes a comment about a girl riding a cruiser without lights?

I want to punch this person in the face. Twice.

Anonymous said...

not seeing the boonen thing.

Strayhorn said...

Oh, reminds me I spotted this on the RDU CL today:

RE: WTB: Cheap Fixed Gear $666

Chances are the only folks with a cheap track bike for sale are going to be the 'straight bar' hipsters to which you refer. Mind your P's & Q's.

Furthermore, track drops are less than ideal for the streets & hills around here, and the nearest 'velodrome' is in Asheville.

That being said. . .I can give you a good deal on an NJS Keirin Pista frame & tubular wheelset. Look for me working at Urban Outfitters. I will be the one wearing tight pants.


clicky

Jim said...

Maybe you were lost or wanted another pass at my buns of steel...

Park Tools actually makes a tool that would be just the bedroom accessory for Mr. Buns of Steel, the Frame Alignment Guide #1.

On the upside, at least you know this guy is rocking it old school. Otherwise, he'd be talking about his Buns of High Modulus Carbon Fiber, or Buttcheeks of Scandium.

Anonymous said...

why arent you funny anymore?

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:20, No No No! This poser is a cheap imitation of the real Amir. Amir has style. Amir has subtlety. Amir loves burgundy lips. The woman wearing burgundy lips would not have to endure such attention if she walked past Amir twice!

Todd said...

I can only imagine the Specialized marketing folks are hunkered down in their Morgan Hill bunker right now trying to find away to spin the news about Boonen into a positive...

"Tom Boonen corners like he's on rails."

"Tom Boonen snorts up another victory."

Todd said...

Ah crap.

Just thought of one more...

"The new Specialized S-Works, really helps Tom Boonen hold his line."

Anonymous said...

tom boonen corners like he's on rails is genius.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:23pm,

Sorry--fixed.

--BSNYC

erik k said...

snob based on your description I think he may look something like this

Anonymous said...

anon 1:20:

Punches in the face are so overrated. Punishments for everything should be kicks in the crotch. And yes, that guy deserves two kicks in the crotch.

smartypants said...

My body and my bike create strength.

My muscles and the bike's stiffness create power.

My nervous energy and the bike's handling create agility.

My saddle is a good place to snort lines from, once I've cut them with a wheel skewer.

I am Tom Boonen. I am Specialized.

Anonymous said...

drinking and riding is fine. flirting and drinking and riding are fine. just don't fall down, 'cause if you're drunk, chances are higher that you're gonna hit your head... so the punches are superfluous!

Anonymous said...

Jim --

How could you overlook the tush of titanium?

Or the behind of bamboo?

OpenYourEyes said...

Great point, Jim.

This is a call to the wise and opinionated out there since Snob has drawn our focus to love: I have a dear friend of many years. In a gloriously worded email she told me of the fancy she has toward me... oh, bliss of bliss, but then, the STRAW! She signed the email "cheers". Arrrrggggghhhh...

What, pray tell, like minded souls do I do with a dream come true and the horror all rolled into one?

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'm not going to fall for that Bust magazine con job a second time.

So now you tell us that not any old bike will do, it has to be a fixed gear you're pretending not to be able to repair.

Hmmmph. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice....

Not gonna happen.

I wasted an entire afternoon on the Williamsburg Bridge feigning an inability to put my chain back on a front sprocket.

The only attention I got was from a couple of passing Lubavitchers who invited me to their Mitvah Tank for a minyan and some literature.

I have to admit that klezmer music is catchy.

bikesgonewild said...

...is there no striving for a higher spiritual bond between people anymore ???...has the appreciation of all that is good & holy devolved into such base simplistic gutter trash bike degeneration that we'll never achieve purity again ???...

...fixed gear fixations, shaved leg roady lust, mtb-ers promising to do it for 24 hours at a time, cross dressed cyclo-crossers, boonen on marching powder when he's not feeling "special-ized"...

...i ask you "where have our ethics gone, people ???...how can we find our way back to that good, pure & holy "church of the bike" ???...

...will bsnyc/rtms be the elmer gantry to lead us back to a pious righteous divinity ???...

Anonymous said...

I'm shocked, shocked, to hear that a bike racer and world champion was caught with the Real Thing...I never saw that one coming. Goes to show how concerned the pro peloton is about drug abuse. Phil Ligett is in tears.

Choosing a bike porn name is easy: just take the name of your first pet as your first name, and the name of your tire manufacturer as the second. for me , this works out as Fido Schwalbe, or Cookie Tufo. Cue generic porn music, wakka--wakka--da-da --wakka wakka

Anonymous said...

Wow man...(sniff)...dis blog is like the awesome (sniff)..I love you guys, (sniff), really, really, really.

Anonymous said...

Just to reiterate something I think Snob wrote in a earlier blog. You guys who think women are checking out your buns of steel, or your great legs, are delusional.

They think we're just geeks on bikes, if they notice us at all.

Anonymous said...

So all I have to do is ride fast to get laid in NYC? WOW Rich

Anonymous said...

Ooooooooh...snob has a soft spot, a slight weakness in the aura of his cone of smugness, for Ms. Favaro. C*ckblocking a CL dumpster dude...whoa.

Anonymous said...

BikeSnob...have you ever posted a photo of yourself? I'd love to see the face that accomopanies such satire.

Anonymous said...

anon 2:58 - everyone notices the Amir!

smartypants said...

anon 3:02:

Just go post in missed connections on the NYC craigslist. It's obvious BSNYC spends a lot of time there (purely for research purposes of course.)

BikeSnobNYC said...

Smartypants,

Hey, how long does a guy have to ride around the city in a chicken suit with a live cobra in a basket before he gets a Missed Connection, for chrissakes?!?

--RTMS

Cameron said...

erik K,

I'm not sure that guy looks Jewish/Greek enough, but your getting warm.

bk jimmy said...

Famous spectator spotted at the Dauphiné Libéré:
http://tinyurl.com/64x77s

(Thanks to RTMS's accidental Boonen/Dauphine link mix-up earlier for bringing that to my attention.)

Anonymous said...

bgw-

"...shaved leg roady lust, mtb-ers promising to do it for 24 hours at a time..."

amen, amen.

smartypants said...

RTMS,

You should keep a very close and frequent eye on Missed Connections. You never know how quickly your wish may come true.

Daniel said...

But here I am, home, and I can't get you out of my head. Even if you never write back, go you for actually being friendly! But if you do see this... do you want to go fly kites in the park and bike to the beach?

That's kind of what I think the (only) problem with private schools is: people like this don't get the everloving shit kicked out of them from kindergarten onward for being so precious. I want to give this guy two for flinching.

tuppercole said...

Tom Boonen blows past the competition?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Smartypants,

Finally!

My dream come true. Now I can quit the blog!

--RTMS

smartypants said...

RTMS-

So ah, you want to go back to my place?

Barbarosa said...

fents!

Barbarosa said...

I think that was the most delicious misspelling I've heard happened upon!

Anonymous said...

As far as Boonen goes...

"I know him pretty well and he's a solid dude and has been riding bikes for a long, long time for whatever thats worth."

Barbarosa said...

heard is the new ever.

Anonymous said...

Hey smarty, apparently pain is not his enemy.

bikesgonewild said...

...frilly...hey, we might have something in common...

...like paris h sez "that's hot"...

Anonymous said...

I thought it was well concluded that BSNYC looks like a 6'3" obese blonde Chinese Jew with nipple jewelry?

or, this guy

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:03, Bikesnob has previously posted his picture. He labelled it "Amir."

Anonymous said...

bgw-

Okay I'll bite...

Anonymous said...

BGW...wear your corduroy shorts and bring some Courvousier, ...trust me on this.

Anonymous said...

Leave the competition in the dust on your new powder-coated S-Works....

Anonymous said...

bgw-did I miss something here? I was waiting for what we had in common.

Don't leave a girl waiting.

Daddo said...

and the award for best post referring to another post from another day - comedy or drama goes to prolly....

"I know him pretty well and he's a solid dude and has been riding bikes for a long, long time for whatever thats worth."

nice job!

Anonymous said...

prolly

Anonymous said...

BSNYC and Smartypants --

Don't think we all don't know what you are up to.

And I, for one, ain't gonna fall for it.

Now that I've learned the hard way that the Bust Magazine article was a hoax, do you really think I'm gonna try that chicken suit and live cobra in a basket thing to meet women?

Hmmmph.

Been there, done that.

And besides, I already traded the cobra for some custom aluminum bull horns.

Anyone out there with a Colnago frame want to trade for a chicken suit?

FBIII said...

dammit. i was hoping to win the award with this

Anonymous said...

My bike porn name is Ibis Emigration. Do you think there's birdwatcher porn yet? Maybe I could get in at the ground level.

Unknown said...

Boonen on blow!
say it ain't so!
I just bought Northwave shoes.
Emulating Ricco would give me the blues

Anonymous said...

Tiger Continental... nice ring...

and don't forget about "ass of aluminum", but be aware the it may fail catastrophically

smartypants said...

anon 6:59 (aka Tiger):

I thought it was the Carbon Caboose that failed without warning? Since it is, you know, made out of plastic.

BTW, we must be relatives. In the bike porn world at least. Allow myself to introduce myself: Dude Continental.

(Yes, that's right, I am in fact The Dude Continental. The laid-back european bike porn star.)

Anonymous said...

You were in a white van turning illegally through the bike lane at the traffic lights last night. Me well I was hurling down the hill at speed and nearly shredded myself in the fence to avoid you.I did try to make you aware of your questionable parentage and that you have coitus with alien species but I do not think you heard me over the sound of burning gripping rubber. Would love to catch up and place track pump forcefully up any orifice and blow you into oblivion

Anonymous said...

Uh-oh.

I seem to be Pepe Armadillo.

That can't be good.

Anonymous said...

a word I have seen used for this decade is appropriately enough "naughties" ...

Anonymous said...

Hey, my Mt bike name is Fuji Powerline, but my Road bike name Faggin Village.

Anonymous said...

Ernesto Colnago Mount Chasseral IV, but that would be bragging which I rather not do. Amir be a good lad and get back to the garage now and start up the Ferrari as I feel frisky today

Jim said...

I thought it was the Carbon Caboose that failed without warning? Since it is, you know, made out of plastic.

Yeah, well, you can knock the buns of carbon fiber, but I'm sure that CL M/C would remind you that his ride reallll smooth, and soak up all the little bumps, while still maintaining good sensitivity.

mander said...

Maillot Douche... love it

Anonymous said...

Craigslist Missed Connection is a hoax. Snob never mentioned where he mounted is cobra basket on his officially licensed Riddler replica.

Also no craigslist reference to a fixed gear bicycle is legit without the official "break" and "peddle" spelling.

If it was legit it would read:

I was wandering the 'burg, looking for a biker with buns of steal with whom I could engage in coitus between two dumpsters, when there you were: Peddling a The Riddle lookalike fixie with no break. Wearing a chicken suit. With a live cobra in your basket.

I was wearing tight jeans and looking like I'd just slept beside a fents. I took a second glance to check out your buns of steel, but you had turned down Metropolitan and out of my life. If your out there please reply!!!!!!!!

Cameron said...

Coolest porn name ever, mine:

Shleeshlee Cheng Shin

That just reeks of stud.

bikesgonewild said...

...frilly...baby...forgive me but i posted & then jumped on the single speed w/ errands in mind...

...commiecanuck's suggestion of corduroy shorts & courvousier, while thoughtful, wasn't going to cut it...

...i thought "i know she deserves better", so it's remy martin & you have no idea how hard it is, to ah, line up a pair of lederhosen on short notice...

Anonymous said...

Go the plush velvet wide lapel suit if lederhosen not available, swish swish. Also easier to dry clean ... just sayin

bikesgonewild said...

...andy pandy, bud...i'm thinkin' the velvet jacket w/ the lederhosen would be 'adam ant'-ish if i threw in some feathered & fringed moccasins...

...tryin' to recall if i predated mr ant w/ that look back in the '60's...& i was there so i don't remember a thing...

Anonymous said...

There's another member of the Continental family of bike porn stars:

Astrid Continental

Properly attired, of course.

Anonymous said...

War painted faces are a little out there but if you combine that with the Track of Tears fixie and moccasin cages of the other day well who knows.... Remember strange is interesting, gonzo crazy is not

Anonymous said...

bgw-
Amore--leave the painted face to me. Remy Martin, mmmmm.

And, btw, I'm no goody, goody two shoes.

Swish, swish

Anonymous said...

Awesome job as usual Erik K, but needs more "bulge" for the pornstar effect...
"Maillot Douche"? Excellent creation and assured entry into daily use.

Anonymous said...

openyoureyes 2:35

You sound like a right tosser, so I wouldn't look that gift horse in the mouth if I were you.

Reject her for siging off "cheers" and you'll transcend from 40YO virgin to died a virgin in no time.

Anonymous said...

These comments present uncharacteristic whim.



A

Anonymous said...

FU Boonen...I am the dopepedaler!

How about...."Boonen's crank helps him with his finishing kick"

Anonymous said...

"I looked back and there you were, black dress, basket, happily biking along. :)"

Dude, that was Sarah Chalk and she was on TV. . . I think you passed out whist watching "Scrubs."

---- Ed ---- said...

for the pistadex:

beat up old pista for $650 in San Francisco

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/bik/728088754.html