Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Bike Polo: Mallets 'N Mullets


In many ways, New York City is like a steel frame. Theoretically, it’s repairable, but in practice that’s too expensive so everyone just lets it rust and fall apart. Also, the streets are full of horizontal dropouts (though this type is usually panhandling for drug money while lying on cardboard). And, most importantly, as it gets older it’s going soft.

That’s right, I said it. New York is getting softer than a retired pro’s midriff. Once upon a time when people thought of New York they thought of deranged messengers putting their lives on the line in order to deliver relatively unimportant pieces of paper to people in pleated pants. But that image has effectively been de-mystified by the fixed-gear craze as people all over the world slip on that image as casually as you slip on a sweater in a drafty room. Even the bike thieves are becoming more civil—now they actually wait for you to get off your bike and lock it up before they steal it from you. And with the advent of bike polo the de-clawing of urban cycling is almost complete.

And it’s not just that it’s a horse away from this:

Or a pool away from this:


It’s not even the fact that it’s just hacky sack with bikes and sticks.

It’s that it’s too genteel. Riding languidly around a park in a fashion mullet and swatting at a ball with detached bemusement to the strains of indie rock is not going to put New York back on the map as an underground cycling force to be reckoned with. Nor is it going to inspire anyone to make another quasi-gritty laughable Hollywood feature like "Quicksilver." It's not even going to convince Specialized to come out with a line of zertz-infused carbon mallets and a bike called the "Polo Pony." No, all it's going to do is get us laughed at by people in Portland who probably play it better, are coddled by ample bike lanes, and race cyclocross in dresses. Hell, even the people in Dallas are doing it with more aggression and bodily harm!

That's why I believe it's of the utmost importance that people in New York leave this frivolous pastime to the rest of the world and focus on creating something new for people to copy.

97 comments:

bikenerd said...

Nothstein

Anonymous said...

first to lose!

Anonymous said...

thurd

Anonymous said...

podium

Anonymous said...

ahhh! almost

M. Weed said...

Horizontal dropouts! Incredible.

Anonymous said...

horizontal dropouts --- awesome

but no suggestions for what we should do instead? help! we need guidance. commenters, don't let new york down. if bike polo's not hard or rough enough.... what is? what can i do with my bike??

Strayhorn said...

Second thing I've read today that ties cycling to indie rock.

And lo, the fourth seal was broken . . .

Milkshake said...

Fashion fixed gear polo is a disgrace. Do you not understand why we play on old mountain frames with cheap parts? It's because replacing wheels gets expensive when you're not getting them from the free rack.

206Polo

Prolly said...

dude. Weak. Don't pick on Pollo. They're just a poultry product!

NYC POLO KILLS ALL!

BEWARE! YOUR FIRST BORN WILL PERISH!

Anonymous said...

hahaha, the sad thing is the next step is a bunch of people playing polo on unicycles. I say we just change the rules to make it more like like hokey. What would be more satisfying than watching a bunch of fixed gear hipsters body check them self and their bikes into oblivion

chris_cant_dance said...

Jobst Brandt says that frames don't get soft. "Metal fatigue and failure occur, but they do not change the elastic response of the metal" My old trek is as hard as it was the day it rolled out of waterloo in 1982.

Luke said...

Most of the bikes used in bike polo are junkers built up special for it. And many go fixed in NYC to keep a tighter grip on the bars and control speed with your legs only.

Also, NYC has seen broken feet, fingers and lots of cuts, scrapes and bruises. Check out this footage here, here, and here.

Oh, and a NYC team has beat all comers East of the Mississippi twice now. Don't think Dallas would stand a chance.

LK said...

I am a horizontal dropout!

I'm going to start drinking milk again just so I can get a new keyboard.

Pony Bikes! Like the Muscle Cars?

http://tinyurl.com/6cn4v

Not very Ralph or Thom Browne.

http://tinyurl.com/yskh4j

I'm all for the low gear ratios, unlike Clydes Ride.

The Dancing Bear bike may be good for Pollo.

grey_area said...

Strayhorn -

Out of morbid curiousity what was the first?

Anonymous said...

ahem, 'track fork ends' is the more politically correct term for our less fortunate.

too bad about that writers strike, or my comment would have had more 'funny'.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Chris,

Of course I realize it's a myth, but I'm not above perpetuating a myth when it conveniently serves my point.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

polo is for clown-shoes asshat hipster pony boys.

The next new thing for the hardcore is totally going to be fixed gear tandem tall-bike jousting, where to win you must knock both of your opponents off without losing anyone on your bike. Or as a tiebreaker/technical win whichever team loses the lesser amount of teeth.

AnnaZed said...

Luke, relax dude. Are you a little humour impaired or what?

sdl said...

Bike Polo? Seriously? I guess it was only a matter of time.

I love the horizontal drop-outs analogy.

New York:

Get back to the Madison, and start from there. A couple ideas to get your grit back.

1. Street Madison -- the new favorite sport of couriers. No track required. Time bonuses for exchanges through an intersection whilst running a red light.

2. 6-day Madison. Like they used to be, but for six days STRAIGHT. Take the spotlight back from those 24-hour MTB kids.

Anonymous said...

"nyc bike polo isn't hard enough to represent nyc cycling."

not nearly as hard as contributing to nyc cycling by typing a blog

i bet you really live in connecticut.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:10pm,

I wish--Connecticut's pretty nice.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

"NYC team has beat all comers East of the Mississippi twice now"

HAHAHA! Sorry, I have to go wash the mud out of my dress now.

Josh said...

polo is fun man don't hate.

if its too gentle you haven't been playing long enough / at all.

Josh said...

i would like to add that i am pretty bad at polo, but i do play it down in dc.

Strayhorn said...

guero canadiense

I think it was Lance on a white Trek riding forth to conquer all. He left his bow at that Oleson's place, though.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 2:10,

Either you are satirically impaired or your comment is pretty funny.

Actually, either way it's funny.

Jim said...

Bike Polo is all well and good, but I'm rather partial to Recumbent Rochambeau.

Anonymous said...

how about bike-parkour? despite its French roots, that could be pretty tough. . . urban-cyclo-cross? you could definitely out-injure the polo players.

Anonymous said...

"Bike Polo" we prefer the name that the neighborhood kids have given us. "Faggot Bike Golf"

Anonymous said...

erik k said...
hahaha, the sad thing is the next step is a bunch of people playing polo on unicycles. I say we just change the rules to make it more like like hokey.


Here:

http://www.mpch-mainz.mpg.de/~sander/uni/

Or just Google "Unicycle Hockey"

Miriam. said...

Dont worry, us Portlanders already make fun of you. We have our own issues too, like not enough bike parking and too many rainy days. ;)

And the bike lanes dont mean crap if drivers/cops dont see you and could care less if you are there.

Anonymous said...

faggot bike golf made me blow soy milk out my nose

Bluenoser said...

The Snob I'm glad to see that the NYC polo guys are respecting the Writers Guild and don't have any lines during their match. The guys from Dalas as always DGAF and cross the picket line.

If I'm not mistaken, is that Lance's long lost older brother with the white cap on backwards? You wouldn't wnt to get halogen burn on the back of your neck from those lights. Could never understand guys that wear peaked caps at night... what is the sun in your eyes?

Anonymous 3:20 has it right. I think unicycle lacrosse would be even better... your allowed to to cross check. Maybe they should use cross bikes for that. And the left coast could cross dress...

-Bluenoser

Anonymous said...

I would break my own feet before I'd ever agree to play bike polo.

NYC still has the toughest mountain biking around if you consider glass, trash, heroin needles, prostitutes, santeria shamen and junkies who crap on the trail to be "trail features." There's hope for us yet.

Anonymous said...

I think the bottom line here is that bike polo is fun for everyone even those Herbs with the busted fingers but doesn't confer "hard" status on a city because it's played in an empty lot with no traffic.

Anonymous said...

Friends in Tucson have been talking about a running bike polo group there since 1995. Sent them the link to the Times article on this "new" trend and they had a good laugh. I've watched it (injury prone/ clumsy) and it isn't a sissy sport. The "babes on bikes" crowd you wrote of earlier could probably give the "Pretty Woman" treatment.
BTW- I'm still choking Birdseye, nice job.

grey_area said...

Strayhorn -

That's definitely a sign of the end times... but what was the other thing that linked indie rock to cycling?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 3:20.. hahaha

awesome. Its funny when you think to yourself ..whats the most ridiculous thing possible? and then you find a bunch of idiots on the internet allready doing it..

Anonymous said...

btw - I don't know if any readers actually played water polo, but here goes anyway:

If that fella shooting is in the standard 7+ foot pool depth, he has some amazing leg strength to get out of the water like that. Me? I'm usually just showing nip and nothing much beyond.

Anonymous said...

I can picture heckler's seasoned bike-polo-veteran friends "having a good laugh" He-Man style: eyes closed, smiling mouth wide open, head incrementally tilting all the way back.

Clayton said...

Its funny when you think to yourself ..whats the most ridiculous thing possible?

the biathlon comes to mind.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmph, bike polo will never be a real sport because they keep changing the rules.

Oh sure, they tell you all you have to do is hit a ball with a club from a your bike without putting one of your feet down, but when you show up with training wheels, they get all indignant.

Honestly, I'm going back to dodge ball on bikes.

KanyonKris said...

What's the next cycling sport worthy of the Big Bad Apple?

TriCross

Yep, the illegitimate union of Triathlon and Cyclocross. Here's how it works:

First, swim across the East River, WITH your bike! (May explain the function of top tube pads - flotation.)

Second, get on your bike (and off, and on, and off...) as you negotiate an obstacle course that would be the envy of marine boot camp. The exact specifics are up to the course designer (the customary title is "Supreme Sadist"), but here are some things you might encounter (all MUST be done WITH your bike): climb up a 50 foot cargo net, a 50 yard tire agility run, crawling under barbed wire, wading through a 1/4 mile mud pit. Live machine gun fire overhead is usual, but optional.

Third, ride your back back to Manhattan during rush hour traffic, alley cat style.

The finishers, are treated to a lavish party and feast reminiscent of the Gladiators who survived the blood sport arena games of Rome. Those who did not finish (usually 95%+) better have good health insurance and a friend to drive them to the hospital.

Clayton said...

WAIT! i've got it. i know how to bring the "hard" back to NYC.

the urban bicycle biathlon. involving something of a combination between drive-by shootings and alleycats. at each checkpoint, the racer must fire into mock windows with a regulation handgun, then race to the next checkpoint and repeat. results come from a formula combining total elapsed time and marksmanship scores.

Anonymous said...

Go to the steelwool website & note the dufus haircut requirement of Canadian bike polo. I understand that the rules strictly require players to don a do from an authorized list. That list was stolen from a Siberian mental asylum. Marvel for example at the reverse mohican of the guy in the middle of the photo at this link http://www.steelwoolbicycles.ca/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/shatas-vs-torpedos2b.jpg.

[sorry, no idea how to do the linky thing]

Anonymous said...

Or just an alley cat where at each checkpoint you have to wrestle a homeless person for a spoke card.

Anonymous said...

How about breaking off parts WHILE riding and throwing them at each other. Last person alive wins (whether that's because you didn't get stabbed or your bike is still rolling).

I'm not sure what you'd call this game...

Clayton said...

mm: sounds kinda like a cage-less demolition derby. could be exciting. i think it should include ramming.

Anon 4:28 PM:

I like that idea. though, i do think guns should be involved in some way.

Anonymous said...

Staircase racing.

Anonymous said...

...sure, it's all fun n' games til somebody gets hurt & goes crying home to mother...

Anonymous said...

Bike polo rocks, whatever that gymnastic ribbon routine those guys were playing doesn't.

When we used to play in the early 90's, each game required the purchase of a new bike from the local thrift store. Getting 2 matches out of a steed was almost unheard of. It was perfectly fair game to jam your mallet into the other players wheel in lieu of checking them.

I hope people continue to play bike polo and that the fixed gear ballet in that video goes away.

Evershed said...

polo, Milwaukee, the Von Munz clause, handle bar into lung.

All these comments suck and so does this one.

get a life, me included.

Anonymous said...

Bicycle biathlon = bikeathlon

I've thought this would be good fun. Instead of stationary targets we'd have to get a tight cluster on the rear-mounted spare of a retreating Isuzu Trooper. Some shots would require a dismount, some would be whilst riding. More challenging shots could include trying to mark the spoke cards of passing hipsters (I was thinking paintball guns here to start with). Instead of top tube pads, we'd have decorated fork mounts for the weaponry.

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:00 - Been out there and rode with the guys a few times. They played in the open areas of the UofA campus and about 3 minutes from the bars out the main entrance. Lot of "ride, drink, ride" type of activities. So yes their heads were probably back with a wide grin, and there was probably some Nimbus brew flowing into the gap.

Anonymous said...

viewing tracks by duration with the intention of grabbing whatever seemed to closest to the length of that clip with the purest of enuii turned up only bardo pond and that john tesh/debbie gibson remix that zamfir did. as zamfir regularly taps out on my uncle's coxis, i couldn't bear the irony of forever leaving him to the wilds of youtube as the muzak of the F.B.G. zeitgeist.

Anonymous said...

I like the bike jousting idea, but how about bike demolition derby? That should bring back images of the tough NY rider--hammering full tilt into another bike and then getting up and doing it again. Last bike with wheels that can still turn without getting hopelessly jammed against the chainstays wins.

Anonymous said...

Three cheers for cross in dresses!

Hip hip horray!

Hip hip horray!

Hip hip horray!

Anonymous said...

Not completely germane to the current conversation, but this comment does fit in to BS's larger theme of fixie critique: saw one of these affixed to someone's car bumper today. (Though there is a heated discussion as to the correct grammar, which should be "One Fixie Fewer".) Stickers can apparently be had here.

Scottie said...

Wait, what's so ridiculous about Biathlon? Entire wars have been fought that way in the cold Scandinavian north. During WWII the average Finnish ski patrol was worth far more than a Russian tank in the winter...

Now Curling, there's something ridiculous. I just have to work out how bicycle curling would work.

Anonymous said...

Bicycle curling begins with moustache bars.

Bluenoser said...

curling starts AND ends in a bar.

-Bluenoser

Anonymous said...

It looks like the days of the current NYC bike polo court could be numbered. Residents of the Lower Eastside want to turn it into a dog run:

http://www.nybma.com/ -- third item down.

While nothing would be more amusing than a fight between the Bowery bourgeoisie and the Bushwick bourgeoisie, in the end the latter should just concede defeat and hold future polo matches in their own neighborhood. The parking lot of the new Doggy Daycare opening up on Myrtle Avenue seems like suitable location.

The city is indeed getting soft.

Jared said...

Kanyonkris:
The only thing missing from your proposal is roadies in assos bibs shooting tennis balls at the riders while they climb the nets. Then they can feast like American Gladiators.

Anonymous said...

scott: the fact that a sport evolved from tasks included in a style of modern warfare does not exclude it from ridiculousness. many might even say it necessitates it. imagine something like grenade tossing or ambushes being a sport. funny, right?

as an aside, have you read black edelweiss.

Anonymous said...

two words: "austere sobriety."

Anonymous said...

Nice to see NYC catching up with the times.

http://www.axlesofevil.org/

KanyonKris said...

jared:
I'd completely blocked American Gladiator from my memory, but when I read your post it all came rushing back. What a freaky show that was. Remember that muscle-bound blond female Gladiator? Scary. But I got a good laugh from the memory - thanks.

justacoolcat said...

Oh yeah, I could really use another Quicksilver. Come on NYC get in gear!

Anonymous said...

I'm just gonna keep doing the hard ass things i do. I got nothing to prove over the internet or in the media. What matters comes down to the streets.

Philip Williamson said...

Crit-racing on a figure-eight track?

Like the opening 14 minutes of "The Love Bug," but with brakeless singlespeeds.

I've seen a couple of those around, but this is semi-rural Oregon, where the pussies have either expatriated to the big city or died.

Anonymous said...

Do I take it as an analogy that people are playing polo on bicycles ? Boy, I hope so, 'coz if they're doing that, it's just the beginning of a new Sodom and Gomorrah, you start doing polo on bikes, you can do anything on bikes, basket ball on fixies, you know what on carbon racing bikes... Repent, the end is near for you sinners in NY.

Anonymous said...

OMG! $800!?!?!?!?!?!

seattle.craigslist.org/see/bik/478335739.html

Anonymous said...

london bike polo enthusiasts..

http://www.londonfgss.com/discussion/187/london-bike-polo/#Item_0

Anonymous said...

Bike Polo... meh. I remember when I first heard of that I had to laugh. When I was about 10 years old we used to play Bike Frisbee. Now there's something else I can do on a bike instead of ride it, is it really that bad in the rest of the world that people sit around lamenting that they can't ride, drink PBR, and come up with stuff like bike polo?

Anonymous said...

I'm just gonna keep doing the hard ass things i do. I got nothing to prove over the internet or in the media. What matters comes down to the streets.

wait. are you sure?
and media? really? come on.
you're being ironic, right?

Anonymous said...

I'm just gonna keep doing the hard ass things i do. I got nothing to prove over the internet or in the media. What matters comes down to the streets.

wait. are you sure?
and media? really? come on.
you're being ironic, right?

Unknown said...

Though your posts are always funny, you missed the mark by a mile on this one. had you attended the actual NYC polo game you've linked to here, you wouldn't have missed the aggression that took place during the tournament. You have also learned by mingling with the culture that NYC players have been kicking ass and taking names against teams from around the country and Canada. Also, I was at ESPI's all weekend and I didn't see a single mullet nor did I hear any indie rock. Unless of course your so far removed from the culture you critique that you think Mastadon is indie rock.

Unknown said...

Though your posts are always funny, you missed the mark by a mile on this one. had you attended the actual NYC polo game you've linked to here, you wouldn't have missed the aggression that took place during the tournament. You have also learned by mingling with the culture that NYC players have been kicking ass and taking names against teams from around the country and Canada. Also, I was at ESPI's all weekend and I didn't see a single mullet nor did I hear any indie rock. Unless of course your so far removed from the culture you critique that you think Mastadon is indie rock.

Unknown said...

Though your posts are always funny, you missed the mark by a mile on this one. had you attended the actual NYC polo game you've linked to here, you wouldn't have missed the aggression that took place during the tournament. You have also learned by mingling with the culture that NYC players have been kicking ass and taking names against teams from around the country and Canada. Also, I was at ESPI's all weekend and I didn't see a single mullet nor did I hear any indie rock. Unless of course your so far removed from the culture you critique that you think Mastadon is indie rock.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Ed,

Thanks for the comment, and I'm glad you enjoy the site. You may be taking me a little too seriously here. You must admit that the video coupled with the soporific soundtrack does make the whole enterprise seem a little limp. I'm sure the reality was much different, but making broad judments from afar based on videos and photos is part of my MO (as with the Fixed Gear Symposium post I did awhile back), and it's only meant in fun. I mean, if you can't poke fun at bike polo what can you poke fun at? The fact that I don't "get it" is part of the joke.

And yes, I wasn't there. I don't know what day that match took place, but I'd wager I was off racing my bike somewhere.

--BSNYC

PS: Mastodon is metal for people who like indie rock.

Anonymous said...

anon 7:33

bwahaha! that's awesome, the stem and bars aren't even compatible, they're just hanging there.

Anonymous said...

(AnnaZed here, the log-in is not working or something)

"PS: Mastodon is metal for people who like indie rock."

Jeez, BSNYC, iks there anything that you don't know? I'm in awe.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC --

You raced your bike while Ed was playing polo?

I tried racing my bike once.

It won.

Then it waited at the finish line to mock me.

Now I know why some guys have their bikes fixed.

Hope you had better luck.

Anonymous said...

Bike polo is geh. Unless you play with a testosterone ball patch over one eye.

Anonymous said...

Heh. Faggot Bike Golf.

Anonymous said...

without the editing, that dallas clip would have been as aggressive as a weekend of vipassana. BSNY, i thought you weren't susceptible to things like editing and the myth of the satisfying vegan milkshake.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Chris-h,

I'm not, but other people are. Like certain documentary filmmakers, I draw conclusions first and find footage to match.

--BSNYC

Prolly said...

Mastadon not metal? I suppose Belial is the soundtrack to fairy tales? And
Behemoth is doing the next pepsi ad?

You lost your mind on that one.

Also, to whoever suggested that NYC has great MTB routes over drug needles, prostitutes and other urban legends from the 80's, you need to visit NYC again. Now it's tea-cup dogs, strollers, MORE tourists and faggy road bikers in spandex in the middle of traffic.

"Bike joisting"
Black Label's been there
"Bike demolition derby"
Black Label's been there - BIKE KILL

"Drive bys" - this ain't Compton

You guys are losing originality points. I guess that's why you're reading the blog and not writing it...

Anonymous said...

chunk beat them to it

Anonymous said...

luke 1:52

Edit the footage.
Edit/remove the music bed.

Frankie Teardrop? It's NYC, but WTF?

Get the best ad-libber around and have them do play-by-play.

I know in my heart that bike polo is a lot of fun. I've played similar games with friends.

But I really don't get the YouTube part, because I don't see how it captures any of that fun. It makes me want to keep looking, not join in.

For what it's worth, I like bike polo.
And I like Bike Snob.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to leave a VERY SERIOUS COMMENT. I agree with the above- YouTube sucks- go ride you bike and foreget the romantisissmsmsism. Bike polo is extremly fun to play but it is not extremem.....or gritty....or raw.....or edgey. I grew up on a farm in oregon and have only been east of the mississipi twice but i woudl guess that NYC is not going to get any "tougher" by the creation of any game or race. It may become funner (yes I said funner). Fun is ok though. Romantisisismsim for gritty edgey raw things is liek dreaming of being in a war. CHances are it sucks.

In rural Ooregon the young hicks romantisise about being a logger and working in the woods cutting down giant trees and doing manly stuff. In Portland, young hipsters romantise about being a bike messenger zooming in and out of traffic etc. But logging is shitty hard work and mostly done with machines now and messengers are being replaced by email.

So the young hicks buy jacked up trucks and go muddin' and hipsters buy fixies and race in alleycats.

logging and messengering are WORK and are gritty edgey and raw. Muddin', racing, bike poloing, zoobombing, cyclocrossing, are PLAY and are soft. I liek the gladiator discussion because that's what the romans did when they ran out of wars- they romatisissesed about war with these battles.

blah

Price Hill said...

The midwest doesn't really have a place for most hermaphrodites, being that we're so working class. So we put them in art school and hope for the best. Once they finish at their "Creative/performing arts" high schools we have no place left for them with their soft skin and mullets, so we load them up in a bus full of vegan treats for the long ride to New York, once they settle into their advertising jobs all they have left is aerospokes and pink polo bikes.

I blame Hollywood, with her stories of how tough Brooklyn is, it's every hermaphrodites dream to blog to their friends back home about how tough their neighborhood is and how they actually saw a black person.

Don't blame yourself New York, if you were to send back all of the he/shes to the midwest you would still be as hard as ever.

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