Thursday, December 15, 2016

Sorry I'm not sorry I'm late! But I'm here now so everything's OK.

Before we go any further, let's pause for a moment and marvel at this blog's prescience.  You may recall that on Monday I commented on how protective the Hell's Angels are of their tree:


Well, subsequently the NYPD conducted a raid on the Hell's Angels clubhouse and took that which is most dear to them.

No, not the bikes.

The trees:


Oh, and also their bench, but presumably that was merely collateral damage.

Wow, the NYPD's really getting them where it hurts, and during the holidays no less.  They better not have fucked with the Hell's Angels Hanukkah Bush, man.


(Awww.)

I find Hanukkah to be imbued with pathos, because when it comes to getting kids excited Hanukkah can't hold a candle to Christmas.  (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)  Though they do get to play with fire, so there is that:


("Mommy, am I doing it right?')

Speaking of the holidays, every year I make it a point to hop on my bike and go holiday shopping, because there's just something festive about zipping around town with a backpack full of consumer goods.  Indeed, this was the subject of one of my Brooks guest posts from last year:


You live for my Brooks guest posts, admit it.

Anyway, yesterday I headed on the bike and indulged my inner Santa Fred once again:


I'm pleased to report I knocked out pretty much my entire shopping list in one backpack load, which is another way of saying everyone's getting slightly mangled gifts this year.  I'd also congratulate myself for both helping the local economy and not burning any fossil fuels, but the fact is that once I got home I ordered all the really large and expensive gifts on the Internet.

See, that's how cycling smugness works: as long as we're not igniting the gasoline ourselves it doesn't count.

Oh, and for maximum smugness, make sure to become really indignant when the company that delivers all that stuff you order for blocking the bike lane:



I was with him until I heard that freaking horn.

In any case, thanks to Kickstarter I've once again glimpsed the future, and it's clear that Bicycle Laser Tag is the holiday gift that's going to be on top of everyone's list next year:


Playing the game is simple.  Chase behind and get in range of your opponents red receiver, then press your trigger button to shoot.  When your opponents red receiver flashes and beeps it represents that your target has been acquired - a hit!  When any player is hit ten times the red light will strobe and an audible alarm will sound, informing everyone that the player is out of the game.  The player who out maneuvers their opponents and survives from being hit ten times, wins the game.  

If nothing else this could completely revolutionize the sport of Cat 6 racing--as could the Lopifit:


So basically it utilizes a motor to provide you the exercise you would have gotten from simply walking without the machine.

This thing's going to be a huge hit.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

Firstish

fourhourerection said...

Firstus placeious !?

John Swanson said...

Podium Firstus

Anonymous said...

woot?

Anonymous said...

Woo Hoo Hoo!!!

fourhourerection said...

Curses! Foiled again!

fourhourerection said...

Looks like fun, so I guess I should read...

John Swanson said...

I missed it by <>

Anonymous said...

Just missed the Sprint.

Anonymous said...

Found something no fred should be with out Anti Lock Brakes, well almost anti lock http://www.bikeradar.com/us/road/news/article/pinarello-blubrake-abs-system-launch-48819/

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

First of the second 10 Scrani!

Grump said...

Next you'll be telling me that there is no Hanukkah Harry.

N/A said...

I am the first to be in whatever place I currently am on this here list of comments at ~2:28 (my time) in the PM. For whatever it's worth. Which ain't much. So there!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Seems like there is a fredly application of that bicycle laser tag thing for freds in a paceline. Maybe the lasers and receivers are reversed to let the following fred know he is too far or too close from the fred in front of him.

Now that there is a treadmill scooter I guess the next thing will be a motorized stepper to help one climb actual stairs?

leroy said...

My dog informs me that today's post reminded him to put The Anderson Council's "Gardening Man" on tonight's karaoke playlist.

I always thought that was more of a Wednesday song, but what do I know.

I mean what do I know other than not visiting Third Street in front of the Angel's clubhouse to lead a sing along of "No you can't, no you can't, you can't touch any of my plants."

There are things a talking dog can do that others can't touch.

But he assures me we'll always have "Positively 4th Street."

It's good to have friends.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

JLRB said...

"everyone's getting slightly mangled gifts this year."

Thank you in advance.

N/A said...

Fortunately lots of the best bieky gifts are folding, such as tires, jerseys, frames, Walz Caps (in any colorway), so no matter what Wildcat got for me, it'll probably be just fine.

Anonymous said...

You would be most effective at avoiding a laser tag while riding drunk. I vote them "most likely to get sued into oblivion" after a Fredly peloton swerves into oncoming traffic to avoid a tag.

Snob - I do appreciate the continued focus on frickin lazers though.

bad boy of the north said...

Tag ten times! you're it!

Drock said...

Star of David brake pads inset with gold flake, Hebrew Dave here gots a Hanukkah bike. It's מתוק

Bryan said...

UPS Bike Lane Blocking could have easily been avoided by just getting out and taking the lane, cagers be damned! It's a big truck, easily visible and easy enough to plan for ahead of time. But it isn't as satisfying as using an air zounds and saying "I got you good you fucker!"

bcstractor said...

UK transport minister doors cyclist.

http://www.cyclingweekly.co.uk/news/latest-news/transport-secretary-proves-worth-segregated-cycle-lanes-dooring-cyclist-304225

Anonymous said...

I would like to use a unicycle to power the Lopifit. That would blow the square's minds.

bieks said...

Somebody put something in their flower box / tree pot.

I always assumed people were putting garbage in flower boxes.

#donotputanythinginmyflowerbox

grog said...

No, an inflatable recumbabe. That would be a hit.

Anonymous said...

How long will it be before Specialized offers a "Laser Specific" bike. How can you be a Laser Fred without proper equipment?

Anonymous said...

"Friggin' Laser beams attached to their head[tubes]."

camembert teuton said...

I like that laser tag thingy...

Pee Wee Herman said...

I'm trying to use the phone!

Sensible Portaging Advocate said...

Ain't you heard of racks and panniers?

You can put 'em on the front or you can put 'em on the back or you can put 'em on the front AND the back!

You could explore the wondrous world of bicycle trailers or the equally wondrous world of cargo bikes. Indeed, I'm reasonably certain you, my dear Snobby, are in possession of such a bike and have regaled us with tales of your adventures upon it.

So why in the name of all things pious are you farting about with backpacks!?

Bicycles and backpacks are an unholy alliance.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Sensible Portaging Advocate,

Because when I'm going from shop to shop in the city, picking up small items, dodging traffic and locking and unlocking frequently, I like to ride a speedy bike with nothing on it. It's like a messenger run.

For regular food runs, diaper runs, etc., sure, it's the cargo bike.

--Wildcat Etc.

wle said...

Is a backpack more smugly than those pannier things? I hope so because I don;t have any of those pannier things.

leroy said...

My dog informs me he has an opinion regarding panniers.

I told him it would be news only if he didn't.

Sensible Portaging Advocate said...

Hmm, yeah, I sorta take your point and do appreciate leroy's contribution reminding us that every dog and his man has an opinion about this concern, but there's nothing as unseemly as a cyclist burdened with a heavily laden backpack.

Perhaps we can reach a compromise whereby the backpack attaches to the bike by means of a discreet fitting? You could still cut a dashing figure and our delicate sensibilities would be spared a grotesque spectacle...

Great Guy Sandy was said...

I remember Sandy G well, he was really into bushes. Got to the point where he'd water them with penicillin as a precaution.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Sensible Portaging Advocate,

Such backpacks exist but carrying a stuffed backpack on a bike seems even worse than carrying one on your back.

I like backpacks for quick city errand-running. Panniers introduce an extra step when you're doing a lock-up-and-run-in. So either I use a regular bike and a backpack for little stuff or a cargo bike for bigger stuff.

I do have a little Ortlieb city-type pannier which I used when I had a more regular commute, but I don't really use it these days.

Backpacks totally do suck in summer though. Then of course I avoid them and carry everything on the bike whenever possible.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

scranus pack

Dooth said...

Damn, there's orange cones around the Hells Angels website too...

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

I'm here now. Please commence.

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

Best of Both Worlds said...

I just simply carry my backback in my pannier.

SoFlo'd said...

Wow, those lazer tag guys can't ride very well. Up those cornering skillz... funny scaredy-cat foot work there...

Anonymous said...

"Hey guys, I got a bike lazer tag game for Christmas, want to come play it with me?"

JLRB said...

off topic (if there is one), but my work world raises a question: would you rather be bullshitted or bullied?

BikeSnobNYC said...

JLRB,

I was always taught it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

--Wildcat Etc.

Easter than what said...

Pannier than what?

Bluezurich said...

Lastivus

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Easter than what -

Pannier than thou, obviously

dancesonpedals said...

cinqo dix

A. Dice Clay said...

Pannier? I just met her.

PHUC KAWL said...

Dear Lob Lover,

Virginal Birthers get to play with (solstice-related symbolic) fire too.

The symbolism of the Advent wreath is beautiful.

I think the word Advent means ADVENTURE.
And the wreath is a wheel, so it means renew or give a subscription to Adventure Cycling from what I can gather.

Awl Phuck (OUCH!) said...

And subscription means membership in the argot of Advent Wreath Enthusiasts.

Central Park said...

WOW nice
Lifestyle at Central park