It's a work in progress.
By the way, can you spot all the holiday gift ideas in the above photo?
--EH Works tool roll: ✓
--Brooks Cambium: ✓
--Milwaukee metal-tubed bicycle frame: ✓
(Yeah, sure, buy yourself a new bike frame, you deserve it.)
And don't forget that as I took that picture I was wearing a Walz cap and was jacked up on Bike Snob coffee, hence the pee break.
Yes, your life could also be this glamorous! Just imagine urinating publicly in Yonkers whilst bedecked in the finest artisanal cycling accoutrements. All you need to do is head on over to the BSNYC Margin Mall and exercise your shopping finger.
Then again, I suppose all those items are all fairly traditional, so if you're in the market for something a bit more cutting-edge you might want to head over to Kickstarter instead. For example, now's the time to get in on the ground floor with Kwiggle® the world's most compact folding bike:
Though before you do, you should know that the Kwiggle®Meister is a supervillain who is going to take over the world:
Anyway, I'm not sure whether or not this is indeed the world's most compact folding bike as it purports to be, but I do know that "Riding the Kwiggle®" is officially the most sexually suggestive non-sexual phrase of 2016--which makes this phrase positively salacious:
"People who try Kwiggle® always say they like the relaxing ride."
I bet they do.
But what makes the Kwiggle® truly special is that you stand bolt upright while riding it:
Yes, you've got to be fully erect to ride the Kwiggle® or else it won't work.
Anyway, lest you think the Kwiggle® is only for those who live in an urban environment, this Kwiggle® Fred proves that its equally at home in town:
Plus, you can even hit Kwiggle® Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed on it, which is somewhere around 30kph:
So if you've ever longed to marry the convenience of a Brompton with the pushing-a-shopping-cart riding position of a Segway then the Kwiggle® may be the bike-like contraption for you.
Of course, as more and more cities adopt bike share there could be less and less need for gadgets like the Kwiggle®, though some of these towns could really stand to work harder on their marketing campaigns:
Seriously, it seems like Los Angeles should have way cooler bike share videos. You've got to figure there are at least five or ten aspiring filmmakers at any given coffee shop who would have been willing to take a swing at this for free. (Not to mention some aspiring actors who actually know how to balance a bicycle.) And what the hell is up with their crazy train PSAs?!?
Okay, so the cop or security agent or whatever he is frightens this kid off with a series of aggressive hand gestures that could easily be construed as assault:
The kid then hits some debris on the platform because the agency has been criminally negligent:
And finally he goes flying into a train and gets his leg cut off:
He may be off the board for awhile but he's going to win millions from that lawsuit.
But hey, what do I know? I'm used to our anti-preening PSAs:
Thanks to these, now whenever my kid sees someone on the train applying lipstick he says to me in a stage whisper, "SHE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT!"
"Yeah? And I shouldn't be doing this, either," I reply as I crack open a can of beer cunningly concealed in a paper bag.
By the way, the person on the left appears to be doing some manscaping:
Hey, we've all been there.
Lastly, you'll be dismayed to learn that the fixie-bro film genre refuses to die, as evidenced in this promotional video for the holiday season from Chrome, the Affliction Clothing of messenger bag companies:
The Holidays are a time for reflection. To come together with those who mean most and look back on the all the good times we’ve shared. This year we brought together members of our Familia, decked them out in our Night Series gear and set them loose on the streets of NYC.
They did indeed. My favorite is when this doofus speeds into an intersection:
Cuts this pedestrian the fuck off in the crosswalk:
And then does his very best to hit a taxi cab:
Take that, society!
But you know, the ugly-ass Chrome shoes do have tiny reflective details (the "reflection" in the video description, how clever) so it's all okay:
Yes, minimal visibility is what you need when you're doing that salmon-to-whip-skid in the bike lane:
You also work up quite an appetite, which is why after inconveniencing pedestrians while modeling clothes these bros are totally gonna destroy some night-brunch:
Thank you, San Francisco, for always exporting the very finest aspects of your culture to our city.