Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Are we all here? Good. Now let's begin.

Well, you'll be pleased to know I managed to squeeze in another rainy ride this morning, and here's yet another entry for my new coffee table book, "Scenic Pee Spots of the Lower Hudson Valley:"


It's a work in progress.

By the way, can you spot all the holiday gift ideas in the above photo?

--EH Works tool roll: ✓
--Brooks Cambium: ✓
--Milwaukee metal-tubed bicycle frame: ✓

(Yeah, sure, buy yourself a new bike frame, you deserve it.)

And don't forget that as I took that picture I was wearing a Walz cap and was jacked up on Bike Snob coffee, hence the pee break.

Yes, your life could also be this glamorous!  Just imagine urinating publicly in Yonkers whilst bedecked in the finest artisanal cycling accoutrements.  All you need to do is head on over to the BSNYC Margin Mall and exercise your shopping finger.

Then again, I suppose all those items are all fairly traditional, so if you're in the market for something a bit more cutting-edge you might want to head over to Kickstarter instead.  For example, now's the time to get in on the ground floor with Kwiggle® the world's most compact folding bike:



Though before you do, you should know that the Kwiggle®Meister is a supervillain who is going to take over the world:

You've been warned.

Anyway, I'm not sure whether or not this is indeed the world's most compact folding bike as it purports to be, but I do know that "Riding the Kwiggle®" is officially the most sexually suggestive non-sexual phrase of 2016--which makes this phrase positively salacious:

"People who try Kwiggle® always say they like the relaxing ride."

I bet they do.

But what makes the Kwiggle® truly special is that you stand bolt upright while riding it:


Yes, you've got to be fully erect to ride the Kwiggle® or else it won't work.

Anyway, lest you think the Kwiggle® is only for those who live in an urban environment, this Kwiggle® Fred proves that its equally at home in town:


And country:


Plus, you can even hit Kwiggle® Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed on it, which is somewhere around 30kph:


So if you've ever longed to marry the convenience of a Brompton with the pushing-a-shopping-cart riding position of a Segway then the Kwiggle® may be the bike-like contraption for you.

Of course, as more and more cities adopt bike share there could be less and less need for gadgets like the Kwiggle®, though some of these towns could really stand to work harder on their marketing campaigns:



Seriously, it seems like Los Angeles should have way cooler bike share videos.  You've got to figure there are at least five or ten aspiring filmmakers at any given coffee shop who would have been willing to take a swing at this for free.  (Not to mention some aspiring actors who actually know how to balance a bicycle.)  And what the hell is up with their crazy train PSAs?!?



Okay, so the cop or security agent or whatever he is frightens this kid off with a series of aggressive hand gestures that could easily be construed as assault:


The kid then hits some debris on the platform because the agency has been criminally negligent:


And finally he goes flying into a train and gets his leg cut off:


He may be off the board for awhile but he's going to win millions from that lawsuit.

But hey, what do I know?  I'm used to our anti-preening PSAs:


Thanks to these, now whenever my kid sees someone on the train applying lipstick he says to me in a stage whisper, "SHE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT!"

"Yeah?  And I shouldn't be doing this, either," I reply as I crack open a can of beer cunningly concealed in a paper bag.

By the way, the person on the left appears to be doing some manscaping:


Hey, we've all been there.

Lastly, you'll be dismayed to learn that the fixie-bro film genre refuses to die, as evidenced in this promotional video for the holiday season from Chrome, the Affliction Clothing of messenger bag companies:


The Holidays are a time for reflection. To come together with those who mean most and look back on the all the good times we’ve shared. This year we brought together members of our Familia, decked them out in our Night Series gear and set them loose on the streets of NYC.

They did indeed.  My favorite is when this doofus speeds into an intersection:


Cuts this pedestrian the fuck off in the crosswalk:


And then does his very best to hit a taxi cab:


Brilliant.

Take that, society!

But you know, the ugly-ass Chrome shoes do have tiny reflective details (the "reflection" in the video description, how clever) so it's all okay:


Yes, minimal visibility is what you need when you're doing that salmon-to-whip-skid in the bike lane:


You also work up quite an appetite, which is why after inconveniencing pedestrians while modeling clothes these bros are totally gonna destroy some night-brunch:


Thank you, San Francisco, for always exporting the very finest aspects of your culture to our city.

80 comments:

misster pissta said...

Free wi fi..bike lane?

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Podiui?

Ted K. said...

Note 32. (Paragraph 193) It is even conceivable (remotely) that the revolution might consist only of a massive change of attitudes toward technology resulting in a relatively gradual and painless disintegration of the industrial system. But if this happens we’ll be very lucky. It’s far more probably that the transition to a nontechnological society will be very difficult and full of conflicts and disasters.

Alina said...

Non-Ted podium?

Chris Horny said...

Is it too early to start drinking? I wanna get drunk and then anger beat Ted K. to a bloody pulp.

Anonymous said...

Exporting?

The Real Future is Unreal said...

It’s far more probably that the transition to a nontechnological society will never happen, and at best most people will be so immersed in the VR Kwiggle world it will be like they are not even here any more, sort of like Fake Ted lost in his delusional fantasy.

le Correcteur said...

Top ten; read it; and yeah, the Chrome video is truly retrograde, in a 2008 to 2010 kind of way. Maybe the postmodern feedback loop's gotten so small that we're now not ironically aping the 90s; maybe we're now aping 6 to 8 years ago?

Loser said...

Well i learned one new thang in the Metro bike share video: "They" refer to Downtown Los Angeles as DTLA. Sound better than saying I'm going to L.A.me.....

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Top ten?

1904 Cadardi said...

Ten! Whoo.

It was about zero degrees 'Murhican this morning so I drove the car that I own. Brrrrr.

BamaPhred said...

Top ten and read it

BamaPhred said...

Dang Booted out of top ten

Joe said...

The best subway ads are the new "see something say something" ads with people bragging in nonsensical non-sequiturs about how they said something.

McFly said...

......or some aspiring actresses who know how to mount a rigid.

1904 Cadardi said...

Damn, elevensies. Well thankfully the gap was small so I get same time on GC.

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

Definitely need some work on the train PSA. My home state of Victoria within the best country on Earth, Australia, (mandatory hmmmet laws aside of course) has a goodyun:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw

We only have mandatory hmmmet laws to stop people thinking that we are really the uber cool relaxed fun-loving cats that we in fact really are...in fact.

Please don't hold New South Wales against us - every family has "that relative"...

N/A said...

Hey sometimes you got to knock some scrub off the scrote, and if the busy man-about-town can't make it happen on his subway ride, when is it going to happen? "Make hay while the sun shines" is how I was raised.

Buffalo Bill said...

This is a worrying trend.
Seems the older I get, the shorter the time between pee breaks.
And since the scenic (and conveniently secluded) pee stops are not getting any closer together, I have a reason to ride faster.
Sadly, it seems the older I get, my ability to actually ride faster has also decreased.

Bryan said...

I like my Chrome shoes. The non SPD version holds up 1000000x better than the spd version.
Have the EH Works
have the Cambium
So, 2/3 for you! It will be awhile before I have that bike frame. It's nice, and I don't think my wife loves me enough to let me buy one

wle said...

the kwiggle costs 1300 euros and the front fork looks or is backwards.. i sent mail to the supervillain to ask why..

wle

dancesonpedals said...

You don't need to be a fixie bro to be a jerk in the crosswalk. Yesterday at ~9 am near GCT, I was riding with the green, but stopped before the crosswalk after a surging pedestrians blocked my path. 20:1 did not seem like good odds, especially on a citibike. That didn't stop 10-speed-messenger bag bro from going through at full speed, scattering the bipeds (I walked my bike after in his wake).

Next up was teutonic-lime-green-retro-fred on a citibike. This guy wore full tights (wool, or at least fuzzy) with a long sleeve wool jersey that was hi-viz lime and a cycling cap while riding a citibike. His motto was to be 'dead right' The bike lane was on the left, and at odd-numbered streets there was the ever-present threat of a fatal left hook. TLGR Fred would cut off a line of cars in motion, turning left in front of him (I'd skirt right around them, briefly into traffic). He would also shout at the drivers as he cut them off. He cursed out the driver of a white sedan that was parked in the bike lane. Closer inspection revealed it was a 'handicapped transport'. At the next stop light I discussed this with him. "You see the driver helping the blind woman cross the sidewalk?
do you see her cane

He rode off, shouting that only ambulances were allowed in the bikelane, and that I didn't know how to ride a fucking bike. (all in a german accent)

Anonymous said...

Hey don't blame SF for Chrome. They moved here from Colorado or something. Also we shipped NYC all our fixie riders a few years ago after you assholes sent us your techies and artisanal pastrami makers. We don't even eat pastrami.

Anonymous said...

FREETHE
LIMEGREEN
PASTRAMI!

rudimentary peni said...

Did you hear about the BromptonxSybian collab? It's an available saddle upgrade with an integrated vibrator that lets you increase kegel efficacy while riding your Kwiggle.

Anonymous said...

The narrator for the LA Bikeshare video sounds like the narrator from the Marin Pine Mountain video. Hmmm. http://www.marinbikes.com/us/bikes/family/pine-mountain

N/A said...

The Kwiggle not-seat-post area/thing looks like it is supposed to be... inserted... for riding. I'll pass, thanks.

Frickus Rungus said...

After seeing the awesomely curated hand warmers in the comments yesterday, and riding past someone who had something similar at lunch time, I did some digging in my 80's motorcycle stuff box and came up with these
The are 30+ year old Malcolm Smith "Gold Medal Gear" handlebar mits.
My fingers were very happy in the way in to work this morning.
Can fingers be smug?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

By the way, can you spot all the holiday gift ideas in the above photo?

--EH Works tool roll: ✓
--Brooks Cambium: ✓
--Milwaukee metal-tubed bicycle frame: ✓
You didn't mention the somewhat ill fitting fender kit.

The Kwiggle looks a bit twitchy. I did like it when the pretty fanny sat down on the Kwiggle seat, though.

janinedm said...

The fixie craze is here to stay. Every year, there's a new batch of 18-25 year old men to replace the graduating class.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

janinedm said...

...also dop, I think I have encountered this guy on 5th Ave during the morning rush, though I was the rude one. He jumped the light to get an early start and then moved slowly in front of me in traffic and I coasted behind him saying "I'm going to need you to pedal a little faster for a second so I can get around you, sir." He said, "Just get away from me." I said, "I promise I will drop you as soon as your slow ass gives me space to pass." It was wrong of me. I wonder it's the same guy and my harsh words warped him into this daredevil of dumbness. Then I think it might not be. My dayglo German didn't seem to have the chutzpah to charge through the inside of a turn like that.

Also, I've been thinking about dayglo colors recently. I'm part of the WorkCycles group on Facebook (Henry Cutler, the guy who owns Workcycles, is on there so he can answer your questions about home repairs, finding parts in the US, or the suitability of a component you're thinking about switching). Anyway, a lot of the owners are in the EU and they argue about hi-viz the way we argue about helmets. It's fascinating, we don't talk about it much here but I can tell you that there are people ut there who think that if you are not in hi-viz dayglo YOU WILL DIE AND IT WILL BE YUR FAULT. Dunno, it's just funny how different places have different assumptions about what will get you maimed or killed on a bike.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC -- Did you have to bend the tab on your front fender to clear the lower stack at the bottom of the Milwaukee head tube? Or were you able to futz with the fender's adjustments?

My dog says he'd bend it, but he doesn't have opposable thumbs, mechanical ability, or motivation.

But the wetter it gets, the more motivated I become.

CommieCanuck said...

A subway car is not a restroom, but a restroom is not a restroom either. You go there to take a trump, or urinate, not exactly a nice place to rest. It's confusing in America for visitors, I end up not resting at all, or taking a trump on someone's chaise lounge. The rest of the world calls them what they are , toilets. America seems to be in denial as to what goes on in there, on those little chairs, it's not resting, it's not washing, it's bowel movements and Republican gay sex, that's it.

le Correcteur said...

janinedm @ 3:03pm: 18 to 25 year olds? In LA, the last regular fixie riders commonly around were the 13 to 17 year olds.

When middle schoolers started riding fixies or aspired to do so, it was all over. And that was around 2010 or 2009.

I had a Jamaican acquaintance who used to race track long ago. Pulled into his shop back in 2010 on my Paramount track; he said, "don't you hate riding your fixed? Everyone thinks you just bought it! "

I no longer own that bike. But I kind of wish I still did.

dancesonpedals said...

How many TLGR Freds/Dayglo Germans/Hi-Viz Krauts riding citibikes can there be?

bcstractor said...

I'd like to know what the maximum downhill grade under braking is for the silly little bike. Under almost any braking conditions you would lose rear braking ability and then be subject to being offed at the smallest groove or rock by the front wheel. Basic misunderstanding of bike geometry here.

Very Slim Pickens said...

First photo, so they put you in, or let you in, Sing-Sing. Wonder if the prison library has any of your books.

Steely Danzig said...

What about fixed-gear impresario Prolly? Are him and his D.A.R.T. still prowling the streets and bike polo tracks? Perhaps he's now one of the bearded, full-sleeve roadies who have moved on. Not like I care enough to actually track him down.
It's also funny to see daddy's with neck tattoos and Descendents t-shirts pushing babies around in $800 strollers and drving mini vans.

wle said...

"I'd like to know what the maximum downhill grade under braking is for the silly little bike. Under almost any braking conditions you would lose rear braking ability and then be subject to being offed at the smallest groove or rock by the front wheel. Basic misunderstanding of bike geometry here."----like i said, the fork is backwards.... wle....

Canadian Bird and US Toilet Rooms said...

CC 341 "Republican gay sex" The Donald is going to make Republican Gay Sex Great Again. Trump Tower being nothing if not a giant phallus symbol that compensates for his small hands. North Carolina's Dept. of Tourism is going to have some kind of new welcoming campaign focusing on restrooms, bathrooms, toiletrooms, whatever.

Heard Canada now has an official bird, and it's not a middle finger either.

It Wasn't Him said...

Janine 318 "daredevil of dumbness"

Not him, you would have recognized him as he was elected president a few weeks ago by the legions of daredevils of dumbness.

Anonymous said...

Hummm, Winterval present time, must send Santa a request for grey iron fence, excellent suggestion Snobby.

R2D2

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is "night brunch"? Is that what happens when all the diners are gone?

wishiwasmerckx said...

After all that talk yesterday about how storing your bike tires up would surely lead to death or at least serious bodily harm, I was amused to amble by the REI store yesterday, where I noted that their backstock of bikes hung inverted from the rafters.

Anonymous said...

"Thank you, San Francisco, for always exporting the very finest aspects of your culture to our city."

You got Mission Chinese from us. Quit your bitchin'.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:57pm,

Good point, we didn't have any other good food here.

--Wildcat Etc.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Steely Danzig,

He has since refashioned himself out of whole cloth into a swashbuckling bike fashionista called the "Radavist."

--Wildcat Etc.

Steely Danzig said...

I like "Radavist." Thanks for the referral.

8carlisle said...

would be interesting to see how the folding bike, with a shopping cart front wheel, handles corners and if the design is simply to be more compact.

HivemindX said...

You never mentioned the high-viz water bottle in your gift catalogue photo. I'm sick of risking my life with black water bottles that render me effectively invisible to motorised traffic. Hopefully someone buys me a BSNYC high-viz orange water bottle before I get killed.

Sax Huret said...

I too enjoy my Chrome shoes, with the caveat that I could do without laces in cycling footwear.

Anonymous said...

Just curious, what is the official ratio of bike messengers in NYC to average citizens? Based solely on the youtube videos I've viewed, it seems like there are at least 2 to 3 messengers per citizen.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 6:41pm,

There are like five messengers in the whole city but they're all famous.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

Oh, BS, you never fail to amuse!

wle said...

There are like five messengers in the whole city but they're all famous.

--Wildcat Etc.

---------they are famous for their ubiquity----or is that perspicacity? ---- or propinqity? ----wle\

Drock said...

Waiting for a bike to fit into my pocket. I wear clown pants so it could happen.
Sold my studed treads and it snowed, guess my pressure going go down, way down.

YOU KNOW ID HIT THAT said...

38-40 on the lame LA video

Old timer said...

Huh? What?

What a head case said...

NSW, the only place in the world where slowly riding a bike on a closed street during a small town parade will get you $750 in fines.

It really is the worst place in the world for bicycle riding.

That's what she said...

Leroy said "The wetter it gets the more motivated I become"

Podesta's Pizza said...

A subway car is not a restroom, but a restroom is not a restroom either. You go there to take a trump, or urinate, not exactly a nice place to rest.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An snowflake posts.

janinedm said...

The middle school youths in NYC tend to favor BMX bikes. Makes my knees hurt just thinking about them.

Grump said...

90% of Crabon bike owners should have a bike like yours (the tool roll is a little overkill, though)

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Sorry I'm late, I had to spend Pearl Harbor Day in Beantown.

wle, in case you don't hear back from the evil villain head of Kwiggle, I'd like to share my theory on why the fork is mounted backwards. Since the Kwiggle adopted the "pushing a shopping cart position" it follows that the front wheel should wobble.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. That's What She Said @7:59 --

Thank you. My dog informs me that you're here all week and I should try the veal.

I have no idea what he's talking about, but he added this.

BamaPhred said...

Well, since we've taken this path,

"Yes, you've got to be fully erect to ride the Kwiggle® or else it won't work."

I've heard it called lots of things, but riding the Kwiggle is a new one.

Anonymous said...

I like the part when kwiggle Fred is overtaken by a group of people wearing regular clothes and no helmets. Might want a helmet at 22mph though.

Dooth said...

The Chrome Familia also has mad Kwiggle skilz.

bad boy of the north said...

You won't be surprised how many "secret pee spots" there are in Yonkers.just pick a spot.

JLRB said...

Scranus

Safety Video Foley Editor said...

GA-GUSH!!

Anonymous said...

I thought Ted's post was spot-on.

milo said...

@dancesonpedals,

To be fair, in Germany, cars turning right are required to yield to bikes incomming on their right-side. Also, nobody gets a free pass to park in a bike lane (though the law is poorly enforced. All of this shows the shockingly low expectation level NYC folks seem to have for driver behavior.

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