Wednesday, July 6, 2016

BSNYC Afternoon Edition: The Afternoon Edition!

Good afternoon!

Post, ride, then post again.  Why didn't I think of this before?  I may have to make a habit of this.

Speaking of this morning's post, Leroy pointed out in the comments thereto that the NYPD is ticketing cyclists on the Manhattan Bridge for not having balls.

Sorry, that should have been for not having bells:

I've got a bell on my Ironic Orange Julius Bike (a.k.a. Son of Scattante)--not because I ever ring it (I don't) but because it's ostensibly my city bike and I wanted to be prepared for just such a crackdown.  However, now that I live in upstate New York City I'm largely spared these sorts of crackdowns (there are fewer cyclists up here and the NYPD seems content to ignore us), and if I do find myself on the Manhattan Bridge I'm usually on a Citi Bike or a Brompton.  Those are also equipped with bells, but obviously if the NYPD were to stop me on the Manhattan Bridge for any reason and I was riding either a Citi Bike or a Brompton I'd just throw it off the bridge and into the pungent waters of the "Big Skanky" below.

Hey, neither bike technically belongs to me, and since the NYPD seems to hate cyclists so much the best course of action is clearly to cease being one on the spot.  And while technically I suppose they could then give me a ticket for walking in the Manhattan Bridge bike lane, I doubt they've ever enforced that rule.  I'm also reasonably sure if I drove an SUV across the Manhattan Bridge bike lane they'd give me a high-five instead of a ticket.

In any case, if you're riding over the Manhattan Bridge this evening and you get stopped for flagrant bell-less riding, all you need to do is quickly download this:


"Ah, you see officer, I do have a bell.  Which do you prefer: desk, or cow?"


You'll be on your way in no time, unless of course they decide to tackle or strangle you.

As for my ride this morning, it was quite pleasant thankyouvermuch, apart from the fact it was brutally hot:


Inasmuch as my Milwaukee is in need of some mechanical attention I haven't gotten around to yet I've been riding (and very much enjoying) my Ritte in the meantime, which is of late equipped with a Brooks C13.  I've been getting along quite well with this, the most Fredly of Brooks's offerings, and because the rivets are not metal they did not sear my scranus as I feared in this morning's post.

Anyway, my default shortish ride is a jaunt into the Westchester suburbs.  I use the Old Croton Aqueduct as my trunk route, and then I detour on and off of it to take in various short, steep climbs I keep in my back pocket.  And on this particular morning the trail was rife with deer:


Here's another that bolted in front of me, with its cute little Bambi offspring just out of frame:


Before moving to the mainland I thought deer were bucolic and so I'd get excited when I saw them, but now I know they're big and stupid and only exist to transmit Lyme disease and occupy the middle ground between rats and squirrels.

Then when I got home I made myself a "recovery" drink.  First, I poured the leftover coffee from the morning over some ice:


I know iced coffee is supposed to be "cold brewed," but either I'm missing something or "cold brewing" is pointless and stupid because to me this tastes just fine.

Then I added some milk:


As well as some hot chocolate powder, because chocolate milk is good for recovery according to "Bicycling" magazine:


I then had the idea to add some seltzer in order to A) rehydrate myself; and B) get a whole egg cream thing going.  But we were all out of seltzer, and so I drank it as it was.

It was pretty damn good.

Then I made a sardine, avocado, and baby spinach sandwich on gluten-free bread.

Now you're totally up to date on what I've been up to, and you're probably also dry-heaving.

Lastly, I was horrified recently to learn that the cycling media is now reviewing e-MTBs like they're regular bikes:


You know, roadies get a lot of crap for being tight-sphinctered, self-absorbed Strava weeneis, but the advent of the e-MTB is proof that mountain bikers are far, far worse.  Sure, we've always known they'll buy anything that promises to make up for the fact that they basically suck at their hobby, which is why mountain bikes have evolved from simple machines into the stupid, ugly, bouncy, overpriced, gimmicky hunks of BS most of the Mountain Freds ride today:


(Why?)

But the fact that any of them are willing to embrace a motor is the ultimate acknowledgement of their profound suckitude and aversion to dues-paying in the pursuit of becoming better cyclists.  And it's all carbon fiber's fault:

According to Lapierre, creating an e-MTB out of carbon was never about weight saving. No, this was all about how its engineers could package the hefty battery and motor in a bid to create an e-MTB that handled more like a regular mountain bike, lowering the bike's centre of gravity and injecting some of the nimbleness that e-MTBs are often a little short of.

In other words, they've run out of gimmicky shit to do with carbon, so all that's left is to figure out how to use it to hide motors.

Maybe I spent too much time at Rivendell, but I find the idea of a motorized bike on which every part moves hydraulically to be utterly nauseating:

Although we only had a brief amount of time aboard the AM700 Carbon, we were certainly impressed by the smooth, consistent operation of Lapierre’s very own 125mm dropper seat post. The lever feels nice and sturdy and is a big enough target to hit when you’re really scrabbling around in a rush to drop your saddle. Although it’s early days, there was no saddle wobble or droop to be seen either which is always a plus.

Is this where we are now, really?  Praising saddles for not wobbling or drooping?

Oy.

And how about that motor?  Well, it's great, except when you're doing a standing start on a loose climb, because you suck so bad you can't even get all the way up a climb on a motorized bicycle:

Power delivery from the Bosch motor is, as we’ve come to expect, pretty smooth as you apply pressure to the pedals and only really tricky to handle from standing starts on loose climbs. This is where you’ll be thankful of the easy to use remote which lets you toggle between the various power modes, all of which are displayed by the rather bulky head unit. For the most part of our short loop though, we struggled to ride in anything other than turbo mode as it’s just that much fun. But let’s focus on the ride characteristics of the bike for a minute though, as that’s the big draw here.

Fuck it, I'm leasing a--

Ah, dammit, too late:


I guess I'll just have to ride one of my primitive rigid bicycles and power it entirely with my own feeble legs.

47 comments:

dop said...

scranus in the afternoon

DennisReynolds48 said...

Scranus.

Anonymous said...

woah.

Anonymous said...

would have made the top step on the podium, but I had to charge my battery

cervicalgia said...

Top 10!

Schisthead said...

Two posts a day sounds like fun, but isn't that twice as much work?

Anonymous said...

im in turbo mode as we speak

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

7th, didn't want to be a podium hog today! Scranus dayenu!

Anonymous said...

Our friends to the North don't seem to be ticketing cyclists as much. . .
http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20160704/business/160709847/

dnk said...

Fuck it, I'm moving to Blue Balls, PA.

Dooth said...

My post ride recovery meal: Salami and mozzarella on a hard roll, a banana and a mango milkshake. Mango milkshake is also the name of a forbidden dance.

Anonymous said...

I assume this was a clicky shoes, tight clothes ride? Am i a fred if I wear tight clothes and clicky shoes? I like to ride for fitness, and I find that bib shorts manage my scranular conditions well, especially in this weather. I like a really tight shirt because it keeps the stuff in my back shirt pockets from flopping about. But the more I ride the more fredly I feel. I guess I could ride an MTB in a tank top and jean shorts and just not give an F. I see some guys in gym shorts and t shirts and clicky shoes and no socks on road bikes.. but I can't just willfully abide that absolute disregard for cycling fashion. I guess I am a fred in denial. Although my bike is old and cheap and a pastiche of craigslist and ebay components. I like the rivendell ethos but I just cant get with that in a practical way on a 40 mile ride in east coast summer heat and humidity, even if it is just an amble.

ken e. said...

zooming into the magic!

Some guy from upstate said...

Props on the singlespeed-a-palooza glass.

E-MTB's just make me sad. Some things are meant to be difficult. If you want a dirt bike, just buy a dirt bike, pay the fees, and ride it on dirt bike trails. Otherwise put in the work.

janinedm said...

My post ride meal is usually 1) a few immediate spoonfuls of ice cream while standing sometimes with the helmet and gloves still on 2) shower 3) some sort of meat like a roast beef sandwich, liverwurst with cornichons, or grilled cheese with bacon. In the winter, I like hot chocolate with bourbon.

Benjamin Elliott said...

Another thing to do with crabon fribe: make aero wheels for folding bikes.
http://www.bikeradar.com/us/road/news/article/lios-nano-carbon-folding-bike-47468/

For the serious Cat 6 rider.

Dave - Everywheere said...

If you want a motor scooter, why buy a scooter disguised as a bicycle? At least a real scooter has than cool built-in storage area under the seat.

Anonymous said...

In case you haven't noticed the children's market is overrun with electric powered crap of all types; scooters, tricycles, min-cars, you name it. Now do you think that kids that grow up riding that crap are ever going to want to ride something that they have to power themselves? No way, self-power is for poor people and losers! Stock up on bikes (if you haven't already) because the day is coming when real bikes are far more scarce than e-bikes were 5 years ago.

Tickets for riding without a bell in America's most bike friendly city?

Anonymous said...

sounds like it's time to put that bell back on my bike, the one that I never used and when I did was routinely ignored by peds walking against the light and jaywalking. NYPD can suck my ball sack. If you do get stopped, just tell the stupid fucking pig that the bell got stolen at your last stop and you're glad he stopped you so you can file a police report.

Sean Lynch said...

First bike share fatality in the USA took place last week about 3 1/2 blocks north of my house.
The Chicago police's major accident unit is investigating. Chicago does not have Citi Bikes. Instead we have Divvy bikes. The name is derived from the British slang word 'Div', meaning an idiot. The mayor's spokesperson talked about Chicago's vision zero.

I guess the truck driver had 'zero vision' in their blind spot. Looks like everyone was obeying the signals, and this was a tragedy.

For hipsters familiar with the area, this corner is about 2 blocks west of Kuma's Corner and 4 blocks north of Fat Rice.

For all other Chicagoans, this location is 3 blocks north of an April 6th murder. The tribune mis-identifies the neighborhood as Logan Square. Its just north of Diversey, so it is Avondale.

Anonymous said...

And here I thought afternoon newspapers went out of business.

Bambi carries Bugs not Bunny said...

Police are stopping deer and checking them for ticks, if they find one they give the deer a tick-et (what a groaner).

DB said...

Thanks for the double post today.

bad boy of the north said...

Watch a little tdf.check.mid moring ride.check.cut the grass in the heat.check.walk into town to meet up with wifey and catch some cold ones....soon to be checked.

DB said...

The Mrs. and I saw Swiss Army Man today. We enjoyed it, but would like any Film Studies major to explain it for us.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Janine,. I like bourbon with hot chocolate. At this point in my life, I will still be recovering from last sunday's ride when I start next Sunday's ride.

P. Bateman said...

hot damn - a two'fer? you should do these every tuesday snob. and call it Two'fer Tuesday. because it would be two posts..on a tuesday.

kind of like that Drake song...except everyone knows that the club get's turnt up on mondays and thursdays now.

wle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
P. Bateman said...

sardine and avacado. sounds nice. anchovies and pesto on gluten filled bread is also a tasty snack that will nauseate most onlookers.

love the Snob food section.

you should make that part of Two'fer tuesday. you could include various Taco recipes each week.

Snobs' Two'fer Taco Tuesday. i'm hungry and have wood just thinking about it.

wle said...

**** I see some guys in (civilian) shorts and t shirts and clicky shoes and no socks on road bikes.. ****

--i saw you that day, too!
wle

Anonymous said...

No shame in switching your post-time to the late afternoon. I suspect your loyal readers will make the leap without much upset or spilled milk.

bad boy of the north said...

Oops!meant mid morning ride....damn chubby digits.oh..while i'm at it.....check on the last item.i hear in Canada's drop post...in the northeast..will be hotter than today.

leroy said...

It can't possibly help sales to share a brand name with NRA butt head Wayne LaPierre.

I mean no one ever talks anymore about Ayds weight loss products.

Anonymous said...

Is a double post a double entendre? Example: you see one of Babbles legs, then you see the other, leading you to dream of seeing the Panama Canal.

Checkered Flag said...

Podium topped at 3:28PM, must be some kind of record late podium.

Anonymous said...

I'm sensing that you're not deeply in love with the Ritte or the Milwaukee. Sure, they're serviceable and nice company, but lacking in passion.
Face it--you're still on quest for a dream bike. What works for me may not work for you, so I'll leave out any recommendations. But stop browsing the Internet for THE BIKE. You'll find it in person. You'll see it in a store and it will be love at first sight.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 8:03pm,

You're joking, right?

--Wildcat Etc.

Only In Canada You Say said...

Manitoba man injured after bullets thrown into Canada Day bonfire.
Well, at least he was only using .22-calibre ammunition, but still, it seems like a bad idea.

Frickus Rungus said...

I saw a person on the bike path today with an oxygen tank and a nasal cannoli, canoodle, err rubber hose. Does that count as doping, or should I just yell "yell yeah you're riding your bike!"?

Frickus Rungus said...

I used to eat fig Newton's and.orange juice as a pre ride snack. Then I had to have my stomach pumped before surgery once and the ER guy was all "what did you eat for breakfast?!?". I now only eat stuff that doesn't look.gross coming back out. Kind of like always wearing clean underwear. You know, just in case...

dancesonpedals said...

I don't know if the Milasukee is a 'dram bike', but it's a practice what you preach bike for even. A steel frame (non-crabon) that any shop can fix if it gets dinged, big clearances and medium pull brakes with room for comfy tires and a seat post where he can mount a prominent sponsor's product ( ok, any bike could do that last)

dancesonpedals said...

How did autocorrect turn wcrm into even?

BamaPhred said...

"You know, roadies get a lot of crap for being tight-sphinctered, self-absorbed Strava weenies" perfectly describes the mountain freds here, Starva-ing every foot of trail, unable to ride without extreme brodom, and bellowing Woooooo. So basically I have the road to myself. So I have that going for me. I would like to point out the obvious in the $9800 mountain fred bike. That's before upgrades and accessories. And tax.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I've been reading too much Lovely Bicycle. That Velouria...sad she's off the market.
Still, I know you're shilling for your Bikes' builders, but you praising your bikes has gotten redundant to the point that it feels like an overcompensation.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 10:52pm,

I think what you're sensing is that I approach bicycles differently than you. "Passion?" "Dream bike?" Come on. If anything it sounds like you're reading too much "Bicycling."

--Wildcat Rock Machine

McFly said...

I was out on a jaunt at the campground and an old duder stopped me for bike talk. He was on an E-bike and said he wanted to swing by my campsite later and let me ride it.

I gave him the wrong campsite.

"Errrrr uhhhh ya I'm in.......Persimmon 38......yeah....that's it."

Lavya said...

"You know, roadies get a lot of crap for being tight-sphinctered, self-absorbed Strava weeneis, but the advent of the e-MTB is proof that mountain bikers are far, far worse."

Wasn't the first instance of motor-doping on one of your road bike competitions?