Monday, March 21, 2016

Burning Bridges

In bracing myself for the Reign of Trump I recently found myself reading an old Sports Illustrated article about his eponymous bike race:


From which I was amused to learn this:

In addition to the eight professional entries, there were 11 amateur teams, the most colorful being a six-man squad from Holland that was sponsored by Sauna Diana, an Amsterdam brothel. "The largest in Holland," explained one team member. "Beautiful girls."

Naturally I consulted a popular search engine to learn more about Sauna Diana, and I found a team photo that would make Cipollini blush:


Professional cycling has certainly come a long way from the quaint days of promoting sex trafficking to promoting human rights violations and slavery, so there's no reason to feel anything other than optimistic about the sport's future, because at this rate you can expect Team Sharia to win the Tour of the ISIS Caliphate by 2025.

It would be pretty awesome to have a Sauna Diana jersey though.

In other news, if you enjoy fake bike riding, you'll be pleased to know Zwift has added a fake mountain:


Zwift, the indoor trainer videogame, added a substantial new mountain section to its virtual course, allowing riders to do a steady climb for about 30 minutes — and then bomb down the other side.  

As with the rest of Zwift, getting access to the game requires a $10 / £8 monthly fee, a bike, a computer, a trainer, a USB dongle and either a power meter, a speed/cadence sensor or a smart trainer. 

As opposed to riding your bike outside, or staying inside and wanking, both of which are not only free but far more productive.

Though I suppose the Zwift matrix is the only place Freds can still ride helmetless without turning themselves into social pariahs.

Speaking of riding your bike in real life, there's a bridge north of New York City called the Tappan Zee.  It spans the Hudson River and connects Tarrytown in Westchester county with Nyack in Rockland county.  This bridge sucks for two reasons:

1) You can't cycle or walk across it;

2) It's a piece of crap that's about to fall into the Hudson.  In fact it's so disposable they should call it the Tampon Zee.

Owning to reason No. 2 (our governor couldn't give a shit about reason No. 1), they're currently building a new bridge.  It's supposed to open in 2018, and it will even have a bike path:


This is huge.

See, despite being a "Global Power City" and all the rest of it, New York City is pathetically retrograde as far as recreational cycling goes.  Part of this is due to the fact that the Type A d'bags who live here tend to be incurable roadies and tridorks who hire coaches and ride up fake mountains on Zwift, but a lot of it is because of our lousy infrastructure situation that precludes mixing up routes and riding styles.  Consider:


Fred Central is Manhattan (and increasingly Brooklyn), from whence most of the Freds hail.  What the Freds do is ride uptown and then over the George Washington Bridge to Nyack (route indicated in red), over and over and over, weekend after weekend after weekend.  (Except during the winter, when they hole up in their overpriced apartments and use Zwift.)  You may recall Nyack as where I was once served a hairy muffin.

Now don't get me wrong, there's some lovely riding to be had over that way.  However, owing to lack of transit and a general lack of culture (the two tend to go together) it's not terribly conducive to non-Fredly riding.  (Riding, stopping for beer, and taking the train back to New York, for example.)  Also, just as our seas are being over-fished, this part of the world is dangerously over-Fredded, to the point that a trip over the George Washington Bridge on a Sunday morning can be so dispiriting as to make you want to take up Rollerblading.  (Waiting behind a line of 10 tridorks who can't negotiate the switchback on the bike path ramp will quickly undermine your will to live.)

Meanwhile, on the eastern side of the Hudson, you've got lots of transit and therefore it's more densely populated.  The downside of this is that you've got to go further to find open road.  The upside is that there are lots of nice towns with caf├ęs, brewpubs, and direct rail connections to Manhattan.  You've also got various paved and unpaved paths and trails along the route indicated in yellow, as I've documented on various occasions.  (My Gran Fondon't also employs some of them.)  So conceivably the non-Fredly city dweller could do a four-hour dirt ride from his or her apartment, recover at a brewery, and then take a train home.  However, relatively small numbers of city dwellers do this--partially because so many of them are Freds, but also because the route from Manhattan to these paths and trails is less obvious.  (Most New York City cyclists can get to the Gimbels Ride and back and that's it.)

The result is a segregated recreational cycling landscape.

However, once they open that new bridge (indicated in blue), the cyclists of New York City will be able to mix the red and the yellow together without going all the way up to the Bear Mountain Bridge.  The effect will be synergistic, like mixing stimulants and depressants.  Fred rides, dirt rides, "multimodal" rides, whatever rides...instead of color-coded routes it will be like someone dumped a bag of Skittles over the whole area:


This will make local cycling much more interesting.  Not only that, it will make the region north of the city much more interesting.  It will give the locals more to do, and it will be great for business. Honestly, if it weren't for Freds, who the hell would go spend money in Nyack?

Yet, as a reader tells me, that's not stopping them from complaining about it:


(via BikeBlogNYC via Stephen Arthur)

Peter DeMaio, who has lived in the village for 40 years, said he only began following the controversy in recent months, admitting the issue has motivated him to get involved. The path is scheduled to open in 2018.

"I couldn't have been more surprised if they said they're going to put a Wal-Mart in our neighborhood," said DeMaio of the state's proposed location for the path's entry at Cornelison Avenue and South Broadway, next to a private home. "I'm ready to do anything. ... We've got to stop it."

Yes, a bike/pedestrian path entrance is JUST LIKE a Wal-Mart.

Worse yet, people might want to visit their attractive village:

Their fear is the 3-mile path may become a tourist attraction. By the state Thruway Authority's own estimates, 473 visitors could visit it per hour during peak times, with 59 percent arriving by car and 19 percent by bike. The state figures that type of traffic will require 151 parking spaces for both counties to meet demand.

Tourist attraction?  Yeah, get over yourself.  It's a nice town and all, but you're still Nyack.  Nobody gives a shit about you.  That's like me worrying I'm going to be mobbed with fans because I've got a new book coming out.

Of course, the people of Rockland have always had an uneasy relationship with the only thing that makes them worth visiting.  After all, they've had to endure the sound of cyclists chatting for years.  And who know, maybe the complaints are warranted.  Maybe the entrance to the bike/pedestrian path is indeed poorly planned.  Because after all, you can't have a place where people cycle or walk without giving them plenty of PARKING:

In Tarrytown, state land will be used to provide public parking and restrooms. Several parking options in South Nyack have been floated by the state, from using local streets to building a 54-space lot at Exit 10 to utilizing existing parking lots about a mile away in neighboring Nyack.

Oy.

By the time this bridge is open the bike path is going to connect two massive parking lots, go nowhere near either town, and be open for roughly two hours a day in spring and summer only.

Can't wait to see how they fuck this one up.


64 comments:

Ted K. said...

132. It is well known that people generally work better and more persistently when striving for a reward than when attempting to avoid a punishment or negative outcome. Scientists and other technicians are motivated mainly by the rewards they get through their work. But those who oppose technological invasions of freedom are working to avoid a negative outcome, consequently there are few who work persistently and well at this discouraging task. If reformers ever achieved a signal victory that seemed to set up a solid barrier against further erosion of freedom through technical progress, most would tend to relax and turn their attention to more agreeable pursuits. But the scientists would remain busy in their laboratories, and technology as it progresses would find ways, in spite of any barriers, to exert more and more control over individuals and make them always more dependent on the system.

Bud W. Iser said...

Hi

Anonymous said...

<iframe src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/1

Anonymous said...

Word!

NourskSiklist said...

Podium? Top five? Would have won, except had to back the kickstarter for virtual reality wank-tastic app, Phap.

Domo arigato Mister Robotto

Anonymous said...

Top ten and read.

Anonymous said...

The frequency of Cipollini jokes has been very high lately. This makes me happy.

N/A said...

You could get the Fondon't sponsored by an NYC pimp. The official ride jersey could have a picture of a helment with a big feather on it.

Anonymous said...

Je suis dans le premier dix.

N/A said...

Those wankers that are crouched down in the Sauna Diana pic look like they're fixing to do an elephant walk.

Anonymous said...

BTW, the Chevy/Cadillac dealer in Beloit, Wi is Bud Wieser Chevrolet
.

Very Slim Pickins said...

Got to the bottom of today's Snobville Gazette and discovered there were THREE comments. I could have been on the podium. Why, oh why, read the damn thing. Am I fucken nuts?

Anonymous said...

"You could get the Fondon't sponsored by an NYC pimp."

I assume that means the sponsor takes money from the participants. Likely all the money.

Anonymous said...

Likely all THEIR money.

Rub-A-Dub-Dub Cipo and Two Babes in a Tub said...

I wonder if Sauna Diana had (has) a sauna for some hot scrubbing action (wash my back, I'll wash your tits). I'm fairly sure customers have to have a dongle.

N/A said...

Zwift is going to add a virtual Nyack to their program. Just jam your dongle wherever it fits and go pedal up a massive mountain.

Oh, Oh, Oh Baby said...

Official theme song of Sauna Diana "Let it Ride" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive (some employees require overdrive when engaging a large gear).

Mile High Club, Bridge Club, Etc said...

"...473 visitors could visit it per hour during peak times"

I wonder how some analyst sitting in a cube came up with that number.

"That's like me worrying I'm going to be mobbed with fans because I've got a new book coming out."

If the title of your new book is Karma Sutra, then it could happen.

Velo News reports that Cipo and a member of his women's team want to be the first couple to "inaugurate" the new span on a Bird of Prey.

wats7 said...

Is there any significance in that the Sauna Diana team bike has a bent top tube? Also I think the 2nd crouching guy on the left must be a Danish porn star ringer.

Dr. Demento said...

Nyack, slowly I turned...step by step...inch by inch...

Don't call me dude. said...

Scatterbrain

Lumpen Fredetariat said...

I get irritated by loud Fredly chatter as much as the next 'they're-Freds-I-am-just-a-bike-rider' bike rider, but every time I ride through Nicasio north of SF and see the signs by the road encouraging cyclists to be quiet because it upsets the poor locals, I want to scream, 'what, are human voices more disruptive to your peaceful bourgeois loafing than the endless dozens of Ducatis and Harleys that roar through every weekend?' Certainly it prejudices me against stopping in the town to give them any of my money. So there.

P. Bateman said...

- no sauna diana jerseys to be found on a certain auction site.

- those bikes they have are hot though. those pinarello's or de rosas?

- i have actually seen several roller bladers recently. is that shit coming back into style or is this just because i'm in florida and you can see all kinds of "vintage" modes of transportation like neon lighted low rider chevy s10's and such?

N/A said...

I'm going to motor-dope on my Zwift account. I've got a moped on my rollers. Jam your dongle into that!

P. Bateman said...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vvbOdtBo7ko/UwhWpiZ9CJI/AAAAAAAAWzI/sKpaOTJQesE/s1600/1509042_10152305575582223_440237097_n.jpg

Roille Figners said...

Great, who's this wonderful person?

N/A said...

I keep seeing the Marin Pine Scranus bieks all over the internets. I guess ever since an un-named semi-professional bike blogger has popularized it with his on-going evaluation of the model, it has really taken off. Why just this moment, I saw that the extracycle peeps can turn your Marin Pine Scranus into cargo biek!

schaughvn said...

adult level keyboard strike go to support Italian Moutntain bike team.
http://singletrackworld.com/2016/02/porn-site-sponsors-italian-mtb-team/

Anonymous said...

No words on the Milano Sanremo winner scandal?!?

Isambard Kingdom Brunel said...

The new Tappan Zee Bridge bike lane will be a fine thing for the people who use it, Freds or others.

But people should be aware how much it costs.

Now-a-days bridges of this sort generally cost $200 to $600 a square foot of deck area (I do this for a living). The pedestrian/bike part costs about the same as the motor vehicle part. The new bridge will be about 3 miles long, and the path will be 12’ wide (not counting the six "belvederes") so the back-of-the-envelope cost estimate is:

3 miles x 5280 ft/mile x 12’ wide = 190,080 square feet
X $200 per square feet = $38+/- million
X $600 per square feet = $114+/- million

Note many news articles refer to this study that claims the path costs $400 million.

I don’t know which number is correct, but this article claims the first 3 years of the NYC bicycle infrastructure program under Bloomberg/Sadik-Khan cost $8.8 million.

This may be outdated, but a few years ago it was believed turning the exsiting bridge into a ped/bike path would cost about $50 million, less then the $150 million it will cost to tear it down. Like the High Line improvements cost less than it would have cost to demo those bridges.

So as good as the new Tappan Zee bike/ped crossing may be, it does not seem like a good value compared what could be built elsewhere for the same money.

Anonymous said...

" no sauna diana jerseys to be found on a certain auction site. "

A year and a half ago this guy claimed to be selling them.

P. Bateman said...

i'm sorry, i don't speak german....despite power watching some Deutschland '83 last night.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC --

Can you please settle a bet?

My dog read today's post as confirming that Manhattan and Westchester aren't sending their best cyclists to Nyack and Rockland County locals are demanding a wall.

He thinks he sees a business opportunity.

Freddy Murcks said...

"Smart trainer"? That's fucking hilarious.

Freddy Murcks said...

Isambard Kingdom Brunel - Based on your numbers, it looks like it will cost a shit ton of money to build the ped/bike lane on the new Tappan Zee bridge. But I don't see how you conclude that it's a waste of money. It costs an even bigger shit ton of money to build the car decks. Why is it good money for the cars that spew shit into the air and lead to thousands of preventable deaths every year, but it's concluded to be a waste for people who, God forbid, like to use human powered transportation?

P. Bateman said...

i thought about a lunch time ride but its 62 degrees out! no f'ing way i'm going out in that weather. plus i have no idea where my scarf, mittens and parka are.

Fred Fruitloops said...

Way back in the peloton today but enjoyed very much the Sauna Diana coverage and comments.

Infrastructure costs are going to be through the roof, but less expensive than new aircraft carriers.

Eric C. said...

Wow! Huge fan of Bike Snob NYC *and* I work at Zwift! It's a bit ridiculous, sure, but I feel honored that we've been mentioned in the blog at all :)

Anonymous said...

"i'm sorry, i don't speak german"

https://translate.google.com/translate?sl=nl&tl=en&js=y&prev=_t&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&u=http%3A%2F%2Fhetiskoers.nl%2Fsaunadianakledij%2F&edit-text=

Not speaking German ---> nothing to feel sorry about.

Mistaking Dutch for German ---> Most all Dutch people think that is pretty sorry.

Anonymous said...

There was a cat 3 racer in Alberta likr 10 years ago who somehow got away with wearing a sauna Diana jersey while racing. I thought the jersey said a considerably more wholesome "Sauce Diana", like a delicious Italian pasta sauce. I'm thankful now that my opinion that guy was a giant douche is now justified. Thankyou bike snob.

Major VVald said...

Hej Snob - I have a L/S Sauna Diana jersey it is spectacular. Great team kit and man I miss those giant chainrings!

Roille Figners said...

That would be sweet if they leave the old Tappan Zee there and turn it over to the people. Didn't they do that in Florida somewheres Bateman? (Didn't they tell you, you've been appointed the spokesman for the whole state!)

They should do that with all obsolescent infrastructure when it can't handle cars anymore - just leave it there and turn it over to the bieks. That's what'll happen in the apocalyptic future anyway right?

Anders Hustvedt said...

Jebus, Wildcat, just move to Portland already. We have light-rail-served access to hundreds of miles of bike-friendly rural roads, and the small towns on our routes are happy to take our money without getting their refined sensibilities in a twist.

joe s said...

The new bridge, according to the website, will have "chamfered towers". Is this Eric "the Chamferer"s greatest work to date?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anders Hustvedt,

If cycling were my only criteria for choosing a place to live I'd obviously move, but life is more complicated than that.*

--Wildcat Rock Machine

*And if it were my only I'd probably leave the country altogether.

P. Bateman said...

@Roillee - yes, they did do that. I am currently managing 2 bridges of the intercoastal waterways.

I ask people three questions:

-whats your favorite colour?

-what is your favorite position?

-are you voting for trump?

the first two don't count. if they say NO to trump then OFF THEY GO!

Rare bicyclist who likes buses said...

well here is a bus over the Tappan Zee which will carry bikes in the luggage compartment for $3 which kinda sucks relative to a train, ferry, bike path, hitching and waiting for a car with a bike rack; but it sure beats swimming across the Hudson with your bike.

Trimp is goot (nein) said...

If you could get past the name, the Tour de Trump, without losing your lunch, and if you could somehow divorce the sporting event from the excess baggage that went with it—the Trump Princess, the Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino, the chest-Trumping cameos of King Donald himself, whose ideas for improving the Tour de Trump included adding a few laps around the White House and continuing the race to Los Angeles via Detroit, Chicago and San Francisco—what you had was a pretty nice bicycle race.

The funny thing was the communities along the route that took this race to their hearts and gave the Tour its charm—the New Paltzes (N.Y.) and Front Royals (Va.) and Allen towns (Pa.)—were as un-Trumpian as Montgomery Ward.

The whole thing would have been positively lovable had it been christened something a little less cheeky than 'Tour Day Trump," as public address announcer Jeff Roake kept pronouncing it. Tour of what? Trump's person? His bank account? His hat size? Forget that, the racers only had 10 days.

Not that Trump's name wasn't useful in putting all this together, as he so tactfully pointed out during a prerace press conference. When asked why he hadn't named the event—which was jointly sponsored by NBC Sports, Jefferson Pilot Teleproductions and the Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino—the Tour of America, the modest Trump replied, "We could, if we wanted to have a less successful race. If we wanted to down-scale it."

Peter Post, the manager for the Panasonic-Isostar team, echoed those sentiments, if in slightly less fluent English. "The name Trimp is goot in Europe," said Post. "Trimp's style is fantastic."

From that point the course became a maze of turns through Brigantine Island. If there had truly
None of which dampened the moment for Trump. Flushed—by what, his own presence?—the great man gushed, "We have a good chance of expanding the race. We are getting calls from every city on the East Coast, and they are willing to pay tremendous amounts of dollars to host us." "This thing has turned into a monster," said Trump.

Sounds like the very word.

BenDE said...

New bike new geometry: I rode over some glass yesterday and went to rub off any shards from the back tire after doing the same for the front. Placed my hand on the back tire using the downtube as a guide. The gap is apparently further than on my old bike. Anyway, I jammed my hand between the aforementioned objects, thereby rapidly halting the rotation of rear wheel. Now I know just how difficult it is to keep a bike upright with a seized rear wheel, left hand on the top tube and right hand located aft as if to catch the proverbial shit that was quickly filling my tight shorts.

I rode on as to not admit to my buddies that it was a big deal. Do I get some sort of a Fred prize for that? I know, the year is young, but.....

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Swift and Sauna Diana are developing a virtual brothel. The problem is the size of the dongle needed to participate.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Oops, Swift.

Boy Scout Knot Merit Badge said...

POC 537: Is the problem converting inches to metric, or vise versa, depending on the country the end user is in?

Anonymous said...

How many years did the Tour de Trump Flatulence roll for?

Spaceboy said...

Holy crap! I just realized non-plussed bib-shorts guy is another ingenious David Bowie character. Look at his eyes! It's Bowie, it's Bowie!!!

The Ninth Wonder of the World said...

TZB - Original proposal was for it to include a Metro-North Railroad lane to connect the MNRR lines on the E & W sides of the river. Estimates were that doing so would reduce motor vehicles going into the city by at least 30,000 per day. But, ah, what's a little CO2?

Three miles long with a bathroom at one end. Maybe the bathroom should be in the middle of the bridge.

donald j trump said...

BenDE, I can relate. Yesterday, I had my driver "accidentally" on purpose run over some muslims, and wouldn't you know it, they got stuck in the tires. I had to use my short-fingered vulgarian hands to help the driver clear away the mess.

But, as you say, no big deal...

Anonymous said...

Cop says we cannot ride our bikes/bmx, I lay down the law and tell him to beat it. And he does.

BamaPhred said...

Scranus.

Problem Child said...

You used the phrase "much more intresting" twice in the same paragraph, I have a problem with this. I need to get out more too it seems.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I believe the Tappan Zee Bridge is being replaced because it will fall into the Hudson River, not because a bigger bridge is needed. 50+ years of winter road salt and deferred maintenance - no scraping off rust and repainting - have seen to that. So it can't be left and given to cyclists, it needs to come down now.

More importantly, what will the new route that circles the Hudson in a loop through Manhattan, the Bronx, Westchester, the new TZB, Rockland County, Bergen County and the GWB back to Manhattan be called? My proposal is the Rim Ride.

Problem Child said...

Where'd that 'e' go?

Pokernet 88 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
McFly said...

What's up with all the bay windows on the double-decker Sauna Diana tour bus? Is it a rollin' peep show or wut?

The Amateur Transporter said...

This guy has written much about the BS of the TZ Bridge replacement. It is bad for so many reasons....
https://sites.google.com/a/thetappanzeebridgeisacancerinourmidst.com/a-cancer-in-our-midst/

The new bridge is a huge ego trip for our governor, who has diverted the credit crisis bank fines to keep motorist tolls low. And you thought the bank fines were going to be used to help those hurt by the banks? Or to alleviate the MTA funding crisis? Or to help build more housing in walkable, bike-friendly, transit-rich neighborhoods?

The worst part of the bike path is that it doesn't connect to any existing paths in Westchester. The North and South County Trails and the Old Croton Aqueduct Trail have no connections to the new TZ Bridge. All kids will have to be driven there.

It is basically a place for Governor Cuomo to hold press conferences without having to inconvenience motorists by blocking a car lane.