Friday, February 5, 2016

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz It's Snowing Outside Oh My God I Need A Fat Bike!!!

Do you like lights?  Do you like multitools?  Well, have you ever wished you could have both of those things together in one unwieldy object?  Me neither.  Nevertheless, here are some people who want $70,000 in order to sell you just that:


And while I'm not particularly taken with the product, I do give the inventors credit for making what very well may be the greatest entrance in the history of Kickstarter:


Incredibly, they've simultaneously managed to evoke a pair of supervillains welcoming you to their underground lair, and a pair of swingers welcoming you to their key party:


Either way, they're going to erase your memory before you leave:


Thank god for that.

Anyway, the way the combination bike light/multitool works is that you're riding along a path at dusk when you encounter a fellow rider in mechanical distress:


So you stop and offer assistance:


And which point she turns around and HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHE'S A ZOMBIE!!!


But she's a friendly zombie, and so you remove your combination bike light/multitool:


And proceed to overhaul her shifter in the dark:


Sure, it's 2016 and your smartphone probably already has a light in it, but Kickstarter isn't about stuff you need, it's about asking for large amounts of money so you can combine random stuff that hasn't been combined yet.

Then, when you get home, you can use it to open a box:


Even though you probably have a million other things in the house you could also use for this purpose, not to mention lights.

Also, you can keep it on the fridge:


Or hang it awkwardly from your wrist:


Or even shower with it:


By the end of the video, it became fairly clear to me that the inventors are indeed supervillains, and the combination bike light/multitool with its freaky eye and alien shape is actually some kind of mind control device:


Meanwhile, speaking of futuristic things you probably don't need, the mayor wants to build a streetcar along the Great Hipster Silk Route:


Mr. de Blasio said on Thursday that he planned to build a new streetcar line along the waterfront from Brooklyn to Queens, a stretch of real estate that now commands stupefying prices but offers almost no public transit options. “Not everybody rides bicycles,” observed Richard Ravitch, the former lieutenant governor.

Of course, streetcars would aid and abet the rampage of gentrification.

Not that more public transit isn't a good thing, but I really wish they'd stop making excuses for people when it comes to riding bikes.  Sure, I realize this is mostly a gift from de Blasio to the real estate developers, but I'd love to hear somebody in an official capacity say, "You people in this part of the city have subways, buses, bike lanes, and a shitload of Citi Bike stations.  How much more do you need?!?  Ride a friggin' bike already!"


Then, instead of lavishing more amenities on the Great Hipster Silk Route, they could build some light rail somewhere people really need it:


But I guess that wouldn't look snazzy enough in the renderings:


And to be fair the city would probably face a lot of opposition from people crying, "THEY'RE COMING TO GENTRIFY US!"

I'm sure by 2035 you'll be able to leave your million-dollar studio apartment in Astoria, check out a Citi Bike, ride it directly onto a streetcar, and ride right off it again in Brooklyn to your brunch in Sunset Park without touching foot to pavement.

I know what you're thinking:  "Yeah, right.  And they'll send a Canadian to the Moon."

Hey, it could happen.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see why cargo bikes are for "woosies."

Thanks very much, ride safe, and ride safely.


--Wildcat Rock Machine





1) Alleged motordoper Femke Van den Driessche's father and brother are currently facing charges for:

--Drug trafficking
--Tax evasion
--Loansharking
--Parakeet theft





2) What is this?

--An onboard cooling system
--The Spin Doctor Clean Machine Colon Cleaner from Nashbar*
--Helmet doping
--All of the above


*Enter discount code "IRRIGATEME" at checkout






3) Eddy Merckx rides an ebike.

--True
--False






4) Because they require different doping programs.

--True
--False





5) Why is this cyclist nonplussed?

--He showed up late for the bike polo match now everyone's already gone
--His helmet strap buckle keeps getting caught in his beard
--He's wearing a salad bowl on his head
--All of the above






6) I'm STILL not getting a fat bike.

--True
--False






7) Earn money while you ride by becoming a:

--Messenger
--Food delivery person
--Pedicab driver
--Human billboard


***Special Fred-By-Numbers Bonus Video!***

79 comments:

Dorothy RabinoBOT said...

Too many Ted K wins this week - had to fire the RabinoBOT back up.

PODIUM!
FUCK TEDK

BamaPhred said...

What?

eric? said...

Where's Ted? I was hoping to grab coffee

Ted K. said...

RESTRICTION OF FREEDOM IS UNAVOIDABLE IN INDUSTRIAL SOCIETY
114. As explained in paragraphs 65-67, 70-73, modern man is strapped down by a network of rules and regulations, and his fate depends on the actions of persons remote from him whose decisions he cannot influence. This is not accidental or a result of the arbitrariness of arrogant bureaucrats. It is necessary and inevitable in any technologically advanced society. The system HAS TO regulate human behavior closely in order to function. At work people have to do what they are told to do, otherwise production would be thrown into chaos. Bureaucracies HAVE TO be run according to rigid rules. To allow any substantial personal discretion to lower-level bureaucrats would disrupt the system and lead to charges of unfairness due to differences in the way individual bureaucrats exercised their discretion. It is true that some restrictions on our freedom could be eliminated, but GENERALLY SPEAKING the regulation of our lives by large organizations is necessary for the functioning of industrial-technological society. The result is a sense of powerlessness on the part of the average person. It may be, however, that formal regulations will tend increasingly to be replaced by psychological tools that make us want to do what the system requires of us. (Propaganda [14], educational techniques, “mental health” programs, etc.)

McFly said...

You could use that tool to cut the maple leaves off recumbabes perky muffins.

Anonymous said...

TED K. blocked me out...REFEREES!!!!

Anonymous said...

Top ten scrotium

Bryan said...

underserved neighborhoods? Surely you mean undeserving neighborhoods. Apparently my whole city is undeserving of good bicycle infrastructure. We have money and roadways planned to get upgrades as part of a penny tax program, and all the council wants to do is paint on some sharrows (on dangerous, high volume roads). Is it all a plot to get cyclists to give up and just lease a Hyundai?

Frickus Rungus said...

Does vetter make a heat-shield/fairing combo that would help with recumbent re-entry?

crosspalms said...

I'm still impressed that the key to my bike lock has a little red light built into it. I think they did it because they could, not because it's actually useful.

N/A said...

I think I speak for all of the commentariat when I say that we're all super excited to see what kind of fat bike you're getting, Wildcat.

Bob Patterson said...

Just think - if fat bikes become the norm, they will be called "bikes" and anything else will be called "skinny bikes"

streepo said...

Perfect quiz score and top twenty! That new motorized scranus paid off big time!

Roille Figners said...

Friday Funk Whiz: Who died this time? Maurice White, founder and leader of Earth, Wind & Fire. Not sure if you'll see it on the white-people news. Knowing what a pain in the ass it was keeping a band of just 4 people together, I fully encourage a hat tip to this guy who did it with like, what, 9 people? and pulled off shit like this, this, and more popularly this and this.

babble on said...

Wait, recumbabe is Canadian??

bad boy of the north said...

what's up with the paramecia in the "underserved neighborhoods" map?

dop said...

Fooled by a photoshop. I can't believe I watched that whole kickstarter video just to watch that woman in the shower. BTW...If I pressed my right ear against her soapy cleavage, I would get water in my left ear, which would sound like the ocean.

The kickstarter vid was otherwise wonderful, especially for fans of HOW IT'S MADE.

Tanks Snob, for the informative link to subway access.

balls™ said...

That photo of recumbabe makes me want to cover myself with poutine and roll around in her maple leaves.

Milton Berle said...

"Incredibly, they've simultaneously managed to evoke a pair of supervillains welcoming you to their underground lair, and a pair of swingers welcoming you to their key party"

Good one, Snob!

Another quote I'm going to have to steal...

Anonymous said...

When did Speed Racer get a bike????

Regular guy said...

The shower scene for the multi-tool sold me. She's my kinda girl. But the still you showed made me realize they missed the opportunity to put a soap dispenser on it.

More Multi-tool shower babe!

Anonymous said...



I had a Swiss Army knife with a small flashlight years ago. And as far as the bamboo schleppers, loggers in the Pacific Northwest think they are B.A.; they ain't got nothin' on the ones from Myanmar.

RPCV said...

"...you'll see why cargo bikes are for "woosies."

I know you didn't mean to but that video triggered a Peace Corps flash back.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Recumbenaut says It's full of stars.

Grump said...

One question about that bike light/multitool (with a compass in the stock).

Will it also slice bagels????

Anonymous said...

Watching Dave ride on EXPN after school in 6th grade single handedly got me into bmx.

I never looked back from there until this news. Maybe I'm just feeling extra emotional right now, but that fact might have saved my life.

I'm mixed, but raised by white parents after my father's coke-fueled self-destruction around the time of my birth. Their decision to deal with an all-around shitty situation was to leave it buried, and I never got an honest answer about my origin when I would get up enough courage to ask about it after teasings from my inquisitive classmates at my all-white school. All I wanted was to unequivocally fit in somewhere, but it was impossible to shake the feeling that I was an outsider looking in, even among family.

Cue Miracle Boy: Watching Dave do Dave Mirra things could get me so fucking hyped to ride. I set my heart on a Haro Mirra Flair and started cleaning at a church for $15 a weekend to scrape together the cash for it. If I had free time, I was either on my bike, working on my bike, or surfing mailorders to find the next thing to throw my weekly wage at. If I didn't have free time, I was thinking about bmx. Invariably.

Maybe entropy dictates that I would have found my thing no matter what, but the outlet that bmx provided took up a lot of time and energy that may have otherwise been spent dwelling on self-hatred, loneliness, confusion, and an easily triggered drive to self-harm. The culture that came with bmx and punk rock were also my developing brain's first tinkerings with the idea that it's ok to not fit in or to be ambiguous. For me, part of this was definitely teenage me rebelling against my situation, but that self-corrected as I moved toward what could later be described as absurdism. To this day, those thoughts about categorization, diversity, and belonging are still developing. I recon they'll torture me til the day I die. But Thank Mirra for the distraction that bmx provided me with during those years of adolescent instability.

BMX is something I rarely think about anymore, but it has been the single strongest formative force in my life, and I have Dave to thank for hucking me into it, as he tended to do with things.

mike said...

What are you on,mate?Did we ask you about BMX?No,so stop yer bleddy squawking,you clown.
Back in the real world,job well done,snobster.

mike said...

Yep,I realise poor bloke topped himsekf,but still,no need to burst an ovary about it on here.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Hey Recumbabe looks like she's in a Singapore Airlines commercial!

Great, soemthing else to contend with on the 3rd Avenue Flyover part of my route to / from NYC. They might actually have to FIX the potholes first in Sunset Park. The feasibility studies are for building bridges over the spans of the potholes. Truly Bridges to Nowhere. I wonder if Wild Cherry and the Corkscrew Lounge (pronounced cockscrew by those in the know) are still there. They would be worthy attractions to build rail traffic to see.
Red Hook is another disconnected place. This guy Bob Diamond tried to get a trolley service going from near the Fairway to Court Street. Red tape killed it. Centrally plan that Komrade DeBlasiosky.

The shower girl looks like she has some kind of Starship Troopers tattoo.

I wonder of the fallen crane is blocking a bike lane.

vsk

wats7 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wats7 said...

Hey! Last time I looked BMX takes place on a bike and I believe even Wildcat has some BMX DNA in his background.

Anonymous said...

Ride In Peace Dave Mirra!

grog said...

RECUMBABE!
Thank lob for that!
FUNK WIZZ

Anonymous said...

White people news and black music, huh? Easy bud, no need to ghettoize ewf - pretty sure they transcend your perception of them as making "race records". Sheez...

Regular guy said...

Oh, there was no shower scene in the video? I never watch the Kickstarter links, amateur video production gives me hives.

Still, more Multi-tool shower babe!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Coconut Head isn't non-plussed, he's obviously doped.

leroy said...

Well this is odd.

I forgot what I was going to say. I remember a light and something about an eye test though.

Oh well, ride safe all!

(I'd say "safely," but I'm avoiding adverbs assiduously. That much, I remember.)

Anonymous said...

Welcome back, CJ

Anonymous said...

mike, please go top yourself.

dancesonpedals said...

Anonymous at 1:11

Your story of being mixed leaves me shaken (but not stirred) by the tale of your father's coke-fueled destruction.

1904 Cadardi said...

I'm confused:
Lacuna (noun)
1. a gap or missing part, as in a manuscript, series, or logical argument; hiatus.

So are they creating a gap by putting advertising on bicycle panniers where no one will see them? Or is the gap in the logical argument that strapping iPads on bikes is a good idea? Actually, the name kind of makes sense now.


Glad to see all of the "all of the above" answers were correct. Whoohoohoo quiz speed achieved!

Schitty Pete said...

Mike,
You are a true shithead.

Some guy from upstate said...

Everyone knows you are not allowed to sell any sort of bike-related multi-tool if it does not include a bottle opener. I believe this is in the Code of Federal Regulations (10.CFR.700.28.C, "Bicycle Multi-Tools and Required Accouterments Thereof").

Reggie said...

Die already. We hate you

Freddy Murcks said...

Snob doesn't own a fat bike, he just has one on loan with no intention of ever returning it. Snob saying that he will never own a fat bike is about as valid as Snob saying that he will never own a Brompton (which is another bike that he has on loan with no intention of ever returning it).


{{I am just breaking your balls, by the way. I rode the fat bike that I own this morning on the snowy single track trails and it was a freakin' blast. Everybody should be so lucky.]]

mad man across the water said...

nice going mikey.....a blogger and nothing to blog......just to blather.don't get your knickers in a wad.

madman across the water said...

BMX=bicycle motocross.....ahem.

dancesonpedals said...

FOOD FIGHT FRIDAY!!

the Jimboner said...

I am in the geographical center of Brasil for carnival. Will give you a report on the Zikas next week.

clyde said...

finally after months of asking...... PARTIAL NUDITY thanks snob

Dooth said...

There's gotta be a way to smoke weed with that XO.

Old timer said...

PODIUM!

Ricky Ricardo said...

He's more humane than you. ..

Anonymous said...

I just saw a citibike in Jacksonville FL. No, we dont have a bike share. I would have snapped a pic but i was busy driving the Scion that the bank ownes until i pay it off. Just thought some in NYC would like to know.

Anonymous said...

The enlightened few realize that the modern bicycle itself is perfectly capable of doubling as a bottle opener. Just look long and hard at a chainring... SPD pedals? Thats 101 level shit. Cheers!

Bogusboy said...

There are still poor people in NYC????? How can they afford to live there?????

Leaf It To Beaver said...

Re. Recumbabe,
I can't wait until Autumn when the foliage drops.

Anonymous said...

Reading your comments about that ridiculous multi-tool reminded me of Bicycle Repair Man - worth visiting (or revisiting)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxfzm9dfqBw

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Where is the Saturday post?

leroy said...

Dear Mr. POC -

The Saturday post comes out in the evening. Why else would it be called the Saturday Evening Post?

Pux Phil said...

61st!!! I could have been a contender if I'd got out of bed yesterday.

Ta Tas to the Left of Me, Ta Tas to the Right of Me, Here I Am said...

Three Maple Leafs are two too many. Actually, I like Herb Alpert's "Whipped Cream and Other Delights" album cover better anyway.

dancesonpedals said...

I could sing "Oh Canada" and she would stand up. With my luck, the leaves are glued on.

Anonymous said...

Misanthropic Drunken Loner

JLRB said...

The opening beers with bicycle parts ends here.

Welcome back recumbababe - even if you are floating in space like Major Tom - when are you going to come down? When are you going to land?

Reggie said...

Watch out you'll get white powder on your junk mail, Ricky

Anonymous said...

So you're saying the totally non-racist mainstream news devoted mucho airtime to Maurice's passing?

babble on said...

Mr dop - your profile picture has seen a number of strange evolutions these past few days...

Roille Figners said...

Hey Anonymous at 2:19 - the words you're trying to put in my mouth indicate you are very confused and that you object to my calling out the news media as being white. (Namely being owned & controlled by white people and biased toward white people.) Well, did you hear about Maurice White on the news or not? How about David Bowie? Anon 4:31 knows what's up. Whereas you missed the point about 3 different ways (including "hey click these links and go appreciate this guy's music right now" which you didn't do, did you?) and hijacked it to talk about your own shit and project it on me. With me as your evil sock puppet you could probably get a lot of repressed stuff off your chest. Keep going - what else did "I" say? What other of "my" perceptions would you like to inform me of?

Anonymous said...

#70 - Dang, missed being 69 under Babble by one digit. Oh, well....

dancesonpedals said...

Babble-

I was surprised to see the google/blogger option pop up. I used a picture of Ronald Coleman as Sydney Carton I had on my computer. (don't ask) ok, you did. My first wife & her friends were obsessed with Ronald Coleman, to the extent that one had a cat named Smith, named after RC's character in Random Harvest. I liked him as the burned out, cynical artist in light that failed & the burned out, cynical lawyer in tale of two titties (cities?). But I'm not going to the guillotine for anybody.

On more reflection, I took a photo off my phone. I had been riding in an elevator with my daughter, and I was behind a woman with a large Totoro tattoo. My daughter was I front of the woman and couldn't see it. I didn't want to embarrass anyone, so I snapped the photo & showed it to my daughter, while I pointed to the woman's back.

babble on said...

Well aren't you the hip, happening Daddy-O? I had no idea whatsoever who Totoro was till this very afternoon, though my little guy was happy to enlighten me. :-|

Thank you for indulging me. :)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Who the fuck is Totoro? I thought you said she had a Toronto tattoo...

dancesonpedals said...

This sort of thing is part of the free entertainment we get in NYC. A google search of totoro tattoo shows the variety that are out there.

WIWM- You can't spell Toronto without Totoro

Anonymous said...

Did you see that SNL bit of Larry David doing Bernie Sanders? Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

Bernie Sanders doing Larry David doing Bernie Sanders

bad boy of the north said...

anon@1250
how did you find that nugget?and,yes,i did see snl with larry/Bernie.

inpomu said...

hatur nuhn bapa

Menu Salad Untuk Diet
inpomu

Mr. Doom said...

You can't fight n+1, give in to the dark side.

Mr. Doom said...

Beautiful words my brother from another mother. Cycling saves the body and soul for many of us, thanks for sharing.