And while I'm not particularly taken with the product, I do give the inventors credit for making what very well may be the greatest entrance in the history of Kickstarter:
Incredibly, they've simultaneously managed to evoke a pair of supervillains welcoming you to their underground lair, and a pair of swingers welcoming you to their key party:
Either way, they're going to erase your memory before you leave:
Thank god for that.
Anyway, the way the combination bike light/multitool works is that you're riding along a path at dusk when you encounter a fellow rider in mechanical distress:
So you stop and offer assistance:
And which point she turns around and HOLY FUCKING SHIT SHE'S A ZOMBIE!!!
But she's a friendly zombie, and so you remove your combination bike light/multitool:
And proceed to overhaul her shifter in the dark:
Sure, it's 2016 and your smartphone probably already has a light in it, but Kickstarter isn't about stuff you need, it's about asking for large amounts of money so you can combine random stuff that hasn't been combined yet.
Then, when you get home, you can use it to open a box:
Even though you probably have a million other things in the house you could also use for this purpose, not to mention lights.
Also, you can keep it on the fridge:
Or hang it awkwardly from your wrist:
Or even shower with it:
By the end of the video, it became fairly clear to me that the inventors are indeed supervillains, and the combination bike light/multitool with its freaky eye and alien shape is actually some kind of mind control device:
Meanwhile, speaking of futuristic things you probably don't need, the mayor wants to build a streetcar along the Great Hipster Silk Route:
Mr. de Blasio said on Thursday that he planned to build a new streetcar line along the waterfront from Brooklyn to Queens, a stretch of real estate that now commands stupefying prices but offers almost no public transit options. “Not everybody rides bicycles,” observed Richard Ravitch, the former lieutenant governor.
Of course, streetcars would aid and abet the rampage of gentrification.
Not that more public transit isn't a good thing, but I really wish they'd stop making excuses for people when it comes to riding bikes. Sure, I realize this is mostly a gift from de Blasio to the real estate developers, but I'd love to hear somebody in an official capacity say, "You people in this part of the city have subways, buses, bike lanes, and a shitload of Citi Bike stations. How much more do you need?!? Ride a friggin' bike already!"
Then, instead of lavishing more amenities on the Great Hipster Silk Route, they could build some light rail somewhere people really need it:
But I guess that wouldn't look snazzy enough in the renderings:
And to be fair the city would probably face a lot of opposition from people crying, "THEY'RE COMING TO GENTRIFY US!"
I'm sure by 2035 you'll be able to leave your million-dollar studio apartment in Astoria, check out a Citi Bike, ride it directly onto a streetcar, and ride right off it again in Brooklyn to your brunch in Sunset Park without touching foot to pavement.
I know what you're thinking: "Yeah, right. And they'll send a Canadian to the Moon."
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see why cargo bikes are for "woosies."
Thanks very much, ride safe, and ride safely.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) Alleged motordoper Femke Van den Driessche's father and brother are currently facing charges for:
2) What is this?
--An onboard cooling system
--The Spin Doctor Clean Machine Colon Cleaner from Nashbar*
--All of the above
*Enter discount code "IRRIGATEME" at checkout
3) Eddy Merckx rides an ebike.
4) Because they require different doping programs.
5) Why is this cyclist nonplussed?
--He showed up late for the bike polo match now everyone's already gone
--His helmet strap buckle keeps getting caught in his beard
--He's wearing a salad bowl on his head
--All of the above
6) I'm STILL not getting a fat bike.
7) Earn money while you ride by becoming a:
--Food delivery person
***Special Fred-By-Numbers Bonus Video!***