Wednesday, January 6, 2016

First Wednesday of 2016, so make it count!

Bike been stolen lately?



Allow me to direct your attention to the right-hand margin of this very blog, where sponsor State Bicycle Co. will give you $100 off if you've been the victim of a bike theft.

So dry those tears and get shopping, because getting violated by a methamphetamine addict could be the ticket to the fixie of your dreams!

Speaking of violations, further to yesterday's post about the cycling hellscape that is New South Wales, Australia, I'm afraid I inadvertently perpetuated a misquote:

Bicycle NSW said...

It must be noted that Ray Rice, CEO of Bicycle NSW was misquoted in the Sydney Morning Herald. Bicycle NSW has consistently through the Committee process voiced our opposition to the fines and ID proposals. 
If you would like a quote from Ray Rice please read our CEO's letter to members for our position.

From that letter:

1/  A massive increase in some cycling fines, to bring them to equivalence with vehicle fines.   Let us be very frank on this matter – Bicycle NSW have consistently, both in committee and publicly, voiced our opposition to this measure, and will continue to do so.

And:

2/  Bicycle riders must compulsorily carry photo ID.  At Bicycle NSW we recognise that many riders already carry ID.  We encourage this.

However, we see that making it mandatory for those over 18 years old to carry photo ID (Drivers Licence or NSW Photo Card) as unnecessary and a possible disincentive for some people to ride.

Given this, I hope Bicycle NSW accepts my sincerest apologies:



That ought to teach me to believe anything I read in an Australian newspaper.

And while we're on the subject, it's worth noting that Australia is clearly in the grip of an insidious Fred cabal:

Anonymous said...

It's not just the bicycling NSW dicks who are being real dicks about the Draconian new laws in New South Wales, there is also megadick Mark Textor who is a massive Fred and an infamous push polling exponent who has worked for many of the most obnoxious right wing nutjob parties in Australia, the U.K. and Canadia being an ultra dick about it.

He heads the outfit that was pushing for the 1 metre pass law and he heralded the introduction of that law while completely ignoring all the other fascist new laws designed to suppress cycling here. Of course, he had to remain silent because it was cycling's favourite troglodyte, Duncan Gay, who introduced these laws and he comes from the same side of politics as Mark Textor.

Textor is best known to the general public for tweeting that the Indonesian foreign minister resembles a Filipino porn star. Which may sound pretty harmless except this was at a time when he was a senior advisor to since deposed Prime Minister Tony Abbott (who is also a massive dick and Fred) at a time of very tense relations between Australia and Indonesia.

He studiously avoided media exposure until he was ambushed on the grounds of Parliament house in Canberra one time:



We are obviously in big trouble here and we desperately need your help. Let's make a deal, if you help us out we won't highlight the fact that Textor is wearing a Brooks backpack in that video…

Well, at least he's also not wearing a Criterion jacket:


Though I did do a little bit of research, and indeed the guy is a massive Fred with a shitload of bikes:


About 10 are in storage, including some ex-Tour de France Pinarellos, but Textor says the rest are mostly good to go, needing little more than fresh air in the tyres.

Yes, I can't stress this enough: if the air in your tires is more than three days old, MAKE SURE YOU SWAP IT OUT FOR FRESH AIR!

Oh, not only is he a massive Fred, but he's also a Recumbent Fred:

One of his special interest is recumbents – the bike that looks like it's crossed with a La-Z-Boy chair.

"If you've got a long, open ride and you're by yourself, you're bonkers if you didn't ride a recumbent," he says. "You can go all day, and you're fatigued, but you're not hurting. That's why you get hooked on them. They're comfortable and they're bloody fast."

If long rides on an upright bicycle is "bonkers" then I guess that makes me Charles Manson:



Though to maximize the dork factor of your next recumbent ride you should also be sure to wear some smart glasses:



Until now bleeding-edge Freds who want to look at data instead of scenery have had to wear dedicated optical units, but thanks to Garmin's new Varia Vision that clips right onto your current shades you're now one crucial step closer to simply being able to slip a "smart suppository" right up your own ass:



Yes, thanks to Varia Vision you can now keep your focus forward:


Of course, you could have always kept your focus forward, but before now you wouldn't have been inundated by ride data:


Text messages:

Performance alerts:


And of course precise updates on the ecosystem forming inside your chamois:


It's also great for commuters:



Thanks to "Varia Radar:"


I had to look that one up, and it's basically just a "smart" helmet mirror:




Getting Hit From Behind is Leading Cause of Cycling Fatalities in U.S.²

The threat is real. That’s why getting some extra help knowing what’s sneaking up behind you is an important breakthrough. You already use caution and check over your shoulder, especially before making turns, but Varia radar gives you an important tool by watching behind you even when you aren’t.

Okay, so instead of getting run into a ditch you can now save drivers the trouble and steer yourself into it before they overtake you.

Lastly, Bono continues to have a sense of humor about his horrible bike crash:

 

Wonder if he'll be wearing smart glasses.

63 comments:

Dorothy RabinoBOT said...

I am an arsehole great aunt

McFly said...

#nobabe

Anonymous said...

What up!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium?

Ted K. said...

Note 16. (Paragraph 95) When the American colonies were under British rule there were fewer and less effective legal guarantees of freedom than there were after the American Constitution went into effect, yet there was more personal freedom in pre-industrial America, both before and after the War of Independence, than there was after the Industrial Revolution took hold in this country. We quote from “Violence in America: Historical and Comparative Perspectives,” edited by Hugh Davis Graham and Ted Robert Gurr, Chapter 12 by Roger Lane, pages 476-478:

“The progressive heightening of standards of propriety, and with it the increasing reliance on official law enforcement (in 19th century America) ... were common to the whole society.... [T]he change in social behavior is so long term and so widespread as to suggest a connection with the most fundamental of contemporary social processes; that of industrial urbanization itself....”Massachusetts in 1835 had a population of some 660,940, 81 percent rural, overwhelmingly preindustrial and native born. It’s citizens were used to considerable personal freedom. Whether teamsters, farmers or artisans, they were all accustomed to setting their own schedules, and the nature of their work made them physically independent of each other.... Individual problems, sins or even crimes, were not generally cause for wider social concern....”But the impact of the twin movements to the city and to the factory, both just gathering force in 1835, had a progressive effect on personal behavior throughout the 19th century and into the 20th. The factory demanded regularity of behavior, a life governed by obedience to the rhythms of clock and calendar, the demands of foreman and supervisor. In the city or town, the needs of living in closely packed neighborhoods inhibited many actions previously unobjectionable. Both blue- and white-collar employees in larger establishments were mutually dependent on their fellows; as one man’s work fit into anther’s, so one man’s business was no longer his own.

“The results of the new organization of life and work were apparent by 1900, when some 76 percent of the 2,805,346 inhabitants of Massachusetts were classified as urbanites. Much violent or irregular behavior which had been tolerable in a casual, independent society was no longer acceptable in the more formalized, cooperative atmosphere of the later period.... The move to the cities had, in short, produced a more tractable, more socialized, more ‘civilized’ generation than its predecessors.”

Anonymous said...

MAW

wishiwasmerckx said...

Fuck you, anon 10:34.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

In the tennus !!

vsk

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk also said ...

Very happy with the Third Eye clip on rearview mirror. It's sooooo analog.
Works really great and cheap. Also helps with braking technique against the Cat6 wheelsuckers.*

*who am I kidding. People in my lane avoid me because they think I am going backwards.

vsk

streepo said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

Seems like Ted K only returns when scranular conditions are mentioned.

cdinvb said...

Guy came to the door selling magazine subscriptions. Had a blue bin. Said he's with the team. And his name is Fred.

samh said...

Ultra dick.

NHcycler said...

Now that it's finally getting cold around here, I've replaced the air in my tires with the winter formula. It contains an extra percentage of soot from the wood burning stoves and hot air from the excess politicians we've been tolerating around here. It doesn't lessen my commuting time any, but it does add to the effort in reducing global warming.

N/A said...

I quit using air in my tires, it was beginning to be too much trouble. I replaced it with icing.


Also, Wildcat, you accidentally spelled "helmet" correctly up there.

N/A said...

Buttercream icing, in case anybody was wondering. It's best for loaded touring.

NHcycler said...

I thought "loaded touring" had to do with whiskey or the like...

Anonymous said...

Old air has less rolling resistance, but at the expense of comfort.

dnk said...

There was a band playing in my head
And I felt like getting high.

I was thinking about what a
Fred had said.
I was hoping it was a lie.

Thinking about what a
Fred had said.
Was hoping it was a lie.

Anonymous said...

20th, I fell asleep at the start!

Old timer said...

Whoa! El NiƱo is paying a visit to Central California. Lots of rain! Cycling…not so much.

Anonymous said...

Bono's little girl done got all growed up.

Lectrichead said...

Icing? Damnit, I give up - I can't keep up with the newest biking technology any more.

3G said...

I guess if you're going to tout some sort of "vision" product you might want to cut back on the out of focus shots.

CommieCanuck said...

Wait... I can buy The Edge™'s rice cooker? Fuck the bike ride with the leprechaun.

Gene Rottenberry said...

TedK's fantasies consisted almost entirely of anal rape scenarios, which is why he was so eager to get himself thrown into prison so he could spend some quality time with a big, black cock shoved up his ass. As a result, he was unusually disappointed when he found out they were sending him to the supermax and that he would live out his term in almost total isolation. Nevertheless, he is spending his time in isolation trying to figure out if he can fuck himself in the ass.

Vernal Magina said...

Slow release, bring you down gradually.

leroy said...


My dog got me a good price on a heart rate monitor that looks just like a Third Eye clip on rearview mirror.

He says I can monitor my heart simply by breathing on the mirror and seeing if it fogs.

No confusing numbers to interpret.

ken e. said...

"not quiet dead yet!"

P. Bateman said...

can i stream porn using VariaVision? or should my kickstarter be a knock-off called VaginaVision?

i would support a project like that, especially if it includes Bono's daughter's vagina.

@Gene - i find your assumption that it will be big and black cock a tinge bit sizesist and racist.

Anonymous said...

My Ted's back and you're gonna be in trouble [if you're on his mailing list]
(Hey la, hey la, my Ted's back)
When you see him comin' you better cut out on the double [definitely]

Anonymous said...

The VariaVision is scary, what with that colorway scheme. How do you see the f'ing potholes in the road?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sweet murdered out tandem Bono's got there. Seems like a ride in Central Park on it would be kinda pain in the ass with having to stop for red lights and such.

Anonymous said...

Rain of truly biblical proportions fell yesterday in S. Cali.
Bike Ride, only if you have wanted to be swept into a storm drain.
Another big front on the way for later today.
I wonder if Noah's Ark will float by?

Anonymous said...

I think these new glasses will be a boon to safe riding. Add these new techies to the assholes wearing earbuds and now there will even more riders that I can blow right by on the bike path without being noticed until I'm passed them. Silly little bells and shouting "On your left" just spook the average rider and makes them unpredictable.

Gene Rottenberry said...

P. Bateman - Not racist or sizist, per se. I merely heard that TedK was into black dudes and that he likes it BIG. If he weren't into the biggies, he could have just gotten his his jollies by shoving pencils up his ass (which he did a lot of while he was living in that cabin in the woods, but he ultimately decided that something with a bit more girth and a lot more throb was going to be necessary).

McFly said...

The yellow bike of the quartet....the one in the top left.....it does not have a downtube and it's freaking me out a little bit. I had to have another glance at Eve Hewson just to steady my nerves.

Bryan said...

I finally figured out what bothers me so much about the picture of the duder wearing smart glasses (beyond him wearing smart glasses) - he is on a bike and looks like he is having absolutely zero fun. Even roadies and tri dorks have more fun than he looks like he is having!

JB said...

McFly, surely you seen Slingshot bikes before? No downtube needed. Since it's mainly in tension, it can be replaced with a cable.

Anonymous said...

18 months with a sadistic German physio? No Rad Farht there for sure.

P Bateman @ 12:49, can the porn be disabled on Vagina Vision? The Kickstarter campaign should have a broad-band of support, so to speak.

N/A said...

Red Farts signal danger ahead!

1904 Cadardi said...

Winning the Bono contest would go something like this:

Bono: So, what's yer favorite album?
Me: None of yours.
Bono: Umm, then shall we go for a bike ride?
Me: Sure, but I'm captain.
Bono: Probably for the best.

JB said...

Great. Now I like Bono again.

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

megadick Mark Textor...page me, you got my digits.

CommieCanuck said...

"Seems like a ride in Central Park on it would be kinda pain in the ass with having to stop for red lights and such."

No problem, with those blue-tinted glasses, the lights are just purple. He wears glasses all the time because glaucoma. I guess they don't have weed in Ireland.

P. Bateman said...

@anon - of course the porn could be disabled.

there is an auto function that switches to family photos, stock market reports or to articles in Pacific Standard anytime it detects that your wife, children or co-workers are nearby.

it also blue tooth'es to your headphones so you can enjoy high quality sound.

P. Bateman said...

@TedK - there is also an XL version that will be the best model for enjoying the steamy BBC

Anonymous said...

Don't be all pissy cause I figured out this shit drops around the halfway point of hoda and cathy lee. I'll be back to work in a couple weeks. Love, Stimo.

Roille Figners said...

OK I gotta ask - how cume the surveillance video jumps & dodges around like it's being held shittily by a HUU MON? Aren't those things normally ah, mounted?

Govt Mule said...

PB 1249 "VaginaVision" Get it up on Kickstarter before the right wing militia occupying the NWR in Oregon scatters, undoubtably they'll all contribute if you can connect with the hateful eight while their all cooped up in a cabin together.

JLRB said...

Ted's bacK!

I left my bike next to the water in Paris Anyone seen it?

P. Bateman said...

they get ran into a dee-itch?

m and m said...

Looks like those dork glasses create a massive fucking blind spot in your vision. Hope you don't need to focus on anything approaching from your right. Ever

Anonymous said...

Hello again, it's the same "anonymous" from yesterday who has had their comments regurgitated by a lazy Snobby today. Copy and paste a pretty sweet way to fill out those column inches, for sure, makes Snobby all the more loveable.

Anyway, I just dropped by again to suggest you not be too apologetic to Bicycling NSW. They are bunch of self promoting hucksters who are not representative of the broader New South Wales cycling community and who are increasingly alienating their declining membership with their impotent advocacy.

They fraternise with the enemy and the last thing you'd associate them with is opposing the Draconian measures steadily being introduced by the New South Wales government's resident evil ogre, Duncan Gay.

Indeed, the most vocal they've been on this issue since they were "misquoted" has been "correcting the record" here in the Snobby comments yesterday. And curiously, they seem to have taken it rather personally, more concerned about personal reputations than the greater issue, I mean, why exert all this energy on a minor inaccuracy in far away Snobbystan while doing absolutely nothing in the belly of the New South Wales beast where the war will be won or lost? But almost certainly lost with ineffectual dicks like bicycle NSW leading the charge.

Disclaimer: I am not a member of or affiliated to any cycling organisation, club or association or a political institution of any description etc; I think everyone and everything is shit, therefore you can be certain my comments are impartial and unimpeachable.

BamaPhred said...

Scranus

P. Bateman said...

@anon - sorry about all this hub bub in New South Wales.

if it helps at all, its been raining a lot here in old middle florida and so i've jumped on this making a murderer bandwagon and i have independently found some compelling new evidence:

the hot reporter with the glasses is named Angenette and she's put on a few pounds but also saved a kidnapped child, so.... there's that.

hope that helps...?

Guy Y said...

I will confirm that Anonymous is pretty much right in his comment above about Bicycle NSW. I also think Snob should retract his apology.

I think it strange that Rice/BNSW would even bother to claim he was 'misquoted' to a blog on the other side of the world. He/they are also not very clear about what was misquoted. I assume it was this comment originally from the Sydney Morning Herald:

"The increased fines and requirement for identification, Mr Rice said, would not have a huge affect on cyclists as 90 per cent already carried identification and 70 per cent already wore helmets."

(a comment that I find repugnant for its callous disregard of 30% of cyclists who don't wear helmets – soon liable for a 450% increase in fine to AUD$319 – thats US$223 at current exchange rates).

Thing is, the Sydney Morning Herald is a long-running respected newspaper and they have not published a retraction. BNSW have not claimed a misquote on their own website or anywhere else than in their letter to Snob. So I call shenanigans.

Their claim they have been consistent in regard to these rule changes and fine increases is also bullshit. The first public comment they released on the 21st was "“Bicycle NSW agrees that safer roads is the joint responsibility of all road users. However, if fines are to be raised to such a high level, then bike riders need to be treated fairly in terms of road design,” said Mr Rice." Ok, sounds like you accept the fine increases then... it was only on the 22nd when the backlash hit that Rice used stronger words against the fine increases.

But, I would love it if BNSW gets their act together and does maintain an defence against Duncan Gay our Roads Minister and these idiotic changes. They at least have had a wishy washy, occasionally neutral position on the helmet law. Their competitor Bicycle Network – a Victorian advocacy group trying to expand into NSW and grab those mass-ride dollars and funding from state and motoring bodies – is aggressively pro mandatory helmet law. Our other advocacy groups, like Mark Textor's Amy Gillet Foundations, involved in these changes are just as bad in that they have positions that only serve sports/recreational cyclists.

The bicycle advocacy in Australia its absolutely fucking toxic, just as bad as our modal share and road culture.

Anonymous said...

An old video but one that still that enables one to:

- Marval at the lengths people will go to expand human achievement.
- Ridicule the lengths people will go to expand human achievement.

dop said...

But Snob's apology was so sincere...he could never step back from that.

Just a Hubbub in a Hot Tub down under.

bad boy of the north said...

Ah...on amtrak.bound for beautiful utica.all biz,no fun.

Anonymous said...

bike nsw = bike not safe for work?

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