Monday, November 2, 2015

The Farce Is Strong With This One

First of all, just in case you have a life and weren't glued to your computer or smartphone all weekend, you may have missed my Very Special Brooks England Blog Halloween Post:

If you did miss it, please go read it now.

I'll wait.

You done yet?


Speaking of Halloween, I went to Target this weekend to purchase a few sacks of tooth rot for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters and was floored to spot this Star Wars-branded fat bike:

Complete with this absolutely "epic" rear V-brake:

That's a two-noodler right there.

In fact I don't even think you can call that a V-brake.  It's so big it's more of a W-brake.

Anyway, I'm not sure if 299.99 is the price in dollars or the weight in pounds, though I wouldn't be surprised if it's both:

Just make sure you never, ever ride at night, and that you do WEAR A HELME(n)T!!!

Just think how much worse off Dark Helmet would have been had he not been wearing his:

He went head-first right into the control panel with only some wooziness and a pair of cracked spectacles to show for it, so if you need any more proof that helme(n)ts save lives then you deserve whatever happens to you.

By the way, not only is this a Star Wars-themed fat bike, but it's a limited edition Star Wars-themed fat bike:

Clearly I had a big decision to make: do I buy the fat bike, or do I buy the "Mensch on a Bench" Hanukkah action figure a few aisles over?

I'm not telling you which one I ultimately chose, but if you guessed "both" you're 100% correct.

As for Halloween itself, I'd go so far as to say that there's no more wonderful and exciting place in the world than New York City to celebrate it with children--assuming you survive:

A Bronx street packed with Halloween trick-or-treaters turned into a real-life scene of horror Saturday when a car plowed into a group of costumed revelers — killing three people, including a 10-year-old girl.

A cluster of adults and children carrying pumpkin-shaped buckets were strolling along Morris Park Ave. around 4:50 p.m. when an out-of-control Dodge Charger vaulted the sidewalk, authorities said.

I was absolutely devastated to read this after an evening of trick-or-treating, but I took solace in the fact that the police were moving swiftly to absolve the driver:

Who may have been on "anti-seizure medicine:"

The Bronx driver who plowed into a group of trick-or-treaters on Halloween, killing three, had been on anti-seizure medicine and was seen convulsing just before the crash, police sources told The Post on Sunday.

Investigators “believe he had some sort of seizure,” a high-ranking source said of Howard Unger, 52. “He was driving, and he might have started his seizures, and he bumped the car in front of him . . . Some witnesses said they saw him violently shaking right before the accident.”

If this is true and not some Armstrong-esque "backdated TUE" stunt, I'd love to know whether or not he notified the Medical Review Unit:

How a medical condition can affect your driver license

All drivers are required to answer the following questions when they apply for or renew their driver license. The information below explains what happens if the driver answers "yes" to the question.

Have you had, or are you currently receiving treatment or taking medication for any condition which causes unconsciousness or unawareness such as convulsive disorder, epilepsy, fainting or dizzy spells, or heart ailment?

If you answer yes to this question, you must send Physicians Statement for Medical Review form (MV-80U.1), completed by a qualified doctor, to DMV’s Medical Review Unit (MRU). The MRU will contact you with information, requirements and instructions.

By the way, check out this frightening list of driver license restrictions:

Jesus.  Where's the one for "Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway every Saturday?"

I'd also like to know exactly which Charger this guy was driving.  See, when that "killer cyclist" struck in Central Park the media made a point of describing the model and price of his bicycle, but how come we don't know more about the car the guy ON SEIZURE MEDICATION was driving?  There are various models of Chargers, most of them very powerful, which means it's possible a guy prone to seizures might be driving around the most densely-populated city in America in a 425hp car!  Why should that even be possible?

Well, because it's the American Way, as Chrysler and Bob Dylan will be happy to tell you:

Hey, fuck you, Bob.

I think the victims ought to sue his ass:

(Mensch on a Bench Trial)

Meanwhile, the Federal Highway Illustration spent the week before Halloween telling kids to wear reflective costumes:

Within 10 years it will be illegal to go trick-or-treating in a costume that doesn't include some kind of helme(n)t.


samh said...


Bryan Bracy said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Cloc said...

3rd loser

N/A said...

Yo' momma uses two noodles!

Dave said...


Dave said...

Ahh, missed again

N/A said...

I'm really not up-to-date on dick breaking technology, but aren't those tabs on the back of that fat bike for the dick break bits-and-pieces?

I'm gonna' get me a Star Wars fat bike, add some dick breaks, and get gnarly all up in Target's parking lot! I'm gonna' run my pressure real low and those speed bumps won't stand a chance. And then I'm gonna' go back into Target and get a bag of popcorn and some artisanal water.

Anonymous said...

Just missed.. eff me.

Bryan said...

Geeze. My BIL's ex wife is on anti seizure meds...I am pretty sure she isn't supposed to be driving at all, but gets away with it...driving around their 3 kids. Driving is no longer seen as a privilege in this country, it is seen as a right that everyone should have. Licenses need to be much harder to obtain and maintain.

Frickus Rungus said...

Lucky 13!

Dorothy Rabinowitz said...

Perineal Conditions: Haunted

Anonymous said...

Looks like the skeleton lost some telomeres too

dnk said...

Fuck you Bob. Indeed.

I didn't know about that super bowl ad, but then again I couldn't give a fuck about the fucking super bowl.

What a washed-up shithead.

P. Bateman said...

i'm pretty darn certain that Charger is from 2011 or 2012 or so, and its definitely the R/T so it would have 370hp.

stuffed into a shitty chassis that handles like garbage all wrapped in a body that says "i dropped out of highschool and love doing donuts in the parking lot of the Chile's that I bartend at"

really and awful story.

I Drive a Ford Grim Reaper said...

It would be more realistic if they named a car after Darth Vader. Or Jeffrey Dahmer. In fact most cars should be named after Vlad the Impaler, Charlie Manson, Jack the Ripper, etc.

Anonymous said...

That looks like a souped up Charger to me:fancy mag wheels,spoiler, special exhaust tips.

P. Bateman said...

the NY Daily had another photo - its definitely the R/T ...which i thought stood for Rally Trim but apparently stands for Run over Trick or Treaters or Ran out of Trileptal.

Roille Figners said...

Maybe it was the undead ghost of Kowalski? In life he drove a white Charger so "natch" it's black this time around. Oh wait a minute, that was a Challenger. OK so it was just some douchebag.

Roille Figners said...

Dodge Debt

Chevy Despair

Ford Rager, Super Futility

Choose your weapon said...

Chevy Impaler, Pierce Arrow, Mitsubishi Lancer, AMC Javelin (when you really want Big Air), Dodge Ram, Dodge Viper

N/A said...

The Lincoln Incontinental

JLRB said...

Sadness and despair .. the 'Merican way

Thoughts out to the families - like that means anything

streepo said...

Volkswagen UTI

JLRB said...

Seizure medicine should come with a bus pass and/or an Uber App

ElliptiGo Joe said...

Chevy Subhuman
Ford Extrusion

dop said...

I say render unto seizures the things that are seizures.

Not meant to condone asset seizure, Sid Seizure, or Seizure's Palace.

(Oxford comma fans feel wet)

clyde said...


Grump said...

That Charger can be had with 292, 370, 485, or 707 Horsepower engines. I wonder what "Mr. drive and Pass out" had?

ken e. said...

"ponderous man..." dig the glen porter track. running over trick or treaters, not so much.

Spokey said...

the hemorrhoids have licenses with restrictions too.

back in the 60s you carried separate auto and motorcycle licences. Sometime in the early 70s they combined them so you just carried one piece of paper. but it takes 18 decades to wake up the programmers long enough to redo the systems. so nj just stuffed the motorcycle endorsement in a 'restriction' box.

so i was moseying on down a local road in my '67 mustang convertible (of course with a posi rear end) when i saw a local gendarme pull out behind. this was back in the day when the police didn't like a) young drivers, b) mustang drivers, c) long hairs. so i made sure i was only doing the 25 mph speed limit.

unfortunately no one ever went the speed limit on that road. typical speed was probably about 45mph. so i got stopped anyway. i produced my license and registration and the cop is staring at it. and staring at it. and staring at it.

he just couldn't figure out where my peg leg was. yep nj was using code '05' (i think that's what it was) in one box for a motorcycle license and code '05' for a prosthetic device in the box next to it. and i wasn't getting away until i showed the cop i could unscrew my leg.

crosspalms said...

"American Pie" goes down easier in a dese, dem, dose accent: "Singin' dis'll be da day dat I die..."

Is that Moloch lusting after your Gunpowder in the last photo?

Anonymous said...

Volkswagon Grabbit. Ford Exploder.

Spokey said...

just wondering what the commentariat thinks.

found this on my voice mail this morning

Sunday | November 1, 2015 | 5:37 PM EST | 35 seconds
"Hello this is election day in Central New Jersey. This is andrew(?) slicker*. I'm a scientist at Princeton University and I'm running for the State assembly.

my first reaction was that i wouldn't vote for some dope who thinks we vote on sunday. but then i considered that such an imbecile might be an improvement in the nj legislature. so i thought i'd ask the learned commentariate for advice.

* zwicker but i forgive the comcast voice translation

Dooth said...

The douche in a Dodge.

Comment deleted said...

There's no point pursuing criminal action against the Charger driver, when it was clearly *the car* that committed the crime.

In other news, my lovely aluminum Marin steed of 9 years and 35,000 miles or so was stolen from in front of a store in broad daylight last week. Good thing I hadn't put the new Gatorskin on it earlier in the day like I wanted. That would have pushed me over the edge.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Mass Carring
Car control
Assault vehicle.

You don't need 425 horsepower to kill a deer!

Suppozubly the Charger and Mercedes E class have similar chassisisis owing to the Mercedes / Chrysler merger botch job. Now it's a Fiat combo so be sure and look for hemi powered Fiat 500 everywheel drive etc etc.

But the mediocre news is I'm over my cold and back to posting really crappy commute data on StraVA.

Awesome Brooks Post!


Darwin said...

Unfortunately if you're drunk, on drugs, have a seizure, or just a complete idiot you can do as much damage in a broken down Yugo as a Charger. If you're driving a 1200HP Bugatti Veyron and it ends up on the sidewalk it's not the car's fault. The loon who killed these people should be up on charges of vehicular manslaughter, at the least. If drunk or on drugs it should murder two.

ChamoisJuice said...

Dodge the father, Ram the daughter.

Just buy a robot car and sue the crap out of human drivers. Problem solved.

Apple is trying to have their robot car on the market by 2019.

I wanna get one for my folks. The old man's eyesight and reaction time are not what they used to be. At this point, it is more terrifying to be a passenger in his vehicle, than it ever was riding shotgun with 21 year old stoner chick on her cellphone.

Realistically, Dodge Charger drivers are not going to be trading in their penis compensation machines for sissy robot cars any time soon.

Imagine if the robot car had sex robot features. Instead of fighting traffic on your morning commute, just pull the shades on your apple car, lean back and enjoy automated road head.

Anonymous said...

the Brooks blog was funny, although I think the Dwayne Schneider pictorial reference may be lost on your average Brit.

P. Bateman said...

@comment deleted - sorry to hear about the marin. my ex-girlfriend that i'm up in charlotte visiting had an aluminum marin that was stolen from her rather fancy dancy condo parking garage here in downtown just a few weeks ago. Poor, poor Marins.

looking back i see now that that ain't much of a story and probably falls in the category of uninteresting, tripe comments, but i guess they can't all be winners.

BamaPhred said...


Comment deleted said...

Thanks, PB. Appreciate the thought. Your next comment will be gold, I'm sure.

Everbody said...

Limited edition? Limited by the number of molecules in the universe.

P. Bateman said...

make new comments, keep the old...some are silver and the others gold.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

yes, indeed... fuck you, bob. and while we're at it, fuck your car and fuck your guitar.

Freddy Murcks said...

I am sorry, but that is just fucking horrible. That it is not a crime in and of itself for a person with a seizure disorder to drive and then have the all too predictable seizure and deadly accident is just unbelievable. And that having a prescription for anti-seizure medication is tantamount to a free pass for vehicular mayhem is also pretty mind boggling.

That v-brake is pretty horrible too. It was pretty much the first thing I noticed about the Stare Wars Limited Edition Fat Biking Bikecycle.

Anonymous said...

The Fiat and Chrysler have worked together to create a large car that doesn't start.

dop said...

Jesus Chrysler. I forgot to sign my post.

mhl said...

Federal Highway Illustration? You're slipping Bikesnob...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Was it here that I learned that Fiat actually stands for "Fix it again, Tony?"

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and not to make light of such a tragedy, but they actually got hit by a Dodge?

N/A said...

Coincidentally: I noticed a listing today on that one guy's List for a "Very Rare" Star Wars Fatty Bike. On account of this amazing rarity, they felt $500 was a reasonable sum to ask.


PT Barnum said...

There's a sucker born every minute, you happened to be comin' along at the right time.

leroy said...

Comment Deleted -- Sorry to hear about the Marin. They're just bikes, but a wise man explained to me when mine was stolen why it's so infuriating: some scum bag rolled off with your memories.

Okay it was more of a wise guy who said that. (And I'm not saying who, but if you guessed a certain celebrity bicycle blogger, you'd be right.)

I'm looking forward to a new bike to replace my stolen commuter.

I was just about to order a new bike two weeks ago, when a doctor told me to put everything on hold.

I now have two carbon fiber upgrades in my heart (amazing what can be done so quickly and routinely) and am cleared to commute slowly on a Citibike starting next week. I will probably have no restrictions in a month.

I don't mean to brag, but I've also been told my heart is healthy enough for sex.

Of course, my dog points out my problem on that score was never my heart. It's a lack-of-personality disorder.

He makes a point about perspective. That Bronx crash breaks your heart in ways that can't be fixed.

Roille Figners said...

CD - sorry your shit got took! Shopping excuse!

"Is there anything more American than America?"

Technically yes: Japan. Japan is more American than America.

Anonymous said...

About the guy with the charger on seizure meds - i've seen more than my share of people with high performance sports cars and handicapped stickers. Riddle me this - how can a person with a handicap bad enough to have a special spot handle a stick-shift ground rocket?


Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

The power of Chrysler compells you!
The power of Chrysler compells you!!

104.3 FM actually played the WHOLE Exorcist theme song on Saturday / Halloween.
That shitz frikkin LONG. Never heard it for more than 15 - 20 seconds. After that you're just like, well how long are they really going to keep it going... Like 5 minutes or more.
Wait til Snobby releases the Alice's Restaurant Thanksgiving Day special.

Since all the Columbus Day bruu HaHa... is it PC to celebrate (take a day off from work) for T-G Day ??

Sr. Comment Deleted - sorry to hear about the bike theft. 35,000 miles ... was there anything still original to it besides the frame? That's well used right there...

Who doesn't know Snyder ?? Although you should have put up some period correct Valerie Bertinelli as well!


crosspalms said...

Comment Deleted,
Sorry to hear about the bike. Sucks.

Comment deleted said...

Roille, crosspalms, thanks. Leroy, true that about memories getting stolen. I made so many mods and tweaks to get it just right for me. The thief has probably stripped it and parted it out like a pile of metal.

VK, yeah, it really was just the frame and fork that was original by this point. Those aluminum bikes just don't last, y'know? It would be nice if a giant metal fatigue crack developed in it just as the fuckhead thief was trying to fence it, but I don't expect such fairness from the universe.

A replacement is coming in the mail, but my heart is still heavy.

babble on said...

Sorry to hear it, CD. That sucks. Um, and Leroy? I heard that your commuter was stolen, but I didn't hear anything about a heart attack. WTF????!!!!!!!!??????????

And speaking of WTF moments, I was hit by a fucking car this morning. A novice driver who cut me off in a roundabout, and explained the inexcusable by saying that she looked both ways but didn't see me. Fuck. In shock I refused an ambulance, and instead the lovely police officers who were on scene drove me to work. My boss promptly sent me to see my doctor, who was saddened yet hardly surprised to see me. Owieeeeeeeeeee. :'(

Comment deleted said...

Thanks, Babs, and glad you weren't hurt worse. Don't you get a free dozen donuts for every 12 emergency room visits, or did you forget your punch card?

Leroy, don't listen to your dog. You go and get down with your big new heart on.

Spokey said...


i think this is progress. think back over the last couple years. you had to rely on yourself to crash and end up in the hospital. mayhaps all of vancouver is now on your side and cruisin' to help you. with all your new fans you may never have to put forth the effort to crash on your own again.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Geez a weekend and early week of evilness! No more Saturday posts!
Ms. Babble, please be sure all your other booboos aren't in danger of flaring up.
Not the kind of traffic accidents you are apt to cause fo sure!
Did Bea Bike bend that car in half?


wishiwasmerckx said...

CJ, an auto-fellating self-driving car? That, my friend, is the first interesting thing you have ever posted on this site.

DB said...

CD: sorry to hear about your bike.

Leroy: I thought you were a Columbus tubing kind of guy. I'm glad you're feeling better and hope your dog isn't taking last nights loss too bad.

bad boy of the north said...

my condolences to all those involved.i understand,that there was much heroic action taken to attempt to save those gravely injured and those not so.morris park won't be the same.

NHcycler said...

"E AUTOMATIC TRANS The driver cannot operate a vehicle with a standard transmission."

That's a restriction?! How many drivers today even know what "standard transmission" means?

Babble -- Hope you're back up on the saddle quick!

leroy -- get well soon!

bad boy of the north said...

comment deleted....sorry to hear about the theft of your bike.hope they get raging shingles on their scranus.

bad boy of the north said...'ll saddle up soon.maybe your dog can rent out a pedicab in the meantime and shuttle you around.just an idea.feel better.

BamaPhred said...

There is an abundance of bad news on the blog today. Thefts, hospitalizations, vehicular trauma, deaths. Hope this passes and everyone gets their good vibe back. I think Leroy even got the two for one special they were running. You all have generated such incredibly good karma that it will return.

leroy said...

Thanks all, I'll be fine.

My dog, on the other hand, may have lost some money on the Mets. He seemed a little mopey.

Babs -- NOT a heart attack! Just a couple of cardiac stents -- it's high tech plumbing. Looking forward to trying out the upgrade. Hope you're okay.

BBoN - Like the idea of getting my dog a pedicab, but as you know, he's just not a working breed.

Anonymous said...

Apparently you so busy with your Brook blogging you missed out on being part of the best of cycling that Brooklyn has to offer...

Blog Drafter said...

Hey, get better Leroy, you and your dog are one of the reasons I come here.

bad boy of the north said...

Ms.babble....yeesh!hope you're not too booboo'd.feel better....

Anonymous said...

Medical restrictions on drivers' licenses...
Right now mine says corrective lenses and outside mirrors each side.
When it is renewed in 2 years pretty sure it is going to say no night driving.
But I have not been driving at night for the last year, except on a few well lit, low speed and low traffic roads.
Its all about adjusting you life to meet (changing) reality.

Have not tried to ride a bike in the dark for the past 3 years...

Dylanesque said...

Yep, only (mostly) in America do we allow ourselves to get thrown from a bull whose nads are in a wad (see video). BTW, the taxi that hit Nikola Tesla was absolved of any wrongdoing. It is just the way we are in These United States of detroit.

Babble, please stop hitting those cars. You may cause them damage.

N/A said...

Ms Babble, stop having accidents, please.

And to the bros that have loved, and lost, their bikes recently, I hope the Fuck-Os that took them develop a necrosis of the scranus.

Frickus Rungus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roille Figners said...

Ohhh Babs!!!!!!

OldSlowGuy said...

At least the fork on the Star Wars bike is the right way around. Last time I was in Target doing cultural research they were all backwards.

babble on said...

Thank you, peeples. CD - heh heh ++ :D

VSK - it's on the border to Burnaby, the next city over so I was on Ti Baby. I did the commute on Bea Bike in the pouring fucking rain last week as I awaited the new cluster on the old winter training wheelset. Today was my first fast commute, and I was loving it till Monday Madness hit me full force.I was ever so lucky I stayed upright when I went into a skid in the wet leaves as I hit the brakes hard. Had I gone down I would most certainly have ended up under her fucking car. This way I walked away. Well, technically I limped away.

All dem dumbass drivers can Lick My Pink Canoe. I rode home from work to the doctor already. I rode to my x-ray appointments, and will ride to work again tomorrow.

Leroy - ah good. I am all in favour of preventative medicine.

bad boy of the north said...

wow,ms.babble.....soldiering for you.

Anonymous said...

"a skid in the wet leaves" and "Lick My Pink Canoe" somehow go together nicely. "Well, technically I limped away". Not knowing Ms. Babble had "limped away", EMT's arrived and stood around yelling "Babble, Babble..."

Anonymous said...

YIKES, now I'm reading the Babble got hit by a car. Holy crap. Not good news at all, Sure hope those legs didn't get bruised, not that would be a crime.

Anonymous said...

Incredible to see how little people know about seizures. A simple explanation for a seizure is a temporary electrical storm in the brain. You folks need to wrap your head around that concept.

Think of your computer having an electrical storm: it may die; it may come back to life; it may act funny; you may loose data. This is what can happen to a person with a seizure. Not all people "shake" which is the stereotypical seizure EVERYONE thinks of. Some people will black out briefly, no shaking, but no memory....remember, it's a storm. Others will be awake, but unaware of their surroundings, this will from a few seconds to several minutes. Again, blocks of time are erased; just like your computer.

Medication does a decent job these days, but you have to be religious about it, there's still no guarantees. If it's severe, you may elect to go for surgery. But how may people want someone slicing their brain? BRAIN surgery, think about that. What would you prefer? heart surgery or brain surgery?

Would it make more sense if the person was drunk? What if the person had a heart attack? would it be ok then? would you prosecute the person if they survived, because, hey, what the heck are you doing driving with a heart condition? What about diabetics, look up what happens to them.....round them up and jail them up!

A person with a seizure heart attack etc. that has an episode cannot drive for 6 months, and has to be episode free during that period.

The point here is that, as opposed to a drunk driver who elects to drink and drive out of their own volition, a person who experiences a medical condition is not in control at that particular moment.

Unfortunately, people just want someone to blame. I'm amazed every time someone is released from jail after 20-30 years because the facts were wrong, and all they get for that life altering experience is; oops sorry, would a couple of bucks help shut you up?

Anonymous said...

Anyone with any known condition that could endanger the public by their driving a car, shouldn't be driving a car; that's why it's generally fuckin illegal most places to drive if you have seizures and in my opinion should be so for your other examples. Which kind of weather phenomenon it looks like in the brain does not make any difference.

Anonymous said...

Which kind of weather phenomenon it looks like in the brain does not make any difference.

My FORECAST is: YOU need to wear a helmet! It sounds like you have a head injury and your erratic conclusions are endangering others. PLEASE do not ride or drive, get off the road before you hurt somebody. Your actions are illegal.

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Obat Penyakit Kencing Sakit
Obat Herbal Sipilis
Obat Tradisional Kencing Sakit
Obat Kencing Sakit Ampuh
Obat Herbal Raja Singa
Obat Kencing Sakit Tanpa Ke Dokter
Obat Sipilis Kencing Sakit

Mas Andi said...

#Tag :
Pengobatan Kutil Kemaluan
Pengobatan kutil pada kemaluan
Pengobatan kutil pada kemaluan pria
Mengobati kutil di kemaluan
Obat Kutil Kemaluan
Obat kutil kemaluan alami
Obat kutil kemaluan pria
Obat kutil kemaluan di apotik

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Apotik Denature said...

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Obat Ambeien Di Apotik said...

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