First of all, just in case you have a life and weren't glued to your computer or smartphone all weekend, you may have missed my Very Special Brooks England Blog Halloween Post:
If you did miss it, please go read it now.
You done yet?
Speaking of Halloween, I went to Target this weekend to purchase a few sacks of tooth rot for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters and was floored to spot this Star Wars-branded fat bike:
Complete with this absolutely "epic" rear V-brake:
That's a two-noodler right there.
In fact I don't even think you can call that a V-brake. It's so big it's more of a W-brake.
Anyway, I'm not sure if 299.99 is the price in dollars or the weight in pounds, though I wouldn't be surprised if it's both:
Just make sure you never, ever ride at night, and that you do WEAR A HELME(n)T!!!
Just think how much worse off Dark Helmet would have been had he not been wearing his:
He went head-first right into the control panel with only some wooziness and a pair of cracked spectacles to show for it, so if you need any more proof that helme(n)ts save lives then you deserve whatever happens to you.
By the way, not only is this a Star Wars-themed fat bike, but it's a limited edition Star Wars-themed fat bike:
Clearly I had a big decision to make: do I buy the fat bike, or do I buy the "Mensch on a Bench" Hanukkah action figure a few aisles over?
I'm not telling you which one I ultimately chose, but if you guessed "both" you're 100% correct.
As for Halloween itself, I'd go so far as to say that there's no more wonderful and exciting place in the world than New York City to celebrate it with children--assuming you survive:
A Bronx street packed with Halloween trick-or-treaters turned into a real-life scene of horror Saturday when a car plowed into a group of costumed revelers — killing three people, including a 10-year-old girl.
A cluster of adults and children carrying pumpkin-shaped buckets were strolling along Morris Park Ave. around 4:50 p.m. when an out-of-control Dodge Charger vaulted the sidewalk, authorities said.
I was absolutely devastated to read this after an evening of trick-or-treating, but I took solace in the fact that the police were moving swiftly to absolve the driver:
Who may have been on "anti-seizure medicine:"
The Bronx driver who plowed into a group of trick-or-treaters on Halloween, killing three, had been on anti-seizure medicine and was seen convulsing just before the crash, police sources told The Post on Sunday.
Investigators “believe he had some sort of seizure,” a high-ranking source said of Howard Unger, 52. “He was driving, and he might have started his seizures, and he bumped the car in front of him . . . Some witnesses said they saw him violently shaking right before the accident.”
If this is true and not some Armstrong-esque "backdated TUE" stunt, I'd love to know whether or not he notified the Medical Review Unit:
How a medical condition can affect your driver license
All drivers are required to answer the following questions when they apply for or renew their driver license. The information below explains what happens if the driver answers "yes" to the question.
Have you had, or are you currently receiving treatment or taking medication for any condition which causes unconsciousness or unawareness such as convulsive disorder, epilepsy, fainting or dizzy spells, or heart ailment?
If you answer yes to this question, you must send Physicians Statement for Medical Review form (MV-80U.1), completed by a qualified doctor, to DMV’s Medical Review Unit (MRU). The MRU will contact you with information, requirements and instructions.
By the way, check out this frightening list of driver license restrictions:
Jesus. Where's the one for "Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway every Saturday?"
I'd also like to know exactly which Charger this guy was driving. See, when that "killer cyclist" struck in Central Park the media made a point of describing the model and price of his bicycle, but how come we don't know more about the car the guy ON SEIZURE MEDICATION was driving? There are various models of Chargers, most of them very powerful, which means it's possible a guy prone to seizures might be driving around the most densely-populated city in America in a 425hp car! Why should that even be possible?
Well, because it's the American Way, as Chrysler and Bob Dylan will be happy to tell you:
Hey, fuck you, Bob.
I think the victims ought to sue his ass:
(Mensch on a Bench Trial)
Meanwhile, the Federal Highway Illustration spent the week before Halloween telling kids to wear reflective costumes:
Within 10 years it will be illegal to go trick-or-treating in a costume that doesn't include some kind of helme(n)t.