Thursday, October 1, 2015

The Indignity Of Just Doing Whatever You Feel Like

It's hard work being a semi-professional bike blogger, father of seventeen (18) children, and mother of six (six) more:

("Calgon" was 1980s slang for "Valium.")

That's why I feel it's important to treat myself to some mid-week recreational bicycle-cycling from time to time.  In particular, it had been awhile since I'd ridden a rugged all-terrain-style bicycle--so long in fact that the shin scabs from the last time I'd done so had already fallen off.  So this morning I resolved to remedy the situation.

Because I deserve it.

(Oh, also, Hurricane Joaquin may hit us next week, and if that happens there may be no mountain bike trails left.)

Normally I ride from my mansion to the mountain bicycling trails, but these days I'm on borrowed time, and the interest rates are usurious.  Therefore, after some deliberation, I decided "Fuck It" and used THE CAR THAT THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK.

("I'm not even gonna open my mouth, my eyes say it all.")

Hey, it's just shy of an hour to ride there but it's only like a ten minute drive, so when you do the math it's like the car is a time machine I'm actually gaining time by driving to the trail.

Plus, I will always be "bridge and tunnel" at heart, so even though I spend much of my time on a smug-cycle and blogging about how much motorists suck, every so often I'm overcome by an overwhelming urge to drive around in a car while listening to Howard Stern.

So I threw some clothes in a bag, tossed a bike onto the roof rack, and drove responsibly to the trailhead:

As I pulled up I really hoped nobody was there.  The truth is that over the past few years I've become unbearably smug about riding to the trailhead, and when I do I enjoy nothing more than passing all the mountain Freds in the parking lot milling about their SUVs in various states of undress, messing with their shocks and fretting over their tire pressure.  Generally what I do is ride around in circles for awhile until someone notices that I arrived on a singlespeed and without a car.  Then, when they ask where I rode from I just say "city"--which is true only in the most literal sense in that I do technically live in New York City.  However, for the purposes of regional colloquial speech and casual parking lot conversation it's an out-and-out lie.

Then I scamper into the woods with the speed and agility of a cottontail and do my best to wait until I'm out of view before succumbing to the inevitable crash.

Sadly, this time someone would see me get out of a car, because to my surprise I encountered this:

(Note tire tracks, I assume morons come here at night and do donuts.)

It turns out Giant Bicycles were setting up for some sort of dealer demo day, which meant I'd better make this ride a quick one before the Shop Freds showed up.  Nevertheless, as I rolled by I did take some spy shots of the Liv bikes:

And the Giants:

I briefly considered revealing myself as the greatest semi-professional bike blogger this side of the Spuyten Duyvil and asking if I could try some of that sweet, sweet crabon myself.  However, I decided not to, because if experience is any guide it means either they'd have no idea who I am, or else they'd want to punch me in the mouth--or, most likely, both.

Apparently though the unwashed masses can demo the bikes here on Sunday, and you can find more information on that here and here.

So if you're in the New York City area maybe you can find the Fred Sled or Bouncy Mountain Chariot of your dreams.

Another reason I had been hoping nobody would be there was because, in my haste, I had assembled sort of a strange outfit which I tied together with these woolen retro-style Brooks half-shorts:

(No, I'm not peeing in this should tell yourself if it makes you feel better.)

The shorts were a last-second choice because I hadn't worn them since L'Eroica one year ago, and when I realized the ride was this weekend I immediately became nostalgic because it remains possibly the most fun ride I've ever done.  So I dug them out of the ol' bike clothes drawer, figuring maybe they'd help allay my sadness over missing this year's event.  And while I happen to think the shorts are pretty cool, the problem is they're a bit small on me, which meant I'd have to take great care to hide my posterior:

Heaven knows I didn't want all the Shop Freds to see my "coin slot," and so I stopped from time to time for a "butt selfie" to make sure I remained modest:

(No, I don't have a "tramp stamp" of the Brooks should tell yourself if it makes you feel better.)

Anyway, fall is now in the air, and there's no better time to ride a mountain-style bicycle:

Mostly because the goddamn bugs that like to hover around your face while you ride in the summer are mostly gone:

As for the bike, I rode my Engin, which I still congratulate myself for having purchased:

A bespoke custom-curated artisanal rigid singlespeed may seem a bit over-indulgent at first glance, and of course it is, but to me it makes sense because no matter how much or little you spend on a bouncy bike with gears and shocks it's going to be obsolete in short order, whereas a rigid bike with one speed is a rigid bike with one speed.

Really, the only thing that's going to become obsolete is me, and I suppose there will come a time when I can no longer handle the thing, but so far the enjoyment I get from riding it is undiminished, even by age and lack of fitness.

Of course I've also added some pretentious artisanal touches, such as the hand-chamfered leather saddle:

And the custom-etched WiseCracker I've probably used once, because I don't lead one of those awesome lifestyles that involves hanging out for hours drinking beer after the ride:

Oh, it even says "BSNYC" on the other side if you look closely:

I do keep it humble however by using 36-spoke wheels I built entirely from cheap mail order parts:

I do have a fancier pair of tubeless wheels, but because I don't lead one of those awesome lifestyles that involves hanging out and drinking beer for hours after rides, I also haven't had time to mount new tires and reseal them.  Instead, I've just been using these--and despite being made from budget stuff they work great, go figure.

I did splurge on the name-brand front hub though:

By the way, speaking of front wheels and dick breaks, have you heard about the recall?

A group of bicycle companies, in cooperation with the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) and the Bicycle Product Suppliers Association (BPSA), is engaged in a safety recall involving quick-release devices which, when improperly adjusted or left open while riding, may potentially come in contact with the front disc brake rotor. Watch this video to see if your bicycle is affected.

No shit, that's why you do this:

Anyway, things were going wonderfully until my rear wheel broke loose on some rocks and I fell over, creating some new scabs and taking a shot to the knee, which is always worrisome since every blow to the kneecap takes you that much closer to not being able to ride one-speed bicycles anymore:

I'd like to blame the cheap, worn tires, but the truth is that I suck.

So I took this as a sign I should wind the ride down, and finished off with a little loop on the easy terrain:

I did scuff the Brooks too:

But I'm sure it will buff right out.


Anonymous said...

Texas scranus

Buffalo Bill said...


Anonymous said...

Hello from NH!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Hands up!

Ted K. said...

Note 11. (Paragraphs 63, 82) Is the drive for endless material acquisition really an artificial creation of the advertising and marketing industry? Certainly there is no innate human drive for material acquisition. There have been many cultures in which people have desired little material wealth beyond what was necessary to satisfy their basic physical needs (Australian aborigines, traditional Mexican peasant culture, some African cultures). On the other hand there have also been many pre-industrial cultures in which material acquisition has played an important role. So we can’t claim that today’s acquisition-oriented culture is exclusively a creation of the advertising and marketing industry. But it is clear that the advertising and marketing industry has had an important part in creating that culture. The big corporations that spend millions on advertising wouldn’t be spending that kind of money without solid proof that they were getting it back in increased sales. One member of FC met a sales manager a couple of years ago who was frank enough to tell him, “Our job is to make people buy things they don’t want and don’t need.” He then described how an untrained novice could present people with the facts about a product, and make no sales at all, while a trained and experienced professional salesman would make lots of sales to the same people. This shows that people are manipulated into buying things they don’t really want.

N/A said...

Not Anonymous!

Billy said...


Anonymous said...


Schisthead said...

Looks like a fun ride.

I always like leaves to remind me how much my 'traction control' sucks.

Freddy Murcks said...

Well, hey. Here in Salt Lame City, the city that I call home, a semi truck hit a bicyclist this morning on a designated bike route and the fucking driver didn't even bother to stop. Leaving the scene of an accident is usually considered a crime, but it's not like the goddamned police are ever going to find the offending truck or driver, and it's not like the police care anyway. To wit, the police are pretty sure that the driver didn't do it on purpose. "With these big rigs, the drivers sometimes just don't know" when they may have hit something as small and comparatively light as a bicycle, SLCPD Detective Dennis McGowan said. Translation: NO CRIMINALITY SUSPECTED.

N/A said...

The other day I was scuffing the ol' brooks as my wife stared on with disdain.

NYCHighwheeler said...

Sprain Ridge Appreciation Day, Saturday Oct 3

Good beer, swap meet, rides and attractions, non-stop action, about the most fun thing you can do...

Come on up Snobby, I'll give you a personal tour of the park the way the trail builders intended it to be ridden - (hint: the lazy way!).


The Erik in Eric's Over the Log Trail, and one of the North Brothers.

Jean-Francois Caron said...

Hey Snob, did you see this awesome video?

Violent road-rager (partially induced by smug cyclist) falls on his face in the most glorious way possible.

NYCHighwheeler said...

Oh yeah, BBQ as well! Here is the web page:

and on the forum:

PS "Select all the images with cars" do they even know where they are?

Carlos Caliente said...


balls™ said...

Blame a defective accelerator.

(That's what she said!)

Spokey said...


only top twinny

Anonymous said...

what rims you running on that single. If it ain't Alex . . .

P. Bateman said...

i dont get why you can't hang out post-ride drinking? just go home drunk and if anyone gives you any lip you smack 'em right in their dang mouth(s).

seems to work just fine for violent alcoholics so i'm sure it will work fine for you too.

and thank you Ted K for that defense of the ad industry. god only knows we're just a bunch of really nice guys. and girls.

jodphoto said...


Now the LBS's will be getting a steady flow of droolers with their bikes and #2 pencils. They will ask stupid questions (can I use a Sharpie?) and buy more stuff so they will feel better about themselves.

Fuck that the simplest piece of hardware can be re- engineered to fail or that you have to be a moron to forget to tighten it.

Ahhh, fuck it.

PS. I bear no malice to folks who suffer mental illness. I was at a loss for epithets, is all.

NHcycler said...

I've scuffed my Brooks saddles a few times...I take it as a sign that the bikes are actually being used.

McFly said...

There is a 2009 Kona Hei Hei frame waiting for me on the stoop via the USPS when I get home. If someone hasn't stolen it. I have no components so I am going to put it on the stand and stare at it. That is all.


a_raft_of_freds said...


That Salt Lake is one strange city. You got all those believers in one place that mostly got a thing for being healthy, ride bieks, do the snowing sports, yet some scary-ass super-highways that pass for "streets" and the usual automobile lawlessness.

Strange city.

BamaPhred said...


Wild Bill from the old Lou Grant Show said...

"(Oh, also, Hurricane Joaquin may hit us next week, and if that happens there may be no mountain bike trails left.)

Joaquin is currently forecast to take roughly the same path as tropical storm Sandy. But this time it looks like the tide will be going out in NYC/North Jersey, if it keeps on schedule. Cape May may end up drawing the short straw for worst case scenario this time.

NHcycler said...

Please don't remind me that this is the best time for bicycle cycling. Last week some sadist placed granite rocks the size of bread loaves where they weren't before. (Just outside of a downhill speed bump).

My left shoulder and quadriceps are out of service for at least the next few weeks. No criminality suspected...

Anonymous said...


Roille Figners said...

I used to listen to Howard on WNBC 660 AM on a small (for the times) radio as I biked my paper route. It was good back then. Gary, Jackie the Jokeman, reviews of new porn releases, live "DOOK-o-lax" spots... and Susan "Berzerkowitz" with the traffic.

ChamoisJuice said...


Your Engin was antiquated the moment you purchased it with that obsolete steep head angle, short top tube and boner stem. You are old and you fall down alot. You don't need a handicap bike.

Anyways. I got a new job. I am working on a legal weed farm. BEST JOB EVAR! Aside from being subjected to Reggae music all the time. I have instituted a policy of switching the tunes to Eek A Mouse whenever anyone tries to put on reggae. Seems to work.

For some reason, a number of my fellow horticulturists are Jehovah's Witness. That part is pretty annoying. But the unlimited supply of weedz makes it tolerable. The last few weeks have been a bit of a haze. However, the news that bsnyc is eagerly anticipating the arrival of a plus size chubby tire bike has made me question my grip on reality.

BamaPhred said...

Marilyn Chambers on the Ivory Snow soap box was hotter than the Take me away Calgon model. I was just a wee teen, scuffin away on my Brooks, as it were.

dcee604 said...

That reminds me, I have an old single-speed mountain bike as well that I should pull out and ride. Hope you're okay from your fall.

Lucas Tarr said...

Any notion when Ted K's posts will surpass bsnyc in length?

the Jimboner said...

Hey y'all I am on Eleuthera where it is still sunny and we are drinking dark and stormies on the beach waiting for Joaquin.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hope the knee gets to feeling better.

babble on said...

Oh no, honey. Don't you worry. I am definitely NOT peeing in that picture of your pretty shorts. Don't you worry that cute little bum of yours about it, not for a single minute. I wouldn't do that to you.

Um, and if those very shorts don't fit you quite right, I will take them off your hands for you and make them feel wanted, mmmmmmmkay? I love them.

babble on said...

Ha! And welcome to my world, snoberdoodums, the world of suckituditude. Only if I had fallen I'd have busted something up, sure as sunrise. Kisses. xx

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

NHCycler - fuck. That sucks. Sorry to hear it. Woman in her sixties was sentenced this week after being caught setting traps for cyclists on the North Shore trails. She was charged with some hefty criminal mischief with intent to maim etc etc charges, but pled to simple mischief.

But she WAS arrested and charged because some intrepid cyclists placed cctv cameras on the trails... just food for thought if it continues to happen.

P. Bateman said...

what kind of traps?

yes, i know boobie, but any specifics? wire across the trail, that sort of stuff?

Verplank Colvin said...

"Hey y'all I am on Eleuthera...

What is the maximum elevation down there? 5 feet above sea level? 8 feet?

The Onion said...

I rarely drive but when I do, the other motorists hate me more than they hate bicyclists. Because I AM IN THEIR WAY. I usually drive 5 to 15 (or more) mph below the speed limit. I call it hypermiling and I do get very good gas mileage and very low maintenance bills, but it is mostly revenge, If I was honest I would get a bumper sticker that said "Bicyclist While Driving". But I want them to hate other motorists, so fuck that. Motorists really should only hate other motorists, who cause 99% of their delays. Has anybody ever been stuck in a extended traffic jam that was caused by a bicyclist? Given the fact that bikes, pedestrians, bus/train/subway riders are that much less traffic, the only reasonable motorist opinion is "98 Percent Of U.S. commuters Favor Public Transportation (or bike/walk) For Others"

BikeSnobNYC said...


Writing about how I fall down a lot is funnier than the truth, which is that I don't and am awesome.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Until today, I thought that Babs was the only blogger who would photograph their own ass in a desperate bid for more readers. Congrats, you've reached a new low in your semi professional blogging career.

Winky said...

P. Bateman @2:03

Not wire, but big logs on blind corners. That sort of thing.

CJ's Mom said...

With any luck, CJ's fellow employees at the weed farm will become so enraged at his anti-reggae that they will beat him to death. I birthed him, but I loathe that little fucker. By way of note to the pot farm employees, CJ is such an insufferable fuckface that I am sure that the police would decline to prosecute. The killer might even get a commendation for meritorious public service.

Anonymous said...

When I drive on rare occasion, almost always with a bike, it feels extremely luxurious. You really notice how the motorists are coddled. I am extra thankful to the bicyclists and other non-motorists which make it even less crowded and smoother, and I know how it kind of sucks for everyone else, because it is usually me. Yeah, parking close to where you are going could suck, but it usually doesn't and never for me, cause I have the bike.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Waiting for WAKEEEN !

Like Bikeeen...


bad boy of the north said...

my eyes!my eyes!you made me eyes!

P. Bateman said...

sounds like you were definitely sabotaged Snob.

i do hope you never have to come on here an admit a helmat saved you from a rock.

good luck with that hurricane gang. its gonna hopefully still take a sharp right at american's wang and go blast the outer banks and those areas of NC that i have no idea why people live there that always get nailed.

gonna be sunny here and i'll be losing my dawg gone mind sat at 3:00pm.... and polishing chrome..endless miles of chrome.

N/A said...

Looks like somebody may need to order a B66 for their bicycle.

bad boy of the north said...

snob and nhcycler...feel better.and ms.babble,how are you feeling these days?

bad boy of the north said...

hopefully,there will be a sprain ridge left after wahkeen arrives.

Roille Figners said...

Still waiting for Hurricane Walken...

Dooth said...

Love to see those Brooks woolies on Babble, but with tanned legs. Jeez, Wildcat, get some sun.

NHcycler said...

Thanks Babs, P. Bateman,

I don't believe anyone set traps, per se. I think it was someone who saw motor vehicles go around the bumps and took matters into his/her own hands. Although the rocks weren't going to bother an SUV, my brifters (sorry!) dug out impressive, damaging furrows in the gravel.

streepo said...

The dingus ate my baby!

JB said...

Your XT cranks and Deore hub reminded me: As someone who never has the willingness to spend money ("Deore is about as good, and you suck anyway") on XT-level bits, I was very happy to open a UPS package containing a set of XT dick breakes yesterday.

Bye, bye, Avid Screecher 5 dick breakes!!!!

I'll still suck though, but it will be quieter.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Right now the convergence of storm track models, mostly w/ the Euro model in the lead, has the Jurocaine Jo A Kwin headed out to see the sea. Don't tell the media, they need the clickbait dollas.
Of course, models schmodels, you never know. Citibike said they're removing 20 stations in lowlying areas ... in an abundance of caution.


paulb said...

I know it's a tire pressure question, but I've never owned a mountain bike so I'm going to ignore my embarrassment and ask anyway, do you keep the tires filled to a higher pressure for getting to the ride on roads and then let out some air for the trail?

P. Bateman said...

i was all excited about the new pedulls that just arrived but i have one stuck on the bike that is being a real grump.

the new ones are shiny silver so i dont have to have those black ones anymore that were screwing up the coloring scheme and getting me pointed and laughed at by everyone. the madness stops now! or at least after the penetrating fluid hopefully does some magic.

hopefully its not such magical penetrating fluid that 9 months later i get more pedalls.

Freddy Murcks said...

JB - Congrats on your purchase. I am also considering getting rid of my shitty Avid dick breaks and replacing them with Shimano XTs. By way of note, I did manage to get rid of the screech by replacing the Avid rotors with Shimano rotors. But the only thing that is going to improve the abysmal lever feel of the Avids is to replace them with Shimanos.

Comment deleted said...

P. Bateman, you know that the left pedal is likely reverse-threaded, right?

If you do know this, you are entitled to be extremely insulted by the question.

the Jimboner said...

The bunker is 60 feet above sea level, Joaquim should pass to our north, beer is cold and the Ernest Borgnine marathon starts at 8.

Anonymous said...

First thought with that rear tire was "worn". Riding to the trailhead kills our tread. Existential dilemmas...

babble on said...

Tineke Kraal, 64, initially faced multiple charges including setting a trap and mischief endangering life, but pleaded guilty Friday to the lesser criminal charge of mischief rendering property dangerous, useless or inoperative. Word is she used rocks, branches and logs, but no word of wire. Thank goodness.

Bad Boy - I am happy, thanks. Very kind of you to ask! My shoulder is stabilized so I am riding hard again and that always leaves me feeling fine.

Yes yes YES those shorts would look good on these gams. Sweet style, Snobi Wan. You have great taste. Somebody should send them in my general direction. And people who want legs like mine might want to try my methodology: a bit of yoga, a lot of bikes, and copious quanitites of ever so yummy, super fresh food. You'll find a couple of variations on my favourite, personally designed Hot Pot recipe right HERE!

Mmmmmm. I absolutely adore sitting down to good food with a few friends, and OMG that is one helluva dish. :) Give it a go and let me know what you think. AND if you're an adventurous cook, and you come up with an adaptation of it over time, please do let me know what you discovered, mkay?

P. Bateman said...

@comment - i know that. not insulted. was just really in there good and tight. broke out a breaker bar. fixed it right up.

Comment deleted said...

Figured you did know.

ChamoisJuice said...

LUBE + PRESSURE = solution to most of life's problems

P. Bateman said...

i wont lie. i have to watch a youtube video to remind myself most times. i will also admit i nearly threw a fit somewhat...okay, quite recently because i couldnt get them to thread ON and realized it was because i was trying to put the left peddle in the right crank.

nothing like really simple stuff (like that time i really jacked up a derailleur by removing something that had no business being removed) to make you feel dumber than gawd dang dirt.

i'm hoping its because my IQ is so high that i'm one of those geniusus that has truble with simple things, and not because i'm a simple thing.

Perpetual Monkees who don't give a fuck said...

You hit a rock and the rear wheel popped out? I am on crack, the cocaine not your "coin slot". Is this some kind of groping for a philosophy discourse? As opposed to sexual intercourse . Of course. Stay the course. In a rut? Take a course. Photography. Drawing. Gertrude Stein.
You're trying to make sense of your day. A day in which you had the privilege of enjoying a hipster-y mountain bike ride ( be hipster (Drop Anchors is all you) and weird, unexpected things happened. But no one's hearing you today. Just the usual words from the faithful. So you'll ride again because bikes and art or something.

Anonymous said...

I think Babs would know a thing or two about penetrating fluid.

Anonymous said...

for u

Dbcomp said...

This is in fact a wonderful post, the piece of writing has really allured me, and you have given a definite idea of this issue. Nice!!
IT Support Limerick

McFly said...

I imagine Ms. Calgon has a Wooly Bully.

It was a different time. If you wanted to go downtown you needed a chip clip.

JB said...

Freddy Murcks: On the advice of an older-than-me dude at the trail (that left us in the dust) with silent Srams, I took out my pads and filed them down a bit. It got rid of the screech for about 1 ride.

If can get a chance to install the new brakes (been working 5:45a to 5p & 9p to 11p every damn day) maybe I'll get out on the trail on Sunday...

Anonymous said...

Freddy Murcks at 110

If an off duty cop had been riding the bike do you think the cops would have the same reaction?

babble on said...

JB - all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. How do you manage to get anything done working the live long day AND NIGHT like that???!

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Anonymous said...

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