Let's take a closer look:
Now, for the Lunch Freds out there, here's a complete rundown of the specs:
Firstly, note that I am portaging the sandwich in a L'Eroica musette that I obtained while participating in said event, which I in turn kept inside my hydration pack. (Yeah, that's right. I was using a hydration pack. It's just easier. I'm now a human bag of Capri Sun.) Secondly, I have wrapped the sandwich itself with stiff yet lightweight aluminum foil, which serves to hold the sandwich together, as well as to protect it from contamination.
I don't want to even hear about plastic wrap. That shit's for people who carry Barney lunchboxes. When you're going on a Mountain Epic, you sack and/or vulva up and use foil.
Moving on to the sandwich materials, I used the following:
Two pieces of gluten-free "bread"
Chunky, of course. Do you even have to ask?
Because the gluten-free bread and the chunky peanut butter aren't binding enough, I like to add some banana for good measure. This spackles my mouth and intestines shut completely, and the effects of eating this sandwich are basically like wearing both a ball gag and a butt plug, in that it seals you up at both ends.
As for the sandwich's construction, it's a two-ply layup similar to what you might find in a crabon bicycle frame, with the peanut butter acting as a resin and the banana as sort of a kevlar-like substance that adds strength and fine-tunes the mouth feel.
It's also about as appetizing as a bicycle frame, but it convinces my stomach it's not hungry anymore, so there you go.
Speaking of fine-tuning the ride, yesterday I was in Brooklyn, and I finally rode the new Ben Serotta-designed Citi Bikes:
Generally speaking, bike share bikes are like gluten-free peanut butter sandwiches: an approximation of the real thing that's functional enough but mostly devoid of pleasure. With the new bikes, Ben Serotta has put some much-needed jelly on the sandwich. Sure, it's still basically like eating a sponge, but at least it's a bit more palatable.
As a hardcore Citi Bike Cat 6 racer, I have yet to test the revised gear ratios on the bridge, but I did appreciate the prominent saddle-centering line on the seatpost, which shaved precious seconds off my pre-ride setup time.
While in Brooklyn I also made a pilgrimage to the famous David Byrne Bike Racks in front of the Brooklyn Academy of Music:
(My erstwhile Scattante...sigh.)
But now they say some different shit that doesn't make sense either:
This one appears to say "Wild Mix," which sounds like a granola topping you'd buy at Whole Foods:
Whatever message Byrne means to convey, the racks remain just as inconvenient as ever.
Also right nearby is where this happened a few days ago:
The S.U.V., a Honda Pilot driven by a 37-year-old man whose name was not released, was traveling north along Fourth Avenue in the Boerum Hill neighborhood when it struck a car stopped at a red light at the intersection with Dean Street.
The Honda then jumped the concrete median and collided with the bicyclist, the police said. It continued barreling north along Fourth Avenue and rammed into another car that was traveling eastbound on Atlantic Avenue.
Fortunately the NYPD moved swiftly to absolve the driver, attributing his actions to a "medical emergency:"
The S.U.V.’s driver was taken into custody but has not been charged, the police said. Investigators think he may have experienced a medical emergency, possibly a seizure, and lost control of his vehicle, officials said.
Sure, I'll buy that's a seizure, assuming you consider stupidity to be a grand mal seizure of the mind you experience every second of your entire life.
Meanwhile, in the wake of this tragedy the Brooklyn Borough President took the opportunity to expose the media to some hairy 'bush:
In March, the de Blasio administration announced the birth of its Great Streets initiative, which will funnel $250 million in capital funds toward improving four of the city's most dangerous arterial roadways—Queens Boulevard, the Grand Concourse, Atlantic Avenue, and Fourth Avenue in Brooklyn. Queens Boulevard—where 38 New Yorkers were killed and 448 more were injured between 2003 to 2013 — is slated to receive protected bike lanes and a pedestrian walkway, with construction scheduled to begin in August.
I'm all for street improvements, but I'm waiting for someone with some actual power to acknowledge that this is a nationwide epidemic, and that we need driver re-testing every five years, as well as licenses with chips in them that we have to insert into our dashboards before our cars will start.
As it is, there are more barriers to using the laundry room in a typical apartment building than there are to tearing around town in a two-ton death machine.
Of course, it could be worse. For example, you could live in New South Wales, Australia, where they're building barriers to cycling faster than condos in downtown Brooklyn:
Cyclists over a certain age would be required to carry photo identification, under plans being considered by the NSW government.
Roads Minister Duncan Gay has convened a "roundtable" to discuss cycling safety issues, which includes members of motoring, pedestrian and cycling groups.
I'm assuming they were inspired by the NYPD, who will happily toss you in jail for not having proper identification, and in any case it sounds like this "roundtable" was mostly this Duncan Gay character slobbering over his own wang:
Indeed, Duncan Gay seems to be the Chris Froome of hating bikes--and Team Sky wants you to know that if it seems like Froome's doping, it's only because of hackers:
The Tour heads into the Pyrenees today, as the team prepares Froome for the inevitable doping questions he will likely face in the days ahead. Anticipating the criticism, Team Sky chose to gather data to back up their faith that the 2013 Tour champion is riding clean. The British team now believes the data files have been stolen in order to suggest Froome may be doping.
Back in the old days when a rider got caught doping he said somebody spiked his bidon, so I can only assume this is the 21st century equivalent.
I for one have no doubts about Froome, whose rise to dominance is easily explained by the waterborne pathogen that conveniently decided to leave his body just before he rocketed to the top of the cycling world:
Team Sky principal Sir Dave Brailsford said last summer that the non-diagnosis of Froome’s illness, and subsequent management of it, may be one reason for Froome’s apparently rapid transformation from someone who finished 84th overall in his debut Tour in 2008 into a rider some belief will dominate the Tour for several years.
And who supposedly has such severe asthma he's got to take hits off an inhaler while he rides:
It's only natural that someone so sickly and frail would be dominating the world's most difficult sporting event.
Anyone who says differently is a hacker.