Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Forget the date, it's just a Wednesday like any other.

Firstly, before we begin, rest assured this blog contains no April Fools pranks, japes, gags, tomfoolery, or mishegas.

I mean, come on, we're all grownups here, right?

Just kidding--about the grownup thing, I mean.  I'm not kidding about the no April Fools thing.  After all, the world of cycling is a running gag 365 days a year anyway, so it's kind of lame when the bike industry and media takes pleasure in tricking you with a post or press release that's really no more absurd than yesterday's or tomorrow's.

Like why is a Fabian Cancellara fragrance any more ridiculous than, say, a $1,000 fat bike for kids?

And if you're confused as to which one of the above is the April Fools prank, I can't blame you.

Speaking of things that should be pranks but aren't, yesterday I talked about Volvo's insulting new anti-death spray, and a reader has since forwarded this post which clears things up a bit:


Volvo’s new spray is transparent and reflective. During the day, it’s invisible but at night, it lights up when headlights appear. Cyclists and even street walkers can spray LifePaint on their bikes and clothes before heading out at night.

Ah, so it's a marketing tool for prostitutes.

Now I get it.

Also:

What’s even more fantastic about it? It washes off and it won’t stain!

Wait a minute.  If it washes off, then what happens when it rains?  Do you just become invisible again and leave an iridescent pee puddle behind?

Ah, whatever.  If it rains take the bus.

Also, Volvo's repurposed vajazzling spray isn't much help during daylight hours, nor does it guard against taxi drivers who take detours on greenways:


(Photographed by a reader this past weekend.)

This is the Hudson River Greenway at around 65th Street, and if you're familiar with this stretch you're probably wondering, "How the fuck did the driver even pull this stunt off?"  If memory serves, the nearest place the Greenway crosses a street that's open to motor vehicle traffic is at 59th Street, which means the driver was cruising along for at least a few blocks before encountering the indifference of the park police and turning around:


And yes, the driver was carrying a fare, who according to the photographer decided to walk the rest of the way.

Then again, I shouldn't be surprised, because taxi drives are inexorably drawn to bike lanes like moths to flame, or like bloggers to clichés:


I guess when they see a section of roadway that's free of other cars they get so excited they don't realize it's too good to be true, like a thirsty cartoon character diving into a desert mirage.

Anyway, I didn't spraypaint myself yesterday, but I did wear my Inspector Gadget jacket:


Come on, how dashing do I look?  And before you answer I should probably show you the rest of my outfit:


Hey, when it comes to sartorial sense, we can't all be Bret, now can we?

(Via a reader.)

No, we cannot.

Anyway, yesterday I engaged in "multimodal transport," which is how the smuggies say "If it rains take the bus"--or in my case, the train, as I opted to park my Smugness Flotilla at the station and ride the rails along with the commuters who, as E.B. White put it, "give the city its tidal restlessness:"


I like that the MTA has a ready-made sign for that.

During the course of my day I also spotted this poorly-locked 1990s Manitou hardtail with a remarkable dearth of scratches and blemishes given it must be at least 20 years old:


Back in the '90s the mountain bike was what the track bike was in "aughts," which is to say lots of people bought them to look cool and never used them for the purpose for which they were designed.  I'm guessing the original owner of this bike was also caught up in the '90s mountain bike fashion boom, because it still has the original brake pads:


Hopefully the current owner got a good deal on it--especially since it's not going to last long with only a cable lock.

As much as I enjoy riding my 29er (which is already obsolete by cycling industry standards) I miss the days of 26-inch mountain bikes with primitive forks that used pencil erasers for suspension, for the simple reason that they kept people honest.  Now there's a mountain bike for every conceivable terrain, no matter how adverse and treacherous: full-suspension 29ers, fat bikes, ebikes...  In 20 years a typical mountain bike trail is going to be a vertical cliff:


(You just need to come into it with some momentum.)

Returning home, I rendezvoused (now there's a word that's awkward on "paper") with the Smugness Flotilla at the trains station beneath the soft glow of a streetlight:


Between my tan Inspector Gadget jacket and the rain-soaked streets our meeting seemed thrillingly illicit, and I found myself caught up in the illusion that I was a spy.  So I found a fitting spot to meet my "contact:"


The view provided a suitable backdrop for intrigue:


And if you look more closely you'll see what is quite clearly a UFO:


Though I ignored the science-fictional implications so as not to mix genres.

Soon, the Smugness Flotilla and I met our contact, who was a Dutch femme fatale:


Handing me a note, I opened it and read a single name, and when I looked up again she was gone.

I knew what I had to do, and I won't say any more except that we dispensed with our target:


With that I pedaled away, my Crocs squeaking faintly and my leg hairs rustling in the wind.

87 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

pootie tang

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

It's so nice. The sun is shining brightly in a blue sky. It's a balmy 51 degrees American. I rode my biek to work today. That's made out of titanium. And rocking my murdered out bsnyc cap on my head. No helment. life is good.

groanhammer said...

i'm ass-pired

Yeah Cleveland! said...

Ok. I'll play.

Schisthead said...

People still buy mountain bikes for pavement riding.

I mean, I NEED suspension travel for those potholes.

P. Bateman said...

toop ten you bunch of april fools! god damn fools.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Let me know when Volvo comes out with an invisibility spray. I got big plans for that.

Freddy Murcks said...

Happy April, fools.

Anonymous said...

Inspector gadget!

le Correcteur said...

late post; read it; this is classic: "With that I pedaled away, my Crocs squeaking faintly and my leg hairs rustling in the wind."

dcee604 said...

Let me in the top ten!

P. Bateman said...

i sprayed my weiner with that volvo spray - it really spiced things up in the bedroom and volvo actually makes the perfect safe word.

since volvos are so safe.

Sir Lockalot said...

'ang on, one lock on the down tube is enough in a darkened NYC? If so, I worry too much out here in the bright San Gabriel Valley, CA.

Or do you have those locking skewers and seatpost collar?

balls™ said...

Comment on the timing of post. Complement/complaint relating to post and/or blogger's hygiene habits. Tits.

ken e. said...

nanoo nanoo

clyde said...

Woo hoohoo need better dope Top 20?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Sir Lockalot,

It is in that part of town. The thieves around there generally focus on cars.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Uh, what's a jape?

leroy said...

This morning, my dog chewed a tube of toothpaste, woke me up, and asked if I knew anything about rabies.

I got even.

BikeSnobNYC said...

recumbent conspiracy theorist,

A Jewish ape.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

iPhone 6, uh.

CommieCanuck said...

Hairy legs, Crocs? I had no idea Snob was a lesbian.

Tom Danielson said...

I'm waiting for the Cipollini fragrance personally. I hear it has real bits of Cipollini in it. Yummy.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

BSNYC said, "which is to say lots of people bought them to look cool and never used them for the purpose for which they were designed."

Not me, I am definitely sure Guiseppe Olmo designed the early 80s Competition model for [oversize] 'old white guys'(you know, the new evil species) to commute to their office jobs via Cat 6 competiziones.

So nice that he put on down tube shifter braze ons because they work great for my brifter cable stops.

Check!
I'll ride it tomorrow . . .

vsk

iamfred said...

I have one of those "like new" '90s era Mt Bikes. I just couldn't get into it. The original tires are dry rotted, I am ashamed of myself.

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Deserving of its own post -
I saw the movie "My Italian Secret" at the theater on 12th St off University Place. Stories of Italians hiding Jews and helping their escape during WWII. Gino Bartali's story figures prominently through the film.
I think it's there til 4/9/2015.

vsk

Bike4pizza said...

Bike snob. I'm ashamed of your tactics for being a cycling murderer. A true cycling murderer always destroys there target while wearing road shoes. And also wrapped in neoprene sleeve, to act as a moccasin.

Face palm......

crosspalms said...

Exciting life you got there, Spysnob. I could see you in "The Blacklist" with that jacket.

Flyover BC said...

You just need to come into it with some momentum.

If you're going up, you'll probably never have enough momentum.

If you're going down, you probably have more than enough, but even a full suspension won't help you keep contact with the surface.

Anonymous said...

Back briefly to the Red Kite Prayer nonsense of a few days back, someone mentioned that their writing, albeit a little Fredly, can be quite good. A few naive souls tried to find out a couple of years back but despite the campaign it falling on the first of April the supporters have all been Kickstartered in the nuts. Check this out: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1144730038/why-we-ride/comments

PotbellyJoe said...

Brilliant.

My Easter Resolution is to start riding to work next week and put the car that I bought from the bank into hibernation.

Unfortunately one of the flatter longer roads that i used to take to work was repaved and when they restriped it, they stole 2' from the shoulders/bike paths.

Mr. T said...

Happy April, Fools!

bad boy of the north said...

Happy april fools day!out for a long ride while waiting for my adult stepson to move back to his daddy.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Your alias should be Mr. Whirley Crank.

DB said...

Headed for Abu Dhabi tomorrow to see brand new grandson.
I'll report back on bicycling issues in the UAE.
Not taking my bike, maybe I can rent one.
May be easier to rent a Maserati.

sTONEdEADLAND said...

Gah! Pencil eraser-suspended indeed! Got tricked into procuring one of those Manitou forks for my awesome ALUMINIUM biek in the early '90s. Talk about stiction, was back to the Tange after a few rides.

Bryan said...

What's up with that saddle on the Bianchi locked up next the Manitou? Looks like it is falling apart.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Cross-pollination? According to Fat Cyclist's post today, his site has been purchased by Red Kite Prayer, and he now writes for them exclusively.

Also, according to Velonews, Putin has nationalized Saxo-Tinkoff.

Wait, what day is it?

Freddy Murcks said...

I am guessing that Manitou is at least 25 years old. I distinctly remember lusting over that bike when I was in college.

Freddy Murcks said...

And that Manitou has that sweet 1st generation Manitou suspension fork, which is really nothing more than a glorified pogo stick.

Anonymous said...

Man, that jacket is sweet! But 1000 euros? Oy.
Let me know if you want to sell one, I bet Brooks gave you a whole closet full of em....

Bryan said...

Did someone mention tweed riding? No? Oh, I guess I did.

bieks said...

Wait a minute, I thought you said there were no April Fool jokes! Nice play with the Fabian Cancellara cologne. But then Specialized is always a joke, so the cologne is obviously the real one. If only there was a way to look these things up and check for myself. So confused.

At least the robot's dancing - or mocking me. Oh god.

grog said...

Your shoelace is untied...

babble on said...

Heh heh, a lesbian... :D

Er, I had no idea you were such a slave to fashion, snobberdoodums. Only the chic-est of the chic are onto the socks in sandals thing so soon. But suddenly it IS a thing again, especially for men. Or male lesbians. And I figured that was one fashion which would never, ever return, so vilified did it become. I blame norm-core.

Rendezvouzing is awkward, too, but I still want to know more about what you were doing. Not sure I do want to know what that fucking thing is, though.

Even though we have perfectly functional mountains just across the bridge (which I crossed on a good morning ride this morning) I prolly only hop on ol Rocky's Got Soul once a year now a dayz. But all the mountain bike riding I used to do has given me roadie-chicken-wings I have to consciously clip, because they most certainly don't help a girl fly.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Man, even a Pathetic Old Cyclist won't do the sox and sandals thing!

babble on said...

Oh here we go...
Silca rids the world of seat bags for good with the new personal support drone. Video is just an added bonus. Lol! Sure, laugh now, but you know Snobi Wan will have to do a proper product review/shred in no time.

babble on said...

But suddenly the sox/sandals thing is for the uber-hip! Next year, (Ok, 2017 at the latest) you'll be used to seeing it all over again. Promise.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Onlt with Sans A Belt pants!

CommieCanuck said...

In my job, socks and sandals is a code for, "fuck it, I have tenure". Also ponytails.

GDAM HIPY

crosspalms said...

Babble,
That's pretty good. I'm surprised it isn't in the Uber catalog.

Anonymous said...

The temporary wash-off spray. So, what happens to it after it washes off? Does it decompose? Degrade? Biodegrade? Or does it wash into the Eviroment, for fish and/or etc to ingest and suffer from?

Anonymous said...

Snob, I'm surprised that no one has stolen your extracycle bag. Is that bolted on somehow?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous,

It would take some real doing to remove the bag, which would then be useless unless you already have an Xtracycle.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

Lol! That calendar was made for today. Heh heh. Clip on beard extensions... Even with tenure, that would raise a few eyebrows.

babble on said...

Fucking dain bramage. Catalog. Not calendar.

bad boy of the north said...

I guess I'm the april fool.step-sonny won't budge.well,another ride,manana,and legal papers.ugh!

bad boy of the north said...

babble..the silca would decapitate half the peloton...

babble on said...

WAIT a minute. Those are so not your legs. You musta stole that photo outta GQ or something....

babble on said...

Bad Boy- ok, but you would get a great shot of the carnage.

Anonymous said...

You could use the Xtracycle bag fabric to sew up an Inspector Gadget jacket knockoff. All the patterns and instructions you need can be gleaned from today's blog.

I like to drill small holes in my panniers' hanger things and thread a brake cable through them, clamping the cable to the frame.

bad boy of the north said...

babble,that would be cool.

bad boy of the north said...

babble,it could send you a soothing balm when you fall.just think,no bruising.

bieks said...

Anon 5:05 - all of it and none of it. They can say all of it in the marketing, but science will prove that none of it is true. Just like "biodegradable" plastic bags.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bad boy of the north: There is such a balm. It is called Arnica Pomade, and is generally available at the local Mercado.

babble on said...

WIWM - tell that to my ass! I have been taking the tablets and balming the balm on me bum, but there's oh so definitely still a bruise on it.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Babbleon, there are a number of things I would like to tell your ass, but propriety prevents me from expressing them here.

bad boy of the north said...

thanks wiwm.

Anonymous said...

DB:

As for "ease of rental" it is undoubtably a Russian.

Is Abu dahbi in the dessert or the desert? I could never get that one.

-DE

BamaPhred said...

Lob have meh, or I'll have to file a cease and desist order. The pollen, the pollen, the horror, the horror....
Don't laugh suckers it's headed your way.

BamaPhred said...

I did see the first hummingbird at my feeder today. It's one of the harbringers of pollen hell. The bastard.
If Snob goes bare legged, if you can call that fur bare legged, in sandals and socks, in an Inspector Gadget jacket, that takes real balz fashion sense wise. After all, all we saw was the jacket, socks, and sandals. Remaining clothing only speculation.
I'm with Babble on that one. That must have been the April Fools jape.

Cipo's Intragallactic Marketing TEiAM said...

Cipo's Vulva Lovepaint. Premature Ejaculator's dream. Stop wasting time trying to find the 'direct route.' No wasted thrusting*.

*Use of miner's type headlamp required.

Cipo's Vulva Lovepaint is a registered trademark of Cipo Love Industries International.

Anonymous said...

Xtr canti's, nice. Surprised you didn't steal them.

babble on said...

WIWM - careful. You never know what kind of response you'll get. It IS rather cheeky, after all.

Abu Dahbi is in the desert. A desert has less water, and less S's, too. Peeps always want more dessert, and it has more S's.

Anonymous said...

Brazil!

Freddy Murcks said...

A few things that we know: Doping didn't end when countries like Spain, Italy and Germany made sports doping an actual crime, making it too dangerous for the doping Drs to continue with their business. Doping didn't end, it just moved east to the former Soviet Union. Katusha is a well financed Russian team. Katusha's riders have been winning a lot lately. You can make your own conclusions.

Endo-King said...

Christ, there's so much to work with in this fucking post, . . . where to start?

Wait, no, I've got it! Fondon't update, please.

Fowler's said...

Correction:

Abu Dhabi.

JB said...

Babble typed: "But all the mountain bike riding I used to do has given me roadie-chicken-wings I have to consciously clip, because they most certainly don't help a girl fly."

What does this mean?

-mtn biker

babble on said...

Good morning! On a mountain bike you get into the habit of keeping your elbows open and bent. On a roadbike you don't lock your elbows, but you have to keep them tucked close to your body, lest you lose speed to unnecessary wind resistance. You can almost always tell who came to a roadbike from a mountain bike by the way they hold their arms. Or so I've been told.

Spokey said...

correct

On a roadbike you don't lock your elbows, but you have to keep them tucked close to your body

to

On a r̶o̶a̶d̶b̶i̶k̶e̶ fredchariot you don't lock your elbows, but you have to keep them tucked close to your body

there be plenty of we FOWGs who ride roadbikes down the road flapping their wings like a chicken.

bieks said...

And then there are those who lock their elbows too and need more height on their goofy tiller effect.

Professional Fitter said...

Be sure to keep your knee's locked and bent and close to your body. You know....for less resistance.

Anonymous said...

"Like why is a Fabian Cancellara fragrance any more ridiculous than, say, a $1,000 fat bike for kids?"

...and why is getting a Surly Big Dummy to haul your kid around for $2100* any less ridiculous than, say, a $1,000 fat bike for kids?!

I wonder which your son would prefer. But who cares when it comes to spending money on yourself, eh?

* $2100 assuming no fancy options -- and you ARE kind of a fancy-options guy, so let's say 4k

Mark said...

That Volvo spray paint would make a great top coat for ghost bikes.

Jone Mark said...

nice post thanks for posting i will read this post another time

موقع عاجل - محرك بحث اخباري عربي (اخر الاخبار من جميع المصادر) موقع عاجل - محرك بحث اخباري عربي (اخر الاخبار من جميع المصادر)
عاجل اليمن (اخر الاخبار والاحداث في اليمن) عاجل اليمن (اخر الاخبار والاحداث في اليمن)
عاجل السعودية (خبر عاجل اخر التطورات والاحداث بالسعودية) عاجل السعودية (خبر عاجل اخر التطورات والاحداث بالسعودية)
عاجل مصر (عاجل ام الدنيا كل ما يحدث بمصر اولا بأول) عاجل مصر (عاجل ام الدنيا كل ما يحدث بمصر اولا بأول)
عاجل موبايل (لا تبحث عن الخبر مع عاجل انت في قلب الحدث ) عاجل موبايل (لا تبحث عن الخبر مع عاجل انت في قلب الحدث )

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