Wednesday, March 11, 2015

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Grab-And-Go!

Yesterday I mentioned taxi drivers and safety, and yesterday night a reader spotted this by the Manhattan entrance to the 59th Street Bridge, also known as the Queensboro Bridge, and also also known as the Ed Koch Queensboro Bridge, but only on signs:


(Photo by "roynyc.")

If you look closer, you can see a police officer talking to the driver:


This photo would be perfect for a caption contest, and here's my submission:


Feel free to offer your own in the comments below, and if you come up with a good one you win nothing.

Nothing.

Speaking of exemplary driving, yesterday morning this happened:


Any New York City Fred worth his or her crabon wheelset will recognize that as the steep portion of the Hudson River Greenway just under the George Washington Bridge, so you can add "Falling Buses" to the list of greenway indignities, just after "They're Never Cleared in Winter" and "Rollerbladers."

As for me, I'm glad I didn't use the Hudson River Greenway to get to Brooklyn yesterday morning, because if I had then a bus might have landed on my head, and there's no helment that's going to protect against that.  Instead, I took the subway.  (As for why I took the subway, see Greenway Indignity #1: "They're Never Cleared in Winter.")  All was well on the way to Brooklyn, but my return trip was not so smooth, because I boarded a train just after the massive signal failure and just before the shooting.

There's never a dull moment riding the rails in this town.

So there we were, sitting on a train that was going nowhere.  Every few minutes the conductor would make an announcement along the lines of "Attention customers we're delayed due to garglefarglebarble at Chambers Street," and I knew when he didn't even bother to add the ironic "We'll be moving shortly" that we weren't going anywhere anytime soon.  So I got off the train and went upstairs, only to find an MTA employee closing the station with tape at god-knows-how-much-money an hour.  "No trains!," he cried as he festooned the turnstiles with caution streamers like he was decorating for an eight year-old's birthday party.  All around me was chaos.  "Where shall we go, what should we do?," simpered the assorted hipsters, yupsters, tourists, and other schmucks--helpless and stupid, every last one of them.

I however, was unconcerned, for there was a Citi Bike station just outside, and I had my ass in the hole:


(Not my key, or my delicate manicured hands that have been soaking in Palmolive.)

First I withdrew a suitable bicycle (to the extent that any Citi Bike is suitable), and then I bowed my head over the cockpit and recited the Citi Biker's Creed:


Yield to pedestrians
Stay off the sidewalk
Obey traffic lights
Ride with traffic

Amen.

Next, I pointed the bike onto the Manhattan Bridge:


As soon as it starts getting warm out there's always someone who's a little too excited and breaks out the shorts:


I, however, was wearing my Brooks Inspector Gadget jacket:


Which looks especially dashing when spattered with light rain:


As I pedaled away from the chaos underground I felt delightfully smug, and my Citi Bike was also in surprisingly good working order, to the extent that I could actually engage all three (3) of its gears!


Apparently the beleaguered bike share system is getting its act together--in fact, they're even expanding:


The light blue represents the neighborhoods you can't afford to live in anymore, and the dark blue represents the neighborhoods you can't enter without a card key from a major investment bank or law firm.

As for the gray, all of it is collectively referred to by The New York Times as "The next Williamsburg."

Now, the Manhattan Bridge bike path is usually to Cat 6 racing what Walmart is to hordes of overweight shoppers with visible ass cracks, but given the rain the scene was a bit more subdued, and most riders opted for an expression of dignified nonplussitude:


Though here's another overly ebullient rider in shorts:


Things did seem to heat up a bit as I descended into the small village of Manhattan:


Where I tested the roadholding limits of my Citi Bike's tires as I made the cheddar-sharp right hand turn:


I was holding the phone in my left hand at this point and braking with my right, and believe me when I tell you that the stopping power of a Citi Bike's rear brake in the rain is exactly nonexistent.

So I swapped hands, scrubbed off some speed, and negotiated the gratuitous bollards with their strange LED lights that must serve some nefarious purpose I'm afraid to contemplate:


(Never mind the bollards.)

Then I skirted this bike lane pedestrian:


Used this guy as a mechanical hare:


(X marks the fixie.)

Dodged delivery salmon in a bike lane full of grit and grime:


And then unceremoniously dumped the Citi Bike at the next station and took the subway the rest of the way home.

Bike share may or may not be the future of transit, but it sure is a handy Band Aid for our crumbling infrastructure.

105 comments:

Two Claws said...

Two claws up!

balls™ said...

scranus

BamaPhred said...

Podiodio

Anonymous said...

Scrotium!!!

samh said...

Cop to the taxi driver, "No, you got it wrong. You're supposed to stay OFF the sidewalk."

Flyover BC said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

je suis dans le premier dix

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Top 10 Scranuses

crosspalms said...

"Look, fella, I'd help you but I'm behind on my quota of ticketing cyclists. You got a phone, just call an ambulance."

ken e. said...

squeeky

BamaPhred said...

Cop to taxi driver. Tough luck buddy but some of them get away.
Nice impromptu travelogue, under duress no doubt.

streepo said...

Of course I won't give you a ticket. I know you have a cyclist squished underneath.

Phildefer said...

Caption: "I just called Uber. They'll give you a ride home"

Glory said...

"You know, the MTA's hiring. I can put in a good word."

babble on said...

Nothing. I've got nothing.

Does that mean I won?

Anonymous said...

Toppus XX

PotbellyJoe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PotbellyJoe said...

By not entering you also can't lose, so if the prize is nothing, you've already won.

I'm going to go lay down for a while.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Those are mind control bollards. The LED's indicate that the radio frequency emitters are functioning.

Anonymous said...

Cop to Taxi Driver: "I rushed over here as soon as I got the call from your union representative."

dnk said...

Cop says to driver:

"Don't worry about a thing, buddy."

Flyover BC said...

Cop to taxi driver: " I gonna hafta cite youse for damaging city property.

Taxi driver to Cop: "But there's a pedestrian under the taxi".

Cop to Taxi driver: Oh, then there's no criminality. Your free to go.

RANTWICK said...

caption: The light is not for us, not today, dammit! STOP! DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!

Flyover BC said...

It was announced today that Bike Share is coming to Albuquerque.

Two minutes later the local weatherman proposed to start a betting pool for the date that the last bike is stolen.

Thomas Edison said...

I was holding the phone in my left hand at this point and braking with my right

You know Mr. Snob, if you got one of these and carried it around with you at all times, you could mount it on any CitiBike you choose to rent and go back to braking with either hand. Or if you got them to give you one for free.

Another or, you could mount your existing Fly 6 upside down on the head tube of the bike you own, and use free software to flip the imagines, you could also brake with either hand. Noting the time/date in the upper left, I’m pretty sure that is what this guy did. (The Fly 6 on the head tube bit, I don’t think he had time to brake with any hand.)

Dooth said...

Nevermind...Here's the Sex Pistol.

Thomas Edison said...

*image

Anonymous said...

Cop to taxi hack: "Next time, you don't have to drive on two wheels to use the bike lane. Just drive down the middle of it!"

P. Bateman said...

wouldnt you know - apparently Waka Flocka Flame is being mentioned on the news again

http://gawker.com/morning-joe-hosts-blame-rappers-for-sae-frats-racist-ch-1690754211

now i'll go read the today's post since really fall behind the pack apparently. stupid cross winds.

Anonymous said...

speaking of the indignity of bike commuting, I was riding home from work Monday night and was right hooked by a delivery guy on an electric bike. broke my pedal and some other minor bike damage as well as road rash and bruises. (relax, the delivery guy was fine). I was changing pedals the next morning hastily and like a complete idiot cross threaded the pedal and then like a bigger idiot continued to force it into the crank, thereby destroying both the pedal and the crankset. About $75 to replace. I opted to ride in anyway on the wobbly pedal, made it in but on my way home the pedal, not unsurprisingly, fell off. As it was raining and I was with one pedal I opted to put the bike in a garage near my office for the night and take the subway home, another $10. I could have locked it up outside overnight, but there would have been about a zero percent chance of it still being there the next morning. So because of a careless delivery guy compounded by my own stupidity I'm now like $85 down and on top of that I have to take the subway while I'm waiting for the new crankset and pedals to be delivered. fuck.

Daniel said...

Cop to Cabbie: Sick grind

dnk said...

dang, anonymous @1:36, that is a pile-on of indignity, with compounded interest.

grog said...

Hey Babe, garglefarglebarble.

Twob Rake said...

cop : My turn now!

bad boy of the north said...

cop to taxi driver..."holy crap!is that what you charge to go from manhattan to queens?"

Anonymous said...

cop: "How 'bout those Mets?"

DB said...

And THAT's why you can't have a pet ferret in the taxi.

P. Bateman said...

Cop: How did this happen?

Taxi: i was listening to Waka Flocka Flame's new track and it goes so hard and is so hot that i lost my fucking mind.

Fredder said...

Narcissistic of me, I know, but it pleases me that you are still stalking my commute, you bollard.

McFly said...

"Could you please ask the naked couple in the back seat to stop going at it....the cab may tip from a gyrating pendulum effect."

P. Bateman said...

Cop: how did this happen?

Taxi: i'm an avid triathlete and i wanted to get some extra bike training in so i put it on two wheels but immediately crashed.


(i think we have a winner)

Bryan said...

Cop: How fast were you going?
Driver: Fast enough to bang your mom before you dad got home

Yeah, I got nothing creative today. Thanks for blurring your face so my monitor didn't break, that was quite considerate.

I jest. I'm just envious of that jacket. Go go gadget velo!

Anonymous said...

Is there a problem officer?

il Pirata est Mort said...

Cop: All that's left of him is his gaped orange asshole and his guts are from here to the E-Z Pass.
Hack: Sorry for littering.
Cop: Have a good day.

1904 Cadardi said...

Cop: "That's why we can't have nice things."

Regular guy said...

I want pictures of the pedestrian in a skirt! All I saw was some shmuck in accidentally bleached jeans.

Anonymous said...

Thumbs up Boris Bike Guy is still funny. But he won't be for much longer...

Anonymous said...

Driver to cop: B-b-but I got 95% on the test!

1904 Cadardi said...

Only vaguely (vaguely) related to cycling, but this is amusing.

The Golden Bean

Anonymous said...

"it came outta nowhere"

DoNotReact said...

Yes! That's me, too excited about the warm weather in my shorts and "Don't Kill Me" jacket. Yes! So pumped! An official appearance on my favorite blog. YES!—Wilson

CommieCanuck said...

"It's nothing officer, I may have over-filled my passenger-side tires".

OR

"It was more for crackle-crunch sound, is that a Trek or a Specialized? I used to be able to tell."

OR

"Anyone call Triathlon cab company? Your ride is here."

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Taxi Driver, "Death to America!!"


vsk


leroy's dog said...

I talked my way into the dark blue neighborhood years ago.

leroy got in using the line "I'm with the band."

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:46pm,

But then I'll keep using him anyway until it's so not funny it's funny again.

Only the "woosies" quit doing something when it stops being funny.

DoNotReact,

So did you do the shorts again today???

I am the opposite, I couldn't wrap my head around the delightful weather today and I overdressed.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Cop: “Hey.”
Cabbie: “Hey.”
Cop: “Are you ok?”
Cabbie: “Are YOU ok?”
Cop: “Stop repeating everything I say”.
Cabbie: Stop repeating everything I say”.
Cop: “WTF?”
Cabbie: “WTF?”

leroy said...

My dog informs me he's much funnier in person and I should stop quoting him.

Good thing I don't listen to half the stuff he says.

Eventually, quoting him will be funny again.

P. Bateman said...

Cop: how did this happen?

Taxi: i was reading BIKESNOBNYC on my phone and he posted a photo of his face and i lost control when i vomited.

Cop: let me see your phone

[taxi hands phone to policeman who then promptly vomits]

Cop: we'll investigate this BikeSnob and his crime against humanity immediately if not sooner.

Dave said...

Love the pixillation; pencil-thin mustache in classic Cubist style.

LeSoigneur said...

Gotta give that first prize nothing to DB @ 2:03 - comment of the day for shizzle.

Freddy Murcks said...

Never mind the bollards, it's the Bike Path.

DB said...

Well, thank you for your consideration, LeS. We'd best explain to folks that NYC has banned ferrets as pets.
I would like to know Leroys dog's opinion on this matter.

babble on said...

You qualify for a spot on the LGRAB Fashion Friday post with that Canadian tuxedo hiding under your Inspector Gadget jacket, snobberdoodums. The ladies will love you.

DB said...

Need you can use:
Jeremy Clarkson fired from that car show that BBC airs. Oh yeah, Top Gear.

K-Bo said...

Cop to Cabbie:
Thanks for playing Crash Cab.

bieks said...

Cop: "Okay, I'm going to let you off with a warning as long as you go back to driving a bus as soon as your suspension is lifted"

bad boy of the north said...

beware...mudslide on the old croton aqueduct in yonkers,today.
maybe snob can check it out and give us an update.:)

dop said...

Ebullient.

Is the Canadian tuxedo anything like the Cleveland steamer? Inquiring Minds and all that

BikeSnobNYC said...

bad boy of the north,

Wow, I just rode through Yonkers this afternoon--but not on the aqueduct.

I just looked up the mudslide though and know exactly where it is, though I rarely ride that section...and therefore cannot be blamed.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Charlie said...

The Canadian tuxedo is not, thankfully, like a "Cleveland Steamer".

It refers to a high-fashion denim-and-denim clothing combination.

more here: link

Keef What's My Name said...

Taxi Driver (C. Marin): How's my driving?

Copper (T. Chong): I think you're parked Man.

uuuuuhhhh I forgot said...

Will bike mounted power bongs be allowed at this year's FonDon't?

All your bridge incident reports remind me of the time I was crossing the Trogg's Neck Bridge with a Wild Thang who I wanted to spend me life with as Love was all around me/us.

Thang ... said...

It was written on the wind it was.

Anonymous said...

Cop: "You ever suck a guy's cock? Show me how you suck a guy's cock."

Anonymous said...

SInce I'm not going to win anything I'm not going to try very hard:

Cop: Who farted?

Hack: Exactly!

dop said...

Charlie-

I never thought I'd see a link to vogue on bsnyc. Cleveland steamer definitely does not equal Canadian tuxedo. That's a load off my mind. Perhaps a load off my chest.

Cleveland Steamer said...

There's something I'd like to get off of my chest.

BamaPhred said...

Speaking of shitty, check this out
I thought Snob wrote this as humor, but it is real.

Anonymous said...

Cop: "I said. Ungh. I said, put it in reverse. Ungh. I can't......hold ........this car.........up..........much longer.

Anonymous said...

Cop: "I don't care if there's a bicyclist under your cab. That traffic cone is municipal property, dammit, now MOVE IT!"

XXX said...

Cop, "I don't care if you were late to pick someone up, sometimes life is not fare."X

bad boy of the north said...

yup,snob,know the spot pretty well myself.my old job took me all over yonkers..

dop said...

That mudslide is near the part of the trail where people leave their old furniture...better to take Ashburton to cross over from the county trailway

JLRB said...

Cop: "Well Meow I'm going to need to see your license and registration"

Bennett Surf said...

Snob!

Bollards Smollards.

Those are definitely Nordic Teutonic Arian Viking Cipo Penis Effigies ...

Anonymous said...

Lanterne rouge...

Anonymous said...

Hey bikesnob - check this out

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/sydney-driver-thomas-kerr-who-struck-seven-cyclists-at-eastlakes-may-withdraw-guilty-pleas-court-hears-20150312-141ybj.html

Anonymous said...

"I mistook the gas for the brake"

ce said...

Cop: "Can I see your licence? Thank you... Mr Clarkson. Wait, aren't you on TV? What are you doing working as a taxi driver?"

Cabbie: "Bugger off, you [insert racial slur]"

Cop: [Shrugs, pulls out taser, proceeds to tase mangled cyclist caught under taxi]

ce said...

Inspector Snobbo, the creepy bollards are clearly part of the network of infrastructure being built around you by Obama The Antichrist, the ultimate purpose of which will only be revealed on the day that the master activation switch is finally flipped and the Prison Planet comes into full effect. Note that the bollards leave four gaps between them as a thoroughfare for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Disasters, such as snow storms and mudslides, as well as trumpet like horn blasts (possibly a cities worth of subway trains simultaneously reacting to a sudden state of confusion) are prophesied to herald their arrival. The time is near.

JLRB said...

pixilation nation

Anonymous said...

"I confused the brake for a break"

bad boy of the north said...

thanks,dop,for reminding me how "beautiful" ashburton is.not.

Jon Webb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jodphoto said...

Taxi driver to cop, "I didn't see the wall. It should have a blinky on it."

dop said...

spokey...the century is calling..

The Century said...

SPOKEY!! WHERE YOU AT???

Anonymous said...

Cop: "What the hell Samjeed? You couldn't drive a greased chair leg up a goat's ass."

The Century (and I don't mean the Montauk Century) said...

SPOKEY!! YOU GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!

BamaPhred said...

Sneaking by for the podium?

Anonymous said...

Yonkuhs.

bad boy of the north said...

yonkas

Anonymous said...

Titonka.

Anonymous said...

Mint!

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