Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I Got Your Wednesday Right Here.

Further to my post yesterday on Old Man Brooks's site, an astute reader noticed my stuck chain link:


Yikes.  Between that and the too-short rear derailleur housing it's a wonder the bike shifts at all.

Another commenter had this to say:

Old-timer said...

Let’s see…NYC in February: bone-chilling, freezing temperatures. Glacial, monstrous snow accumuclation. Frigid, overcast sky. Frosty, biting wind.

Why?

(Dispatch from Planet California.)

FEBRUARY 17, 2015 AT 3:08 PM

Hey, yeah, California!  Thanks, I never thought of that.  I guess I'll just pick up and move across the country because life is just that easy!

Well, sure, I suppose life can be that easy if you're the sort of free-spirited person who does stuff like moving to other places "just because."  I, however, have never been one of those people, which is why I don't live in California.  See, your surroundings are a reflection of your inner nature, and my inner nature is cold and irritable.  I live where I do because of some bad karma I must have accumulated.

Also, I worry that California might be too pleasant for me.  I'd probably be better off somewhere the lousy weather would keep my happiness in check, and where I could hire myself out as a freelance flat repair technician:


Kerbi's not slated to launch until March, but the idea is simple. Folks with mechanical skills can sign up to be repair providers and users who have a problem can then send out an alert for their nearest puncture fixing expert to come to the rescue.

Kerbi sees couriers as potential repair providers as they're out on the streets, highly and quickly mobile, and have to be good at fixing punctures to stay in business.

Here's a video to show how it works:


Locating Kerbi Agents from Kerbi on Vimeo.

I was a little confused by the video, what with its fast cuts and sassy millennials, but let me see if I've got it.  So Nü-Fred is riding around on his fixie:


With the locked arms and look of concentration bordering on panic which is typical of the breed:


When his face collapses into a pudding of dismay:


Why?  Because he's not wearing expensive cycling-specific jeans and he's been parading his ass crack all over town!

Just kidding.

No, he's got a flat:



Now nothing strikes terror in the heart of a Nü-Fred quite like a puncture, which is why this passing cyclist regards him with a disconcerting look of predatory bemusement:


Spotting her victim, she hunches over her bag like a witch over a cauldron, and then she withdraws what at first glance appears to be a mini-pump but upon closer inspection is clearly some kind of blowgun or tranquilizer dart:


From this we can infer that she means to stun and incapacitate him and then drag him back to her lair for some nefarious purpose.

Meanwhile, blissfully oblivious to the peril he's in, Nü-Fred whips out his smartphone and launches the Kerbi app:


Which immediately pinpoints the exact location of every courier in the area:


How this works is a closely-guarded professional secret, and Kerbi will only say that their proprietary messenger algorithm is somehow able to pick up the unique combination of self-importance, body odor, and THC emitted by couriers.

Anyway, Uma the Courier receives a notification that there is a helpless Nü-Fred in the immediate vicinity:


(Nice Lucas Brunelle hat.)

Who is also willing to pay a whopping £11 (or US$125) for the privilege of not getting his hands or sweater dirty:


Frank also gets the call, but he's too busy admiring his spoke cards:


As for Alex, he's still trying to figure out what's in the vegan chili his roommate made last night:


"Is that a black bean or a rat turd?," he wonders.  Either way, the call goes unheeded:


So Uma accepts the job:


And high-tails it over there with £ signs in her eyes:


Meanwhile, Nü-Fred stands there, a monument to uselessness, even more so than the utterly obsolete phone booth behind him:


Then he grows impatient and starts tapping at his smartphone, oblivious to the fact that Uma is dismounting ninja-like behind him even as he does so:


And within moments she's working deftly at his wheel like it's a soiled baby and she wants it to shut up:


As for the first cyclist, she's disgusted:


Then, the pumping starts:


And for some reason this absolutely devastates her:


Her spirit crushed, she turns her palms heavenward and begins to sob.

As for Nü-Fred, he's just like, "Duh, you're amazing, how did you do that?!?"


Then they shake hands, Uma tells him to get a clue, and they both go their separate ways:


The end.

PS: Don't feel too bad for that first cyclist, because she'll soon find out true love was waiting for her all along.


It's always in the last place you look.

109 comments:

Legalize POT!!!! said...

BAM!!!!!

PotbellyJoe said...

2?

Anonymous said...

podium

BamaPhred said...

Podium

BamaPhred said...

Damn. Beat by a bike toss! Congrats winners.

Vernal Magina said...

... His name is Paul Revere.

Two Claws said...

Yowzah!

Freddy Murcks said...

If I want a 12yo girl to fix my flat, I'll hang out at a grade school.

Anonymous said...

If Uma promises to show up, I'll be riding the new Jan Heine tires on my city bike.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Tenth?

dop said...

Who needs kerbi? the Brits had Monty Python's bicycle repairman all along

Anonymous said...

I like that the guy doesn't take his helmet off at any point during the whole process. Also found this catalog of ancient bicycling accessories. The lubricant section is especially eye opening.

http://spitalfieldslife.com/2015/02/17/the-metropolitan-machinists-co/

trama said...

i hate apps, aps? apps. you know what I mean.

3G said...

Something tells me Uma is going to end up with all of the calls based on the fact that every guys is gonna want to show her their balls

PotbellyJoe said...

It's always in the last place you look.

Because if you kept looking you would be insane.

I hear California is nice, except for the fact that it's full of Californians.

From a guy who has lived in too many states, political and altered, I enjoyed my time in NYC.

And having lived in Lowell, MA and Kalamazoo, MI for a few winters, it makes you appreciate how good NYC actually has it.

ken e. said...

stupid work. "i coulda been a contender..."

ken e. said...

stupid flat tires redeemed by even stupider humans.
stupid, stupid, stupid.
is it the alpacalypse yet?

Anonymous said...

ya, uma.ponytail.butt.kerbi, i am sure she shows up for every flat

and not for double the price, too



wle

babble on said...

Course it's always in the last place you look... cause what kind of fool would keep looking after they've found it?

OMG!! You're hermetic, too, snobberdooderdoo! As above, so below, as within, so without. Your surroundings are a reflection of your inner nature, and so it makes perfect sense that this silly drip should live in a rainforest. But Karma is a bitch. You have to wonder what kind of monster I must have been in a former lifetime to deserve so many painful mishaps in this...

babble on said...

Lol! Yer quick today, PBJoe, but I have better dope. Podium kisses. XX :)

Anonymous said...

Bet this will get a few clicks form this site. Girl Walks Around NYC With No Pants. Most of you will think it is a trick but will not be able to resist clicking anyway.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and...Good One Today, Snob!

Grump said...

I'll often stop to fix a Fredflat. If they have their own tube, it'll only be $25. If they don't it'll be $35 and I'll throw in my "fredtube" that has 12 patches on it.
Of course, all the while I'm fiximh the fredflat, I get to deride them for not being able to fix it themselves, and warn them about the dangers of stiff links.


dcee604 said...

Hmm, our automobile association (Your AAA) will come out to fix your bike flat if you're a member.

Comment deleted said...

Comcast, upset with the negative press they've been receiving lately, have decided to engage in a work slowdown. Now, instead of raising rates every two months, they will only do it every four.

"That will show them" said Comcast Chief of Customer Dissatisfaction Ed Prickface.

Drock said...

I did not see Uma with any baby powder. If she ain't putting baby powder on my tubes then I think I just keep the flat, plus I want my repair girl to sport a chiseled jaw line, those puffy English cheeks say I love roast beef, no french joke intended.

Spokey said...

since uma joined the force i stopped carrying tubes. now i never biek without my trusty ice pick.

bad boy of the north said...

poor nu fred.what will happen to olde fred?

dop said...

What do you call a bike with a kinked chain & wrong-size derailleur? A snowbike.

Ryan Kelley said...

Absurd. I am going to sign up for Kerbi. Thanks for the heads up Bike Snob.

Anonymous said...

I need it to get to 116.

Crescent Fresh.

bieks said...

£11? Does that include the emasculation-by-Uma up-charge? Asking for a friend.

Anonymous said...

Looking at the ninja girl dismounting the bike....

For all people that need to read Do and Don't lists before figuring out things....

When riding a bike in the city,

1) Always dismount on the sidewalk side.

2) Always put your foot down on the sidewalk side.

Since americans like to obey rules, please add these to your "How to..." bible.

Duh



wishiwasmerckx said...

Drock, to each his own. I found Uma plenty boner-worthy.

janinedm said...

I could see myself using this sometimes. In the Spring there's always a fresh influx of road kill not all of which is easily avoidable in traffic. At those times, I'm always like: please don't catch a flat, I can't touch this tire today. If I ever caught a flat on such a day, I'd be happy to hide my frame pump and let someone else get squirrel syphilis. Sorry not sorry.

PotbellyJoe said...

Babs, as long as that's not a Nibali pump-fake of a podium kiss. Thanks.

But please don't make me look like a fool on Perezhilton.

Haha.

JLRB said...

Wow first Brookes, now Kerbi - 2 days in a row of peddling for the Brits...what will the purists say about this?!?

Old-timer said...

Snob,

No worries! If you ever DID pack up your enterprise and re-locate to California, well, having “bad Karma” baggage is just about a necessary precondition, almost a motive! Here in California, we use bad Karma as landfill. As for your self-proclaimed “cold and irritable inner nature”, isn’t that the engine that drives your formidable scythe for clearing cycling-related bull sh*t? You’d be MOST welcome here! Never doubt it! California: a veritable jungle of cycling-related bull sh*t. Com’on over!!!

JLRB said...

Anon @1:20 - very resistible - now as they say to knife wielding bike thieves in Portland, scram.*

*I do not mean to imply that I have any control over who does or should post comments - the scram was a personal reaction and zzzz zz zzz

babble on said...

I always, always kiss fer real. Because mmm. :)

leroy said...

My dog wishes to point out that if I had $1.50 for every time a young lady struck me with a tranquilizer dart from a blow gun in order to stun and incapacitate me to drag me back to a lair for nefarious purposes, I still couldn't afford to take the bus.

But if you cut out the part about being dragged back to a lair for nefarious purposes, I might be able to afford a latte.

I mean if I could figure out who shot me with the dart.

BamaPhred said...

Everybody knows Uma (Schwiiiiing, btw) isn't gonna show.
You hit up Kerbi, and a goon shows up to rob you, or worse. Or the other way, you answer a Kerbi, and when you arrive you get "jobbed". Of course some people like that anonymous violent kind of thing. But a great post, hilarious.

Bryan said...

Wait, did the dark haired cutie get a flat at the same time, and not able to fix it by the time the good lookin' blond got there and took care of middle aged clueless nu-fred? Cause, I would have helped her for the cost of getting a drink with me. It's Europe, so drinking during business hours is absolutely acceptable.

I remember my first flat on a roadbike. I gave up cause I kept trying to patch it instead of just replacing the tube - couldn't get the patch to stay on. The only time I have called home for a ride BUT, I had a pump with me. So, there was that.

As for what's in that chili, ask Scott Tenorman

Bryan said...

PS- I will always choose the brunette over the blond. Always.

Anonymous said...

...and bring some water!

dop said...

I suppose with a brunette it's easier to find pubic hairs and remove them from your teeth. OTOH, with a suicide blond, no problem.

JB said...

Uma is able to inflate my tube from across the pond. Amiright!!! LOL!!1!!1 Photo 17...

dop said...

Uma's nice, no pretensions. She thinks a dipthong is a bikini bottom.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure rat turds aren't vegan.

JLRB said...

Uh, fifty?

1904 Cadardi said...

PBJ and Babs,

A co-worker and I were looking for something in our lab when, just as we found our quarry, a well disliked bossman popped in and said "It's always in the last place you look." We decided to keep looking because we hated him, and because we're idiots, but mainly to piss off bossguy.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Nu Fred is a douche. A huge fuckin' douche. Uma should have rolled him, she could probably kick his ass. Anyone who is so ham fisted that he cant fix his own flat, but finds it easier to pony up 150.00 for someone else to fix it deserves to get beat

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

People like that really make me fuckin' sick.

1904 Cadardi said...

Finally got around to reading Monday's post (sorry WildCat, company holidays are celebrated with computer free living so I have to play catch up). Anyone else wonder what the union would be saying if it was a Union member's kid that got hit by a random car?

Probably nothing, but the driver would be buried next to Hoffa by now.

NYer with CA spouse said...

I think you spend enough time in Marin to know different coast, different shit, same hurt on the nose. Anyway, you're wise to postpone any relocation until you can inherit your in-laws' prop-13 controlled property taxes (if that's your situation).

JLRB said...

DOP - great Monty Python link - sweet bike too

JB - Yes on Photo 17 - a great job of frame manipulation by WCRM to capture here rear and the Diversion sign. Art.

PBJ and Babs - What if it is the first place you look?

dockworker said...

When you get a flat in a big city, Fox News tells us machete wielding zombies appear to steal your stuff.

Uma then shows up to fight them off with her pump. Then Uma fixes flat. As broseph rides away, more machete wielding zombies appear as Uma gets another flat fixing job on her smarting phone.

THAT would sell a few flat fixers.

Small problem with this plan, what happens when the tire/tube are FUBAR? Certain theft, then death by zombie.

Be afraid!!!! And drive a car. Wierdos

BamaPhred said...

Bored. Stuck a ice pick in my Gatorskin Kerbi'd up Uma. She shows up an I asked her why she had no pump, nor even any CO2 cartridges. She said "I don't need no stinking pump to blow bike tire." rimshot. Thank you, have a great evening.

FR8 said...

I'm one of those free spirits who upped and moved...to NYC. I came from Scotland, so it may be logical.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

For some strange reason I always click the "just kidding" link even though I know full well where it goes.

Ummagumma is a good double LP.

JLRB said...

"Who is also willing to pay a whopping £11 (or US$125) for the privilege of not getting his hands or sweater dirty:"

First - the privilege of watching Uma work the pump.

First part II: It is really more like £11 (or US$17)

Not too awful compared to what a LBS would charge you if you flatted without a spare and walked it in for repair.

But second, yea, nue-Fred is a complete due-sche

Ki Ho'Alu said...

Love it! See ya Fred's! (Actually, see them all the time) Forbid they actually have a folded tube under leather between the seat rails. I wonder if the Velo-mini-nasty's fix their own flats?

babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
babble on said...

JLRB - it will still be the last place you look, unless you're trying to be contrary. :)

Um, and Freds with heroic tendencies always stop to help when girls get a flat tyre. Which is cool in my case, cause even though I carry all of the appropriate fix-it kit, I am kindov slow and awkward when it comes to changing tires. (Perhaps from a lack of practice?) Trouble is, when ol Bea Bike the Amsterdam Royale gets a flat in the back, even the most eager lycra clad super hero can't get the job done, such a pain in the arse is that bike to work on. You can't fault em for tryin, though...

grog said...

I would pay to have Recumbabe fix my flat.

Anonymous said...

Never mind with the cyclists' dating app, I want to know what happened with the stuck chain link.

I understand you can loosen it up again by bending it back and forward a bit as if breaking a breadstick.

Was this remedial action taken or are you waiting for the app to come out?

crosspalms said...

More lucrative fredflats or Uma'll fucking killya

Anonymous said...

"...the utterly obsolete phone booth behind him"

I was in London last weekend and my smarting phone decided to die. So I found a phone box and rendered it unobsolete. Mind you, my £2 coin only gave me about 40 seconds to tell my wife that I wasn't dead, it was merely my phone that had passed away.

dop said...

WCRM: Have you any sightings of eagles over the Hudson? On the train in this morning I saw 3 Bald Eagles sitting on the ice at Spuyten Duyvil. They were big, and I thought they were wild turkeys, until I saw the white head.

JLRB said...

Babs - One could say if it is in the first place you look, it wasn't lost at all - it is where you put it

McFly said...

I'd pay Uma $125 to inflate the crying brunettes Muddy Mary.

My wifes cousin lives in Californee and she is hot and mountainous.

JB said...

McFly: I'm going to need a translation.

BikeSnobNYC said...

dop,

Wow, never seen one! Will have to keep an eye out.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

Just found this BSNYC

likebikemc.com

Bike convention in Monaco Apr 3-5. Very upscale. Brooks doesn't seem to be an exhibitor so you're prolly out of luck.

Lots of strange bikes worth checking out/laughing at

Anonymous said...

Pfft! A dating app for cyclists will never work.

They are too involved in themselves and the next strava PR to even say hello to Uma.

Okay by me! Helllooo Uma.

Anonymous said...

that isn;t really "UMA"

UMA is an acronym

ugly m@#$ing a@#$#$$$#le

:)

wle

caPt scrAnus said...

scranus

Anonymous said...

"It's always in the last place you look."

That assumes you know what you're looking for!

Keef What's My Name said...

The background music for the Kirbi video? Talking Freds?

Skidd Marx said...

Snob refused to show Uma's camel toe. Snob is an anti cameltoeite.

dop said...

Well no shit it's in the last place I look....once I find it I'm gonna stop looking

dop said...

d'oh! as usual, babs beat me to it

samuel said...

My own seventeen (2) children that the bank doesn't own heard me laughing at this post, and of course they demanded to share in my mirth. So, with only a little explanation needed, I forced them to watch the video and read through. They laughed as well, and I laughed all over again. Then they needed to know who Thumbs Up Boris Bike Guy is, so I had to scroll down to his introduction. All this to say you may not have gained new readers, but an eleven and a sixteen year old have now read a post and a half.

Holy Roller said...

My prayers to Jesus and the miracle protection provided to the righteous by the Holy Spirit protects me from getting flats and also from any interaction with that sinner vixen Uma.

Dooth said...

Young women selling their services on the street...there's something new!

McFly said...

A Muddy Mary is a tire manufactured by Schwalbe. I have no idea about the symbolism. The hot cousin is hot with big uns.

This is the 2nd time today I have had to translate. This frozen landscape is working on my mental health. I did just purchase a 2002 KTM 400 SX off roading motorcycle that is in excellent condition with the head/piston new. So I got that to dream about. Always wanted a 4 stroke torque tractor. ER here I come.

babble on said...

Say Hello to the good people in the ER for me, will yeah? I must know all of em by now.

Dop - and Potbelly Joe beat me to it!

JLRB- if it's just where you put it, why do you need to look for it?

JLRB said...

Baba -
Misplaced, not lost

JLRB said...

I meant Babs

90 said...

90

And such and such said...

Etc

Temporary insomnia said...

Cured

BamaPhred said...

Has the Rapture happened? Are pigs flying? It's the same temp here as in NYC. This must be bizarro Hell.

UMAN TOLL said...

How come Uma's two-sided 12-point socket wrench makes ratcheting pawl noises when it doesn't have a ratcheting drive?


IT'S A LIE!!!!

caged MonkeyMan(person)(entity) said...

oink

Mr. Math said...

Who is also willing to pay a whopping £11 (or US$125) for the privilege of not getting his hands or sweater dirty:

11 pounds sterling = $16.96

Cecil B. DeKilomtere said...

I'm fairly certain that Uma starred in the Danish bike-porno bondage XXX video 'Lube my chain you yoga pants wearing severely camel toed Bee'atch!'

Spokey said...

time to sprint

Spokey said...

for the

Spokey said...

century hooray!!!!!!!!!

Spokey said...

I credit the century tricks
to uma's fantastic fix

Dan said...

Uma is my dream girl

UmmmmMA said...

Oh Spokey - I so enjoyed fixing you - I hope I can inflate your tube again real soon

dop said...

Why didn't NuFred accept a repair from woman with the pump? Hadn't they been introduced? Too British for words.

Spokey said...

looks to me that the front wheel is crooked. by then so are the govmints of this and surrounding staets

Spokey said...

damn, wrong commentary

Anonymous said...

Moving cross-country for the weather seems a little like divorcing your wife because of her hairstyle. "I'm SURE my life will start to be AWESOME once I get rid of that woman and her DAMN HAIRSTYLE!!"

Lucas Brunelle said...

Cool to be part of this

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