Friday, December 5, 2014

BSNYC Friday Fun Quiz!


(Goyishe hellscape.)

Looking for a Christmas gift for that special someone?

Well here you go, one-stop shopping:


Oh, what's that you say?  You celebrate "The Chanookah?"  Well, that's easy, just buy eight of everything.

Also, just cut the brim off the hat and you got yourself a kippah.

Done and done.

Speaking of Christmas, Bicycling magazine has published a story on how to haul a Christmas tree by bike:


Got a cargo bike or bike trailer handy? You're already ahead of the game. Just know your limits before you make a purchase. Longtime Portland bicycle courier Joel Metz has carried his share of holiday trees on a cargo bike and says it's easier than you might think, provided you factor in your own size, strength, and cargo experience when selecting the size of your new foliage.

I do have a cargo bike, but I will not be hauling the Christmas tree by bike, because the simple fact is that I don't have time for that shit.  Also, I figure I've saved up enough smugness points over the year to "Fred out" in the morning on the fast bike and then use THE CAR THAT THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK to schlep the tree home in the afternoon.

Taking out bank loans on rapidly-depreciating consumer goods, chopping down trees, and burning gas: it's the American way.

And yes, I do "curate" a Christmas tree, because kids freaking love Christmas and who am I to deprive my seventeen (17) children of that?  I'm also perfectly comfortable taking part in a vestigial pagan winter solstice festival, but as soon as they start getting any funny ideas about Christmas having anything to do with the birthday of some fictional Jesus character I'm pulling the plug on the whole thing and the goddamn tree goes out the window.  As far as they know, it's called "Christmas" because "Jesus Fucking Christ!" is what daddy shouts when he's trying to put the friggin' angel on top of the tree.

Here, by the way, is that angel:


It's been in my family for generations.  Next year I may launch a line of BSNYC Christmas tree ornaments, and this will be the centerpiece of the collection.

We'll probably torch up a Menorah too, but only because it's never to early to get kids playing with fire, and you haven't seen comedy until you've seen a child chasing a cat with a blazing shamash.

Just don't talk to me about a "Hanukkah bush," because that's just sad.  It's like the kid whose parents make him eat quinoa while everyone else gets a Happy Meal.  As far as I'm concerned Hanukkah bush is what happens when you're eight days late for your waxing appointment.



And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll see Roller Fred.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and make sure your Hanukkah bush is free of squirrels.  (Interpret that how you will.)


--Wildcat Rock Machine





(Personally, I just pay someone $100 to light my cigars for me.  Less effort, same result.)

1) $5,000 is now a "killer value" for a cyclocross bike.

--True
--False





2) These dips in the Coca-Cola Company's stock price can be attributed to:

--An announcement that they will be backing a Pro Tour cycling team
--A scandal involving tainted Dasani water
--An ill-advised alleycat sponsorship
--"Those slimy fuckers at PepsiCo"







3) U2 frontman Bono dresses like a Hasidic Jew while cycling.

--True
--False






4) Bike Friday's adjustable cargo bike is called:

--The "Haul-a-Day"
--The "Loaded Statement"
--The "Haul-o-Cost"
--The "Flex-o-Smug"






5) Brooks Proofide also makes a great:

--Chamois cream
--Mustache wax
--Lip balm
--All of the above






6) According to Park Tool, this 11-speed gear brush requires a $35 adapter to be compatible with 10-speed systems.

--True
--False






7) The best way to clean a bicycle chain is to:

--Remove the chain from the bike
--Leave the chain on the bike
--Use a chain cleaning machine
--Who the fuck cares?


***Special Old-Timey Antipodeans-Themed Bonus Video!***

119 comments:

eric? said...

first?

between my username and comment, i'm very confused

Anonymous said...

Numba ONE vsk said!!

Anonymous said...

Fukking ROBOT Muthafukka !!!

Was dare at zeeero comments til the robot pump in my spokes,.

Shit's gonna pay !!

No Podius No Peace !!

vsk

Where da hell are da numbas?? what the fuk is dis !?!?!

-> alkirder the in shitty font!!

Spokey said...

well at least top 5. so there dop

eric? said...

Pfft.

...and the answer to #1 link is broken

Bama Phred said...

Scranus, watching Orion spacecraft land

Anonymous said...

TOP 5?

groanhammer said...

where do you find this shit

Synonymous said...

Top ten?

BikeSnobNYC said...

eric?,

Sorry, should be fixed now.

Responsible party has been fired.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Bama Phred said...

Good to see Recumbabe, thought she may have gone the way of the helper monkey.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I made it through 15 seconds of the bonus video, then I stabbed myself in the eye with a sharp pencil.

Now the robot overlord advises that I see a "surgical ethepan."

Freddy Murcks said...

Goddamn I fucking hate people. $5000 is now considered a good value for a CX bike? Aside from my inescapable mediocrity, there are a lot of reasons why I don't race CX anymore. But one of the main reasons that I am down on it is that every fucking asshole weekend warrior now thinks he needs two bikes, 20 sets of wheels with glued up tubies for every condition, fancy embrocations to keep the fred fat warm, etc. I liked CX a lot more when it was just a bunch of freaks riding on cobbled together equipment.

Anonymous said...

Top 20?

DB said...

Good one today, Snob.

bieks said...

Snob, just a heads up - you might want to ask Walz why the Wild Cat Rock Machine Primal Jersey you tempted us with on Tuesday isn't up on their site.

balls™ said...

I just can't come up with good snark to connect mustache wax and chamois-cream in one smooth motion, but I'm sure it's there somewhere.


scranus wax.

Dave said...

You've been psychically snooping in my subconscious again, this time channeling my experience of Christmas tree erection every damned year.

Grump said...

Snobby, do you plan to tie that Holiday Tree to the top of your partially paid for Hyundai Accent, or do you plan to stick it through both back windows??...Trust me, don't put it inside the car, all your kids will be stuck to the back seat by all the goo that the tree oozes onto the seat.
.

Carol Ng said...

Silver Bikes
With Silver Bells
It's Christmastime "...in the country

crosspalms said...

Looking forward to those ornaments. Will bib shorts guy have a Santa hat?

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spokey said...

bama

a faint echo of her former self. sad is the day when recumbabe has to be covered in hudson bay tree detritus.

dop said...

snatch

JLRB said...

I'll take two please. (Recumbababe ornaments - not plastic cross bikes with 'lectric shifties)

AND 18 pounds is NOT a featherweight for a cross bike? WTF.O.

Mr. Kavanah said...

Hi Snob, I know you don't care, but today you lost a reader forever. I can't take the comments about Christ. I won't even see if you respond to this. I'm gone cold turkey. Thanks for the laughs. I learned a lot and even made the podium a couple of times, but I hit my limit, which I'm sure pleases you. Merry Christmas!

Buffalo Bill said...

Good advice from the old timey video: Avoid accidents and ridicule - learn to ride properly.

The attraction of cars is you can't hear people when they ridicule your poor skills.

N/A said...

I think that, regardless of your political affiliation, we can all agree that a thin layer of Proofide applied to the vulvanus with your mustache is a gift anybody can appreciate. It's just the thing for those cold winter nights.


Wolf.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you need to say something mean about allah so the xtians won't feel so butthurt.

Bama Phred said...

Yes Spokey. Methinks WCRM jr can surf the web well enough to find Dad's "work".

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mr. Kavanagh,

Success!

Anonymous 12:58m,

Sorry, way too scared.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Old-timer said...

Huh? What?

DB said...

Hanging out waiting for Dow 18,000.
Then I'll do some major shopping.
Brooks saddle and WCRM kit.
I'm in for tree ornaments next year, Snob. That's a good idea.

Anonymous said...

How do you do something "in" 2015 when it is still 2014?

From the Bicycling article. Raleigh’s top-of-the-line cyclocross race bike was redesigned in 2015 with input from Raleigh-Clement Pro team riders like Ben Berden.

That Rabii guy that drones on and on about Snob's jewishness, or lack thereof said...

Dear Mr. Snob Bike -
I know you don't care, for the circle jerks told me so. However, but Butt, I cannot tolerate your use of a Christmas tree. You are a truly fallen jew. Come sit in (or on) my lap and tell me what you want to find under the Hanukkah bush.

crosspalms said...

Mr. Kavanah, don't look now but the turn-the-other-cheek guy is mooning you.

robot says anguitar lord, which I'm pretty sure is Clapton

Canadian Mounted Wanabee said...

Recomb Babe wearing a Canadian Bikini top. Babs, please post a pic of yourself so attired.

Spokey said...

bravo snobbie

it takes a open man or a wimpy semi-professional blogger to be honest enough for that.

BikeSnobNYC said...

That Rabii guy that drones on and on about Snob's jewishness, or lack thereof,

Fallen from what? We always had a Christmas tree growing up. I believe in cherrypicking the fun stuff from Judeo-Christian traditions and discarding the rest.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Buffalo Bill said...

I don't procure the tree using my bike, but it's awfully convenient for the post new years drag to the recycling site. All I need is a bit of rope.

The trail of pine needles indicates I'm not the only one doing it either.

grog said...


I also made it through 15 seconds of the bonus video, then I also stabbed myself in the eye with a sharp pencil.
Very nice to see Recumbabe again.

FUNK WIZZ
RIDE NICE
TAKE ABUS

Richard Breaks said...

Lighten up, Kavanah. Since when has Snob not been irreverent about pretty much everything. And if you are so insecure in your faith that you can't tolerate a bit of joking from a well known jokester, I might suggest that you need to reexamine just how sincere your faith is.

Angry Beaver in Miramichi said...

Yesterdays Vid, At the very start I love the announcer saying "You guys ready, Whoa Baby", as a total of two people, who look they just rolled out of bed with a hangover, stand there staring.

Heathen Infidel said...

What's the significance of the date of Hanuka anyway? I mean we know that Dec 25th was a marketing ploy by the Romans to convert the Pagans to Christianity. Oh hey, you're celebrating the Solstice? Here's one more reason to party - woo!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Heathen Infidel,

Hanukkah is a relatively minor holiday that got fluffed up and bedazzled in modern times so the Jewish kids wouldn't feel so jealous of the goyim kids.

Not sure the significance of the date, but after thousands of years the Jews have a deep library of holidays to choose from, so presumably Hanukkah was a good one to repurpose.

It's the religious equivalent of putting a new bike together from your parts bin.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

Heathen Infidel,

More to the point, yes, it's all marketing.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

john diefenbaker said...

If I sing "Oh Canada" will recumbabe stand up?

GreySpoke said...

Who doesn't like the Circle Jerks ?

Regular guy said...

Mmmm, Hanukkah bush. Waxed or not, it's OK with me.

JLRB said...

Marketing or Mechandising?
(Where the real money from the blog is made)

1904 Cadardi said...

" I believe in cherrypicking the fun stuff from Judeo-Christian traditions and discarding the rest."

Well, if it was good enough for said Judeo-Christian religions...

Lube it will you? said...

Question 7 is missing the correct answer!
- remove the bike from the chain

You're welcome.

dop said...

I clicked on the chainbrush in question 6, and viewed the amazon ad for the item. Now, hours later, doing a little shopping at my desk, my amazon account explodes with ads for bicycle care gizmos, 'based on items recently viewed'

"This brush keeps the bike clean. This one makes it happy"

wax it baby said...

Don't click the mustache wax link.

bieks said...

@Lube it will you? - I thought the correct answer was pay someone $100 to do it for you.

jodphoto said...

1. That song got stuck in my head and it's drivin' me batshit. Thanks, Snob.

2. Eight days of presents and a dradle. What's not to like?



Anonymous said...

"I believe in cherrypicking the fun stuff from Judeo-Christian traditions and discarding the rest."


Yup, just like the Christians... 1904 beat me to it, but it's worth repeating. Like lube.

I like toast said...

I see Jesus whenever I make toast. Or smell toast.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice week of posts Wildcat. Deep belly laughs like Old Saint Nick more than once.

100% on the Quiz again. Shouldn't I be getting some kind of diploma or honorary degree or something?

Hell Yes put me on the recumbabe ornament list. I actually I do collect cycling related ornaments for my tree. Cute I know.

Haul-O-Cost. Wow.

I think thats great the Hasidim on getting on the bieks bandwagon. No different than the Amish around my neck of the woods. They ride bikes all the time.

I got a bottle of CaboWabo and bag of lemons to get in the Christmas spirit. Might even get motivated to drag the artificial evergreen up out of the basement.

Have a nice weekend.

Sranus.

Spokey said...

a dreidel a day keeps Mr. Kavanah away



robot insists that proofide is effective peakone. for once i agree. if you're going to peakone, be effective about it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

edit: Scranus.

Spokey said...

thanks RCT. for a moment i thought we had a ninth new planet. Was about to whip out the old telescope to look for it.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nasa will use that new rocket to launch a deep space probe to Sranus.

Spokey said...

ah

better get the telescope out, pointed up, and well polished.

DB said...

Can someone explain to me how Uber is worth more than Delta Airlines or twice as much as Alcoa?
I know this has nothing to do with bikes so what else is new?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Sranus is the ninth planet recently discovered thanks to the Hubble space telescope. A gas giant, Sranus appears a yellow green color due to the vast amounts of sulphur and methane which make up it's atmosphere.

Mario said...

Your "Goyishe hellscape" looks a lot like Warsaw, which is actually a fantastic cycling city. Way better than Krakow.

dop said...

is scranus a planet or a dwarf?

www.pentelhudas.tumblr.com said...

Hanukkah bush (snort

JLRB said...

So the key to successful J.F.CHRISTmas tree cargo beik portaging appears to be stuffing a child on either side of the tree in the cargo beik cargo section.

(yes I know, the caption disclaims it, but I think the Portalndia Portager is just covering his tail)

babble on said...

Wooo hoooo! Da bush is back. Call it Hanukkah if you like. Wax on, wax off, just remember that the lube you bury in da bush is waaaaay more fun than the kind the doctor injects under your kneecap so you can ride on again.

I've hauled the tree by bike every year for yonks now. They are surprisingly light, and the vendor down the road ties them up which makes them easy to haul, if a bit awkward. I just strap it to the trail bike. Only use that thing sees anymore...

Re: Da bikini... pretty sure we've been there, done that, though a girl would need a furry warm bikini to pull a recumbabe these days. You send it, I will model it. :)

Anonymous said...

vsk said ...

Tie it up and strap it on.

There's my girl!!!

vsk

leroy said...

Is it just me or does anyone else wonder who's Warren Christmas and what did he do to make everyone so touchy?

My dog says it's probably just me.

Ride safe all.

Captain Oblivious said...

warren christmas?
    or
warren commission?

John Wayne Bobbitt said...

"Well here you go, one-stop shopping:"

Where are the condoms?

McFly said...

I only have $350 in my Raleigh cyclocross bike.

Stuart Rasmussen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
prince what's his name said...

Warren Peace?

Stuart Rasmussen said...

There are probably at least 10 easy ways to carry your post-Christmas Tree via bicycle to the Christmas Tree Bonfire, which still occurs in many communities including parts of Seattle. Probably would be a lot more fun without any holiday time constraints or decorum, one could probably just drag the tree down the street. That would be more of a Bicycle Times article.....

wishiwasmerckx said...

Had a few things to pick up at Target over the lunch hour today. The lesson?

Don't wear your red sweater to Target during the holiday season.

"Excuse me, sir, do you work here?"

Repeat...

Repeat...

80 said...

80

82 said...

82

Not a New Yorker said...

Yes
You are one fuckin' funny New York Jew. Unlike those New York Jews on NPR. Holy fuck! I had to quit listening. If Hitler had to listen to shit like that his crimes might not be so out of line...

Anonymous said...

Triathlete and gadget guy Ray Maker moves his tree by bike share.

Anonymous said...

Mine removed her Hanukkah Bush and the mulch and its just sweet sweet bare mother earth. Must be over a spring cause it sure is moist.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

Dear Mr. Not A New Yorker @9:12 PM -

My dog invites you to visit our fair city and to try your hand at selling loose cigarettes on our streets.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

+1 Leroy's dog.

DB said...

Leroy's Dog, last night, COD.

BikeSnobNYC said...

I find it amusing that "Not A New Yorker" clearly spent his Friday night checking to see if anybody reacted to the anti-Semitic comment he left on a bike blog.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

Leroy, please tell that dog of yours that I love him dearly. :) xx

Spokey said...

leroy

good show for the dog. but tell the mutt to cut you a break for the holiday season. he can resume normal activities after boxing day.

props to wildcat for letting the comment stand. i probably would have deleted it. but then i'm not a highly successful bike blogger with a line of apparel rivaling calvin klein

wishiwasmerckx said...

Not a New Yorker:

Shabbat Shalom, my brother.

Count of Sprint said...

94

JLRB said...

Winter blues

JLRB said...

COLD RAIN
STAY HOME

19 said...

97

98 said...

98

JLRB said...

99

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

OK, I'll take it. laid back 100.

Holy Roller said...

All this bickering about religion. Can't we all act like the true believers of different faiths and just try to kill each other?

dop said...

Ray Maker calls that a Christmas tree? I've had chunks in my stool bigger than that tree.

Anonymous said...

Two Queer's arrive at the bar. One says to the other: "May I push in your stool?"

John said...

Imagine

Jesus said...

Two Anonymous's arrive at a bar. One says to the other: " You're a fucking idiot". The other says: "Ditto".

waco kid said...

the common clay of the new west


gabby johnson said...

authentic frontier gibberish

Allah said...

Two rabbis were at an Asian restaurant. One says to the other,"Do you think there are any Chinese Jews?" The other says, "Not sure. I'll ask the waiter." The waiter says," We have apple juice and orange juice, but no Chinese juice."

McFly said...

Just arrived back from Cincinnati to find my Stans tubeless kit for my 26est in the mail box. Looks like I'll be shootin splooge in the shop tomorrow afternoon. Any pro tips?

dop said...

Is it splooge season? You got a splooge license?

I'm never sure if it's duck or rabbit season

dop said...

didja hear about the chain cleaner that looks like a dong ? Personally, I don't see the resemblence

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babble on said...

dop - that's just cause the latter is a bushy dong.

dop said...

I think in Saigon there are shops where you can get your dong waxed, so it's nice and shiny

McFly said...

That Stan can be a real asshole. One down.....one to go. I felt as though he wanted his white splooge everywhere but in the cavity. My shop floor looks like a rented out warehouse in Van Nuys.

Anonymous said...

here's some fodder for your monday post:

http://www.citylab.com/housing/2014/12/what-the-world-doesnt-need-are-steampunk-luxury-condos/383352/

Anti-Christ-Mas said...

As we enter the season if pagan consumerism brought I by the dimming if the lights unthe sky it is important that we do so selfishly and with deep hatred to all around us.

McFly said...

Ever blew a tire off a rim? Yes? No?


My fingers still hurt. Totally worth tublelessness. Stan is serious about not exceeding 40 psi, though. KABLAMMO!

Anonymous said...

Ever blew a tire off a rim?"

Tried to re-use an old tire with a broken bead. Tire said inflate to 80-110, but it blew off the rim at less than 70.