Looking for a Christmas gift for that special someone?
Well here you go, one-stop shopping:
Oh, what's that you say? You celebrate "The Chanookah?" Well, that's easy, just buy eight of everything.
Also, just cut the brim off the hat and you got yourself a kippah.
Done and done.
Speaking of Christmas, Bicycling magazine has published a story on how to haul a Christmas tree by bike:
Got a cargo bike or bike trailer handy? You're already ahead of the game. Just know your limits before you make a purchase. Longtime Portland bicycle courier Joel Metz has carried his share of holiday trees on a cargo bike and says it's easier than you might think, provided you factor in your own size, strength, and cargo experience when selecting the size of your new foliage.
I do have a cargo bike, but I will not be hauling the Christmas tree by bike, because the simple fact is that I don't have time for that shit. Also, I figure I've saved up enough smugness points over the year to "Fred out" in the morning on the fast bike and then use THE CAR THAT THE BANK OWNS UNTIL I FINISH PAYING THEM BACK to schlep the tree home in the afternoon.
Taking out bank loans on rapidly-depreciating consumer goods, chopping down trees, and burning gas: it's the American way.
And yes, I do "curate" a Christmas tree, because kids freaking love Christmas and who am I to deprive my seventeen (17) children of that? I'm also perfectly comfortable taking part in a vestigial pagan winter solstice festival, but as soon as they start getting any funny ideas about Christmas having anything to do with the birthday of some fictional Jesus character I'm pulling the plug on the whole thing and the goddamn tree goes out the window. As far as they know, it's called "Christmas" because "Jesus Fucking Christ!" is what daddy shouts when he's trying to put the friggin' angel on top of the tree.
Here, by the way, is that angel:
It's been in my family for generations. Next year I may launch a line of BSNYC Christmas tree ornaments, and this will be the centerpiece of the collection.
We'll probably torch up a Menorah too, but only because it's never to early to get kids playing with fire, and you haven't seen comedy until you've seen a child chasing a cat with a blazing shamash.
Just don't talk to me about a "Hanukkah bush," because that's just sad. It's like the kid whose parents make him eat quinoa while everyone else gets a Happy Meal. As far as I'm concerned Hanukkah bush is what happens when you're eight days late for your waxing appointment.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right that's great, and if you're wrong you'll see Roller Fred.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and make sure your Hanukkah bush is free of squirrels. (Interpret that how you will.)
--Wildcat Rock Machine
(Personally, I just pay someone $100 to light my cigars for me. Less effort, same result.)
1) $5,000 is now a "killer value" for a cyclocross bike.
2) These dips in the Coca-Cola Company's stock price can be attributed to:
--An announcement that they will be backing a Pro Tour cycling team
--A scandal involving tainted Dasani water
--An ill-advised alleycat sponsorship
--"Those slimy fuckers at PepsiCo"
3) U2 frontman Bono dresses like a Hasidic Jew while cycling.
4) Bike Friday's adjustable cargo bike is called:
--The "Loaded Statement"
5) Brooks Proofide also makes a great:
--All of the above
6) According to Park Tool, this 11-speed gear brush requires a $35 adapter to be compatible with 10-speed systems.
7) The best way to clean a bicycle chain is to:
--Remove the chain from the bike
--Leave the chain on the bike
--Use a chain cleaning machine
--Who the fuck cares?
***Special Old-Timey Antipodeans-Themed Bonus Video!***