Wednesday, October 1, 2014

This Just In: Off To L'Eroica!

Remember how I wrote this HILARIOUS guest post for Brooks about my intense preparations for the L'Eroica ride in Tuscany?

Well, tomorrow I depart for that ride, which means that after today I won't be posting again until Tuesday, October 7th, at which point I will resume regular updates.

Of course, as a seasoned traveler I know comfort is paramount on long journeys, and so you can be sure I'll be donning my customary flying suit:

Between that and my combination neck pillow/padded toilet seat cover I expect to arrive in Italy as fresh as a bruisewort:

As for the route I'll be riding, there are four on offer, and it is my understanding we'll be doing the "percorso medio," which is Italian for "Medium Woosie:"

And which is described thusly:

It is the "gateway" to the myth of l'eroica, in 4 hours, and 1900 meters of difference in level, in addition to the beauty highlighted in the short route, do not miss.

This distance itself is not daunting, but I'm guessing the combination of 1,900 meters of climbing (yes, meters and not feet, unfortunately), jetlag, and a fakakte (sp?) old bicycle will conspire to thoroughly kick my scranus.

Also, as I understand it, Brooks is making us all go "full retro" by riding in medieval hair shirts:

Fortunately I am naturally hirsute, so I'm pretty sure I can fool them by simply riding topless.

Meanwhile, I've been preparing mentally for the ride by studying the "philosophy" of L'Eroica:


I have no fucking idea what that means.

It's also natural that on the eve of my departure my thoughts travel to the last time I visited Italy, for the so-called "Full Bike Day:"

This was one of the strangest experiences of my life, and highlights included speaking at a school run by a headmaster with an inordinate fondness for purple sweaters:

Making the news:

And of course participating in the "Full Bike Day" ride itself, to throbbing disco accompaniment:

Actually, pretty much everything in that part of Italy is performed to throbbing disco accompaniment.

(And yeah, it's filmed vertically, but keep in mind that my peripheral vision was totally fried by this point anyway.)

All of this, however, took part in the region of Puglia, and this time I am bound for the vastly different region of Tuscany, so I really have no idea what to expect apart from an apparent lack of housing inventory--and I'd be remiss if I didn't append the following video:

All of this raises the alarming question of where I'll be staying, and hopefully Brooks at least loans me a hand-chamfered leather sleeping mat so I can curl up in whatever the Tuscan equivalent of a Dumpster is:

Moving on, as Fred violence becomes increasingly commonplace, it's only a matter of time before they're banned from the roads altogether and forced to compete virtually--which I have a feeling they'll be totally fine with:

With just a stationary trainer and ANT+ speed and cadence sensors, users can race their buddies from across the country. Add an ANT+ enabled power meter, or a smart trainer like the Wahoo Kickr, which allows resistance to be controlled externally, and the platform’s capabilities expand into a highly realistic virtual riding experience.

It's true, the weak link in the Fredly cycling experience has always been the actual riding part, so I expect this to be a hit--though if you ask me they should have included the violence:

Despite the Zwift staff’s gaming and software heritage, and the very video-game-like graphics, Grand Theft Bicycle this is not. There are no guns, no running down of pedestrians or zombies to blow up. There aren’t any cars, either, or flats, or crashes. Zwift Island, the first of many virtual worlds Zwift will be adding to the system, is a cyclist’s utopia, bursting with evening light and flitting fireflies, smooth roads and stiff climbs.

Then again, they're probably saving that for the bike messenger version.

Lastly, a "twitterer" claims to have found the "World's Greatest Surly Long Haul Trucker:"

Here it is again:

It's all right, I guess--though apart from the artisanal aerobars it seems pretty ordinary to me.


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caPt scrAnus said...


dop said...

I owe it all to a lucky streak of numbered captchas

Spokey said...

ise a lettle spicious that 186,187, 188, 189, 190, 191, 192, 194, 195, 196, 197, 198, and 199 are all really dop tyring too playing tricksies on us

Spokey said...

methinking no congrats to that dop this time.

oh screw it. me bees nice. congrats dopsie

dop said...

many riders felt the same way about Jacky Durand

193 said...

193 as well

Spokey said...

oh my

you bastard

here i had thunk 193 was genu-wine.

Nick Perry said...

Anyone have tomorrow's lottery numbers handy?

leroy said...

Note to self: When playing charades with my dog, guess "Under the Tuscan Moon" quickly and before things get out of hand.

Orestes Munn said...

Allow me to add: that vs. which vs. who! Learn the difference, idiots (including you highly published authors, big-time journalists, and assorted mega-wankers). If you can't grasp the concept, find an editor who can!

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Fred of the Sea --

I spoke with a dog whom I know. He asks, with a shrug and uplifted paws, "who knows that which you speak of."

I asked him if he always ended sentences with a preposition.

He told me that is permissible usage, but can be rectified by appending to the end of the sentence a rude sobriquet.

Or maybe he said rectum fried.

Honestly, he's hard to follow sometimes.

Orestes Munn said...

Mr. Leroy,

Other than ending his sentence with a preposition, a forgivable faux paws, your canine acquaintance seems to have at least as good a grasp of English as the highly educated humans I nominally supervise and actually serve in the capacity of copy editor.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Fred of the Sea -

But still, he's hard to follow.

He says if I could follow him, that would be the wag tailing the dog.

See what I mean? Abstruse.

caged MonkeyMan(person)(entity) said...

Abstruse only if you are obtuse

nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk

Anonymous said...


220 said...


220 said...


220 said...


220 said...


220 said...

can't say umm else i'll go blind

Anonymous said...

Short choppy sentences ending in propositions means one thing . . .

Need new Snobstuffs to read !

Yes, I want to navigate away from this page!


dop said...

I'll have scrambled eggs, sausage and scranus

Captain Oblivious said...

a scranus a day keeps the ladies away

Spokey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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