Things Are Tough All Over.

Cyclists: we got it tough.  However, it's been a particularly trying couple of days for our siblings around the world.  Firstly, in Dublin, a bus driver has been captured on video threatening to run over a cyclist:



I first saw this via Twitter, and to be honest I was a little disappointed.  I mean, I was happy nobody got hurt, but I was disappointed that the bus driver was not nearly as incendiary as the video's title made him out to be.  It was sort of like when I read "Finnegan's Wake," and it turned out there wasn't shit in there about water skiing.

Granted, as a New Yorker I may have an inordinately high threshold for having my personal space violated and my bike lane usage cockblocked, but it's not like the bus takes over the bike lane.  Rather, it just sort of meanders into it briefly, like a randy teen inserting "just the tip," or a cat briefly brushing agaist your shins while you're on the toilet:

Furthermore, regardless of how inappropriate the bus driver's encroachment upon the bike lane may have been, when there's a bus up ahead of you and it starts drifting over into your lane don't try to overtake it--even if your goal is to upbraid the driver with your endearing Gaelic lilt.  Sure, he may be in the wrong, but it's not worth the risk.  Instead, drop back for your own safety, let the bus complete the maneuver, and then ride up along the opposite side, at which point you can proceed to tell Ralph Kramden how and where to suck it.

Also, it's possible the bus driver had to move to the left briefly to avoid another cyclist, since you can see someone slipping by on the right just before the bus starts moving into the bike lane:

Then as the videographer moves up the left side you can see the cyclist in the red shirt again, as well as some other cyclists through the windshield:

Here's one of them placing a phone call:

Hey, I'm not trying to blame the "victim" here.  All I'm saying is that I expected a more exciting video, like something out of the movie "Speed."  You know, driver leaning out of the window and screaming,"I'm gonna fucking kill you!," cyclist clinging to the windshield and repeatedly stabbing at it with a cordless drill in an attempt to bore through the driver's skull, passengers assuming crash positions and shrieking in terror as beads of perspiration appear on Sandra Bullock's cleavage, that sort of thing.

Instead I get this:

And it's not even a Tom Araya "Do you wanna die?," either.  It's more of a "Do you wanna die?  And if so, would you like chips with that?"

Anyway, glad the guy's okay.

Considerably more dramatic was this video, which appears to come from South Africa, and which you've probably seen by now because it has been viewed like a billion times (though I was first alerted to it by Stevil Kinevil of All Hail the Black Market before it was cool):



Basically, some guy is riding along a trash-strewn trail not unlike the ones upon which I often find myself:

Then, a figure comes running towards him:

I'm tempted to say that if I saw a figure running towards me I'd have the wherewithal to turn and ride away, but the reality is that I'd probably freeze in place and proceed to wet myself.

Anyway, not only does the figure have the exact same hat as the guy from the Spin Doctors, but he also has a gun:

At first, the rider is probably confused about what's happening, figuring maybe the guy is a handlebar inspector about to give him a ticket for using bar ends with riser bars.  Then, the reality of the situation sets in, at which point the rider surely thinks to himself, "I can't believe I'm getting robbed by the guy from the Spin Doctors!"

As for the thief, you've got to figure he's pretty dumb, because everybody knows the best way to rob a mountain biker is to hang around the trailhead and break into his car while he's riding.  You don't hold up the mountain biker himself.  They're all wired for video, every last one of them!  And sure enough, the thief proves his utter lack of mental acuity by staring right into the camera on the rider's helmet, screwing up his face, deciding it must be some kind of strange bird, and continuing with the robbery:

Then he and his accomplice run off, and the victim is like, "Well shit, I guess this is a hike now:"

The end.

Penultimately, here in New York City, the two most annoying cyclists in town have finally found each-other:

like two bikers passing in the night - w4m (Murray Hill)

you: arab (?) guy in your late 20's, biking up 1st ave whilst balancing a bag with takeout on one handlebar. 

me: the girl in the red shirt biking ahead of you, who yelled at the pedestrian idling in the bike lane.

you backed me up. yelled at her too, and then we had a short-lived romance lasting only a few blocks but filled with lots of joyous self-righteous co-yelling: at the guy riding the wrong way, the woman running in the bike lane. i just want you to know: we really could have had something - had you not yelled "bye baby, ride safe" as you parted. the end.

Wow.  I hate bike lane interlopers as much as anybody, but if someone balancing a bag of takeout on his handlebar dared yell at me I'd knock his souvlaki to the pavement faster than you can say "make that to go."

 Actually, that's not true.  I'd probably just stand there and wet myself.

Lastly, remember how Delia Ephron said Citi Bikes and rom-coms don't mix?  Well, that may be true, but apparently they're perfect for schlocky disaster movies, which is why someone gets killed on one in Sharknado 2.  Now you see it:

And now you don't:

I guess that's what happens when you ride on the sidewalk.