Firstly, the other day I mentioned that I'd removed the kiddie seat from my Big Dummy and replaced it with a crabon "stoker bar," and I seem to remember a commenter asking for a picture, so here you go:
I may kludge a pair of footrests out of some old bar ends I've got kicking around, though then again I may not bother and instead just wait for the kid's legs to grow.
Depends on the weather.
Secondly, on Wednesday I wrote about Alec Baldwin's salmoning arrest (though mostly in the context of my coinage of the term "salmon"), and no sooner was the ink dry on my monitor than A-Bald was at it again!
Baldwin pedaled against traffic for a roughly a block on East 10th Street and Broadway, near his home on Thursday morning.
He then rode on the sidewalk — which is also against street rules — and narrowly missed a pedestrian.
Wow, this guy's incorrigible!
There's just no corriging him.
I was particularly amused by the caption in which he's accused of "nearly hitting a woman," since the woman pictured looks totally unfazed--but then I brought the photo to the BSNYC Image Enhancement Lab, where my specialists discovered a second woman, as well as some other telltale clues:
As you can see, the second woman has her hand to her head, and it's unclear as to whether she's expressing shock over a near-death experience, or very excited to have just spotted a celebrity, or both.
Moreover, Baldwin himself is clutching both a smartphone and a coffee, leaving him with no visible means by which to actuate the brakes. I'm not sure how he plans to stop, though my two leading theories are:
1) He doesn't;
2) Should braking become necessary he will quickly transfer the smartphone to his mouth.
I have actually done the second one, and I can report that it works, though not very well.
Anyway, it's clear we should all give thanks for every day we're not killed by a runaway Alec Baldwin, but I'm extremely disappointed that the Post missed a great opportunity to also accuse Baldwin of nearly killing a baby:
Come on! The first rule of fear-mongering is always "invoke the baby!" I guess the Post must not have an Image Enhancement Lab. Sure, it cost me $25,000, but it's already paying for itself.
Speaking of The Law, in the aforementioned post a commenter linked to this story about a police officer in Kent, Washington who tasered a guy for not wearing a helment:
The officer arrested the man for investigation of obstructing an officer and possession of drug paraphernalia after spotting two bicyclists riding without helmets at about 7 p.m. April 26 along 104th Avenue Southeast near Southeast 240th Street, according to the police report. City law requires bicyclists to wear helmets.
The officer pulled his patrol vehicle into a parking lot to stop the two bicyclists for not wearing helmets. One of the bicyclists stopped, the other one pedaled away.
That's when the officer tasered the helmentless cyclist for his own protection:
The officer again yelled at the man to stop but the bicyclist kept going. The officer then pulled out his Taser and shot the man with a dart. The man fell off the bike. Police ordered the man to stay on the ground. A second officer arrived and the two handcuffed the man.
Good thing he did, too, because the bicyclist turned out to be a drug cartel kingpin:
Police transported the man to the city jail. Officers searched his backpack and found a syringe as well as a glass smoking pipe, which the officer noted often is used to smoke meth or crack cocaine.
Officers did not re-contact the first bicyclist.
Wow. Some people get elected Mayor of Toronto for that.
I can't believe we're not winning this "drug war" thing.
In any case, if you didn't already know, this story makes it pretty clear that helment laws are mostly a pretense designed to make it easier for police to stop and detain undesirables.
Meanwhile, in pro cycling news, Taylor Phinney made a race and the cycling world is Fredgasming all over it:
SANTA BARBARA, California (VN) — Taylor Phinney’s talent has long been evident. He won a junior world time trial title at age 17, and he is the son of not one, but two, former professional cyclists — Davis Phinney and Connie Carpenter. All the same, Thursday’s victory into Santa Barbara at the Amgen Tour of California was only the second time Phinney has won a road stage in the pro ranks.
"Magical?" Hey, it's great that he won and all, but I'd just like to remind everybody it's a stage in the Tour of California, whose greatest champion is Levi Leipheimer, so let's keep things in perspective. Plus, everybody knows pro cycling wins in America don't count, unless they hold the Worlds here or something. You're supposed to do it in Europe. Winning a bike race in America is like the handjob you got while you were away at summer camp: sure it felt good, but nobody's impressed.
Lastly, are you missing a garden-variety Brooklyn-style fixie? Well, a reader tells me you may have locked it to someone else's garden-variety Brooklyn-style fixie:
You locked your bike to mine (Champs)
Are you the asshole that locked your bike to mine last Friday? Well I have your bike. I cut your lock off, and I'd like you to come and get it.
A couple things though, not only did you waste a a few hours of my night asking around of who's bike it was, waiting, and then figuring out logistics of what to do in such an unheard of situation when I had plans to leave New York the next morning, your bike and lock scratched the shit out of my frame, fork, and stem. That's a $900 frameset and a $110 stem. That's usually why I look for solo parking. To protect my investment, not to let dickheads I don't know lock their bikes to mine.
Shoot me an email please. I'm not a dick, and I want to get your bike back to you. No one deserves having their bike taken away from them.
Actually, gratuitously mentioning the cost of your frame and stem is pretty dickish, especially when the bike you're bragging about is a beer can Bianchi. I can only imagine what would happen if someone were to spill coffee on this guy at Starbucks. "You stained my sweater! It cost $39, I got it at the Gap!" It's basically the "I drive a Dodge Stratus!" syndrome.
This is not to defend locking your bike to someone else's, and if someone did that to me I'd leave the offending bicycle somewhere it was sure to be stolen. It's just that, in this particular case, I think these two may deserve each other.
And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you're a genius, and if you're wrong you'll see something which probably seemed funny to someone at the time.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and leave at least one hand free for braking, unless you're palping a coaster brake.
--Wildcat Rock Machine
1) The unofficial Bike to Work day checklist includes:
--A helment worn way back on the head, like a yarmulke
--No fenders of any kind, resulting in a scrotalitarian "skunk stripe"
--A messenger bag purchased specifically for the occasion and worn lower than Sid Vicious's bass
--All of the above
2) A shoal is a school of fish.
3) William Shakespeare coined the phrase, "This pen smells like ass."
4) Finally! A:
--Helment you have to remember to recharge
--$799 one-legged power meter that compensates for changes in air temperature
--$200 in-your-face glasshole display that shouts in your ear and doesn't work
--All of the above
5) First came the:
Then came the:
Now we have the:
(Horrifyingly, as late as the 20th century, permitting women to enjoy "full expansion of the lungs" was a revolutionary concept.)
6) Finally! A clothing company that specializes in:
--Beards and Bicycles
--Salmon and Shoals
--Boats 'N Hoes
(You mean you're still using keys? What are you, an old-timey prison guard? )
7) Finally! A u-lock that:
--Requires solar recharging
--Requires a smartphone
--Requires connection via Bluetooth or WiFi
--All of the above
(via a reader)
***Special Hard-Hitting Journalism-Themed Bonus Video!***
[Alternate Video Title: Lots of Benign Cycling Behavior Followed by a Bunch of Driver Behavior That Pretty Much Explains it All, Plus A Brief Interview With a Typically Irritating San Franciscan.]